Hey there Love Bug!
Are you curious why you should leave a paper trail?
Here is some background on one quote I found recently. I have been picking brains of those that are on the public speaking circuit and professional speaker, (God bless her patience!) Emily was wonderful to share tips and The Speaker Lab podcast! This helped her get started with her business. Since I am so green and have knocking knee about being in front of a crowd I thought this was the best information and podcast I have found!
Now here is the reason I bring this up. Grant the Public Speaker Ninja, was talking about contracts and he once heard that "A paper trail is a "safe trail". I liked that!
Which brings me to the subject post! So what is kind of paper am I talking about and why is it so dang important?
When I first left my abuser I hadn't thought much of taking paperwork. It wasn't until that first experience did I realize the importance.
What types of paper I am referring to is:
Previous years income tax filings
Pay stubs (If your partner is receiving funds under the table and there is some sort of documentation that is SUPER important.)
Medical cards/files/prescriptions
Marriage/Birth Certificates
Mortgage/Rent contract
Business contracts/info (If you own this on your own or with your abuser.)
Auto Registration
Auto insurance information
401k or other investment information
Credit card bills/other misc. bills
Student Loans
Children's school information
Photos- Of the abuse or just cherished photos
If you have all of this and any other relevant papers make copies. Concerned this will be noticed?
Consider copying one at a time. Mail the copies to a trusted friend or relative. You may want to get a PO Box. A small box is pretty reasonable. I have found one as cheap as $40 for a year. These do vary! So check around your local area.
Most of everything on this list will be asked for by the court or your attorney.
Now for the unpleasant stuff.
I am going to be upfront and honest with you. The first 24 to 48 hours after leaving an abuser can be the most volatile. Make sure you keep your phone off or block your abuser's number. It can be tempting to answer his/her calls or text messages. I beg you to please not do so!
If by chance you forget to do those steps then please keep track of the messages (text and voicemails). Perhaps, this person figures out where you are staying and comes by. Call the police! That is first and foremost! For your safety and if you have children.
File a police report. This may start to feel tedious and as though your abuser is just getting away with everything. It can be quite frustrating! Trust me, even if that order has been violated a bunch of times it's not in vain! If your state or city is pretty lax these incidents can build up a case against them.
If you are worried they are running around talking about you. Saying your a terrible person/caretaker, or you are a drug user or that you have a stash. Let that person talk! That's all they can do right now and they are super frustrated. The police and legal authorities can see right through these instances. Trust me!
Keep a journal of all of the contact with dates, times, and where these things occur.
These can be used in the future as well. The trick in all of this is to remain calm. This can be hard when you are experiencing someone that is stalking you, showing up at your place, or threatening you or your children. Take reasonable safety measures to keep yourself safe. Here are some tips from a previous blog post- Keep yourself safe after you leave.
You may end up with a HUGE file box with paperwork. That's fine! I had 2 legal paper boxes and 2 red rope files with information about everything going on. It seems ridiculous but this did a few things for me.
It gave me something else to do besides cry and feeling hopeless. It empowered me to say, NEVER AGAIN!
I encourage you to journal as well during this time. This can help you with noting the events right after they happen so they are fresh and can be shared with your attorney, GAL, Doctor, or advocate involved.
I hope this helps you on your journey. I also hope this doesn't dissuade you from leaving. Leaving is the best thing I ever did for myself and the hardest thing I have ever done. I've mentioned it in the past. I hate to sound like a broken record.
Do you need help right now? Please contact the police! They are happy to help before a situation takes a dire turn. If you don't feel that you are in immediate danger, please call the non-emergency number of the police station (Many times they can give you resources that can help) or contact your local shelter. There is also- The Hotline or NCADV.
Whichever you choose please know you are not alone. Many women and men are there to help you through your situation. If you aren't ready for that and need to talk confide in a close relative or friend and of course, please don't hesitate to send me a private message here, or blessmeplz@gmail.com or on my FB page- Hope when there was none.
I am sharing awareness by setting up book signings, events, and speaking engagements. Here is where you can catch me next! Find my books here-Amazon
Would you do me a favor and recommend me to your church, school, or group? My mission is to inform, educate and empower by sharing my story.
I hope you are safe and know that you are loved by me but by many others around you.
BIG HUGS,
Mel
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." - Henry David Thoreau
Yep! That's me!
In this picture, life was taking a turn. I was topsy-turvy as my parents were going through a divorce. I felt as though my world was crazy. Unsure what I wanted to do. Somewhere along that time there was a plan to run away to California with my friends Betty, Evie, and Michelle but I chickened out! (Later, I found out they did as well. 😁)At that moment each of our lives were on a roller coaster.
I thought when I was 18 I could live my dreams. To go backpacking in Europe, to become a Librarian, Actress/Singer, Teacher, Writer, and a Parapsychologist.
Above all, I didn't want to be hurt again. You see my then Step-father, whom for the sake of legal issues I will call Frank had a way of being abusive to my Mom and later towards me.
I promised never to be in that situation ever!
Funny, looking back on that now. How my life unfolded to spiral into a cycle back to that low place where I was when I was a child. My dreams lay scattered like fallen leaves on the ground.
Early into the relationship with my now ex-husband, Will I had to let those dreams go. He amongst many other things he thought they were stupid. They wouldn't make money to pay bills. I needed to be realistic and to grow up.
I went to bed in January 2008 with Will. And at that moment a zillion thoughts were going through my head.
Prior to this, we had just gotten into a fight about something that had little meaning or relevance. It was just a way to assert his control over me.
I had gotten to the point where I was becoming bolder to stand up for myself. For what felt like the hundredth time I had told him hours before that I didn't love him anymore and to let me go.
Now in bed my thoughts race to:
Is he going to start something with me or threaten me or worse?
Will this be the night that my kids don't have a Mom anymore? What will happen to them?
And...
How did it come to this? How did I allow this to happen? Why didn't I stop him the first time he raised his voice or his hand?
He continued to pepper me with questions. I rolled over and clutched my pillow with one hand and felt for my knife that I had hidden between the mattresses just in case. I was waiting for a punch or blow. Instead, Will jumped out of bed and began hitting his head against the wall about ten times. Finally, he punched the screen out of the window and grabbed the blankets off the bed after I hadn't responded to his actions or when he was calling my name.
Inwardly, I knew I couldn't do pretend anymore. This wasn't a life. To live as if we were walking on eggshells?!
I look back on that moment and I can see it, feel it and breath it as though it were just yesterday. I've had so many other memories come to the surface recently. I'm guessing due to discussing my story. I share many of these moments in time with Mr. Awesome. He is my sounding board and best friend.
Things have been especially worrisome as I have been reminded of how much hurt this caused my grown children after one of my girls advised she was feeling suicidal a few weeks back.
None of this was ever about me. Leaving that past relationship was more for my children than myself. I wanted them to know that there is normalcy out in the world.
It's after 1:00 A.M. now. In four days we will celebrate one of two wedding anniversaries for Mr. Awesome and me. Two? It's a long story, email me privately if you would like to know. 😊
What relevance is any of this?
Why dreams my Friend! You see there was a time I couldn't say my dreams out loud so I went inward. After sharing the first time I didn't want to make that mistake again. Now, I have a life that is far more wonderful than I could EVER have imagined.
Don't get me wrong there are still things that go askew. You know, normal stuff, like noticing someone took the last sheet of toilet paper but left the empty tube on the holder AFTER you are done with your business. Or the roof is leaking, car issues, or running late for church.
You get the picture! NORMAL stuff! The following aren't brags. They are just so dang unbelievable to me that I need to share so you too can believe there are happy endings.
Here I am remarried.
Had my last child at 40!
Live in my dream house.
I have no bedtime.
I can read whenever I want.
I can come and go as I please.
I can eat at 2:00 A.M. if I want to. (FYI, I did have a donut a few minutes ago.)
I have become a Healer.
A published Author.
Beginning Transformational Speaker.
I am a Vision Board Coach.
Homesteader.
Daydreamer.
And most importantly... I am alive! That revelation has the greatest impact. I rolled over in bed and poked at Mr. Awesome before coming down to munch on my donut and told him how unreal this life is. How blessed I feel.
I rambled on that my pressing issues are to worry about keeping the chickens and ducks penned in so the predators don't keep picking them off. But, this my Friend is now my "normal stuff"!
There is no more worrying about the next few minutes, hour, or days for fear of getting hurt physically or otherwise. I can dream about life and feel confident about my tomorrow. No matter if it's the unglamorous job of mucking out the coop, pulling weeds, talking about plans for an Airbnb, or how I'm coming on my next book. This life feels as though it is just starting for me!
So, wherever you are on your path, please don't give up hope. Call a shelter, local law enforcement or reach out to a national group in your area for help. If you don't know who to contact please drop me a line. I am happy to locate a group or organization for you. There is a life out there waiting. Now, if you and your partner can do counseling that is excellent! If the relationship is worth saving by all means go for it!
Don't wait to leave as long as I did- over 20 years! Especially if you have children. I'm not saying it isn't going to be hard. The moment you take that leap of faith you are faced with a danger from your partner. There may be threats, stalking/cyberstalking, dozens of phone/text messages, and more. Please don't let this scare you. I want to be honest. I don't want to paint a pretty picture of rainbows and flowers. Reality is that leaving was the hardest and the best thing I ever did.
Remember those dreams I mentioned? Well, I may not do "those" but I have many others and I can now as Thoreau said, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler."
Feel free to contact me to talk or if you would like a virtual hug. 😍 I'm praying for you.
Much love to you! Stay safe!
BIG HUGS,
Mel
P.S.- If you are in the NW Indiana, Michigan or Illinois area I will have a few book signing appearances in September and October. I hope you can make it! Gypsy Soul Retreats has a few spots left, find ticket info here- Gypsy Soul Retreats and check out the Gypsy Soul Retreats Facebook page
I am sharing awareness by setting up book signings, events, and speaking engagements. Here is where you can catch me next! Find my books here-Amazon
