A little about me

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Moving on...

Reaching out to others that have experienced any form of abuse has been a wonderful way to find out that I am not alone! Whatever the circumstance it has been a real eye opener to talk with others or encourage others that feel that there is no help or a way out. As time goes on it heals all wounds right? I am waiting for the day when I do not get any type of communication from my STBX about his love for me. Sounds sweet huh? There was a time I would swoon, there was a time when those 3 little words had meaning coming from his lips. Even the "I'm sorry it won't happen again" words lost there meaning once they are said repeatedly.

The last year I was with STBX was rocky, filled with many threats of physical acts of violence, many mental games, or telling the kids that if Mom leaves me it's your fault. Or if I were to leave him he would kill the kids during a visitation. (Something that still haunts me and causes me fear) We are still with supervised visits and I wish we could move them to a safer place. I found out that we are not safe there and even though it is held with family on his side there is mind games and the girls are not looked after as well as promised. Now they want to have things done to their home so everything is now swept under the rug. Like usual, R is not causing problems is he? Nope it has been twisted to be my fault and for what? What reason do I have to want to keep in touch with that family? None... I wonder what's the use right now. Blood is thicker then water...

For the most part time has been good to me. I have learned alot about myself to know that the marriage/relationship I was in was not a healthy or good one. The nightmares and panic attacks are still here but not as frequent. Oh boy do I still get the "Demand and Command" calls, texts or emails from my STBX (soon to be ex), but now they come from our son since STBX is not allowed to reach me. I am not looking forward to the day my Order of Protection expires. That worries me! I wish we could move from here and soon. But circumstances do not allow us to right now.

I did find a pamphlet at the police station a few weeks back about changing mailing addresses for victims of abuse, but Terry said that probably wouldn't count me in since I have kids with STBX. I'm at the point of being fed up once again with our legal system. I have tried in vain to get matters turned over to the police and hope the State's attorney listens.

In the mean time I decided to do a walk that takes place next month for Abuse. I'm pretty excited and anxious, I've taken to start walking again and that dreaded exercise word! I keep blogging in attempt to help others and to let them know they are not alone.

I won't be placed in a mental hospital for some made up reason, and do by all means welcome any test needed to prove my sanity, which is something my STBX made me doubt for years while I was with him. History does have a tendency to repeat itself. He will/does come off sweet, as a gentleman, great dad (now), genuine and God fearing. He will sweep someone off they're feet. I do wish he would change for his kids sake. I'm long gone and will not return. No more Honeymoon cycle for me! No thank you! The days, months and years of up's and down's is way too much for me. I feel sorry and worried for anyone else he will eventually find. Oh, the process is slow and it will happen gradually. Not overnight! So much so that you would not even notice it right away. That's how Gaslighters/Abusers work.

Anyway I'm done with crazy and feel sorry for the next gal but I do hope he does change. I hope one day he accepts that he has issues, that he will learn from his past mistakes. I have! I know I will never allow anyone to brow beat me again. I will not allow anyone to threaten my kids or me again. I will not allow anyone to beat me down to make himself look good. I will never warm anyone's plate, never shower a man or get him dressed in the morning, never keep myself awake because I was afraid to fall asleep or worry if I fell asleep what he would do to me. I will never worry myself so much that my hair falls out or my ulcer acts up or I lose sleep. I will never again be a victim...

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