I was married to a Psychopath and lived to tell about it

Taken March 2009

I wandered around a small pond on a beautiful sunny afternoon. I should be soaking up the beauty that Spring day in May of 2007. Instead, I was walking back to my car after crying buckets. I was feeling sorry for myself and add in a dash of guilt for leaving my then 15-year marriage. 

I ran away from my husband, going to the nearest shelter. Now there were questions ran through my head, was I being irrational? 

Maybe I imagined things were wrong in my relationship or it wasn't as bad as I thought. Perhaps the Ladies at the women's shelter didn't know what they were talking about (Yes, I really pondered that one). I questioned every memory, the fights, the promises that he would change, and where do I go from here?

About that time my cell chirped, I about jumped to the sky. My nerves were shot, every little sound and person that came near me scared me. I wasn't expecting calls nor did I want to talk to anyone.

I looked at the caller id and saw that it was from the hospital where "he" was. He had been admitted the day before for observation for attempting suicide after I hadn't returned home. 

Despite my best judgment, I answered. 

The voice on the other line was female. She introduced herself as one of the doctors evaluating "him" and wanted to reach out to provide me with an update of current findings that she found particular. 

She went on to describe the many DSM-IV (Diagnostic and

See Difference between Sociopath and Psychopath

Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 4th edition). He fit in the category for Depression, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, and more. 

My mind was spinning. I had no words. I was not sure how to feel. When she asked if I was still on the line, I stuttered that I was but was digesting all of this news. With that, she asked if I was okay and advised she had even more concerns. I nodded as if she could see me. She went on to ask if I knew who Ted Bundy was. Biography- Ted Bundy

I didn't understand. I asked said yes but what does that have to do with anything. I was puzzled and caught off guard by her question and saying of course. 

Her next comment floored me and threw me for a loop. "Melinda, this is between me and you but his obsession and fixation with you are not healthy. You need to stay away from him. What also causes my concern is his Psychopath tendencies. I compare him to Ted Bundy. He is charming, smart, and seems friendly."

My throat felt tight. I couldn't say anything. My mind was reeling! I forgot to breathe. She was going on and on but her voice became fuzzy. I couldn't comprehend more. It seemed unbelievable the news frightened me while at the same time I felt relieved. It wasn't in my head! I was experiencing situations that were due to him. 

Did I stay gone? No! I went back. I was won by pleading from his Mom. She said that he was sick and needed help to get better she had promises of change now that he was prescribed medication. Two months later I left for a second time after he moved in a sister wife. You heard me right! And I do not blame his Mom at all, she believed his promises too. 

I know you're shaking your head. That situation was also crazy and weird. As quickly as it happened she left. I realized my mistake of coming back that second time and began planning to leave for good. Believe or not I had hit rock bottom. I was suicidal with a twisted thought I wouldn't survive another year if I stayed. I was torn do I take my own life or do I just let him?

I left for good in February of 2009. 

I am ashamed to admit for well over two decades I was raped, suffered other sexual, verbal, emotional/mental, financial, and physical abuse. I allowed myself to not only be treated in such a way but to continue to stay on. Believe it or not, I felt sorry for my abuser! I believed him when I was told I would be ruined if I ever left him. That I would only be good for something if I was on my knees and I would never make it without him. 

During the time I stayed with him I was threatened to have my life, the lives of my children and loved ones taken. This threat followed after I left. I was physically stalked and cyberstalked. I was the target of a "Hit". 

Stories he generated to new friends and anyone that would listen painted me out to be the abuser. Even turning away my eldest Son against me. He went on to say I made up stories that he molested our eldest Daughter after she shared this heartbreaking information with me many years later. He told others that I was loose and possibly on drugs.

Yes, I stayed and believed his promises. I made choices that I thought would help our relationship. I made choices that I thought would help me break free without guilt. 

Should I have listened to my guts early on and just left? Yes. Should I have left sooner? Yes. Would I have saved myself decades of sadness? Yes. Is there still shame? Yes. Are there regrets? You betcha! 

What is done is done. I can't take back any of my own actions or how I handled situations. But, when I left that last time I saved my Daughters lives by leaving. I took back my life, dignity, and respect. 

This is a bit of my story. Can you relate? Now don't compare your story to mine. Just because you didn't experience the range of abuse that I had, don't think that maybe your situation isn't "that bad". Love Bug, abuse is abuse no matter how you try to make excuses for it. 

Dear One if any of this resonant with you and you want to talk privately, please message me here or on my Facebook page- Hope when there was none.

If you are in an emergency situation contact the police! Don't hesitate or wait until it is too late!

Here are some other great organizations that can help you-
Safe Horizon
National Domestic Violence

Visit my page Hope when there was none page for tips and inspiration. Find my 10-year Survivalversary video here-10-years out

I do have a closed support group on Facebook is for women of any age who are victims/Survivors of Abuse for healing and self-care.  Please message me privately here or on the Hope when there was none page to join. 

Please stay safe! Know you are not alone and that you are not to blame!



BIG HUGS!
Mel

P.S.- Can you help me by sharing this and commenting? My goal is to reach anyone that is not sure if they want to leave. I would really appreciate it!

*Find my books, "Call me Master" and "Rising from the Ashes" here- Amazon and visit my Facebook Author page for upcoming book releases, events or to book a speaking engagement here-Author page

Article on Soul-mate to Psychopath

There is an amazing amount of similarities between Soon To Be Ex in this article. This is one of the labels placed on him during a stint in the hospital for a suicide attempt in 2007 and 2009, amongst a  number of other labels.

When you are in the beginning of this type of relationship you may not notice or blow off somethings. He may just seem like a tough cookie but you learn later he's (or she) is really burnt around the edges and should be discarded (skip the compost pile and break it up before you place this cookie in the garbage!).

If you know someone that is some sort of abusive relationship PLEASE encourage them to get out. If you have children in a abusive relationship the damage done may not show up until months or years after leaving. I can not stress that if you can not leave the relationship for you PLEASE think of your children.

If your child grew up to find a abusive partner what would you tell him (her)? We tend to think in the moment about things in our lives and we should really be thinking about the future...

Be safe!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soul-mate to Psychopath: The Most Dangerous Perpetrators of Family Violence

Successful psychopaths are not easy to recognize, although most people think they would be easy to spot... (Hmmm, I think I need a psychopath detector. Anyone know where I can get one of them on a budget? Pocket size would be best...)

Would You Spot a Psycho?

(Please note - model shown for illustration only. Image courtesy of: djcodrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Profile of a Successful Psychopath:

Successful psychopaths and sociopaths are very hard to spot, and there are no foolproof guidelines that will help us to recognize them. Most people think of psychopaths as sleazy characters and/or repeat criminals. They may imagine somebody with a dark personality or a man with an insane look in his eye. Most think of a person like Hannibal Lecter in the movie Silence of the Lambs, or real life people like Charles Manson or Jack the Ripper. While this description might be true for unsuccessful psycho's, it is not always true for successful psychopaths.

No, he couldn't be.....surely?

(Please note - model shown for illustration only. Image courtesy of: djcodrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Do you know a Successful Psychopath?

One could be closer than you think....
Unfortunately, a successful psychopath is usually a person who most people would consider to be "a really nice guy/gal".  The reality is that they are quite difficult to profile, and in fact,  there are more psychopaths living among us than we realize.
They may live next door, down the street, or perhaps even in the same house. This doesn't mean we all need to be paranoid, but it can pay to be cautious of people who display clusters of the personality and behavior traits mentioned below:

Those who have known them for longer will notice they can sometimes be:

• Superficially Charming
• Arrogant
• Ignorant
• Self-Important
• Non-genuine
• Unrealistic
• Irresponsible
• Inconsistent
• Dishonest
• Greedy
• Unreliable
• Insincere
• Grandiose
• Shallow
• Irrational
• Paranoid
• Promiscuous
• Domineering
• Judgmental
• Selfish

Most acquaintances, friends and extended family members will usually consider them to be:

• Charming
• Intelligent
• Polite
• Gallant
• Misunderstood
• Considerate
• Helpful
• Genuine
• Generous
• Caring
• Knowledgeable
• Capable
• Compassionate
• Impulsive
• Likable
• Sincere
• Romantic
• Emotional
• A victim of circumstance
• Selfless

Their Victims and/or partners will find out that they can be:

• Unfaithful
• Callous
• Violent
• Vicious
• Cruel
• Sadistic
• Parasitic
• Malicious
• Misogynistic
• Contemptuous
• Narcissistic
• Manipulative
• Unpredictable
• Secretive
• Pretentious
• Conning
• Shameless
• Obsessive
• Authoritative
• Insensitive
• Egotistic
• Heartless
• Vengeful

So how do they fool others so effectively?

• They are unable to feel Remorse, Shame or Guilt.
• They are able to act as though they have normal emotions, very convincingly.
• They appear so likable because they mirror their victims' values, beliefs and interests.
• They are incapable of Unconditional Love.
• They are incapable of real human attachment to another.
• They have an unrealistic perception of themselves (narcissism, grandiosity, self-importance not based on achievements).
• They are Pathological Liars.
• They lack a realistic Life Plan.
• They often have a Parasitic Lifestyle.
• They are capable of Criminal Versatility and Entrepreneurial Versatility.
• They do not perceive that anything is wrong with them.
• They appear to be what ever they want you to think they are (Glibness/Superficial Charm).
• They are selective of which actions they will take responsibility for.
• They have an excessive need for Stimulation.
• They are very capable and skilled at subtle cruelty.
• They have a complete lack of Empathy.
• They have poor Behavioral Controls.
• They exhibit promiscuous Sexual Behavior.
• They are often guilty of Infidelity.
• They show contempt of those who seek to understand them.
• Their ultimate goals are the creation of willing victims and then enslavement of their victim(s).
• They exercise despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life.
• They have a need to justify their crimes and therefore need their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love).

Psychopathic Dads - Mum, There's a Monster in Your Bedroom!

If you can relate to any of the following, I suggest you run:

• Your partner claims to love and respect you, but you keep getting contradictory reports about what he says to your family and friends.
• A person you know insists that they are not violent yet regularly watches real life snuff videos, and other violent videos, and finds them amusing.
• You find the "computer illiterate" person in your life researching "how to thwart time date stamping" on a computer hackers web site.
• Your self-confessed homophobic partner gets emails from gay dating sites.
• After 2 months without being touched by your partner, you ask why and they say they are just not that interested in sex anymore, but then you find numerous stashes of hand cream, tissues and dirty jocks in various strange places around the house.
• You tell your "soul-mate" that their friend once raped you and they respond with "well that's ok, I raped him".
• You find a balaclava, shovel and rope in your partner's car and find yourself wondering if you are living with a serial killer
• A person who claims to love you more than anything puts a loaded weapon on the table, says that he knows of one way you can make life better for everyone around you and then goes out for two hours.
• Your kids tell you that there is a monster sleeping in your bedroom...

Sometimes your knight In shining armour is just a retard in tin foil

Please join me on FaceBook

• STOP the Violence Against Women & Children
  Organize to Resist! Together we can take on the Predators! Let's Break the Silence to End the Violence by working together to make our voices a Resounding SHOUT!!! Perpetrators BEWARE - you don't stand a chance!

Please Note:

_{All names in this article have been changed for legal purposes and to protect the privacy of the Author. Except where otherwise credited, or where text forms part of an external link, this article is under the following copyright:}

_{Copyright © 2010 Mel Stewart, "safe-at-last", of Perth, Western Australia. All rights reserved.}

_{All persons, places and objects shown in the images in this hub are are shown for illustrative purposes only. They bear no relation to any real person or event. All persons shown are paid models. Unless otherwise credited, all images are under the following copyright:
Copyright © 2010 Mel Stewart, "safe-at-last" and Licensors Nodtronics Pty Ltd. All rights reserved.}

Something positive!

Relearning to be in a relationship with others can be a tough thing to do. When you break free of your abuser you also break free of all the rules that he/she set for you! Now, I'm not saying go live wild, start partying, drinking, having wild sex or doing drugs. I have said this before! Sowing your wild oats after you leave a relationship is normal but remember the consequences:

Your crazy Psychopath/Narc/Gaslighter/Abuser or whatever you call 'em is still out and probably looking for you or for ammo to use against you in court or to turn your friends and family against you.

There are STD's out there!

Mr./Ms. Right that you may meet fresh out of a relationship maybe just as nuts as the person you just left or worse!

Invest in yourself! Give yourself some time to heal! If for some random reason you and your Abuser decide to reconcile PLEASE GIVE IT TIME FIRST!

Don't leave and then a week or 2 or a month later BELIEVE he/she has changed so you give them another chance only to find after a bit you are BACK in the same position you were when you left in the first place! IF you reconcile WAIT! Give it 6 months or a year or 2! Don't give in to his/her pleading or begging. Trust me you will survive without this person.

Give yourself the gift of time apart.
It does hurt!
It does ache!
You do question whether it's the right thing to do!
You wonder if you will be able to afford or survive alone (with or without kids).
You will struggle!
You will second guess yourself.
You will wonder if it was all in your head.
Or it wasn't as bad as you think or friends/family led you to believe.
You will feel bad because you will think he or she will kill themselves. Most Abusers are too chicken to pull this off. Crazy Man had 3 suicide attempts after I left him. Each time he made sure to let someone know what he was doing. He also threatened to do something to harm himself, me and the kids if we left him. (I don't trust him but do believe he doesn't have the balls to kill himself, he is way to into having a pity party for himself then to do this)

After time if your Abuser does change take it slow. On the anniversary of the moment you decide to get back together. Date each other. Don't jump the gun and play man and wife (or whatever) again.

Take it slow.

Personally, I don't believe a person is capable of changing. They are what they are. Small changes, such as cleaning up after one's self or putting the toliet seat down sure but to make a total 180 when they are so used to being a bully? I don't believe it. After 2 years Crazy Man still intends to harm me physically, emotionally and mentally. He says he has changed but if you have read the text message posts you can read he is still unstable. And sadly our son is OK with this...

Struggle, cry, lean on someone to get you through the transition. Don't talk to your Abuser after you leave him/her. Seriously! Save it for court or give yourself some time.

Drop off your children in a public place or meet to talk publicly and don't leave at the same time. Wait for him/her to leave first or ask a friend to go with you.

Do remind your children it's not their fault. Remind your  kids you both love them and you need them to concentrate on being a child. They need to focus on school and not about the rift between Mom and Dad.

Make a wish (vision board) cut out pictures from magazines or surround yourself with things that make you happy. A button, seashell, glitter (my favorite), ribbon, scented candle or whatever makes you smile! (have your kids join in!)

Make a list of 5 things daily that you are thankful for. ~ My favorite psychic/friend has given me many of these tips to use to help me! (Kristy Robinett at www.tangledwishes.com . She is a wonderful lady and a survivor of abuse too!)

Make a list of where you see yourself in 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years! Goes great with using a wish (vision) board.

Create a Bucket List! Places you want to see, things you want to do! I have to revise my own but even the smallest things can go on your list. Bake cookies with kids or for a homeless shelter. Go back to school! Try a new dish or learning a new craft.Going to the city or let your mind go crazy!

Don't forget to say some positive affirmations! When I first left I plastered affirmations all over my bath mirror and kept some in my purse when I needed encouragement.

Go get a haircut/nails done/massage.

Play games or play or read to your kids.

Eat well or better. EXERCISE! Whether it be a walk around the block or mall. Food can be a great comfort but it does nothing positive for you except your waistline! I still struggle with this...

Terry, God bless him, had managed to tell anyone he could about me singing. I was in choir for years, since about 2nd or 3rd grade until I was a Junior in high school. I loved it and had a deam of going to Hollywood of course to sing or dance. But Crazy Man squished that. He said I sounded too nasally and was too short to dance. So I allowed his opinion as a Junior in High school to rule me. I let that dream and many more go because I believed everything that came out of his mouth. Anyway, back to the present... So! I am going to sing in the church choir! I start rehearsing next Sunday. I'm anxious and nervous. It's been so long! I usually just sing when I am doing dishes, shower or when I think no one is around.

Wish me luck!

And no my hair isn't that white. I leaned my head against the wood work I was painting while Mini Man was napping. AGH! I usually get more on me then the whatever I'm painting... Truly for your giggles and enjoyment! SMOOCHES!

Order of Protection expires soon!

I leave a picture of me from time to time, to remind people I'm like anyone else's Mother, Sister, Daughter, Friend or Wife.

I leave a picture so that everyone will remember what I look like and about my story if something should happen to me.

I leave a picture that someday the court system and legal land will have a record of the craziness my STBX has put me through and continues to do.

I leave my picture so I won't be forgotten...


I talked to a friend and I was informed that STBX had rode a bike around our apartment 4 times last Thursday. She went to get a camera and he didn't show up. He actually paused and stared at our building. Then she heard sounds coming out of our place. Needless to say that I am going to make sure the police escort me in when we return. So he's still stalking me! It's been almost 3 freakin years!

I'm worried that my Order of Protection runs out at the end of this month. Leaving me fair game and open for both my STBX and my son. My son will only do what his Dad tells him to. Case and point when M attacked Terry at Lake County Court house in the fall of 2009. Telling the officers that he was going to kill him but decided to beat him up instead.

A string of emails after the event about killing Terry and me had followed for months after. I have gone to the police repeatedly and nothing seems to happen at all! The only ONE thing that stuck was the phone messages he left on my answering machine. They were demanding and also numerous enough for the Prescutor to file charges. Which lead him to pay court costs and he was ordered to take Anger management classes. He still claims innocent from this even though it was his number and his voice on the machine, which a policer officer heard.

The investigation the local police did on the murder for hire has gone nowhere. My STBX is smug and says all I have is 2 losers that do drugs and since they have a record they aren't credible. I have to wonder if he's right. To bring you to speed again, he offered my nephew and another gentleman $5,000 and a camera to video tape my death/grave after the deed was done.

I am still at a loss.

I received an email that states he and Terry will still have a "meeting". He also is planning on getting custody of my girls since Terry is "dangerous". (HA! I thought that was calling the Kettle black"). In addition to that he is going to sue Terry for having his child and for pain and suffering. He is looking to sue for $25,0000,000. On one hand I laugh at the stupidity of that threat. Where does he have the money to hire so many attorney's? He claims he can't afford the child support he is now paying.

We filed bankruptcy, he lost the house, he had no bills. (I have medical bills of my own and a student loan that has not seen payment due to no job on my part. Not any fault of STBX at all and I'm not saying he has to pay any of that.) He works for cash.

He works for Pine Waterproofing in Northfield, IL as a Union Roofer (Local #11). He has been getting paid cash for years now. He makes what he needs in hours to keep a certain level for health insurance and the rest of the hours he takes for cash. He has seen over $20,000+ in just getting money under the table alone for years. But I can't prove it. Though I witnessed it for the number of years we were together. His boss keeps a stash of cash in his office. It's off the books and for emergencies and so on. Sadly battling the Union to prove the allegations when so many other companies do this would be hard to say the least.

Anyway, I'm nervous to say the least. STBX's Mom is not a safe place to hold our "Supervised visitation". I thought one of my Sister in law's would be there to help but apparently she was at off at a pool because she had a rough work week. I have no issue with that. She works hard. My problem comes when there is a fight, voices where raised.

Neither of my girls want to see STBX again. BUT the court is not going to allow that to happen apparently. They asked the last GAL how come they have to see Dad but he had no answer for them. He noted everything, gave his findings (The girls were to stay with me and STBX was to have charge of our son).Since he relieved himself as GAL, we are at a stalemate. No new GAL's want our case. They review, contact old GAL and find that STBX is a wack job and we can't get a new person. Which again postpones the divorce since STBX wants the girls.

I can't afford another attorney, I have been searching for a Motion for Bifurcation but have not found one I can submit to the court.

I get emails/text messages from STBX that he is "My loving husband". He sent me a couple's horoscope last night.

Daily Flirt:

Something weird is going on with your health -- most likely it's nothing serious, just irritating -- but you can make a simple change that will clear it up much sooner than you think.

Daily Couples:

Are the two of you ready to learn from the past? The stars say making a full and sincere effort to absorb these lessons results in a time of unprecedented sweetness and harmony in your relationship.

What the HECK! Totally creeped out and just want this man to move on. But as I read about this Gaslighter, Psychopath, Narcisiss, Abuser or whatever you want to call him, he won't let go easy. He is dating other women but yet he won't leave me alone. I want to move so badly, but every stinking time the place falls through or they aren't renting now or so other reason. I'm sad and admit to be stressed out. I'm dizzy again and I've gotten belly aches and twitches again on my face from time to time. Nightmares are back as well.

I may ask my sister to stay with me or something. I'm not sure. Living life as usual but looking over my shoulder.

Keep us in your prayers...

Update on the seemingly never ending divorce

Well! Our newest GAL has declined, our last GAL that we never talked to declined because she knows Terry. Understandble! The new GAL is having a baby soon and she did not believe she can devote as much attention as she could because of her condition. So she is declining.

I'm at a loss of words for this situation, but I know there are many divorces that take time. I'm so impatient! I want it to end! I dislike seeing STBX writing words of love and tenderness. As well as his now infamous signing of "Your loving husband" in his notes. Or "Melinda my love" as his email addy states.

I have repeatedly told him we are over but he continues to live in the realm of fantasy, where I am coming back to him. Of course this is once I get my head out of my ass and come to my senses. He is willing to forgive me as well as taking the baby as his own. The man is sick! He then will write or say how stupid I am or some other mean, hateful words to further try to get his point across that he is a changed man. Ah! But this is the Gaslighter, Narcissis, Psychopath, Borderline personality disorder, Intermittent Explosive disorder, Abuser or whatever you want to call him.

My Order of Protection is up at the end of August. Call me paranoid or just worried but I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. I'm not thrilled by the idea that someday the girls will have no supervision with visits.

I wish I could find help on the divorce. But lack of money and once Atty's find out about crazy man, I get no thank you's. SIGH!

I look back at old posts are realize we have all come so far! I wish my son would have stayed. I believe that his seizures and other health issues are because of  the anxiety of living with that man. He gets the brunt of his Dad with no one to help him stay safe. I can't say for sure but that is my feeling. I do wish for a time when we can all reacquaint and come to be a Son and Mother relationship again. I know that is sometime down the road but I hold out hope and faith for that time.