Happy Anniversary!

Today is 3 years that I left my husband.

Even though it has been 3 years, a huge wave of emotions rampage through my mind and heart. Oh, I don't wish for what never can be. I lost all hope for that several years prior to leaving him.

As I have said in previous posts, it hasn't been easy. Not going to sugar coat it! He needs help and the obsessive, controlling, psychopath is not seeking any treatment any time soon.

He still pleads with me to come back.
He still claims he has changed.
He promises to love me and he hasn't lost his love for me.
He wants his toy back.

I'm not going back to crazy! Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and post card.

Court officials are still shaking their heads at the lack of belief that he has created about our relationship. I'm still his wife. Til death do we part.

It causes me to cringe when I hear him call me his husband and I his wife. Of course he will tell me to come back to my senses and "get my ass back home". HA! Changed man?! No changing that Gaslighter...

After all the things he has done to me, to us, was to change my Son's love towards me. All the physical, emotional and mental crap aside that was the worst thing he did. I missed his prom, I missed his 16th birthday, I missed his Christmases and I miss him.

Court is coming up on the 6th of March. I never look forward to a court date. But, this time I have a really good attorney and I am anxious due to a new GAL involvement. She really seems to have the best interest of the kids at heart.

All this aside when you, whoever you are reading this, decides you are going to leave your abuser. Please remember all relationships are different. All divorces and separations are different. Any abuse that you experienced during your relationship won't just cease once you left out the door or threw his rear out. He/she will still be abusive. They don't change overnight, despite any promises of the latter.

He will call you names.
He will say horrible things.
He will say it's your fault.
He will say he was trying and your just making trouble or wanting the relationship to end.
He will say your a terrible Wife/Partner/Mom.
He may say your an alcoholic/drug abuser/whore to anyone that will listen.
He will tell you mean the world to him.
He will say anything and everything he can that are both positive and negative.
He will beg you to come back.
He will promise to be a better person.
He will promise to get help.

He may tell your children negative things about you or if you are in a divorce process he may tell the kids things they shouldn't know about. Be prepared to de-program your children after a visit with him. My children verbally would gang up on me after a visit. They would pepper me with accusations and mean spirited things after a visit with him. By the time the next visit rolled around they would be fine only to go back to visit and start the roller coaster all over again.

You have to learn to be strong enough to say NO! No more!

You have to  learn that you are not at his beck and call!

Screw the bills, banking and passcodes! Let him figure it out!

Donate the flowers or candy to the local nursing home. Don't accept them!

Block his calls! Or don't answer them! Screen your calls. Give a 24 hour call back if it is really important (someone is dead or in hospital, use your BETTER JUDGEMENT!). He wants to keep a dialog with you, even if it is a shouting dialog, he has you back talking to him!

If you find him following you or coming around where ever you are living call the police! If he is calling you numerous time call the police!

Leave a paper trail! I have learned that this is so important!

Be aware of your surroundings at all times. If you go out for the day, even if it is just a short errand, please let someone know where you are going at all times! This may seem tedious, but have you read the papers or watched the news? Sadly, there are times when a break-up takes a turn for the worst.

If you need to talk to someone about your feelings please join a support group, start a blog, seek a counselor if need be. I choose not to see anyone now. I have a wonderful support system of family and friends I can whine, cry and groan too.

I do have PTSD, I do have panic attacks, I do have wet the bed nightmares about him, I do have fear that still causes me to shake and I do still fear him. I'm not proud of these things, but I refuse to be drugged up (the side effects of some drugs cause some to become suicidal. Been there before too!). I choose to make my own happiness. I don't have to be governed by rules or regulations. I don't have to live in fear anymore, though I still struggle with this. I choose to find things to occupy my mind or time that better my life.

I blog
I craft
I travel locally
I read my Bible, this is a wonderful source of comfort and strength for me
I talk, text, email friends and family
I garden
I antique
I learn

I do things to make me happy. I do these things for fulfillment. To bring me joy. I wish nothing but good things for my abuser. I wish he would get help and become a AWESOME father to his children. I wish he would move on and not abuse the next woman or her children. I wish he would love his children and not treat them as possessions. I wish my children will heal and not follow in the footsteps of their parents. That they would become successful, wonderful and encouraging mates, parents and friends. I pray for happiness for my own heart and healing. This comes with time... And though we are still running on the legal hamster wheel for now over almost 3 years, I see that there is a reason for the length.

Now hear me out! I know it seems like forever since I began this journey, but now my abuser is being asked to take psycho. exams. This will go on his record and court records about his mental stability! If something should happen to me/us there will be a paper trail. There will be evidence that he is unstable and something will to have been done about it. Whether it be medicating him, counseling (Remember the phone harassing punishment from last July? He was supposed to go to Anger management class, I don't think it worked!), regardless there will be some type of record of his mental state. I pray nothing happens and that once I write a book about this years down the road we can all laugh at the ridiculousness of all of this. I still shake my head about how silly some of these situations sound!

Be safe! I don't want to dissuade anyone's leaving their abuser. I want you to be armed with knowledge and never give up hope of happiness! I know there are a bunch of us Survivors that will tell you it may take time but it is worth it!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

(Love the above photo thank you for posting it on FB Leslie!)

Text messages and countdown to Independence day year 3!

I'm sitting here typing out passed text messages to email to my attorney for my ever growing file. Terry suggested I stop if I feel melancholy... Oh that feeling was after re-reading the first text message. I have went through about 20 so far and have 112 left to type. I feel a little disturbed, so I am taking a much needed break! The baby just went down for a nap, Terry and his brother went to his Mom's house. So, it's nice and quiet.

So, to bring you up to speed, R found out we moved from the court, not surprising. What is surprising is how long it took for him to be notified about the PO Box. I was so sure he would have found out before Christmas as a matter of fact our household and his Mom were waiting for that bomb to fall.

I received a voice message from him about that. He said,  Hey Melinda this is your husband. How is the house in Demotte? The court order says I get to talk to the girls. You disconnected the other number and I gave you time. The court order says I can talk to my girls and I want to hear from them tonight not from Terry from you or the girls.

Can you spell Creepy? He doesn't give a crap about the girls, he is upset that we moved and he doesn't know where we are. He can't stalk us/me out here and it's bugging him. Case and point, a day later Children's Treehouse calls and says R scheduled an appointment to see the girls on Sat (1/14) for an hour visit. I of course obliged, though hesitantly.I know he only wants to try to pump information about our whereabouts from them. He couldn't give a darned otherwise.

I did call my attorney and let him know about the call as well as the meeting. I know the court didn't order any type of arrangement for him to talk to the girls, besides it being a "SUPERVISED" visit. DUH! I don't know how stupid he thinks I really am! I'm so annoyed but yet worried at the same time. Not sure whether to throw-up or be angry. Of course these are just my personal opinions. He is going to lie and say he genuinely wants to visit with them because he misses them. BULL HOCKEY!

During my chat with the attorney he informed me that R wants to decrease his child support due to him being seasonal and unable to afford what he is paying for now. Funny, the original order for support was cut so low due to our debt at the time, which since we filed for bankruptcy is GONE! He lost the house so no house bill. WHAT THE HECK!? He works for CASH, he went from making $52,000 on paper in 2010 to making $22,000 in 2011?! He has made over $70,000 in years passed due to getting cash under the table. But I didn't take any paperwork to prove my accusations. I have heard from people he works with that the company is working a bunch of hours despite R claims of the contrary. SIGH!

The night before and the day of the meeting was nerve wrecking for all of us. The trip to the Treehouse had us all pretty quiet and that is totally unusual for us 4. I guess we were all lost in our own thoughts and worries. I didn't want the girls to give away where exactly they went to school or details about our place. He would find us in a snap if he knew details about our place or he would narrow our home down in no time. Of course I didn't want to coach the girls at all. Despite it all I still tell them to respect they're Dad. I don't believe he is worth the salt in my tears but he is still their father and they should at least respect the title, though I don't feel he is worthy.

I liked the fact that the girls were given a choice about seeing him before the meeting. I hoped they would say no, so I looked the other way, as if they could hear my thoughts out loud or see NO written all over my face. They briefly talked about it and decided to just see how it went this time. They were also informed that they could end the visit anytime they wanted to. I said see you later and have fun. I prayed all went well. Reassured they had a guard to watch them and the visit was recorded.

The girls said they had a fine time. They played Uno for the hour and made small talk. The only question he asked is how was school. I am guessing since someone was recording and staying in the room with them he had little or no choice but to be a good lad. We made sure no one was following us and even now I am finding that I am paranoid again that he or someone he hired is following me again. For the time being he only knows of the PO Box. I am unsure if the court will order me to give our physical address.

His Mom was fretting about him finding out she knew of the move and about the PO Box before he did. We still talk on and off. Though I was told not to trust her and I can't say I do anymore. It makes me kind of sad since I practically grew up in her house.

She has said he recently had several Bipolar episodes leaving her tired, annoyed and nervous about anytime he calls or comes by. He has been working on remodeling the basement for his sister to stay with his parents since MAY! He can never just get a project done, he puts it off or makes excuses or walks off the job due to an attitude. I gave her my sympathy and chuckled that he was her problem now. She said, Gee, thanks Mel! And don't tell him we talked. He says things and I know I only tell you about them. So you must be telling him we talk.

OH YES! During coffee he and I chatted about BLAH! BLAH!BLAH! What the HECK?! I told her I don't talk to him if I can help it. And certainly not about anything to do with her or his family. I don't want anything more to do with that psycho then I have to.

I received several emails from him about his horoscope and mine, oh and that marriage retreat is coming up soon. GROAN! It is almost 3 years, Independence day is on the 25th of Feb! Time flies!
Can you believe that this craziness has been going on this long? I was reassured by my attorney that R won't give up. He has seen those that are aggressive and obsessed with they're partners and they don't just give up when the finalization papers are signed. Well, isn't that lovely? I know in the back of my mind this is true. But I am praying he will just fade into the darkness and leave me alone. Heck, he doesn't have to pay me a dime of child support if he would just go away. Never to see the girls again.

Wishful thinking...

Why did you make him mad?!

What did you do to make him lose control?
What did you do to make him mad?
What did you say?
You know that makes him mad why did you do that?

See the trend?

You never mad him mad! You are not to blame! You did nothing to poke the bear. You have to believe this! Make this your belief or mantra, say it over and over in your mind if you are going through a tough time.

Honestly, personally I didn't want to tick him off when things became nasty. I went above and beyond to try to get things to go as smoothly as possible. Pleasing my Gaslighter was number one on my list in order to make home life tolerable. Even if it meant putting my children on hold, in his mind HE came first. As long as the kids weren't bleeding they were fine. His needs became above and beyond my time with God. "That's what Sunday is for!" he would complain, of course when Sunday came around he made the excuse that God would understand I was to spend time with him. Oh and then it was my fault for making us late to church later in the day.

Oh, sure I enjoyed getting yelled at. Sure, I just enjoyed things getting thrown at me. Sure, I enjoyed being told I was just useless for anything. My favorites, sarcasm, were the "Why do you like making me lose control?" talks. I must like being hit or abused. I must enjoy the punishment. I must get off by getting hit. I must get a thrill from being kicked or punched. SURE!


Why do you make me mad? Can't we just have a nice (Fill in the blank) once?!


Yes, right, I couldn't get enough of the psycho in my face, choking me or slapping me. I enjoyed the Indian rubs until I cried because he rubbed my skin raw while he just laughed and told me I deserve this because I made him mad. 

HE CHOOSE to do these things to me!

HE CHOOSE before he made it in the door that he was going to make the night or day miserable.

HE CHOOSE his behavior not me! 

And HE had the choice to be responsible for his behavior! He had such a thrill from berating me and the kids. He had a sense of power and control from making us cower and hide from him. Of course he would turn it around and say I turned the kids against him. I must have said something to do that! Or the whole world/family/friends are against him! What must have told them something!

What did I blog about or say to them on the phone? I must have said some kind of code words to make them question his behavior or they acted suspcious when he was around, what did I do?Leaving this man was the best thing I ever did! I should have documented the abuse! I wish I did! I know now I did nothing to provoke him or to "Make him mad". I know now that there was very little I could have done to prevent any of the events besides getting out sooner or telling police, family or friends sooner.

You didn't poke the bear! We are victims and survivors deserving real love! Real love is not abuse of any sort. Real love is not rape, beat, being mentally or emotionally abused. Real love doesn't hurt... Abusers do not know what love is! They know they crave it. They know they say the words but they don't mean it. They don't want to be alone and will say or do anything to keep you where you are! 

Time and time again shows abusers do not change! Change only happens when you take a leap of faith, believe and DON'T LOOK BACK!

Violence is an EXCLUSIVE GROUP and CLUB!

 Join the most secretive group around!

No fee's!

Membership is exclusive!

What's the catch you ask?!

Why it will cost you:

Your dignity

Your self esteem

Your self worth

Friends

Family

A pattern of violence (physical, mental, emotional) for your children

PTSD
And the possibility of losing your life

Sound like something you want to join?

Many men, women and children didn't ask to become a member. They suffer in silence, enduring harsh situations and wishing for an end.

Sadly many have become long term members of violence only to then hang their pictures in the wall of lost hope and untimely death.

Christian Choate-
 http://www.ky3.com/news/ktla-christian-choate-boy-in-cage,0,1122385.story

Josh Hilberling-
http://www.whas11.com/news/national/Man-dies-in-alleged-spousal-abuse-case-123830944.html






http://askville.amazon.com/Charlotte-woman-dies-domestic-violence-case/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=66656848

http://www.wmctv.com/story/15137364/domestic-violence-suspect-shoots-at-police

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/04/mom-drives-minivan-into-hudson-river-drowning-herself-and-3-kids-/1

http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-mom-kills-baby-in-microwave,0,3035847.story

These are just a few stories in the mix of thousands that have occured over the years. Many popular stories are those of the now infamous Casey Anthony, Andrea Yates, Scott Peterson and Drew Peterson.

The stories are horrifying, true and so unimaginable. I'm disgusted and appalled by the lack of reason and lack of justice for the victims of these senseless crimes. Yet many are continually subjected to suffer in silence daily. The stories above are extreme and horrible. But sadly to say these are the times we live in. Where is the humanity? Where is the justice for these victims?

This is an exclusive club which at times is glamorized by Hollywood cashing in on tragic circumstances when it happens to one of them. Oh sure it's nice that it's brought to our attention but when those 5 mins of noterity fade we are once again left with countless victims afraid to speak out before it's too late.

No you don't have to be beaten, raped or killed in order to suffer from Domestic violence. Words hurt as much as a fist. You can easily cut someone to pieces with a few mere words and say them over and over to the victim they believe them.Victims of verbal abuse can be led to think they are crazy, stupid, dumb, useless, etc... Assaulting with words can drive a person mad enough to take they're lives or the lives of others.

Still want to join the club? Or just to be a supporter by watching or standing by while someone suffers in silence? Please get help for someone that is a victim of violence! You maybe the only hope they have left. In many cases you can file a report without having to leave your name.

And if you are a victim, get out and leave as soon as you can before it's too late...
National Domestic Violence Hotline- http://www.thehotline.org/   800-799-SAFE

There is hope.

No excuses! There are shelters and organizations to help you if you are a victim! Don't be a statistic and don't wait until it's too late.

God bless and stay safe!

Early warning signs of an abusive personality

From: http://www.facebook.com/groups/MelanieToniaEvans

Early Warning Signs of an abusive personality

(Although emotional abuse is most difficult to detect, physical and sexual abuse is often well disguised and also difficult to detect. Abuse is secretive, furtive, stealthy, hidden, explainable, covert, subtle, crafty, well orchestrated, strategic)

You don't need to be black and blue to be abused. Emotional abuse is stealthy. Often times the abuser will never directly abuse you, they will abuse your children, animals or friends. When they do turn their bullying on you they will pick on something small, something petty. This will all be hidden and explained away, there is always an explanation for their endless pettiness. And you will always be "overreacting" or "sensitive". Discounting your feelings and minimizing their behavior keeps you off balance.

When you are finally able to leave your bully, please be prepared. They will not let you go without a fight for your sanity or even your life. During the relationship, the abuser will try to hook you by making you dependent on him.

Verbal abuse doesn't have to be "bad". Many abusers extol their mates often disguising anger as concern and praise as love.
Remember you only ever need to know one fact, if you are SCARED you are being ABUSED.

**Many of the early warning signs listed on most websites are actually late stage warning signs.
If you have an inexplicable feeling of danger, run fast, fear does not need evidence. The list below goes over some of the early warning signs of abuse. However, most of the early warning signs are very difficult to detect. Abusers and bullies have developed their tactics over years and have honed their craft.**

(Abusers do not have to exhibit all of these signs but if they exhibit more than one of these, they are abusers. Although domestic abuse often escalates, it does not have to follow what many consider to be a typical progression. They can go from “minor verbal assault” to full out physical abuse within a short period of time or even pause for years without resorting to physical abuse. Sometimes physical abuse or any other abuse doesn’t start until you’ve been trapped by marriage or children. Often times violence begins when they feel they are losing control.)

Here are some of the early warning signs of a stealth bully:

1.They usually make the rules in the relationship, where you go, who spends money.
2.They push boundaries little by little. You have less privacy or free will as time goes on.
3.They’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of entitlement means that you’re too sensitive. If they tell you that you overreact or you blow things out of proportion, you are being abused.
4.They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, blame and guilt. Even minor name calling such as goofy or stubborn are big red flags.
5.You’re afraid you’ll trigger a mood. Mood swings that go from angry, rageful, affectionate, to apologetic.
6.You’re told you would be alone without them or that they are the only person in the world that cares as much as they do. This is the beginning stage of isolation.
7.Social isolation. They will slowly cut you off from friends and family. They will always have something bad to say about your friends and they will not allow you to do nice things for them.
8. Pettiness. This is a form of disguised brow beating. Subtly criticize minor things like leaving a light on.
9. Superiority. He indicates that he is smarter, in general better than other people. He may even believe his possessions such as his woman, pets and material belongings are better than everyone.
10. Jealousy. He may stand and stare at any man that looks or talks to you.
11. He suggests: setting up a bank account in his name, getting married and having children within six months of dating. Everything is in his name.
12.Treating you like a sexual object, constantly touching you during inappropriate times even while sleeping.
13.Degrading views on women. They make negative comments about women, their mother and previous girlfriends. Always blames past girlfriends. They tend to be dumped by girlfriends first.
14. Possessive. They may make a surprise visit to your home or work. Check up on you even if you live together. Call, email, text frequently.
15. Infrequent anger or rage. They are often calm after an episode.
16. Asks a lot of questions. Relentless questioning. Interrogative.
17. You are always on their dime and their schedule. They are always acting in "your best interest". They claim any harm they do is to "protect you".
18. They may never hit you directly, they may throw objects at you, hit walls, grab things away from you, stomp, intimidating body language, break things, keep you from leaving, grab you, etc.
19. Gas lighting. Behaves or acts like they did nothing. Claims to not have said or did something, even immediately after saying or doing something. May hide or move objects then blame you.
20. They often fail to follow through on promises. They always have a "surprise" in store for you such as a gift or vacation.
21. They are demanding, you have to accommodate their every whim. They take up all of your time and energy. You feel tired all the time.
22. They remind you of their sacrifices.
23. He will often need "help" when doing an undesirable task. Generally, you are left to do these tasks by yourself.
24. Their actions and words don't add up. They will push you off a cliff and then run to catch you.
25. Crazy-making. They manipulate you, keep you on edge to the point where you feel like you are going crazy. You start exhibiting depression, unusual behavior, etc. This is all the proof your monster needs to blame you for his abuse.
26. Some abusers are unable to laugh at themselves or see humor in frustrating circumstances. Rigid, inflexible.
27. Guilt trip. They will refuse to go anywhere without you, even if it is an extreme burden to you.
28. Animal cruelty, call animals names, neglects them, scares them.
29. They will tell you that you are using them or you’re taking advantage of them.
30. You feel like you can't trust them, you are scared for no reason.
31. Your children or animals begin to behave differently.
32. Grandiosity. They buy things they can't afford. They always have the latest gadget. They may claim to know people in high places.
33. They may get into physical fights or relish violence.
34. They get frustrated very easily and have trouble coping with normal daily stresses.
35. Often times they enjoy chaotic circumstances. They may even seem to enjoy it when people cry. Seems to lack empathy.
36. They will talk about themselves often. If you have a story, they have a better one.
37. They rarely seem to take responsibility for their actions or mistakes, it is always someone else fault.
38. They might hint that they have been in fights before or their ex girlfriend enjoyed rough sex.
39. You may notice a strange family dynamic; there is almost always a family history of mental problems.
40. You may notice that he always wants to talk while you are trying to sleep or wakes you up at night for to say I love you or any “innocent” reason. This is a form of denial of basic physical needs.
41. He comes on to you after you say no to sex or is "playful" during sex. He may not wait for you to be fully ready resulting in painful intercourse. Does not engage in foreplay. Is often too “passionate”.
42. Bottles up emotions. Unable to identify emotions. Claims he is concerned when he is angry.
43. You feel irritated or bugged by his presence for no reason. Even when he is apparently being “kind”.
44. You feel off balance, like the wind has been knocked out of you, the rug pulled from under your feet.
45. Your dreams and expectations go unfulfilled.
46. You want to run as fast as you can but you feel paralyzed.
47. You are bewildered all the time but you don’t know what the problem is.
48. Feeling like something is wrong, the little things that are odd, but they are easily forgotten and not a big deal.
49. You feel like you’re being pushed around, they’re bossy.
50. You’re always caught off guard; they surprise you or shock you.
51. He sends you mixed messages. His words and emotions don’t seem to correspond with each other. When you question that, he tells you that you have no faith in him or he makes you take some or all of the responsibility.
52. They pretend to be hurt when you express your feelings. Even telling you that hey are hurt that you would be upset at them for something they did that was not intentional.
53. They play with or collect weapons.
55.They are "very generous" beware their generosity is very expensive.
56. Intimidating body language.
57. They are easily hurt. You feel guilty if you express disappointment. So you begin to comply with them to avoid tension.
58.They are very generous, beware they’re generosity is expensive. This is called loan sharking.
59. They disclose intimate details of their life or their past, quickly in the relationship in order to create closer bonds or “test the waters’. Shares inappropriate information.
60. He pressure’s you to go to couples counseling. Because “we share the responsibility”.
61. He calls you a victim.
62. Makes statements like, you’re too good for me, you can do better. This is an attempt to garner sympathy.
63. The way they treat service personnel or those in lower social standing.
64. Sulks often especially when they do not get their way. A form of passive aggressive behavior.
65. Very serious, aggressive, arrogant or threatening body language, poise, afect, facial expressions, eyes, mannerisms, conduct.
66. May not appreciate your opinions, emotions or thoughts.
67. His control may at first appear to be impassioned and loving but transforms into needy and clingy. May not go places without you, claims to love being with you all the time.
68. May suggest you are interested in other men, accuses you of cheating.
69. Abuse by proxy, tells your friends and family that you are unstable. Challenges you in court, uses the law.
70. You notice small changes in yourself. You lose interest in things that mattered, you may get sick, weight changes, health problems, mental health problems, etc.
71. Never accepts responsibility for anything, ever. The world always owes them.