July 22, 2009
More and more memories have been coming to mind lately. Things I had forgotten. I remember when I started to hate small places. Why I panic when something is covering my face. They both go hand and hand...69 and a 285 lb man is never a good thing.
I had the images the other day and I recall crying for him to get off of me, I couldn't breath, he just kept hollaring for me to shut up and keep sucking his *ick. (His words) I was panicking! I recall him biting me because I was crying. It was horrible anytime he asked me to do that and I dreaded it. I believe he got morbid pleaure out of smothering me. We stopped kissing one another a long time ago. I kept getting sick! I would tell him that I must be allergic to him. There's more hygiene related issues with his mouth but I won't go there.
I have had some bad dreams, I see R's face looming in the dark as if waiting to pounce. I remember him kicking me in the tailbone while I was painting in the back corner of the antique shop. I wasn't going fast enough! It really smarted but I had to suck back my tears while apologizing for not going quicker and I would try to work faster.
In many ways I hate that place! I love the people but hate it at the same time. I know how much blood, sweat and tears I put in that place literally. How many times I just sat in a dark corner of the back chocking my tears down or trying to cover up a bruise he left. I was worried his sister would say something to him about it, by telling anyone there would be hell to pay later.
I recall him coming home many times with a smile that would turn into a picture of hatred and anger in seconds. There was no reason, or the reasons sounded outlandish. A soggy sandwich, not enough ice in his water jug, the sun shined too much and gave him a headache...
How many times I literally had my back to the wall with his hands around my neck. Lord I don't miss that! He doesn't remember hitting me before we left him in February, he remembers nothing, not the kicking, threats, head banging or nasty words he would say.