Note to the GAL

Enter in an interesting chapter in our divorce. As we emotionally bounced back and forth in the courtroom decisions, the appointment of counselors and a Guardian ad Litem, proved to be interesting, my then sister-in-law was also kind enough to write some insight that she shared openly with the Guardian ad Litem in 2011 as follows:

Jose,

My name is LaVern. I am the sister of Will and the Aunt of Nathan, Miranda and Zoe. Many months ago I was asked to contact you on the behalf of the children, but all of my attempts went unanswered. I figured that meant you didn't need my input. Well, I have just heard that you are siding with Will in this matter and was forced to write to you, whether or not you want to read it.

Where shall I start?

Will is four years younger than I am and nine years younger that my sister. When did I learn that there was something wrong with him? 

One day we were rough playing in the back yard as children will. He was no more than 5. I usually let him win at most everything, but that day he landed flat on his back and got the wind knocked out of him. His eyes got big as he was clearly terrified. When he could breathe again he told me that if I ever did anything like that to him again, they would never find my body. Yes, I said he was 5. That was when it all started. Perhaps sooner, but being just a kid, maybe

I didn't see it before that.

A short time later, when Will started going to school for the whole day, our mother got a job. As a result, we were left alone at home in the afternoons until our dad came home. (He was a tradesman and started very early and as a result was home first.) That hour or so became the most horrific time in my life. Especially once he started to get bigger than me. For years he would torment me. It was verbal at first, but the bigger he got, the bolder he got. 

Soon the violence began. His favorite trick was to take something that he knew I held dear and throw it out into the three feet of snow in the front yard. As soon as I ran out after it, he would lock me out. No shoes, no coat. Luckily for me we had a VERY nice elderly couple for neighbors and she always let me stay with her.

Where was our sister in all of this? Well she was older. She got a job downtown as part of a work study program when she was 16 (that makes me 11 and Will 7). After that she was never really around.

I don't know if you have any siblings, but I loved my brother and hated him at the same time. That ended the day he escalated to weapons. When I came out of my room before our parents were home, he chased me around the house with knives. Big sharp ones. That was the day I stopped being conflicted.

Where were our parents?

They didn't believe me. Until some years later when he got bolder. My Grandmother lived with us for a time and he even got brazen enough to hit on her! Once I remember my Dad chasing him because he deserves a good smack. Don't think he caught him though. Mom still didn't really believe. Now a days she says she believes, but he is always going to be her little baby boy.

When he learned to drive, he would go around terrorizing the neighborhood. One day, someone had just gotten a new appliance so the giant box was sitting on the curb for trash day. He plowed right into it deliberately. He did not know that the homeowner had put the old appliance in the box and it became a several hundred pound projectile and nearly killed the kid playing in his own yard.

Will thought that was hysterically funny. So my parents took his car away and hid it on him. Then out came the Hyde in him. Swearing, threatening, destroying, hitting, and on and on. One time he was so bad, that I had to call my Uncle (federal special agent) to come over. Will was pretty big at the time, but he got put down and cuffed by his own uncle!

Now Will could turn on the charm better than any psychopath ever. He got himself a young girlfriend who wanted out of her own bad situation. When exactly he began to show her the other side I do not know. But I know what followed. Verbal and physical abuse to his wife and then eventually to the children. Before they were married, my mother, sister and I all sat Melinda down and tried to tell her what he was like. In the end, she said that she understood, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Now ask her about that day and she has a very different opinion.

For the details on what happened in his house to his family, you should talk to Melinda. But I can hit some of the highlights over the years.

He felt a transit bus cut him off in traffic so he came screaming around and cut the bus off so that it had to stop and then he got out with a hammer or tire iron or something like that, and smashed in the door of the bus while screaming at the driver and ordering him to come out so he could beat him up. Luckily the cops were able to take him away first.

That was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to his seething rage.

Will has always felt that he was entitled to anything he wanted and the world and everyone in it owes him something. After he got married, they stayed with my parents for quite a while because he had made my parents give him the down payment on a house. He then tore the house to pieces and practically gutted the entire thing.

God only know how much my parents had to pay to get it back into a livable condition. (More on his intense love for destruction, especially of houses, later if you would like to know.)

He would also break into my parents’ house any time he wanted and steal tools from my Dad and food and whatever else he decided was his. So much so that when my parents finally got up the nerve to say something about it, he did this great "You never loved me or wanted me to have anything" episode where he brought back to them so much stuff that he had stolen that it filled one side of a two car garage. And he did that so that they would then have to move everything before they could park there. That was a pretty big project for them at the time as they were getting on a bit. Please feel free to have a chat with my parents about any and all of this. 

But I digress...

For years Melinda had tried to get up the courage to take the kids and leave him to stop all of the insanity, but it took her a while. When she finally did, my parents and I were VERY supportive of her. We helped her all we could. Unfortunately she ended up going back that first time.

In order to coax her into returning, Will checked himself into a psychiatric facility for evaluation. After a few days, they called me to discuss his condition.

They said that Will had told them to talk to me because I don't take or give any bullshit. I found that strange, but while I was talking to them I asked if they knew that everything he said was calculated to some end of his own devices.

They told me that he wasn't fooling them even a little bit because they were experts on people that only say what they think the doctors want to hear. I then asked if it would be alright for them to tell me with what they had diagnosed him.

They said sure, I was immediate family and she started rattling off a list of disorders, syndromes and tendencies so long that I couldn't keep up when writing them down. After the first 5 or so I just listened with my mouth hanging open. You should try to get a look at those records.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention the religious fanaticism he apparently "found" while he was in the hospital. Suddenly he starts rambling on how God is now talking to him directly and telling him what to do and what will happen. He took to typing out dozens of pages of ranting with religion, profanity and rage all rolled up into one. I have a copy of some of them if you would like to see them.

When he left that facility, it was with a prescription for meds to help with his manic - depression and bi-polar diagnoses. He took the pills for a little while and then stopped because they interfered with his ability to have sex three times a day. Soon everything was back to as bad as ever.

After some time, she tried to leave with the kids again. Well, let's just say that the third time was the one that stuck. She had all three kids and they were very relieved to be away from him and everything he put them through on a daily basis.

Now came summer vacation and she took the kids back to his house during the days when she worked because there were other kids and a yard there. She came for them at night to take them home. That clearly indicated to us that reasonable custody/visitation schedule could be reached.

Will took this opportunity to do as much damage and brain washing as he could. Zoe is young and everyone who knows her will tell you that she is in her own little world, but it is OK because they know her there. Miranda sees the unvarnished world through the skeptical eyes of a middle child. She has always been very aware of everything that goes on around her and is forever trying to keep the peace. But then there is Nathan.

Nathan has spent his whole life wanting just one thing. To make his father love him. He spent years trying to figure out some way into Will's heart and all he ever got was shot down. Perhaps an example...Nathan had some good news to tell his father. I don't remember if it was a good grade or something else, but everyone was there including my parents and I when Will came home. Nathan was called downstairs to tell his good news in front of us all. So, beaming, he told him. Then he goes to have a hug with his father and Will smacks him on the behind and yells at him because he stinks. And he wanted to know why Nathan had forgotten to put his deodorant on that day. And why doesn't he do what his father told him to do.

The boy was crushed and mortified. After all, he had just started wearing deodorant and had probably forgotten in all of the excitement.  And as of that moment, he started to change. He took the “who gives a crap” attitude because he had to in self-defense. 

Soon after that he started fighting at school.

When Will started the deliberate brainwashing began on Nathan, all he had to do was pay him some attention and reward the desired behavior. Soon he had convinced Nathan that his mother was the one responsible for destroying the family and that she was just evil and God wanted her destroyed. He told him he would be doing God's work if he stabbed his mother in her sleep one night. It was around then that Rob requested a letter from a judge stating that if Nathan ended up having to kill his mother that he couldn't be held responsible.

I can only imagine that his lawyer at the time discouraged it. 

Shortly thereafter, Nathan started a fire in the apartment in which he and his sisters and mother were living. I believe the intention was to get them kicked out so they would have no choice but to go back home to Dad. Let's not forget the day that his backpack was searched and they found knives. I don't know if they were the same kind his father used to use on me, but I do know there was more than one.

Let me take this moment to insert Terry into the picture. I believe that Melinda's meeting Terry was the thing that gave her the courage to finally leave Will for good.

Just to be clear, Terry did not enter the picture until after Melinda's first two attempts to get away. Nevertheless, Will jumped right onto the "this is the guy who broke up our family" mode with Nathan. He trained Nathan to hate him. You will hear some fabricated story about how Terry is a child abuser or the likes. This all stems from the day that Nathan pulled a knife on his mother while Terry was in the room. Terry proceeded to push him away from her and take the knife.

The fact that Will thinks that is child abuse may be why he does not recognize all of the abuse he perpetrated upon his own kids. It was decided that since Nathan was trying to kill his mother, that he should go back to live with his father. I understand the necessity of the move, but fear it was that event that has undone Nathan for good. A short time later, Nathan sucker punched Terry in the lobby of the county courthouse. The guards were witnesses.

Melinda had tried from the beginning to get Will to let her go, but he would not and will not have any of it. You see, Will is entitled to anything he wants and God will ensure that he gets everything that he is supposed to. She has asked him for child support and to be left alone. He is not interested. God has told him that once she is done making her mistakes she will be back and all will be as it was. He has refused for more than a year to simply let her go.

I am sure you can get a list of the lawyers that have represented Will throughout this process. They will all tell you that he is nuts and that is ultimately why they no longer represent him. He is totally self-centered and extremely pompous. He goes around threatening Melinda, Terry, Mom, Dad, me and Melinda's lawyer with how he is going to go to court and get a court order for this or against that.

My favorite one was when he told my parents that they are not allowed to talk to Melinda anymore and he is going to get an order of protection so she can't talk to them nor them to her. He is a huge blowhard that tries to use the system to threaten others into doing what he wants.

He cannot even create the thought in his head that his kids are more important than he is in this matter. There is nothing in this world that he cannot and does not control. He is severely mentally ill and delusional. He has written of lengthy conversations he has had with angels and God. She just wants him to leave her alone.

I'll even give you a perfect example of how he plays the system. He works in the trades as a waterproofer/roofer. My father worked in the trades all his life and I am well aware of the income brought in by side jobs and under the table overtime. It is how many families make ends meet. For some reason, his boss trusts him and has helped him out over the years. I would imagine Will is too smart to show him the other side.

Many months ago he stopped working. Actually he stopped working on the books. He was taking the vast majority of his pay under the table so that it would go unreported. He stopped making the mortgage payments and lost the house. According to him, he "wasn't going to spend any more money on something that she could get half of." So he lived rent free until the bank kicked them out. What would you do with almost a year of mortgage payments in your pocket? Melinda didn't want the house and was happy to sign it over to him. But he doesn't take chances. At the time they took the house he had ripped apart the girls’ bedroom to fix a supposed leak from the laundry room below.

At last viewing, it was still torn apart. He is now renting a house and making plans to start improvements (which means tear it apart.) My sister's basement is still without walls or insulation and he tore that out years ago. He makes big plans and does not know the meaning of the word moderation. He requires instant gratification in all things.

He doesn't like me around much because I am the only one alive who is not afraid of him. I have always been able to see the actual motives behind everything he does and I do not take his bullshit. I have called the police on him before and have no fear of doing it again.

My parents are old and can't handle the amount of grief he puts someone through when he doesn't get what he wants. My mother was nice enough to allow the kids to have visitation at her house. Each and every time, Will waltzes in like he is part of the kid’s time together.

They let him.

One day he got Miranda in a bear hug and he's whispering into her ear. Now I know from history that he is telling her not to worry and he will have them all back very soon. I told him that he is not allowed to isolate and whisper to the girls. 

At which point he begins threatening me with court orders, etc. He was asked to leave and refused. So I told the girls we were leaving. He didn't like that one little bit. No one can control something of his! And another time I actually did call 911 to have him removed. He left moments before the 9 Crown Point police officers arrived. They searched the neighborhood to make sure he wasn't coming back and went by his house to see if he was there. Now he is known to police in South Holland, Dolton, Lansing, Griffith and Crown Point.

Nathan, I regret to say, has not had an original thought or spoken his own words for many months. He is a full blown puppet of my brother and is being encouraged to commit violent crimes. I lost count of the number of times that he has been suspended from school. He will fight at the drop of a hat. He has learned all sorts of obscene language and uses it regularly. 

We all fear that it is too late to get him back. So much so that there have been discussions about who could possibly take Nathan, just to get him away from Will. Even my Aunt and Uncle (retired federal special agent) have thought about taking him. Nathan is allergic to cats and I have two that are my babies, but if he needs to come live here to get away from his father then I will find other homes for them.

Nathan is showing the same signs of mental illness that his father and his grandfather did. Unfortunately, he will not get the help he needs because Will refuses to admit that there is something wrong with himself, much less his son.

I implore you to not only keep the girls away from him, but get Will away from him too before it is too late. I think at this point, even Will going into the foster system for some time would be better than staying with his crazy father who refuses to take the meds that make him lucid and rational.

LaVern

I left now what?!

So you maybe thinking, "I took a leap and now what Mel?"

The path you are going on is going to be hard. There will be tears, screaming, and total shaking of your head at times. You may not believe how the legal system is treating you and you could feel like the one at fault. Though the process stinks from time to time, if you follow the rules, listen to your attorney or authorities you can make it through this.

Ever hear the statement- "CYA! Cover Your Ass!" Sorry to be blunt. Everything you can do to leave a paper trail, legally the better!

I encourage your to learn as much as you can about the laws for your location. This is not very interesting information but arming yourself about the In's and Out's of the legal system can help you immensely! A judge can see you as more professional which is something that can work to your advantage.

If you have any engagement with an attorney, police or Judge, try to remain calm. Don't give out too much information, such as, they are not going to care if you were running a marathon wearing pink lipstick or if you were trying to read a book. They want to know just the facts of what the matter is.

Keep a journal of any incidents of threatening texts/emails/voice mails/visits. These can be used as evidence of a poor behavior. Hold onto this information for as long as your case is going through and maybe even a year or two after that.

Ditch anything that your ex could possibly have bugged if possible or go through the item with a fine toothed comb. Spy ware, GPS, or a Lo-jack sort of system is just a small bit of technology your abuser can use to hunt you down or further harm you.

If you are leaving the area where you reside to get to safety I encourage you to find out what laws may make you come back or charge you with jail time. Again, sometimes the legal system can make you the bad guy. Stories are splashed on the news of victims jailed because they fled with children into a different state line.

Get a new bank account, change your passwords online, screen your calls and friends on social media. Don't answer the phone for your abuser or call back right away unless it is a "REAL" emergency! One of the happiest moments after leaving my ex, was that I wasn't at his beck and call anymore and I didn't have to answer his call or messages right away. I could wait a day or longer if I really needed to reply at all! There was a point where I informed him to only contact me if emergency otherwise email me. Soon after I was able to get a Order of Protection due to harassment and went through my attorney and a family member for emergencies. I got to tell you how nice this was/is!

Make sure you let a trusted family member or friend know your whereabouts! Make sure you are situationally aware of your surroundings. Trust your guts! Also if there is a visitation please make sure you do the visitation in a public setting or depending on the situation (if violent or disruption issues)ask to have visitations to be hosted at a specialized setting set by the court. These facilities are considered supervised and will have security for you and your family. There is a time limit given for families to visit. Ask your legal professional about this! Also consider asking for a GAL-Guardian ad Litem to assist if needed in children if they are distressed about past or with current situation with your ex. A GAL is an advocate for your child/ren and will help your child work through the issues with your ex.

Now, you maybe thinking, you have heard all this from me before. DUH! Well, sometimes we need reminding. This crazy roller coaster can make you loopy and frustrated! I'm here to let you know that I understand the madness of what you are going through.

If you haven't already done so and need a place to go to stay, call local shelters for help on counseling, legal services, or housing. Especially if you need a place to stay for yourself and children. You may need to tuck your pride aside and just call. These homes are guarded, secure and the folks that work or volunteer here are trained and professional. When I first left my ex in 2007, we were treated with kindness, compassion as well as with clothing and toiletries! That first time all we had was the clothes on our back! There are single women that go here to. Now for males with violent situations this is harder to find but there are services you can utilize as well. Please call your local shelter to inquire.

Now is the time to reclaim yourself! Get back your life! Kick any bad habits! Learn to love yourself and find you again!

You may feel devastated or confused about what the next day is going to bring for to you. I have to let you know that thinking about my future is what drove me to starting again. Knowing I can do what comes my way and that the good Lord is my driving force is what helps me!

After a few days or weeks after leaving you and your child/ren could experience, nightmares, panic attacks, anxieties, medical conditions out of the blue, irrational behavior, mood swings, school work can suffer and depression to name a few things. 

Wait? What?! These may even manifest months or years later. Be mindful to journal or keep a calendar of these challenges and share with your advocate/legal professional/counselor.

Speaking of Counseling. I found counselling didn't work for me, as I found myself feeling worse or more stressed out than when I arrived, this may not be the norm but I did see at least 5 different counselors/therapists. I didn't do well on anti-depressants as they made me eat alot and suicidal. So where did that leave me?

I am on a journey to find what works for me and my children and you have to find what works for you and I am not condoning modern medicine or therapy or shaking my finger at you as this is your journey, find what works for you! This road has led me to:

Reading my Bible

Blogging

Journal

Going to a drumming circle

Using essential oils- Feeling therapy- a shameless plug for YL Oils, I am a distributor

Smudging my home, myself and family

Creating a Bucket List

Positive affirmations

Meditation- This is something that is hard for me to focus as my mind is going 50 miles a minute!
Recently Yoga- Now I wish I look this graceful. I actually don't bend well, and teeter over like a Weeble (showing my age)

I also do things I have always enjoyed: Garage/Yard sales, crafting, antiquing, public speaking engagements-Most are craft/Reflexology/Antique related. I have also learned how to raise chickens, ducks, guinea fowl, rabbits and bees! 

I even went to school again for Medical Assisting- I have the degree but have yet- 4 years later to find a job in that profession (GRRFACE!) I still have the student loan to pay back go figure! These are just a few things that are helping me to find "ME". Sounds strange doesn't it? 

Like, what? were you lost? 

Yes I was for a very long time. I lost my moxie, spunk and zest for life. I lived my life but didn't really live it. I got by. Like a zombie. I got used to just surviving the moment. Not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, not wanting to cause or start an argument, rolling over when things get tough. Not finding my voice when I am in an uncomfortable situation or just agreeing with something or someone when I really don't want to.  

All of these things take time to learn and do. It isn't happening over night. If I could have asked God to take it all away, I wouldn't. The experiences have made me stronger. Now as for forgiveness for what my abuser did to me, I forgave him awhile back, but with the molesting of my daughter, that I am having a hard time with.  I am being honest about that. I go back and forth about this, knowing Biblical I need to forgive, I'm just not ready yet. 

I hope these have helped you! Thanks for listening to me ramble on.

Also please refer to my other blog posts on similar topics. 

Stay safe and God bless!

Mel

Short version of past visitation

I'm so torn between anger, sadness and fear.

I read the short narrative about the Childrens Treehouse events from the previous weekend, that it hit me like a cold splash of water.

As a Mother and Wife I tried to use whatever judgement to keep my family together. I'm not proud of many of my decisions I made. I put my children at risk both before we left and after we left. I feel as though I failed in some ways to protect the little ones' I was blessed to have. I know I can not beat my spirit up about this and through the years some of the intense feelings has simmered. Reading and hearing about the events that unfolded a few weeks ago reminds me of the reasons I left that man. It reminds me that there is still things I can show my kids (girls and someday my son).

Love, trust, faith and friendship.

In some ways I am bewildered by the lack of seriousness our legal land associates know. Imagine my chagrin to have to fill out Parenting time scheduling. I have to consider how to do the Therapeutic Counseling with a man that is stalking us, hired someone to kill me, and is unstable mentally. How does one shield themselves from a mad man? By the same token I am thankful we have not had to give our physical address out. I pray that continues! And I do appreciate all the help and understanding my atty has given. For that I am eternally grateful!

I'd like to think I'm doing all the right things.I have been following all the rules set before me by the court. I have played nice. I have not been a thorn in anyone's side.

How do I continue to keep my kids safe?
How do I save my son from his Dad and himself?
How do I make sure Terry and Mini man stay safe?
How do I break free from someone that wants to keep it alive?

I was given Parenting Time Guidelines to fill out for the next court date. HUH?! I can not trust this man to harm the kids. I can not trust him not to harm me in a visitation exchange process and now I have to work on Week, Weekend and Holiday scheduling?! Seriously? The man has hired someone to kill me, stalked me (still looking for me in old places I frequented) and is still obsessed with getting back together.

My son is possibly to be taken away to a mental (behavioral) facility and the one that really needs a Psych evaluation or to be admitted to a mental facility is STBX! That poor kid is going to dislike me more then he does now and it's not in my hands to make a choice one way or another! My sister has offered to take him but it sounds like the court won't allow for that. I do understand that he needs help but while he is with his dad he won't be able to progress but on the other hand I don't want him in a facility. I don't know how to fix this! 

Normally, when a relationship breaks up, there is crying, some begging and after a time you move on. To deal with someone that is Psychopathic, a NARC, Gaslighter or whatever you want me to call him, is beyond my realm of expertise. I only know that I'm free, happy and loved. I want to keep this feeling. Please keep all of us in your prayers.

*The following is a brief summary of the events that transpired during the girls supervised visit on March 24, 2012. This is not the full transcription of the events but it is detailed enough to get the effect of how intense the visit was.*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Visit ended early by Jessica as she and Dad argue. Jessica has a panic attack after leaving visit. Dad complains throughout visit about Mother and their family issues.
Dad "no one in this county is ready for Melinda". Jessica leaves in ambulance as she to experiencing a panic attack and hyper-ventilating.

Supplement Report

• Jessica & Dad argue
• Jessica "You told me for 2 years- that if the divorce happened it would be all my fault. you put me in that hospital".
• Dad "That's a lie".
• Jessica "No it's not. You sent us both. me & Matthew. He needed to be there".
• Dad "No he didn't. I didn't want you there".
• Jessica "You need to be there. You need a psych eval".
• Dad "I don't know what your game is- what your mothers game is".
• Jessica "My life would be great if you weren't in it".
• Dad "You're repeating exactly what your mother says".
• Jessica "No. She would tell me to be respectful".
• Dad "You don't hurt me".
• Jessica "So now you're a counselor & a psycho".
• Dad "I did nothing to you".
• Jessica "You choked me. That's bullshit".
• Dad "I didn't choke you. I slapped you".
• Jessica "Lie".
• Dad "You went crazy and started attacking Matthew".
• Jessica "All you did what sit on the couch & watch TV all day".
• Jessica "You whipped Matthew with your belt so many times. Mom tried to protect him".
• Dad "All I see is your mother. So it's ok for you to disrespect me".
• Jessica "I'd rather be like her than you".
• Dad "Mom is hurting you by keeping the negativity going".
• Dad "I always tell Matthew to not talk badly about"
• Jessica "Why do you or Matt keep texting Mom in the middle of the night?"
• Jessica "You ruined the first 10 years of my life".
• Dad "Your Mom keeps your away from me. You can argue all you want. It doesn't hurt me".
• Jessica "I hate you with a deep passion. I want to stab you right now- but I won't because I will not stoop to your level. I wish you would leave me alone. I hate you! I don't want to see you!"
• Dad "I'm fighting for custody of you".
• Jessica "I hate you. I thought you changed- but you didn't Stop this visitation shit. I hate you. Get out of my life".
• Alex "Guys your kinda talking loud".
• Dad "You shush!"
• Jessica "NO!" and slams her hands on the table
• Jessica throws her cards at dads face.
• CTH security enters visit
• Dad laughs when Jessica leaves
• Dad "Alex I didn't hurt you. You're my baby".
• Alex cries- Alex asks to leave
• Matt cries. *Mom called to pick up girls 11:23 am

Final hearing!

WOW! I'm speechless.

Court was interesting. I, of course still had knocking knees and my stomach was tied in knots. Our 15 minute Status Hearing went well over an hour. Not too much sorted out. Small talk. The GAL made a brief summary of her findings. And it was decided that we are to do Therapeutic Counseling. The girls with Rob and a Psychologist, also my son and I have our own session.

If our son does not show improvement he may be removed from STBX's custody. Placement could be in a group home or my Sister has offered to take him in. I would rather he grow from the therapy and the above options be mute. We talked about Discovery and assets briefly. And the judge set us for trial on June 26th.

It sounds like the attorneys would like to get things squared away before that time. I can only hope someone presses a Psych. Evaluation for STBX. The whole thing makes no sense to me... STBX will not be cured in a few sessions. I am happy to know that there will be no more court after June. But upset that it does not seem that we are anyway out of the woods regarding our safety and what happens when the court officials go away.

There was also some talk about pulling STBX's parental rights to see the girls at all. I am would rather them not see him. He is not going to get better. In over 19 years of marriage you can not fix the mental stability of this man.

I am happy that the topic of our address never came up! WAHOO! But weary because I found a fishy looking website looking at my blog (mspy.com) not sure if STBX is trying to figure out where we are going this route. There was more banter and comments back and forth. But we are safe for now. Please pray for our son. I pray for his well being and safety.

I feel worn out and tired. My sister is over now and I'm thinking of hitting the sack for a few right now. Thanks for listening and the prayers, as well as the warm wishes.

BIG HUGS!

Mel

 (Pick of the Magnolia tree in bloom! Love it!)

Thankful but falling apart

Happy Thanksgiving! Oh there is so much to say but I can't right now.

I can't help but feel as though I am falling apart at the seams. Even years later I can not handle any kind of confrontation without feeling as though I am a failure, stupid or an idiot. Small critisms cave my spirit in so much that I have been a bundle of tears and confusion lately. So much so I  even had a small thought in my head just to end it all for me. This is not the first time I have entertained these thoughts over the years, knowing well enough that my beliefs of it being a sin are so strong. Yet, I have felt so defeated and tired of it all.

I pause and look at my kids. That brings me back to reality.

If I did something foolish they would go back to Crazy Man. Of course the baby would stay with Terry, but the girls...

Then I think about how selfish I'm being. Poor me! Poor me! Buck up Girl, you have come this far!

I had many people in the past and present mention they were envious of me or jealous.

I scratch my head and wonder why?

My past life in my roller coaster of a marriage was marked with havoc and secrets. A false smile plastered on my face when Crazy Man was around. Pretending to love the man whom over the years I had secretly despised. Hating to go home. Not knowing what would be around the corner when I got home or while I was sleeping would he choke me or smother me with his pillow.

Our private life was a mess.

The life presently has been much better by leaps and bounds yet there is still quite a bit of drama ranging from death threats, continued stalking and harassment via text, emails or on an occassion a phone call.

I feel defeated in so many ways. I had a fantasy that once I left him all would well. We wouldn't see him again.

Fantasy can be nice, but the reality of the matter is he will continue to be a thorn in my side for a long time. His continued obession with me coming back to him is even crazier then my fantasy of never seeing him again.

The nightmares, panic attacks, bouts of crying are all things that still haunt me. A past I can't seem to shake and that it's claws dug pretty deep with no intentions of departing from my memories anytime soon.

I have issues with my older daughter. She is so much like her dad that it's scary. I've discussed this with the new GAL and hope to glean more tactics on nipping that in the bud!

I can't understand why anyone would be jealous or envious of my life or me.

Update on the circus of my divorce

I received a letter in the mail.

The GAL on the case is going on vacation and will not be back until after Thanksgiving, so STBX's attorney wrote a letter regarding this and that he will ask for a continuance.

Well! I haven't went to the Dentist. I am still covered by his health insurance until we are finalized. I know the first thing many I have encountered when they hear that is to get everything under the sun tucked, nipped and nicked.

I have done one thing I wanted to do for the longest time... I went under the knife for bladder surgery. After then 3 kids, my bladder was so very weak I wet myself when I sneezed, laughed and coughed.Pitiful! So I got the surgery! LOVE my sling! Everything else I did was just routine checkups.

I so want to be free of him.
Calling me his wife or my loving husband

After almost 3 years get a life

I hate the feeling of fear

I am getting better.

I see the effects of the past abuse with the girls. The behavior and how they perceive the world around them is so different between the two of them and just makes me feel mad as well as happy with the choice I made to leave the madness.

I have a confession. I have been feeling so nervous and worried. Oh, I know what is unusual about that? Or what else is new?

I pee'd my pants during a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. It was about STBX and so real that I pee'd my pants in my dream and in real life. I woke up in a panic, my heart racing, sweaty and embarassed that I had to wake up Terry to announce my accident.

When does it end? When can I look at some random item and not STILL break into tears or stepback in victim mode? Breaking free of the years of programming to find myself. To be someone the girls can look back to and not remember a quivering mess of snot or panic when "he" is around or called?

Since the Protective Order has been lifted the neighbor says she see's "him" around more often. I got a call from "him" on Saturday while I was out with girls. I know it was him. No one spoke on the other line they just listened. The call came from his Mom's house and he is working on the basement. (Yes, he has been "working" on it for more then several months). He is a terrible procrastinator and in usual fashion he is taking his time. Hell's bell's if anyone ticks him off during this time because he will walk off, leaving it undone. Example is his older sister's basement in which he almost completed after too many months and then something set him off and he left them high and dry, not returning to finish.

GOSH! I'm super happy we are not living there anymore! BIG CHEESY SMILE!

I received the paperwork for the Supervised visit info and intake forms. The cost is $45.00 per hour! It can be on a sliding scale if need be and since magically his income went down over $20,000.00 in less then a year. I am sure he will be able to work out something. The visits are set up for 5 hours. The next court date is quickly approaching, no word from the GAL and of course no visitation set up yet. So I'm guessing yet another set back in the seemingly never ending divorce.

I'm so frustrated and want to throw the covers over my head, staying in bed and not leaving the house. Getting going seems to take me awhile, I'm more forgetful then ever, oh, it's little things! Forgetting things for groceries, sadly I forgot to wish my Dad Happy Birthday months ago! I forget conversations that happened 10 mins after I have had them! Age? I'm not sure but frustrated. Feeling terribly whiny and unable to just function. My exercise is on the back burner. No job prospects. Hoping to find something I can do out of the house. Maybe clean houses? Something I can do and take Mini Man with me or something I can take him with that has childcare not far away or expensive.

My Student loan is mocking me, growing in interest monthly and no nibbles. I went to an interview at a Chiropractor's office and felt really good about it. I can do the job! I swear it had my name on it! But apparently so did over 15 or 20 other people. SIGH! Hoping the Doula services would come into play soon. I have a ache and itch in my heart, knowing that something is around the corner, that I am meant to do something helpful. Even this blog has been a great thing for me, to know that other's know they are not alone in the fight to keep surviving, not only in day to day but in legal land as well.

I'm not perfect
I'm learning new things daily
I stumble often
I question myself way too much and fail to keep leaning on the Lord
I question Him (God) about my path
I don't open up enough to my loved ones
I hate confrontation
I hate fighting
I hate swearing (A nasty habit that I try not to use. I end up saying "Oh Sugar!" or "Son of a Building Block" it's all the same, still swearing! LOL!)
I am human
Many times I force a smile when I don't really want to smile at all
I try to treat others as I like to be treated
The girls and I do not have a perfect relationship (J and the rest of us frequently butt heads. She is need of definate counseling and I can't put it off anymore. She is also 13 and knows it all! I was never 13 and can't know anything of being that age and she is 13 going on 30)

I can see why many victims and survivors turn to drugs and alcohol! I don't drink often and usually split a bottle of wine with Terry during our dinner meal. More then 3 glasses and I'm giggling like crazy! I don't do more then 4 or 5 otherwise I get a "hot" feeling and I don't like that. So I have never gotten throw up drunk. YUCK! I have gotten a headache after but nothing more. OOOPPPSSS! Sorry rambling!

I was asked the question "Are you happy?" (Terry)
I have didn't know how to answer that! In the past the question was turned into:
"I hope your happy now!"
"See what you did! I hope your happy!"
"Whatever do what makes you happy"
"Does making me hit you or yell at you make you happy?"

All filled with rage. Not sincere. Not genuinely interested if I'm happy or creating happiness.
I didn't know how to really answer that at first. Took me awhile to process. I am happier. I struggle daily but yes, I am happy!

Thanks for listening!

God bless!

When will the madness end?

I'm mulitasking, sitting on my favorite chair, sipping on coffee, watching FOX News (Not the IL news channel), blogging about things that seem surreal that happen in my life. Reminded of memories of a life from almost 3 years ago where I lived stepping on eggshells daily. Never knowing if the day would take a turn for the worse or be a calm one. Even with a calm day you wait for the other shoe to drop and dread something that sets off my Gaslighter (NARC, Psychopath, Abuser, whatever you want to call him they are all appropiate.)

Sunday, I planned on heading to church, I have been lax in going lately and really felt we needed to go. Starting the day as usual above, oh I may get crazy and exercise (last week I took it off working out as my parts still are hurting from the Turkey Run adventure a few weeks back. Sorry rambling...)

STBX begins to text me, they start off nice (Surprise surprise!) Asking how I am doing, do I want to meet for coffee (Oh, yes I really want to put myself in front of the bear!) I did say No, of course that set off a firestorm of messages that I am his and since his GF left him it's my fault and unless she comes back to him I he will come get me! Also to get "Him" out so he can come over. (Him is Terry)

Oh, and he has to drop off his GF first, HUH?

He goes on and on... He hasn't changed. I wonder if the Anger Management classes went well. That is sarcasm. Sounds like the same behavior pattern from before.

Then a string of messages from our Son, which I doubt this, more like Psycho's other personality. I was still worried about many threats in the messages, so, I got A. up, J. was staying at her friends house, I texted Terry to say we were going to my Mom's and called my Sister, Mandy, to tell what was up, she said just go to Mom's (Great minds think alike). 

Terry asked what was going on. I told him R., was at it again. He called me not even 15 seconds later alarmed and knowing that my brain goes to panic mode immediately when I deal with Crazy Man. I was running around like a chicken without a head.

Terry asked if I phone the police and I whined, "No, what does it matter, they aren't going to do anything." He replied, Honey, Honey, calm down. Now what's going on? You know you need to document everytime this *%$#! pulls this kind of *#&%! He is not supposed to be texting or talking to you, per the court. Everything is through his attorney! So, call the police, as to be escorted to your car to be safe and see if you can file a police report.

He was reminding me to calm down, by this time I think he was more worked up then I! See, he is still away for work and can't just be home in a few minutes. I could picture him on the other end of the phone pacing like a Lion! I could hear the worry in his voice, which wasn't calming me down by now. I squashed the panic attack down, as now is not the time to have to deal with that! All the while I am getting dings on my phone about another text message. There ended up being 12 text messages, nasty and mean. One stating M., is going to beat Terry up until he can't walk or see, if he ever see's him. One that says I abused him and another that said, I was the one sleeping around with others and that's how we got diseased. Terry and I talked for a few more minutes and then I did as we discussed.

The police came in no time, I talked to a close person and told her the situation so she can keep an eye on our place if she was around the area. The police showed up while I was speaking to her. He took my statement, and watched as the kids and I piled in the car. On the way I left a message with Crazy Man's attorney, and I later emailed the GAL some alarming emails sent to my Sister, Mandy, later that day. Oh, yes the crazy messages were from time to time throughout the day. Cruel, mean and crazy ramblings. Enough for me not to sleep too well. I am still jumpy!

I stayed away from home almost all day yestreday, my friend called me to tell me she noticed an unmarked squad car sitting in the parking lot for quite sometime, which makes me wonder if they are going to finally take his threats seriously! So when does this end? With me missing or found a hot mess somewhere? Oh I will not go down without a fight this time. But I don't wish it to take that turn. I just want it over. I would love the judge to say, "OK, your divorced!" Then maybe Crazy Man will get the picture. I have no doubt he will be a thorn in my side for a long time. I am counting the years that I have to continue to deal with him! 6 if I'm lucky, longer if they go to college.

Maybe... Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray that we remain safe and for an end to our seemingly never ending divorce. I'm so desparate for closure to the divorce. I do not wish for any harm to anyone. I wish for him to realize I'm not coming back to him ever.

Met with his atty today!

I was worried that it was a trap and STBX would be there. The meeting went well, he had four things to go over with me:
1) Custody
2) Child Support
3) Parenting Time
4) Property division

So, apparently, STBX wants to keep custody as is.

Child support is to stay as it is, though he mentioned the court may add $290 a week to my income, even though I am still out of work. HUH?! I figure "he" must be wigging out he pays too much. I did say that I WISH I had a 40 hour a week job that pays that much a week! I do have a student loan and stuck with those stinky taxes from the business recently! Oh, the atty did not even know we had businesses together...

Parenting time is still up for discussion. In order to have Parenting time the Order of Protection would need to be dropped! YIKES! I know he plans to ask for that to be dismissed. I told him the girls are terrified of STBX. He said Parenting time at Children's Treehouse one hour is supervised and safe. Any funny business and visits will be off. So if the Order is dropped not only do I have to worry about the girls safety but the rest of us too!

Property division, apparently I am entitled to his Pension and Savings through the Union. The Savings through the Union was a surprise to the Atty! STBX did not disclose this to him! He said he was going to ask the Union about that!

I mentioned the threats of violence and that STBX does not forget, he holds grudges and will get even or kill the girls. I mentioned the Murder for Hire, I mentioned the times that the police were called to visitation, I mentioned that his parents were in bad health, because he asked if that was a place we could continue to hold visits! HA! Apparently his client is not forecoming about things, SURPRISE!

He asked if there was anything else and I told him that I was going to ask for a formal psych eval. He shook his head and said this was a waste of time, and will prolong the divorce! I could do what I want but that's not what they want and he will argue that.

He was unaware we have a GAL on the case! I was informed on Monday. I plan on calling her in a few to let her know we have court. He did ask about others on the case and I did tell him that STBX threatened and scared the counselor and GAL away. No response but posture change.

Anyway he wants to get it closed, over and done with. Heck with details of the girls safety apparently!

Off topic~ I had a health scare, TMI! My results from my pap came out and I needed to phone the Dr's to get them. Great! I knew that couldn't be good! So I am already wound pretty tight! I called and finally got the results. I am HPV positive but nothing active! Yea! I probably got the virus around the time I got HSV2. Wonderful! But all my other labs for STD's came out negative! YEAH ME! I retest yearly and should be OK. WHEW! I had all these nasty thoughts run through my head... You know, you think the worst. I prayed and prayed. Thank goodness God isn't done with me yet!

Now to work on my Bible study, I missed last week in town because I was so tired and not feeling well. Yes, SuperMom is not invincible! BIG CHEESY GRIN! I may break out my glue gun or some flowers for something imaginative. Glitter always makes me happy! Sorry to ramble!

Monday is court, I wrote down a bunch of points I hope to talk about. Wish me luck! I am still nervous! Thinking positive thoughts! Until next the soap opera episode after Monday!

Court today...

Since he has a new atty the PO and our Final pre-trial hearing is set for Oct 3rd. AGH! We didn't get anything done, except to bring his atty up to speed on what was going on. The judge stated our case seen as an Urban legend!
I wish I was able to speak. I had bitten my tongue on several occassions because I was unsure whether the judge would let me talk or not. He raised his voice in the beginning to a tone that alerted me, as a child that had been caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

He paid me a compliment about being cooperative during the whole process toward the court and with atty's and I do as the court has asked. BIG CHEESY GRIN! His atty was told that he needs to keep his client client in check. I did call STBX's atty earlier this week to introduce myself and to provide my contact information if he needed it. He mentioned that in court and told the judge that he thought it was a pleasant thing to do. He did not feel he should take my call until he weeded through our file and after we had court.

We were not able to say anything pertaining the PO but the atty did say he is going to ask the court to dismiss and STBX wants custody of our girls! He did also mention that they can not find a GAL to take our case and even if we paid for one he does not believe there would be a remedy or that it would not lead to thousands of dollars in bills.

I AM TERRIFIED! I'm super worn out right now, but wanted to put something down to update. Thanks for the prayers and keep praying if you would be so kind.

Tomorrow is Protective Order hearing!

I'm scared about tomorrow! J had a meltdown at school today because of the thought having to see STBX again if the judge drops the case or orders supervised visits. I have to tell you I'm worried! I know he has the Atty for tomorrow but I have not gotten any paper work about him appearing for the divorce hearing.

My stomach is in knots! When will this end? When will I get to the point when I can not get all twitterpatted when I know I'm going to see him or when I randomly see him on the street.

I had gotten a call from the Domestic Relations office and they said we "Have to pay" for a GAL. We don't qualify, now excuse me if I'm not a bit confused. Last year there was nothing said about paying and now all of a sudden there is a problem. I can not afford an atty and if I could I would be paying for an atty for the divorce.

Say a prayer for us!

Be your OWN advocate!

I have learned much from this crazy Jerry Springerish saga called my life. It has changed me so much as a person.

I am stronger

I don't have to answer to anyone at the end of the day (though I still feel I have to explain myself for various things and there is no need to)

Life at home is so much more relaxed

I enjoy coming home

I enjoy Terry when he is home (Even when he is grumpy, it is a far cry from STBX!)

I learned to have fun in life

I am my own person

I can do anything I set my mind to

I can stay up late if I want to

I can eat until I am stuffed

I don't have to be a maid or slave

I am learning to just be me!

I have also learned that there is no one out in Legal Land that will be your advocate. This means I have to be my own. Terry is my cheerleader, heaven knows I feel so disheartened and down that there seems to be no help in sight through the court and police.

"I" have to make the calls
"I" have to set up appointments
"I"have to make sure dates are scheduled
"I" have to make sure the court has my court records- Oh yes they have been misplaced before which set the court date postponed again.

There is going to be a end to this craziness! I have to believe that! I also know I have to keep pushing some officials to do something about the threats against the girls and murder for hire.

STBX has hired an attorney. I'm nervous. I am unsure what his move will be. He did ask for a continuance for the Sept 15th Order of Protection court hearing. I googled his name and came up empty. All I know is that he does adoptions, divorces, and custody. The girls do not want to see him at all and how can I protect them without incurring the wrath of Legal land? I had gotten appearances for both girls Orders and even the one that M has against Terry. I know STBX wants to keep Terry out of the picture.

I've made a call to the Domestic Relations Bureau in Crown Point, hoping to find someone to be the GAL on our case. I was told off the record many know about our case and don't want the trouble. So, my children dead if he gets them is ok?!

I have not gotten anywhere with my police case. No return calls from the Griffith Police Dept at all. I am not sure if I even have a case open (Murder for Hire). I'm upset and sick to my stomach again. I was up all night due to nightmares. Oh I wonder when those will ever stop.

Email to Inspiring Stories Mary Kay

I am a Mom of 4 great kids. I am 40 years old, married to my husband for over 21 years.

I am a Survivor of Domestic Abuse

I met Robert when I was a high school Sophomore. At 16, the world was my oyster and I of course knew it all. At the young age I was both blinded and scared of the attention Robert was giving to me. We dated on and off, each time I would break up with him, there he would be either waiting outside my bedroom window, following me everywhere and eventually threatening to kill my sisters and parents if I didn't make up with him. I was frightened of him and believed he would follow through with his threats.


 We married, I even went back and forth with this. I cried the day I was to get married. This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and I was filled with dread. Family and friends urged me to stop, but for fear of him harming everyone dear to me, I followed through. The day was horrible! I wanted to throw up. Afterwards he belittled me, I cried silently in the bathroom while friends and family celebrated.


Years later, it didn't get any better. He grew more and more abusive as time went on. Hitting, punching, raping, choking me, pulling my hair, holding knives to my throat and calling me so many vile things. After time I grew to believe everything he told me. I was worthless. Stupid. Fat. A cunt. Dumb spic. Only to be used and good on my knees. He told me no one would ever want me.  I should just go and stand in front of a bus to rid the world of my shit.


I did entertain thought of suicide, thinking that there had to be a better life or maybe he was right!
I had my place from time to time, naked on the floor at bedtime, if I disobeyed him by saying no to sex or if he just felt like I needed to be punished.  I was pushed out of his car more times then I could count. Locked outdoors in nothing but my pajamas in the winter. Oh and there is many other things this man put me and later the kids through.


We had children and though they are my blessings I felt as though I cursed them to a life of sadness and cruelty. I hoped when we had children he would change.


He didn't.


Money was a big problem, or lack there of. We fought over this tirelessly.
Sex was another problem. He was a sex addict. He cheated on me several times. We ended up swinging. I won't go into the details, but it made me feel so dirty, I would excuse myself to leave the room so he could do his thing. I would hide out in the kitchen or make up some excuse not to perform. Afterwards the encounters I was to have sex with him. He would force me to give him oral sex, even though he did not wipe himself clean after he had some woman or man. I was horrified and disgusted. I would cry in the shower, scrubbing my skin raw, I had to make sure I didn't make too much noise while I was crying, as not to draw attention to myself. I ended up with the parting gift of HSV2 from him bringing another woman into our home as his "Second wife" in title only, he wanted a Polyamory relationship. (that was in 2007)


8:00 was bedtime. Here I was over the age of 25 years old and I HAD to go to bed at 8:00. I would pay for being disobedient if I did not follow this instruction or the dozens of others he had for me. The kids could stay up until 10:00. They learned not to bother us (him) while we were in bed. They would have to have a good reason otherwise they would be in trouble.


He's abuse was not limited to me, after I left him the first time, I told him never to hit me again. He lied of course, but while I was not around he would hit the kids, pull they're hair, call them names, threaten to kill me and tell them "If Mom leaves me, it's your fault!" Something a 13 year old, 10 year old and 9 year old do not understand or need to hear. They carried alot on they're shoulders that I never knew about until after we left him. Even now it's slowly coming out. Today my now 13 year old daughter had a Anxiety attack. She is concerned that Dad will get unsupervised custody of her and her sister. (Her brother went back to Dad, he started a fire in my apartment closet and told me he would kill me while I slept if I did not take him back to his Dad).


Even after leaving him two times in 2007 the abuse did not stop. I slept with a knife under my pillow, while he slept he would kick me, push me, bite me and choke me. He claimed he never remembered doing something like that. He said if I wanted to leave him fine! I would never leave again with anything. I leave with just me. I don't get the kids and not to be surprised if I heard the kids were in an "accident" by CO2. Or he would ask me which child I wanted dead? He would kill one of them in they're sleep. Pick one, he would tell me. I stayed. I cried and I stayed.


He spanked me in front of the kids. He eventually thought it was funny to have the kids spank me. They would protest, cry and say "Stop hurting Mom". He would swing and swing, thinking it was funny. Afterwards to make up he would treat the kids to food out at McDonald's or candy. For me? He would demand sex, telling me he wouldn't do it again, only for the honeymoon period to be over after a day or week and if we were lucky a month!


My oldest daughter bravely would bring me ice for any bumps or wipe my tears or help with any bloody lips. We would panic if we heard him come back in the room or house. I'm sorry I'm jumping around there is so much to tell!


I left him 3 times and on that 3rd time I stayed gone. That was Feb 25, 2009. Though I am still trying to get divorced I still consider that my Independence Day. Each time we left he threatened to kill himself. He was admitted into the hospital psych ward 4 times. Each failed.


He hired someone to stalk me and eventually to kill me in the spring of 2009. For $5,000, this person was to murder me, take pictures of my body, bury me and to bring Robert the pictures after. Luckily, the people he asked told other family members. They gave statements to the police department. He has not been persecuted. Not enough evidence. I'm still stunned and upset by this. I have been assaulted every time he saw me in the year of 2009. I had a Order of Protection after the last attack. Of which he has violated more times then I can count. But he doesn't get more then a slap on the wrist.


My children have suffered with me. I regret not leaving him sooner. I don't regret my children but I feel very responsible for what they went through.
Like many here I  have at the time I was with him I had lost my family, my friends, my dignity and almost lost my life.


Robert still stalks me and harasses me and my new guy, Terry. Terry and I have have a 11 month old together, of which Robert and my son have stated in emails and voice messages they would harm or kill when given the chance. All of these things have fallen on deaf ears.


We have supervised visitation that was agreed to happen at Robert's Mom's house. During the calendar appointment to set up these arrangements in November 2007, Robert didn't like how things were going and he left for about 5 minutes or so. Now the funny thing is during the time he left (my partner Terry was on the other side of the courthouse and my son on another.)Terry was attacked physically by my son not even 10 minutes later after Robert left. The event was seen by the Police officers in the courthouse building. My son stated he was going to kill Terry but decided to beat him up instead. Terry did not file charges. The officers told him not to worry it was out of his hands and my son would be persecuted. My son was detained and handcuffed, not charged. Due to a mix up with the police report, Terry later found out that in the police report my son was labeled as the victim and Terry the assailant. I believe Robert planned the incident, but that is only my opinion.


During the girls last visitation on August 14th, my 13 year old daughter got into an argument with Robert. She ended up outside with her sister and brother. Robert was yelling at his Mother and his Father. This scared my 13 year old so she called the police. I was on my way to pick up the girls and found out about this from Robert's Mom, who was very upset and yelling on the phone for me to pick up the girls! I said what's going on?! She said it's Rob, they're fighting, come get the girls! I told her to call the police and she said she couldn't, pick up the girls now! And she hung up on me! I called the police and was informed my daughter was on the other line. I hung up and proceeded to get to the house.


Once I arrived, I found the girls outside, each one was upset, quiet and crying a bit. My sister in law was outside as well talking to the girls quietly. The baby had fallen asleep, I saw 5 squad cars in front of the house. I yelled for the girls but my sister in law came over to me instead of me going over. I didn't want to leave the baby alone while Robert was around. The police were detaining him inside.


My sister in law brought me up to speed. She also stated that while the girls were outside, Robert was shouting about me getting custody and saying he would do everything in his power to prevent that! Even if it meant slitting the kids throats! I was horrified! I told her to tell the police! A police man called her away and told me to take the girls home but before I left he would talk to me. He shared with me details, Robert claims our 13 year old said some "Choice words",he was just verbally disciplining her and Grandma agreed with Robert's statement. I did ask him about the threat to the girls, my sister in law and Mother in law did not tell him about that! He saw how upset I was about that, we talked a bit more and he gave me some advice. We left.


The next day I went to the police department and did receive a copy of the report, at which time I did see my sister in law and mother in law stated they heard Robert's threats. He was not charged. I did file Order of Protections for both girls! When Robert found out he was not happy. He was informed not to call, text or email me! The next day, He proceeded to call me, and I believe he made up a fake seizure for our son so he could talk to me. I did call the police again, Robert just happened to call me 2 times while the officer was there. The officer answered the second call, after trying to talk calmly to Robert, the call was getting heated on the other end! Robert was yelling at the officer! The officer told Robert he would be over to check on our son and he better answer the door! I found out later an ambulance was called, our son was OK! Robert was once again told not to call, text or email me. The officer felt that it was a medical emergency and Robert went overboard. So it does not seem that he will file charges against him.
 Oh I could go on and on with more incidents of stalking, threats, statements from friends and family about run in's with Robert. I am living in fear that my husband will harm the kids or kill Terry and our new son or me.


After over 2 1/2 years he still wants me to come back. He still signs his letters, your loving husband, Rob. And he believes everything. I don't know who else to turn to! I have tried the Prosecutor, police and State's attorney. No help, I am Pro-Se and can not afford an attorney.


Our case is well known due to Robert threatening Attorney's, the GAL on our case and even a court appointed counselor. I just want to get our story out in case something happens to me.  The last time he saw the girls unsupervised he slapped our 13 year old for not wearing a bra. He bullied and screamed at them. He told our 13 year old she was the reason we were divorcing. That it was her fault! This drove her to thoughts of suicide. She has learned that she is not to blame! This has taken time.


The girls are slowly coming out of their shells! They are not as shy or sad as they once were. They have more friends,  A and B Honor roll, and are working on rebuilding their childhood. They are still haunted by bad dreams. Due to legal rights I can not just pick up and move without notifying him where are moving. He can also protest the move. I feel stuck.


The girls are scared and do not want to see Robert, but since he is paying child support and they're biological father he has rights to see them. Our divorce case has been tied up with pre-trial after pre-trial. No finalization decree. That would help me so much with some closure! Our next court date is in Oct of this year. Again this is just  a little bit of the things that went on, there is so many more things.

Order of Protection expires soon!

I leave a picture of me from time to time, to remind people I'm like anyone else's Mother, Sister, Daughter, Friend or Wife.

I leave a picture so that everyone will remember what I look like and about my story if something should happen to me.

I leave a picture that someday the court system and legal land will have a record of the craziness my STBX has put me through and continues to do.

I leave my picture so I won't be forgotten...


I talked to a friend and I was informed that STBX had rode a bike around our apartment 4 times last Thursday. She went to get a camera and he didn't show up. He actually paused and stared at our building. Then she heard sounds coming out of our place. Needless to say that I am going to make sure the police escort me in when we return. So he's still stalking me! It's been almost 3 freakin years!

I'm worried that my Order of Protection runs out at the end of this month. Leaving me fair game and open for both my STBX and my son. My son will only do what his Dad tells him to. Case and point when M attacked Terry at Lake County Court house in the fall of 2009. Telling the officers that he was going to kill him but decided to beat him up instead.

A string of emails after the event about killing Terry and me had followed for months after. I have gone to the police repeatedly and nothing seems to happen at all! The only ONE thing that stuck was the phone messages he left on my answering machine. They were demanding and also numerous enough for the Prescutor to file charges. Which lead him to pay court costs and he was ordered to take Anger management classes. He still claims innocent from this even though it was his number and his voice on the machine, which a policer officer heard.

The investigation the local police did on the murder for hire has gone nowhere. My STBX is smug and says all I have is 2 losers that do drugs and since they have a record they aren't credible. I have to wonder if he's right. To bring you to speed again, he offered my nephew and another gentleman $5,000 and a camera to video tape my death/grave after the deed was done.

I am still at a loss.

I received an email that states he and Terry will still have a "meeting". He also is planning on getting custody of my girls since Terry is "dangerous". (HA! I thought that was calling the Kettle black"). In addition to that he is going to sue Terry for having his child and for pain and suffering. He is looking to sue for $25,0000,000. On one hand I laugh at the stupidity of that threat. Where does he have the money to hire so many attorney's? He claims he can't afford the child support he is now paying.

We filed bankruptcy, he lost the house, he had no bills. (I have medical bills of my own and a student loan that has not seen payment due to no job on my part. Not any fault of STBX at all and I'm not saying he has to pay any of that.) He works for cash.

He works for Pine Waterproofing in Northfield, IL as a Union Roofer (Local #11). He has been getting paid cash for years now. He makes what he needs in hours to keep a certain level for health insurance and the rest of the hours he takes for cash. He has seen over $20,000+ in just getting money under the table alone for years. But I can't prove it. Though I witnessed it for the number of years we were together. His boss keeps a stash of cash in his office. It's off the books and for emergencies and so on. Sadly battling the Union to prove the allegations when so many other companies do this would be hard to say the least.

Anyway, I'm nervous to say the least. STBX's Mom is not a safe place to hold our "Supervised visitation". I thought one of my Sister in law's would be there to help but apparently she was at off at a pool because she had a rough work week. I have no issue with that. She works hard. My problem comes when there is a fight, voices where raised.

Neither of my girls want to see STBX again. BUT the court is not going to allow that to happen apparently. They asked the last GAL how come they have to see Dad but he had no answer for them. He noted everything, gave his findings (The girls were to stay with me and STBX was to have charge of our son).Since he relieved himself as GAL, we are at a stalemate. No new GAL's want our case. They review, contact old GAL and find that STBX is a wack job and we can't get a new person. Which again postpones the divorce since STBX wants the girls.

I can't afford another attorney, I have been searching for a Motion for Bifurcation but have not found one I can submit to the court.

I get emails/text messages from STBX that he is "My loving husband". He sent me a couple's horoscope last night.

Daily Flirt:

Something weird is going on with your health -- most likely it's nothing serious, just irritating -- but you can make a simple change that will clear it up much sooner than you think.

Daily Couples:

Are the two of you ready to learn from the past? The stars say making a full and sincere effort to absorb these lessons results in a time of unprecedented sweetness and harmony in your relationship.

What the HECK! Totally creeped out and just want this man to move on. But as I read about this Gaslighter, Psychopath, Narcisiss, Abuser or whatever you want to call him, he won't let go easy. He is dating other women but yet he won't leave me alone. I want to move so badly, but every stinking time the place falls through or they aren't renting now or so other reason. I'm sad and admit to be stressed out. I'm dizzy again and I've gotten belly aches and twitches again on my face from time to time. Nightmares are back as well.

I may ask my sister to stay with me or something. I'm not sure. Living life as usual but looking over my shoulder.

Keep us in your prayers...