Text messages and countdown to Independence day year 3!

I'm sitting here typing out passed text messages to email to my attorney for my ever growing file. Terry suggested I stop if I feel melancholy... Oh that feeling was after re-reading the first text message. I have went through about 20 so far and have 112 left to type. I feel a little disturbed, so I am taking a much needed break! The baby just went down for a nap, Terry and his brother went to his Mom's house. So, it's nice and quiet.

So, to bring you up to speed, R found out we moved from the court, not surprising. What is surprising is how long it took for him to be notified about the PO Box. I was so sure he would have found out before Christmas as a matter of fact our household and his Mom were waiting for that bomb to fall.

I received a voice message from him about that. He said,  Hey Melinda this is your husband. How is the house in Demotte? The court order says I get to talk to the girls. You disconnected the other number and I gave you time. The court order says I can talk to my girls and I want to hear from them tonight not from Terry from you or the girls.

Can you spell Creepy? He doesn't give a crap about the girls, he is upset that we moved and he doesn't know where we are. He can't stalk us/me out here and it's bugging him. Case and point, a day later Children's Treehouse calls and says R scheduled an appointment to see the girls on Sat (1/14) for an hour visit. I of course obliged, though hesitantly.I know he only wants to try to pump information about our whereabouts from them. He couldn't give a darned otherwise.

I did call my attorney and let him know about the call as well as the meeting. I know the court didn't order any type of arrangement for him to talk to the girls, besides it being a "SUPERVISED" visit. DUH! I don't know how stupid he thinks I really am! I'm so annoyed but yet worried at the same time. Not sure whether to throw-up or be angry. Of course these are just my personal opinions. He is going to lie and say he genuinely wants to visit with them because he misses them. BULL HOCKEY!

During my chat with the attorney he informed me that R wants to decrease his child support due to him being seasonal and unable to afford what he is paying for now. Funny, the original order for support was cut so low due to our debt at the time, which since we filed for bankruptcy is GONE! He lost the house so no house bill. WHAT THE HECK!? He works for CASH, he went from making $52,000 on paper in 2010 to making $22,000 in 2011?! He has made over $70,000 in years passed due to getting cash under the table. But I didn't take any paperwork to prove my accusations. I have heard from people he works with that the company is working a bunch of hours despite R claims of the contrary. SIGH!

The night before and the day of the meeting was nerve wrecking for all of us. The trip to the Treehouse had us all pretty quiet and that is totally unusual for us 4. I guess we were all lost in our own thoughts and worries. I didn't want the girls to give away where exactly they went to school or details about our place. He would find us in a snap if he knew details about our place or he would narrow our home down in no time. Of course I didn't want to coach the girls at all. Despite it all I still tell them to respect they're Dad. I don't believe he is worth the salt in my tears but he is still their father and they should at least respect the title, though I don't feel he is worthy.

I liked the fact that the girls were given a choice about seeing him before the meeting. I hoped they would say no, so I looked the other way, as if they could hear my thoughts out loud or see NO written all over my face. They briefly talked about it and decided to just see how it went this time. They were also informed that they could end the visit anytime they wanted to. I said see you later and have fun. I prayed all went well. Reassured they had a guard to watch them and the visit was recorded.

The girls said they had a fine time. They played Uno for the hour and made small talk. The only question he asked is how was school. I am guessing since someone was recording and staying in the room with them he had little or no choice but to be a good lad. We made sure no one was following us and even now I am finding that I am paranoid again that he or someone he hired is following me again. For the time being he only knows of the PO Box. I am unsure if the court will order me to give our physical address.

His Mom was fretting about him finding out she knew of the move and about the PO Box before he did. We still talk on and off. Though I was told not to trust her and I can't say I do anymore. It makes me kind of sad since I practically grew up in her house.

She has said he recently had several Bipolar episodes leaving her tired, annoyed and nervous about anytime he calls or comes by. He has been working on remodeling the basement for his sister to stay with his parents since MAY! He can never just get a project done, he puts it off or makes excuses or walks off the job due to an attitude. I gave her my sympathy and chuckled that he was her problem now. She said, Gee, thanks Mel! And don't tell him we talked. He says things and I know I only tell you about them. So you must be telling him we talk.

OH YES! During coffee he and I chatted about BLAH! BLAH!BLAH! What the HECK?! I told her I don't talk to him if I can help it. And certainly not about anything to do with her or his family. I don't want anything more to do with that psycho then I have to.

I received several emails from him about his horoscope and mine, oh and that marriage retreat is coming up soon. GROAN! It is almost 3 years, Independence day is on the 25th of Feb! Time flies!
Can you believe that this craziness has been going on this long? I was reassured by my attorney that R won't give up. He has seen those that are aggressive and obsessed with they're partners and they don't just give up when the finalization papers are signed. Well, isn't that lovely? I know in the back of my mind this is true. But I am praying he will just fade into the darkness and leave me alone. Heck, he doesn't have to pay me a dime of child support if he would just go away. Never to see the girls again.

Wishful thinking...

Happy Independence day to me!

It has been 2 years today that I gained my Independence from my abuser, (my spouse). Myself and my then 3 children (Then ages were M-13, J-10 and A-9).

The days before we left were filled with anticipation of starting again, hopes of being free and hope of never having to go through that ever again. The night before we left my stomach was all in knots! The kids and I had no idea if the plan to leave was actually going to happen because my STBX (Soon To Be Ex) did not know if he had work for sure, since he is construction and it was in Feb. the chances of him not having to go to work were very high!

I had told my Sister during the day prior that it looked promising but I would have to call her the minute he left in the morning. Somewhere around 4:30 or 5 in the morning. Weeks before my Sister and my Dad had moved somethings out of the house, favorite toys, books, dishes, pictures and so on. Things I did not believe he would notice. The funny thing was the weekend before STBX and I had a fight about things missing, he swore up and down I was missing clothes from the closet and my drawers. I did not move a stitch of clothing from the house until the day we left. So I just kept saying no, it was a honest answer!

This day 2 years ago was cool, about in the 40's outside, the sun was just rising when I made the call to my sister as soon as my husband left the driveway. He sensed something was up because he called more then usual and made comments that were very worrisome to me about coming back home! I kept the kids sleeping as long as I could, I had garbage bags ready to throw our clothes in, boxes that still needed to be filled with a few more items.

I began working all the time a cold sweat was all over me due to nerves! I woke the kids up about 6 and I gave them a job of putting their clothes in garbage bags. They did not give me too much trouble and they were all animated and pretty excited to go. While they were busy with that, I hurried myself with moving big furniture first, which was mainly my new bed, a futon that we had in our basement. It took me a few minutes to do so, as it would not go through the door as I pushed and pulled, scraping much of the wood as I did so. My heart felt as though it would burst out of my chest when my phone chirped or he would call.

He made a comment about me being out of breath, of course at that time I did exercise so I brushed it off as just working out.

Long story short, it took about 4 more hours to get everything back and forth. I cried on the way to my new home. Filled with anxiety of beginning again, relief that I was never going to look back and apprehension if what I was doing was right. I questioned myself until that night when my STBX showed up at the door with tears running down his face. My Sister called the police just in case and he said his good nights to the kids and left. I would like to say all ended peacefully but flash forward and many death threats later, we are still not divorced. I found a job as a legal secretary/receptionist, I managed to find an apartment a few months down the road back in Indiana. I had to drop off my now 15 year old son at his Dad's because of the brainwashing my STBX did on him. My son started a fire in my apartment and threatened to kill me in my sleep if I did not take him back to his Dad's. I found out later that my STBX hired someone to "Take care of me" for $5,000.00. He still wants to get back together...

My next court date is in June, my attorney was not the greatest and my quickie 90 day divorce is now in it's second year. I have a Order of Protection of which my STBX violated many times but the charge that stuck was a harassing phone call last July. He had to go to court but it has been continued 3 times since then and I am sure it will be dismissed in June when the next hearing is.

My STBX claims I made many things up, that I am unfit, that I had an affair for over 2 years, and that I am the one that abused him continually as well as abusing our children. A Guardian Ad Litem was introduced a year and a half ago, supervised visits are allowed for my STBX and the girls. I have not seen my son since he assaulted Terry in November of 2009 at the court house. Which apparently my son wanted to kill Terry. The altercation was orchestrated by my STBX, and seen by Lake County sheriff's that were on duty a the time. No charges were filed against my son by Terry. And despite the L. C. sheriff stating they would file charges nothing happened.

In November my son went to jail for the first time, (hopefully the last) for assaulting a student and teacher. My STBX claims that my son saw rage while thinking the teacher was me and he pushed her. R has many tricks to not take any blame in this situation or any issues with our marriage. I know now that is part of the Abuser's thinking.

I could go on and on! I am in a better place, I went back to school for Medical Assisting, (still looking for work) I gained a friend and wonderful loving companion. As well as a new bouncing baby boy that is the apple of our eyes! I found a love that I never knew existed! I did not plan for that! God has a way of planning a future I could never dreamed of! I thank and praise God for getting us out. Though my son is not with us, I do still pray for a day when we will be able to talk. I miss him terribly! I hope his father is treating him well. I am sad that I can not trust that we will be safe if we meet my son right now.

I am thrilled I am no longer a statistic! I am a Survivor, an Overcomer and loved by the Creator! As I think about the future right now, I know Terry and I have no jobs, but we have each other. We have a great love for one another and for God that He will provide and get us through!

A 2010 study by the National Network to End Domestic Violence, one woman is victimized by a intimate partner every 28.2 seconds. These statistics indicate that more than 3 million women are abused in the United States every year. Just as many children are affected by violence as well. Many of these women are lucky to leave their abusers safely, but if you read or hear the headlines there are women that are killed, murdered by the one they love. Love does not hurt!

Tactics used by the Abusers to stay include:

Stating negative comments, such as:
You won't make it without me!
If you leave I will kill you!
If you leave I will kill the kids!
If you leave you will never see the kids again!
If you leave you will never get a penny!
No one will ever want you!
You will never amount to anything!
Your too stupid, dumb, etc...
You will only be good on your back, knees and so on...

The Abusers promise to change, such as:
Honey, I am so sorry! I will never do it again!
I didn't mean it! Could you forgive me?
If you don't leave I will change!
I will get help I promise!
I need you!
I can't live without you!
You know what you mean to me!
We have been together for... long, Baby don't throw it away!
I don't want to be alone!
Help me get help!
I will stop drugs, drinking or whatever...
I will take my meds! Or get back on my meds!

The list goes on and on. The cycle then repeats, the chances of your partner changing are slim. It can happen but in most cases they don't.  The decision to leave is yours, will it be with a suitcase or with the Coroner? No one can tell you when to leave, everyone has their own limits or rock bottom. But I can tell you that in most cases it will not get better, that your children are seeing the abuse. Studies show that YOUR children are likely to repeat the past...

You are capable of great things! You are wonderful and beautiful! Remember that old 70's sign, (I'm dating myself) God doesn't make junk!

Locate your local Shelter, don't be silent any longer! You can do it! I won't lie and say it is easy. And I did not go looking to fall in love after I left my spouse. Many times women fall for a great guy after but he ends up like the last loser! Distance yourself from men like your Ex. Be on your own, fall in love with your children and yourself again. Remember to call on the Lord to help in times of need, He helped me with my walk and picked me up many times. Even when I stumble He has lifted me up.

If you need to talk, email me privately. I do not share your information with anyone or this blog. I will try to listen and help you anyway I can!

Independence day in 9 days!

I am coming up to our Second year Independence Day on Feb 25! I can not believe it has been almost 2 years that I first left my spouse. It has gone by fast and it seems as though it was a lifetime ago and another life.

The life I have now is so much different and comfy. I recently have had some other memories crop up, nightmare last week and a mini panic attack a few days ago. It's amazing how they pop up with a vengence and so fierce they take my breath away. I will not look back as defeated as I felt not so long ago! My ex still looms around. By the grace of God we have not heard much from him, though I do still miss my son terribly. I wonder what he looks like and how much he has changed. I wonder if remembers any of the nasty things we endured. J still wonders why he went back.

Oh but she is such a handful herself! I love my children to pieces but my goodness I was at my wits end last Sunday. I lost it! I said so much I had been holding back from her. I flew off the handle big time! I just said my piece and all was quiet. We have had so many arguments that at times it is like walking on eggshells and it can be crazy worrying about her getting upset. Heaven's! I left crazy and don't plan on living like that again. She can be so mean and violent to her sister, with our concerns that if she will harm her sister further or hurt the baby. When I say violent it isn't throwing knives or anything, it is hitting, it is threats to harm her sister or things her sister loves. And then she gets that look in her eyes that I saw her father have... All is not always nice here.

So Sunday I said those words that I don't really mean... "YOU CAN LIVE AT DAD'S! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!" Of course Terry, being of sound and calm mind suggested we talk and just calm down for a bit. He knew well that I do not want her to live with her Dad. She will never be the same if that happened. I would never hear from her again. Oh, that is guranteed! I could never live with myself, I lost one child and feel regret over that incident. I am not the only one that is healing and relearning how to live, both of my daughters are as well! Right now I am just taking away privileges, making her go to bed early, that sort of thing. SIGH! It is funny you look at my other blog and I feel I come off as a happy go lucky person with a side of insanity in this blog. Getting to the heart of matters and not pussy footing around!

I received a number for another advocate to speak to and I was thinking of perhaps seeing if the local Moms groups may need a speaker to talk about Family violence. Just a thought! I am out of work and besides antiques and blogging, my other passion is spreading knowledge and hope for others that suffer from Domestic Violence.

I reviewed some of my old posts and shortly I will be reposting our escape that I posted orginally in 2009. I did hap on a post from 1/22/09 that I will be reposting next! Have a great night!