Tuesday, April 6, 2021

Are you living in “Victim mode”?


Victim mode or Victim mentality can happen to anyone.

It's where you feel victimized by the actions of others or you may feel or behave as if the world is against you. Perhaps things are challenging in your life and you feel like nothing ever goes right and if you can't prove it you may feel the circumstances are unfair. Even when things are going right you find fault or things wrong.


Life presents challenges in life. No one is without fault, loss, or circumstances that they have no control over.


It's alright to feel sorry for what you can not control. Such as abuse, mourning a loss, victim of a crime, losing your job, your relationship. Start to examine if you feel that things are happening to you. Living as a victim can stop you from moving forward. Victimhood can stop you from taking action and responsibility for your life. You may continually feel powerless. No one chooses to be victimized. But how you respond afterward is crucial.


If you are living in this mode you may feel that you:


Have a right to complain about your situation.


Feel that you need attention or that others should feel sorry for you.


You find it difficult to find happiness in life.


No one should criticize you or upset you because of what you experienced. You may avoid taking a leap of faith into a new job or relationship.


You can live your life on a repeat of the incident or the circumstances that brought you to this point of victimhood.


You overthink situations or over-complicate situations so they become drama.


People may feel guilty for not helping you.

When meeting people you may overshare your own story.

You keep yourself so busy that you don't have time to deal with your past in order to heal.


People close to you may unknowingly be creating a situation of co-dependency. The victim may lash out at anyone trying to help the victim and the victim defends their behavior.


Much of this is unintentional.


Victimhood can also be handed down from generation to generation. Perhaps you saw this behavior from a family member or you had a codependent relationship with someone. Victim mode could have been a way to survive for you.

So what can you do?


The first step is to recognize that this can be an issue.


Stop blaming others and accept responsibility to create your own happiness.

Start taking note of negative thoughts or behaviors throughout your day. This includes where you feel jealous about others, complain or judge others.


Journal your actions and thoughts as you begin to recognize negative patterns.

Use gratitude to remind yourself of the blessings you do have in your life.

Start to create positive routines and habits.

Find forgiveness for yourself and others. Let go of the past. You can't change it! Learn the lesson even if it was heartbreaking and take baby steps to heal from that wound.


Let go of the anger you have towards yourself or others.


Where are you dependent on others? Can you pay it forward or start taking steps to lessen that dependency. That may look like looking for a job, learning to budget, finding counseling, or learning how to drive.


Try affirmations and mirror work- make this a habit you can do as you are getting ready for your day. Building your confidence to believe in yourself is beneficial towards healing!


Remember you are the Captain of the ship of your life. You have the power to steer clear of obstacles or to get to your destination.


If you fall back into victim mode, recognize it, get back up, and dust yourself off.


Remember tomorrow is another day.


BIG HUGS,

Mel








Wednesday, March 24, 2021

Financial abuse- Abuser asserts control over your finances

 

Financial abuse is one of the abuses I didn't realize was so harmful! I had no idea that was a "thing" when I was with my abuser. The control he had over our finances and shifting the blame to me when money was low was eye-opening! 


Honestly, I hated when we balanced the checkbook! It could possibly take hours to do because I was off by as little as a penny. Or perhaps I didn't have the right answer to a receipt purchase. (It was usually followed by intense scrutiny and accusations that I was cheating.) Here are forms of financial abuse and below is the video for this post. You can find more videos on my FB page (Click here) 
Hope when there was none


Ruin Credit- not paying bills or opening accts without approval fraudulently


Overdrawing bank accounts


Files for bankruptcy without your knowledge


Giving an allowance and every cent is tracked


You have to turn over any money you have


Bumming money off you- slowly gives you a sob story


Refuse to work or stop working


Refuse/Inconsistent to pay support/alimony or lies about income so they pay lower support


Deny they are the biological parent


Don't supply health insurance if ordered or promised to do so


Stop paying housing so you are evicted



Stop paying on utilities so they are turned off


Steal your welfare checks/card


Someone is taking interest in your finances- say they have an investment opportunity


Steal money from you or family


Never seem to have money of their own


They misuse funds- frivolously, you are always behind in bills


They destroy property you own or that you own together


Taking a life insurance policy for you


Force you to have access to your finances, Will, business, or Power of Attorney


You are not allowed to have a loan, bank account, car, house or job or make it impossible to access


Demand their name is on your account


Keep a paper trail of these things- have a private ledger


Try to get you fired from your job, may harass you at your job, make you late or miss work


If you are going back to school they may also harass you, make you late, miss school


Smear campaign at your workplace or school


Limit your hours that you work


Not help with childcare


Demand access to your accounts/passwords


Doesn't consult you in private or business decisions


Forces you to go into a career or start a business you are not interested in


Forces you to make fraudulent medical/tax claims or documents for business/personal


Reports “You” for fraud


Refuses to finalize your divorce


May take out a protective order or tie you up in court fraudulently in retaliation


Refuse to give you funds for necessities- food, money, medication, bills, transportation


What can you do? Leave, file a police report, keep a paper trail, contact an attorney to find out if you are liable for fraud. Contact credit reporting companies about possible fraud, ask for an alert to be put on for large purchases. They will decline any big-ticket items and you will need to call and verify that you are purchasing.


Change your password/pins- To something affirming- I am loved, I am a survivor, No more


Squirrel money away!


Open a bank account


Make copies of important papers, loans, bills, check stubs, documentation of payments under the table



Contact your employer about what is going on- Your focus may be off and it may be noticed

This is a lot to process! But, learning how you can begin to protect yourself is so empowering! You are not alone! If you need to talk with someone or resources I am happy to help. I'm not an attorney or counselor but I am someone that understands. I've been where you are! 


Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Here is a link to the Financial Abuse video




Saturday, February 27, 2021

What Does Cyber Abuse Look Like?

 There are steps you can take to prevent and educate yourself on how to keep yourself safe. Any type of abuse is not necessarily between yourself and your intimate partner. Abuse can happen between family, friends, co-workers, and even strangers. So, what does Cyber Abuse look like? It can take many forms and you may have experienced one or more of these.

You may have someone sending threats or hurtful messages on email, text messages, on websites and social media.

Posting secrets, recordings, private/personal videos, and pictures.

Hacking into the victims account to find out personal information whereabouts, financial info.

Steal identity.

Create a fake ad of the victim.

Sexting.

Starting rumors.

Stalking you online or having others spy on you.

You may have the feeling that you are being watched! Planting spyware on your computer, tracking your whereabouts via GPS, installing cameras in your home or elsewhere to spy on you.

Tracking your email/internet use.

Constantly emailing, messaging, or texting you to intimidate or frighten you.

Harass you on social media, dating sites, chat, and gaming sites.

Harassing you by calling or emailing your workplace to cause trouble or get you fired. 


What can you do? There are laws to protect you. First, start by contacting your local law enforcement. Make sure to keep screenshots, any type of paper trail with any emails/text messages, voicemails, and so on. If you keep receiving these keep alerting the police. 

You may need to share issues with your workplace about your situation. 

If you can afford it consider investing in new electronics- Laptop, computer, or phone. Have your vehicle and home swept for tracking or surveillance equipment.  

If those seem a bit out of your price range right now, consider checking out how to find these things yourself. 

Like the other forms of abuse an abuser wants the victim to feel powerless and that they have control.

Don't lose hope! 

Stay Safe!

Mel



Tuesday, July 14, 2020

Tips on sharing your trauma story


If you are thinking of sharing your story publically, let me tell you that I'm proud of you! It's brave to step out of your comfort zone by sharing. This is a time of allowing your vulnerability to come out for one or more persons to hear and that's AWESOME! So how can you get started?


I started by blogging. I shared posts on social media on my page and soon after I received messages from friends that were supportive and much to my surprise a handful admitted they were or had been in an abusive relationship. There were also those that shared someone close to them who was going through a tough time and would I talk with them?

I admit to being a wee bit nervous about talking with others. It's one thing to give advice in the beginning. I argued with God, "How can I talk to others when I'm falling apart?!" I didn't feel like I had it all together or all the answers to help someone else. I considered waiting to talk with people until I was healed or maybe even licensed as something. I didn't feel qualified there is a saying that God doesn't call the qualified He qualifies the called. I needed to get over myself and my ego to realize that this was BIGGER than me.

After I published my story I started to do the leg work of marketing myself, reaching out to local libraries, coffee shops, podcasts, and newspapers to share my story. I was blessed to have several organizations and personalities to reach out to me. I encourage you to decide how big you want to go when you share.

*Do you wish to tell a few trusted friends or get on TV or radio?

*What places that are local can you share?

*Are there organizations that you can speak to?

*What podcasts or blogs do you like to ask if you can be interviewed as a guest?

*Look for FB groups that specialize in your area and ask the page owner/admin if you can share by a post, video, or interview.

*Or maybe you wish to share with loved ones close to you that had no idea about your secret, or what you experienced. Don't be surprised if those close to you don't support or believe you. This happens! Prepare yourself for questions or even a backlash. Some people aren't ready to hear the truth.

*If you are sharing as an interview or speaker ask how much time do you have to speak?

*If this is as a podcast or "Live" video interview ask what platform are they using and will there be a dry run prior to the meeting so you can make sure there are no technical difficulties or maybe they are using something that you don't have downloaded and you don't want to keep a host waiting while you do so!

*Will there be questions or a script the host will ask you if so can you know what they will be asking in advance? This can help you prepare and give you an idea of how deep they wish to go. You may not feel comfortable in the direction the interview is heading.

*Give yourself a break! Do something for you to relax afterward no matter how you choose to share. This can bring out a range of emotions that you thought you had healed or it may trigger a panic attack. Go for a walk, meditate, talk to a friend, ground yourself, watch or read something funny, cry/scream/yell if you need to.

Remember this, be gentle with yourself. Schedule your storytelling a week or two apart sharing can be taxing on you. Afterward, you could feel on top of the world or like you have been hit by a truck. No matter how you choose to share this is a beautiful gift you are giving someone and yourself.
If you have any questions about this or anything else don't hesitate to message me privately. 


Stay safe!
Mel

Tuesday, June 30, 2020

Nightmares & Narcissists

Will the dreams and nightmares about my ex stop?!

You left your abuser and now your dreaming about him/her. It may feel like you are still being held captive. When do they stop? Why does it feel like I'm obsessed or have separation anxiety from this person?

The duration of dreaming about your ex can depend on how long you are away from this person. Take the amount of time you were with this person and divide it in half. This will be the “magic” number that will be the amount of time you notice you have made progress on your healing journey.

You are probably frustrated by this. I know I was! How can you break free from these? It can be challenging to start reprogramming your mind to see your bad dreams as a tool to heal and change this into a good thing instead. You can do it!

Know that you are safe! This person can't hurt you anymore. You may feel victimized all over again subconsciously. Stop giving this person space in your mind. The feelings of being unworthy, that your useless, everything is your fault, etc... You may go through nightmare spurts. One day you have them and then the next day you don't!
Dreaming allows us to face our abusers head-on. We can safely explore situations we went through as scary as they may have been for you.

If you sit down and think about why you are having these dreams you may be surprised. It could be you were randomly talking about this toxic person earlier in the day with someone. You could have heard a song, saw an item, went past their house, had a message from them, are you up against a deadline, or something else that reminded you subconsciously.

While you are sleeping your brain may be trying to help you or tell you something by replaying a memory or situation.

How can you start to flip the switch?

1) What unresolved hurts do you have? Those bottled up memories can trigger a bad dream. Getting things down on paper or sharing these with a counselor/therapist/friend can be very helpful!

2) Change the voice of your abuser. Replaying these experiences can be terrifying for you but let's pretend you're watching a movie of a memory between you and that person who hurt you. Change the voice to that person. Make it a cartoon voice or really high and squeaky. Kind of like a chipmunk. Does it make you giggle a little? Going forward every time you think of this person I want you to remember this cartoon voice even in real life. This can help you start to see this person in a different perspective. Most of the talk coming from their mouths is ridiculous. Even if they are trying to bring you down I want you to remember this voice.

3) Before you go to bed begin a practice of watching or reading something positive. Don't binge The Walking Dead, watch the news, or consider putting down your phone. Feed your mind something good. If you have to watch a show make it light-hearted. America's funniest home videos, funny animal videos, listen to the Bible on YouTube, find positive affirmations or Bible verses, or record your own to play as you fall asleep. Color, go for a walk or listen to soothing music. Find a hobby that you enjoy to get this person out of your head. Fill your mind with positives and things that make you happy and if you don't know what makes you happy now is a great time to learn.

All of this does take time. I encourage you to give yourself this time to get to know you. To better understand your reactions to a certain situation and how you can reprogram yourself to react in a way that shows you aren't going to be a victim any longer.

Stay safe!
BIG HUGS,
Mel



Saturday, June 27, 2020

Using Mirrorwork to help on your healing journey

This was from a challenge I put out here a few months back and it seems timely!

Have you tried "Mirror work?".

At the beginning of my journey, I whined, hesitated, and angrily did my soul work. 😝I couldn't help but think what was the point?!

My world was crumbling around me and I felt like crap and way too woo-woo for me. There were plenty of eye rolls, sighs, and muttering some not so nice words 🤬. Once I began my practice I felt much better! I began to feel lighter and actually started to look forward to doing it. I kid you not it was a slow practice- Baby steps!

I know you are knee-deep in 💩 right now but finding that thing that helps you begin to find yourself again is so helpful not just at this moment but as you start re-establishing old relationships with family and friends and forging new relationships with others.

Loving that person staring back in the mirror can help you recognize that you are worth being loved, respected, and cherished. 🥰If you need help with taking steps to rebuild "you" message me privately or if you are feeling brave ask the group here what they do!

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel


Monday, June 22, 2020

Green flags to be thankful for in a relationship

No relationship is perfect but there are some things to keep an eye out for when starting or thinking about a current relationship you are in this could be with an intimate partner, family member, friend, or co-worker.

  1. This person takes responsibility for their own actions.

  2. Support things you want to do or pursue.

  3. Practice self-care.

  4. Are reflective on their life or situations.

  5. They have long-standing healthy friendships.

  6. Empathy towards others.

  7. You can be vulnerable around this person or they are vulnerable.

  8. They are spiritual and don't mock your spirituality.

  9. Self-sufficient- They can take care of themselves, appointments, and needs.

  10. Communicate openly with no judgment.

  11. Has hobbies and is encouraging for you to pursue your own or to join in with their interests.

  12. Respects and honors your boundaries.

  13. Are affectionate with you.

  14. Takes interests in the thing you like to do.

  15. Supportive and positive about you even when you aren't feeling that way.

  16. Has a great sense of humor and can laugh at themselves. They don't put you down.

  17. Can help out financially if they need to with no strings or without being asked.

  18. A good listener and communicator.

  19. Has fun!

  20. Accepts your past without being critical.

  21. Doesn't compare you to others.

  22. Respects your need for alone time.

  23. Allows and encourages you to have a career.

  24. Respects your children.

  25. Knows they aren't the center of the universe.

  26. They are mature.

  27. They have confidence in themselves without being cocky.

  28. Fits in no matter what the situation or environment they are in.

  29. Admit when they make mistakes.

  30. Shares in chores or tasks around the house.

  31. Enjoys quiet time and encourages you to do the same.

  32. Willing to deal with the ups and downs in a relationship.

I hope these help you evaluate a questionable relationship you have or maybe even to evaluate "YOUR" behavior in relationships. If you or someone you know is in a toxic relationship there is hope and help. Message me privately for info on services in your area. I have a private FB group for women only that are victims/Survivors of abuse and it can be found here- Hope when there was none group.

Stay safe!
BIG HUGS!
Mel