Advice from Survivors of Abuse

I can not believe it has been 9 years as of tomorrow since I left my abuser. There are times it feels as though it was just yesterday. It may seem to others that I am just living in the past by sharing some sad events in our life. Now I can look at these memories without tears, nightmares and anxiety.

I don't feel that I'm in bondage over my past. It is what it is. I've made peace. I'm not the same person I was when I first started on this journey. 

Sharing has not only saved me from a dark place and time, but showing my vulnerability has helped others know they aren't alone. That wasn't my initial thought when doing this. Perhaps it was a bit of revenge.

I've mentioned this before, there are times when I just thought to stop blogging, sharing, and to let it go of the past.

After leaving I didn't always do the right thing. I put myself in dangerous situations several times. I didn't always say the right thing. Thoughts that my life was so messed up how the heck can I support or share with others? And I'm still trying to heal myself, how can I give advice?

Then, 'SNAP!' like a rubber band, I am brought back to earth by someone who is close to me. They know my story and find themselves in a situation of love where someone they know is a victim. 

I can feel the Lord is looking down wagging his finger, and saying, "See here,Woman! This is part of my plan, quit your belly aching and reach out to others."

After pouting a bit thinking a bit about this I push these things aside and help out.

I share a bit about me. I don't go into deep details, but let the other person know they aren't alone. I include this blog as well so they can come and see I'm not some creepy person. I do provide my phone number if they wish to chat instead. 

I was there once. 

I get it. 

It can be frustrating now that I'm on the other side to try to help and I feel helpless. 9 years later gives me a HUGE prospective that I didn't have. 

Surrendering and allowing some vulnerability to show does not mean you are weak. Doing so can be scary. You may have built a wall around your heart and have a hard time with trust.  Lowering that wall doesn't mean you can't do anything alone. This gives you a chance to ask for help and for others to serve you by your sharing. 

I've asked several Survivors what advice would they share with a victim trapped in an abusive situation.

These answers are courageous, raw, loving and speak the truth. I hope they both speak to you and help you on your journey.

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Dana advises; "I really like to leave the abuse behind me. I don't want to keep it in the forefront of my life, because I can't truly be free, if I keep dragging around that kind of baggage. I guess that's what my advice would be... let it go. Look out the windshield, not the rear view mirror."

Vanessa shared that she was a young woman of 17. Her abuser broke her ribs, bit her and more. He was sentenced to 7 years in prison.

She states,"I know how amazing it feels to know that we survived it and can encourage and help others to walk away when they don’t see the need to."

This recently hit home as a woman she knows was recently killed due to domestic violence.
"For those still trapped in abuse it’s a hard place to be every different phase of the abuse is different also. If I had gotten out early enough I could’ve walked away and stayed away. Physical abuse was just with mental abuse and then it turned into him not letting me leave his side even to go to the bathroom and having three locks on the door."

Vanessa's advice; "For someone that is in abuse in the beginning stages I always encourage to listen to their friends and when their friends say he’s a control freak or mention how they have changed since meeting him. For those in the middle I encourage to ask for your friends to find a domestic violence shelter so that you that can get counseling and not feel like you’re alone. Abusers main mental abuse is making you feel unwanted and that you’re nothing without them. In the last phase when it is the worst and you’re mentally and physically not able to leave I would advise doing your best to get out because it only gets worse. Even if the threat is like my friend and you end up dying if you don’t get out you’re going to die anyways."

She further adds, "At the end of the day I know that every time I the see signs that someone is in an abusive relationship, I am the first to make sure I start a conversation with them. Another survivor turned into my best friend after I had strong feelings that she was in an abusive relationship. I told her my story and read some of the police report so that she knew that I could relate. She ended that relationship and we have been best friends ever since."

I mentioned to her that it seems like abusers read out of the same playbook, she replied; "I agree they’re already been the same playbook the same exact Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3. It never gets better it always gets worse. It always starts with finding a woman that is having a hard time in their life and giving them comfort. You might also notice that the woman they choose are always sad from a recently ended a relationship with somebody else for someone that has just gone through something extremely emotional and are just not thinking straight when their abuser walks up to them and tries to be the Prince Charming."

Vanessa ends with a reminder, "You are not alone. These men are evil. No matter how many times they say they’re sorry, they will continually do it until you run away. I felt like I was alone without him because that is what he put in my head but all the women out there we are in this together around every corner is someone that’s been abused let others help you live the life that God wanted for you."

"Hello, I'm Brianna and I left my abuser on September 10th 2014. I didn't choose to leave before that because he kept on telling me that I couldn't survive without him. He was the one that made the money. Well it was all lies! Abusers will feed your head with a bunch of lies to tear you down but know that you are strong and you are stronger than words."

She adds; "Words may hurt, but your strength can overcome any words that he could say. Sure, it's hard at first but once you start seeing how much you can do on your own and that every step you make is to prove to him that you can do it and you can be happy again!"

Toni suggests the following:

*If you can and have means to get out of the situation leave the abuser.
*Never stay with the abuser just because you have kids together!
*If the abuser has just started, your heart and mind will tell you enough is enough.
*Get into some sort of counseling even it it's with your Pastor.
*Create and use your support system of family and friends.
*Know you aren't alone. Find a support group with those who have been in your situation.
*Have a plan to execute and leave!
*This is not your fault, don't be blame yourself!
*Never give up faith and hope even on the darkest days.
*When you leave it'll be hard but be strong. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward.  Don't go back!
*Look up resources in your area you can utilize for help, "Crisis Center, etc..."

Maggie says, "I think that is important is to practice self love. When you love yourself I think you quickly recognise when someone isn't treating you with love and respect. When you love yourself it's easier to walk away from those who don't treat you right."

Kristy encourages, "It’s easy to stop hearing your own inner voice in the echoes of the fears, the lies, and the what-ifs. Everybody has the ability to listen to their intuition, though, and it is hardly ever wrong. When you are in an abusive relationship it is easy to mute your intuition, but your intuition is a powerful ally as to the awakenings of the truths and the next steps. If it were easy, nobody would be in negative situations. Just as you have to tend to a flower, you have to tend to your own soul – nobody else will do it.  You make the decision to grow or stop growing. I hope you unsilenced your intuition and choose to start blooming. ~Kristy Robinett – www.kristyrobinett.com

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I hope you found words of support, comfort, and reminder that you are not alone.

Stay safe! 

If you need immediate assistance please visit The Hotline or call your local authorities.

Much love and BIG HUGS,

Mel

P.S. - 
Abuse has no prejudice. It affects all races, ages and genders.

Men are also victims of abuse. It is under reported by males trapped in this situation for fear of ridicule and shame. 

Please don't make me do that...

I have been candid about everything in my life. Besides Terry and a few small things I've only told him, I have beared my experiences that I never thought I would share with anyone.

I was embarassed, ashamed and felt used.

I mentioned before when I went to St. Jude's House in the Cinco de Mayo of 2007, they did a craft for us women to create a t-shirt that empowered, told our story or had some sort of significance on them. They provided us with paints, t-shirts, glitter and other embellishments. So there were about 12 of us huddled around our long tables.

We were chattering a little here and there, asking where is this color or that? Can I use the glitter paint? Or do you have an extra brush.

Soon there was a hush over the group of us. No more chuckles. No more chattering.

If you listened closely you heard sniffles and soft sobs.

I heard someone really crying and realized it was me, boy was I loud! Ever have one of those moments? I seemed to have stepped out of myself. Not uncommon for me to do. I would step out of my skin when something bad was happening with my STBX. Someone handed me a wad of kleenex and I'm unsure who did as my eyes were filled with tears and things were a blur.

I looked down at my creation.

There was no fun colors.

I had chosen red and black. I was surprised. I almost felt as though someone else created the words on the shirt. They were dark, scary and hurtful.

Words like:
Bitch
Cunt
Dumb ass
Raped
Spit on
Kicked
Slapped
Spic
Bruised
Punched

Did I do that? I was rocked back on my heels. The words seemed so evil and vile.

After we were all done, the supplies were put away. No one was talking. There was tissues balled up over the tables. Hugging going on as we could get up and look at everyone's creation. Then the young lady leading us asked for each of us to go around and tell the group about the shirt.

We went around and around. Each story so heartbreaking. Each woman had a story that is some ways mirrored my own. These survivors were White, Black, Hispanic, 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's and 60's. Abuse has no age or race barriers...

By the time it was my turn, I hesitantly spoke up. I told them I don't know how I wrote some of the words I did. They all just spilled out. I also realized during this exercise that I was not just some crazy lady. I was raped many times by my STBX. I was pushed to the brink of insanity by his tauntings at times. I was abused for many years.

And I survived.

Well that shirt served to remind me what I went through. Of course I took STBX back. I allowed him to come back. It was great at first, aren't all honeymoon's? A week or so later, I showed him the shirt, and he was embarassed. I had to run an errand that day and left for the appointment, it was the eye doctor. I received many stares and a few questions. I told those that asked, "I am a survivor of Domestic Abuse". And I went on to say that my husband and I had decided to get help and work it out.
I was so hopeful!

I arrived home and he was livid! How can you wear that shirt? What will people think of me? What if someone we know finds out? Burn it! Throw it away! NOW MELINDA! What the *uck! I thought you wanted to work this out Mel!

Please don't ask me to do that! I thought you were ok with this R?! You said it was ok and you admitted you had a problem but we are going to fix it right?

He came and grabbed it from me, then he headed to the back yard fire pit. He ended up burning it. He thought it was terrible for me to cause him to be embarassed by parading around in it. He apologized saying that it was just bad karma to keep that around. It's a fresh start and why be reminded of the past? He smiled a wide smile and kissed me. He gave me a playful pat on the head... So what's for dinner?

I knew things weren't going to change. The happiness and good feelings had already started to dissolve. I was rethinking my choice. What had I done! I should have known! I felt duped! He lied! I thought to myself... I felt stuck again. Maybe I was overreacting. Doubt played on my mind. I still remained fearful and tried to push negative thoughts from my head. Turning the events that happened towards menu's for dinner...

Instincts, I should have listened and I should have never let him come back!

8 Ways to spot Emotional Manipulation

Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation Emotional Manipulation is Also "Covert Aggression." See: "Psychopaths: Wolves in Sheep's Clothing" Here is a list adapted from an article by Fiona McColl

1) There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit. 2) An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater. 3) Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it. If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!  4) Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again. 5) Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.          6) If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter  what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away! 7) Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met. 8) Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.