Green flags to be thankful for in a relationship

No relationship is perfect but there are some things to keep an eye out for when starting or thinking about a current relationship you are in this could be with an intimate partner, family member, friend, or co-worker.

1. This person takes responsibility for their own actions.

2. Support things you want to do or pursue.

3. Practice self-care.

4. Are reflective on their life or situations.

5. They have long-standing healthy friendships.

6. Empathy towards others.

7. You can be vulnerable around this person or they are vulnerable.

8. They are spiritual and don't mock your spirituality.

9. Self-sufficient- They can take care of themselves, appointments, and needs.

10. Communicate openly with no judgment.

11. Has hobbies and is encouraging for you to pursue your own or to join in with their interests.

12. Respects and honors your boundaries.

13. Are affectionate with you.

14. Takes interests in the thing you like to do.

15. Supportive and positive about you even when you aren't feeling that way.

16. Has a great sense of humor and can laugh at themselves. They don't put you down.

17. Can help out financially if they need to with no strings or without being asked.

18. A good listener and communicator.

19. Has fun!

20. Accepts your past without being critical.

21. Doesn't compare you to others.

22. Respects your need for alone time.

23. Allows and encourages you to have a career.

24. Respects your children.

25. Knows they aren't the center of the universe.

26. They are mature.

27. They have confidence in themselves without being cocky.

28. Fits in no matter what the situation or environment they are in.

29. Admit when they make mistakes.

30. Shares in chores or tasks around the house.

31. Enjoys quiet time and encourages you to do the same.

32. Willing to deal with the ups and downs in a relationship.

I hope these help you evaluate a questionable relationship you have or maybe even to evaluate "YOUR" behavior in relationships. If you or someone you know is in a toxic relationship there is hope and help. Message me privately for info on services in your area. I have a private FB group for women only that are victims/Survivors of abuse and it can be found here- Hope when there was none group.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

WOW! Can you believe this?! I left my abuser 8 years ago today...

It has been 8 YEARS today that I broke free from my abuser! HALLELUJAH! Where did the time go? There was a time when it seemed like days wouldn't go by fast enough and here I am today 8 years later!



I will be hosting a FB Live at 4:00 pm CST sharing things I have gleaned along the way, a little of our escape story and other ramblings. Feel free to join in- Melinda Kunst. I have a picture of myself and Mr. Awesome with a surprised look on our faces plugging our YouTube channel.

This year actually feels like I should be celebrating. I'm not exactly sure why. I had a suggestion that perhaps I should do something like burn or destroy something that we shared- shirt or electronic... Now if you recall some of my other posts I had donated and threw out a LOT of things we had that reminded me of him. On one hand that sounds like a marvelous idea! On the other hand, I really like the griddle I kept. Silly right?! 

Or maybe I should have had a pinata with his face on it and the family should have taken turns hitting the heck out of it. But does this feed any resentment or negativity that is still found in any of us? 

So I decided to nix the idea for now. Not to say in the future we may consider this but for right now I'll pass.

If you are just starting on my blog let me start by saying I'm sorry you are here (Unless you are one of my AWESOME Friends or Family then thank you for stopping by!). 

I apologize because it gives me a heavy heart that most of my traffic is due to abuse not because you want to hear my latest rant about chickens or how wonderful my garden looks. More then likely you are here trying to sort out your feelings or how to leave your abuser. 
Checklist for leaving your abuser

Either way my Dearest Blog reader I can honestly say I know what you are mentally going thru. I understand the anguish of "Should I or shouldn't I?" or "Is it really that bad?"

Been there done that, got the T-shirt and the postcard! Once you decide to make that leap of faith can you find the strength to stay gone?

Perhaps you have a situation where if he/she stops drugs or drinking or maybe they get help things will get better? You have to decide that and it may just take leaving 1 time for a serious change. I have a friend that had this situation and I hear her partner is a changed person since under going some counseling. That's awesome! 

In my situation I still am pretty adamant that he won't change nor will countless other abusers. They have to "WANT" to change. Many decide they like the intimidation or power it seems to give them.

Let's say you are leaving for real this time, after of course you have exhausted all your resources, please do me a favor and make sure you have a family member or friend (If not the police) know your plans. Also this time maybe very confusing and hectic! Please review the resources here for taking steps for leaving, or check with a shelter and of course law enforcement. Safety plan

I am not an expert, attorney or counselor so please always seek assistance from these folks during this time! I'm praying for you! I promise you after time has passed things will get better. But you also need to have that positive mindset that this experience will pass, you will find joy and happiness again. You may need to learn how to love "You" in order to heal. That phrase "Time heals all" is for real even if your not feeling it now. 

If you are a believer in the Lord lean on Him! If your not and want to learn how to have a relationship with the Lord drop me a line privately. I'd love to share the joys I have found!

Whatever your journey I BELIEVE in YOU beautiful Soul. Stay strong and keep the faith!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Please don't make me do that...

I have been candid about everything in my life. Besides Terry and a few small things I've only told him, I have beared my experiences that I never thought I would share with anyone.

I was embarassed, ashamed and felt used.

I mentioned before when I went to St. Jude's House in the Cinco de Mayo of 2007, they did a craft for us women to create a t-shirt that empowered, told our story or had some sort of significance on them. They provided us with paints, t-shirts, glitter and other embellishments. So there were about 12 of us huddled around our long tables.

We were chattering a little here and there, asking where is this color or that? Can I use the glitter paint? Or do you have an extra brush.

Soon there was a hush over the group of us. No more chuckles. No more chattering.

If you listened closely you heard sniffles and soft sobs.

I heard someone really crying and realized it was me, boy was I loud! Ever have one of those moments? I seemed to have stepped out of myself. Not uncommon for me to do. I would step out of my skin when something bad was happening with my STBX. Someone handed me a wad of kleenex and I'm unsure who did as my eyes were filled with tears and things were a blur.

I looked down at my creation.

There was no fun colors.

I had chosen red and black. I was surprised. I almost felt as though someone else created the words on the shirt. They were dark, scary and hurtful.

Words like:
Bitch
Cunt
Dumb ass
Raped
Spit on
Kicked
Slapped
Spic
Bruised
Punched

Did I do that? I was rocked back on my heels. The words seemed so evil and vile.

After we were all done, the supplies were put away. No one was talking. There was tissues balled up over the tables. Hugging going on as we could get up and look at everyone's creation. Then the young lady leading us asked for each of us to go around and tell the group about the shirt.

We went around and around. Each story so heartbreaking. Each woman had a story that is some ways mirrored my own. These survivors were White, Black, Hispanic, 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's and 60's. Abuse has no age or race barriers...

By the time it was my turn, I hesitantly spoke up. I told them I don't know how I wrote some of the words I did. They all just spilled out. I also realized during this exercise that I was not just some crazy lady. I was raped many times by my STBX. I was pushed to the brink of insanity by his tauntings at times. I was abused for many years.

And I survived.

Well that shirt served to remind me what I went through. Of course I took STBX back. I allowed him to come back. It was great at first, aren't all honeymoon's? A week or so later, I showed him the shirt, and he was embarassed. I had to run an errand that day and left for the appointment, it was the eye doctor. I received many stares and a few questions. I told those that asked, "I am a survivor of Domestic Abuse". And I went on to say that my husband and I had decided to get help and work it out.
I was so hopeful!

I arrived home and he was livid! How can you wear that shirt? What will people think of me? What if someone we know finds out? Burn it! Throw it away! NOW MELINDA! What the *uck! I thought you wanted to work this out Mel!

Please don't ask me to do that! I thought you were ok with this R?! You said it was ok and you admitted you had a problem but we are going to fix it right?

He came and grabbed it from me, then he headed to the back yard fire pit. He ended up burning it. He thought it was terrible for me to cause him to be embarassed by parading around in it. He apologized saying that it was just bad karma to keep that around. It's a fresh start and why be reminded of the past? He smiled a wide smile and kissed me. He gave me a playful pat on the head... So what's for dinner?

I knew things weren't going to change. The happiness and good feelings had already started to dissolve. I was rethinking my choice. What had I done! I should have known! I felt duped! He lied! I thought to myself... I felt stuck again. Maybe I was overreacting. Doubt played on my mind. I still remained fearful and tried to push negative thoughts from my head. Turning the events that happened towards menu's for dinner...

Instincts, I should have listened and I should have never let him come back!

I didn't know it was that bad!

I saw someone today that I hadn't seen since Feb of 2009, the month I left STBX. I had went up to her because I thought she was someone I knew. She didn't recognize me, my hair is much shorter now!

She said she and her husband miss me. The Antique shop is not the same. I miss the heck out of that place, but don't miss the memories of STBX.

She said she didn't know it was that bad!

She is happy that I left that mess and hopes I am happy now. I showed her pictures of the kiddos that I had on a Power Point that I had made up for the Healthy Mom & Baby fair, trying to drum up business for my Doula services. We went on talking for a bit more and hope to get together for dinner or something when Terry gets back into town.

It was about time to leave so we exchanged good-bye's.

I also talked briefly to one of the lovely workers about being a Survivor of Domestic Abuse and she was going to pass on my number to someone she knew that needed to talk. She gave me a HUGE hug and told me how strong and brave I was. HMMM! I thanked her for her kind words. I packed up and left.

I spent the rest of this evening pondering again, thinking and feeling like a gloomy Gus. The "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda's", clouding my mind that was filled with jumbled memories of sadness and deep regret of not telling.

Thinking about the other woman's comments about being strong. Kayne West song drumming in my head, "Stronger" with brief snippets of Destiny's Child, "Survivor".

I have had nothing but nightmares lately. I know it's because of Mediation and court that is upcoming. I am super jumpy as well. I hate that feeling!

I cringe when I hear someone yell at they're child or at their mate. I want to speak up! I want to do what I never did. I want to shout out about not harming that innocent little person or the doting wife/partner.

I remember how submissive I was/am. I look down when a man passes my way, trained to do so. Trained not to look at a male, which made it hard to do business! J, joked in the car about some man staring at me recently and she said if I were still with "Dad" he would be saying I must be having sex with that guy. I felt terrible when the words left her mouth but I know that is exactly what "He" would have accused me of. 

His words pop in my head at times:

Why are you looking at him?

Why was he looking at you?

Did you know that person? They stared long enough at you!

SLUT! Are you *ucking him?!

I look down. It will take alot of years to stop doing certain things that I do. I want to get all of that out of my head! PTSD, panic attacks, nightmares and nervousiness.

As a victim you don't tell. I knew better! The punishment for telling was very harsh but sometimes the anticipation was worse. Knowing when I got home he was going to beat me or what have you was terrible. After a time I wished he would just do it so we could go on. I brought him the belt a few times, I waited in our room with my heart racing, palms sweating, and feeling sick to my stomach. Scared he would do something to the kids instead, which was very likely to be cruel.

Am I strong? It is said our experiences shape our lives and can make or break us. I was broken for a long time. What is enough for me is different for someone else. Hitting rock bottom for someone maybe a hospital stay on life support. For another it maybe that first slap or verbal word. I can not say when is the right time for someone to leave.

It's a matter of choice.

You have to want more for yourself! You are worth so much more then He/She says! You can make it on your own. You will make it on your own.

I had "Hope". I prayed for help and to know when it was time to go. I  still have "Hope" but for a different reason. For a new start, new joys and a new life without licking my wounds or covering up anything or for anyone. I have "Hope" and pass it on to whomever needs to know they are not alone...

Finding your voice!

You finally take the leap of faith and leave. You are now on your own trying to find your way, by now you may have gone through dozens of tissue, whether or not you loved your abuser or lost that love long ago. Crying and maybe even screaming may just be because you are finally free! You may be scared of what the future holds, perhaps you left with just the clothes on your back or you are jobless or the future seems bleak to you.

That old relationship seems like an ending, which it is! You are beginning the first day of the rest of your life! As crazy as it sounds no matter what age you are this is a do-over. A new start! A fresh start! It is not all sweetness and rainbows, any relationship that ends no matter what the reason is sad. It's ok to cry, it's ok to doubt, it's ok to feel like you want to go back, and that maybe it will work.

Whether you are leaving for the 1st time or the 11th time do not go back! Don't look back! Look forward! Keep your chin up, things will get better with time. Sorry to sound like a cliche but time does heal and it does get better. It takes tiny steps to start to love yourself again and to find you inside the scars but you can do it!

You will find your voice again and when you do it is the most amazing incident that happens to you! To feel empowered again is marvelous! To know that you do NOT have to ever go through any abusive ordeals again is the most wonderful thing! It will happen!

Reinvest in you by going back to school, taking up a hobby, read again, start taking better care of yourself, spend more time with your children (They have to heal too!), and reinvent yourself! It maybe that you have to lose the friends you used to have or not hang out with the same group of people, mainly because in most cases history can repeat itself, the chances of you ending up in another bad relationship is very high!  Especially after you leave your Abuser!

Be strong! You can do begin again! Finding your voice is the most important and rewarding things you can do for yourself! I'm proud of you!