Part 1 Tips to cope with being alone after a toxic relationship

It has been ages since I've posted! I'm sorry! I haven't forgotten about you! I have jumped into vlogging and haven't come by here in a while. I have a bunch of things that I will be sharing over the next few weeks or so to catch up! You can find the video here- facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone.

A tough topic for many victims and Survivors is loneliness. 

First off, it is very brave of you to stay alone right now! I'm proud of you! This is a time of being on an emotional roller coaster filled with drama. You may feel like tapping out or giving up. Please don't! Consider talking to a counselor or therapist. This can be a dark time and talking with a professional or trusted 3^rd party can help.

One of the most common experience among victims and Survivors of a toxic relationship is feeling lonely. Personally, I can totally understand! This is a critical time when many jump back into the relationship or start a new relationship before addressing the junk from the past.

It isn't uncommon for this new super loving person to end up being abusive as well leaving you feeling like you are a failure in love or all you attract are losers, no one will ever want me or you may wonder what's wrong with, “ME?!”

If you miss your abuser you are not a weirdo. Even if this person caused you physical pain you loved this person. There were some good times and comfort. You may have been with this person for months, years, or decades, and know that it's okay to grieve. There is no shame in longing for this person back. You knew what to expect, it's familiar and in some ways not as scary as starting over.

After you leave you may notice different physical symptoms- Anxiety, depression, mood swings, nightmares, bedwetting, panic attacks, insomnia, and more. These are probably not “new” symptoms you may have not given these things much thought before. You may not have had a chance to really “feel” your own emotions. You may have had to hide these or brushed them off. Now they seem like flashing lights going haywire. Signs PTSD after a toxic relationship happens often!

Remember, we are no longer living in the past. The past now part of our memories and you are safe. That trauma is no longer happening to you. You are free even if you don't feel like you are.

Right now is the time for growth!

Being alone gives you space and time to rediscover or get to know yourself. Learning to reprogram your mindset, past hurts, figuring out likes, dislikes, dreams, and goals.

I know you may not feel like doing this and honestly, I have no clue about what you experienced. I can tell you that giving yourself the gift of time to begin a new journey will be healing for you.

Start creating boundaries, journaling, create a ritual for you such as rising early to read your Bible, pray, exercise, or creating a positive routine. Do something that gives you a positive feeling. This can be for 5 minutes, a half-hour, or longer! Don't hesitate to find time throughout the day to do something to recharge your spirit. 

What is something that you have done to help you on your healing journey? I'll be back tomorrow with more suggestions. Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Anxiety attacks and Panic attacks- Do you know the difference?

I can't rightfully say my healing journey is over. I haven't had a Panic attack in several years now. I've kicked the nightmares to the curb. Not having these were a BIG deal for me. It meant no longer feeling as though my ex had power over me. It meant being able to not worry about being triggered by songs, smells, holidays, and more. You can find the video of this post here-
Panic/Anxiety attacks. Differences and what you can do about them.

It is said that half of the time you were in that toxic relationship is how long you need to heal. Example: If you were in a 20-year relationship with someone then 10 of those years will be healing.

Anxiety attacks, happen over a longer period of time. Some of the symptoms are:

Tense muscles
Hard time sleeping
Finding it hard to concentrate
Feeling rage at times
Self-harm
Hallucinations
Substance abuse
Dissociation
Feeling suicidal
Exhaustion

Panic attacks, usually come on fast and can be intense. Symptoms may include:

You may feel as though you are having a heart attack with chest pain or discomfort
Heart palpitations
Feeling as though you are losing control
Feeling as if you are dying
Hyperventilating
Lightheaded
Nausea

There are many more symptoms for both and each person experiences something entirely different than another person.  I had no idea I was having a Panic attack until I was taken to the hospital. At the time I was still living with my ex back in 2006. I thought I was having a heart attack. It was so scary!

So what can you do?

Here are some tips to help heal from an attack-

Tell someone! It can be a trusted friend or relative but do tell someone. It is especially important to share with your co-workers/boss so they are aware of your situation.

Practice deep breathing. It is important to remember to breathe or even to start humming/singing during this time. It's hard to do but using distractions is important.

Start a meditation practice

Find a "Happy place". This could be a warm and fuzzy memory, something funny or something that makes you feel good.

Journal or write down your thoughts

Take care of your body by eating things that are good for you. Cut down on caffeine, sugar and processed foods. Look for herbal teas that can help relax you, such as Chamomile or drink flavored water.

Find a mantra that can help you change your focus during an attack.

Pop in a funny movie or find a stream/video that makes you laugh.

What can you do when you feel an attack coming on?

A popular thing to do is the 54321 techniques:

Name-
5 things you can see in the room with you.
4 things you can feel (The chair on your back or your feet on the floor).
3 things you can hear at that moment (Fingers tapping on a keyboard or TV).
2 things you can smell or 2 things you can think of.
1 good thing about yourself

Afterward, focus on what caused your panic attack. These are also referred to as "Triggers". It is something that sets you off emotionally which activates your memory. Ask yourself these questions:

Was it a smell?
Sound?
Song?
Movie?
Memory?
Are you feeling stressed or anxious?
Try to recognize how your body feels before and during the attack.

Use essential oils to help!

Back to deep breathing. Keep a paper lunch bag with you to slowly breathe in during an attack. If no bag is available you can use your hand.

What can you do if a loved one is experiencing from these?

It can be scary to experience these and even scarier to watch. Your loved one may be having trouble breathing or become unresponsive, you may notice shaking, crying, or they may feel sick.

Be patient! These can last minutes or longer.

Sit them down if they are standing.

If you are in a crowd find a quiet spot and wait for them to calm down. This may mean you just sit and watch them. Knowing what your person likes is important. Meaning do they like to be hugged? For some hugging is reassuring and for another person, this could be a trigger depending on the trauma they experienced.

Gently tell them to breathe slowly and breathe with them so remind them they will be okay.

Use humor, sing something softly or find some essential oils to help calm them.

Talk in short sentences during this time. Don't expect a long conversation.

What you shouldn't say:

Just calm down!
Stop panicking!
Stop being a drama king/queen.
Just think positive.
Get over it already!
Don't make fun or light of them.

Call for medical attention if unresponsive!

I hope these tips and suggestions help you. There are other healing techniques you can find.

Counseling
Theta healing
Crystals and many more!

Find what works for you. Remember you are not alone. If you need to talk there is help.

Stay safe!
BIG HUGS!
Mel

Be still. . .

From the time I was little, I wanted peace, love and comfort. Someone that would love me. I prayed to the Lord and questioned His love for me, feeling lost, afraid and hopeless at times. As the years passed and we had escaped my stepfather, life seemed to slip into a surreal normalcy. I was worried that if I blinked it would go away. 

Then I met my abuser. He was a bit different. Things spun out of control and what was normal went Topsy turvy. I felt as though I was suffocating, I felt stuck, and lonely. I feared leaving. I feared moving on. I feared the unknown of how I was going to make it and later how I would make it with 3 kids? 

It hasn't been easy or a cake walk. As I have mentioned on numerous times, I still have concerns for our safety. The years of feeling like I was walking on a tightrope have all but vanished. 

I still have memories, I still have triggers, I still have nightmares and I still sleep with the night light on. I also still have the unwelcome present of HSV2. That little gift serves as a reminder of a rather dark and bleak time that I would rather forget. But forgetting that time would be hasty. That time brought 3 beautiful kids into my life. I still pray that someday I will have a safe and healthy relationship with my eldest Son that is now 19 years old and I have not seen him since the latter part of 2010, after a scary incident involving a "Supervised visit" with our abuser in which the police were called due to an altercation between my ex and his Mom and Dad. He also threatened to slit my daughters throats if I was awarded custody of my girls. Likely, his threats were not taken lightly by the court and I was given custody of our girls and future visits were at Children's Treehouse. Of course that ended badly, but that is an older blog post. 

The old adage, "What doesn't kill you makes your stronger" Irked me and still kind of does. I don't feel any stronger than before. Conflict and argument's still send me into a panic and I can feel myself turn into a "Shrinking Violet", quite literally. 

I am annoyed that though it has been well over 6 years, my ex still hunts for us. Sound weird? Is it in my mind? No, he asks for us. He was sending me messages since we left in 2009 about his love for me, how we will be together someday, that "he forgives me" for everything and that he is a changed man. All of this nonsense is not reality. The reality of the situation is that he needs help. I've looked into prosecuting him for molesting our daughter but that ended up with a brick wall, legally where we reside too much time has elapsed and there is not a darn thing we can do.

I would be a fibber if I didn't say I wanted to get revenge. I still feel strongly about the situation of course for what that monster did. I was amazed at my Daughters bravery once she was free of the "secret" she had been keeping for years. And how she is choosing to forgive him and asked the Lord to help her do so. 

We still have our quirks and we try to help one another get through these. It's not easy. There are times of heated discussions, tears and regret as all of us in this household attempt to navigate through old wounds, of course the dreaded teenage hormones and my premenopause. God love Terry! His patience sometimes gets the better of him. I know we needed a strong person to help us through. God blessed us with that.

I don't know where you are in your journey but do me a favor. Be still for a moment. Wherever you are, stop what you are doing and just be still. What do you hear? Kids bickering? Traffic in your area? TV or radio on? No matter, take moments out of your day to just be still. Leave the camera off or the video option off and just soak in what is around you.                                                                      

After a crazy day at home or work, I have moments of clarity and splendor of how my life is today. I prayed for the life I have many, many years ago. It can be hard when your caught up in the moment to remember the simple blessings that are around you day to day. Such as, birds chirping, lightly tinkling wind chimes,the wind rustling through the trees, frogs and crickets chattering with one another. The sounds of laughter that seem infectious in our home. These sounds seem simple enough right?

There were times where I shut out the world, feeling lost in spirit and physically, while I closed my eyes and mind to some rough situations. I wanted to be someone else, I slowly stopped feeling, oh don't get me wrong, I always felt a wave of emotion when it came to my kids. Call me Momma Bear or fierce when it is needed! I did this to shut off the nasty words or sights I was seeing. I closed off to stop being hurt and to stop hurting.

Recent trip to Michigan City, IN- Washington Park zoo!

Where am I? I was taking the picture! I am getting a wee bit on the fluffy side since all I do is sit at work so I haven't been putting my mug in pictures too much. 

Once you are out of the abusive situation for a number of years there is clarity and to some degree I have understanding about how and why I did what I did and for how long I put up with what I did. I want you to know, Dear Blog reader that you will get through the rough parts, it will take time and there will be times when it seems like time stands still, with no end in sight of painful memories or legally. When this happens take a moment, be still, inhale all the good stuff and exhale all the bad thoughts, memories and pain. Do this for a few moments daily and let me know how it helps!

I know God's not done with me yet. I know He has never left my side and has sprinkled some amazing people and experiences in my life that I never imagined! Our bus project is going well. Terry found someone that will help show him how to weld the floor of the bus so he can then put in a floor and work on the build out of our "future" home. I'm counting the days until we launch and we all can not wait for whatever the good Lord has planned for us.

We hope to take part in helping any farmers/farm communities that need a hand and also to learn as well! Terry is a handyman/IT professional with a marvelous green thumb. We have both jumped into our mini farm with both feet after years of wondering and reading out of books we have tackled Beekeeping, raising Chicken/Ducks/Guinea Fowl/Rabbits, aquaponics (briefly more Terry's thing), forging in the yard for edibles, learning survival techniques, making our own soaps, salves, lotions and miscellaneous concoctions (some good and some bad-eg. my Dandelion wine didn't turn out so good). I am continuing to learn more about energy healing, Reflexology, Homeopathic medicines, Herbal medicine, Birth Doula and using essential oils. We hope to utilize our skills and help where needed, potentially for disaster relief or just healing someone that needs to share and talk.

I hope to meet some of the wonderful Survivors and Mom's of victims that I have come to exchange messages with over the past several years and I hope to inspire someone trapped in a abusive situation that they can find freedom, safety and a reason to live.

I'll quite ranting for a bit. If you need to talk feel free to reach me on FB-Melinda Kunst. I have several profiles- One is for my Reflexology page- Melinda Kunst (Healing Hearts), and just Melinda Kunst or at my email that I check regularly at blessmeplz@gmail.com

Stay safe and strong!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

 

Grounding yourself in the midst of chaos!

Depending on where you on with your journey, you still may feel the need to just let out a scream!
It is still surprising to me at how many times I shake my fist to heaven with tear filled eyes or that I still have a nightmare that causes me to wet the bed or to watch the tics or anxieties that still plague my children.

Out of all of these things the outcome from years of abuse that effect my children has left quite an impression of hopelessness, worry and deep heartache. No band aid can bind up the wounds caused. No kiss or hug can wipe away the memories.

No amount of beating myself is going to make it go away.

I apologized to my girls. I hug them. Let them know I love them and I did ask for forgiveness. I am eternally grateful that God gave me strength not give up and He didn't give up on me,though there were times I questioned His ways. There was a peace. Many times there was a stillness in my heart that everything would be okay and that we were not alone.

I don't understand it. I still have a hard time forgiving "Me" for keeping us where we were. Though in all honesty it worked out the way it did for a purpose not for my understanding.

How do I hold it together? I pray A LOT! I am a chatterbox with the Lord! I read my Bible and find verses that helped build me up. I keep my favorite verses in my wallet, purse or where I can view it regularly! I have a prayer journal of thoughts and prayers for my family and friends. Most effectively, I plead the blood of Christ over me and my family. I ask God to send me a hedge of protection and don't hesitate to call on Prayer Warriors to help!

I have been pretty candid on here. I have shared everything I can about my life and experiences. Oh, sure I don't go into intimate details about some of the sexual abuse. I feel I have been descriptive enough. The blogging has helped me greatly! I know I am not alone. Thousands of men and women have passed through this blog. I am still shocked and saddened by the stats.

I literally swipe my arms, head and body from negative thoughts or when I feel down. I brush it down or throw it to the ground. For added happiness I step on those nasty things or imagine a drain taking all of those things down and away from me.

I get out in nature! I unplug and just listen to the birds or the wind rustling through the leaves/trees. If I can I go barefoot and imagine myself with roots reaching down like a plant! Go somewhere that makes you happy! If you can't (money can be tight!) use your imagination, by going to a "Happy place" that is special to your or maybe it can be a memory where you felt safe and loved.

Play inspiring or soothing music! Color or dig out some craft supplies! Have a pet? Play with him/her! If you have kids, play with them! Spending time with your kids is of course first and foremost to help you and them recover.

Picture yourself in a white light or pink (Love) or blue (Calming) light has helped me when I needed to talk to my ex or when I had to go to court. Cutting Etheric cords that attached me to my past abuser also has helped (I will get a separate posting about these!)

Set goals for yourself! Where do you see yourself in a month? 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? 5 and so on. . .

Talk with a professional if you need to. Do what works for you! What works for me is entirely different from everyone else. Don't feel bad if you do something that takes a medicinal turn. I went more of a holistically path of healing with my path and non medicinal. I found essential oils, flowers, Bach's Flowers, Positive Affirmations, Dream boards are what worked for me.

An occasional bout of screaming and crying still works too!

These are just a few things that worked for me. I am still struggling even after 5+ years. I struggle with getting child support, bad dreams and panic attacks. These are getting few and far between, but you are not alone in your fight! Don't give up! I believe in you!

God bless my Dear Friend!
Mel

Treehouse Supplemental report

Supplement Report

Miranda & Dad argue

Miranda "You told me for 2 years- that if the divorce happened it would be all my fault. You put me in that hospital".

Dad "That's a lie".

Miranda "No it's not. You sent us both. Me & Nathan. He needed to be there".

Dad "No he didn't. I didn't want you there".

Miranda "You need to be there. You need a psych eval".

Dad "I don't know what your game is- what your mothers game is".

Miranda "My life would be great if you weren't in it".

Dad "You're repeating exactly what your mother says".

Miranda "No. She would tell me to be respectful".

Dad "You don't hurt me".

Miranda "So now you're a counselor & a psycho".

Dad "I did nothing to you".

Miranda "You choked me. That's bullshit".

Dad "I didn't choke you. I slapped you".

Miranda "Lie".

Dad "You went crazy and started attacking Matthew".

Miranda "All you did what sit on the couch & watch TV all day".

Miranda "You whipped Nathan with your belt so many times. Mom tried to protect him".

Dad "All I see is your mother. So it's ok for you to disrespect me".

Miranda "I'd rather be like her than you".

Dad "Mom is hurting you by keeping the negativity going".

Dad "I always tell Nathan to not talk badly about"

Miranda "Why do you or Nathan keep texting Mom in the middle of the night?"

Miranda "You ruined the first 10 years of my life".

Dad "Your Mom keeps your away from me. You can argue all you want. It doesn't hurt me".

Miranda "I hate you with a deep passion. I want to stab you right now- but I won't because I will not stoop to your level. I wish you would leave me alone. I hate you! I don't want to see you!"

Dad "I'm fighting for custody of you".

Miranda "I hate you. I thought you changed- but you didn't. Stop this visitation shit. I hate you. Get out of my life".

Zoe "Guys your kinda talking loud".

Dad "You shush!"

Miranda "NO!" and slams her hands on the table

Miranda throws her cards at dads face.

CTH security enters visit

Dad laughs when Miranda leaves

Dad "Zoe I didn't hurt you. You're my baby".

Zoe cries- Zoe asks to leave

Nathan cries.

*Mom called to pick up girls 11:23 am

Spreading your wings. . .

You maybe scratching your head wondering how to gain the courage to leave your abusive situation. Thinking about your future is barely on your mind. Thoughts about just living day to day were things that I thought of after leaving my abuser.

I allowed myself daydreams from time to time. Relishing the thought of being free of any haunting nightmares, stalking or any contact with my ex.

I would envision myself a year from where I was. I thought of finding "normal". Finding a place that I would feel safe. I created a vision board filled with images, words and phrases that made me feel empowered, happy and even a bit adventurous!

Some of the images and words were simple:
Create, Dream, Envision, flowers, shiny things, Love, country type of pictures and other things that spoke to me.

I looked at it daily. I said Positive Affirmations. I continued to let myself daydream and I made a Bucket List, which included far out kind of stuff, like baking cookies, learning how to play chess, going different places (You can find my list in the Label section).

I took a break for me. I needed a breather! I read my Bible, continued to pray and at one point in my journey I forgave my abuser. That doesn't make the hurt go away but Lord, was that freeing! I felt as thought a weight was off my shoulders! I read some self help books. I allowed myself time to cry, usually when the kids were at school.

After leaving an abusive situation, everyone needs to re-learn how to live. Kids need to learn to play and imagine. Many times kids of abuse may take on a "parental role" or act grown up, and the act of playing can be hard for them. I mentioned it before in earlier blog posts about how kids can act out or symptoms of PTSD/Depression can appear months or years after leaving an abuser.

Here we are 5 years later. I looked back at earlier blog posts, I felt the hurts and anger from that earlier time. I feel I learned a bunch about the legal system, myself and kids. I had to learn to "Love me". I hated myself for a time. I didn't like who I was in the mirror.  Habits developed over time from living with my abuser are still ghosts of my past that I am working to change. Such as, following behind my husband, Terry, I can walk at his side. I can voice my opinion or distaste. I can even leave the toilet paper roll hanging with the paper in the back of the roll rather then with the sheets on top. Know what I mean?

I haven't dusted in over a month. I still haven't balanced my check book since leaving my ex, I keep a tally in my head and I'm very frugal with my money!

I can go on and on! I spread my wings and am flapping, getting ready to soar! I have some things in the works that I'm super excited about. I have finished my book and hope to publish in the next few weeks! This will also include surrendering and taking a leap of faith that will take myself, Terry and kids on an amazing journey within the next few months or years.

Prayers for you Dear Blog reader in whatever stage of life you are at. If you are currently in a dangerous situation, please get help! You maybe thinking, "It's not that bad" or "Name calling is all it is".

Abuse is abuse no matter what form it is. You deserve better! It doesn't matter if you male, female, child, teen, elderly or what have you. No one deserves to be abused. Contact local police, or reach out to the National Hotline for abuse or let a trusted friend/relative/teacher know.

Stay safe and God bless!
Mel

Exfoliate your life!

That is my favorite line! A very wise woman once told me I needed to "Exfoliate my life"! Scrubbing away emotions, people and things from my life.

I pondered this for sometime. I did realize seeing somethings from my marriage caused me great distress, despite the ordinariness (Not sure if that is a word) of the item. From time to time they triggered a memory which would bring me to my knees or cause me to fall into a depressive state.

Talking with another Survivor- "Journey of Grace" on blogspot. I usually don't talk to that much about my story to everyone. So, opening to her has been very much blessing! She mentioned that a certain object was unknowingly triggering memories and physical issues with her and she needed to replace it to move on. Which reminded me again of the rampage I went through a few times! I ransacked my closet and other things I had around the house that reminded me of my abuser. Everything from the slutty/sexy clothes he bought me to wear for him to decor pictures on the wall to even some of the vintage things I was selling online. I threw many things of the clothes away (sorry landfills!) and donated to a local thrift store much of the other things.

I felt as though a weight had lifted up off my shoulders!

I know for sure I have 2 pictures in the Living room that I'm sure have some lingering psychic impression on them of a time that was filled with some joy, fear and sadness. I'm debating about these two. I may toss them on a table this week and sell them. I love the pictures! They are adorable... Rambling!

Now, not everyone has these issues, so don't go throwing out everything! Think to yourself first about whatever it is that could be a catalyst for Panic/Anxiety attack or PTSD issues. Yes, I know somethings are pricey just to get rid of. Whether it be a bed, or jewelry or clothes, it's a personal choice. A house? Well, that's a really big item. Personally, I didn't want the house because of the memories involved. It was best to start over.

Things. Stuff. Kitchy things. They are just things. Ever hear you can't take it with you? Just something to think about my Dear Blogger! Don't forget you are worthy of wonderful things!

Keep safe! Remember you can find me on FB as hopewhentherewasnone. Please pass this on to anyone that maybe suffering in silence.

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Your not worthless!

During the dark times of some altercations with your abuser, it can be quite drag your spirit down, creating a tangled web of sadness, depression and in some cases a feeling of being worthy of anything good. 

You may not feel desirable.
You may not feel worthy
You may feel like the stupidest or laziest or ugliest or fattest person around
You may feel like a terrible Wife/Partner or Mother

Tuning our or forgetting out those mean words or actions of your Gaslighter can be one of the hardest things to do. As a sufferer of PTSD, it can be quite hard to let go of the past. I don't want to glorify or have a pity party for me or what I went through, and my memories are my worst enemy! Sometimes the triggers or flashbacks are so intense, breath-taking that I can actually hear the nasty words and see the actions of my abuser. I get so angry at myself for getting worked up! I get angry that it seems as though he still has control of my mind to cause distress or anxiety now over 3 years later. I am frustrated with myself for feeling gripped by fear when I see a car that looks like his or someone that looks like him.

I am frustrated with still feeling unworthy of happiness and of better life for me (for us). I usually throw up my face to the Lord and pray or read my Bible to ease my heart and mind. Of course Terry has been great for me to calm me down and remind me I'm none of those things, that I am safe, that I am out of that situation and that my ex is an *sshol*!

Lately, my girls have been telling or reminding me of different situations they remember their dad and I having some confrontation. They are remembering him hitting me, screaming at me and putting me down. I feel so embarrassed for various reasons. First, that they had to witness those times and secondly, that I let him do that to me. Your abuser will only do what you allow them to do to you. I realize this now. I know! I know! Quit harping on this sadness already! I got to tell you that this is one chapter of my life I wish was closed, but in doing so I can't heal. I desperately want to forget and want it to go away. 

After I left my abuser I found many quotes from various places to lift my spirits and some are to use when speaking to my abuser (many did not give him the same feelings I had from them :)  ) Of course many are from my Bible! But I'll share some of the many others that make me smile or remind me that I am strong, safe, and worthy of happiness!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Knowledge is power. Know your opponent. Act, do not react. Take the offensive, not the defensive. Realize your strength and trust yourself!

I am doing something that I believe in, and it doesn't exactly match your plan. Call me later when you want to discuss the issues. It's your job to fix your life.

When I am treated with dignity and respect, then I will make a choice to have him in my life. Until he does, he is completely out!

Do what is right not necessarily what is easy...

Don't second guess yourself

Know that the destination is always easier then the journey

Trust your intution!

Just take yourself out of the relationship in one piece if you can. All that other stuff can be replaced!

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

There's always a time for what God asks us to do
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Dear reader! You are worthy! Just like me! Our circumstances for however we got to this place doesn't mean anything. Your here right now. If you are still kicking around if you should go, ask yourself, if you have children or a close friend/relative, would you want them in the situation you are in?

Don't doubt yourself! If a person doesn't hit you, or break your bones that doesn't mean they aren't breaking your heart, spirit and joy from words or mind games! If you think it's not normal behavior then it's probably not! Trust your guts! Listen to your friends/child(ren)/ loved ones about your partner. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to see the "full picture" and there is a small or large amount of fear that you will be alone if you leave or tell him/her to leave. Being alone is nothing compared to being killed physically, mentally or emotionally from your abuser!

Staying because you have "Stuff?" or a "House" or "Bills" or contract binding the 2 of your together legally for some reason? EXCUSES! When will you leave? Wait until your dead/hurt? Or your child(ren) is hurt or killed?

WAKE UP! Read the paper! Watch the news! Everyday there is a horrible story of neglect, murder, rape or assault on a victim of abuse! Will you be one of them someday? Leave! Make a paper trail of the abuse with police! Don't let your abuser get away with it!

You are WORTHY!
You can SURVIVE!
You can  find HAPPINESS!

WITHOUT the abuse!

You will not dry up and die without your abuser in your life (despite what your abuser says!) "You'll never make it without me/my money!" OR "No one will want you!" OR "You aren't taking the house/apartment! You live with what you have on!"

GO! Start planning NOW! I DARE YOU!
Remember you are not worthless...

Be safe! Blessings and prayers!
Mel







*If you know someone that is being abused, please be a shoulder, lend an ear, and remind them they are not alone! Please forward this blog to them! Find local shelters for them or go with them to the Police. Do not feel bad if they go back to they're abuser. I met many women that go back 2, 3, 5, 10 times or more! (Me personally went back too many times) Have them check out the Safety plan and Safety labels here. Stay safe!*

Flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks

This title sounds terrible! I don't know what else to call it.

The chapter on my marriage to my abuser I consider closed. In reality, my thoughts, dreams and sometimes paranoia run away with me. I foolishly had a thought that with the end of the marriage my bad dreams and other things would vanish. Like Houdini, waving a magic wand... **POOF!** All the feelings of sadness, grief, pain and panic would be gone!

In the real world, these feelings linger for time. How much time is depending on each person and how ever long you were in a relationship with the person that tormented you. No matter, if it was verbal, mental, emotional, physical or sexual, it all takes time to heal.

I'm terribly impatient, I want it over now! Even when I'm in the foggy feeling of losing it due to a panic attack, do I get super frustrated and angry with myself for getting so worked up. And in my head I'm mad that my abuser still has some sort of lasting control that I break down to a breathless, teary-eyed, puddle of goo.

More so lately, I seemed to lose myself in a moment of memories. I seemed to get catapulted to a time when I was still with my ex (gosh I like that!). For some reason, whatever the trigger, I get lost in a blink of an eye. I can smell, hear and feel the raw emotion of past times. There are times when I look over at Terry laying in bed and for a brief moment I feel a panicky feeling that if I look too long he turns into my ex.

If I hear someone with a Nextel or a certain chirp on their phone I look around and feel twitterpatted that it's my ex calling or near me. I see a car that looks like his or a person that from afar looks like him and I feel like my body can't move. Like a deer in headlights.

I don't know when these feelings will leave me. I know my children experience some of similar things. Loud noises and yelling (very rare around here) cause us all to jump out of our skin. I know there are things counselors use. But to tell the truth, I get all panicky about having to go and relive all the memories again. I feel I can do that on my own with no problem! I can take myself back and recall some pretty nasty times.

4 years ago if you would have asked me where I would be today, I would have responded, "In a hole somewhere, in the middle of some lonely spot." I know in my heart, as do many of my family and friends that I would not have survived that marriage longer. Terry and I talked about that the other night. He told me to stop talking about that, he doesn't like that picture. I agree, but the truth of the matter is I would not have survived.

But I did! I got my kids out of there. Though I am sadden by my son's decision to go back to his dad. I almost feel haunted by the decisions I made. I don't question the choice to leave! Oh, Heaven's NO!
I also know that if I didn't decide to do things the way I did, there would be an alternate story to the one I'm in now. I, in some ways, feel as though I'm living a fairy tale. My past is so surreal that it's hard to believe we lived how we did. Survival mode always turned on. Even in the good times!

I want nothing for good things to come from all of this:
1) My son to come to realize that I miss the heck out of him and long to give him a hug again.
2) The girls get some big brother time again. I know they miss him!
3) My ex gets some sort of treatment and help. I pray for the woman that he ends up with!
4) The kids and me finally find an end to feeling scared, panicky and worried about my ex.
5) Someday my ex will have a good, safe relationship with the girls.

I haven't been alone with my ex since Sept 2009. Prior to that, he put his hands on me anytime he could. I don't trust him. I don't feel we can have him over or a bbq anytime soon. Not that we would! The address here is private. That does give me some comfort. In a old voice mail from June, my ex rattle on that I shouldn't blab about our relationship to everyone if I don't want it to get back to him. Funny thing is I haven't. I found out a few people from my old shop (antique store) still read this blog and they were able to make they're own decision about him based on what truth they read. As well as the personal experiences each of them had with my ex.

I'm sitting here shaking my head. Happy to be out and sad to think I am still hiding in some ways. Afraid to go out or announce things about me personally because he may find out where we are or where we live. I don't think I can ever let my guard down. So why I should be happily making wedding plans I have been getting lost in the past more frequently of the late. Not sure why. I needed this! Thank you Dear reader for listening to me rant and rave! All in all I'm forever grateful we are safe, we are loved and we are not alone...

I implore you to leave if you are in a difficult situation that is life threatening or harmful to your well being! Please don't worry about the house or the things in it. Leave with your life! Screw the possessions you can get new things. They are just things! You are not replaceable! Tell someone, call the police, find a shelter if need be, but get to safety!

Many prayers for you with whatever decision you choose to make with your life or the lives of your children/pets. No man/woman is worth risking your life or sanity with the promises that they will change. Please check out my other posts on Safety or Leaving your abuser!

FINALLY, remember you are not alone! God bless!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Counseling sucks!

I'm not digging this counseling idea at all! Therapeutic counseling is not suited for those that went through a Abusive situation in my personal opinion. I have had more anxiety about these visits leading to my ulcer acting up and mini meltdowns.

So now the kids have an appointment earlier this week and come to find out that J has entertained killing herself again. I question the way the counselor aimed the question and plan to ask next time we go to a session. She was diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety and something else. The doctor prescribed Prozac. I'm less then tickled about this choice but due to her swinging moods that sometime mirror her father when he was younger, I'm unclear what is just plain teen moods or something more.

J, is happy to be home and she feels as though she was kind of tricked with the questioning. I wasn't in the room and don't know for sure. We talked about her feelings, why she felt that way and boy does she has some deep concerns about her father. Both my girls are struggling with anger, sadness and fear. I don't know how to help them. I've asked them to share what they have experienced, begged them to write down anything they remember, but they choose to bottle the memories until they have a emotional roller coaster. Both girls say they are really happy to be where we are now. R doesn't know where we live and they feel safe for the first time in a long time.

I am apprehensive to take them back. It's court ordered and neither want to go again. We haven't even began to discuss meeting with R and the girls or M with me. I dreaded the possibility that R may follow me home.

As we get closer to our Final court date I still feel nervous. I wish the judge would just say we are done rather then having a Hearing. I actually did start to mention that we are planning on having a BBQ to celebrate. But I know due to R's fixation he won't be out of our hair. I keep getting reminders from others not to forget that.

Thank the Lord for the strength He has given us to keep going... I still question my parenting skills and whether I'm a good Mom. I question everything. I also still struggle with breaking free of unnecessary habits, such as doing the dishes (Ok I slack at drying them)

Moving on... Sorta

My "new" life is a whirlwind of new experiences, joys and friendships! After over 3 years my "old" life is so surreal, like watching/reading about a made for TV movie about a heroine surviving a disturbing domestic relationship.

That was ME!

The kids and I survived hopefully the most traumatic part of our lives, thus far, with some dinks, slight damage to our spirit, but we are still living!

The amazing part is the newness of daily things. Even something as small as doing dishes or cleaning or heck my checkbook!

I haven't balanced my checkbook since leaving R. LOL! I don't fret about it and keep a track of this in my head. I don't spend willy nilly or buy random things compulsively. I get what we need, when we need them. Oh, sure there are times when I say, "ICECREAM" or "PIZZA" but then we get back on track. Right now we are hurting due to no child support. My attorney did file a contempt charge and I'm thinking this charge and a few others will not be handed down to R until our court date. I believe if he knew about them now he would cause a huge stink.

As it is, I had gotten several text messages and voicemails about the theraputic counselor we are seeing. He left me several messages that he won't pay for it (Mind you the GAL recommended this lady). He says we will see one of "HIS" choosing. And what did I tell them? He complained that I must have said something to them and that is why they are not returning his calls for an appointment. BOLOGNA! He says in a previous text (5 mins before) he didn't try to call them yet. HUH?! Usual rantings and more. Then my son, M, starts texting me. Terry was nice enough to check the messages. I was already a hot mess due to a nasty panic attack earlier.

All morning I was dreading going to counseling. I had remembered when R would pee on me. My clothes off and in the shower. He would laugh. I was humiliated. And as with any episode was done he would just turn around as if nothing happened and ask a random question, such as, "What's for dinner?" or "Why are you standing/laying there?". I didn't want to talk about R. I hate talking out loud about him. For some reason blogging about him and experiences seem less painful, though I do have a good cry from time to time after blogging.

I hyperventilated pretty badly. Thank goodness Terry had the wheel! I have had some bad ones while driving and it's not good. My head hurt and I was exhausted the reminder of the day. So, hearing from Crazy man did not put my mood into any better place. So now, as of this morning, R is refusing to go to counseling. You know what? GOOD! Let him be in contempt for something else!   

33 days until we go to court. This is to be our final court date! I don't know whether to do cartwheels or throw a party! TEEHEE! There is a ray of sunshine in the darkness of that past life. My kids, though I miss my son, I pray he is well and surviving. My new family brings me joy and happiness! Something I would never guess over three years ago was possible...

Now? I have baby chicks! J, has rabbits. I'm gardening, loving the country life and the joy of a baby all over again. I feel blessed! New friends that have blossomed and a sense of peace that seems to settle in over me.

If you are in a abusive situation please know there is hope, there is a new life waiting for you and there is happiness! It's not perfect but it's darned close!

BIG HUGS!



Mel

Why can't you get your Narcissist out of your mind?

I do not endorse any ebooks on the subject of Domestic violence or anything of the sort. I have found in my own opinion that most ebooks are short, vague or just gloss over the topic. Not living up to the hype of the reviews. So please do some research on your own before spending any $$$ on these things. Or seek out a local licensed professional that can help you work on your journey. Joining a support group either in person or in an online community is also something to think about!
Taken from a recent email from Ann Bradley
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"He won't leave my thoughts. I am always thinking about him. I can't go on like this."

"He is still vicious. I need help. I'm losing my mind."

These are the types of things people tell me even after they have left or have decided to leave a toxic relationship. Narcissists leave chaos wherever they go:  panic, anxiety attacks, fear, a sense of dread or helplessness are the gifts they give.  Not many understand what you have been through and it can be lonely journey you are on.

Maybe he or she really is physically gone.  But you are left with the remains of a shattered life or someone who won't stop stalking you emotionally.  He - or she - continues to call, email and remind you how useless and no good you are.  And you think about this constantly - over and over your mind is filled with thoughts of what  has been done to you. This is rumination. Think of the thoughts as planes circling an airport. Then, remember this: "It's time to land those planes."

CHANGE IS IN YOUR POWER

Your narcissist will not change but you can.  It may take a while, but he does not have to take up space in your head.  Imagine you have teflon clothes. Put them on and let the abuse bounce off you. Grab  the pain before it strikes: "Oh, here comes lies and accusations from him.  I can handle it if I can see it and boy, do I see it."  This is not something you say to the one bothering you; this is something you say to yourself. This is self talk for self preservation. Choose your words carefully.

Self talk is your way out of the chaos and hurt. You've been through trauma and you need to do what you need to do to heal. Label the abuse - it defuses its strength. But remember: don't engage in a fight even as you get stronger. This will set things back.
This is a quote from Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D. -

"Narcissists become particularly shameless during a divorce. They accuse the other spouse of neglecting the children when the reverse is true. They hide their assets long before the formal divorce proceedings begin. They lie about their net worth so they don't have to part with alimony or child support. Some narcissists, both male and female, abandon their families all together and start new lives with more attractive, adoring and compliant partners. Leaving the previous spouse and children in a state of financial and psychological chaos is of no consequence to them. Many narcissists repeat these egregious patterns of behavior throughout their lives without shame or regret."

Many, many of you have been through this and are hurting. Some of you are hurt in other ways.

Ann Bradley

narcissisticabuse.com

I didn't know it was that bad!

I saw someone today that I hadn't seen since Feb of 2009, the month I left STBX. I had went up to her because I thought she was someone I knew. She didn't recognize me, my hair is much shorter now!

She said she and her husband miss me. The Antique shop is not the same. I miss the heck out of that place, but don't miss the memories of STBX.

She said she didn't know it was that bad!

She is happy that I left that mess and hopes I am happy now. I showed her pictures of the kiddos that I had on a Power Point that I had made up for the Healthy Mom & Baby fair, trying to drum up business for my Doula services. We went on talking for a bit more and hope to get together for dinner or something when Terry gets back into town.

It was about time to leave so we exchanged good-bye's.

I also talked briefly to one of the lovely workers about being a Survivor of Domestic Abuse and she was going to pass on my number to someone she knew that needed to talk. She gave me a HUGE hug and told me how strong and brave I was. HMMM! I thanked her for her kind words. I packed up and left.

I spent the rest of this evening pondering again, thinking and feeling like a gloomy Gus. The "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda's", clouding my mind that was filled with jumbled memories of sadness and deep regret of not telling.

Thinking about the other woman's comments about being strong. Kayne West song drumming in my head, "Stronger" with brief snippets of Destiny's Child, "Survivor".

I have had nothing but nightmares lately. I know it's because of Mediation and court that is upcoming. I am super jumpy as well. I hate that feeling!

I cringe when I hear someone yell at they're child or at their mate. I want to speak up! I want to do what I never did. I want to shout out about not harming that innocent little person or the doting wife/partner.

I remember how submissive I was/am. I look down when a man passes my way, trained to do so. Trained not to look at a male, which made it hard to do business! J, joked in the car about some man staring at me recently and she said if I were still with "Dad" he would be saying I must be having sex with that guy. I felt terrible when the words left her mouth but I know that is exactly what "He" would have accused me of. 

His words pop in my head at times:

Why are you looking at him?

Why was he looking at you?

Did you know that person? They stared long enough at you!

SLUT! Are you *ucking him?!

I look down. It will take alot of years to stop doing certain things that I do. I want to get all of that out of my head! PTSD, panic attacks, nightmares and nervousiness.

As a victim you don't tell. I knew better! The punishment for telling was very harsh but sometimes the anticipation was worse. Knowing when I got home he was going to beat me or what have you was terrible. After a time I wished he would just do it so we could go on. I brought him the belt a few times, I waited in our room with my heart racing, palms sweating, and feeling sick to my stomach. Scared he would do something to the kids instead, which was very likely to be cruel.

Am I strong? It is said our experiences shape our lives and can make or break us. I was broken for a long time. What is enough for me is different for someone else. Hitting rock bottom for someone maybe a hospital stay on life support. For another it maybe that first slap or verbal word. I can not say when is the right time for someone to leave.

It's a matter of choice.

You have to want more for yourself! You are worth so much more then He/She says! You can make it on your own. You will make it on your own.

I had "Hope". I prayed for help and to know when it was time to go. I  still have "Hope" but for a different reason. For a new start, new joys and a new life without licking my wounds or covering up anything or for anyone. I have "Hope" and pass it on to whomever needs to know they are not alone...

He watches that and I don't anymore!

Over the past week I have seen several TV shows that I just can't bring myself to watch anymore. Like House, The Simpson's, Family Guy, South Park, and a few more. The first reason I don't watch some of these shows is I find them distasteful and just wrong. Oh I have laughed and then feel terribly stupid for it later. Good clean entertainment, nah! Not so much. Second, we "HAD" to watch them. Any talking during these shows would be bad for you! The house remained quiet and still. Nervous laughing during jokes on the shows, while looking at his reaction to see if it's too loud a laugh or if it was ok to laugh.

This is just the tip of the iceberg for me of things I won't watch or do because they remind me of him.

I dislike Febreze. I can't stand the smell. To the point it makes me sick to my stomach. I bought garbage bags a few weeks back. "A" has garbage duty and she changed the bag and I smelled an all too familiar. I actually panicked. I figured it out what it was and felt so dumb for my emotions as well for the mini freakout.

I don't eat stuffed pizza, go to Pepe's, like onion rings or listen to various music because they remind me too much of him. It is almost aggravating to me that I react the way I do! Sometimes Terry/or someone else says something in a tone or in a statement that reminds me of R and I have to breath slowly. I reply, "Ok R!" Or "Thanks R". This is to let the person know that they maybe a little too close for comfort with whatever.

Things I do that I know annoyed him are:

Shop at Target!
Eat at a resturant
Laugh and be silly in public
Go where I want and when I want
Leave the TV off
Rent movies all the time! :)
I wake up in the middle of the night if I can't sleep and watch TV late night!
I have left my shoes on in the house!

Oh my gosh the list of things is endless!

It takes time to let go of these traits I have learned. Learning to trust, to feel safe, to love, to feel happiness and not worry about what comes out of my mouth.

A note from a victim

Dear J,

I am sending this to everyone in the immediate family. R included. I have no secrets, I don't tell any lies. Everyone knows I'm a pretty crappy liar. I have known your family for such a very long time! You all saw me grow into the person I am today. Stating that, I would hope you would remember that I am not vindictive, I am not hostile (accept to protect our children) and I am not an abuser. Nor will I ever go back to being R's wife. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and the postcard!

I want nothing more from R. I wanted nothing from the start. Attorney's cloud everything up because of the almighty dollar, greed is they're motto, at least that is the way it seems. I wish no harm to anyone. I want to be left alone. I don't want him to keep driving by my apartment, I don't want any text messages telling me to get back home to my place where I belong. I don't want any texts stating that M and I had some "meeting" because we didn't. I have not been alone or close to M since November 2009. I miss him terribly! The girls don't understand his change, he wanted to be out of the situation as much as they did. The night before we left I gave ALL of them a chance to say they wanted to stay. If they wanted to stay with Dad I told them that was ok. I wouldn't think badly of them or not still love them. They all chose to go. M and I will never be the same, it makes me very sad to read his messages or hear him say mean awful things (though I am not sure if they are him or really R), as it stands I can never be alone with him or R due to the threats of violence. No matter if R insists if he hasn't done it now he won't. He has a way of getting even with people years later. He can hold a grudge longer then anyone I ever knew. I'm sure Sue can attest to that.

I hope someday M and I can have a relationship again but now, R has made that impossible. M knows too many details about the divorce. I told R to place a password on his phone and change his email password or make his own profile on the computer that is password protected. Supposedly M figured all the passwords out. I don't believe that. He is welcome to call the girls anytime. I don't sit there with a recorder, I have better things to do then listen. I do oppose to getting any one of the kids upset during the conversations, that is wrong!

I have no doubt he will try to get even physically some day. Right now he may not be able to so he is using whatever means he can. The false Order of Protection against Terry can order him to leave our home. Terry luckily has several witnesses that will come to testify if needed.

Ok Devil's advocate here: Imagine your child has been told they were dead by someone. Would you then drop off your child BACK to the person that threatened them not even a half hour later? That's what Rob did. It took over a week and a half for him to file the Order of Protection. He never called the police. I asked. R will get even with me at whatever means he can for leaving him. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions of the past and present. I know what happened in our home. I have many family members on both sides that will agree that the marriage was troubled.

We do have mediation coming up, I want it finalized before the year is up. We all need to heal and to move on. That's all I want. He mentioned to the GAL he would sign his Parental Rights over. I wish he would! I don't want the hassle of visitations or child support. I don't want anything from him.

He mentioned at the last court date, besides Terry being removed from our home that he wants to split bills. We filed bankruptcy, my provisional order states taxes, home and utilities were his as of the day I left. He was responsible. He had the chance to surrender the house. He chose to keep it so "I wouldn't get half". I don't want his bills, I don't want anything from him.  Nor do I agree to pay them. So this is what will hold up any further finalization. He has no control over me anymore so he chooses to assert what he can through the legal system by lies and false accusations which need to be further investigated holding up finalizing.

Indiana is a "No fault" state. I wish to say that I have not held up the divorce. I want nothing of course, unless he chooses to "try" to force his bills on me then I will file a motion for full disclosure on everything he has and then ask for half. Regardless if he is on unemployment that is the way we will go. I know and so does many others that he gets paid cash. Trouble is that is hard to prove. I don't want to push that at all. I just want to be left alone. Feel free to dispose of anything I left there. I don't want to chance a meeting with him. Anytime I was alone with him he would try something. Take my keys from the ignition or take my purse or something personal or he would put his hands on me somehow. I don't trust him! As for me just causing trouble or trying to get him in trouble. Not my intention at all. If he wants to email or text me about M's health so be it. Otherwise I don't want to hear from him. I don't want him cruising by our apartment. I don't want him sending M to see the girls at school or for R to cruise by the girls school. I take that as a threat that the intention is to harm one of us or all of us.

He promised me long ago he would take everything he could away from me, the kids, and stuff. He couldn't buy me long ago and he still can not buy me. I wish for us to be left alone. I am happy to send you emails from him and "M" since the beginning of this year. They contain hateful messages, or messages that state that I abused him for years. HA! In some ways I wish I had stood up to him a LONG time ago. Maybe we wouldn't be in this mess. Now I have to worry about custody?! He wants custody of the girls so again he can take everything away from me. He knows I live for the kids. I know taking the kids is the only means of control he has. Making Terry leave is another. Asking for me to pay his bills again another way to control. Stating he can not reach me so he needs access to my phone, bologna! I have an email for him, I have the house phone and I have snail mail. There are means to reach me.

The sad thing is that despite me leaving him the kids have to stay, and I wanted us ALL out safe and sadly the law says he has rights to see them. I can not protect them if I am not there. I know he would tell them not to call me while I was at the shop and he would threaten them. He would threaten not to love them or tell them it was their fault if I ever left him. What sick bastard does that? These are our children! I ask again for him to put his Big Boy pants on, "Man up", become a great Dad for them and not to lay a hand on them or tell them mean things again. Take them to places, play games with them, love them and just be the man he always wanted to be.

Family Violence has Honeymoon stages please read my blog at http://www.hopewhentherewasnone.blogspot.com/, R even said himself back in 2009 that he was sorry that he did the things I mention in my blog and that they are all true! He needs to be accountable for his actions from now on. I forgave him. I want to move on. I can't get rid of the nightmares, panic attacks and jumpy feelings. I don't hate him, I hate his behavior. I wish him well. I wish him to be happy and to move on. I wish he would be a wonderful Father all the time, not just for appearances. I never cheated on him, despite it all. I had invitations, considering the lifestyle we were in. I said no. Despite it all I wanted it to work, I really did. I loved him with all my heart. He broke it so many times. After awhile I stopped believing his apologizes. Again Honeymoon phase and then it would repeat itself over and over. Like a bad fashion trend. Sorry this is so long. I hope to one day have a civil word again with you. But I know you need someone to help you out so you are listening to him and believing him. That's ok. I will always love you and B for everything you did for me! Thank you so very much! You were a Mom to me when there were times I didn't have one. We laughed, cried and had moments of craziness. Thank you for helping me and the kids. God bless. And Good bye R...

Sincerely,
Mel

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Of course I have a few messages from him, saying my note is "entrapment"?

The definition is:
A person is 'entrapped' when he is induced or persuaded by law enforcement officers or their agents to commit a crime that he had no previous intent to commit; and the law as a matter of policy forbids conviction in such a case.
However, there is no entrapment where a person is ready and willing to break the law and the Government agents merely provide what appears to be a favorable opportunity for the person to commit the crime. For example, it is not entrapment for a Government agent to pretend to be someone else and to offer, either directly or through an informer or other decoy, to engage in an unlawful transaction with the person. So, a person would not be a victim of entrapment if the person was ready, willing and able to commit the crime charged in the indictment whenever opportunity was afforded, and that Government officers or their agents did no more than offer an opportunity.
On the other hand, if the evidence leaves a reasonable doubt whether the person had any intent to commit the crime except for inducement or persuasion on the part of some Government officer or agent, then the person is not guilty.
In slightly different words: Even though someone may have [sold drugs], as charged by the government, if it was the result of entrapment then he is not guilty. Government agents entrapped him if three things occurred:
- First, the idea for committing the crime came from the government agents and not from the person accused of the crime.
- Second, the government agents then persuaded or talked the person into committing the crime. Simply giving him the opportunity to commit the crime is not the same as persuading him to commit the crime.
- And third, the person was not ready and willing to commit the crime before the government agents spoke with him.
On the issue of entrapment the government must prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant was not entrapped by government agents.

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I am thinking that maybe he needs to stop throwing big words around unless he knows the definition!