A little about me

Thursday, March 1, 2018

Keep yourself safe after you leave an abusive situation

If you are reading this and you have already left your abuser I want to tell you... YAY! I'm proud of you! Now for the dirt.

The first 72 hours of leaving your abuser can be one of the most dangerous time.I am not sharing this to scare you or change your mind in leaving. I am sharing so you aren't caught off guard. 

Abusers will stop at nothing to get their victim back. A little smooth talking, a few tears, perhaps some threats to harm themselves or you. 

How do you keep yourself safe not only after 72 hours but going forward?

1) Get yourself an Protective Order! You may say, Melinda, I've done this and have a stack of them. He/She keeps getting a slap on the wrists, it's not working! Trust me, I know how frustrating this is! 

Anytime this person sends you a threat or upsetting message contact the police. Depending on the level of intensity they will let you know if a Protective Order is an idea. 

If it seems like nothing is happening and your ex is still harassing you or breaking into your home. Call the police! Leave a papertrail! This will serve you down the road legally. Any text, voicemail, email, note or letter that is threatening or just leaves you on edge call the police. If these come through and you have an active order this can send your abuser in violation. They may still get off but not doing anything is allowing your abuser to keep bothering you.

2) Don't let anyone talk you back into taking your abuser back! Not family or friends or even your abuser. You may have to sever ties with those close to your abuser or those that he/she may have woo'd by their charm. Ignore calls, messages and texts from your abuser. DON'T ANSWER OR ENGAGE! This is not your opportunity to give a few jabs in. Doing so could legally turn around and bite you in the butt for egging your abuser on. 

Have a friend or family member check your emails, text messages and voicemails. If there is anything that is alarming or they consider an emergency call the police or carefully evaluate the situation before returning correspondence.

3) You may find mysterious find yourself having "new" friends requests on social media or things you shared your ex may suddenly know about. Go through your list carefully to rule out who may be sharing info. Or to the extreme "feed" info (false info) to someone you may feel suspicious about. Let time go between giving info before you move onto others that raised flags.

4) Get a new phone or change your number. Before you put the brakes on this one, you do not need a flashy phone to get you through this right now. Unless you can afford it of course. There are several cheap phones that aren't too bad. 

I use Tracfone. I'm not advocating for this phone, just saying it is a good phone if you just want to make calls. Texting and data can cost a bit more, but I can swing this at this time for $20.00 every 2 months. It may cost a bit more when I am having emergencies or when I was having legal issues.  

If you can't afford a new phone or perhaps your abuser is paying the bill, be forewarned they can check the bill to see who you are texting and calling. They may also be able to enable the GPS on your phone.You may also get a phone from a Shelter! 

Invest in a phonebook. Unless you have all of your important numbers memorized. I'm a 70's child and had to remember phone numbers. This was pre-cell phones! Now, we live in a age where we just hit the phonebook on our cell, but what if you have to leave that? You can pick up a phonebook rather cheaply or make a list on Word or Excel. 

Consider using collect calls to make calls to your abuser or anyone connected to this person. Or use a phone card. 

Example: A BIG problem for me early in my leaving my ex was that I let my guard down. I didn't think and called my then Mom-in-law on her house phone using a cell phone that my ex did not know I had. He went over later that day for dinner, checked her cordless phone and scrolled down her caller id list. Guess whose number he found!?

So the things I speak of are from experience!

If you can find a payphone, use that. Sadly, these are getting harder and harder to find. But, keep change handy.

5) Speaking of GPS... Tracking devices can be very small. They could be attached to your purse, a child's backpack, toys, installed on your laptop or computer or somewhere in your home. Check your phone out. Check your children's things after a visit. Install software on your computer in case spyware was installed. 

A new laptop or computer is your better bet if you have the funds. If too pricey but you feel you need to have a new device, consider purchasing from a pawn shop, check upscale thrift stores, Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace or local groups. Of course, make sure if you go through social media to be safe and purchase in a public area. Consider doing so in front of a police station. 

Change your passwords, pin numbers, and change them often if needed on social media, banking, bills, and wherever you need to do so.

6) If you are securing your electronics, think about your home. Make sure your doors and windows are locked. Put dowel rods in a top corner of the windows vertically. There are window and door sensors that you can get from a hardware store that are easy to install. Consider getting security lighting and alarms, these can be bought relatively inexpensively. Change your locks on all your doors! 

Make sure if you keep a spare key that it's not in plain sight. Find a trusted neighbor and alert them to the situation and to call the police if they see something suspicious. You may ask them to also keep a key for you. This may be embarrassing to you or you may feel you don't want to bother anyone or put them in danger. Ask! 

Remember if you have a child, they may not understand leaving dear old Dad or Mom outside if they are knocking. Sit them down and talk to them about how important it is that you all stay safe and not to answer the door for anyone at all unless you give permission or allowed to answer the door if they are alone. 

Of course you don't want to put fear in them. Gently remind them that right now you and your partner are not getting along and to keep you all safe you need them to be brave and help you all stay safe. If they don't know about stranger danger, now is an important time to do so!

7) Speaking of the door! Instead of changing the locks if it is a wood door think about replacing it with a wood door. 

Consider keeping a bat, Pepper spray or even bug spray handy. If you have a permit to carry a weapon keep it handy. Make sure it is safe from your child. Gun's not your style or you are worried about the kids, consider having a knife near the door.  USE THE PEEPHOLE on your door and if you don't have one install one. 

8) Alert your child's school or daycare about your situation. Let them know that "YOU" are the only person your child goes home with, unless otherwise. Or change schools or caregivers if necessary.

9) See if a friend can stay with you or stay with a friend or better yet, go to a shelter! If none of these work for you. Be sure to keep a trusted friend or family member in the loop for where you are going. No your not a child, but you need to stay safe. Texting or sending a quick shout out to your tribe can help put their mind at ease. 

Change your routine! If your routine is to drive for coffee before work, consider going to a different coffee shop or going later. Drive home a different way. If you are using public transportation, take it at a different time. Shop at different stores in different areas. 

Example: In the early stages of our separation my abuser found out where I worked. He paid someone to follow me. This person soon knew my routine and then found out where I worked! He knew what time I started and when I got off. Lesson learned! 

10) Let your work associates know what is going on! You may not want to air your dirty laundry, but keeping your job secure is high priority for you Dear One. 

You may have upcoming legal proceedings, doctors appointments and so on. Keeping your boss included what is going on personally can also help them be more understanding if you are "not all there or focused".  Maybe ask to keep your name off of directories, desk, or office doors. If your place of work has security ask for someone to escort you to your car. No security? Ask a co-worker if they feel comfortable to do so.

11) Give your loved ones a "Code word" to use for phone calls or in case of emergency. Teach your child 911 in the States or the emergency number for your area. 

12) Make sure if you have to see your abuser for any reason that you do so in a PUBLIC setting. You can call your local law enforcement and let them know about your situation (Give them the CliffsNote version). Ask if they can send an officer to sit and wait for the visit or drop off for the kids to be done before leaving.

Now before you think that you don't want to "bother" the police I'll tell you a secret... They would much rather prevent an incident then to walk into an incident in progress or clean up the aftermath. 

Trust me! I've done this and the officers stayed a healthy but easy to get to me distance and waited around until I left. I even had one officer follow me almost all the way home for good measure. 

13) If you can swing it MOVE! Check how far legally you can move away from your abuser. That is if you have children together. Moving too far away could stir the pot and cause more legal issues. Try not to move to the middle of nowhere or a spot that is too surrounded by trees.

If you do move, consider getting a P.O. Box to use as an address for correspondence with your abuser and his/her attorney. Be forewarned the court or police may use your real address. ASK if they have to do it this way or if they do can they hide your address due to safety concerns.

Consider renting a home with utilities included. Or check your state for address confidentiality programs. They may also be able to give you a new social security number too! If you do find a rental apartment make sure you are on an upper floor. 

14) Going back to social media. Do not post where you are going. If you wish to share please do so AFTER you have went. Check your settings and make sure you are posting to your friends only! 

15) Remember I mentioned having a weapon? Consider taking a class in firearm safety or self defense. My family and I took a class through Protective Tactics 101 in Chesterton, IN visit them here- Protective Tactics 101 I highly recommend the class. It is an all day class so be prepared to stay for 8 hours or so. It was worth it! We were also blessed that someone gifted us the class. We hope to do another class in the future.

Taking the class and learning about handling a gun has helped me feel empowered and reassured me that if I need to protect myself and family I can without hesitation!

16) Stay situationally aware at all times. Assume you are going to be a target. Before you enter a public setting, parking lot or going out to your car make sure you are looking around your surroundings at all times. Don't check your phone for the latest text, online game, or social media update. That is not important. Save these for home. Keeping yourself safe is important right now!

17) If you read my other Safety posts, remember I talked about a "Go-bag"? Basically, it is a bag with a 3 day emergency set of clothes, toiletries, keys, and a bit of cash in.  I would throw in a cell phone that may not be active to use just for 911. Remember to throw in a phone charger!

18) Perhaps your abuser is threatening to kill themselves. Take that information to the police to do a wellness check or call his/her family. DO NOT ENGAGE!

Both times before I left my ex, I told his parents and even his boss knew! I let them know in case he did something rash. 

There will be threats of self harm, harming your, your children, or furbabies. Don't be surprised if people you know and love suddenly turn on you. Your abuser maybe turning on the charm and making your out to be the bad guy. Learn to let these things go as upsetting as they will be. Now these things may seem like over the top but these "tools" can help keep you safe. 

How long do you have to do these things? I hate to be a wet blanket, but I've celebrated my 9 year Independence day and I still implement many of these tools. I may have to do it for many years to come but now, they are so ingrained in my routine that I don't even think about them anymore.  

If at all you have any questions contact www.thehotline.org or your local police department. Don't hide. Enjoy life. Moving on is best for you and everyone involved. 

I am always happy to talk to you! I've walked down this road and have been there and survived.This is not an easy road, but I will tell you it will be worth it in the long run! 

Stay safe Dear One.

God bless!



P.S.- The picture of me is for giving you a giggle on this otherwise strong and tough subject. Sometimes if I didn't find something to laugh about that I would cry. I hope this give you a giggle!

*Check out Amazon, Kindle and Nook for "Call me Master"  by Melinda Kunst, my escape from abuse. You will find not only my story, but tips and tools to help you on your journey. 

Coming soon, book two,"Rising from the ashes". I share what was going on behind the scenes when we aren't dealing with the legal system. Issues of suicide, Parental Alienation, rebuilding my self esteem, kicking PTSD to the curb (at least by 95%) and learning about healing chronic illness of Lyme disease and the long list of other illnesses that follow. *

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Advice from Survivors of Abuse

I can not believe it has been 9 years as of tomorrow since I left my abuser. There are times it feels as though it was just yesterday. It may seem to others that I am just living in the past by sharing some sad events in our life. Now I can look at these memories without tears, nightmares and anxiety.

I don't feel that I'm in bondage over my past. It is what it is. I've made peace. I'm not the same person I was when I first started on this journey. 

Sharing has not only saved me from a dark place and time, but showing my vulnerability has helped others know they aren't alone. That wasn't my initial thought when doing this. Perhaps it was a bit of revenge.

I've mentioned this before, there are times when I just thought to stop blogging, sharing, and to let it go of the past.

After leaving I didn't always do the right thing. I put myself in dangerous situations several times. I didn't always say the right thing. Thoughts that my life was so messed up how the heck can I support or share with others? And I'm still trying to heal myself, how can I give advice?

Then, 'SNAP!' like a rubber band, I am brought back to earth by someone who is close to me. They know my story and find themselves in a situation of love where someone they know is a victim. 

I can feel the Lord is looking down wagging his finger, and saying, "See here,Woman! This is part of my plan, quit your belly aching and reach out to others."

After pouting a bit thinking a bit about this I push these things aside and help out.

I share a bit about me. I don't go into deep details, but let the other person know they aren't alone. I include this blog as well so they can come and see I'm not some creepy person. I do provide my phone number if they wish to chat instead. 

I was there once. 

I get it. 

It can be frustrating now that I'm on the other side to try to help and I feel helpless. 9 years later gives me a HUGE prospective that I didn't have. 

Surrendering and allowing some vulnerability to show does not mean you are weak. Doing so can be scary. You may have built a wall around your heart and have a hard time with trust.  Lowering that wall doesn't mean you can't do anything alone. This gives you a chance to ask for help and for others to serve you by your sharing. 

I've asked several Survivors what advice would they share with a victim trapped in an abusive situation.

These answers are courageous, raw, loving and speak the truth. I hope they both speak to you and help you on your journey.

Dana advises; "I really like to leave the abuse behind me. I don't want to keep it in the forefront of my life, because I can't truly be free, if I keep dragging around that kind of baggage. I guess that's what my advice would be... let it go. Look out the windshield, not the rear view mirror."

Vanessa shared that she was a young woman of 17. Her abuser broke her ribs, bit her and more. He was sentenced to 7 years in prison.

She states,"I know how amazing it feels to know that we survived it and can encourage and help others to walk away when they don’t see the need to."

This recently hit home as a woman she knows was recently killed due to domestic violence.
"For those still trapped in abuse it’s a hard place to be every different phase of the abuse is different also. If I had gotten out early enough I could’ve walked away and stayed away. Physical abuse was just with mental abuse and then it turned into him not letting me leave his side even to go to the bathroom and having three locks on the door."

Vanessa's advice; "For someone that is in abuse in the beginning stages I always encourage to listen to their friends and when their friends say he’s a control freak or mention how they have changed since meeting him. For those in the middle I encourage to ask for your friends to find a domestic violence shelter so that you that can get counseling and not feel like you’re alone. Abusers main mental abuse is making you feel unwanted and that you’re nothing without them. In the last phase when it is the worst and you’re mentally and physically not able to leave I would advise doing your best to get out because it only gets worse. Even if the threat is like my friend and you end up dying if you don’t get out you’re going to die anyways."

She further adds, "At the end of the day I know that every time I the see signs that someone is in an abusive relationship, I am the first to make sure I start a conversation with them. Another survivor turned into my best friend after I had strong feelings that she was in an abusive relationship. I told her my story and read some of the police report so that she knew that I could relate. She ended that relationship and we have been best friends ever since."

I mentioned to her that it seems like abusers read out of the same playbook, she replied; "I agree they’re already been the same playbook the same exact Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3. It never gets better it always gets worse. It always starts with finding a woman that is having a hard time in their life and giving them comfort. You might also notice that the woman they choose are always sad from a recently ended a relationship with somebody else for someone that has just gone through something extremely emotional and are just not thinking straight when their abuser walks up to them and tries to be the Prince Charming."

Vanessa ends with a reminder, "You are not alone. These men are evil. No matter how many times they say they’re sorry, they will continually do it until you run away. I felt like I was alone without him because that is what he put in my head but all the women out there we are in this together around every corner is someone that’s been abused let others help you live the life that God wanted for you."

"Hello, I'm Brianna and I left my abuser on September 10th 2014. I didn't choose to leave before that because he kept on telling me that I couldn't survive without him. He was the one that made the money. Well it was all lies! Abusers will feed your head with a bunch of lies to tear you down but know that you are strong and you are stronger than words."

She adds; "Words may hurt, but your strength can overcome any words that he could say. Sure, it's hard at first but once you start seeing how much you can do on your own and that every step you make is to prove to him that you can do it and you can be happy again!"

Toni suggests the following:

*If you can and have means to get out of the situation leave the abuser.
*Never stay with the abuser just because you have kids together!
*If the abuser has just started, your heart and mind will tell you enough is enough.
*Get into some sort of counseling even it it's with your Pastor.
*Create and use your support system of family and friends.
*Know you aren't alone. Find a support group with those who have been in your situation.
*Have a plan to execute and leave!
*This is not your fault, don't be blame yourself!
*Never give up faith and hope even on the darkest days.
*When you leave it'll be hard but be strong. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward.  Don't go back!
*Look up resources in your area you can utilize for help, "Crisis Center, etc..."

Maggie says, "I think that is important is to practice self love. When you love yourself I think you quickly recognise when someone isn't treating you with love and respect. When you love yourself it's easier to walk away from those who don't treat you right."

Kristy encourages, "It’s easy to stop hearing your own inner voice in the echoes of the fears, the lies, and the what-ifs. Everybody has the ability to listen to their intuition, though, and it is hardly ever wrong. When you are in an abusive relationship it is easy to mute your intuition, but your intuition is a powerful ally as to the awakenings of the truths and the next steps. If it were easy, nobody would be in negative situations. Just as you have to tend to a flower, you have to tend to your own soul – nobody else will do it.  You make the decision to grow or stop growing. I hope you unsilenced your intuition and choose to start blooming. ~Kristy Robinett – www.kristyrobinett.com


I hope you found words of support, comfort, and reminder that you are not alone.

Stay safe! 

If you need immediate assistance please visit The Hotline or call your local authorities.

Much love and BIG HUGS,


P.S. - 
Abuse has no prejudice. It affects all races, ages and genders.

Men are also victims of abuse. It is under reported by males trapped in this situation for fear of ridicule and shame. 

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Hope when there was none on FB!

I decided it was time to start a page on
Hope when there was none FB page

It's about darned time. I'm not sure why it took me so long to do it. You will find safety tips, inspirational quotes, sneak peeks at my upcoming projects and books.

I will still blog every now and again, but I feel it's time to branch out a bit more. I hope you visit me there.

My book sales have been steady and I am thrilled to say I was surprised. The support from my tribe and strangers has been touching. You can get the Ebook for $2.99 until 1/14/18 get it here- Call me Master Ebook

I hope the holidays have treated you well, Dear One.

I mentioned in previous blog posts that I wasn't really digging the holidays. In the past, holidays were not fun for us. Over the past few years they have been wonderful!

This year, I had injured my knee 2 weeks ago yesterday. My family had put the tree up on Christmas eve, Mr. Awesome did last minute shopping and wrapped all the gifts. Though I am still looking for a calendar that I purchased for my eldest Daughter. That leaves me scratching my head. I don't feel confident enough to climb the stairs to go look for it. I have gotten my kids calendars for he past 7 years now so they can use them for school planning and later job or appointment scheduling. They really have come to expect and love getting them.

I found out I have some tears in my knee. I don't have the results to know where or if surgery is in the future for me. I spoke with a nurse that couldn't tell me more then my next appointment will be on Feb 2nd!

I haven't done critter chores in 2 weeks and I do miss it. I caught a glimpse of the birds as Peanut was mucking out the coop and The Abbey (Duck house). It's been too cold for anyone to want to venture out. Everyone is safe and sound.

All is quiet on the homefront and I LOVE IT!

Wishing you a Happy New Year Dear One.

Stay safe!


Tuesday, December 12, 2017

My ebook is out! Call me Master!

It's kind of surreal! After several years of remembering, scouring through old legal records, my journals, emails and other notes, it's out! WAHOO! The paperback version will be out soon. I am thinking to give copies to shelters and to churches. Find more about my book here: Author Central- Melinda Kunst

At the same time, it's bittersweet. The road that led to the book was paved with tears, pain and guilt. There I said it. I still have that Mommy guilt of staying so long. I suppose that is something that just won't go away. But, I do know that my children don't have to be a product of their past. They can fight past it and move on.

I can only do so much to facilitate any help for them. It's not like they are wee ones clinging around my legs, they are all technically adults. Right now, I feel relieved. Like a load is off my shoulders.

I'm marking this day that is also the Anniversary of Mr. Awesome and I with eating anything I feel like today. I started a 28 day cleanse but today feels like it is a good day to cheat. Pizza is coming later! I haven't heard anything from the attorney representing my ex. I'm taking that as a good sign. We are still watching the homestead just in case. Back to watching our surroundings as we go out. Something we did before but are more diligent.

I do have to say that over the past 6 months he has been paying child support. He is behind about $1, 300.00 or so, nothing near what he was in the past. But here is the caveat, 95% of child support needs to be up-to-date for any claims for taxes. I already spoke to his attorney and advised him that Will can claim our Daughter. My only concern is that my previous tax person said that he can only claim her if he had overnights and that was never granted by the courts (THANK GOODNESS!). Thus, he shouldn't be able to claim her for taxes. No worries, though. This is small potatoes compared to past concerns.

I fill my days with living in the moment. I get to stay home while Mr. Awesome goes to work that he
enjoys. We are thrilled he is not Mr. Crankypants anymore. He needed that adult interaction. He has become a weekend Warrior.

We homeschool Mini Man. Take care of our flock of Chickens, Ducks and now the Honey Bees are tucked in the for winter. I'm doing a self inflicted 28 day cleanse to help with my cooties, Lyme Disease and just because. And, I write. I'm about halfway through with book 2, "Rising from the Ashes". It's about what I did to help heal myself from PTSD and anxieties after leaving.

I cover a bit in my current book but this goes through a lot more other things that helped me on the road to healing.

I am also working on a 3rd book about our ride down the rabbit hole with Lyme Disease. I also dusted off my Vision Boards and have decided to show others what worked for me. I have a upcoming workshop in a local town and I'm pretty excited. I hope to do more of these, they are fun to do.

I sound busier than I really am. I tend to nap a lot. Just because I'm tired. But I have to tell you this life I have now is such a blessing! I still feel it is a dream.

I'm happy! I also had a wild hair to travel again, this time across the US by bicycle before or around the time I'm 50 (in a few years!). I thought about doing it as a Lyme ride but I think it's just going to be a happy I'm alive ride. My behind is hurting and it's only been a week since I started. We found a stationary bike on an ad that is a vintage Schwinn. I love it. Needs a better seat though. My behind is hurting a bit.

I free...

I love you Dear One, you have stuck with me through this amazing and at times terrifying ride. Thank you! And if you are still in an abusive relationship please know you are never alone in that loneliness. I have been there. It is not living. The tough part is making the decision to go. It's not easy. I promise you that. I also can say that your life will be so much better once your gone. You may not notice this until years later after the crazy of leaving your abuser. But, it does...

I love you! Stay safe!
PS: We also celebrated 3 birthdays! My eldest Son, Nathan! I missed so many birthdays and though we weren't there physically, we did celebrate it with cake and sent pictures to him via FB.

Mr. Awesome celebrated the BIG 60! A week and a half later and then...

I was the Birthday Girl! I asked everyone to wear party hats, why not? I turned... GULP! 47! I'm can't tell you how wonderful it is that I am able to celebrate my birthday. There was a time I didn't think I would be able to.
Lots of love...

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Domestic Violence Awareness month

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.

This is my 9th October since I left my abuser.

It is bittersweet. It still hurts, though; less intense as it had when I first left.

The deep impact of the intense feeling of loss, hurt and fear have ebbed greatly. The phrase, “Time heals all.” has profound meaning to me.

I’m not who I was when I first left. I consider myself stronger. I feel I have grown into a woman. Does that make sense?

I feel as though I am actually living my life rather than going through the motions. Life has it’s complexities of normal up’s and down’s and that’s ok! I’ll take it!

I moan and groan now on my social media about how I’m under attack from battling Lyme Disease.  There are no longer posts about my “Never ending divorce”.

My feeds are filled with happiness. Beauty. Love. Bliss.

I feel true to my feelings. I’m unafraid to show the real me. The good, the bad and ugly.

Does this mean I don’t still deal with my ex? Heavens! I still do, but not as much or barely than I did before. Now, I hear bits and pieces from friends and family that state him and his partner have taken to cyber stalk me. He is potentially taking me to court because I told him that I did not allow him to file tax exemption for our girls in 2015.

Prior to this we had an agreement, yes, believe it not we did speak civilly on a few occasions. Our agreement was since he was behind in taxes that I would just claim the girls. According to our agreement if he was in arrears he wouldn’t be able to claim them. He is in arrears A LOT.

I know this annoys me. But what really frosted my cake was the HIGH probability that he now knows our physical address that was supposed to be hidden from him. How was it found out? His attorney sent a letter to discuss the matter and our address was listed. I was livid! I am saddened that my ex’s partner is insisting for visits from the girls. Technically, both girls are adults. She is not aware or does not want to know our past.

I am dynamite to my ex. If his new wife is privy to how explosive our relationship was and the castle of lies he has built to destroy me and glorify himself, which would be dangerous to that relationship.
At the same time, I am dumbfounded that this man makes $60,000.00+ and a majority of that is under the table and he may take me to court?! I made $8,000.00 last year. GRRFACE! Did I mention I stopped working? Mr. Awesome wants me to heal at home. I really need this.

My relationship with my eldest Son is coming along wonderful and it feels like a HUGE blessing! Besides this new development, my life is amazing.

No, I am still unsure what way my business is going to go, or
where my life purpose is.

I got to tell you it’s still sweet. Despite the hardships that went on. 

It was worth it.

So, Dear Blog reader,

If you are reading this, please take heart that it will get better. It takes a long time to get there, be patient. You’ll get there. 

Much love and safety to you.  Not sure where to begin to plan to leave? Check out this for Safety planning- Survival-or-Personal-Go-Bag

If you are in an abusive situation contact your local shelter or www.thehotline.org or call 1−800−799−7233. If you are a loved one that knows a person in an abusive situation, please be patient. Listen, respect and be a shoulder to this person. They are on a roller coaster of fear. They may not know which way is up right now. Just being there is so helpful!

As always …

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Can you really move on? Warning boob shot!

Howdy Dearest Blog reader!


Mr. Awesome and I had a discussion on memories of our youth. We talked about our attributes, so I asked... What would you change on me? YES! I opened that box, can of worms, gates or what-have-you.

He said a perky set would be nice. But of course, not required. He added he wishes certain parts could also be back where they belong. Sorry to be so graphic.

It got me thinking.

These girls have a mothering history:

4 children were nurtured and rested upon them when they were hungry, scared and when they just needed a hug.

On a sour note:

They were pinched hard

Squeezed tirelessly


Bitten until they bleed. I swear my nipples would just fall off a few times

They have been pulled until I lost my breath

My girls may not be pretty anymore. They may not be as at attention as they once were but they stand as a reminder that I was able to have them to mother my children and withstand sometimes brutal experiences.

Sometimes scars aren't visible. Sometimes the wounded recess of our brains still fire up with sad memories. Even though, I have clearly moved on, I still have moments from the past that gives me pause. Now, I had thought about this above picture before posting it. I talked to Mr. Awesome several days after our conversation. He back peddled and advised that he wasn't saying I needed to get an enhancement done or anything and that I was just perfect to him.

I told him of my thoughts and that I was thinking of doing a nude picture of me and my breasts. Without batting an eye, he said, "Whatever you want Babe and thank you for asking my opinion first."

So, after about 5 or 6 pictures in various poses, it felt WAY TOO pornish to me. I could even imagine the funky music in my head. UGH! This isn't going to work and I flopped on the bed after putting the girls back in their containment unit. For giggle I took a picture of me laying down and standing up. I showed them to Mr. Awesome and we agreed on this one. I hope not to offend.

The memories from those times are not as intense as they were when I first left my abuser. So, please believe me when I say they will eventually wane and ebb away. It takes time for the freshness of your emotions and the past to go away.

It also takes work! Putting your past away on a shelf is not the best way to get through the pain. Doing so, can spill into your relationships with your family, friends and any new relationships you seek out.

What kind of work do you need to do?

Talk to someone that you trust about your past (Counseling or Therapy) If you kids also consider counseling. My Dear Friend, Lydia, whom I have a previous blog post- See here: Someone I think you should know- Lydia about has been an Angel to lean on. Especially since a lot of our experiences are similar.


Dive into hobbies or pick up new ones



Pray/Find a place of worship

Find a new job

Go back to school


Dance even if someone is looking

Laugh- Put on a Comedienne or funny movie

Binge Netflix

Get a massage


Take care of YOU!

So, if you see other blogs or books about how the Author is fine and moved on. I am sure they still have to work on shaking the past. It doesn't just go away when you leave out the door. Your ex can be like a bad penny.

Moving on also means:

Change your cell number or get a Tracfone and don't give your ex the number!
Instead, let your ex talk to a friend or family member you trust to relay messages if it's an emergency.

Get rid of your computer or tablet or at least make sure your GPS location is not on. The same goes with your phone. Your ex could very well put tracking programs on your devices.

Change passwords on everything.

Make sure you don't list your whereabouts on social media. Don't make it easy for your ex to find you.

Don't ever be alone with your ex! This is important! Use friends/family or law enforcement for visitations.

Go home different ways. Learn to be situational aware.

Take a self defense course.

Remember you are worthy of love.

When you look at the smiles on my blog, please know that everything is still not peaches and cream. As it is my ex is still cyber stalking me. He still talks to others about me. I'm sure he still carries a torch for me, even though he is married to another.

Gaslighters/Narcissists, don't give up easily. You see, you are like a toy that was misplaced and he/she wants to find you again. In many cases, your ex may still try to harm you even 5+ years later.

What do you do? Can you ever have normalcy? Will there ever be a time when your ex's name doesn't come up in any conversation?

Yes and yes.

Protect yourself Dear One. But don't guard your heart so tightly that you chase real love away.

In closing, remember:

Trust your gut.

Have patience.

Educate yourself with the legal in's and out's of your separation/custody/state laws.

Believe in yourself.

And most of all remember- I believe in you!

Big hugs,

PS: My book is done! I have asked a dear friend to do a cover photo for me and I am hoping to have it available for sale on Amazon before the year ends. I'm anxious to get it out there. Not really excited, does that make sense?

More news to come about this and more in the next few weeks!

PPS: If you are helping someone trapped in an abusive relationship and don't know quite how to handle it, please call National Domestic Violence Hotline (800)799-7233.
Be patient with your loved one! They maybe terrified of leaving.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Repost- Someone I think you should know- Lydia

You can find this original post here: Someone I think you should know- Lydia

I have been honored to  share several stories of inspiration over this past year. 

Lydia has always been someone I admired, with her amazing smile, enthusiastic outlook on life.  She has been a wonderful voice on the phone when I needed to vent about my own story, afterwards, she opened up, privately, about her situation.

No one would ever know of the personal agonies that hide behind her cheery attitude. 

Sadly, Lydia's story mirrors many victims experiences.

The sensitivity of the following Guest post about Abuse is being labeled with a 'Trigger warning' and not for anyone under 18 to read, unless permission from a parent.

As always, I hope this Lydia brings you inspiration and understanding about a very secretive subject.

I met my husband when I was 26.  

He lived upstairs from me at the apartment I was renting.  I would sit outside on the steps to read ironically, about the time he came home from work each day.  He began to earn my trust by talking about the books I was reading.  

When there was a small fire in the building, we had to move.  We went our separate ways for a while, but he would show up in random places:  at church, at the grocery store, etc.  I didn't realize he was following me.  There were so many coincidences.

I began a new job.  A few weeks later, he just happened to start working there, too.  That's when we started going to breakfast together after work.  He was so charming at first.  

A few months later (This all happened so fast!), he was having trouble finding a place to live.  I thought we were just friends, so I invited him to be my roommate.  I made it clear that our relationship was not going to be sexual.  Even so, he continued to be charming and we started to date.  

Another few short months later, he gave me a ring.  

He was asleep when I came home from work.  When he heard me come in, he popped his hand out of the blankets and in his hand was a ring.  I said yes.  He was still charming.  

Our wedding was a few weeks later.  His charming facade fell away on our wedding night. He changed from this charming, loving guy into an angry control-freak. More about this later.

I inquired whether she had an alarm that went off in her belly, 'Gut instinct'. She states:

Yes, it did.  However, I did not recognize it.  I had been abused by my parents and had therefore not learned to recognize that signal.

Sadly, she is no stranger to abuse. She shared a time in her life when she experienced a dark time:  

Back to the wedding night and honeymoon.  On our wedding night when we arrived at the hotel, I went to the bathroom to change out of my wedding dress.  I heard glass shattering outside the door.  

Somehow, he had broken our wine glasses.  The glass was all over our clothing in our suitcase.  Unbeknownst to me, glass was also on him.  He didn't tell me that there was glass in his penis, yet he proceeded to initiate sex with me.  

As we began, I felt the pain, but since this was my first sexual experience, I thought I should expect some pain.  Soon I discovered the blood.  When I discovered the blood, he began to go on and on about the glass in his penis, yet I was the one bleeding.  I got the glass out of my own body while he proceeded to be angry about the glass in his penis.  I was so confused.  

Where was his anger coming from?  

Why was he angry with me?  

Then, he started laughing and showering me with affection.  I was bleeding so much I wanted to go to the ER.  He begged me not to, saying it was too embarrassing. I listened to him, but was still confused by the change from anger to the love bomb.  I went on as if nothing happened.

On the next several days of our honeymoon, he continued to switch from anger to love-bombing. I continued to be confused, but any attempt to talk to him about the confusion was turned on me stating I was just being silly or oversensitive.  He would also talk in circles, arguing.  He would be arguing without any real point to his argument.  He would change topics often.  

No matter what point I made, he would turn the argument against me.

I asked if at any point in either of any of her situations, did she ever cry out for help to anyone, counseling, help from church or law enforcement? Did anyone ever guess something was off? 

As a child, I once called DCS, asking for help.  When there was an investigation, my parents sweet talked their way through it and threatened to send me away themselves if I ever did it again.  My mother said she would show me what abuse really was.  For the next several months, she emotionally abused me.

When I was married, I no longer recognized abuse as abuse.  

I began to think it was normal.  

Many people, including my ex-husband's parents tried to warn me not to marry him, telling me that I didn't see his true colors.  A friend of mine told me that he was manipulative, controlling, and downright creepy.  

I just didn't see it myself.  

I didn't want to see it.  

Because of the abuse from my parents, I didn't feel lovable.  Here was this man showering me with love.  Sure, he got angry easily, but the love is what I craved.  

I married my self-esteem.  

What kept you going forward?  

When I was a child, hope for a future kept me moving forward.  I did well academically.  I sang well, too.  I was smart and talented.  I knew I would do well in college, and I did.  I had hope for a future that began to come to fruition.

When I got married, that future came to a screeching halt.  My abuser made sure I didn't succeed as a Lutheran Deaconess.  He made sure I didn't participate in vocal performances or choir.  What kept me going then were my children.  I began to hope for their futures as I once hoped for my own.

The questions I hear often is, "Why did you stay?". What were the reasons you stayed?  

First, because of my religious beliefs, I stayed because I did not believe that God wanted me to divorce.  I didn't realize that God also wants us to flee from evil.  I couldn't recognize the abuser as being evil.  

Second, I stayed because of my low self-esteem.  I didn't think that anyone else would love me.  I didn't think I was worth much.  At least I got the love bombs from my abuser.  But over time, those doses of "love" were fewer and farther between.  I didn't know that his "love" was not love at all.  I didn't realize that he was love-bombing me to keep me under his control.

Some victims of abuse do transition into recreational drugs/alcohol, depression, emotional issues or health issues. Had any of these affected you? How are you dealing with your issue and how are you at this point?

I experience depression, even now.  I used to cut in response to the abuse.  I didn't want to, or couldn't lash out at my abusers, so I took it out on myself by cutting.  In order to stop cutting, I began smoking.  I still smoke on and off today.

Children can have various health issues that may not been seen right off the bat as related to abuse. I inquired how her children were handling this situation, she responded:

My children are emotionally delayed.  My son has autism, but I often wonder how many of his symptoms are autism and how many are PTSD.  He has high anxiety and experiences depression.  He goes back and forth between wanting contact with his dad and wanting nothing to do with him.

My daughter has Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  She displays many behaviors that are similar to her father's.  I remind her often that she is not her father.  She has an explosive temper, but is generally the most big-hearted, loving soul.  She has PTSD as well and has recently been making connections between her emotions and what her father did to us.  It is a privilege to watch her begin to heal. 

She is taking the following steps to keep her children and herself safe:

First, I divorced him in 2018.  We are working on our third consecutive protective order.  I have changed our phone number multiple times.  We have a safety plan in place that involves simply calling the police if the abuser shows up and then either exiting the residence to find a safe place, or going to a locked room while speaking to the police.  

Have family and friends been supportive once they have learned of your situation? Did the situation break your relationship with loved ones due to disbelief or fear they have for your abuser?

My family doesn't recognize abuse as abuse because of the abuse we experienced as children.  They are supportive as they can be at this point in everyone's recovery but only one of my siblings can bring herself to call it abuse.  

With friends, I have been blessed.  I reconnected with old friends after the marriage and have rebuilt friendships that were paused while I was married.  I have made new friends with folks who helped me recognize abuse for what it was and stuck with me through it all.

Do you think he will change? If he does, would you go back?

NO! and NO!  Even if he were to change, I can never trust that it is genuine.  

Where do you see yourself a year from now?  

A lot can happen in a year.  

My daughter's healing will likely progress and I expect to see fewer behavioral episodes.  

My son will be less anxious as he begins to trust that the abuser will not be in the picture.  

I will trust myself more as I consistently keep the abuser out of the picture.

How much has you life and have you changed since leaving your abuser?

First and foremost, we are safe.  My health has improved since leaving.  I was having daily seizures and could barely walk, think, or speak much while married.  I haven't had a seizure since the divorce.  While slow at first, I began to walk steadily and think more clearly.  Once the recovery got underway, things moved rather quickly.  I was able to start driving, moved to a new residence and began working part-time.  

My self-confidence is still growing and I believe I am worthy of genuine love.  

My kids went from cowering to looking people in the eye and finding their own voice.

What would you advice can you give to someone that is suffering in silence?  

I would recommend that they find someone to reach out to.  My church helped me so much. Find someone who believes you and can connect you to services such as an advocate.  If the first person you reach out to doesn't believe you or is unable to help, find another person.

I also want to add, that my primary support person is my Pastor.  He saw through the abuser's lies and gently led me out of the prison of abuse.  

Yet, it wasn't my Pastor, but it was God working through him.  God can use anyone to be that person who can lead the way for someone who is still suffering.

Lydia advised that she is open to for contact, if you Dearest Blog reader, would like to discuss her story further. She can be reached at: confessionalmama@aol.com

For help in a abusive situation call-
The National Domestic Violence Hotline-
1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Stay safe and God bless!