Nightmares & Narcissists

Will the dreams and nightmares about my ex stop?!

You left your abuser and now your dreaming about him/her. It may feel like you are still being held captive. When do they stop? Why does it feel like I'm obsessed or have separation anxiety from this person?

The duration of dreaming about your ex can depend on how long you are away from this person. Take the amount of time you were with this person and divide it in half. This will be the “magic” number that will be the amount of time you notice you have made progress on your healing journey.

You are probably frustrated by this. I know I was! How can you break free from these? It can be challenging to start reprogramming your mind to see your bad dreams as a tool to heal and change this into a good thing instead. You can do it!

Know that you are safe! This person can't hurt you anymore. You may feel victimized all over again subconsciously. Stop giving this person space in your mind. The feelings of being unworthy, that your useless, everything is your fault, etc... You may go through nightmare spurts. One day you have them and then the next day you don't!
Dreaming allows us to face our abusers head-on. We can safely explore situations we went through as scary as they may have been for you.

If you sit down and think about why you are having these dreams you may be surprised. It could be you were randomly talking about this toxic person earlier in the day with someone. You could have heard a song, saw an item, went past their house, had a message from them, are you up against a deadline, or something else that reminded you subconsciously.

While you are sleeping your brain may be trying to help you or tell you something by replaying a memory or situation.

How can you start to flip the switch?

1) What unresolved hurts do you have? Those bottled up memories can trigger a bad dream. Getting things down on paper or sharing these with a counselor/therapist/friend can be very helpful!

2) Change the voice of your abuser. Replaying these experiences can be terrifying for you but let's pretend you're watching a movie of a memory between you and that person who hurt you. Change the voice to that person. Make it a cartoon voice or really high and squeaky. Kind of like a chipmunk. Does it make you giggle a little? Going forward every time you think of this person I want you to remember this cartoon voice even in real life. This can help you start to see this person in a different perspective. Most of the talk coming from their mouths is ridiculous. Even if they are trying to bring you down I want you to remember this voice.

3) Before you go to bed begin a practice of watching or reading something positive. Don't binge The Walking Dead, watch the news, or consider putting down your phone. Feed your mind something good. If you have to watch a show make it light-hearted. America's funniest home videos, funny animal videos, listen to the Bible on YouTube, find positive affirmations or Bible verses, or record your own to play as you fall asleep. Color, go for a walk or listen to soothing music. Find a hobby that you enjoy to get this person out of your head. Fill your mind with positives and things that make you happy and if you don't know what makes you happy now is a great time to learn.

All of this does take time. I encourage you to give yourself this time to get to know you. To better understand your reactions to a certain situation and how you can reprogram yourself to react in a way that shows you aren't going to be a victim any longer.

Stay safe!
BIG HUGS,
Mel

Red flags you should look for in any relationship

Are there warning signs you should be on the lookout for in a relationship? You betcha! Here are a few to keep watch for! This applies to any type of relationship! Not just with an intimate partner. Honestly, I wish I would have known these were a thing. What I know now... I'm sure you feel the same way! So here are some things to look out for. 

1) Is there a history of violence?

2) May have a mysterious reason why they don't like people.

3) Wants to get serious real quick.

4) Is this person overly possessive and jealous?

5) Begins isolating you from family and friends.

6) Doesn't listen to you or your opinions.

7) Bossy and inconsiderate.

8) Dictates where you go, what you wear, and what you enjoy.

9) Monitors your calls, texts, and/or social media.

10) Blames you for all their issues even if you had no part in whatever the situation.

11) Puts on a display of affection and caring for others but behind closed doors talks poorly about them behind their back.

12) Makes fun of you.

13) Manipulative.

14) Ignores your boundaries.

15) Doesn't include you with friends or family outings or gatherings.

Of course, the HUGE red flag is if the person uses intimidation, threats, demeans you, or violence against you.

These are just some of the red flags that are out there. I've included the video that you can also listen to. If you need to talk don't hesitate to message me or find me on FB at https://www.facebook.com/melinda.kunst.58. Stay safe! 

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Part 1 Tips to cope with being alone after a toxic relationship

It has been ages since I've posted! I'm sorry! I haven't forgotten about you! I have jumped into vlogging and haven't come by here in a while. I have a bunch of things that I will be sharing over the next few weeks or so to catch up! You can find the video here- facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone.

A tough topic for many victims and Survivors is loneliness. 

First off, it is very brave of you to stay alone right now! I'm proud of you! This is a time of being on an emotional roller coaster filled with drama. You may feel like tapping out or giving up. Please don't! Consider talking to a counselor or therapist. This can be a dark time and talking with a professional or trusted 3^rd party can help.

One of the most common experience among victims and Survivors of a toxic relationship is feeling lonely. Personally, I can totally understand! This is a critical time when many jump back into the relationship or start a new relationship before addressing the junk from the past.

It isn't uncommon for this new super loving person to end up being abusive as well leaving you feeling like you are a failure in love or all you attract are losers, no one will ever want me or you may wonder what's wrong with, “ME?!”

If you miss your abuser you are not a weirdo. Even if this person caused you physical pain you loved this person. There were some good times and comfort. You may have been with this person for months, years, or decades, and know that it's okay to grieve. There is no shame in longing for this person back. You knew what to expect, it's familiar and in some ways not as scary as starting over.

After you leave you may notice different physical symptoms- Anxiety, depression, mood swings, nightmares, bedwetting, panic attacks, insomnia, and more. These are probably not “new” symptoms you may have not given these things much thought before. You may not have had a chance to really “feel” your own emotions. You may have had to hide these or brushed them off. Now they seem like flashing lights going haywire. Signs PTSD after a toxic relationship happens often!

Remember, we are no longer living in the past. The past now part of our memories and you are safe. That trauma is no longer happening to you. You are free even if you don't feel like you are.

Right now is the time for growth!

Being alone gives you space and time to rediscover or get to know yourself. Learning to reprogram your mindset, past hurts, figuring out likes, dislikes, dreams, and goals.

I know you may not feel like doing this and honestly, I have no clue about what you experienced. I can tell you that giving yourself the gift of time to begin a new journey will be healing for you.

Start creating boundaries, journaling, create a ritual for you such as rising early to read your Bible, pray, exercise, or creating a positive routine. Do something that gives you a positive feeling. This can be for 5 minutes, a half-hour, or longer! Don't hesitate to find time throughout the day to do something to recharge your spirit. 

What is something that you have done to help you on your healing journey? I'll be back tomorrow with more suggestions. Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

How I kicked PTSD in the ass...

If you read one of my earlier posts I mentioned it had been a year since I had a episode! I got to be honest I was a little stunned. I did note in my journal when I had a panic attack/pain/headache just for my own information. 

So what did I do? What magic spell worked?

TIME

That's part of it. If you have followed me a bit you know I am not into doing the Counseling/Prescription writer type thing. But it's no big secret, no gimmicks, no fancy tools or pricey doctor visits.

When I had those moments when I felt an attack coming on and I was alone, I would have to give some serious thought to my breathing slowly, in my nose and out my mouth. I would then try to think of a "Happy thought". What is a happy thought? It's not just a Peter Pan sounding thing but it is a memory and or person that just gives you a feel good thought. Or maybe for you it maybe a smell or song. 

So focusing on my breath, thinking of my "Happy thought" would eventually calm me down. This could take anywhere from a minute or as long as a half hour. 

I would later give myself some time to recount what events caused it. Was it a word? Song? Someone's tone? Hormones? Full moon? (Don't laugh at the last 2! There have been studies on this)

Then give yourself time to cry if you need to, journal, talk to a loved one and share what happened. Sometime talking it out does wonders for me! Grab a hot bath/shower and imagine the details of the episode going down the drain leaving you. Think of yourself in a white light (protective), sea salt is great to get rid of negativity so sprinkle some in the tub! Smudge yourself and my favorite Ground yourself. (Earthing)

In a pinch if my other options listed above just weren't working then I would form my hand into a fist or find a paper bag to breathe in.

These can be scary and nothing to play with! I had came close to passing out on several occasions. And at a time my eldest Daughter hadn't been able to control hers and she would totally pass out. 

Afterwards you feel like you have been run over by a truck! And there was a tiny bit of me that was really ticked off that my abuser was still getting to me. It felt like he was still winning because of them. 

Now that really made me mad enough to say no more. I focused more on getting rid of the fear and what remaining control I was still giving into even after all these years. 

No more wetting the bed! Nightmares featuring my abuser are far and few between. 

I feel free! I feel like the chains have fallen off. And it's an amazing feeling! Granted this took years to get to the place where I was and years to get where I am but it's so worth it. 

Now I am not a physician so if you are under care talk to your practitioner before trying this. You can do this! I believe in you Beautiful Blog reader! 

If you have any questions feel free to drop me a line here. I do have snail mail option available too- 

Melinda Kunst PO Box 202 Brook, IN 47922

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Be still. . .

From the time I was little, I wanted peace, love and comfort. Someone that would love me. I prayed to the Lord and questioned His love for me, feeling lost, afraid and hopeless at times. As the years passed and we had escaped my stepfather, life seemed to slip into a surreal normalcy. I was worried that if I blinked it would go away. 

Then I met my abuser. He was a bit different. Things spun out of control and what was normal went Topsy turvy. I felt as though I was suffocating, I felt stuck, and lonely. I feared leaving. I feared moving on. I feared the unknown of how I was going to make it and later how I would make it with 3 kids? 

It hasn't been easy or a cake walk. As I have mentioned on numerous times, I still have concerns for our safety. The years of feeling like I was walking on a tightrope have all but vanished. 

I still have memories, I still have triggers, I still have nightmares and I still sleep with the night light on. I also still have the unwelcome present of HSV2. That little gift serves as a reminder of a rather dark and bleak time that I would rather forget. But forgetting that time would be hasty. That time brought 3 beautiful kids into my life. I still pray that someday I will have a safe and healthy relationship with my eldest Son that is now 19 years old and I have not seen him since the latter part of 2010, after a scary incident involving a "Supervised visit" with our abuser in which the police were called due to an altercation between my ex and his Mom and Dad. He also threatened to slit my daughters throats if I was awarded custody of my girls. Likely, his threats were not taken lightly by the court and I was given custody of our girls and future visits were at Children's Treehouse. Of course that ended badly, but that is an older blog post. 

The old adage, "What doesn't kill you makes your stronger" Irked me and still kind of does. I don't feel any stronger than before. Conflict and argument's still send me into a panic and I can feel myself turn into a "Shrinking Violet", quite literally. 

I am annoyed that though it has been well over 6 years, my ex still hunts for us. Sound weird? Is it in my mind? No, he asks for us. He was sending me messages since we left in 2009 about his love for me, how we will be together someday, that "he forgives me" for everything and that he is a changed man. All of this nonsense is not reality. The reality of the situation is that he needs help. I've looked into prosecuting him for molesting our daughter but that ended up with a brick wall, legally where we reside too much time has elapsed and there is not a darn thing we can do.

I would be a fibber if I didn't say I wanted to get revenge. I still feel strongly about the situation of course for what that monster did. I was amazed at my Daughters bravery once she was free of the "secret" she had been keeping for years. And how she is choosing to forgive him and asked the Lord to help her do so. 

We still have our quirks and we try to help one another get through these. It's not easy. There are times of heated discussions, tears and regret as all of us in this household attempt to navigate through old wounds, of course the dreaded teenage hormones and my premenopause. God love Terry! His patience sometimes gets the better of him. I know we needed a strong person to help us through. God blessed us with that.

I don't know where you are in your journey but do me a favor. Be still for a moment. Wherever you are, stop what you are doing and just be still. What do you hear? Kids bickering? Traffic in your area? TV or radio on? No matter, take moments out of your day to just be still. Leave the camera off or the video option off and just soak in what is around you.                                                                      

After a crazy day at home or work, I have moments of clarity and splendor of how my life is today. I prayed for the life I have many, many years ago. It can be hard when your caught up in the moment to remember the simple blessings that are around you day to day. Such as, birds chirping, lightly tinkling wind chimes,the wind rustling through the trees, frogs and crickets chattering with one another. The sounds of laughter that seem infectious in our home. These sounds seem simple enough right?

There were times where I shut out the world, feeling lost in spirit and physically, while I closed my eyes and mind to some rough situations. I wanted to be someone else, I slowly stopped feeling, oh don't get me wrong, I always felt a wave of emotion when it came to my kids. Call me Momma Bear or fierce when it is needed! I did this to shut off the nasty words or sights I was seeing. I closed off to stop being hurt and to stop hurting.

Recent trip to Michigan City, IN- Washington Park zoo!

Where am I? I was taking the picture! I am getting a wee bit on the fluffy side since all I do is sit at work so I haven't been putting my mug in pictures too much. 

Once you are out of the abusive situation for a number of years there is clarity and to some degree I have understanding about how and why I did what I did and for how long I put up with what I did. I want you to know, Dear Blog reader that you will get through the rough parts, it will take time and there will be times when it seems like time stands still, with no end in sight of painful memories or legally. When this happens take a moment, be still, inhale all the good stuff and exhale all the bad thoughts, memories and pain. Do this for a few moments daily and let me know how it helps!

I know God's not done with me yet. I know He has never left my side and has sprinkled some amazing people and experiences in my life that I never imagined! Our bus project is going well. Terry found someone that will help show him how to weld the floor of the bus so he can then put in a floor and work on the build out of our "future" home. I'm counting the days until we launch and we all can not wait for whatever the good Lord has planned for us.

We hope to take part in helping any farmers/farm communities that need a hand and also to learn as well! Terry is a handyman/IT professional with a marvelous green thumb. We have both jumped into our mini farm with both feet after years of wondering and reading out of books we have tackled Beekeeping, raising Chicken/Ducks/Guinea Fowl/Rabbits, aquaponics (briefly more Terry's thing), forging in the yard for edibles, learning survival techniques, making our own soaps, salves, lotions and miscellaneous concoctions (some good and some bad-eg. my Dandelion wine didn't turn out so good). I am continuing to learn more about energy healing, Reflexology, Homeopathic medicines, Herbal medicine, Birth Doula and using essential oils. We hope to utilize our skills and help where needed, potentially for disaster relief or just healing someone that needs to share and talk.

I hope to meet some of the wonderful Survivors and Mom's of victims that I have come to exchange messages with over the past several years and I hope to inspire someone trapped in a abusive situation that they can find freedom, safety and a reason to live.

I'll quite ranting for a bit. If you need to talk feel free to reach me on FB-Melinda Kunst. I have several profiles- One is for my Reflexology page- Melinda Kunst (Healing Hearts), and just Melinda Kunst or at my email that I check regularly at blessmeplz@gmail.com

Stay safe and strong!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

 

FIBBER!

I feel like a fraud. 

Rattling on my blog about positive thoughts and feelings, when I didn't feel that way inside, I was talking the talk but not walking the walk.

This puzzled me as I had thought I had forgiven my ex, finding emotions that I had felt were healing or gone have been painfully opened by the events surrounding my older daughter. I have humbled myself before God, family and friends on numerous occasions with tears, prayers and even screaming in the comfort of my car to and from work.

My PTSD in full swing, I feel like a mad woman inside, wanting to run away and throw the covers over my head and never leave the comfort of my home!

It doesn't help the career I am currently in is Customer Services, where during my work week, I, and my co-workers are sprinkled with insults, nasty language and hostility from a wide range of issues. God bless them as they help ground me until I get home.

My spirit is still wounded and trying to heal from the past, moving on the future is very hard! I don’t take confrontation well. I get very fidgety, hurt and start shrinking into myself during a heated or any sort of stern discussion.

I have avoided social media, blogging, reaching out to other survivors, my family and friends, not feeling many understand the depths of emotions and darkness I feel from time to time. While I am in a much better, safe place then ever I feel like I am my worst enemy right now.

I crumble under pressure to maintain and juggle home and job obligations, my current husband, Terry is wonderful at building me up, yet he cannot understand why the girls and I can’t just get on. It’s not logical to him. He can’t fix it or the girls or I, leaving us from time to time in family discussions and situations where one or all of us are in tears.

I feel very much like someone that is fibbing to the world that life is peachy, when it’s not. I dislike the job I have, but love my co-workers, and yet I am thankful I have a job, especially during these times of high unemployment. I enjoy doing various hobbies; I’m scared to just quit doing that full time.

I am letting my joy being stolen from me. The daily little things are worrisome for me for no reason, but I can’t help but dwell on them.

I have been torn between cursing and screaming at the Lord for understanding how my abuser seems to get away with everything! From being able to attempt to harm me on more than several occasions, stalking me, using parental alienation tactics, not paying child support, breaking the numerous Order of Protections and more!

I assumed once I left him that he would be seen for what he is. No matter where I turned it seemed as though he was getting away with everything.

How can this be?! 

I cried, reasoned, yelled and questioned the Lord with how this is okay? How come he continues to seem to get off free?

Though I wavered in my belief that someday he would be held accountable, God has made it clear to me in my heart to be patient.

I felt as like a small child pouting and begging God for some sort of smiting to take place or for someone legally to find a reason to throw the book at him! How can this be?

I’m tired of hiding from my ex and now my eldest son. I live in worry that there will be some harm that comes to my family and me.

“What if they figure out where we live?”

“What if they figure out where the girls go to school or where I work?”

Frustrated and envious of others that has statues on social media that gives them the freedom of not worrying about him stalking me on a random outing.

Stupid right?! Living life in fear is terrible. Even though the probability is super high that anything would happen, the random text or email messages causes me to hiccup and get panicky or worried.

It gets me upset that I allow my abuser to continue to hold me hostage and he doesn't even know he does! I’m feeding my demons by living in fear of living.

Now how can I move on?

I have done much of the things I have rambled on about. I am finding things that give me happiness, outings, learning new things, while my latest craze is teaching myself how to play piano and knocking off a few things off my ever growing bucket list.

Also we are thinking of travelling when the kiddos are on summer break around the nation to visit friends and family.

I toyed with the thought of seeing another therapist but can’t seem to bring myself to do so. The big factor is I have little funds to do so as counseling is very costly.

I need to take my own advice! Pray more. Tear open my box of crayons, glue and glitter to create a vision board for me for my health and sanity. I need to call friends and maybe have a few date nights with my husband, play some more with the kiddos.  

Why write these things?

I want to be genuine and truthful on my journey. There are tears, times of doubt and dark moments.

A year or so ago a dear co-worker had given me a book to borrow, I kind of read it but couldn't get into it totally because that it dealt with a child kidnapped and killed. It wasn't a true story but I couldn't read it and gave it back to her. Well, over a year later I kept seeing that book on the web and whenever I hit thrift store, yard sales and antique shops! I figured these were signs I needed to read it for real this time.

I read it in about 1 ½ days. It was a quick read for me. The end of story reminded me I need to find forgiveness for my ex and that after I found out the information about molesting our daughter I realized I hadn't forgiven him for that.

I also did something I have never done throughout my journey, I screamed.

I screamed at the top of my lungs while driving home. I sobbed. I shook my fist in the air, screaming like a mad woman to the figure of my ex that is burned in my mind. I yelled at God! I yelled at myself for feeling so blind, feeling like a terrible mother.

I felt as though I had been living in the dark. How could I have been so dense? I wanted a pound of flesh! I asked God how can I forgive her father and forgive me for not seeing.

After my tirade, I felt better, yet I could not say the words of “forgiveness”. I still felt angry and out of sorts, as I pulled up to the house, my husband was out to greet me with a big hug. He noticed something was off and mentioned it. I shared my feelings and he reminded me that we are safe now and even though I say the words that it doesn't mean the hurt and pain is going to go away but my heart and spirit will feel free.

This was a big step! That same day, I had received a text message from, supposedly, my eldest son that is living with my ex-husband; the message was a forwarded horoscope about burning down bridges and that even when I think about that person I should consider make amends with someone that has been on my mind. I truly believe that was sent by his father rather than him and found it kind of eerie at the same time.

There is no discussion between him and I still, as he is not reasonable nor will he be civil enough to have any type of friendly relationship with and especially after the information that came to light over the past few months!

So, where does this leave me?

I said the words, I felt at easy saying them and peaceful. Reminding myself that my daughter said she had given it to the Lord and forgave him several months ago.

Grounding yourself in the midst of chaos!

Depending on where you on with your journey, you still may feel the need to just let out a scream!
It is still surprising to me at how many times I shake my fist to heaven with tear filled eyes or that I still have a nightmare that causes me to wet the bed or to watch the tics or anxieties that still plague my children.

Out of all of these things the outcome from years of abuse that effect my children has left quite an impression of hopelessness, worry and deep heartache. No band aid can bind up the wounds caused. No kiss or hug can wipe away the memories.

No amount of beating myself is going to make it go away.

I apologized to my girls. I hug them. Let them know I love them and I did ask for forgiveness. I am eternally grateful that God gave me strength not give up and He didn't give up on me,though there were times I questioned His ways. There was a peace. Many times there was a stillness in my heart that everything would be okay and that we were not alone.

I don't understand it. I still have a hard time forgiving "Me" for keeping us where we were. Though in all honesty it worked out the way it did for a purpose not for my understanding.

How do I hold it together? I pray A LOT! I am a chatterbox with the Lord! I read my Bible and find verses that helped build me up. I keep my favorite verses in my wallet, purse or where I can view it regularly! I have a prayer journal of thoughts and prayers for my family and friends. Most effectively, I plead the blood of Christ over me and my family. I ask God to send me a hedge of protection and don't hesitate to call on Prayer Warriors to help!

I have been pretty candid on here. I have shared everything I can about my life and experiences. Oh, sure I don't go into intimate details about some of the sexual abuse. I feel I have been descriptive enough. The blogging has helped me greatly! I know I am not alone. Thousands of men and women have passed through this blog. I am still shocked and saddened by the stats.

I literally swipe my arms, head and body from negative thoughts or when I feel down. I brush it down or throw it to the ground. For added happiness I step on those nasty things or imagine a drain taking all of those things down and away from me.

I get out in nature! I unplug and just listen to the birds or the wind rustling through the leaves/trees. If I can I go barefoot and imagine myself with roots reaching down like a plant! Go somewhere that makes you happy! If you can't (money can be tight!) use your imagination, by going to a "Happy place" that is special to your or maybe it can be a memory where you felt safe and loved.

Play inspiring or soothing music! Color or dig out some craft supplies! Have a pet? Play with him/her! If you have kids, play with them! Spending time with your kids is of course first and foremost to help you and them recover.

Picture yourself in a white light or pink (Love) or blue (Calming) light has helped me when I needed to talk to my ex or when I had to go to court. Cutting Etheric cords that attached me to my past abuser also has helped (I will get a separate posting about these!)

Set goals for yourself! Where do you see yourself in a month? 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? 5 and so on. . .

Talk with a professional if you need to. Do what works for you! What works for me is entirely different from everyone else. Don't feel bad if you do something that takes a medicinal turn. I went more of a holistically path of healing with my path and non medicinal. I found essential oils, flowers, Bach's Flowers, Positive Affirmations, Dream boards are what worked for me.

An occasional bout of screaming and crying still works too!

These are just a few things that worked for me. I am still struggling even after 5+ years. I struggle with getting child support, bad dreams and panic attacks. These are getting few and far between, but you are not alone in your fight! Don't give up! I believe in you!

God bless my Dear Friend!
Mel

Brushing the dust from my knees

I lay curled in a protective pose, trying to shield my head and midsection from the assault that seemed to be over taking me.Terror that filled my bones, my stomach was in knots, I sobbed uncontrollably begging my attacker to please stop. 

I begged for mercy.

I sucked in my breath as the blows to my body, feeling light headed and wishing for death.

I prayed for God to just take me. To end the tirade that seemed to be lasting for hours, but in fact was over in less than a few minutes.

I was hit with sweat and spittle from my abuser as he screamed about how useless I was. That I was a stupid *unt! 

My head hurt, my body ached, I felt myself urinate on myself. I hoped he didn't notice. . .

Too late! He laughed and sneered with disgust at me. He ranted that I was a disgusting pig! He stopped in mid kick. He backed away, muttering under his breath about what a waste of flesh I was and shaking his head. 

He barked to me to get my ass off the floor, clean myself up and I better not have to go to the hospital or else. He yelled that it was my fault anyway and he would deny anything if it came to that.

My breathing was labored. I prayed I wasn't seriously hurt. I brushed myself off, found some clean clothes and was further instructed to take care of dinner.

I made haste and nearly fell down the stairs from our bedroom that was on the 2nd floor, to the sinister smile of my abuser waiting at the bottom of the stairs with open arms to say he was sorry he got out of hand. He made a pouty face and said an almost shy apology. 

He grabbed my hand and pulled me close to hold me. I felt repulsed and dead inside. Confused, hurt and still dazed by the events that had just taken place. I didn't understand why God was letting this happen to me or the kids.

***********************************************************

I felt as though I had floated in and out of that former life. Feeling as though another person had taken my place during times of painful episodes. Not believing there would be anything else that awaited me in the future except a coffin. I saw death by the hand of my abuser or from my own hand as I slumped in a deep depression, unsure of what to do next with my circumstances. I blamed myself. I blamed God. 

I walked about in a nervous fog. I dreamed of happiness. Fantasized of a life of happiness. No drama or violence. Even after chatting with a intuitive friend, Kristy, who advised me that she was worried that I would not survive the upcoming year. My heart knew she saw wasn't far from the truth. I needed to run. I couldn't stay in this crazed relationship any longer. 

Fast forward 5+ years later! 

God never gave up on me and provided the right opportunity to escape. My life now is still a roller coaster. My recent Order of Protection has been granted for no contact with my ex. Though I highly believe he is emailing my daughter, and believe he is pretending to be my older son. 

The girls are happier. Terry and I are best friends. I have been able to grow as a person. Heal and laugh again! That former life and me seems like it is a hundred years away. Helping my daughter from the sexual abuse she suffered is slow and I am not pushing her to relive those events. I have advised her we need to have a counselor or perhaps she needs to discuss with peers someday when she is ready. 

I'm writing as a reminder to others "stuck" you can break free of abuse. No, everything is not perfect. I still am on guard and watch over my shoulder. We don't receive regular child support payments. And there are still nightmares and panic attacks. I am very happy with this second chance at life and feel blessed.

Don't give up my Friend! Please pass this along to anyone else you know or believe is being abused so they can know they are not alone! There is beauty from the ashes!

God bless! Stay safe!

Mel

Spreading your wings. . .

You maybe scratching your head wondering how to gain the courage to leave your abusive situation. Thinking about your future is barely on your mind. Thoughts about just living day to day were things that I thought of after leaving my abuser.

I allowed myself daydreams from time to time. Relishing the thought of being free of any haunting nightmares, stalking or any contact with my ex.

I would envision myself a year from where I was. I thought of finding "normal". Finding a place that I would feel safe. I created a vision board filled with images, words and phrases that made me feel empowered, happy and even a bit adventurous!

Some of the images and words were simple:
Create, Dream, Envision, flowers, shiny things, Love, country type of pictures and other things that spoke to me.

I looked at it daily. I said Positive Affirmations. I continued to let myself daydream and I made a Bucket List, which included far out kind of stuff, like baking cookies, learning how to play chess, going different places (You can find my list in the Label section).

I took a break for me. I needed a breather! I read my Bible, continued to pray and at one point in my journey I forgave my abuser. That doesn't make the hurt go away but Lord, was that freeing! I felt as thought a weight was off my shoulders! I read some self help books. I allowed myself time to cry, usually when the kids were at school.

After leaving an abusive situation, everyone needs to re-learn how to live. Kids need to learn to play and imagine. Many times kids of abuse may take on a "parental role" or act grown up, and the act of playing can be hard for them. I mentioned it before in earlier blog posts about how kids can act out or symptoms of PTSD/Depression can appear months or years after leaving an abuser.

Here we are 5 years later. I looked back at earlier blog posts, I felt the hurts and anger from that earlier time. I feel I learned a bunch about the legal system, myself and kids. I had to learn to "Love me". I hated myself for a time. I didn't like who I was in the mirror.  Habits developed over time from living with my abuser are still ghosts of my past that I am working to change. Such as, following behind my husband, Terry, I can walk at his side. I can voice my opinion or distaste. I can even leave the toilet paper roll hanging with the paper in the back of the roll rather then with the sheets on top. Know what I mean?

I haven't dusted in over a month. I still haven't balanced my check book since leaving my ex, I keep a tally in my head and I'm very frugal with my money!

I can go on and on! I spread my wings and am flapping, getting ready to soar! I have some things in the works that I'm super excited about. I have finished my book and hope to publish in the next few weeks! This will also include surrendering and taking a leap of faith that will take myself, Terry and kids on an amazing journey within the next few months or years.

Prayers for you Dear Blog reader in whatever stage of life you are at. If you are currently in a dangerous situation, please get help! You maybe thinking, "It's not that bad" or "Name calling is all it is".

Abuse is abuse no matter what form it is. You deserve better! It doesn't matter if you male, female, child, teen, elderly or what have you. No one deserves to be abused. Contact local police, or reach out to the National Hotline for abuse or let a trusted friend/relative/teacher know.

Stay safe and God bless!
Mel

In the midst of chaos

First let me say that if you are reading this blog, I'm sorry. I pray God gives you strength to carry on. I pray that you don't just give up or give in. That you dust yourself off and stand tall. Though it seems grim, dark or impossible there is a ray of light at the end of the chaos.

I have leaned of the Lord to get me through my life. I was abused as a young child, and a counselor believes I may have been sexual abused as well. Being a victim seems to be a pattern in my life at various cycles. But, it can be broken! I'm asking you go put your faith in God. Whatever your faith or whatever being you believe in, you have to place faith that you will get through this.

You are worthy of a life worth living. You are beautiful in the sight of God. Now I normally don't preach about religion, but I receive emails from time to time asking how do you do it? Or what is your secret to keep going? How are you so brave?

To be honest, my emotions are a swirl of anger, bitterness and sadness. I had to give all of it to the Lord. He is greater then these things earthbound. Also, I was blessed to be surrounded with angels both spiritually, family, friends and to have found a partner that builds me up, encourages me to grow.

I pray all the time! I pray for not only  my situation, but for others, our world, our nation and those in my life. I journal, blog and tell anyone about our story. I don't wish it to end here. I someday hope to get speaking engagements to discuss this subject in schools or groups. I have looked around to do so but do need either, training via a Women's shelter (that irked me I had first hand experience on how to deal with abuse!) or a education as a counselor or mental health field or a book. Now the book is something I have been going back and forth about because I'm unsure of myself and scared. Yup, I still get scared or terrified that my ex will try to sabotage something, kill me or send my eldest son to kill me or my new husband and youngest son.

After close to 5 years my abuser still looks for me/us. He still reaches out to my family and friends to inquire, rant and bash me.

Everything I whine or go on about here are things I practice, do or have looked into. I like to think that I practice what I preach!

I do the Positive affirmations. I talk to other survivors about what they are going through or ask thoughts on my situation. I read my Bible! I read self help books to help me with my spirit, self esteem and to help me heal myself. I cleanse our home with sage, oils and prayer. I take baths in sea salt or do a Salt glow to rid me of negativity.

I use crystals, essential oils, Bach Flowers (Rescue Remedy) garden, find things that soothe my soul and broken spirit. I am teaching myself dozens of things to help me grow in mind and body. (I'm trying to learn to meditate but my brain thinks about everything under the sun or think about the housework that needs to get done) I do these things to get my mind from running away from me about my situation.

I have seen a handful of counselors, overall I don't believe in them. Sorry! I am not on medication. I did that route. It was not for me. Not saying for others not to see or use medications to get through. I'm saying I did not feel it was best for me. I don't like the side effects of drugs. Now, for others this is the way to go and if it works for you then that is fantastic! I use visualization to get me through my PTSD symptoms or a bag works. I talk myself down during these times and pray. I plead the blood of Christ in my life A LOT!

Anytime the house seems alive with bad energy, I cleanse it. Much to the eye rolling of the kids and hubby. They go with it because the mood after I do so is lighter! I don't consider myself a "New Age person" but I am open minded to everything. I am a believer in God. He gives me strength!

I can ramble on and on.

Dearest? Please consider opening your heart to the Lord. If you are already a follower and are saved then don't lose faith the God is with you. Let Him work in your life. Give Him your worries!

It takes faith. You have to have faith. Before you open your mouth, act in a situation or even start your day, before you jump out of bed ask God to guidance. You are never to old for a happily ever after. Nor are you unworthy enough to call upon angels or God to help you through these tough times! I'm praying for you!

Now, God still wants you to act and be diligent to keep yourself safe. Don't shut yourself in the house and never leave, becoming a hermit. Take steps to protect yourself at all times!

Take a self defense class!

Leave a paper trail- emails, voice mails, text messages from your ex or even first hand accounts written by you or someone that has witnessed the abuse.

Practice self awareness while you are out.

Don't see your ex without someone else being present. And if you have to see your ex do so in a PUBLIC  SETTING! Call the police and let them know of the situations and that you would like an officer present during visitation exchanges or just because you don't feel comfortable. That's they're job!

Keep an emergency phone or change on you to make a call!

Let a trusted friend or family member know where you are at all times. I know you don't want to feel like a child but this could be life saving!

Try the other tips found in the blog to stay safe.

Learn to love yourself again!

Prayers, blessings and love Dear Blog reader! Stay safe!
Mel

*Side note- If you have any questions about God, faith, prayer or anything please feel free to contact me at hopewhentherewasnone@gmail.com . Or visit- http://purewordsoftruth.com/ for information about the Lord.*

I'm so stupid! *Updated*

Work is especially stressful, I am in Customer Service and being yelled at and cursed at from time to time is not pretty. I feel tense. Being on the phone with an angry person on the other end does not help my PTSD and ulcer. Anxiety has reared it's ugly head! And though my Supervisors say to blow it off, it is hard! I find myself nearing panic attack status. I enjoy the people! The Co-Workers are amazing people and many have way more issues then I. I almost feel bad for whining right now.




I'm grateful I have a job! I really am! I just need to learn how to de-stress. Or maybe how to deal with escalations better. I admit I crumble in a heated situation. I honestly feel I have the deer in the headlights look during one of these calls.

I had a really nasty day last week. Well, let me backtrack a bit. Over 90 days ago I blocked both my ex and son from my cell phone. I had to. The messages were nasty, heated and inappropriate. My ex had been advised by the court to only contact me via text or email or by his mom in EMERGENCY. He decided, AGAIN, to thumb his nose at authority (I don't know why this surprises me) and he texts. My son got involved by demanding to speak to his sisters. Anyway, long story shorter, the 90 days have lapsed so I start getting messages again. From my ex they are syrupy sweet- "Good night my baby girls. Daddy loves you." Or "Have a great day at school my ladies."

Even though these aren't bad, every time I see a message from him I notice a physical change in me. Terry noticed to and urged me to just block him. So, I did. A few days later my son starts with the demands about his sister. I did talk to him on the phone! I saw he called while I was at work and darned my hopeful heart! I asked how he was just just said I want to talk to my sisters. I went to your house and no one was home. I admit I was rocked back in my heels! Thoughts raced through my head about how they tracked us down! The address he gave was wrong. I blurted out it wasn't ours. AGH! I should have kept my mouth shut! \

I talked to Terry about the call. In the mean time several days later the girls did talk to him. They had a pleasant conversation. Though my youngest daughter flipped out after talking to him.Nothing bad was said, but she reverted to more of a scared rabbit behavior.

OK, fine. We got through the call. Subsequently, a few days later another few text messages come through.  I responded back. BIG MISTAKE! A heated exchange took place, on his part, he said some really hurtful things. I was a mess for the reminder of the day at work. I had missed a call from a dear friend earlier and called her back afterwards.

I heard her voice and she seemed to have sensed something, by the way she is a also a Survivor of abuse. We call to check on one another or email from time to time. She has been such an inspiration for me! I had played it cool and then the flood gates opened and I couldn't stop blubbering about the exchange with my son. She put me at ease with some kind words and prayers.

In the mean time, I did something so stupid over the exchange with my son. I invited him to church.

Huh?

Mel? What's up with that? Why is that bad you ask?

My son and his dad are not allowed to know where we live for safety issues. Well my big mouth invited my son to church. Now, I'm terrified they will show up or stalk the parking lot. Tomorrow is going to be a really scary day. We now have to watch our backs.

All these thoughts are racing through my head! What if he places a tracking device on our car? What if he has someone follow us? What if someone shoots us from a long distance? What if my son attacks us? Or hurts his little brother? All of that due to the brainwashing from his dad.

I miss my older son terribly. I miss his smile. I miss his quirky sense of humor. I miss him.




So, now, I feel so dumb!All my words of practicing what I preach out the door! *POOF!*

I continued to beat myself up this week. Dreading tomorrow. . .

Blessings my Dear Reader! Remember thing like the above is something NOT TO DO. SIGH!
Mel

*************************************************

Sunday came and went without any problems. We had our eyes on the parking lot and I was so paranoid that I really didn't get to listen to the sermon. My mind was totally off. To make matters more interesting my oldest daughter had a stomach ache and then she had a panic attack. Then she threw up. Now that took my mind off things! Thanks for the well wishes!

Almost 4 years- Lessons learned

These few years seem to have flown so quickly. Though there were many points along the way I thought time would never pass fast enough to get the legal process part of our divorce done.

I have found some amazing things along the way, which I would like to share with you!

1) God didn't give up on me! He didn't let me just throw in the towel. He knew the who, what and when of the whole situation. And nudge me on when I felt defeated by a some sort of sign, person or dream when I needed it.


2) Good support of family and friends. Everyone close to me has been caring, great listeners and supportive of these events. My church family has been wonderful too! We appreciate the prayers, my Pastor and his Wife, have been AWESOME!

3) The kindness of strangers

4) That I am stronger, even through the pain of it all

5) I'm finding peace in every moment- Even when my teens are doing the "Teen thing"

6) More patience with everything. Things happen for a reason! A divine meeting or chance that worked out well for us. Even when things seemed dark.

7) The legal system WILL work even though it seems like the legal birds appear to have they're heads up... Anyway! It does work. It takes time and patience!

8) The importance of being situational aware! I make sure I know my surroundings without being conspicuous. Knowing where exits are. If  alone in a restaurant I make sure I am facing the door so I can see who comes in. Make sure my doors on car and around my home are secure. Changing path how get to my destination. Changing my passwords on email, banking, utilities, and so on. Carry permit and lessons on safety and shooting. Self defense class- youtube has some good ones!

I check a parking lot out before I park. I make sure I pay attention to my surroundings as best possible. Check parking lot again when heading to my car. Check car out quickly before leaving. Again, watch out to make sure no one is following. These tips may sound paranoid, but they could save your life! Early on my ex had hired someone to follow us/take pictures and later paid the person to kill me. I had a feeling he or someone was following but could never pin point it. Many months later it came to light his plan, thank goodness the person he hired got cold feet, if he hadn't I could rank among the hundreds (if not thousands- not sure if the stats but you get the picture) of persons murdered in the States daily.

If you feel that someone is watching or something feels off, call the police! I have talked to the local police several times to patrol our area when I got a feeling. They are happy to go through the area or even your home. Better safe then sorry! Always tell a friend or family member where you are heading, how long you will be and when you return. I know you may feel like all these are over-the-top or child like, all it takes is a moment for someone to do something dangerous that could be life or death for you.

NEVER be alone if you can help it! Ask someone to be with you during whatever the event or matter is. Even to court. Sneaky things can happen in the parking lot or on the premises.

Make sure you have a new cell phone account that is YOURS. That your ex does NOT have control of so he can not use GPS or call tracking. When taking pictures with cell phones please watch what you post on social media. Your abuser can figure out where you are or were if they are savvy enough.
If you have a computer/laptop, consider wiping it clean or getting a new one. Some abusers have been known to log on to your computer without you knowing and this could also be detrimental to your finances or personal safety!

Please view my Safety plan or Safety blogs for more tips or information.

9) It will take time to heal, both physically, mentally or emotionally. There is no way to rush this part. Everyone heals at they're own pace. Not everyone has PTSD or Health related conditions brought on by the stress of an abusive relationship. I am currently researching the effects of abuse on children, not just that the cycle of abuse may continue but the proven facts that most childhood illness could be related to abuse in some form and instead be PTSD. Examples, bed-wetting, ADHD, ADD, Epilepsy, Depression and more! I have a friend that mentioned that since they have not been living in the situation of abuse for months her son has shown marked improvement in his Asperger's Autism! Of course, further evaluation is needed from a medical standpoint. I am not a therapist or medical professional (Medical Assistant and Doula, I am told do not count- SHUCKS!). Please research and monitor your child(ren) yourself to see if there is improvement.

10) Relax! All these things shall pass. Life as precious as it is, can be done in a blink of an eye. I heard on a Christian radio station, that we are but a vapor or mist, with a short span here on earth. I liked that. Make this life count. If you have a child or pet, pick yourself up, dust off the past and start anew! Everyday is a new beginning to start over. Break bad habits. Improve yourself in some way. Smile at strangers and even say Hello! Journal, I just heard about SMASH books (form of a journal) I can't wait to try. I hear glitter and glue in my future! Create a vision board or a wish list on paper or virtual of things you would like to do. Outlandish or easy to do things or wishes. Take these and run!  Small steps! Try to get 2 things or more done a month or a season.

11) Clear the clutter. OK, Melinda, I had you for a bit now clean?! Clutter breeds chaos. I am very spiritual, in saying this, there are energies that love clutter, dirt, disorganization and filth. (No I am not pointing fingers and I am not the most organized person. Ask my husband!)

A cluttered house, car or office area can cause you and those around you to feel anger, dread of coming home or work or even in your car. I have been using a rule that if I have not used it in 6 months it goes into my selling pile or donated to local Mom and Pop resale shop (I love to help out local businesses!). Grab some garbage bags or boxes and get moving!

12) The dreaded word- EXERCISE! Whether from the comfort of your home or blazing your own path running. Exercise is a great way to help relax you, get your body moving towards better health and has been proven to help you heal after an abusive relationship! I myself am not a twig, I have a bad back, my knees have been doing some funky clicking and hurting lately. A sign of my age (42). I try to exercise at least 3 to 5 times a week, a half hour or longer if I can. It has been very therapeutic for me.

13) Talk to someone! Finding an outlet to talk about your experiences can be super important to your whole being. Keeping your abuse under wraps can be harmful to your health. Getting it out, bearing your soul to a group, friend, therapist is very important!. Personally, I have shared my thoughts on therapists and psychologist but to each their own. I don't believe in medication anymore, unless life-threatening (that's going to be part of my other blog)

14) Find yourself. I hate to sound repetitive, but I recently was privileged to win a scholarship to "Step our and Sparkle your life" with my fav intuitive, Kristy Robinett! In the few weeks I have been a part of a great group of gals, I have peeked under the cracks of my feelings to heal, re-new and rediscover me. It has been a very challenging, inspirational and empowering experience. I have gleaned a lot from both Kristy and the ladies involved. I have found I'm not alone in feeling a low self esteem.  I have made some great new friends and support this way! Do something you enjoy or once had a passion for. You maybe alone now, so what?! Being alone with just you, can be a enjoyable adventure!

I have discovered a farm life- Filled with chickens, canning, raising rabbits, aquaponics, soon bees and ducks! I enjoy gardening,composting, self-sufficient lifestyle still love antiques/garage sales, learning how to crochet, crafts of all sorts, learning about herbs and edibles in my yard (dandelions, purslane, chickweed, etc...). I finally took my CPR class so I can add that to my list of things to do 2013 both for myself and to add to my resume (Med. Assistant/Doula). I am finding me! I am enjoying the "Normalcy" of life. I love my life! I have $8.00 in the bank, but say Positive affirmations to improve my financial success as well as self improve me.

I could go on and on... You my dear blog reader are always in my prayers. Please if you are in some form of abusive relationship, get help from a shelter or call your local law enforcement. You can do it! I know your scared. You need to do this for you. Is this the life you want for the next 5 years? 10 years? Will you live that long? Will your child (pet) follow in the cycle of abuse? Do you want that for them? I can't tell you when jump from an abusive relationship. Only you can do that. Do not wait too long. Do not use the excuse of lack of finances, or place to live or no job. Call a local shelter, they have resources to help you! Or confess to a friend or family member. If there is a will there is a way.

BIG HUGS! I believe in you!
Mel