A little about me

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Why can't I be more like him?

I have pondered the question myself, "Why can't I be more like him?". I mean why can't I be more assertive? More unsympathetic? More unfeeling? Able to make up things when the whim strikes me or placing the blame on others and coming up with excuses to explain any irrational behavior as it suits me?

I shudder at the lack of emotion or pity exhibited during some outrageous rampage. Or I shrug at the stupidity of some of the arguements or the names I was and am called. Thinking back some are hilarious!

Stop acting like a sausage! What the heck is that supposed to mean? I don't know but in the moment like most things he said that hurt my feelings. Idiot! Dumbass! Stupid Bitch! Lazy Spic! Hey fat ass!

Words... They are funny little things. One word can make you or break you. Living with a Gaslighter, whether he/she is physical, emotional, mental or verbal it all hurts but in some ways those little words seem to hurt the most.

I often how come I couldn't be more like him? How come I couldn't spit back the venom he spat at me? How come my words never had the same effect as they did to me? How come he did not cower or shake at the tone of my voice? How come I couldn't just give what he dished out?

That's not me. I am easy going, a submissive wife, friendly not to wanting to cause a scene or to rock the boat. And I still am to some extent, but I do not want to be taken advantage of again. I don't want to be someone's door mat.

And I can't be more like him because I care about others, I care enough about my loved ones that I don't want to throw crap at them. I don't want to see my children's eyes filled with tears because of something I said that upset them or hurt they're feelings. I don't want to see my partner's crushed look or hurt or pain because of something I have done that was hurtful to them physically.

NO! That's not a relationship. And I guess I don't want to be like him. I don't want the warped view that the world is out to get him. I don't want the feelings associated with hurting someone I love whether by words or deeds. I, unlike him, can not look over someone with no feeling as I am punching them or kicking them in the stomach or when they are down. Making statements that the person made you do it. If they would stop getting them mad life would be fine.

No I don't want to be like him. I don't want to be that uncaring about only myself. I don't want to make excuses for my behavior without taking responsibility of why I acted as I did. No I don't want to be like him...

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