Using the "Grey Rock Method" to deal with a toxic person

So what is the Grey Rock Method? 

It was first mentioned by a blogger named Skylar who wrote an article on 180rule.com. In 2009 after leaving a relationship she poured out her story to a stranger. After she shared he told her that he was a malignant narcissist. He then told her what he did to his girlfriend when he experienced something similar. The idea is that your responses are as exciting as a dull rock. This doesn't attract attention and blends in with your surroundings.

With a toxic person, you are a shiny trinket to them. Like a cat playing with a Christmas, they enjoy batting around those ornaments. With the abuser, you are that ornament! They want what you have. Your tears, your reactions, screams, or when you throw things this gives your abuser fuel. Don't give them what they want that is your energy. They crave your reactions. In a sense, they are addicted to drama and you may notice it seems like an endless cycle of problems or issues with people or make otherwise simple situations escalate into something big.

With the Grey Rock method, you become that rock. You channel boring, non-nonchalant, or canned responses. Now, this may not be a long-term fix for you or your situation.

When possible go “No contact” keep a paper trail, do your correspondence in writing instead of face-to-face. Having a history or documentation of your situation is important.

It may be practical to go no contact. If you have to have contact because children together, or you have a job where there is a toxic person or holiday gatherings with toxic family members try using this method. Let's dive in!

When you do this method you are in going to use responses that are not engaging. You will keep your end of the conversation to being brief and a matter of fact, using a simple- Yes, No, Meh!, Eh?!

Use little to no emotion when responding. Maybe they ask how your weekend went, you can reply, “It was fine”, or if they ask

Don't feed their drama! This can be addictive to them but to you as well!

Don't give out personal details about your life or things going on with you.

Keep it as impersonal as possible.

Keep busy during these interactions. Don't stop what you are doing!

Step back and observe the behavior of your abuser rather than let them push your buttons.

Put emotional distance between you and this person. It can be hard especially if you have deep feelings.

Don't tell the person this is what you are doing.

You may want to pace yourself so they don't catch on Remember this is temporary.

If this is between friends, family, or workplace consider finding an exit strategy that may include physically leaving the situation, holiday gathering, or the relationship.

In a sense, you are manipulating the situation and disconnecting yourself as well as those emotions that you may need to deal with to start healing.

Focusing less on the drama from your relationship and more on yourself so you can learn your triggers and more about your wants and needs.

Avoid bringing up the past! Bringing up past wounds can spark an argument. Don't take the bait!

What is the Yellow Rock Method?

You are using the Grey Rock method but adding; Please, Thank you! Or “Hello!

This person is going to paint you in a bad light. Let it go! Shrug and walk away.

The ultimate answer for this is to leave. This may require lots of thought prayer and planning. If you need help with don't hesitate to message me privately. Know you are not alone on this journey. I'm cheering you on!

Someone out there needs to know they are not alone and that they can survive. Perhaps you are a parent or friend of someone trapped in an abusive relationship and need to know how to help. My goal is to share awareness, offer empowerment, and educate others about emotional traumas and domestic abuse. Here I will share my story and also stories of courage and healing from Survivors, Coaches, to Therapists/Counselors.

You can find my books and my Journals here- https://www.amazon.com/Melinda-Kunst/e/B0788SWSB1

Find me on Facebook here- www.facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone

The Survivors Cafe on Facebook is a private community for women- https://www.facebook.com/groups/724081331311924

Find help and info here- https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.domesticshelters.org/

https://internationalwomenshouse.org/get-help

https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/national-global-organizations

Sexual Assault Hotline- https://www.rainn.org/

National Suicide Prevention- Lifeline-800-273-8255

Sending you lots of love and BIG HUGS! Mel

Did I mention I started a podcast?! I did! Find this here-

Hope when there was none Podcast

Can you really move on? Warning boob shot!

Howdy Dearest Blog reader!

WHAT THE HECK AM I THINKING WITH THAT TITLE?!?

Mr. Awesome and I had a discussion on memories of our youth. We talked about our attributes, so I asked... What would you change on me? YES! I opened that box, can of worms, gates or what-have-you.



He said a perky set would be nice. But of course, not required. He added he wishes certain parts could also be back where they belong. Sorry to be so graphic.

It got me thinking.

These girls have a mothering history:

4 children were nurtured and rested upon them when they were hungry, scared and when they just needed a hug.

On a sour note:

They were pinched hard

Squeezed tirelessly

Smacked

Bitten until they bleed. I swear my nipples would just fall off a few times

They have been pulled until I lost my breath

My girls may not be pretty anymore. They may not be as at attention as they once were but they stand as a reminder that I was able to have them to mother my children and withstand sometimes brutal experiences.

Sometimes scars aren't visible. Sometimes the wounded recess of our brains still fire up with sad memories. Even though, I have clearly moved on, I still have moments from the past that gives me pause. Now, I had thought about this above picture before posting it. I talked to Mr. Awesome several days after our conversation. He back peddled and advised that he wasn't saying I needed to get an enhancement done or anything and that I was just perfect to him.

I told him of my thoughts and that I was thinking of doing a nude picture of me and my breasts. Without batting an eye, he said, "Whatever you want Babe and thank you for asking my opinion first."

So, after about 5 or 6 pictures in various poses, it felt WAY TOO pornish to me. I could even imagine the funky music in my head. UGH! This isn't going to work and I flopped on the bed after putting the girls back in their containment unit. For giggle I took a picture of me laying down and standing up. I showed them to Mr. Awesome and we agreed on this one. I hope not to offend.

The memories from those times are not as intense as they were when I first left my abuser. So, please believe me when I say they will eventually wane and ebb away. It takes time for the freshness of your emotions and the past to go away.

It also takes work! Putting your past away on a shelf is not the best way to get through the pain. Doing so, can spill into your relationships with your family, friends and any new relationships you seek out.

What kind of work do you need to do?

Talk to someone that you trust about your past (Counseling or Therapy) If you kids also consider counseling. My Dear Friend, Lydia, whom I have a previous blog post- See here: Someone I think you should know- Lydia about has been an Angel to lean on. Especially since a lot of our experiences are similar.




Journal/Blog

Dive into hobbies or pick up new ones

Exercise

Meditate

Pray/Find a place of worship

Find a new job

Go back to school

Volunteer

Dance even if someone is looking

Laugh- Put on a Comedienne or funny movie

Binge Netflix

Get a massage

Garden

Take care of YOU!

So, if you see other blogs or books about how the Author is fine and moved on. I am sure they still have to work on shaking the past. It doesn't just go away when you leave out the door. Your ex can be like a bad penny.

Moving on also means:

Change your cell number or get a Tracfone and don't give your ex the number!
Instead, let your ex talk to a friend or family member you trust to relay messages if it's an emergency.

Get rid of your computer or tablet or at least make sure your GPS location is not on. The same goes with your phone. Your ex could very well put tracking programs on your devices.

Change passwords on everything.

Make sure you don't list your whereabouts on social media. Don't make it easy for your ex to find you.

Don't ever be alone with your ex! This is important! Use friends/family or law enforcement for visitations.

Go home different ways. Learn to be situational aware.

Take a self defense course.

Remember you are worthy of love.

When you look at the smiles on my blog, please know that everything is still not peaches and cream. As it is my ex is still cyber stalking me. He still talks to others about me. I'm sure he still carries a torch for me, even though he is married to another.

Gaslighters/Narcissists, don't give up easily. You see, you are like a toy that was misplaced and he/she wants to find you again. In many cases, your ex may still try to harm you even 5+ years later.

What do you do? Can you ever have normalcy? Will there ever be a time when your ex's name doesn't come up in any conversation?

Yes and yes.

Protect yourself Dear One. But don't guard your heart so tightly that you chase real love away.

In closing, remember:

Trust your gut.

Have patience.

Educate yourself with the legal in's and out's of your separation/custody/state laws.

Believe in yourself.

And most of all remember- I believe in you!

Big hugs,
Mel


PS: My book is done! I have asked a dear friend to do a cover photo for me and I am hoping to have it available for sale on Amazon before the year ends. I'm anxious to get it out there. Not really excited, does that make sense?

More news to come about this and more in the next few weeks!

PPS: If you are helping someone trapped in an abusive relationship and don't know quite how to handle it, please call National Domestic Violence Hotline (800)799-7233.
Be patient with your loved one! They maybe terrified of leaving.

Is your life worth more then a toaster?

I have talked with men and women that amaze me. I'm talking I'm floored that out of 10 people 6 stay because they don't want the abuser to get stuff or the house or car, etc. . .

Seriously!?

Is your life worth the toaster? How about your other "things"?

As hard as it is to swallow these things can be REPLACED! YOU can NOT be!

I admit to wonder how terrible a person must be suffering if they are staying in any sort of abusive relationship due to things. I can understand staying for fear, hope that he/she will change or worries over no place to live, or lack of money. But to stay because you don't want that so and so to get the house or the car. What are you thinking?!

Abuse is a serious matter. If you are living in fear. LEAVE with your dignity and LIFE!

Now, if you are staying in an abusive relationship because you are fearful or worried that you can't because of no money or what will everyone think. Consider those victims that have lost they're lives. The most dangerous time is right after you leave. Not to scare you, but the abuser thrives on making a victim continue to be a victim. They don't care about the silverware, they don't care about the kids. Most Gaslighters/Narcs care about them and them alone!

You have to be ready to make the jump, when you know it's time. No one can make you leave. No one can tell you to leave unless your ready. I can and have talked until I have been blue in the face to victims and until they are ready they stay. Something "has" to happen to make the victim say "Enough is enough". Sadly, this can be at the dangerous cost to the lives of the victim or victim's child(ren) or pet.

After you gather your courage to finally leave and not come back or allow him/her to come back. You will cry, get angry at yourself and abuser, or depression. Don't feel bad if you need to reach out for professional help! Do what you can to get yourself help for support or just to vent.

Contact a shelter, clergy person, friend or medical professional to help. Depending on the situation consider strongly contacting the local law enforcement about your plans of leaving or let them know of the situation so they can patrol your area. That is what they are paid to do! You are not bothering them! File police reports! File protective orders for you and your child(ren).

Take EVERY threat seriously. Keep every text, IM, email, VM or letter from your abuser for legal purposes. Leave a paper trail! Make copies and entrust a friend or family member of your situation.
Don't go anywhere alone or without telling someone where you are going.

If you are doing parental visit do so at a public location. Alert the police and ask them to sit or patrol the area. Be safe! You have to be 2 steps ahead of your abuser. Be situational aware at all times. Even if you are just checking the mailbox or walking in a parking lot.

If you have kids with your abuser, please let the school/teachers know what is going on. Bring them copies of Protective orders. Do what you have to do to keep yourself and your children safe! (pets)

Look online for youtube videos on Self defense or find out if your community is offering a class in safety. If you are using pepper spray, gun, stun gun or some other type of item to protect yourself find information on how to properly use the item or you may have to find out if you need to be licensed to carry some protective items.

Remember you are worthy of a safe life! You are not a dumb person nor are you stupid. You can have a great life that is safe. I won't lie about my life. I'm very cautious and have to be. I value the lives of my children and myself.

Stay safe Dear blog reader! If you are being abuse please get help or if you know someone that is being abuse be a shoulder, lift them up so they know they are not alone. Contact local law enforcement or shelters on information to find a safe place or for legal help.

God bless!

Mel

*** What am I doing now? Well, above I saved my pennies and finally got to meet some online friends from MI and one I have not seen in ages (Kristy) I'm in the red! The incredible ladies and famous Nancie, Kristy Robinett, Mary and the Sparkle gals pictured here. It was for the Gypsy Soul Retreat. The next one is in the beginning of 2014. I would like to go again!http://www.gypsysoulretreats.com/

I have recently taken a Reflexology seminar that made me look inwardly and begin to embrace my inner strength. I hope to incorporate this into my Doula business. I'm still doing Antique and vintage sales, hoping to reach out to the public about DV and abuse. Attempting to write my story but I can't seem to get the words on paper. SIGH! I'm still growing in my Christian walk, gardening, crafting, learning about herbs and edibles from the yard for eating and medicinal uses, enjoying chickens, honey bees, guinea fowl, ducks and learning about homesteading. I'm hoping to learn more about energy work as well! Enough about me! Dear blog reader I hope you can someday have a "Happily ever after". . .

Are you positive?!

Recovering from abuse is a super long road.

Days can go by where I feel suddenly overcome with memories and feelings. Still trying to repair my spirit and stay safe where we live. I would love to share so many things about where we are and going's on. But for the sake of safety as many of you understand.






I have been finding joy in so many little things that I never was able to appreciate fully.

Sunrise and set
Going to church
Being late from time to time (I don't make a habit of being late 5 to 10 mins I don't sweat it anymore)
Reading
Relaxing
Lounging
Showering when I want to (I don't have to at night if I don't want to)
I can EAT what I want when I want!
My children
Being happy
Being able to try new and different things without criticism
Decorating how I want to
Having a friend/partner/Help meet
Laughter everyday
Chickens! Love these critters but they aren't pets. They are for food/eggs. I don't dress them up or call them pet names. 
Gardening
There is more but I won't bore you!

I still miss my son terribly. He turned 17 a few weeks back. The girls sent him an e-card and this is the reply was mean spirited. I shared they received a message but did not share with them the content, but that it was negative.

We have not received child support on a regular basis. I heard he is still working for cash. He is well over $5,000 behind but nothing is being done by the court or my attorney. They would rather sweep it under the rug because they don't want to deal with him.

Also, I haven't took the girls back to counseling since June. I was informed by my attorney I could serve jail time or the girls can be taken away from me due to withholding "court ordered" therapeutic counseling. HUH?! I scratched my head... It frustrates me that my ex could get away with hiring someone to kill me, breaking numerous restraining orders, not doing what the court asks and not paying child support but somehow I'm the one that can face jail or lose the girls?! How does this make sense.

I took the girls to counseling for a few sessions. Alex opened up about several memories that were about leaving the bathroom door opened when she showered and how uncomfortable it made her.
Jess was closed mouth this time. She felt jaded for having to go to the mental ward back in June for suicide. She said she entertained the thought but didn't really want to do so.
 
Everyday is a new adventure, no not perfect. To name a few things, I still am unemployed and actively looking (pestering my FB friends to help me). I have a terrible bug bite that looks so nasty right now. I still have back pain and was turned down for disability. My life in the past is surreal, as though it happened to another person. Stay positive! Hard to say and do I know. Finding joy and happiness is what we as humans crave and desire and dare I say if you weren't hugged enough as a child or during your life, it seems one longs for love and closeness. Create the life you crave. (legally of course)

Surround yourself in things that remind you of being strong or empowering you. Create a Vision/Wish board (Inspiration/Prayer board) with old magazine and glue or find pictures on the web that remind you of positive thoughts. Remember you are worth happiness, joy and eventually love with another (worthy of a wonderful person such as yourself!). Pray! Meditate! Listen to positive music. Find positive people to hang with. Get rid of negative thoughts, people or things. I have made many posts on this subject and I hate to sound like a broken record but it is so important in healing! Do things that "You" like to do. Or try something you always wanted to do. Share with loved one's. Kids can do these things too! It can help them in the healing process too!

Giving you big hugs! It's my birthday today so I'm needing to give some time to my hubs and little one right now. Here are several pictures to get you started!

Oh and finally...

Gaslighters handbook

Label your abuser with whatever term fits- Gaslighter, NARC, Psycho, mentally challenged or some random harsher language word. Despite what runs through my head I dare not lower myself to the words he has called me. I decided a long time ago to be a bigger person!

It's hard to leave your abuser. It's even harder to stay in the relationship!

Once you leave or kick him/her to the curb the abuse doesn't magically go away. Your abuser is still abusive. But you do not have to take it! If you still have physical contact in some form due to child arrangements or other random contact, you can leave or ask him/her to leave. If it is phone contact or email you can hang up or ignore the person.

I got to tell you the first time I hung up on my ex, it was empowering! I didn't do it to antagonize him, I did it to save myself further hurt feelings. And I did it because I COULD! My heart raced afterwards and I felt the adrenaline running throughout my whole body. I don't think I actually breathed for what seemed like several minutes after. The answer is yes he called back numerous times but I ignored his calls. That made me giggle! I felt elated! Not in a mean way, but as a feeling that I don't need to take any abuse of any sort from him EVER!

I have chatted with many Victims and Survivors of abuse and the story seems to be the same. The only difference in some stories is whether or not substance abuse in some way was used. Some abusers only hurt you if they are drinking or using drugs. But then again that's the story you tell yourself. I have found that many of the abusers are still in some way Gaslighting and the Victim makes excuses to explain that he/she is having a bad day or just grumpy or mouthy. They only abuse when they use. So the victim waits for the next binge or drink...

Sounds scary to me! I'm not sure which way is more worrisome to me! I worried daily about the "other shoe dropping". I can't imagine the other. No matter, if you find yourself chatting with another person that has been abused it seems as though they share very similar stories that it's spooky! I often make light that my ex must have a long lost sister or brother because they sound so much alike.

They don't actually have a Gaslighter handbook. But it does seem like if there was they would have read from the same book! Remember these things are not in your head. If you once doubt your experiences then you are SANE! You have to know you are not alone! You have to learn that you can survive and be free. You have to know that it's ok to call the police, leave a papertrail! If you have kids teach your children to call police if need be. My daughter called police during a supervised visitation last summer at my ex in-laws after there was a heated exchange between her grandparents, her and my ex.

The years that I was with my ex kind of meld together to the point where I don't recall many things. But, with the PTSD I have times where I am inundated with memories that trouble me deeply. For the last 12 years of my marriage I had pleaded with my ex to "Let me go". I begged him. I told him if I was so worthless why keep me? Why stay married? Then he would just play mind games with me. Afterwards he would confess to love me. Or just be oblivious to the incident as though waking from a dream and not knowing why I was upset or injured (he would almost always say he didn't remember hurting me or the kids and that we made it up).  I have mentioned before how surreal my life seems now compared to years ago. I feel blessed that we survived. We aren't out of the storm due to court ordered supervised Therapeutic counseling, which will make us vulnerable to physical contact with my ex and my son.  I feel safe knowing he does not know where we reside. Though it bugs me that I look over my shoulder and worry about him following me when he sees us. Be aware of your surroundings Dear Blog reader! Let someone know where you are at all times. Tedious but it could save your life...

If you are afraid to leave, that's normal! Confide in a friend or family member. Tell someone you trust. Please check out previous posts on "Leaving your abuser" or "Safety plan". Above all if you feel like you or your children are endanger don't stay! If you can not leave for you please think about your children/pets. Abuse is a cycle that needs to be broken.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Short version of past visitation

I'm so torn between anger, sadness and fear.

I read the short narrative about the Childrens Treehouse events from the previous weekend, that it hit me like a cold splash of water.

As a Mother and Wife I tried to use whatever judgement to keep my family together. I'm not proud of many of my decisions I made. I put my children at risk both before we left and after we left. I feel as though I failed in some ways to protect the little ones' I was blessed to have. I know I can not beat my spirit up about this and through the years some of the intense feelings has simmered. Reading and hearing about the events that unfolded a few weeks ago reminds me of the reasons I left that man. It reminds me that there is still things I can show my kids (girls and someday my son).

Love, trust, faith and friendship.

In some ways I am bewildered by the lack of seriousness our legal land associates know. Imagine my chagrin to have to fill out Parenting time scheduling. I have to consider how to do the Therapeutic Counseling with a man that is stalking us, hired someone to kill me, and is unstable mentally. How does one shield themselves from a mad man? By the same token I am thankful we have not had to give our physical address out. I pray that continues! And I do appreciate all the help and understanding my atty has given. For that I am eternally grateful!

I'd like to think I'm doing all the right things.I have been following all the rules set before me by the court. I have played nice. I have not been a thorn in anyone's side.

How do I continue to keep my kids safe?
How do I save my son from his Dad and himself?
How do I make sure Terry and Mini man stay safe?
How do I break free from someone that wants to keep it alive?

I was given Parenting Time Guidelines to fill out for the next court date. HUH?! I can not trust this man to harm the kids. I can not trust him not to harm me in a visitation exchange process and now I have to work on Week, Weekend and Holiday scheduling?! Seriously? The man has hired someone to kill me, stalked me (still looking for me in old places I frequented) and is still obsessed with getting back together.

My son is possibly to be taken away to a mental (behavioral) facility and the one that really needs a Psych evaluation or to be admitted to a mental facility is STBX! That poor kid is going to dislike me more then he does now and it's not in my hands to make a choice one way or another! My sister has offered to take him but it sounds like the court won't allow for that. I do understand that he needs help but while he is with his dad he won't be able to progress but on the other hand I don't want him in a facility. I don't know how to fix this! 

Normally, when a relationship breaks up, there is crying, some begging and after a time you move on. To deal with someone that is Psychopathic, a NARC, Gaslighter or whatever you want me to call him, is beyond my realm of expertise. I only know that I'm free, happy and loved. I want to keep this feeling. Please keep all of us in your prayers.

*The following is a brief summary of the events that transpired during the girls supervised visit on March 24, 2012. This is not the full transcription of the events but it is detailed enough to get the effect of how intense the visit was.*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Visit ended early by Jessica as she and Dad argue. Jessica has a panic attack after leaving visit. Dad complains throughout visit about Mother and their family issues.
Dad "no one in this county is ready for Melinda". Jessica leaves in ambulance as she to experiencing a panic attack and hyper-ventilating.

Supplement Report

• Jessica & Dad argue
• Jessica "You told me for 2 years- that if the divorce happened it would be all my fault. you put me in that hospital".
• Dad "That's a lie".
• Jessica "No it's not. You sent us both. me & Matthew. He needed to be there".
• Dad "No he didn't. I didn't want you there".
• Jessica "You need to be there. You need a psych eval".
• Dad "I don't know what your game is- what your mothers game is".
• Jessica "My life would be great if you weren't in it".
• Dad "You're repeating exactly what your mother says".
• Jessica "No. She would tell me to be respectful".
• Dad "You don't hurt me".
• Jessica "So now you're a counselor & a psycho".
• Dad "I did nothing to you".
• Jessica "You choked me. That's bullshit".
• Dad "I didn't choke you. I slapped you".
• Jessica "Lie".
• Dad "You went crazy and started attacking Matthew".
• Jessica "All you did what sit on the couch & watch TV all day".
• Jessica "You whipped Matthew with your belt so many times. Mom tried to protect him".
• Dad "All I see is your mother. So it's ok for you to disrespect me".
• Jessica "I'd rather be like her than you".
• Dad "Mom is hurting you by keeping the negativity going".
• Dad "I always tell Matthew to not talk badly about"
• Jessica "Why do you or Matt keep texting Mom in the middle of the night?"
• Jessica "You ruined the first 10 years of my life".
• Dad "Your Mom keeps your away from me. You can argue all you want. It doesn't hurt me".
• Jessica "I hate you with a deep passion. I want to stab you right now- but I won't because I will not stoop to your level. I wish you would leave me alone. I hate you! I don't want to see you!"
• Dad "I'm fighting for custody of you".
• Jessica "I hate you. I thought you changed- but you didn't Stop this visitation shit. I hate you. Get out of my life".
• Alex "Guys your kinda talking loud".
• Dad "You shush!"
• Jessica "NO!" and slams her hands on the table
• Jessica throws her cards at dads face.
• CTH security enters visit
• Dad laughs when Jessica leaves
• Dad "Alex I didn't hurt you. You're my baby".
• Alex cries- Alex asks to leave
• Matt cries. *Mom called to pick up girls 11:23 am

Something positive!

Relearning to be in a relationship with others can be a tough thing to do. When you break free of your abuser you also break free of all the rules that he/she set for you! Now, I'm not saying go live wild, start partying, drinking, having wild sex or doing drugs. I have said this before! Sowing your wild oats after you leave a relationship is normal but remember the consequences:

Your crazy Psychopath/Narc/Gaslighter/Abuser or whatever you call 'em is still out and probably looking for you or for ammo to use against you in court or to turn your friends and family against you.

There are STD's out there!

Mr./Ms. Right that you may meet fresh out of a relationship maybe just as nuts as the person you just left or worse!

Invest in yourself! Give yourself some time to heal! If for some random reason you and your Abuser decide to reconcile PLEASE GIVE IT TIME FIRST!

Don't leave and then a week or 2 or a month later BELIEVE he/she has changed so you give them another chance only to find after a bit you are BACK in the same position you were when you left in the first place! IF you reconcile WAIT! Give it 6 months or a year or 2! Don't give in to his/her pleading or begging. Trust me you will survive without this person.

Give yourself the gift of time apart.
It does hurt!
It does ache!
You do question whether it's the right thing to do!
You wonder if you will be able to afford or survive alone (with or without kids).
You will struggle!
You will second guess yourself.
You will wonder if it was all in your head.
Or it wasn't as bad as you think or friends/family led you to believe.
You will feel bad because you will think he or she will kill themselves. Most Abusers are too chicken to pull this off. Crazy Man had 3 suicide attempts after I left him. Each time he made sure to let someone know what he was doing. He also threatened to do something to harm himself, me and the kids if we left him. (I don't trust him but do believe he doesn't have the balls to kill himself, he is way to into having a pity party for himself then to do this)

After time if your Abuser does change take it slow. On the anniversary of the moment you decide to get back together. Date each other. Don't jump the gun and play man and wife (or whatever) again.

Take it slow.

Personally, I don't believe a person is capable of changing. They are what they are. Small changes, such as cleaning up after one's self or putting the toliet seat down sure but to make a total 180 when they are so used to being a bully? I don't believe it. After 2 years Crazy Man still intends to harm me physically, emotionally and mentally. He says he has changed but if you have read the text message posts you can read he is still unstable. And sadly our son is OK with this...

Struggle, cry, lean on someone to get you through the transition. Don't talk to your Abuser after you leave him/her. Seriously! Save it for court or give yourself some time.

Drop off your children in a public place or meet to talk publicly and don't leave at the same time. Wait for him/her to leave first or ask a friend to go with you.

Do remind your children it's not their fault. Remind your  kids you both love them and you need them to concentrate on being a child. They need to focus on school and not about the rift between Mom and Dad.

Make a wish (vision board) cut out pictures from magazines or surround yourself with things that make you happy. A button, seashell, glitter (my favorite), ribbon, scented candle or whatever makes you smile! (have your kids join in!)

Make a list of 5 things daily that you are thankful for. ~ My favorite psychic/friend has given me many of these tips to use to help me! (Kristy Robinett at www.tangledwishes.com . She is a wonderful lady and a survivor of abuse too!)

Make a list of where you see yourself in 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years! Goes great with using a wish (vision) board.

Create a Bucket List! Places you want to see, things you want to do! I have to revise my own but even the smallest things can go on your list. Bake cookies with kids or for a homeless shelter. Go back to school! Try a new dish or learning a new craft.Going to the city or let your mind go crazy!

Don't forget to say some positive affirmations! When I first left I plastered affirmations all over my bath mirror and kept some in my purse when I needed encouragement.

Go get a haircut/nails done/massage.

Play games or play or read to your kids.

Eat well or better. EXERCISE! Whether it be a walk around the block or mall. Food can be a great comfort but it does nothing positive for you except your waistline! I still struggle with this...

Terry, God bless him, had managed to tell anyone he could about me singing. I was in choir for years, since about 2nd or 3rd grade until I was a Junior in high school. I loved it and had a deam of going to Hollywood of course to sing or dance. But Crazy Man squished that. He said I sounded too nasally and was too short to dance. So I allowed his opinion as a Junior in High school to rule me. I let that dream and many more go because I believed everything that came out of his mouth. Anyway, back to the present... So! I am going to sing in the church choir! I start rehearsing next Sunday. I'm anxious and nervous. It's been so long! I usually just sing when I am doing dishes, shower or when I think no one is around.

Wish me luck!

And no my hair isn't that white. I leaned my head against the wood work I was painting while Mini Man was napping. AGH! I usually get more on me then the whatever I'm painting... Truly for your giggles and enjoyment! SMOOCHES!

When will the madness end?

I'm mulitasking, sitting on my favorite chair, sipping on coffee, watching FOX News (Not the IL news channel), blogging about things that seem surreal that happen in my life. Reminded of memories of a life from almost 3 years ago where I lived stepping on eggshells daily. Never knowing if the day would take a turn for the worse or be a calm one. Even with a calm day you wait for the other shoe to drop and dread something that sets off my Gaslighter (NARC, Psychopath, Abuser, whatever you want to call him they are all appropiate.)

Sunday, I planned on heading to church, I have been lax in going lately and really felt we needed to go. Starting the day as usual above, oh I may get crazy and exercise (last week I took it off working out as my parts still are hurting from the Turkey Run adventure a few weeks back. Sorry rambling...)

STBX begins to text me, they start off nice (Surprise surprise!) Asking how I am doing, do I want to meet for coffee (Oh, yes I really want to put myself in front of the bear!) I did say No, of course that set off a firestorm of messages that I am his and since his GF left him it's my fault and unless she comes back to him I he will come get me! Also to get "Him" out so he can come over. (Him is Terry)

Oh, and he has to drop off his GF first, HUH?

He goes on and on... He hasn't changed. I wonder if the Anger Management classes went well. That is sarcasm. Sounds like the same behavior pattern from before.

Then a string of messages from our Son, which I doubt this, more like Psycho's other personality. I was still worried about many threats in the messages, so, I got A. up, J. was staying at her friends house, I texted Terry to say we were going to my Mom's and called my Sister, Mandy, to tell what was up, she said just go to Mom's (Great minds think alike). 

Terry asked what was going on. I told him R., was at it again. He called me not even 15 seconds later alarmed and knowing that my brain goes to panic mode immediately when I deal with Crazy Man. I was running around like a chicken without a head.

Terry asked if I phone the police and I whined, "No, what does it matter, they aren't going to do anything." He replied, Honey, Honey, calm down. Now what's going on? You know you need to document everytime this *%$#! pulls this kind of *#&%! He is not supposed to be texting or talking to you, per the court. Everything is through his attorney! So, call the police, as to be escorted to your car to be safe and see if you can file a police report.

He was reminding me to calm down, by this time I think he was more worked up then I! See, he is still away for work and can't just be home in a few minutes. I could picture him on the other end of the phone pacing like a Lion! I could hear the worry in his voice, which wasn't calming me down by now. I squashed the panic attack down, as now is not the time to have to deal with that! All the while I am getting dings on my phone about another text message. There ended up being 12 text messages, nasty and mean. One stating M., is going to beat Terry up until he can't walk or see, if he ever see's him. One that says I abused him and another that said, I was the one sleeping around with others and that's how we got diseased. Terry and I talked for a few more minutes and then I did as we discussed.

The police came in no time, I talked to a close person and told her the situation so she can keep an eye on our place if she was around the area. The police showed up while I was speaking to her. He took my statement, and watched as the kids and I piled in the car. On the way I left a message with Crazy Man's attorney, and I later emailed the GAL some alarming emails sent to my Sister, Mandy, later that day. Oh, yes the crazy messages were from time to time throughout the day. Cruel, mean and crazy ramblings. Enough for me not to sleep too well. I am still jumpy!

I stayed away from home almost all day yestreday, my friend called me to tell me she noticed an unmarked squad car sitting in the parking lot for quite sometime, which makes me wonder if they are going to finally take his threats seriously! So when does this end? With me missing or found a hot mess somewhere? Oh I will not go down without a fight this time. But I don't wish it to take that turn. I just want it over. I would love the judge to say, "OK, your divorced!" Then maybe Crazy Man will get the picture. I have no doubt he will be a thorn in my side for a long time. I am counting the years that I have to continue to deal with him! 6 if I'm lucky, longer if they go to college.

Maybe... Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray that we remain safe and for an end to our seemingly never ending divorce. I'm so desparate for closure to the divorce. I do not wish for any harm to anyone. I wish for him to realize I'm not coming back to him ever.

Order of Protection expires soon!

I leave a picture of me from time to time, to remind people I'm like anyone else's Mother, Sister, Daughter, Friend or Wife.

I leave a picture so that everyone will remember what I look like and about my story if something should happen to me.

I leave a picture that someday the court system and legal land will have a record of the craziness my STBX has put me through and continues to do.

I leave my picture so I won't be forgotten...


I talked to a friend and I was informed that STBX had rode a bike around our apartment 4 times last Thursday. She went to get a camera and he didn't show up. He actually paused and stared at our building. Then she heard sounds coming out of our place. Needless to say that I am going to make sure the police escort me in when we return. So he's still stalking me! It's been almost 3 freakin years!

I'm worried that my Order of Protection runs out at the end of this month. Leaving me fair game and open for both my STBX and my son. My son will only do what his Dad tells him to. Case and point when M attacked Terry at Lake County Court house in the fall of 2009. Telling the officers that he was going to kill him but decided to beat him up instead.

A string of emails after the event about killing Terry and me had followed for months after. I have gone to the police repeatedly and nothing seems to happen at all! The only ONE thing that stuck was the phone messages he left on my answering machine. They were demanding and also numerous enough for the Prescutor to file charges. Which lead him to pay court costs and he was ordered to take Anger management classes. He still claims innocent from this even though it was his number and his voice on the machine, which a policer officer heard.

The investigation the local police did on the murder for hire has gone nowhere. My STBX is smug and says all I have is 2 losers that do drugs and since they have a record they aren't credible. I have to wonder if he's right. To bring you to speed again, he offered my nephew and another gentleman $5,000 and a camera to video tape my death/grave after the deed was done.

I am still at a loss.

I received an email that states he and Terry will still have a "meeting". He also is planning on getting custody of my girls since Terry is "dangerous". (HA! I thought that was calling the Kettle black"). In addition to that he is going to sue Terry for having his child and for pain and suffering. He is looking to sue for $25,0000,000. On one hand I laugh at the stupidity of that threat. Where does he have the money to hire so many attorney's? He claims he can't afford the child support he is now paying.

We filed bankruptcy, he lost the house, he had no bills. (I have medical bills of my own and a student loan that has not seen payment due to no job on my part. Not any fault of STBX at all and I'm not saying he has to pay any of that.) He works for cash.

He works for Pine Waterproofing in Northfield, IL as a Union Roofer (Local #11). He has been getting paid cash for years now. He makes what he needs in hours to keep a certain level for health insurance and the rest of the hours he takes for cash. He has seen over $20,000+ in just getting money under the table alone for years. But I can't prove it. Though I witnessed it for the number of years we were together. His boss keeps a stash of cash in his office. It's off the books and for emergencies and so on. Sadly battling the Union to prove the allegations when so many other companies do this would be hard to say the least.

Anyway, I'm nervous to say the least. STBX's Mom is not a safe place to hold our "Supervised visitation". I thought one of my Sister in law's would be there to help but apparently she was at off at a pool because she had a rough work week. I have no issue with that. She works hard. My problem comes when there is a fight, voices where raised.

Neither of my girls want to see STBX again. BUT the court is not going to allow that to happen apparently. They asked the last GAL how come they have to see Dad but he had no answer for them. He noted everything, gave his findings (The girls were to stay with me and STBX was to have charge of our son).Since he relieved himself as GAL, we are at a stalemate. No new GAL's want our case. They review, contact old GAL and find that STBX is a wack job and we can't get a new person. Which again postpones the divorce since STBX wants the girls.

I can't afford another attorney, I have been searching for a Motion for Bifurcation but have not found one I can submit to the court.

I get emails/text messages from STBX that he is "My loving husband". He sent me a couple's horoscope last night.

Daily Flirt:

Something weird is going on with your health -- most likely it's nothing serious, just irritating -- but you can make a simple change that will clear it up much sooner than you think.

Daily Couples:

Are the two of you ready to learn from the past? The stars say making a full and sincere effort to absorb these lessons results in a time of unprecedented sweetness and harmony in your relationship.

What the HECK! Totally creeped out and just want this man to move on. But as I read about this Gaslighter, Psychopath, Narcisiss, Abuser or whatever you want to call him, he won't let go easy. He is dating other women but yet he won't leave me alone. I want to move so badly, but every stinking time the place falls through or they aren't renting now or so other reason. I'm sad and admit to be stressed out. I'm dizzy again and I've gotten belly aches and twitches again on my face from time to time. Nightmares are back as well.

I may ask my sister to stay with me or something. I'm not sure. Living life as usual but looking over my shoulder.

Keep us in your prayers...

Update on the seemingly never ending divorce

Well! Our newest GAL has declined, our last GAL that we never talked to declined because she knows Terry. Understandble! The new GAL is having a baby soon and she did not believe she can devote as much attention as she could because of her condition. So she is declining.

I'm at a loss of words for this situation, but I know there are many divorces that take time. I'm so impatient! I want it to end! I dislike seeing STBX writing words of love and tenderness. As well as his now infamous signing of "Your loving husband" in his notes. Or "Melinda my love" as his email addy states.

I have repeatedly told him we are over but he continues to live in the realm of fantasy, where I am coming back to him. Of course this is once I get my head out of my ass and come to my senses. He is willing to forgive me as well as taking the baby as his own. The man is sick! He then will write or say how stupid I am or some other mean, hateful words to further try to get his point across that he is a changed man. Ah! But this is the Gaslighter, Narcissis, Psychopath, Borderline personality disorder, Intermittent Explosive disorder, Abuser or whatever you want to call him.

My Order of Protection is up at the end of August. Call me paranoid or just worried but I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. I'm not thrilled by the idea that someday the girls will have no supervision with visits.

I wish I could find help on the divorce. But lack of money and once Atty's find out about crazy man, I get no thank you's. SIGH!

I look back at old posts are realize we have all come so far! I wish my son would have stayed. I believe that his seizures and other health issues are because of  the anxiety of living with that man. He gets the brunt of his Dad with no one to help him stay safe. I can't say for sure but that is my feeling. I do wish for a time when we can all reacquaint and come to be a Son and Mother relationship again. I know that is sometime down the road but I hold out hope and faith for that time.