Tips for leaving your abuser

Hello Love Bug! Let me tell you how proud of you that I am! You are taking the first step just by reading this information. At this stage, it can be scary for you! The fear of leaving, possible repercussions if he/she finds you, how are you going to live, or now what questions may be running through your mind. 

This is going to be a LONG post. I will be creating a video that you can find later this afternoon here- Hope when there was none

Before you drop the bombshell think about:
* Is this relationship worth saving? Now hear me out! Is it that your partner is violent or upsetting when he/she is drinking/using drugs? Are they a bully and don't realize it? Have you gone through counseling to resolve the issue? I hate for relationships to end of course abuse is unacceptable. These are factors to consider. My first thought is to leave but for some, they wish to see if they can make it work. Remember this, you can not make this person your project to "fix". They have free will. If you/friends/family have pointed out the negative behavior and they don't wish to change there is your answer.

* Leaving while your partner isn't home or going to be gone for a long time.

* Alerting work/school about your situation.

* Gather important papers. If you are concerned your partner will notice these are gone make copies of the original and leave the copies! 

Here are ideas:

Marriage/Birth certificates 

Social Security cards

Bills- Student loans, Credit cards, medical

Financial records

Medical records/shot records

Diplomas

Passports 

Pay stubs

Income tax records

Mortgage/Rent contract

Business contacts/info 

Have an old school paper type of phone book with contacts- Note an emergency contact!

Car registration/Insurance

Medical insurance cards

Investment info/401k

Old protective orders- this shows there were past problems

Photos

Bankruptcy discharges

Any other legal info- lawsuits, tickets, summons, immigration paperwork/green cards, custody papers

Journals

History of the violence- include pictures and note the dates

Make a plan to send these to a P.O. Box that your partner does not know about or give to a trusted friend/family member.

* Set up a new email address or make sure you change your passwords (change to an affirmation! Iamstrong, Iamenough)See my video here- Using Affirmation passwords.

* Open a bank account prior to leaving if you can. Personally, I squirreled away $25.00 over many months to open one before I left my abuser. I had the statements going to my new address at my sister's house. Now, you can have them come electronically so your abuser won't know.

* If you have a place to go, start taking things to your new digs. These are things that will go unnoticed, such as seasonal clothing, mementos, toys/games for the kids, extra food, bedding/towels, anything that you can think of that won't be missed. 

Let's say it's "Leave time", here are some things to consider, now this should not be taken lightly and I would also suggest that you reach out to law enforcement and/or a Women's shelter for tips, suggestions, and other resources. 

1) How will your partner react to the news? Will there be physical harm if you leave? Or will you be asking your partner to leave? You may consider leaving by a police escort. This means you leave ASAP! No dilly-dallying to grab a toaster, the TV, or photos. These are just things, what is important is you and your children (or furbabies).

2) This kinda goes with #1. Are there weapons in the house? VERY IMPORTANT! If your partner has a gun and you suspect he/she may use it please make sure you tell the police or hide the darn thing from him/her. Which may tick your partner off too! Or make sure you are not fighting in the area where a weapon can be easily grabbed.

3) Know your space! Don't get pushed into a corner, room with no windows, or without an exit! Curling up into a tight ball may seem like a cowards way but protecting your head with your arms/hands and other vital organs can be important if need be. Also, don't wear long necklaces or scarves this can be used to strangle you!

4) Make sure your kids are in a safe place. This may mean that you don't go where they are hiding. If you do run to them this may bring the violence to them! Teach your child 911, the address, and your names. 

5) Keep your phone on you or by you and turned on! Make sure it is charged. 

6) Know your neighbors or ask your family for help. Some folks don't want to get involved and that is okay but if you are able to ask if they hear anything, see a visual cue (maybe you can turn a certain light of), or create a safe word to use in the event of danger. 

7) Back into your parking spot. Keep it fueled. Have a set of extra keys hidden in there somewhere. There are magnetic key holders! Put in a spot that won't be obvious. 

8) Have a "Go bag" ready. This will have a 3 day supply of clothes, toiletries, extra meds, a bit of food, and cash. Read more about this here- Personal survival kit/Survival kit

9) Consider having a friend or family member stay with you while you break the news. I highly advise instead to leave when your partner is not home. This all sounds like cloak and dagger type of stuff because it is! I'm not going to lie to you! 

10) You may not want to tell the kids until the day you are leaving. I would consider the age and maturity of your child. 

This can serve 2 things: 

* They won't spill the beans beforehand. 

* They won't be upset or act awkward before you leave. 

* Are you having behavior issues with your child? They may be exhibiting habits from your abuser! It is not uncommon nor is it uncommon for a child to threaten to "tell on you! 

This is a BIG event your their life! They may feel sympathy for your abuser. If they are older you will want to give them a choice. Now, before you flip me off, listen. This child may end up being turned against you or already is. The danger may not be worth you taking him/her with. I know it sounds terrible! Trust me, I have been in your shoes! 

11) You/kids may have to talk to police, attorneys, GAL's, or social workers about your story. You may feel like a victim all over again. Your partner may spin the table and make "you" the instigator. This can be traumatic for you/kids. There could be symptoms of PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome, Learning disabilities, other health issues related to the abuse that could escalate during this time. Counseling can help! See a licensed professional. 

I know this is a LOT to digest. Planning in advance has its advantages. The disadvantage is staying longer. Waiting for the right time. You may not have a choice and have to go. In either case please be careful! You may also think that the abuse you are going through "Is not that bad". Or that it's only he/she says bad things and doesn't hit you. Perhaps it is that you have no control over your finances. Maybe they use mind games. 

This is all abuse. It doesn't matter if you have a bruise or broken bone. What matters is if you are willing to stay in this relationship for the rest of your life. Are you ready to allow your kids to keep experiencing this? Will they repeat the pattern?

Don't be surprised if friends/family you thought were on your side back off or take your partner's side or "spy" for him/her. 

Lastly and most importantly, talk to your kids during this time. Let them know they are not to blame, none of this is their fault and that what is happening with your partner is not acceptable behavior and violence is not okay.

If you have any other questions or concerns please drop me a message privately here or my page Hope when there was none. I also have a private group for victims/Survivors if you are interested to let me know and I will add you. 

Check out my video for 72 hour safety tips after leaving an abusive relationship

I'm praying for you!

God bless and stay safe!

BIG HUGS,

Mel

Treehouse Supplemental report

Supplement Report

Miranda & Dad argue

Miranda "You told me for 2 years- that if the divorce happened it would be all my fault. You put me in that hospital".

Dad "That's a lie".

Miranda "No it's not. You sent us both. Me & Nathan. He needed to be there".

Dad "No he didn't. I didn't want you there".

Miranda "You need to be there. You need a psych eval".

Dad "I don't know what your game is- what your mothers game is".

Miranda "My life would be great if you weren't in it".

Dad "You're repeating exactly what your mother says".

Miranda "No. She would tell me to be respectful".

Dad "You don't hurt me".

Miranda "So now you're a counselor & a psycho".

Dad "I did nothing to you".

Miranda "You choked me. That's bullshit".

Dad "I didn't choke you. I slapped you".

Miranda "Lie".

Dad "You went crazy and started attacking Matthew".

Miranda "All you did what sit on the couch & watch TV all day".

Miranda "You whipped Nathan with your belt so many times. Mom tried to protect him".

Dad "All I see is your mother. So it's ok for you to disrespect me".

Miranda "I'd rather be like her than you".

Dad "Mom is hurting you by keeping the negativity going".

Dad "I always tell Nathan to not talk badly about"

Miranda "Why do you or Nathan keep texting Mom in the middle of the night?"

Miranda "You ruined the first 10 years of my life".

Dad "Your Mom keeps your away from me. You can argue all you want. It doesn't hurt me".

Miranda "I hate you with a deep passion. I want to stab you right now- but I won't because I will not stoop to your level. I wish you would leave me alone. I hate you! I don't want to see you!"

Dad "I'm fighting for custody of you".

Miranda "I hate you. I thought you changed- but you didn't. Stop this visitation shit. I hate you. Get out of my life".

Zoe "Guys your kinda talking loud".

Dad "You shush!"

Miranda "NO!" and slams her hands on the table

Miranda throws her cards at dads face.

CTH security enters visit

Dad laughs when Miranda leaves

Dad "Zoe I didn't hurt you. You're my baby".

Zoe cries- Zoe asks to leave

Nathan cries.

*Mom called to pick up girls 11:23 am

Get over it already!

It can be quite easy for someone that hasn't walked in your shoes to tell you how you should feel. Whether it is a few weeks or months or maybe years since you have been through your abuse.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on when you should been done healing or they may ask you why you feel compelled to keep bringing up the subject of your past.

"Why can't you just drop it?"
"Why don't you just move on already?"

You may get some eye rolling or deep sighs from the person you are sharing your feelings with. Soon, you just clam up holding so many of the hurts inside.

It can be very hard for somebody else to understand the in's, out's up's and down's of being a victim or a survivor of abuse of any sort. I've gotten... "I understand" when I know the person had never been effected directly or indirectly by abuse. There has been times I wanted to shout, "How could you?!" or "Seriously?!", I do tuck those aside as most people do not really know how to answer or help when there is a situation that is out of the norm.

People love to give advice or hear gossip, but when it is something that is outside the normal comfort zone you can have problems.You finally open up to someone that may have pestered you for what is going on in your life and you may leave them dumbfounded, amazed or speechless.

I can't prepare you for what is going to happen during your journey (Hopefully you are on the path of healing and safety). I can share my own opinions and they seem to have really evolved since I began this incredible path that has been filled stumbling blocks, set-backs, fear, discouragement, joy, happiness, hope and faith.

I've mentioned many times that it isn't easy to leave an abuser. There is no abuse worse then another. There is not right or wrong time to make the jump to leave or kick him/her out. You will know in your heart, things will fall into place that point to what the right decision for you is.

I have read many cases where the abuser is using drugs or alcohol and once they get off the habit the person changes into a great person with no other patterns of abuse. Now, these are very rare and slim chances. I do not want to give anyone a reason to stay with their abuser for hope of change. I do not want to say one way or another this will work for every substance abuse relationship. If it does or did that is terrific! Blessings to you and your partner!

I also do not want to say that something earth shattering may happen to your abuser and they will forever change their behavior for the better. Put that aside. Think about you. Your abuser no matter what the situation is responsible for his/her behavior. Take off your Mom/Dad cap and let this person know or let them go to make the decisions they need to make for the path they want to keep on.

You need to think about you.

Ask yourself a few questions:

Where do you see yourself in a year?
Alive? Dead from your abuser or suicide?

Will you still be in the same relationship? Maybe feeling stuck or scared or hopeless.

What do you want out of life?

Do you honestly want to live the rest of your life this way? (Scared or suffering?)

If you have children, please think of them. If you see that one of your children maybe seeing someone that is abusive or may themselves be an abuser what would you do? Our children do have a tendency to pick up the abusive patterns. The amazing transformation of a broken spirit can be awesome! It doesn't happen overnight, so please do not shake your head and think that I must be smoking funny cigarettes because it has been years since you may have left your abuser and your child maybe pretty rough around the edges.

It may take years of counseling or talking to caring friends or family to heal. Children seem to have a tougher time healing after an abusive relationship. They are too immature to explain or vent about how the abuse affected them. Don't be surprised to see aggression, confusion, head banging, running away, verbal abuse, cutting, crying, depression, anxieties, withdrawing from you and more.

Like yourself, they need time to heal. Healing is slow. It can be frustrating. And that is my professional opinion as a Jack of all trades. I am not a therapist or counselor. I have read much on the subject, spoke to various professionals (Legal and Medical) and of course my own first hand experience.

The raw emotions in the beginning after leaving the abusive relationship are very strong! They can be overwhelming! (I never did wear the Rudolph the booger nose reindeer look well) Believe or not they will pass as time goes by. And if you plan to live a charmed life soon after leaving your abuser, though that sounds lovely, in reality you may be dealing with someone that threatens your life or your children or is stalking you and the legal circus could have you in tears.

So my Dear Blog reader, I am not sharing any of this to intimidate you, or cause you to think, "Maybe I'll just stay with Joe/Jane Doe to save myself the trouble or problems."

The road to recovery and freedom from abuse by far outweighs where you are now. Knowing that you can survive from this and you will survive should inspire you to stay strong.

OK, enough of the pep talks! If you are in a super volatile situation, consider bringing in the police. Contact a shelter or check with your state or country about legal help in these matters, especially if you have children together! Safety is the primary concern!

Please check out previous posts about Safety or Leaving your abuser for suggestions or tips.

Stay safe and God bless!
Mel

Beating your children...

First thing first, October is Domestic Abuse Awareness month! No one is immune to the effects of this devastating time.

Abuse does not discriminate. It can strike Men, Women, Old, Young, Black, White, Catholic, Baptist, Wealthy... you get the picture.

Whatever the excuse is that the victims use to rationalize or minimize the abuse, no one deserves it! There is nothing "You did" to "Make" the person do it to you! Despite, the constant reminders you may get from your abuser. It's not you! Triggers to cause your abuser to flip his/her lid can be substance related, money, mental/emotional or maybe there is no reason.


Of course these are excuses used to harm you! So, he/she only does this to you, right?

What about your child(ren) or pet? Do you believe they are immune? Guess what! In many cases your abuser doesn't care. They may abuse your child privately or just be bold enough to do it in front of you. Perhaps making you participate! Headlines splashed across the world tells of horrific and tragic abuse of all sorts happening to children and animals by the hundreds.

In many cases both parents (Boy/Girl friend or Step parent) are charged with heinous crimes against the smallest victims that can't defend themselves. I've read many stories that point the finger at the other person that was abusive and they "Made them" act against the child or pet. Or there is some fear that they would be harmed so they let it happen.

I sit in awe, tears and a deep sadness that anyone would want to harm these little ones. That persons given a gift of life can take it savagely slowly over years or in a blink of an eye. For what?! The child won't stop crying? The bed is wet? The child is interrupting they're game or fun?

Countless couple's are wishing for a child of their own. And yet, we have dumpster babies and abused children that would flourish in a loving household.

There was a time when my Dad worked in a E. R. and he would tell me of stories about children brought in with cigarette burns, 2nd or 3rd degree burns on various parts of the body due to his/her parent and or molested. He was deeply effected by these children. And he didn't understand how someone could do something so heinous to a child.

I was abused as a young child by my Stepfather, Mark. He would beat on my Mom but as soon as she fought back he stopped. But he needed to redirect his anger somewhere else. So, while Mom was at work he turned to me... I didn't understand how in a split second we could be having a fun time and the next he was beating the crap out of me for no reason or for spilling milk.

Fast forward, I'm in an abusive situation with my ex-husband. I knew something was wrong each time I came in the house after I had been gone for awhile. The kids and my ex looked staged, stiff and tense. He had no qualms about going after the kids while I was home, which many times I would jump in or fight him to stop doing so.

The children would say there was no problems.
Dad was fine.
He was cool.

I knew in my heart it wasn't right. I know I can't take back that time. I know I am responsible in some part for staying. For believing my ex when he said I wouldn't be able to live without him. That I was worthless. That I would end up as a whore because no one would want me.  And no one would take care of me the way he did. (How warped is that?!) I'm slowly finding out how mean he was to the kids while I was out of the house or even in another room! I feel horrible about this!

I could tell you I slipped back into another bad abusive relationship. I could tell you I took up partying, drinking and a string of boyfriends. But I didn't. I was lucky! There are many women that get caught up in never changing they're circumstances. They are forever on a Merry-go-round of useless or abusive men that end up beating their kids.

I've already told my husband, Terry, that if he lays a hand on the kids we are over. Trust me, my 14 year old is a lot like her Dad, Rob and she can really push Terry's buttons!

Learning my new husband is not my ex is another experience. I have learn not to compare the two of them. They aren't anything alike! We are not without issues but there is no fear of him coming home. He doesn't stalk me. He doesn't call me dozens of time in the day. He doesn't accuse me of fooling around. He doesn't time me when I'm on errands. The list goes on and on...

If you know someone in an abusive situation or that might be, please support them, listen to them and get them help if they are ready.

If you can't leave for you please do it for your children! 

Let your child know about Teen stalking and abuse.

Educate!
Break the Silence!
Listen to your gut about a situation or person.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Happily ever after...

I went through with it. I confessed to Terry some of my fears. God love him! He gave me some time to think and offered to call everything off. I felt so silly. I hyperventilated the whole week prior.  The big day came and the big day was beautiful! We couldn't have asked for better weather! We had a quick ceremony at church and then everyone piled into their cars and traveled down to the homestead, to feast on yummy food brought by my family and friends.

I got my Final Decree in the mail. It was very emotional for me. I cried for a bit. Feeling relief, overwhelmed, joy. I remain cautious while out and about as well as at home. 

Remember, yes there can be a "Happily ever ..." after a DV relationship.

It starts with -

*Leaving a paper trail. Tell anyone you can about the abuse. File police reports and Orders of Protection!

*Making a Safety plan

*Leaving your abuser

*Ditching the ties with the Abuser and possibly his/her family. There are times when some families say they are your allies but as time progresses true colors come out or fear of your abuser get to them. They may become defensive or defend the abuser. Suddenly, your support from his/her side wavers and poof! You could become the bad guy! Leaving you to scratch your head...

*Learning to live again without CHAOS! My daughter was on the phone with a friend and she could hear the dad yelling at the mom. My daughter J, was sad for her friend. But happy that's not a part of our lives anymore!

*LOVING YOURSELF! That's a hard one, at least it was/is for me.

* Stop blaming YOURSELF! It's hard not silence the nagging little voice of your abuser that can pop up randomly.

*BREAK the PATTERN of the same type of love relationships. You meet Mr./Mrs. Wonderful at a bar and they seem to always be losers. HELLO! Or you seem to keep attracting the same type of bad personality? It happens to many women/men. Your not alone! I was asked to date on various occassions but something seemed off and not right. Glad I listened to my inner guts, because lo and behold BINGO Dr. Hyde comes out.

*Don't bed the first person that sweeps you off your feet. Take time to get to know the person. Don't be afraid to ask his/her friends and family about this person. Google them!

Now don't email me about the laws on this stuff, I'm no attorney. I found out one gentleman was deep into BD/SM (Not that I am knocking that, it's just not a thing I want to jump back into. Not my cup of tea) and he was asked to retire from the Police due to ties to several unsolved murders of prisoners and has had sexual assault charges brought against him by other female officers. THANK YOU GOOGLE!

If you still feel like he or she is too good to be true, hire a detective. Ask YOUR friends and family what they see or think. It helps to have another pair of eyes to see what you may "not" want to see. You can see Mr./Mrs. Wonderful through rose colored glasses. So be open to hear what they have to say!

*Change you! You are deserving of happiness and joy! Break any kind of habits that aren't good for you. (In my own opinion) Smoking, drugs, alcohol, anything that is illegal. Maybe partying all night. Dressing provocatively. I personally want a person to be attracted to me, not the clothes I'm wearing. I want their eyes to be fixed on mine not my breasts or my behind. You attract what you put out there. I'm more modest at my old age.

*Start your change by taking up a long forgotten hobby, Vision (Wish/Prayer) board or create a Bucket list of things you want to do (See previous posts). Whether it's losing weight, breaking out your glue gun, writing, singing, dancing or what have you. The world is still your oyster! Grab it!

*Think positive! Kick old thoughts to the curb. Challenge yourself to say something positive to yourself or those around you.  Remember if you have children (pets) that have endured abuse they need a boost too! Get them involved in making a positive change for the better. Remind children that the relationship you had with your abuser is not the "Norm". That there is better times. That they can do anything they put they're minds to! Remind them that Dad (or Boy/Girlfriend) or Mom's behavior is their's. They can break and make new positive patterns. They are capable of great things too!

All of these take time. They can happen with baby steps, courage, persistance and love. Oh, there will be bumps in the road. (Terry and I have issues but they are nothing compared to the relationship I had with my EX)

Talk to someone, a counselor, friend or family member. Please remember your not alone! There are others just like you suffering in silence. Break the chain! Stand up! Don't take anymore! (I am not encouraging anyone to take another life here)

Get away safely or call the police to keep your abuser away. Tell someone! Anyone! Write a blog! Keep your face in your blog so you keep a name with your face. That you are a person that doesn't want to end up splashed on the news as a statistic.

God bless and keep you Dear Blog reader!

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Counseling sucks!

I'm not digging this counseling idea at all! Therapeutic counseling is not suited for those that went through a Abusive situation in my personal opinion. I have had more anxiety about these visits leading to my ulcer acting up and mini meltdowns.

So now the kids have an appointment earlier this week and come to find out that J has entertained killing herself again. I question the way the counselor aimed the question and plan to ask next time we go to a session. She was diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety and something else. The doctor prescribed Prozac. I'm less then tickled about this choice but due to her swinging moods that sometime mirror her father when he was younger, I'm unclear what is just plain teen moods or something more.

J, is happy to be home and she feels as though she was kind of tricked with the questioning. I wasn't in the room and don't know for sure. We talked about her feelings, why she felt that way and boy does she has some deep concerns about her father. Both my girls are struggling with anger, sadness and fear. I don't know how to help them. I've asked them to share what they have experienced, begged them to write down anything they remember, but they choose to bottle the memories until they have a emotional roller coaster. Both girls say they are really happy to be where we are now. R doesn't know where we live and they feel safe for the first time in a long time.

I am apprehensive to take them back. It's court ordered and neither want to go again. We haven't even began to discuss meeting with R and the girls or M with me. I dreaded the possibility that R may follow me home.

As we get closer to our Final court date I still feel nervous. I wish the judge would just say we are done rather then having a Hearing. I actually did start to mention that we are planning on having a BBQ to celebrate. But I know due to R's fixation he won't be out of our hair. I keep getting reminders from others not to forget that.

Thank the Lord for the strength He has given us to keep going... I still question my parenting skills and whether I'm a good Mom. I question everything. I also still struggle with breaking free of unnecessary habits, such as doing the dishes (Ok I slack at drying them)

Leaving Mr. or Ms. Abuser

So you have decided to do it or for whatever reason you are out!

YEA YOU!

If you had time to plan your big leap great!

If you didn't and are out of the house and wonder how to get your things from the bum think about this.

Your alive! THINGS can be REPLACED! Staying in a toxic relationship because you have property that you are fixing up together or selling or because you will be damned if you leave first is stupid!

Get your head out of your butt!

There is no price tag on your life or the lives of your child or pets.

I ended up selling or throwing out the things I did manage to get back from Rob because of the memories attached. The things that he broke or sold instead of giving them back to me after time I realized I really didn't need them.

Check out my Checklist for leaving your abuser entry if you have time to plan.

There is never a good time to leave a relationship. But there is never a bad time to leave a toxic abusive relationship!

Stay safe!

The effects of Family Violence with children

From the cradle our children are trusting, relying on us as parents to keep them safe from harm. To be given this privilege for this tiny human is just mind blowing to me! I feel shame and do take a lot of responsiblity for not leaving my partner sooner. They had to endure and see so much hurt, anger and grief. I consider us lucky that we did not have the heartbreak of facing sexual abuse. Though any type of abuse is heartwretching.

I can relate to this article even now. The after effects of being in that type of relationship 24/7 are even more extreme. Kids feeling the blame for the ending of the relationship, especially if the other has told them so. Feelings conflicted because they wanted out as much as Mom or Dad but now that it's a reality they feel angry or hurt. Been there myself as a 14 year old, fighting tooth and nail with my Mom but knowing going back to what she left was ridiculous and I was totally unsure why I felt that way!

Getting help or out of the relationship as quickly as you can is highly suggestible. Though you personally maybe going something terrible, think of your children witnessing it. Think of how much this effects them! Especially if the Honeymoon fades and things settle back to "normal". You are not alone with your partner in this ride. You have kids that are watching everything or hearing everything. They have a tendency to know when things are off even if they were not there to see the episode.

Please leave! If you can't do it please get help or leave for the children. And if you are the abuser please get help for your children and fo you!

Off my soap box!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From- http://www.acadv.org/children.html

Domestic violence affects every member of the family, including the children. Family violence creates a home environment where children live in constant fear.
Children who witness family violence are affected in ways similar to children who are physically abused.. They are often unable to establish nurturing bonds with either parent Children are at greater risk for abuse and neglect if they live in a violent home.
Statistics show that over 3 million children witness violence in their home each year. Those who see and hear violence in the home suffer physically and emotionally.

"Families under stress produce children under stress. If a spouse is being abused and there are children in the home, the children are affected by the abuse." (Ackerman and Pickering, 1989) Dynamics of domestic violence are unhealthy for children: control of family by one dominant member. abuse of a parent. isolation. protecting the "family secret". Children react to their environment in different ways, and reactions can vary depending on the child's gender and age.

Children exposed to family violence are more likely to develop social, emotional, psychological and or behavioral problems than those who are not. Recent research indicates that children who witness domestic violence show more anxiety, low self esteem, depression, anger and temperament problems than children who do not witness violence in the home. The trauma they experience can show up in emotional, behavioral, social and physical disturbances that effect their development and can continue into adulthood. Some potential effects: Emotional Grief for family and personal losses. Shame, guilt, and self blame. Confusion about conflicting feelings toward parents. Fear of abandonment, or expressing emotions, the unknown or personal injury. Anger. Depression and feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. Embarrassment. Behavioral Acting out or withdrawing. Aggressive or passive. Refusing to go to school. Care taking; acting as a parent substitute. Lying to avoid confrontation. Rigid defenses. Excessive attention seeking. Bedwetting and nightmares. Out of control behavior. Reduced intellectual competency. Manipulation, dependency, mood swings. Social Isolation from friends and relatives. Stormy relationships. Difficulty in trusting, especially adults. Poor anger management and problem solving skills. Excessive social involvement to avoid home. Passivity with peers or bullying. Engaged in exploitative relationships as perpetrator or victim. Physical Somatic complaints, headaches and stomachaches. Nervous, anxious, short attention span. Tired and lethargic. Frequently ill. Poor personal hygiene. Regression in development. High risk play. Self abuse

For Parents

Giving Children Love and Care

Nurturing children from abusive homes can bring healing to their lives. In giving needed love and care to children, it is important for a parent to reflect these essentials: Trust and Respect Acknowledge children's right to have their own feelings, friends, activities and opinions. Promote independence, allow for privacy and respect their feelings for the other parent. Believe in them. Provide Emotional Security Talk and act so children feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves. Be gentle. Be dependable. Provide Physical Security Provide healthy food, safe shelter and appropriate clothing. Teach personal hygiene and nutrition. Monitor safety. Maintain a family routine. Attend to wounds. Provide Discipline Be consistent; ensure that rules are appropriate to age and development of the child. Be clear about limits and expectations. Use discipline to give instruction, not to punish. Give Time Participate in your children's lives, in their activities, school, sports, special events, celebrations and friends. Include your children in your activities. Reveal who you are to your children. Encourage and Support Be affirming. Encourage children to follow their interests. Let children disagree with you. Recognize improvement. Teach new skills. Let them make mistakes. Give Affection Express verbal and physical affection. Be affectionate when your children are physically or emotionally hurt. Care for Yourself Give yourself personal time. Keep yourself healthy. Maintain friendships. Accept love.

Safety Is for Children, Too

A Child's Own Safety Plan Go here for a page where children can enter important personal information that they can print out and refer to in a crisis.

Child Victim/Witness of Domestic Violence Age-specific indicators Infants Basic need for attachment is disrupted. Routines around feeding/sleeping are disturbed. Injuries while "caught in the crossfire". Irritability or inconsolable crying. Frequent illness. Difficulty sleeping. Diarrhea. Developmental delays. Lack of responsiveness. Preschool Somatic or psychosomatic complaints. Regression. Irritability. Fearful of being alone. Extreme separation anxiety. Developmental delays. Sympathetic toward mother. Elmentary Age Vacillate between being eager to please and being hostile. Verbal about home life. Developmental delays. Externalized behavior problems. Inadequate social skill development. Gender role modeling creates conflict/confusion. Preadolescence Behavior problems become more serious. Increased internalized behavior difficulties: depression, isolation, withdrawal. Emotional difficulties: shame, fear, confusion, rage. Poor social skills. Developmental delays. Protection of mother, sees her as "weak". Guarded/secretive about family. Adolescence Internalized and externalized behavior problems can become extreme and dangerous: drug/alcohol, truancy, gangs, sexual acting out, pregnancy, runaway, suicidal. Dating relationships may reflect violence learned or witnessed in the home. From Boulder (CO) County Safehouse

Working with Children Trust is a major factor when working with children exposed to domestic violence. Children need a safe place with an adult they can trust to begin healing. When first working with a child, it is helpful to ask what makes her/him feel comfortable and uncomfortable with adults. Listen to children and provide them with space and respect. Let children know you care about them, that there are adults interested in their opinions, thoughts and ideas. Use books on the subject to help open children up. Use art, music, drama, and play to help children express themselves. Refer children to professional counselors, as needed. Connect children to organizations in the community that work with youth, as appropriate. Help children develop age-appropriate and realistic safety plans. Tell them often that someone cares From the Illinois Coalition Aginst Domestic Violence newsletter, spring 2000

Statistics Each year an estimated 3.3 million children are exposed to violence against their mothers or female caretakers by family members. (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family,1996) Studies show that child abuse occurs in 30 to 60 percent of family violence cases that involve families with children. (J.L. Edleson, "The overlap between child maltreatment and woman battering." Violence Against Women, February, 1999.) A survey of 6,000 American families found that 50 percent of men who assault their wives, also abuse their children. (Pagelow, "The Forgotten Victims: Children of Domestic Violence," 1989) Research shows that 80 to 90 percent of children living in homes where there is domestic violence are aware of the violence. (Pagelow, "Effects of Domestic Violence on Children," Mediation Quarterly, 1990) A number one predictor of child abuse is woman abuse. (Stark and Flitcraft, "Women at Risk: A Feminist Perspective on Child Abuse," International Journal of Health Services, 1988) The more severe the abuse of the mother, the worse the child abuse. (Bowker, Arbitell, and McFerron, "On the Relationship Between Wife Beating and Child Abuse," Perspectives on Wife Abuse, 1988) Some 80 percent of child fatilities within the family are attributable to fathers or father surrogates. (Bergman, Larsen and Mueller, "Changing Spectrum of Serious Child Abuse," Pediatrics, 1986) In families where the mother is assaulted by the father, daughters are at risk of sexual abuse 6.51 times greater than girls in non-abusive families (Bowker, Arbitell and McFerron, 1988) A child's exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk fact for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family,1996) Male children who witness the abuse of mothers by fathers are more likely to become men who batter in adulthood than those male children from homes free of violence (Rosenbaum and O'Leary, "Children: The Unintended Victims of Marital Violence," American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 1981) Older children are frequently assaulted when they intervene to defend or protect their mothers. (Hilberman and Munson, "Sixty Battered Women," Victimology: An International Journal, 1977-78) In a 36-month study of 146 children, ages 11-17 who came from homes where there was domestic violence, all sons over the age of 14 attempted to protect their mothers from attacks. Some 62 percent were injured in the process. (Roy, 1988)