What is Trauma Bonding?

A victim may feel powerless to leave. They make you feel empathy for them. They may even feel they can't live without this person. 

This can also be called, “Stockholm Syndrome” in an abusive relationship. It can be formed quickly and last even after a relationship has been severed. (Find the video for this here- What is Trauma Bonding?)

There can be times of love, tenderness, and then cruelty. The victim can have a paralyzing fear and feel helpless. The abuser isolates the victim slowly convincing them that they are the only one they can trust or they are the only one they can trust. This can make “no contact orders” hard to keep. Victims may no longer trust their instincts.

There can be a “Honeymoon stage” of a happy relationship, then a build-up of things that “go wrong” which can explode into jealousy, rage, bitterness, and then apologies from the abuser. With the cycle starting all over again.

You may create coping skills to deal with your situation. Your identity, self-worth, and your own needs may get lost during this relationship.

The abuser may attempt to control or mold the

victim, they may showering them with gifts, a hug, promising to listen to the victims concerns or to reward the victim because they did as they were told.

Can use sex as a punishment, could be highly addicted to sexual or does not respect No means no!

How do you know if you are in a Trauma bonded relationship?

You can feel powerless or stuck but try to make the best of your situation.

There are times when you don't love/like or want to be with the abuser but don't feel that you can leave.

You may feel that you don't deserve better, no one will want you, feel inferior, you may begin self-destructive behavior, prostitution (With the belief that's all your good for), self-harm, or that you somehow should be punished or mistreated by a person.

You may promise you won't do whatever it was that set the abuser off.

You may rationalize that your partner isn't always this way. Or they are only this way when they drink, use drugs, have little to no money, or if they hang out with certain people.

You may feel you can change the person, or if you have a baby things will change, if you get married things will change, or if you get a better job you won't argue about money.

You overlook the bad in the person because of all the “good” they do. For example, they help or are active in church or the community.

Your family or friends have confided they believe you need to break it off with this person but, you defend the relationship.

You physically feel sick thinking about leaving or that you may die if you leave. That you can't live without them.

The other person lets you down or doesn't support your dreams, thoughts, or ideas. Toxic people threaten to sue or to change custody or child support if you don't comply or listen to whatever is irking them at that moment.

Can you heal from this toxic relationship? Yes, you can! How?

1. Go no contact! This may mean you have another person check messages or voice mail messages. If you have to co-parent drop off and pick-up children in a public spot. Don't engage your abuser! If this doesn't work stick to the facts ignore heated words or exchanges. Don't respond! Abusers don't listen to boundaries so it is up to you to make sure you protect yourself by stopping harassing or abusive messages.

2. Be careful during family get-togethers, school, or holiday gatherings. Even if your children or family want you to make an appearance explain the best you can and try to avoid the situation if at all possible.

3. Let your boss, school, or medical staff know what is going on. Your abuser may try to get you fired from your place of employment, paint you as the aggressor, lie about things that happened between the two of you or worse.

4. It can be hard not to let your mind and heart wander to the past. But, remember a healthy relationship doesn't make you feel unworthy or belittled. Consider jotting down the reasons you left your relationship and look it over anytime you feel like going back.

5. Start trusting your instincts again! If you feel off about a person or situation trust yourself to take things cautiously. If you are starting a new romance or relationship don't leave your children or furbabies alone with this person until you can truly feel that you trust them. It may take time for this to happen and trust the instincts of your children and or if your pet doesn't like this person. Introduce this new person slowly.

6. Slowly rebuild your life again. This may mean you move to an entirely new place, let go of old friends or family, find a new job. Take every day with small steps. What did you want to be when you “grew up”? What are your favorite hobbies? What have you always wanted to do? Or where did you always want to go? Join a health club, or start walking. Exercise is helpful when you are healing. It sends good vibes to your body and can increase good endorphins to your brain and the rest of you! This is a great stress reliever! You don't have to sign up for a marathon or hot Yoga. Start slow!

7. Start journaling your thoughts and feelings, let the tears flow, cry or scream if you need to. You don't have to keep this you can tear it up or save it to use for legal purposes. When you are going through a traumatic relationship you may forget things. This is our bodies why of protecting us! It's normal and natural. Don't be hard on yourself for not remembering things.

8. Talk to a supportive friend or counselor about your past. Learn new patterns to help you overcome any issues with trust, boundaries, taking steps to heal, or coping skills to help with PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, or other health issues.

9. Listen to uplifting and positive music, podcasts, reading good books, or movies. Do some soul work with digging into your Bible/Torah/etc... Do affirmations, mirror work, grounding, or meditation.

10. Believe in yourself! Don't be surprised if after time health problems lessen or go away!

One last thing how do you know what's a healthy relationship?

Someone that says, “I understand.” or “I hear your concerns, I love you.” (No strings attached) and the words align with actions, there is mutual trust, has boundaries and respects yours, no hidden agenda, open communication gives partners time to grow, heal and evolve.

I hope these help! Don't hesitate to message me privately if you need to talk. 

Stay safe and BIG HUGS!

Mel

Green flags to be thankful for in a relationship

No relationship is perfect but there are some things to keep an eye out for when starting or thinking about a current relationship you are in this could be with an intimate partner, family member, friend, or co-worker.

1. This person takes responsibility for their own actions.

2. Support things you want to do or pursue.

3. Practice self-care.

4. Are reflective on their life or situations.

5. They have long-standing healthy friendships.

6. Empathy towards others.

7. You can be vulnerable around this person or they are vulnerable.

8. They are spiritual and don't mock your spirituality.

9. Self-sufficient- They can take care of themselves, appointments, and needs.

10. Communicate openly with no judgment.

11. Has hobbies and is encouraging for you to pursue your own or to join in with their interests.

12. Respects and honors your boundaries.

13. Are affectionate with you.

14. Takes interests in the thing you like to do.

15. Supportive and positive about you even when you aren't feeling that way.

16. Has a great sense of humor and can laugh at themselves. They don't put you down.

17. Can help out financially if they need to with no strings or without being asked.

18. A good listener and communicator.

19. Has fun!

20. Accepts your past without being critical.

21. Doesn't compare you to others.

22. Respects your need for alone time.

23. Allows and encourages you to have a career.

24. Respects your children.

25. Knows they aren't the center of the universe.

26. They are mature.

27. They have confidence in themselves without being cocky.

28. Fits in no matter what the situation or environment they are in.

29. Admit when they make mistakes.

30. Shares in chores or tasks around the house.

31. Enjoys quiet time and encourages you to do the same.

32. Willing to deal with the ups and downs in a relationship.

I hope these help you evaluate a questionable relationship you have or maybe even to evaluate "YOUR" behavior in relationships. If you or someone you know is in a toxic relationship there is hope and help. Message me privately for info on services in your area. I have a private FB group for women only that are victims/Survivors of abuse and it can be found here- Hope when there was none group.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Kids, Social skills and abuse

OK, so you bucked up, left Mr/Ms abuser. Now what?

Your nose and eyes are red, drippy and there feels as though there is no more tears that can possibly leave your eyeballs. You may have overflowing trash cans filled with wadded up tissues. You have used so many that you resort to toilet paper. Dishes in the sink, house a mess and if you have kids they may also be in disarray.

Your voice mail maybe over full with messages spouting apologizes, more promises of change and forgiveness. Perhaps you may even find a delivery of flowers on your doorstep! (Take them to the nearest nursing/Veteran home they LOVE these! Seriously!)

STOP!

If you have children, you are not alone in your misery and feelings. You aren't the only one that lost or left a broken relationship. Dig yourself away from bed or the house and talk to your kids. This is not only a confusing time for you but for them as well.

As time goes on there needs to be healing for all of you. While you may get the luxury of only dealing with your abuser at court or visitation, your child may have to see the abuser. Just because you leave doesn't mean your abuser stops being an ass. He/she may redirect abuse to your child. Playing mind games. "Don't tell Mom/Dad" or "It's a secret". The child may be confused, scared and not sure who to trust. Studies show that boys do side with the male and vice versa with girls of abuse.  I mentioned many times about leaving a paper trail, this doesn't end once your separated. Keep a log/diary/journal of how the visit with Mom/Dad went. Look at body language, attitude or for physical marks. I'm not saying every mark on your child is due to your ex- growing kids do have many boo-boo's. Note strange or out of place marks. If they are bad take pictures and report them to police!

If you notice your child suddenly not wanting to see your ex, try to piece together why. Perhaps your child that is potty trained starts wetting the bed or behavior seems out of the norm after a visitation notate, ask the child or siblings if they know something. Or as a friend that is also a Survivor did, ask them to talk to Pastor or someone they feel safe to talk to.

During the healing process you may notice changes in your child's behavior. Your once outgoing child may seem withdrawn or may suddenly not want friends. Favorite foods may become hated out of the blue. Sudden emotional outbursts are not uncommon.

I am currently dealing with 2 beautiful children (my own) that have developed phobias, socialization issues and an aversion about talking about past abuse. If you can find services in your area that offers counseling for abuse please take advantage! Breaking the pattern of abuse needs to stop with you! Help yourself and your child by joining a support group or seeking counseling.

Build up your child with positive words. Even when you feel like hiding from everything and everyone, remember you are not alone! Goggle or Pinterest social skills or interpersonal skills, great for the kids and you too!

Be safe! Stay strong and remember that ANY type of abuse is NOT love. Your not alone in your struggle. I'm cheering for you!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

When will the madness end?

I'm mulitasking, sitting on my favorite chair, sipping on coffee, watching FOX News (Not the IL news channel), blogging about things that seem surreal that happen in my life. Reminded of memories of a life from almost 3 years ago where I lived stepping on eggshells daily. Never knowing if the day would take a turn for the worse or be a calm one. Even with a calm day you wait for the other shoe to drop and dread something that sets off my Gaslighter (NARC, Psychopath, Abuser, whatever you want to call him they are all appropiate.)

Sunday, I planned on heading to church, I have been lax in going lately and really felt we needed to go. Starting the day as usual above, oh I may get crazy and exercise (last week I took it off working out as my parts still are hurting from the Turkey Run adventure a few weeks back. Sorry rambling...)

STBX begins to text me, they start off nice (Surprise surprise!) Asking how I am doing, do I want to meet for coffee (Oh, yes I really want to put myself in front of the bear!) I did say No, of course that set off a firestorm of messages that I am his and since his GF left him it's my fault and unless she comes back to him I he will come get me! Also to get "Him" out so he can come over. (Him is Terry)

Oh, and he has to drop off his GF first, HUH?

He goes on and on... He hasn't changed. I wonder if the Anger Management classes went well. That is sarcasm. Sounds like the same behavior pattern from before.

Then a string of messages from our Son, which I doubt this, more like Psycho's other personality. I was still worried about many threats in the messages, so, I got A. up, J. was staying at her friends house, I texted Terry to say we were going to my Mom's and called my Sister, Mandy, to tell what was up, she said just go to Mom's (Great minds think alike). 

Terry asked what was going on. I told him R., was at it again. He called me not even 15 seconds later alarmed and knowing that my brain goes to panic mode immediately when I deal with Crazy Man. I was running around like a chicken without a head.

Terry asked if I phone the police and I whined, "No, what does it matter, they aren't going to do anything." He replied, Honey, Honey, calm down. Now what's going on? You know you need to document everytime this *%$#! pulls this kind of *#&%! He is not supposed to be texting or talking to you, per the court. Everything is through his attorney! So, call the police, as to be escorted to your car to be safe and see if you can file a police report.

He was reminding me to calm down, by this time I think he was more worked up then I! See, he is still away for work and can't just be home in a few minutes. I could picture him on the other end of the phone pacing like a Lion! I could hear the worry in his voice, which wasn't calming me down by now. I squashed the panic attack down, as now is not the time to have to deal with that! All the while I am getting dings on my phone about another text message. There ended up being 12 text messages, nasty and mean. One stating M., is going to beat Terry up until he can't walk or see, if he ever see's him. One that says I abused him and another that said, I was the one sleeping around with others and that's how we got diseased. Terry and I talked for a few more minutes and then I did as we discussed.

The police came in no time, I talked to a close person and told her the situation so she can keep an eye on our place if she was around the area. The police showed up while I was speaking to her. He took my statement, and watched as the kids and I piled in the car. On the way I left a message with Crazy Man's attorney, and I later emailed the GAL some alarming emails sent to my Sister, Mandy, later that day. Oh, yes the crazy messages were from time to time throughout the day. Cruel, mean and crazy ramblings. Enough for me not to sleep too well. I am still jumpy!

I stayed away from home almost all day yestreday, my friend called me to tell me she noticed an unmarked squad car sitting in the parking lot for quite sometime, which makes me wonder if they are going to finally take his threats seriously! So when does this end? With me missing or found a hot mess somewhere? Oh I will not go down without a fight this time. But I don't wish it to take that turn. I just want it over. I would love the judge to say, "OK, your divorced!" Then maybe Crazy Man will get the picture. I have no doubt he will be a thorn in my side for a long time. I am counting the years that I have to continue to deal with him! 6 if I'm lucky, longer if they go to college.

Maybe... Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray that we remain safe and for an end to our seemingly never ending divorce. I'm so desparate for closure to the divorce. I do not wish for any harm to anyone. I wish for him to realize I'm not coming back to him ever.

The Nice Girl Syndrome

I was at Borders, my favorite book store and yes I am sad to see they are closing! I was checking out the bare bones bookshelf and found "The Nice Girl Syndrome" by Beverly Engel, 10 steps to empowering yourself and ending abuse. Stop being Manipulated and Abused- and start Standing up for Yourself.

WOW! That's me! The back says:

Are you too nice for your own good? Do family members manipulate you? Do co-workers take advantage of you? If this sounds familiar read, The Nice Girl Syndrome.

It talks about those women that become targets or that are more likely to become victimized emotionally, physically and sexually. It shows you tips and how-to's on empowering yourself to break free of these patterns!

Oh! This is for me! I have of course a bookshelf filled with self helps on this that or the other, but for some reason this one screamed out at me. Ok maybe it was the cool picture on the cover, the shoes are adorable!

I know I'm a nice girl. I have been told repeatedly that I'm "too nice". I let people walk all over me and this is not a new thing. I back down from confrontations, I hate to start arguements or to get involved in a fight and am usually the first to walk away.

So over the next few weeks I am giving myself homework from my bookshelf! I'll start out with this book and take you through the next couple of months learning with me about how to break free of the bondage of abuse or to just raise your self esteem. Heaven knows I need all I can get!

So are you ready? Let's go!

Reactive Abuse

Escape Abuse!

“…stop making out people to be evil if they fight back. Or run away. As in divorce. You cannot force people to submit to abuse. That is the Sin of Sodom, otherwise known as making someone bend over for it. It violates the Laws of Nature. And common sense.” - Kathy Krajco
http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=118
Dedicated to Anyone Who Has Ever Been in an Abusive Relationship

« Why Couples Counseling in Abusive Relationships Doesn't Work

Personal Responsibility »

Let's Talk About Reactive Abuse

Feb 8th, 2008 by admin

"...stop making out people to be evil if they fight back. Or run away. As in divorce. You cannot force people to submit to abuse. That is the Sin of Sodom, otherwise known as making someone bend over for it. It violates the Laws of Nature. And common sense." - Kathy Krajco

If you've ever been in an abusive relationship like I have, it's likely your abuser tried to convince you that YOU are the abusive one: that YOU have PMS (a favorite accusation of male partners), YOU are over-reacting, YOU are the crazy one, that YOU are responsible for all the issues in the relationship, that YOU are the "time-bomb" that explodes on a regular basis. My ex-abuser even called me "Time Bomb" and mocked me about my reactions and responses to his constant abuse during the last 3-3.5 years of our relationship.
It's a pretty safe assumption that if you're getting this type of constant blame, mockery, and guilting from a partner in response to any and all issues that arise, you're in an abusive relationship.
As for your partner's assertion, yes - you may have sent angry emails or yelled or slammed doors or called names. So your abuser claims YOU were abusing him/her.
But it's more likely you were REACTING to being abused by your partner. What can make it even more difficult for you to see and understand at this point is that some of their abuse may be subtle and covert rather than obvious and overt. This causes further difficulty for you in identifying the abuse - and makes it easier for your abuser to convince you that it's all your fault, or the problem is really with YOU - that you're "crazy", or "imagining things".
They'll abuse you, and when you react to that abuse, they accuse YOU of abusing THEM and they play the victim role. They don't call it "crazymaking" for nothing!
This is the stage at which an abused partner often describes as being in the "fog" of abuse. Their abusive partner has guilted them in to accepting ALL blame for the issues in the relationship, and caused them to doubt their own perceptions of the mistreatment they're receiving.
It's not at all unusual for a person in an abusive relationship to REACT abusively. This does not mean YOU are the abuser, that you are crazy, have PMS etc. etc. - though the abusive partner will try to convince you that YOU are THE problem and will often succeed in guilting you into believing it. I believed it for a LONG time before I began to recognize and question the pattern of abuse and the subsequent constant blame for the abuse, and worse, the ensuing mockery because I dared respond at all to having been hurt by it.
An interesting thing to note is that an abusive partner will often be very calm when you are upset and angry. This is because when they have finally succeeded in causing your reaction of hurt, upset or anger, then THEY are in power and control over you. THIS is what abuse is about: POWER and CONTROL. And like a drug addict, they get a lot of satisfaction out of that feeling of power and control. Abusers are very disordered people in this way.
The important thing for you to know is that this relationship and this person is toxic, unhealthy, and you need to get out of it and away from this person ASAP. They are emotional vampires, sucking away from you every iota of self-esteem and spirit you ever had. (then they will complain when you have none!)
If someone can drive you to be so upset on a regular basis (and abusers are experts at this - it gives them the sense of superiority, power and control they absolutely LIVE for) then the best thing to do is GET OUT and have NO FURTHER contact with that toxic person, if it is possible for you to do so.

The thing with abusers is that they are pathologically backwards people.
Lundy Bancroft touches on this in his book. Abusive, toxic people only consider and notice THEIR own feelings and their partner's behavior. They never, EVER consider or notice their PARTNER'S FEELINGS and their own behavior.
When they're abusive, (verbally, emotionally, sexually, physically, financially - covertly or overtly) it is always someone else's fault. When their partner/victim finally reacts to that abuse with anger or upset at having been abused - then that is their partner/victim's fault too.
In their minds, it never gets down to their OWN behavior and how it affects their partner's feelings. They like to pretend that isn't relevant, or anything they should ever be responsible for. They ALWAYS lack empathy for their partners (beyond the early "romance" stages when they're trying to pull you in). This lack of empathy is the mark of the beast of abuse - more than anything else.
Here's some information that may also help explain this "reactive abuse" concept a little more:
How do you know that you are not the one who is crazy or PMS'ing and that he is really emotionally abusive?

Answer

You are being abused if:
(1) He repeats a certain behavior (ie: pattern of behavior)
(2) You asked him to stop (for whatever reason).
(3) He refuses and continues to behave the way he has.
You may well be abusing him - but that does not mean that he is not being abusive towards you. Both parties are sometimes abusive towards each other.
People who are abusers rarely consider that they might be abusive. Even if the stresses of the relationship lead into what might be considered reactive abuse, anyone who honestly tries to adjust to the other person's actual needs, actively listens to the other person, and makes every attempt to stop such behavior, probably is not an abuser.
Abusers do not take responsibility for their own behavior, and in fact often blame the person they're abusing for it. When the abused person reacts to the abuse, the abuser claims their reaction is abuse, and will use guilt to try to get their partner to feel responsible for the abuser's behavior.
This is one of the reasons getting away from an abuser is so important. Everything clarifies then.

God's Free Will

No matter how hard try you can not just "will" thoughts, feeling, emotions, behavior on someone. The decisions that person make is theyre own. Everyone was given the gift of "Free will", this allows us to make choices that may not be for our benefit or very pretty!

Though I try or pray, I know that I can not just think that person into better behavior or a better relationship. People are who they are. Changing someone to fit your needs is not a good choice. You may end up with a fight or struggle on your hands!

I prayed desparately for changing loved ones and realize I can not do this. I give it to God to change they're hearts or behavior patterns. He alone can do that. He alone can work in the hearts of those I love. It may not be for me! It may not end up with a happy scenerio in the end. No warm fuzzy or tears. All one can do is keep hope, give it to God to take off your shoulders.

Ok, maybe I do end up in the corner rocking slowly hugging my legs or perhaps I'm just weepy and snot faced much of the time or maybe I stuff my face full of something tasty to ease my burden. I do not get any satisfaction from these things. I do not get satisfaction talking it over with family or friends because, as kindly as they listen, they are not in my shoes. I appreciate and love them to death for listening to me ramble and whine but they can only do so much.

I hate sounding like a broken record!

I don't like myself for allowing myself to feel sorry for me. At least that is what someone said recently. It shut me up in a heartbeat! Of course STBX said things similar about me feeling sorry and what do I have to be worried or upset about? My life isn't hard? WAH! That was the tone. I felt so crappy but on the other hand, perhaps I do need to harden myself more. I'm not sure.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, those close to me know in a split second something is wrong with me by just a glance. Dang my emotions! GRRFACE!

And dang "Free will"! If he would just do this or do that! Or if he would have just seen what this or that did to me by hurting me emotionally or whatever...

I too have "Free will"! I can change my circumstances. I can change who I am by reprogramming me to love me. To find in myself something more to be proud of!

I am starting to love me. I am learning to run by the mirrors really quick before I catch myself in the mirror so I don't start critiquing myself, which ends up with me not liking that woman in the mirror again.

I have "Free will", to love and be loved, to make choices that I see better for me. And though they may not fit in with whoever's grand plan, in the long run, I'm the one that matters. It's my path and I can choose how to live it.

"Free will..." Gotta love it!

Infidelity and my Gaslighter

After reading much on the subject of Abuse, I have found the majority have sex addictions or infidelity issues from time to time. A phone number, online porn, or a bj doesn't mean they cheated right? I'm not sure if that is a warped sense of morals or if it's just a male thing to think it's ok to do these things. Sex is sex? No kissing doesn't mean it's deep right? Or just because you didn't snuggle with the person doesn't mean it's cheating? Or maybe oral sex is ok to do! What trust do you violate when you do that?

Men have a hard time with fidelity issues. I do not make any excuse for them whatsoever. But there is such a thing as trying. Trying not to look at porn or checking out some random chick or Hey making out with someone isn't cheating. Now hold on! Am I right or wrong?

Bringing home a disease to your loved one is not cool. Cheating on your loved one, no matter which act you are choosing, whether in your mind thru fantasy or oral sex with some stranger. You are cheating real love, and if you have kids you are cheating them.

Children can learn about love from Mom and Dad. Violence, relationships with others, intimacy with a loved one, they see it all! When they are old enough they can learn that hey Mom/Dad do it, then it must be ok.

"Hey! That thing that's beating on the floor? Yea, that's my heart you didn't step on it hard enough" I am not sure what part of a relationship normal or with an Abuser is worse, knowing he/she is stepping out or knowing they are. Getting sloppy seconds or finding out that your mate is filling the time with others. It's all rotten! It's all stinks and it all is something to add to the ever growing list of crap in your life that you have to tackle.

I'm not one of those women that can turn the other cheek anymore. STBX wanted several wives, we actually looked into becoming Mormon. He thought that would justify his sick views on relationships. HMMM! What did it get us? Not only did that further break our relationship it caused us to get infected with a STD. Luckily it's HSV2 and not HIV or HPV. Not that that it's lucky to get an STD but I am thankful it is one treatable and the symtoms can lessen a bit. It helps if you don't have too much stress in your life, you eat right, exercise and keep healthy.

There is no excuse for any of the behaviors from Abusers. None of it is ok whether it is the hitting, infidelity,drug/alocohol abuse, the excuses, the promises of change. Of course finding a real relationship after you have been abused can be tricky! Find yourself again, don't be so quick to jump into the next relationship! If there is one thing I should have listened to was this. I won't change it, I'm happy with Mr. Wonderful, but I can see how it could have been not so pretty if he wasn't so wonderful.  I've seen many woman fall into the same pattern of abuse with the next guy and the next guy and so on and so on...

Do things you love to do!

Make a list of 25 things you always wanted to do and do them! Cooking? Learning to sew? Building something or volunteering for an organization! Now it's time to get your life back! Stay single for a bit. Enjoy getting to know you again.

Don't pine or wait for the next guy... Sex? It won't kill you to be without it, honest! Don't be one of those women that have the "2 year crazies" after they have broken up/divorced they're partner.

Will the next guy be a cheater? You will have trust issues! I can guarantee it! You will look at his mail or check out his phone. You will pepper him with questions about where he is. Even if the next guy doesn't take a swing at you, there will be suspicions or even wondering on your part. It's a hard habit to break! It's one of the many things that take getting used to NOT doing when you find a real relationship. Not every guy will hit you, not everyone will cheat or be a substance abuser. Take time, read, talk to a counselor, find a divorce support group. Or find a group online! Cafemom is a great place to start! It's free and there are a ton of boards on there with a variety of topics.

No pity please

Life is about making choices, choosing your path and climbing mountains on the road of life. We pick and choose what we want our reality to be. Choices are plentiful! Where we choose to go is totally up to us. Sometimes we are blinded by obstacles on our path, which leads us to take a different way that is not always the best way to go. Taking the long road can because it seems smoother or there aren't too many curves in the road may seem to be the best way to go. But darn those pot holes!

Looking back I see the choices I had, since this has came to be, I can see clearer. I have that old song ringing in my head right now~ I can see clearer now the rain is gone! I can see all the obstacles in my wayyyy!!! Ok, terribly off key! You get the picture. I hear alot of "I'm sorry", or "that's terrible" and that is fine, I figure people don't know exactly what to say when they hear my story. I don't want pity though, I chose my path and I knew in some ways what I was getting into. I talked my way out of leaving so many times, believing he would change and Lord knows I prayed constantly for our marriage. I do appreciate any concerns so don't get me wrong. I just don't want anyone feeling sorry for me.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? I don't feel very strong, though I do get that comment alot. I feel if I were stronger I would have left a long time before getting married. I don't feel very strong inside.

I totally blew past signs and warning lights on my path. I stubbornly pressed forward with my foot on the pedal ignoring or brushing off things that came up. I should have paused and thought more closely. If I could tell my younger self these things how would my life be? Since I can not do that and I have beautiful children, I would not do over now. Then maybe, but knowing what I know now? No. But I can change my future!

I can pause and not be that punching bag, not be that woman that takes insults and harbors hurt in my heart. I am getting to a point where I can feel comfortable in stating when I am upset or hurt or angry. It's not immediately, but after a few days I feel I can let go of these feelings without any regret or concern of reprecussions from what I said. Or to worry that things I said will be later thrown in my face.

I sometimes have to cringe inside when I hear people use tones that remind me of him. Or words or small things that remind me of him. I am still jumpy, I am still hesitant and cautious, I am still afraid and I am still worried about if I'm doing things wrong or correctly. I give myself a hard time if I don't remember to do things. And I believe "I" am my worst enemy now because of old habits that I try to break.

I am going about cleaning my house inside my brain and with my emotions, trying to find the woman I once was, knowing she is in here somewhere. She comes out every once in a while, like a timid deer that is caught in head lights. I know there is a huge part of me that just wants to be loved, not unlike more then half the population in the world. Unconditionally, no strings, just loved for me and who I am. Not trying to make me into something or someone I am not. I'm no trophy and I am very hard on myself with my looks. I don't like looking in the mirror and over the past year and a half I don't like my picture taken. I'm not sure why. I can be a total ham and goober. I critize myself way too much. I see me as he saw me.

My self image is so raw and unkind. "Who I am hates who I've been" by Relient K is a song that reminds me that I might have prayed for my old sins to be gone and my sins of the past to be washed away but the things I have done still linger like my daughters stinky shoes!

Much of my day I do think about where I have been, what I did, how I could have changed it and how I am choosing not to make the same mistakes again. History does have a way of repeating, but why stay in history? Breaking free of my old life with my Gaslighter was the best thing I did for us and for me!

STBX claims I am selfish for what I have done. I don't see that, I see it as a freedom from chaos. A chance to start again with a renewed wisdom and to spread my wings to learn to fly! To do things, see things, try things I never did and not be that girl in the corner with her arms wrapped around her so tightly that I swear my circulation cut off several times. Crying until my eyes were dry and hurt. Feeling numb and trying not to throw up when my partner showed his apologizes. I don't have to live with false smiles or sadness for what I choose now. I can choose on my own, if I make the wrong decision then shame on me. I will brush myself off and get back on my path.

I can stop and smell the flowers along the way
I can stop and run off to a off the beaten track roadside attraction
I can stop and just breath while looking at the sun
I can stop and close my eyes so I can daydream
I can live as though it were the last days in my life and love as though tomorrow was never going to come.
I can laugh for no reason at all
I can find me again and learn to love me
I can find joy in silly things
I can eat a pound of chocolate if I want
I can veg out on the couch and watch old movies with a box of tissue
I can go to sleep when I want
I can go where I want and come home when I want
I can see who I want to see
I can call who I want to
I can be late without anyone accusing me of cheating
I can call a man or correspond with a man without any doubts he is just a friend
I can go to school events without being timed
I can volunteer to do whatever I like
I can use glitter!
I have the freedom I longed for
I can buy flowers for me and not worry that anyone will think they were from somebody else!

I don't have money, I don't have a stash of cash, I don't have fancy clothes or the latest gadgets (though Mr. Wonderful did give me lovely new crockpot just because!), I don't have a fancy car (technically mine died so I don't have one), I don't have new stuff and I'm happy that way.

I don't have to be bought. I love thrift stores and garage sales (which I can take my time at looking through now and don't have to hear how the other people are racing us to get to the next one)! I don't have to have the house clean top to bottom! It's been ages since I have done a whole place clean.

My first thing I did when I got my place was to mess up the shelves in the kitchen. I balled up towels, left dishes in the sink. I left things around the house messy. Ok I admit I was never the neatest person to begin with. But I don't have to do anything that sends me in a panic before my Mr. Wonderful comes home. It's a nice change of pace. If things don't get done, they don't get done, no worries and that's a wonderful thing!

No it's not perfect but I can breath so much easier then I did in the past. I have learned to let go and that it's ok if things are not done to perfection. It is what it is... My path is still before me. I can either take the road that is smooth and paved or the one that winds a bit with some potholes. I'll take that one...

Choose your path and where you want to go. Are you happy with where the road you are on? Are you just traveling around not stopping because you don't want to make waves? Find your happiness! If you don't like the driver kick him out and drive alone! If you have mini passengers with you, think about what kind of path do you want for them? The same type of ride or can you give them a choice for a better life? One that is not filled with insecurity, fighting, hurt or sadness. Buckle up! Enjoy the ride and if you see me along the way I'm up for a good spin!

Signs of Abuse and Abusive relationships

From: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

Domestic Violence and Abuse

Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of size, gender, or strength, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.
Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, don’t hesitate to reach out. There is help available.

In This Article:

• Understanding domestic violence and abuse
• Signs of an abusive relationship
• Physical abuse and violence
• Emotional abuse
• Abusive behavior is a choice
• The cycle of violence
• Recognizing the warning signs
• Speak up if you suspect abuse
• Related links

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Understanding domestic violence and abuse

Women don’t have to live in fear:

• In the U.S., call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
• UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
• Canada: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-363-9010
• Australia: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800 200 526
• Or visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a worldwide list of helplines, shelters, and crisis centers.

Male victims of abuse can call:

In the US, The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women specializes in supporting male victims of abuse and offers a 24-hour helpline: 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754)
UK: ManKind Initiative offers a national helpline at 01823 334244.
Australia: One in Three Campaign offers help and resources for male victims.

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.

Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings	Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you: feel afraid of your partner much of the time? avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner? believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? wonder if you’re the one who is crazy? feel emotionally numb or helpless?	Does your partner: humiliate or yell at you? criticize you and put you down? treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? blame you for his own abusive behavior? see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats	Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner: have a bad and unpredictable temper? hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?  threaten to take your children away or harm them? threaten to commit suicide if you leave? force you to have sex? destroy your belongings?	Does your partner: act excessively jealous and possessive? control where you go or what you do? keep you from seeing your friends or family? limit your access to money, the phone, or the car? constantly check up on you?

Physical abuse and domestic violence

When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.

Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse

Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

It Is Still Abuse If . . .

• The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.
• The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.
• The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!
• There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.

Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska (PDF)

Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you think

When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want. 

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.

 

Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse

Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:

• Restricting you to an allowance.
• Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
• Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
• Stealing from you or taking your money.

Violent and abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

• Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
• Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
• Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
• Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
• Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
• Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Abusers are able to control their behavior—they do it all the time.

• Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
• Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
• Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
• Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

• Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
• Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
• Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
• "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
• Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
• Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.
• Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.
  

  The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example

  A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.
  Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

  Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse

  It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of emotional abuse and domestic violence. If you witness any warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.
  

  General warning signs of domestic abuse

  People who are being abused may:
  
  • Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.
  • Go along with everything their partner says and does.
  • Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing.
  • Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.
  • Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.

  Warning signs of physical violence

  People who are being physically abused may:
  
  • Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents.”
  • Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.
  • Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).

  Warning signs of isolation

  People who are being isolated by their abuser may:
  
  • Be restricted from seeing family and friends.
  • Rarely go out in public without their partner.
  • Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.

  The psychological warning signs of abuse

  People who are being abused may:
  
  • Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.
  • Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn).
  • Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.

  Speak up if you suspect domestic violence or abuse

  If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If you’re hesitating—telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong, or the person might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save his or her life.
  

  Do's and Don't's

  Do:
  

  • Ask if something is wrong.
  • Express concern.
  • Listen and validate.
  • Offer help.
  • Support his or her decisions.

  Don’t:
  

  • Wait for him or her to come to you.
  • Judge or blame.
  • Pressure him or her.
  • Give advice.
  • Place conditions on your support.

  
  Adapted from NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence
  Talk to the person in private and let him or her know that you’re concerned. Point out the things you’ve noticed that make you worried. Tell the person that you’re there, whenever he or she feels ready to talk. Reassure the person that you’ll keep whatever is said between the two of you, and let him or her know that you’ll help in any way you can.
  Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.

YOUR Pesonal BIll of Rights!

I saw this reposted from Veronica Cafemom and immediately thought to myself it sounds like "ME!" It is a friendly reminder that I am safe now, I am in a place where I don't have to feel like any of these things worry me any longer. I still have many issues to work on but for the most part I am safe.

If you can relate to any of these things in your relationship right now, then you need to think about your relationship and if you want to continue to live this way with that person for the rest of your life.

You need to decide if you want the pattern of abuse to continue in your children's future relationships (if you have kids). If you can't leave for you, leave and get to safety for them!

I know the excuses. I know because I have been there. I lived it. No, the abuse does not end after you slam to door or file for divorce. In most cases it does continue. Many months after you stay away you realize that those events weren't in your head. You weren't crazy! If you have physical ailments do not be surprised if they either vanish or lessen. Stress does wonders to a body!

Be prepared for your STBX to try any tactics he can to either get you back or get even with you!
He will make false accusations
He will tell others it was your fault
He will tell others "YOU" were abusing him or the kids
He will say "HE" is the victim
He will not leave any of it alone
He will not just go away overnight
He will continue to make your life hell because he believes you need to pay!

You HAVE to be strong!
You HAVE to know you are NOT alone!
You HAVE to want more for you and your children!
You HAVE to know for yourself when enough is enough!
You HAVE to know that excuses to stay (No money, place to live, he will kill you or the kids, etc...) is not an excuse to keep living the way you are!
You CAN DO IT!
You CAN are a empowered person that deserves MORE!
YOU ARE WORTHY! Despite all the negative words he has been drilling in your head!
YOU ARE LOVEABLE!

Be STRONG and stay safe! Make a safety plan, get out, STAY OUT and be FREE! Take the first step of FAITH, go ahead and leap. Close your eyes if you have to, but jump, for your children and for you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOUR PERSONAL "BILL OF RIGHTS"
YOU have the RIGHT to be YOU.
YOU have the RIGHT to put YOURSELF first.
YOU have the RIGHT to be SAFE.
YOU have the RIGHT to LOVE and be LOVED.
YOU have the RIGHT to be TREATED with RESPECT.
YOU have the RIGHT to be HUMAN ---- not PERFECT.
YOU have the RIGHT to be ANGRY and PROTEST if you are treated UNFAIRLY or ABUSIVELY by anyone.
YOU have the RIGHT to your own PRIVACY.
YOU have the RIGHT to have your own OPINIONS, to EXPRESS them, and to be taken SERIOUSLY.
YOU have the RIGHT to EARN and CONTROL your OWN money.
YOU have the RIGHT to ASK QUESTIONS about ANYTHING that affects YOUR LIFE.
YOU have the RIGHT to make DECISIONS that affect YOU.
YOU have the RIGHT to GROW and CHANGE, and this includes changing your MIND.
YOU have the RIGHT to say NO.
YOU have the RIGHT to MAKE MISTAKES.
YOU have the RIGHT NOT to be RESPONSIBLE for other adults' problems.
YOU have the RIGHT not to be LIKED by everyone.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CONTROL YOUR OWN LIFE AND TO CHANGE IT IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH IT AS IT IS.

A List of Rights Commonly Forgotten By Victims of DA/DV

A List of Rights Commonly Forgotten by Victims of Domestic Violence:

You have the right:  to joy,
to a life without any abuse,
to make your own decisions about your future,
to be human and to make mistakes,
to change your mind, plans, and goals,
to laugh,
to sleep the whole night through,
to eat what you want when you want,
to visit with family and friends,
to privacy, 
to be treated with respect,
to not hide the actions of another (the guilt doesn't belong to you),
to go where you need and want to go,
to love to do what you want (and accept responsibility for that),
to be healthy,
to feel hurt and to cry,
to be angry and to say so,
to say "no" without feeling selfish or guilty,
to not need another's permission to do things,
to share your thoughts and emotions,
to a life without shame,
to be complimented without sarcasm,
to live without the fear of abuse,
to assistance from the police,
to financial independence,
to work in your choice of jobs,
to not be patronized or put–down,
to develop your own identity and talents,
to be safe,to be loved,
to be with a partner that you love and like,
to ask questions,
to change yourself in the ways you want,
to to control your own appearance,
to not be humiliated,to not be threatened or intimidated,
to protect yourself and your children,
to your personal beliefs,
to the truth,
to help yourself to succeed,
to choose your own friends,
to be at least as angry at or fearful of a lover as you would at a stranger who did the same things to you,
to share plans and decisions that affect you both,
to not be interrupted,   
to have your thoughts and opinions listened to and seriously considered, 
to feel how you feel — not necessarily how you've been told to feel, to be right without being made to feel guilty,
to be comforted by your partner,
to your sexual interests, desires, and fulfillment being as important as your partner's,
to not be harassed by a partner "checking on you",
to come and go without having to "report in" with details about where you went or what you did or who you saw,
to have friends of both sexes without accusations of unfaithfulness,
to fulfilled promises to survive and to live!

Dear Abby... Behaviors betray possible abuser

2007-12-19 / Advice & Entertainment

Behavior patterns betray abuser's urge to control

 

DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed the feedback I received regarding a letter from "Smothered in Michigan," a recently divorced mother of two. Her ex-husband had been an alcoholic. She's now dating his "polar opposite" who "treats her like a queen" and is "loving, affectionate, generous and caring."
She went on to say he stops by her job "only a few" times a day, and the minute she's home he shows up at her door. All her dinners are with him -- he pays for everything -- and he doesn't leave until her kids go to bed. He spends every waking hour with her and accompanies her wherever she goes. She said she knows she should feel grateful, but instead feels "indebted, stalked, controlled and burdened." Her question: "Am I just being selfish, and can I train myself to like being spoiled?"


I told her she and the man were overdue for a frank talk about personal space, that she's still healing from her divorce, and he seems so smitten or insecure that he's preventing her from figuring out where she ends and he begins.

Many readers felt she should listen to her intuition, that the man is a potential abuser, and the traits she listed are red flags.

Today I'll share the classic warning signs of an abuser. Read on:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser presses for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," or "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," then dismisses them with "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.