Marriage, birth and death

I felt very isolated during my relationship with Rob. He seemed to drive a wedge between many of those around me, that I craved a friend desperately.

Any poor telemarketer, door-to-door sales person or Jehovah Witness didn't have a chance if they called or rang our doorbell.

As the kids grew a bit older I had taken it upon me to busy the kids and me with, a stay at home Moms group that I founded and was the president for. Later I moved into a position of coordinator for the state of Illinois. I later stepped down as the President and Coordinator as a member of the group was approached by Will for an affair.

I was devastated! I had enjoyed the position, feeling good about myself and that I was making a difference with other Moms that needed friendship as well.

Will had demanded my time be taken up with lists of house chores, errands and time with him when he arrived home at the end of a long day. Even though I tried to gain normalcy by participating in the school board, scout leader for both my daughters and son, it was in vain. During events or meetings he would do everything he could to make sure we were not out long by calling me constantly, yelling or berating me to get home with threats of harm if I didn't arrive by a certain time.

Invitations by friends and family were declined. I was asked to be a Bridesmaid for one of his cousins and later a high school friends of ours that were getting married. Will was not asked, so naturally I was forced to decline. He was furious that his friend since they were 6 years old hadn't asked him to be part of the wedding at all!

He insisted that everyone was against him. He declared that I would be spitting in his face if I said yes. A few years later, when my friend from high school announced she was expecting and could I be the Godmother, Will was once again upset he was not asked. He did not allow me to say yes, citing once again that he was being shunned.

I was hurt. Will refusing me to even go to these affairs, much less bring a card. We did go.

Any event was always awkward. Will never truly allowing us to have fun. Any time someone talked to me quietly, Will assumed it had to be about him and it must have been something untrue or mean.

It wasn't uncommon to leave a gathering in the middle or with Will in a huff about this or that. All the events he blew out of proportion or he made things to be more than they were.

I missed many funerals.

Who doesn't want to go to one of these right? I’m not being weird. I missed the wake and funeral of my Grandma Lorraine. I missed other family members and friend’s sad time as well. Why? It took too much time away from him or he would complain that we didn't know the person that well.

My friend that I mentioned from high school lost her Dad, I attempted to reach out and help her as best I can. During the wake, Will called me every 10 to 15 minutes asking when I was coming home. He was also accusing me of fooling around rather than going to comfort my friend.

After time, invitations stopped coming. No one wanted Will to attend because of his escalating and erratic mood swings.

I felt alone, angry and depression settled over me, like the darkness of the time early in the morning.

Are you hungry?

Spring 2008

It became ever increasingly apparent to those around me that something was going on behind closed doors.

Will was losing control while we were in public. A laundry list of incidents became more and more noticeable. Though, no one said a word. If anyone raised an eyebrow, Will would shoot a cold glance at them, causing any comments about the incident to fall by the wayside. 

A good deal of those saw me on a regular basis managed to pull aside from time to time to ask if I was okay. Many times anything that was done in public would include threats about what would happen when he and I were alone at home or he would pinch me, hard.

I grew close to a Darlene, whom I am still close to today, she is like a Mom to me. She saw and over heard many of the exchanges.

Though she never said anything out loud, there was an occasion where she would say something snappy to de-escalate the situation.

My favorite fast food had really good beef sandwiches that I couldn't help but stop and grab before I opened the store, also ordering one for Darlene for lunch, randomly on a Sunday at lunchtime. She would often return the favor by surprising me with a yummy beef, waiting for me on the front counter.

One Sunday afternoon, she had stopped off and said she brought me a sandwich! I was tickled, the smell of the drippy, soaked beef sandwich and fries caused my stomach to grumble! I couldn't wait to dig into it, the store wasn't very busy at this time, so I eagerly took a bite. No sooner then I started chomping did the front door open and Will walked in. He had gotten off work early and decided to surprise me by dropping by. He quickly walked to the front desk, demanding to know where did I had gotten the sandwich.

I shuffled my feet, nervously wringing my hands, feeling beads of sweat forming above my eyebrows. I had an upset churning in the pit of my stomach. Will, barked back that I was getting fat why the hell was I eating junk food? I told him Darlene had bought it for me.

“You’re not eating this!” He proceeded to pick up the beef and eat it.

I was flustered, I had barely squeaked out a sound to protest, when Darlene had come from the back of the store, seeing Will interrogating me about lunch, she said, “Hey! What’s wrong? I bought that for Mel!” She walked up to the counter and added that if he was hunger he should get his own lunch!

His face turned crimson in the matter of a millisecond. I interjected that I wasn't that hungry and appreciated her kindness, hoping to soften the situation.

Darlene had looked at me, her eyes seemed to ask if I was okay. I nodded and she walked away. Will had left about a half hour after storming in, with a full tummy and a reminder that I would have to speak to him later about this situation. He said I must be bad mouthing him when he wasn't around.

I breathed a sigh of relief that he was finally gone, calling the kids to alert them that Will was on his way home, to pick up the house and make sure to play well.

Darlene came to the front and noticed Will was gone. She asked me if I was alright and asked me if I really was not hungry. I shook my head. She could tell I was visibly upset. Deep in thought for a moment, she said that he was an asshole for eating the sandwich and treating me badly. She gave me a big hug, letting me know if I wanted to talk she would listen and that I was too nice to be treated the way he treated me.

Every time he left a situation or gathering, the air seemed lighter and the mood was lifted!

I worried myself sick on the way home about what was to come. I dreaded the trip home. When I walked in the situation seemed to be forgotten until later that night in bed, after the kids were sleeping. I had hoped he would have dropped the whole incident. He told me that I was not accept any food from anyone and forbid me to speak to Darlene as she is turning me against him. If he ever caught me talking to her other besides talking about the store, he would kick my ass.

He moved quickly, straddling me holding down my wrists, his full weight over 280 pounds coming directly down on me, he was angrily repeatedly telling me to say that I agree with him to never talk to Darlene.

I defiantly turned my face away from his gaze, saying nothing. He roughly grabbed my face with one hand and my neck with the other, chocking me. He was yelling that I was a bitch. Perhaps I was fucking Darlene and was planning on leaving him for her.

Spit was running down his lips covering my face. I clawed at his hands with my free hand, bucking and trying to twist him off me.

I panicked, furiously trying to save myself, thrusting, scratching and kicking to no avail.

I began to feel light all over, I couldn't breathe, and felt as though I was suddenly in a tunnel, seeing his outline fuzzy and faint.

I woke up several hours later, sore, hurting, scared, hearing him snore next time, I breathed a sigh of relief. I slid out of bed as gently and quietly as I could, hoping the weight leaving would not wake him.

I tiptoed into the bathroom to survey the damage, hearing the heavy sounds of breathing from the other room.  I softly closed the door behind me. I checked myself in the mirror. There were hand prints on my neck, which was sore and raw. My face was marked with dried spittle and tears. I had dried blood on my lip, not recalling how that happened. My wrists were bright red in spots from being held down. I was still felt light headed.

Suddenly, the house grew quiet, I paused like a deer sensing danger, all at once the door swung open and Will walked in, staring at me.

He shuffled past me to use the bathroom and said, “Good morning! Sleep well? I slept like a rock.”

“Hello? You okay?” He asked with a deep concern etched in his face.

“I’m fine, just going to wash my face and get moving.” I advised.

“Well you look like hell Mel, what did you do? Whatever it was you better be careful.” He nonchalantly walked past me.

I wasn't surprised. This was typical after an assault. I busied myself with getting myself together, making sure to wear something to cover my neck and long sleeved.

I had to open the store in a few hours. I felt as though I wanted to just stay home and lick my wounds.

I couldn't. It would not be allowed.

I told the kids that I would be leaving soon; ordering them to eat breakfast, clean up and to play outside rather than play video games or watch TV.

The kids had no idea what transpired. We had a whole house fan that was used regularly also Will regularly played the radio loud to get to sleep, so they didn't hear many of the altercations that happened between Rob and me.

I gathered my purse together feeling with the night’s events fading into the background of the rest of the day as I rushed for the door. 

I was halted in my tracks by Will, coming from the dark of the basement; he grabbed my already tender wrist as I was walking past the hallway to get my shoes.

Drawing me close to whisper to remember what he told me last night. He gruffly barked out that he would have people watching me and he may stop by unannounced as well so I better be a good girl.

He let go. I felt my throat tighten, tears springing into my eyes. He kissed my forehead, “I love you!” he said, staring at me, waiting for me to return the comment.

“I said I love you Mel! What do we need to have a repeat of last night?” He snarled.

“No, Will sorry my throat hurts a bit. I love you.” I murmured, trying not to come off snarky.

He never came into the store. Nor do I believe he ever had anyone watching me at the shop.

I am reminded...

There’s a girl sitting alone on a park swing, children are playing all around her. Kids whiz by as if she is invisible, in her mind she wishes she were. Two girls and one boy stop in front of her, smiling smugly, the young girl steels herself, “Wait for it…” she thinks in her mind, “Your ugly!” screams the two girls loudly and they laugh with the boy in two pointing and giving high fives to one another. A tear rolls down the young girl’s cheek…

Later walking home at a snails pace she finally reaches her destination, home. Home is where her Mother calls her fat and stupid. Home is where her Father comforts her in a way she is not supposed to tell anyone about.

A very well groomed woman with a high powered job, seeming to have it all in her named brand clothes and fancy car. At home she has a husband and baby waiting. Her husband has a Meth habit; he has become someone she doesn’t even know. He waits for her not for hugs and kisses but to tear her purse apart looking for money for his new love that his dealer supplies for thousands. They are so far in debt; her husband has hocked everything but what meager belongings she has she leaves at work. She puts on her we are the perfect family face. Her child is at home crying, her 9 month old baby is wearing a diaper she had put on before she left for work, it is filled so badly it hangs in a soggy smelly mess. The small hungry tear stained face looks up at her from his crib, they can’t afford daycare and she has no one else to leave the child with.

It’s morning and a man stumbles into the shower, grabs a bite to eat and rushes out the door. He’s heading the cancer ward at the University where is wife of 55 years is fighting for her life. She is all he ever had and the future looks bleak. He was told the day before he was losing his life partner and he doesn’t know what he is going to do. He has depleted all of their retirement, he had part time job that he lost last month due to the economy.

Pastor and his Deacon have had to have words as some members have concerns about bruises on the Deacon’s wife face and they’re children from time to time. He dismisses it as clumsiness. The family has a good reputation of participating in all the functions at church, they bake casseroles. Never miss a Sunday. Members have noticed for years the wife is quiet and mousy, the children are skittish, the Deacon has been known to blow his top.  At home he runs a tight ship with his fists. He has a porn addiction makes his wife do things that he had seen on the web. He spews words from his mouth at his children and wife to bring them to tears. He threatens them not to tell or else!

I could go on and on with thousands of situations. I am brought to tears sometimes hearing about kids that are bullied, kids that parents do not care about except to collect a government check monthly. Parents that should be loving they’re children but home is not safe for the child.

You see people or talk to them daily and things are not as they seem. You may think you have it bad. Walk in someone else’s shoes. There is more to life then heading to the bar or club.

What can you do? Care about someone else for a change. Listen, be a shoulder for another, find out what you can do in your community. Be an answer to someone’s prayer.

I am reminded that we are at war! We are losing or they injured they are somebody’s brother, son, husband, wife, daughter, while they are fighting our freedom!

 I am reminded of a recent story in Israel where a family was slaughtered.

I am reminded that tonight a parent is crying because he/she has a child that was abducted or missing and that child will not be home tonight.

I am reminded of a strong lady that has the task of telling a parent or relative that their child that was missing will never come home.

I am reminded of a family that has a young child that is close to death and was recently brought to the States for help and hope.

I am reminded of a few moms suffering with domestic violence.

I am reminded of a older woman that has been bed ridden ravaged by cancer, and her caretakers are family that yell and beat her when she wets her bed.

I am reminded of a couple that is hooked on crack and they are pregnant with twins and the woman has no plans on stopping. 

I am reminded of a adorable little boy that has a few physical issues but is a sweet kid that other children are bullying.

I am reminded of children that are 12 years old and becoming mothers when they should be playing tag.

I am reminded of the young child in desperate need of a transplant.

I am reminded of a boy that has it all but is in trouble with police for under age drinking and a few other things because he feels unloved.

I am reminded of a family that seems to have it all but the father is seeing another woman and beating on his kids.

I am reminded of a mom that is struggling to meet ends meet and she longs to have full custody of her children. She works over 18 hours a week to make a meager $300 total.  Her out of work ex-husband keeps taking her to court for child support for they’re 3 children.  He takes her to court out of spite.

I am reminded of the natural disasters, thousands of lives gone and the terrible economy.

I am reminded of the world around me daily. These are just a few of the things I am reminded of that have actually occurred over the past few months personally or from a friend of a friend. People I keep in my prayers and these are just a few.

I would love to stay in my bubble of bliss. I would love to shut out the nasty world around me and my family. I would love to keep out the evil. I would love to have a solution. I want to be part of a greater good, through prayer and just being there for anyone I can. I want to make a difference, even if it is for just one person. Not to toot my own horn or for my glory, but to show I am a caring human being also especially for glory to God. Not for bells or whistles.

I thank God for my problems they remind me how good I do have it…