Guess what! I'm getting married...

Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick!

Over the weekend I will be married to someone that has become a big part of my life. I posted on FB about how much I appreciate him. He's handled everything that has came his (our) way with strength, calm and positive thoughts about each situation. It's sort of a dream right now. I've wrote before about how surreal everything is. Even talking or writing about my past seems like it was someone else.

Not that I'm not happy about this. I'm thrilled! But, I have had some random tears, fear and apprehension creep in on my happiness. Terry has been away for work and I can't wait to have him come back to share as well as get some insight on the little dark cloud that feels as though it's looming.

I'm fearful of being "someone's property". Oh, he's not like that, though I have a concern.
I fear faithfulness. My Ex's track record wasn't the greatest. I have big time trust issues both in my worry about fidelity with my future Mr. Melinda as well as a few needless worries. Heck! They are all needless!
 
I should be thrilled! I should be anxious! And I am, though in some ways I'm still allowing my fears to get the best of me. I have had my glue gun out, glitter, pearls, lace and what's not to love right now? I'm getting remarried!

I was so relieved to chat with a good friend that is also a recent Survivor of abuse. I can learn so much from talking with others about they're experiences,  just gab about how they are surviving or words of wisdom/strength. During the chat I was reminded of despite how different we are in our experiences that we are SO similar! She really lifted me up! Thank ya Darlin!

There has been only a few small issues that have come up (besides what seems like a daily breakdown in my mental state) regarding getting the wedding together. I know this has caused me some distress deeply and some sadness. I'm hoping that it will end up going well. I'm terrible at confrontations. I tend to cry at the drop of a hat when confronted or I just avoid the subject of whatever it is all together as if the "white elephant" isn't in the room. SIGH! But these issues are totally normal in planning a wedding! LOL! So there is some normalcy! I just need to put on those "Big Girl panties" and open my mouth.

Let's see... Unrelated gossip! Well, it's not really gossip if it really happened...

I ended up hearing from, (by accident) a woman that has held a torch for Terry for YEARS (She is a family friend)!

Background: They dated briefly while she was considering separating from her hubby, they have a sexless marriage and he's never home, that was many moons ago. After a few months of her not leaving her hubs, Terry told her that he couldn't do the back and forth anymore and they could remain friends. This was over 10 years ago... Fast forward to 3 years ago, I met her, confronted her (At her house! Ok I do get some balls every once in a while) long story short. She said there was nothing going on. She was babysitting him for years... Blah, blah, blah!

For over 3 years, every great once in awhile she would "drunk" text Terry, crying about how she missed him. Wanting to meet up with him for dinner, happy hour, she is still crazy about him, and more Blah! Blah! Blah! So, when someone texted about fun they were having on a weekend trip in a group text.( There were several replies back and forth between others- still with me on this long tale?)   I find out "she" is one of the person's texting. I couldn't help myself!

I replied back!

I apologized for the house incident long ago. I also said that I would like to get together sometime. I invited her to the wedding! She was watching her child at a sporting event so she couldn't chat, (I was grinning the whole time during this) but she missed us the best. She said there was no reason to worry she had no issues with at all and there were never any. Of course it doesn't explain why she glares and ignores me when she see's me (even before me going to confront her at her house) or why she has never taken Terry up on meeting for lunch or dinner with me included. The next day she replied again that she is having some crazy weekends, but going out of town for a wedding and again wishes us happiness. That was a interesting distraction for a change and it gave me a belly laugh at how silly and normal that incident seemed. I hope to someday forge a peaceful relationship with her. She was very good friends with Terry for a long time. I have no issues with men having friends that are women. She helped him through a dark period of sadness in his life (past marriage) and that's wonderful!

While I don't believe we will be breaking bread anytime soon and future outings that involve her will continue to be uncomfortable.  It's ok, that is normal reality that brings a giggle to me for a change. It's nice that it's not just the madness about my ex or my issues with trying to break free of the memories of my past.

Speaking of madness. I heard the ex went to Crown Point to look for me, tell anyone that will listen we are divorced and how "Happy" he is... "Has anyone saw me?" Days prior to this incident the girls and I were in CP looking for wedding ideas, dresses for the girls and something special for me. (I am a terrible procrastinator! LOL!) A shop owner I'm knew asked me how we were, gushed over the baby and told me how happy she was that I was away from that man. She thought he treated us terribly! She went to discuss some of his family members but I'm not going there. I just smiled politely, thanked her and wished her well. She wished us happier times and good to see us.

So now you know the scoop! I will post pictures of the upcoming nuptials!

Please remember that everyone's situation is different. The levels of abuse as well as the types of abuse. Many times you don't realize how "bad" it was until you are free from it. Know you are not alone. Get help! Talk to someone! Confide in a friend or family member.  Love doesn't hurt! Physically, mentally or emotionally.

BIG HUGS!
Mel

It's never dull around here!

Yesterday morning was every bit as suspenseful as Monday. STBX called my cell and the house, demanding I pick up the *ucking phone! He did not give a *hit about any protective order! This was concerning our son! He thought his meds may need to be increased as M was having more seizures. He further demanded I call right then and there. He left a similar message on my cell voicemail.

What's a Girl with a crazy STBX to do?

I called the police! The same officer that had came the day before showed up, shaking his head and asking what happened with R. I told him the situation and told him I was worried that if M actually had some seizure why didn't R call an ambulance? I said, that I believe that he was making it up just to get me to call or come by so he could harm me, or yell or threaten me.

The officer said that it was alright to call and not even 10 seconds after that my cell rang again. He said, I'll answer that! He said, "Hello? R? R?" There was a long pause. I could hear R say something but I could not tell what. "R, this is Officer G. Did we not speak yesterday? I told you not to call her."

"Now what seems to be the problem? Did your son have a seizure? Do you need an ambulance?", he asked.

I couldn't make out the response, dang it!

"You got him to bed? So, do you need an ambulance? Mr. A., this is about your son. Is he ok?"

R started yelling into the phone, though I could not make out whole sentences, he yelled my name quite a bit! He went on ranting and raving at the officer!

"R! This is not about you and your wife! You called to ask her a medical question for your son? What was the question?"

Again, I couldn't make out his response but he was very heated at the officer. The officer asked and told him several more things but R kept yelling, soon after the officer calmly told him that he did not like his attitude and it would be recorded. "As a matter of fact, R, I will be over to check on your son and you better come to the door!" With that statement he handed me back my phone, letting me know he would return after visiting R and seeing about your son.

About an half hour later I heard a siren that sounded close. I grew both relieved and worried that my son would do something stupid on his Dad's behalf.

Another 45 mins passed and finally the officer came back.

I had been already crying because I was feeling so overwhelmed by old scars and emotions. I kept thinking that maybe he was arrested! Maybe M was really bad off! All those thoughts and memories of R hurting us came back in a flash. I was so nervous that I ended up cleaning all the windows in the apartment.

The officer told me that he spoke to my son and he seemed like he had just came out of a seizure, so he called the ambulance to check him out. He was fine. His heart rate was slightly elevated and he seemed a little tired. Not unlike someone that has had a seizure or someone that is fearful that his Dad will kick his butt if he doesn't go along with it! At least I was thinking the latter...

So! The officer explained that he was torn whether to file charges or not. On one hand, he thinks it might have been a real medical emergency. On the other hand, R, got really out of control. He said he really let him have it!

I did tell the officer that I was worried that R may retaliate! I felt so overwrought with emotions and I couldn't help but cry. He reassured me if I needed anything at all to call the police. Even if something didn't feel right. We chatted more about safety and he left.

I was crushed! Happy to hear my son was well but disheartened to hear that R was still running about. Oh, sure maybe he is stacking the deck against himself due to this insanity. But he is free. He is driving by!

My sister came by to ease my worries. That helped alot! We ended up bumming and doing errands for a bit and then on the way home we saw him and my son! Now if my son had truly had a seizure, in the past, he would sleep the rest of the day away. So seriously, he is next to his Dad in his Dad's WORK TRUCK, looking just fine. We all saw and looked at one another! My STBX looked straight at me with an angry face. He drove off and turned the corner heading towards his house maybe or perhaps to drive around to look for us. I wasn't sure which, but I was a bundle of nerves for the rest of the night.

We later walked to a fair that's going on down the street, but I couldn't help shake my uneasy feeling. I'm glad my sister was here as a distraction. My favorite guy is working and couldn't be at my side. I knew he would in a heartbeat!

The rest of the night and day were tense for me. I had gotten some air for a few much later and silently prayed. I have been resolved to leave everything in God's hands. I keep so much inside or on my shoulders. It's exhausting me! I'm not much good to my loved one's all worried and upset all the time.

Until next time, say a prayer for us!

**I'm not smiling because of the post, as I stated in my blog, I am going to leave my picture, not willing anything to happen. But to attach a REAL person with these postings! These are also STBX vehicles that were taken for me. By a good friend.**

Is he really going to change this time?

http://www.mvwcs.com/goingtochange.html

Is He Really Going To Change This Time?

 A Guide for Women Whose Partners are in a Batterer Intervention Program

If your partner has entered an intervention program for batterers, you're probably hopeful that he will change. It's important to know that there are no miracle cures for his violence - he is the only one who can make the decision to change. This section will give you information about what is an appropriate program, what signs to watch for in your partner, and what to do if you think you may still be in danger of being abused.

How Do You Know If The Program Will Work?

There are no guarantees that any program will work; everything depends on your partner's motivation and willingness to change. Some programs are more appropriate than others. Those programs use the following standards:

Safety is the first priority.

Programs should always assess your safety when communicating with you. A program should never disclose information that you have given them without your permission. A program should not misrepresent its ability to change his behavior. A program's definition of success is the quality of your and your children's lives, starting with safety.

Lasts long enough.

Change takes time. The longer the program, the more opportunities he will have to make the choice to change. A year or more in a program is preferable, although that is not always possible.

Holds him accountable.

The first step of accountability is that he takes responsibility for choosing to use violence to maintain power and control over you. A program should recognize that his behavior is the "problem" and not allow him to use your behavior as an excuse. Programs should hold him accountable for attendance, participation, and complying with the group's rules. (You can get a copy of the rules by calling the program.)

The curriculum gets to the root of his belief system.

The content of the program is set up to challenge his underlying belief system that he has the right to control, dominate, and abuse you. Programs that address anger, communication skills, and/or stress do not get to the root of his belief system.

Makes no demands on you to participate.

You're not the one making the choice to be violent, so the program should not require that you be involved in any way. Don't let anyone lead you to believe that his progress is dependent upon your participation.

Is open to your input.

If you initiate contact with the program to ask questions or give input you think may be useful, a program should welcome your participation. This is different from requiring you to participate. Sometimes, a program may initiate contact with you to discuss your partner's behavior outside the program. You should not feel obligated to share information, especially if you feel it might create a risk of further violence against you.

How Do You Know If He's Really Changing?

Positive signs include:

He has stopped being violent or threatening to you or others.

He acknowledges that his abusive behavior is wrong.

He understands that he does not have the right to control and dominate you.

You don't feel afraid when you are with him.

He does not coerce you into having sex when you don't want to.

You can express anger toward him without feeling intimidated.

He does not make you feel responsible for his abusive behavior.

He respects your opinion, even if he doesn't agree with it.

He respects your right to say "no".

You can negotiate without being humiliated and belittled by him.

You don't have to ask his permission to go out, go to school, get a job, or take other independent actions.

He listens to you and respects what you have to say.

He communicates honestly and does not try to manipulate you.

He recognizes that he is not "cured" and that changing his behavior, attitudes, and beliefs is a lifelong process.

He no longer does _________ (fill in the blank with any behavior that use to precede his violence, manipulation, or emotional abuse).

He no longer isolates you from your family or friends.

He does not blame you for his behavior.

He no longer emotionally abuses you.

He no longer calls you names.

What Do They Do In Batterer Intervention, Anyway?

Changing Attitudes, Beliefs, and Behaviors

Abusers have beliefs and attitudes that support their choice to use violence, such as: men are superior, women are possessions of men, and violence is an acceptable way to get what they want. The program should be reinforcing an egalitarian belief system and that violent behavior is a choice and the batterer's responsibility. Batterers must be confronted about their use of all types of abusive behaviors (i.e., emotional and verbal assaults, abusing pets, destroying property, withholding money or access to

money; stalking, and other behaviors) that can terrify or intimidate victims and their families. Batterers need to learn that there is no excuse for any abusive behavior - and that it is never the victim's fault.

Achieving Equality in Relationships

The program should help batterers come up with long-term strategies for achieving the mutual respect, trust, and support that is necessary to maintain a relationship free of abuse. It should also help them develop long-term plans for sharing responsibility with their partners in areas such as family finances and parenting.

Community Participation

It is important that the program help the batterer understand that he has committed a crime against the community. He can acknowledge his violence by discussing his efforts to change with friends or co-workers, referring other men who are abusive to the program, and making sincere amends for past offenses (such as replacing destroyed or stolen property).

Warning Signs:

Venting Is Not OK

Techniques and therapies like pillow-punching or primal-screaming are NOT appropriate for abusers. They tend to reinforce, rather than discourage, violent behavior. These techniques should not be a part of any intervention program.

A Call from the Program

A batterer intervention program should alert you if it is clear from your partner's behavior in the program that you are in danger. While most programs have confidentiality policies that prevent them from telling you specifically what he has discussed in group meetings, they are obligated to warn you if they believe any immediate danger exists. If you get a call from them about this, take it seriously.

Couples Counseling Won't Stop His Violence

Your partner may try to get you to go to couples counseling, telling you that you both have a problem and should work on it together. Couples counseling is never appropriate when one partner is choosing to use violence against the other. You do not have a "relationship" problem that needs to be addressed - he is using violence and coercion to get what he wants. Couples counseling can only work when both partners feel free to express their issues, concerns and desires freely. If one partner exerts power and control over the other, there is no basis for counseling that is free from fear and intimidation.

Manipulation

Your partner's abusive behavior is rooted in a desire to control you, and that pattern isn't going to change overnight. He may no longer be violent, but he may still try to exert control by manipulating you into doing what he wants. Here are some common manipulative behaviors:

Tries to invoke sympathy from you or family and friends

Is overly charming; reminds you of all the good times you've had together

Tries to buy you back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers, etc

Tries to seduce you when you're vulnerable

Uses veiled threats - to take the kids away, to quit attending the program, to cut off financial support

His promises to change don't match his behavior

You may be so hopeful for change that you want to believe him, even if things don't feel any different. But trust your instincts. If you don't feel safe, then chances are you're not.

The Six Big Lies

If you hear your partner making statements like these while he is in a program, you need to understand that he is lying to you.

"I'm not the only one with a problem, you have a problem too."

"I'm not as bad as a lot of the other guys in there."

"As soon as I'm done with this program, I'll be cured."

"We need to stay together to work this out."

"If I weren't under so much stress, I wouldn't have such a short fuse."

"Now that I'm in this program, you have to be more understanding."

These statements have one thing in common: they let him off the hook for his choice to use abusive behavior. Remember, he needs to be willing to accept responsibility for his violence in order to change.

How Do You Know You're Safe?

If you feel that you will be safer away from your partner while he is in an intervention program, you have every right to leave. Even if you leave, you must understand that his participation in the program is no guarantee that he will not be a threat to you. The risk that he may be violent toward you may even increase when you leave. For your own safety and the safety of your children, watch for these warning signs in the way he behaves toward you while he is in the program.

Tries to find you if you've left. He may try to get information from your family and friends about your whereabouts, either by threatening them or trying to get their sympathy.

Tries to get you to come back to him. He may do anything to get you to come back - if promising to change and being charming or contrite don't work, his efforts could then escalate to threats and violence.

Tries to take away the children. He may try to kidnap the children as a way of forcing you to stay with him.

Stalks you. If you always seem to run into him when you are on your way to work, running errands, or out with your friends, or if you receive lots of mysterious phone calls, he could be stalking you.

Steps You Can Take To Help Keep Yourself Safe

If you have any reason to believe you may be at risk for abuse while your partner is in a program, there are several things you can do to try to increase your safety:

Contact a legal advocate if you feel you need help in dealing with threats to take your children; Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service can provide referrals.

If you feel comfortable doing so, contact the program he is in to let them know about any threatening or potentially threatening behavior.

If you have left him, tell as few family members and friends as possible where you are. If they don't know how to find you, they can't be frightened or manipulated into telling him.

Material used with permission. Adapted from work by the Texas Council on Family Violence, Austin, Texas .