A little about me

Monday, May 9, 2011

Infidelity and my Gaslighter

After reading much on the subject of Abuse, I have found the majority have sex addictions or infidelity issues from time to time. A phone number, online porn, or a bj doesn't mean they cheated right? I'm not sure if that is a warped sense of morals or if it's just a male thing to think it's ok to do these things. Sex is sex? No kissing doesn't mean it's deep right? Or just because you didn't snuggle with the person doesn't mean it's cheating? Or maybe oral sex is ok to do! What trust do you violate when you do that?

Men have a hard time with fidelity issues. I do not make any excuse for them whatsoever. But there is such a thing as trying. Trying not to look at porn or checking out some random chick or Hey making out with someone isn't cheating. Now hold on! Am I right or wrong?

Bringing home a disease to your loved one is not cool. Cheating on your loved one, no matter which act you are choosing, whether in your mind thru fantasy or oral sex with some stranger. You are cheating real love, and if you have kids you are cheating them.

Children can learn about love from Mom and Dad. Violence, relationships with others, intimacy with a loved one, they see it all! When they are old enough they can learn that hey Mom/Dad do it, then it must be ok.

"Hey! That thing that's beating on the floor? Yea, that's my heart you didn't step on it hard enough" I am not sure what part of a relationship normal or with an Abuser is worse, knowing he/she is stepping out or knowing they are. Getting sloppy seconds or finding out that your mate is filling the time with others. It's all rotten! It's all stinks and it all is something to add to the ever growing list of crap in your life that you have to tackle.

I'm not one of those women that can turn the other cheek anymore. STBX wanted several wives, we actually looked into becoming Mormon. He thought that would justify his sick views on relationships. HMMM! What did it get us? Not only did that further break our relationship it caused us to get infected with a STD. Luckily it's HSV2 and not HIV or HPV. Not that that it's lucky to get an STD but I am thankful it is one treatable and the symtoms can lessen a bit. It helps if you don't have too much stress in your life, you eat right, exercise and keep healthy.

There is no excuse for any of the behaviors from Abusers. None of it is ok whether it is the hitting, infidelity,drug/alocohol abuse, the excuses, the promises of change. Of course finding a real relationship after you have been abused can be tricky! Find yourself again, don't be so quick to jump into the next relationship! If there is one thing I should have listened to was this. I won't change it, I'm happy with Mr. Wonderful, but I can see how it could have been not so pretty if he wasn't so wonderful.  I've seen many woman fall into the same pattern of abuse with the next guy and the next guy and so on and so on...

Do things you love to do!

Make a list of 25 things you always wanted to do and do them! Cooking? Learning to sew? Building something or volunteering for an organization! Now it's time to get your life back! Stay single for a bit. Enjoy getting to know you again.

Don't pine or wait for the next guy... Sex? It won't kill you to be without it, honest! Don't be one of those women that have the "2 year crazies" after they have broken up/divorced they're partner.

Will the next guy be a cheater? You will have trust issues! I can guarantee it! You will look at his mail or check out his phone. You will pepper him with questions about where he is. Even if the next guy doesn't take a swing at you, there will be suspicions or even wondering on your part. It's a hard habit to break! It's one of the many things that take getting used to NOT doing when you find a real relationship. Not every guy will hit you, not everyone will cheat or be a substance abuser. Take time, read, talk to a counselor, find a divorce support group. Or find a group online! Cafemom is a great place to start! It's free and there are a ton of boards on there with a variety of topics.

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