Article on Soul-mate to Psychopath

There is an amazing amount of similarities between Soon To Be Ex in this article. This is one of the labels placed on him during a stint in the hospital for a suicide attempt in 2007 and 2009, amongst a  number of other labels.

When you are in the beginning of this type of relationship you may not notice or blow off somethings. He may just seem like a tough cookie but you learn later he's (or she) is really burnt around the edges and should be discarded (skip the compost pile and break it up before you place this cookie in the garbage!).

If you know someone that is some sort of abusive relationship PLEASE encourage them to get out. If you have children in a abusive relationship the damage done may not show up until months or years after leaving. I can not stress that if you can not leave the relationship for you PLEASE think of your children.

If your child grew up to find a abusive partner what would you tell him (her)? We tend to think in the moment about things in our lives and we should really be thinking about the future...

Be safe!
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Soul-mate to Psychopath: The Most Dangerous Perpetrators of Family Violence

Successful psychopaths are not easy to recognize, although most people think they would be easy to spot... (Hmmm, I think I need a psychopath detector. Anyone know where I can get one of them on a budget? Pocket size would be best...)

Would You Spot a Psycho?

(Please note - model shown for illustration only. Image courtesy of: djcodrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Profile of a Successful Psychopath:

Successful psychopaths and sociopaths are very hard to spot, and there are no foolproof guidelines that will help us to recognize them. Most people think of psychopaths as sleazy characters and/or repeat criminals. They may imagine somebody with a dark personality or a man with an insane look in his eye. Most think of a person like Hannibal Lecter in the movie Silence of the Lambs, or real life people like Charles Manson or Jack the Ripper. While this description might be true for unsuccessful psycho's, it is not always true for successful psychopaths.

No, he couldn't be.....surely?

(Please note - model shown for illustration only. Image courtesy of: djcodrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Do you know a Successful Psychopath?

One could be closer than you think....
Unfortunately, a successful psychopath is usually a person who most people would consider to be "a really nice guy/gal".  The reality is that they are quite difficult to profile, and in fact,  there are more psychopaths living among us than we realize.
They may live next door, down the street, or perhaps even in the same house. This doesn't mean we all need to be paranoid, but it can pay to be cautious of people who display clusters of the personality and behavior traits mentioned below:

Those who have known them for longer will notice they can sometimes be:

• Superficially Charming
• Arrogant
• Ignorant
• Self-Important
• Non-genuine
• Unrealistic
• Irresponsible
• Inconsistent
• Dishonest
• Greedy
• Unreliable
• Insincere
• Grandiose
• Shallow
• Irrational
• Paranoid
• Promiscuous
• Domineering
• Judgmental
• Selfish

Most acquaintances, friends and extended family members will usually consider them to be:

• Charming
• Intelligent
• Polite
• Gallant
• Misunderstood
• Considerate
• Helpful
• Genuine
• Generous
• Caring
• Knowledgeable
• Capable
• Compassionate
• Impulsive
• Likable
• Sincere
• Romantic
• Emotional
• A victim of circumstance
• Selfless

Their Victims and/or partners will find out that they can be:

• Unfaithful
• Callous
• Violent
• Vicious
• Cruel
• Sadistic
• Parasitic
• Malicious
• Misogynistic
• Contemptuous
• Narcissistic
• Manipulative
• Unpredictable
• Secretive
• Pretentious
• Conning
• Shameless
• Obsessive
• Authoritative
• Insensitive
• Egotistic
• Heartless
• Vengeful

So how do they fool others so effectively?

• They are unable to feel Remorse, Shame or Guilt.
• They are able to act as though they have normal emotions, very convincingly.
• They appear so likable because they mirror their victims' values, beliefs and interests.
• They are incapable of Unconditional Love.
• They are incapable of real human attachment to another.
• They have an unrealistic perception of themselves (narcissism, grandiosity, self-importance not based on achievements).
• They are Pathological Liars.
• They lack a realistic Life Plan.
• They often have a Parasitic Lifestyle.
• They are capable of Criminal Versatility and Entrepreneurial Versatility.
• They do not perceive that anything is wrong with them.
• They appear to be what ever they want you to think they are (Glibness/Superficial Charm).
• They are selective of which actions they will take responsibility for.
• They have an excessive need for Stimulation.
• They are very capable and skilled at subtle cruelty.
• They have a complete lack of Empathy.
• They have poor Behavioral Controls.
• They exhibit promiscuous Sexual Behavior.
• They are often guilty of Infidelity.
• They show contempt of those who seek to understand them.
• Their ultimate goals are the creation of willing victims and then enslavement of their victim(s).
• They exercise despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life.
• They have a need to justify their crimes and therefore need their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love).

Psychopathic Dads - Mum, There's a Monster in Your Bedroom!

If you can relate to any of the following, I suggest you run:

• Your partner claims to love and respect you, but you keep getting contradictory reports about what he says to your family and friends.
• A person you know insists that they are not violent yet regularly watches real life snuff videos, and other violent videos, and finds them amusing.
• You find the "computer illiterate" person in your life researching "how to thwart time date stamping" on a computer hackers web site.
• Your self-confessed homophobic partner gets emails from gay dating sites.
• After 2 months without being touched by your partner, you ask why and they say they are just not that interested in sex anymore, but then you find numerous stashes of hand cream, tissues and dirty jocks in various strange places around the house.
• You tell your "soul-mate" that their friend once raped you and they respond with "well that's ok, I raped him".
• You find a balaclava, shovel and rope in your partner's car and find yourself wondering if you are living with a serial killer
• A person who claims to love you more than anything puts a loaded weapon on the table, says that he knows of one way you can make life better for everyone around you and then goes out for two hours.
• Your kids tell you that there is a monster sleeping in your bedroom...

Sometimes your knight In shining armour is just a retard in tin foil

Please join me on FaceBook

• STOP the Violence Against Women & Children
  Organize to Resist! Together we can take on the Predators! Let's Break the Silence to End the Violence by working together to make our voices a Resounding SHOUT!!! Perpetrators BEWARE - you don't stand a chance!

Please Note:

_{All names in this article have been changed for legal purposes and to protect the privacy of the Author. Except where otherwise credited, or where text forms part of an external link, this article is under the following copyright:}

_{Copyright © 2010 Mel Stewart, "safe-at-last", of Perth, Western Australia. All rights reserved.}

_{All persons, places and objects shown in the images in this hub are are shown for illustrative purposes only. They bear no relation to any real person or event. All persons shown are paid models. Unless otherwise credited, all images are under the following copyright:
Copyright © 2010 Mel Stewart, "safe-at-last" and Licensors Nodtronics Pty Ltd. All rights reserved.}

Email to Inspiring Stories Mary Kay

I am a Mom of 4 great kids. I am 40 years old, married to my husband for over 21 years.

I am a Survivor of Domestic Abuse

I met Robert when I was a high school Sophomore. At 16, the world was my oyster and I of course knew it all. At the young age I was both blinded and scared of the attention Robert was giving to me. We dated on and off, each time I would break up with him, there he would be either waiting outside my bedroom window, following me everywhere and eventually threatening to kill my sisters and parents if I didn't make up with him. I was frightened of him and believed he would follow through with his threats.


 We married, I even went back and forth with this. I cried the day I was to get married. This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and I was filled with dread. Family and friends urged me to stop, but for fear of him harming everyone dear to me, I followed through. The day was horrible! I wanted to throw up. Afterwards he belittled me, I cried silently in the bathroom while friends and family celebrated.


Years later, it didn't get any better. He grew more and more abusive as time went on. Hitting, punching, raping, choking me, pulling my hair, holding knives to my throat and calling me so many vile things. After time I grew to believe everything he told me. I was worthless. Stupid. Fat. A cunt. Dumb spic. Only to be used and good on my knees. He told me no one would ever want me.  I should just go and stand in front of a bus to rid the world of my shit.


I did entertain thought of suicide, thinking that there had to be a better life or maybe he was right!
I had my place from time to time, naked on the floor at bedtime, if I disobeyed him by saying no to sex or if he just felt like I needed to be punished.  I was pushed out of his car more times then I could count. Locked outdoors in nothing but my pajamas in the winter. Oh and there is many other things this man put me and later the kids through.


We had children and though they are my blessings I felt as though I cursed them to a life of sadness and cruelty. I hoped when we had children he would change.


He didn't.


Money was a big problem, or lack there of. We fought over this tirelessly.
Sex was another problem. He was a sex addict. He cheated on me several times. We ended up swinging. I won't go into the details, but it made me feel so dirty, I would excuse myself to leave the room so he could do his thing. I would hide out in the kitchen or make up some excuse not to perform. Afterwards the encounters I was to have sex with him. He would force me to give him oral sex, even though he did not wipe himself clean after he had some woman or man. I was horrified and disgusted. I would cry in the shower, scrubbing my skin raw, I had to make sure I didn't make too much noise while I was crying, as not to draw attention to myself. I ended up with the parting gift of HSV2 from him bringing another woman into our home as his "Second wife" in title only, he wanted a Polyamory relationship. (that was in 2007)


8:00 was bedtime. Here I was over the age of 25 years old and I HAD to go to bed at 8:00. I would pay for being disobedient if I did not follow this instruction or the dozens of others he had for me. The kids could stay up until 10:00. They learned not to bother us (him) while we were in bed. They would have to have a good reason otherwise they would be in trouble.


He's abuse was not limited to me, after I left him the first time, I told him never to hit me again. He lied of course, but while I was not around he would hit the kids, pull they're hair, call them names, threaten to kill me and tell them "If Mom leaves me, it's your fault!" Something a 13 year old, 10 year old and 9 year old do not understand or need to hear. They carried alot on they're shoulders that I never knew about until after we left him. Even now it's slowly coming out. Today my now 13 year old daughter had a Anxiety attack. She is concerned that Dad will get unsupervised custody of her and her sister. (Her brother went back to Dad, he started a fire in my apartment closet and told me he would kill me while I slept if I did not take him back to his Dad).


Even after leaving him two times in 2007 the abuse did not stop. I slept with a knife under my pillow, while he slept he would kick me, push me, bite me and choke me. He claimed he never remembered doing something like that. He said if I wanted to leave him fine! I would never leave again with anything. I leave with just me. I don't get the kids and not to be surprised if I heard the kids were in an "accident" by CO2. Or he would ask me which child I wanted dead? He would kill one of them in they're sleep. Pick one, he would tell me. I stayed. I cried and I stayed.


He spanked me in front of the kids. He eventually thought it was funny to have the kids spank me. They would protest, cry and say "Stop hurting Mom". He would swing and swing, thinking it was funny. Afterwards to make up he would treat the kids to food out at McDonald's or candy. For me? He would demand sex, telling me he wouldn't do it again, only for the honeymoon period to be over after a day or week and if we were lucky a month!


My oldest daughter bravely would bring me ice for any bumps or wipe my tears or help with any bloody lips. We would panic if we heard him come back in the room or house. I'm sorry I'm jumping around there is so much to tell!


I left him 3 times and on that 3rd time I stayed gone. That was Feb 25, 2009. Though I am still trying to get divorced I still consider that my Independence Day. Each time we left he threatened to kill himself. He was admitted into the hospital psych ward 4 times. Each failed.


He hired someone to stalk me and eventually to kill me in the spring of 2009. For $5,000, this person was to murder me, take pictures of my body, bury me and to bring Robert the pictures after. Luckily, the people he asked told other family members. They gave statements to the police department. He has not been persecuted. Not enough evidence. I'm still stunned and upset by this. I have been assaulted every time he saw me in the year of 2009. I had a Order of Protection after the last attack. Of which he has violated more times then I can count. But he doesn't get more then a slap on the wrist.


My children have suffered with me. I regret not leaving him sooner. I don't regret my children but I feel very responsible for what they went through.
Like many here I  have at the time I was with him I had lost my family, my friends, my dignity and almost lost my life.


Robert still stalks me and harasses me and my new guy, Terry. Terry and I have have a 11 month old together, of which Robert and my son have stated in emails and voice messages they would harm or kill when given the chance. All of these things have fallen on deaf ears.


We have supervised visitation that was agreed to happen at Robert's Mom's house. During the calendar appointment to set up these arrangements in November 2007, Robert didn't like how things were going and he left for about 5 minutes or so. Now the funny thing is during the time he left (my partner Terry was on the other side of the courthouse and my son on another.)Terry was attacked physically by my son not even 10 minutes later after Robert left. The event was seen by the Police officers in the courthouse building. My son stated he was going to kill Terry but decided to beat him up instead. Terry did not file charges. The officers told him not to worry it was out of his hands and my son would be persecuted. My son was detained and handcuffed, not charged. Due to a mix up with the police report, Terry later found out that in the police report my son was labeled as the victim and Terry the assailant. I believe Robert planned the incident, but that is only my opinion.


During the girls last visitation on August 14th, my 13 year old daughter got into an argument with Robert. She ended up outside with her sister and brother. Robert was yelling at his Mother and his Father. This scared my 13 year old so she called the police. I was on my way to pick up the girls and found out about this from Robert's Mom, who was very upset and yelling on the phone for me to pick up the girls! I said what's going on?! She said it's Rob, they're fighting, come get the girls! I told her to call the police and she said she couldn't, pick up the girls now! And she hung up on me! I called the police and was informed my daughter was on the other line. I hung up and proceeded to get to the house.


Once I arrived, I found the girls outside, each one was upset, quiet and crying a bit. My sister in law was outside as well talking to the girls quietly. The baby had fallen asleep, I saw 5 squad cars in front of the house. I yelled for the girls but my sister in law came over to me instead of me going over. I didn't want to leave the baby alone while Robert was around. The police were detaining him inside.


My sister in law brought me up to speed. She also stated that while the girls were outside, Robert was shouting about me getting custody and saying he would do everything in his power to prevent that! Even if it meant slitting the kids throats! I was horrified! I told her to tell the police! A police man called her away and told me to take the girls home but before I left he would talk to me. He shared with me details, Robert claims our 13 year old said some "Choice words",he was just verbally disciplining her and Grandma agreed with Robert's statement. I did ask him about the threat to the girls, my sister in law and Mother in law did not tell him about that! He saw how upset I was about that, we talked a bit more and he gave me some advice. We left.


The next day I went to the police department and did receive a copy of the report, at which time I did see my sister in law and mother in law stated they heard Robert's threats. He was not charged. I did file Order of Protections for both girls! When Robert found out he was not happy. He was informed not to call, text or email me! The next day, He proceeded to call me, and I believe he made up a fake seizure for our son so he could talk to me. I did call the police again, Robert just happened to call me 2 times while the officer was there. The officer answered the second call, after trying to talk calmly to Robert, the call was getting heated on the other end! Robert was yelling at the officer! The officer told Robert he would be over to check on our son and he better answer the door! I found out later an ambulance was called, our son was OK! Robert was once again told not to call, text or email me. The officer felt that it was a medical emergency and Robert went overboard. So it does not seem that he will file charges against him.
 Oh I could go on and on with more incidents of stalking, threats, statements from friends and family about run in's with Robert. I am living in fear that my husband will harm the kids or kill Terry and our new son or me.


After over 2 1/2 years he still wants me to come back. He still signs his letters, your loving husband, Rob. And he believes everything. I don't know who else to turn to! I have tried the Prosecutor, police and State's attorney. No help, I am Pro-Se and can not afford an attorney.


Our case is well known due to Robert threatening Attorney's, the GAL on our case and even a court appointed counselor. I just want to get our story out in case something happens to me.  The last time he saw the girls unsupervised he slapped our 13 year old for not wearing a bra. He bullied and screamed at them. He told our 13 year old she was the reason we were divorcing. That it was her fault! This drove her to thoughts of suicide. She has learned that she is not to blame! This has taken time.


The girls are slowly coming out of their shells! They are not as shy or sad as they once were. They have more friends,  A and B Honor roll, and are working on rebuilding their childhood. They are still haunted by bad dreams. Due to legal rights I can not just pick up and move without notifying him where are moving. He can also protest the move. I feel stuck.


The girls are scared and do not want to see Robert, but since he is paying child support and they're biological father he has rights to see them. Our divorce case has been tied up with pre-trial after pre-trial. No finalization decree. That would help me so much with some closure! Our next court date is in Oct of this year. Again this is just  a little bit of the things that went on, there is so many more things.

So he was normal when you met him?!

 OK, the question of the past year and months is, "Was he like this before you married him?" or "If he was like this why did you marry him?"

It starts subtly. Yes, I was young. I just turned 16 years old. Remember that age? You know it all? You have the world at your feet and feel invincible?

You brush off the warning signs, the bells that go off in your head. You chalk every one's comments to not understanding how you feel about him/her.

My family and friends saw it and I did too in small ways, but I just blew it off. Then when I really started to worry it was too late. At least that's how I saw it.

I believed him.

If you have stayed with me and read many of my posts, I apologize for sounding like a broken record.
He threatened to take the life of my sisters and parents. After a time he threatened to commit suicide. I stayed. Oh, he would be better! It was like a winding road, from one mile to the next mile, each turn twisting and then straightening out. Going around the bend and then starting all over again. Our weeks and months were like that. Soon it just becomes normal.

I stopped questioning the relationship between us. Kids came into the picture. I longed for the type of relationship I had seen in some new found friendships I had forged through my MOMS Club that I started when my second daughter was bit old.

I envied those. In my head I saw them all happy, normal and together lovingly.

I found out later many have they're own secrets and issues. No relationship is perfect. Everyone has some skeleton in the closet they hide from others. From binging on food, to sexual issues to addictions or abuse. No one is perfect or immune to difficulties.

I stayed because I really wanted it to work. Many in my family had broken marriages or relationships so I wanted to be the one that really stayed through thick and thin.

I couldn't do it. I felt as though I was losing my mind. I had built up both a fake facade for the public and for home. Only to drop my shield when I was alone with the kids or by myself. I cried and cried. I longed for stability. I cried to God because I questioned if this was how the rest of my life was to be?

Married to a sex addict,closet bisexual, abusive, food addict, shop-a-holic, labeled by a doctor with Borderline personality disorder, Intermittent Explosive disorder, Psychotic, depressed, anxieties, Anti-social disorder, Narcissistic and control freak? Yes that was him.

I wanted normal in and out of the bedroom. I wanted normal in and out of the house. I wanted normal for the kids. I wanted them to be kids and not have to hide or run when Dad came home. I wanted to be loved for me and not made into some trophy wife.

There came a time where I was driven to thoughts of suicide myself. At the urging of my STBX of course. I thought I was going insane. I thought I was the reason for the breakdown of us. I thought if I would be a "Good girl" and not "Cause him to get angry" it would be OK. I would try my darnedest to watch everything I said and did. Walking not beside him but behind him. A submissive wife. Yielding to his every whim and desire. Taking away my dignity and self respect in the process, until I felt as though I was just a shell.

Those close to me could tell immediately the change when he was around me. I went to smiling to bleak and mousy. Looking down all the time. Someone said it looked as though I was in a panic for no reason at all.

Of course there is no real normal, but a happy place where things can be very satisfying and brings joy, not fear. Love and not hatred. Happy and not longing for another life.

Old and new loves

Five women with five entirely different relationships but each have one thing in common.

Love

Each one was or is a Victim of Domestic/Family Violence.


I hung up the phone several times during the past few months with tears in my eyes, being unable to comprehend what I just heard. Replaying the conversation in my mind and it is just too worrisome to think about.
She is taking him back.

Each of these stories they remind me a bit about my own story. Snippets of situations between each of these women mirror my own.

Woman 1:
Married
Several children

Outwardly the couple seems like a model couple, kids are happy, family outings, and members of a church that they attend regularly. No one would guess he is verbally abusive. Physically this has taken quite a toll on her body. She has health issues that were discovered to be caused by stress.

She wants to save her marriage. They are in counseling and are working on the marriage to keep it together. I was not surprised and admire her strength and the love she has for her mate to make things work for them and their children.

Woman 2:
Just recently Divorced
Children from a previous marriage

History of violence between the 2 of them. He seems to continually run with a mean streak. She is not happy but fears she will never find another. She puts up with the violence and sexual addictions. She has been in and out of living with him. The excuse is that he is good to her children. Marriage is not in the future because he does not believe in it.

I have known her for a long time. We have more then history, she is also the woman my STBX had moved into our home back in 2007. I have seen her take her mate back after he beat her severely. He would tell her that he loved her, cared for her, wants to take care of her. Both have had a string of affairs with men and women, swinging, both together and while they were apart. She confides that he is a cross dresser, closet bisexual male and loves to victimize her often. While drinking he tends to become heavy handed.

She stays...

Woman 3:
Married
No children

The history here is similar to the above ladies. In and out of the relationship. Listening and craving love from someone that promises her the world, only to spin out of the "Honeymoon cycle" to abuse her one way or another.

He loves to put her down, which causes her to doubt herself, love herself and places fear of not finding someone else down the road. They have been on and off for a number of years, each time he promises her he will change, that he will get help and he loves her. While separated both have had other short or implusive relationships with others, causing more troubles as he throws them in her face.

Drinking and drugs fuel angry outbursts and inappropiate behavior like a ticking time bomb. She waits for the other shoe to drop.  After a recent explosive episode and some time apart... She took him back.

Woman 4:
Separated
Children with husband and new man in her life

Violent marriage, many forms of abuse were endured, sexual, mental, verbal and she finally left him after many years. The roller coaster of the divorce is still hurtful. In the beginning, the same self doubt that plagues many victims is in her mind. She won't make it without him or she will be back begging him to take her back.

She stays gone, but jumps into a relationship that seemed perfect a month after leaving her husband.

He is a great guy, good job, loves kids and has a child from a previous marriage that broke up a few years back.

 She misses the warning signs in the relationship. Something just doesn't seem right. Mr. Wonderful is Bisexual. He checks out gay porn and regular porn. A frequent flier on Craigslist and some other websites. He has a secret email address, pictures of men and women. He strays, confesses to her that he had oral sex with another man. He promises he will try to stop, he loves her and cares deeply for her and the children. She took him back.

Sex is non-existent, but she craves love so deeply she continues to look the other way even though it is tearing her apart. She stays, not wanting to upset the kids and not wanting to have to explain to family and friends about the seemingly perfect relationship breaking up. Though to everyone that knows them marriage is inevitable down the road.

Woman 5:
Divorced
2 kids from another relationship

In and out of relationships. She finally found a keeper! He ends up having an accident and unable to work. He starts drinking. He calls her names, calls her kids names and accuses her constantly of seeing other men.  He checks up on her about every half hour. And gets upset if she does not take her calls.

They don't go anywhere. He complains they have no money to do anything. But there is always money for beer and cigarettes. She has no friends anymore. She only goes to work at a local Walmart. Even though she put herself through school, the job outlook for her is grim. She does not believe she will find anyone that will take her, love her and her children.

He gets the family kicked out of a trailer park they just moved to. Now living with her parents, emotions run high. He leaves out of state and tells her he will be back, he misses her and loves her. He promises he will stop drinking and stop verbally abusing them.

She took him back.

Each of these ladies have a different story but so many things sound the same.

Each lady is a smart woman, strong woman and capable of not needing they're mate to survive.

Each woman has gotten to the point where they're self esteem is in the toliet. Love is so strong for they're mates they want to make it work. They long for love and even though the love comes with strings, each one is trying again to make it work.

Each story left me scratching my head. Each one made me sad. Each story reminded me of me in small way. I pray that each find the happiness they crave. I hope each learns to love herself and if they have to leave the relationship may they know that they do not need to be a victim anymore.

I feel privileged that each allowed me into a view of they're lives. I listen, I chime in on occassion to a person with my own experiences. I can not tell anyone when to leave. I can not tell anyone to stay. I can tell them to listen to they're own inner voice to know.

They each need to know that they need to do what they need to do for themselves and for children (if they have them). They need to know they are worthy of finding a real love or need to love themselves again.

No person is worth taking one's own life. I been there before too. I was suicidal and my STBX was my cheerleader for me to take my life. In a way I did not want to give him any satisfaction that he got to me. I did not want my children to end up with him, without me and what I chicken I was for allowing my mind to let me give up that easy.

Working on your relationship is hard work! Communication is a vital factor in a troubled relationship. There is also prayer, counseling and support groups for couple's and individuals for help as well. Finding a person you can trust and lean on during troubles is also wonderful to have!

It doesn't matter if you are in a old love or new love. Challenges are in all relationships, even one's without abuse.

Addictions and DV

I have been learning much about DV and FV with regard to addictions. In many cases an Abuser never lifted a hand until the Abuser began to drink or use drugs. Studies have shown that many incidents of abuse occur when someone has had too many or indulged in some substance. The satistics are staggering!

Violence and addictive disorders coexist.

Domestic violence and family violence are associated with substance-related disorders. Alcohol sharply diminished impulse control; drugs of greatest concern are stimulants, as they can increase paranoia and lead to preemptive violence. In a survey of 12,360 children from single-family households where at least one parent filled out an alcohol use questionnaire, children of women classified as problem drinkers had more than twice the risk of serious injury as matched controls. There was a statistically significant relationship between the number of alcohol-related problems the women had and the risk of injury to their children (Bijur et al, 1992). Nearly 75% of all wives of alcoholics have been threatened, and 45% have been assaulted by their addicted partners (AMA, 1992).

In a recent study of 62 episodes of domestic assault in which police were summoned, 92% of the assailants reportedly used alcohol or other drugs on the day of the assault, and 72% had a prior arrest for substance abuse (Brookoff et al., 1997).In a study of 400 women, 67% of their batterers frequently abused alcohol. However, not all batterers drink. To assume that alcohol causes battering is to relieve the batterer of responsibility and to deduce that violence will cease with abstinence. In actuality, while substance abuse and violent behavior frequently coexist, the violent behavior will not end unless interventions address the violence as well as the addiction (AMA, 1992.)
 
Not only is domestic violence perpetrated by the alcoholic spouse on the sober spouse, it is also inflicted on the alcoholic spouse by the sober spouse. This is particularly true when it is the woman who is drinking. Several studies have found an association between female drinking and increased victimization in marital violence (Miller and Downs, 1993; Kaufman-Kantor and Straus, 1989). According to a 1992 U.S. survey of alcohol and family violence, a wife¹s drinking, whether alone or with her husband, led to more severe violence both by and toward the wife (Wisnack et al., 1994). In a study of 100 alcoholic women physicians (Bissell & Skorina, 1987), 22 women had been beaten and 21 had beaten spouses or lovers themselves.
"Date rape" is also facilitated by substance abuse. Two studies show that up to 50% of sexual assaults by acquaintances involve alcohol consumption by the victim or the assailant (Koss et al, 1987; Muehlenhard and Linton, 1987). In an acquaintance rape situation, both men and women who learn about it consider the incident less likely to be a rape if the victim and assailant had been drinking together (Norris & Cubbins, 1992). Both men and women attributed more responsibility for the assault to an intoxicated rape victim than to a sober one; at the same time, the offender was blamed less when he was drunk than sober. This attitude makes women who have been sexually assaulted while drinking, more reluctant to report it.
 
Domestic violence in lesbian relationships occurs at about the same rate as in heterosexual relationships, and as in heterosexual relationships, alcohol may play a large role. Several studies report that almost one-third of all women who identify themselves as lesbians drink excessively or experience alcohol-related problems (Norris, 1994). In a mail survey of members of a lesbian organization, 37% reported being in a past or present abusive relationship. 64% reported that alcohol or drugs were involved prior to or during incidents of battering. Drinking was significantly correlated both with being the victim of abuse and with being the perpetrator (Schilit et al., 1990).
 
Addictive sexual disorders (Irons & Schneider, 1997) are frequently associated with domestic violence, although no statistical studies on this association are yet available. Many of the same factors that predispose an individual to the development of an addictive or compulsive sexual disorder can also predispose one to being a participant in a violent relationship.
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I personally, can not relate to this because my Abuser did not use drugs or drank. I was still a Co-dependant, fueling his need for his desires that were sexually related. My Abuser used used many of these things. After a time the desire to be loved was so great for me that I became a participant in many of his devious fantasies. The need to inflict pain did not stop with a few slaps. I saw him lost in a world all his own.
***********************************************************************

Addictive sexual disorders

When a person evidences a pervasive pattern of sexual behavior over which there is loss of control, continuation despite adverse consequences, and which includes preoccupation or obsession, that person has an addictive sexual disorder. The range of fantasies, urges, and behaviors that can be considered addictive sexual disorders may be appreciated by reviewing the ten categories developed by Carnes (1991):
Table 4: Categories of Addictive Sexual Disorders
 
1. Fantasy sex: Sexual fantasy life and consequences due to obsession.
2. Seductive-role sex: Seductive behavior for conquest. Multiple relationships, affairs, and unsuccessful serial relationships.
3. Anonymous sex: Engaging in sex with anonymous partners, having one-night stands.
4. Paying for sex: Paying prostitutes for sex, paying for sexually explicit phone calls.
5. Trading sex: Receiving money or drugs for sex or using sex as a business. Highly correlated with swapping partners and using nudist clubs to find sex partners.
6. Voyeuristic sex: Forms of visual sex, including pornography, window peeping, and secret observation. Highly correlated with excessive masturbation, even to the point of injury.
7. Exhibitionist sex: Exposing oneself in public places or from the home or car, wearing clothes designed to expose.
8. Intrusive sex: Touching without permission, using position or power (e.g. professional, religious) to sexually exploit another person, rape.
9. Pain exchange: Causing or receiving pain to enhance sexual pleasure. Use of dramatic roles, sexual aids, and animals are common themes.
10. Exploitative sex: Use or force or partner vulnerability to gain sexual access. Examples include sexual assault and professional sexual misconduct.
Schneider & Irons (1996) placed addictive sexual disorders within the context of the DSMIV (1994). Addictive sexual disorders, although not a separate disorder within this manual, are subsumed within several diagnostic categories in the DSMIV: paraphilia, impulse control disorder, or sexual disorder not otherwise specified.
 
Five of Carnes¹ categories can be readily identified in the DSM-IV as specific paraphilias. Paraphilias are defined as recurrent, intense sexual urges, fantasies, or behaviors that involve unusual objects, activities, or situations that occur over a period of at least six months and cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The five categories that constitute paraphilias include voyeuristic sex, exhibitionistic sex, pain exchange (sexual sadism, sexual masochism), some types of intrusive sex (frotteurism, or inappropriate touch), and exploitative sex (pedophilia). Four of the remaining categories may be correlated with paraphilias: fantasy sex may be associated with paraphilic urges not acted upon, anonymous sex may be used to express paraphilic behavior with decreased risk of consequences, and paying for sex and trading sex are means by which a partner who may permit paraphilic activity may be purchased. A few cases of sexual excess represent an impulse-control disorder; most cases can best be viewed as an addiction.

In an intimate relationship in which at least one of the partners has an addictive sexual disorder, domestic sexual violence may be part of the addictive pattern. Fearful of abandonment or rejection, the partner is often vulnerable to coercion into participating in unwanted sexual activities. In a study of 100 couples recovering from sexual addiction, 50% of the non-addicted partners reported having engaged in sexual activities with which they were uncomfortable. In some cases these activities included sex in public places or with additional sexual partners (Schneider, & Schneider, 1990).

*************************************************************************
Many victims do pick up addictions of they're own, from drinking, or drug use, sex addictions or BD/SM involvement, gambling or many others. Losing yourself, if only for a moment into a reality that is not they're own but gives a alternative lifestyle that can give what the victims lack. A experience of bliss, even if it is to relax and let you forget your problems at home. 

Your not alone!

You can leave! If you have children with your Abuser the chances that they will become an Abuser of physical, emotional, sexual or addicted is high, due to what they witnessed. Break the chain! It's ok to be alone while you heal. There are places that will take you in while you get on your feet. De-program yourself to know you are worthy of so much more and you can do it!

Please get yourself help before it's too late!

Infidelity and my Gaslighter

After reading much on the subject of Abuse, I have found the majority have sex addictions or infidelity issues from time to time. A phone number, online porn, or a bj doesn't mean they cheated right? I'm not sure if that is a warped sense of morals or if it's just a male thing to think it's ok to do these things. Sex is sex? No kissing doesn't mean it's deep right? Or just because you didn't snuggle with the person doesn't mean it's cheating? Or maybe oral sex is ok to do! What trust do you violate when you do that?

Men have a hard time with fidelity issues. I do not make any excuse for them whatsoever. But there is such a thing as trying. Trying not to look at porn or checking out some random chick or Hey making out with someone isn't cheating. Now hold on! Am I right or wrong?

Bringing home a disease to your loved one is not cool. Cheating on your loved one, no matter which act you are choosing, whether in your mind thru fantasy or oral sex with some stranger. You are cheating real love, and if you have kids you are cheating them.

Children can learn about love from Mom and Dad. Violence, relationships with others, intimacy with a loved one, they see it all! When they are old enough they can learn that hey Mom/Dad do it, then it must be ok.

"Hey! That thing that's beating on the floor? Yea, that's my heart you didn't step on it hard enough" I am not sure what part of a relationship normal or with an Abuser is worse, knowing he/she is stepping out or knowing they are. Getting sloppy seconds or finding out that your mate is filling the time with others. It's all rotten! It's all stinks and it all is something to add to the ever growing list of crap in your life that you have to tackle.

I'm not one of those women that can turn the other cheek anymore. STBX wanted several wives, we actually looked into becoming Mormon. He thought that would justify his sick views on relationships. HMMM! What did it get us? Not only did that further break our relationship it caused us to get infected with a STD. Luckily it's HSV2 and not HIV or HPV. Not that that it's lucky to get an STD but I am thankful it is one treatable and the symtoms can lessen a bit. It helps if you don't have too much stress in your life, you eat right, exercise and keep healthy.

There is no excuse for any of the behaviors from Abusers. None of it is ok whether it is the hitting, infidelity,drug/alocohol abuse, the excuses, the promises of change. Of course finding a real relationship after you have been abused can be tricky! Find yourself again, don't be so quick to jump into the next relationship! If there is one thing I should have listened to was this. I won't change it, I'm happy with Mr. Wonderful, but I can see how it could have been not so pretty if he wasn't so wonderful.  I've seen many woman fall into the same pattern of abuse with the next guy and the next guy and so on and so on...

Do things you love to do!

Make a list of 25 things you always wanted to do and do them! Cooking? Learning to sew? Building something or volunteering for an organization! Now it's time to get your life back! Stay single for a bit. Enjoy getting to know you again.

Don't pine or wait for the next guy... Sex? It won't kill you to be without it, honest! Don't be one of those women that have the "2 year crazies" after they have broken up/divorced they're partner.

Will the next guy be a cheater? You will have trust issues! I can guarantee it! You will look at his mail or check out his phone. You will pepper him with questions about where he is. Even if the next guy doesn't take a swing at you, there will be suspicions or even wondering on your part. It's a hard habit to break! It's one of the many things that take getting used to NOT doing when you find a real relationship. Not every guy will hit you, not everyone will cheat or be a substance abuser. Take time, read, talk to a counselor, find a divorce support group. Or find a group online! Cafemom is a great place to start! It's free and there are a ton of boards on there with a variety of topics.

Signs of Abuse and Abusive relationships

From: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

Domestic Violence and Abuse

Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of size, gender, or strength, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.
Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, don’t hesitate to reach out. There is help available.

In This Article:

• Understanding domestic violence and abuse
• Signs of an abusive relationship
• Physical abuse and violence
• Emotional abuse
• Abusive behavior is a choice
• The cycle of violence
• Recognizing the warning signs
• Speak up if you suspect abuse
• Related links

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Understanding domestic violence and abuse

Women don’t have to live in fear:

• In the U.S., call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
• UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
• Canada: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-363-9010
• Australia: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800 200 526
• Or visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a worldwide list of helplines, shelters, and crisis centers.

Male victims of abuse can call:

In the US, The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women specializes in supporting male victims of abuse and offers a 24-hour helpline: 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754)
UK: ManKind Initiative offers a national helpline at 01823 334244.
Australia: One in Three Campaign offers help and resources for male victims.

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.

Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings	Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you: feel afraid of your partner much of the time? avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner? believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? wonder if you’re the one who is crazy? feel emotionally numb or helpless?	Does your partner: humiliate or yell at you? criticize you and put you down? treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? blame you for his own abusive behavior? see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats	Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner: have a bad and unpredictable temper? hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?  threaten to take your children away or harm them? threaten to commit suicide if you leave? force you to have sex? destroy your belongings?	Does your partner: act excessively jealous and possessive? control where you go or what you do? keep you from seeing your friends or family? limit your access to money, the phone, or the car? constantly check up on you?

Physical abuse and domestic violence

When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.

Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse

Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

It Is Still Abuse If . . .

• The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.
• The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.
• The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!
• There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.

Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska (PDF)

Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you think

When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want. 

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.

 

Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse

Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:

• Restricting you to an allowance.
• Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
• Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
• Stealing from you or taking your money.

Violent and abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

• Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
• Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
• Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
• Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
• Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
• Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Abusers are able to control their behavior—they do it all the time.

• Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
• Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
• Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
• Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

• Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
• Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
• Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
• "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
• Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
• Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.
• Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.
  

  The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example

  A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.
  Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

  Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse

  It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of emotional abuse and domestic violence. If you witness any warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.
  

  General warning signs of domestic abuse

  People who are being abused may:
  
  • Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.
  • Go along with everything their partner says and does.
  • Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing.
  • Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.
  • Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.

  Warning signs of physical violence

  People who are being physically abused may:
  
  • Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents.”
  • Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.
  • Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).

  Warning signs of isolation

  People who are being isolated by their abuser may:
  
  • Be restricted from seeing family and friends.
  • Rarely go out in public without their partner.
  • Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.

  The psychological warning signs of abuse

  People who are being abused may:
  
  • Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.
  • Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn).
  • Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.

  Speak up if you suspect domestic violence or abuse

  If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If you’re hesitating—telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong, or the person might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save his or her life.
  

  Do's and Don't's

  Do:
  

  • Ask if something is wrong.
  • Express concern.
  • Listen and validate.
  • Offer help.
  • Support his or her decisions.

  Don’t:
  

  • Wait for him or her to come to you.
  • Judge or blame.
  • Pressure him or her.
  • Give advice.
  • Place conditions on your support.

  
  Adapted from NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence
  Talk to the person in private and let him or her know that you’re concerned. Point out the things you’ve noticed that make you worried. Tell the person that you’re there, whenever he or she feels ready to talk. Reassure the person that you’ll keep whatever is said between the two of you, and let him or her know that you’ll help in any way you can.
  Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.

Remembering

July 22, 2009
More and more memories have been coming to mind lately. Things I had forgotten. I remember when I started to hate small places. Why I panic when something is covering my face. They both go hand and hand...69 and a 285 lb man is never a good thing.

I had the images the other day and I recall crying for him to get off of me, I couldn't breath, he just kept hollaring for me to shut up and keep sucking his *ick. (His words) I was panicking! I recall him biting me because I was crying. It was horrible anytime he asked me to do that and I dreaded it. I believe he got morbid pleaure out of smothering me. We stopped kissing one another a long time ago. I kept getting sick! I would tell him that I must be allergic to him. There's more hygiene related issues with his mouth but I won't go there.

I have had some bad dreams, I see R's face looming in the dark as if waiting to pounce. I remember him kicking me in the tailbone while I was painting in the back corner of the antique shop. I wasn't going fast enough! It really smarted but I had to suck back my tears while apologizing for not going quicker and I would try to work faster.

In many ways I hate that place! I love the people but hate it at the same time. I know how much blood, sweat and tears I put in that place literally. How many times I just sat in a dark corner of the back chocking my tears down or trying to cover up a bruise he left. I was worried his sister would say something to him about it, by telling anyone there would be hell to pay later.

I recall him coming home many times with a smile that would turn into a picture of hatred and anger in seconds. There was no reason, or the reasons sounded outlandish. A soggy sandwich, not enough ice in his water jug, the sun shined too much and gave him a headache...

How many times I literally had my back to the wall with his hands around my neck. Lord I don't miss that! He doesn't remember hitting me before we left him in February, he remembers nothing, not the kicking, threats, head banging or nasty words he would say.

A note to the GAL...

A note sent from my sister in law to the GAL. Names have been changed for legal purposes...

GAL,

My name is S. I am the sister of  R and the Aunt of M, J and A. Many months ago I was asked to contact you on the behalf of the children, but all of my attempts went unanswered. I figured that meant you didn't need my input. Well, I have just heard that you are siding with R in this matter and was forced to write to you, whether or not you want to read it.

Where shall I start? R is four years younger than I am and nine years younger that my sister. When did I learn that there was something wrong with him? One day we were rough playing in the back yard as children will. He was no more that 5. I usually let him win at most everything, but that day he landed flat on his back and got the wind knocked out of him. His eyes got big as he was clearly terrified. When he could breathe again he told me that if I ever did anything like that to him again, they would never find my body. Yes, I said he was 5. That was when it all started. Perhaps sooner, but being just a kid, maybe I didn't see it before that. A short time later, when R started going to school for the whole day, our mother got a job. As a result, we were left alone at home in the afternoons until our dad came home. (He was a tradesman and started very early and as a result was home first.) That hour or so became the most horrific time in my life. Especially once he started to get bigger than me. For years he would torment me. It was verbal at first, but the bigger he got, the bolder he got. Soon the violence began. His favorite trick was to take something that he knew I held dear and throw it out into the three feet of snow in the front yard. As soon as I ran out after it, he would lock me out. No shoes, no coat. Luckily for me we had a VERY nice elderly couple for neighbors and she always let me stay with her.

Where was our sister in all of this? Well she was older. She got a job downtown as part of a work study program when she was 16 (that makes me 11 and Rob 7). After that she was never really around.

I don't know if you have any siblings, but I loved my brother and hated him at the same time. That ended the day he escalated to weapons. When I came out of my room before our parents were home, he chased me around the house with knives. Big sharp ones. That was the day I stopped being conflicted.

Where were our parents? They didn't believe me. Until some years later when he got bolder. My Grandmother lived with us for a time and he even got brazen enough to hit on her! Once I remember my Dad chasing him because he deserves a good smack. Don't think he caught him though. Mom still didn't really believe. Now a days she says she believes, but he is always gonna be her little baby boy.

When he learned to drive, he would go around terrorizing the neighborhood. One day, someone had just gotten a new appliance so the giant box was sitting on the curb for trash day. He plowed right into it deliberately. He did not know that the homeowner had put the old appliance in the box and it became a several hundred pound projectile and nearly killed the kid playing in his own yard. R thought that was hysterically funny. So my parents took his car away and hid it on him. Then out came the Hyde in him. Swearing, threatening, destroying, hitting, and on and on. One time he was so bad, that I had to call my Uncle (federal special agent) to come over. R was pretty big at the time, but he got put down and cuffed by his own uncle!

Now R could turn on the charm better than any psychopath ever. He got himself a young girlfriend who wanted out of her own bad situation. When exactly he began to show her the other side I do not know. But I know what followed. Verbal and physical abuse to his wife and then eventually to the children. Before they were married, my mother, sister and I all sat Melinda down and tried to tell her what he was like. In the end, she said that she understood, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Now ask her about that day and she has a very different opinion.

For the details on what happened in his house to his family, you should talk to Melinda. But I can hit some of the highlights over the years.

He felt a transit bus cut him off in traffic so he came screaming around and cut the bus off so that it had to stop and then he got out with a hammer or tire iron or something like that, and smashed in the door of the bus while screaming at the driver and ordering him to come out so he could beat him up. Luckily the cops were able to take him away first.

That was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to his seething rage.

R has always felt that he was entitled to anything he wanted and the world and everyone in it owes him something. After he got married, they stayed with my parents for quite a while because he had made my parents give him the down payment on a house. He then tore the house to pieces and practically gutted the entire thing. God only know how much my parents had to pay to get it back into a livable condition. (More on his intense love for destruction, especially of houses, later if you would like to know.) He would also break into my parents house any time he wanted and steal tools from my Dad and food and whatever else he decided was his. So much so that when my parents finally got up the nerve to say something about it, he did this great "You never loved me or wanted me to have anything" episode where he brought back to them so much stuff that he had stolen that it filled one side of a two car garage. And he did that so that they would then have to move everything before they could park there. That was a pretty big project for them at the time as they were getting on a bit. Please feel free to have a chat with my parents about any and all of this. But I digress...

For years Melinda had tried to get up the courage to take the kids and leave him to stop all of the insanity, but it took her a while. When she finally did, my parents and I were VERY supportive of her. We helped her all we could. Unfortunately she ended up going back that first time. In order to coax her into returning, R checked himself into a psychiatric facility for evaluation. After a few days, they called me to discuss his condition. They said that R had told them to talk to me because I don't take or give any bullshit. I found that strange, but while I was talking to them I asked if they knew that everything he said was calculated to some end of his own devices. They told me that he wasn't fooling them even a little bit because they were experts on people that only say what they think the doctors want to hear. I then asked if it would be alright for them to tell me with what they had diagnosed him. They said sure, I was immediate family and she started rattling off a list of disorders, syndromes and tendencies so long that I couldn't keep up when writing them down. After the first 5 or so I just listened with my mouth hanging open. You should try to get a look at those records.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention the religious fanaticism he apparently "found" while he was in the hospital. Suddenly he starts rambling on how God is now talking to him directly and telling him what to do and what will happen. He took to typing out dozens of pages of ranting with religion, profanity and rage all rolled up into one. I have a copy of some of them if you would like to see them.

When he left that facility, it was with a prescription for meds to help with his manic - depression and bi-polar diagnoses. He took the pills for a little while and then stopped because they interfered with his ability to have sex three times a day. Soon everything was back to as bad as ever.

After some time, she tried to leave with the kids again. Well, let's just say that the third time was the one that stuck. She had all three kids and they were very relieved to be away from him and everything he put them through on a daily basis.

Now came summer vacation and she took the kids back to his house during the days when she worked because there were other kids and a yard there. She came for them at night to take them home. That clearly indicated to us that a reasonable custody/visitation schedule could be reached. R took this opportunity to do as much damage and brain washing as he could. A is young and everyone who knows her will tell you that she is in her own little world, but it is OK because they know her there. J sees the unvarnished world through the skeptical eyes of a middle child. She has always been very aware of everything that goes on around her and is forever trying to keep the peace. But then there is M.

M has spent his whole life wanting just one thing. To make his father love him. He spent years trying to figure out some way into R's heart and all he ever got was shot down. Perhaps and example...M had some good news to tell his father. I don't remember if it was a good grade or something else, but everyone was there including my parents and I when R came home. M was called downstairs to tell his good news in front of us all. So, beaming, he told him. Then he goes to have a hug with his father and R smacks him on the behind and yells at him because he stinks. And he wanted to know why M had forgotten to put his deodorant on that day. And why doesn't he do what his father told him to do. The boy was crushed and mortified. After all, he had just started wearing deodorant and had probably forgotten in all of the excitement.  And as of that moment, he started to change. He took the who gives a crap attitude because he had to in self defense. Soon after that he started fighting at school.

When R started the deliberate brainwashing began on M all he had to do was pay him some attention and reward the desired behavior. Soon he had convinced M that his mother was the one responsible for destroying the family and that she was just evil and God wanted her destroyed. He told him he would be doing God's work if he stabbed his mother in her sleep one night. It was around then that R requested a letter from a judge stating that if M ended up having to kill his mother that he couldn't be held responsible. I can only imagine that his lawyer at the time discouraged it. Shortly thereafter, M started a fire in the apartment in which he and his sisters and mother were living. I believe the intention was to get them kicked out so they would have no choice but to go back home to Dad. Let's not forget the day that his backpack was searched and they found knives. I don't know if they were the same kind his father used to use on me, but I do know there was more than one.

Let me take this moment to insert Terry into the picture. I believe that Melinda's meeting Terry was the thing that gave her the courage to finally leave R for good. Just to be clear, Terry did not enter the picture until after Melinda's first two attempts to get away. Nevertheless, R jumped right onto the "this is the guy who broke up our family" mode with M. He trained M to hate him. You will here some fabricated story about how Terry is a child abuser or the likes. This all stems from the day that M pulled a knife on his mother while Terry was in the room. Terry proceeded to push him away from her and take the knife. The fact that R thinks that is child abuse may be why he does not recognize all of the abuse he perpetrated upon his own kids. It was decided that since M was trying to kill his mother, that he should go back to live with his father. I understand the necessity of the move, but fear it was that event that has undone M for good. A short time later, M sucker punched Terry in the lobby of the county courthouse. The guards were witnesses.

Melinda had tried from the beginning to get R to let her go, but he would not and will not have any of it. You see, R is entitled to anything he wants and God will ensure that he gets everything that he is supposed to. She has asked him for child support and to be left alone. He is not interested. God has told him that once she is done making her mistakes she will be back and all will be as it was. He has refused for more than a year to simply let her go.

I am sure you can get a list of the lawyers that have represented R throughout this process. They will all tell you that he is nuts and that is ultimately why they no longer represent him. He is totally self centered and extremely pompous. He goes around threatening Melinda, Terry, Mom, Dad, me and Melinda's lawyer with how he is gonna go to court and get a court order for this or against that. My favorite one was when he told my parents that they are not allowed to talk to Melinda anymore and he is gonna get an order of protection so she can't talk to them nor them to her. He is a huge blowhard that tries to use the system to threaten others into doing what he wants. He can not even create the thought in his head that his kids are more important than he is in this matter. There is nothing in this world that he can not and does not control. He is severely mentally ill and delusional. He has written of lengthy conversations he has had with angels and God. She just wants him to leave her alone.

I'll even give you a perfect example of how he plays the system. He works in the trades as a waterproofer/roofer. My father worked in the trades all his life and I am well aware of the income brought in by side jobs and under the table overtime. It is how many families make ends meet. For some reason, his boss trusts him and has helped him out over the years. I would imagine R is too smart to show him the other side. Many months ago he stopped working. Actually he stopped working on the books. He was taking the vast majority of his pay under the table so that it would go unreported. He stopped making the mortgage payments and lost the house. According to him, he "wasn't going to spend anymore money on something that she could get half of." So he lived rent free until the back kicked them out. What would you do with almost a year of mortgage payments in your pocket? Melinda didn't want the house and was happy to sign it over to him. But he doesn't take chances. At the time they took the house he had ripped apart the girls bedroom to fix a supposed leak from the laundry room below. At last viewing, it was still torn apart. He is now renting a house and making plans to start improvements (which means tear it apart.) My sister's basement is still without walls or insulation and he tore that out years ago. He makes big plans and does not know the meaning of the word moderation. He requires instant gratification in all things.

He doesn't like me around much because I am the only one alive who is not afraid of him. I have always been able to see the actual motives behind everything he does and I do not take his bullshit. I have called the police on him before and have no fear of doing it again. My parents are old and can't handle the amount of grief he puts someone through when he doesn't get what he wants. My mother was nice enough to allow the kids to have visitation at her house. Each and every time, R waltzes in like he is part of the kids time together. They let him. One day he got J in a bear hug and he's whispering into her ear. Now I know from history that he is telling her not to worry and he will have them all back very soon. I told him that he is not allowed to isolate and whisper to the girls. At which point he begins threatening me with court orders, etc. He was asked to leave and refused. So I told the girls we were leaving. He didn't like that one little bit. No one can control something of his! And another time I actually did call 911 to have him removed. He left moments before the 9 Crown Point police officers arrived. They searched the neighborhood to make sure he wasn't coming back and went by his house to see if he was there. Now he is known to police in South Holland, Dolton, Lansing, Griffith and Crown Point.

M, I regret to say, has not had an original thought or spoken his own words for many months. He is a full blown puppet of my brother and is being encouraged to commit violent crimes. I lost count of the number of times that he has been suspended from school. He will fight at the drop of a hat. He has learned all sorts of obscene language and uses it regularly. We all fear that it is too late to get him back. So much so that there have been discussions about who could possibly take M, just to get him away from R. Even my Aunt and Uncle (retired federal special agent) have thought about taking him. M is allergic to cats and I have two that are my babies, but if he needs to come live here to get away from his father then I will find other homes for them.

M is showing the same signs of mental illness that his father and his grandfather did. Unfortunately, he will not get the help he needs because R refuses to admit that there is something wrong with himself, much less his son.

I implore you to not only keep the girls away from him, but get M away from him too before it is too late. I think at this point, even M going into the foster system for some time would be better than staying with his crazy father who refuses to take the meds that make him lucid and rational.

Signed,
S.