5/2010
Control is a big factor in an abusive relationship. I believe I have touched on this subject before in previous blogs. Many abusers begin their abuse slowly. It comes so subtly that you may not even notice, or perhaps you do and just choke it down like a bad taste in your mouth.
Many abuser have so little control throughout their day that when they come home they unleash and let go. Not only letting go of frustrations through verbal attacks some may go as far as physical attacks. It becomes so much in routine you pray it doesn't come about again and pray your partner has a great day.
I talked to God repeatedly in hopes and desires of my partner to change but that didn't happen. Or if it did he would change on a dime or with the wind. My partner was in charge at work so he brought that home with him.
I have slowly realized the amount of control he had over us! From how much fat was left on a roast to where I was during the day. I have a hard time now with how much I let myself be under his thumb. Of course now that we are separated his behavior has not changed. Despite his boasting of finding his faith, he is the same person. He will not change but I do still hope he will for his children. The repair and healing that needs to be done between them is like a vast fissure in the earth. It's not going to be easy, nor is it an overnight process. It happened over time and as will the healing between all of us. Even though I have forgiven him. This weekend was hard bad memories leaving me feel drained, upset and sad. When these come out I tend to become very melancholy and distracted, of course my hormones right now are high so the tear factor is at the drop of a hat.
He is allowed unsupervised calls daily if he wishes to his daughter's, apparently whether or not they want to talk to him or according to him whether or not we are around to get his calls. So in other words he is still trying to assert any type of control he can and due to the loss of our file during our Wellness check this situation happened allowing him access unsupervised.
On Friday's call STBX asked if my middle daughter would like to stay for the summer. If the girls were to go back I have no doubt at all that I would not be allowed to see them again! They would end up lost to me, STBX promised me on many occassions he would not stop trying to make me miserable until I "Come to my senses and come back to him". At whatever the cost, no matter "who" gets hurt.
I am very dismayed at our court systems right now. I can not help but feel shafted. I have an Order of Protection against my spouse and he (and sadly my son) has threatened to kill Terry and I. My spouse went as far as to hire someone to "Take care of me" but yet he is still allowed to walk around free. "Bulletproof". I won't be silent anymore. I will not allow him to control us. I will not "Jump" just because he says I "Have to". Nope not anymore.
No more control, I am trying to make a better life for us. "We are trying to make a better life for us." I had hoped for us to call a truce but my STBX refused. He continues to twist the truth, he continue to exhibit insane behavior and actions. He still is in control of his family to a certain degree and that saddens me. Not all of them but some... I hope they will see him for what he is and someone will get him help. If not for him but to save our son so he will not fall into the same type of behavior in his future. I pray that it is not too late! My lack of control with that situation has me frustrated.
I found this Power wheel on the web much like I have posted before but it does not hurt to post again!
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Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships?
The abuser exerts Power and Control over the victim combined with the
Cycle of Violence to keep women in abusive relationships.
Barriers that Prevent Her from Leaving
The victim of domestic violence also faces many of the following barriers that prevent her from leaving her abuser.
Fear
Fear of physical harm
Fear of threats
Fear of harassment
Fear of making abuser angrier
Fear of living alone or being alone
Fear of losing children
Fear of losing house, car
Fear others will blame you
Fear of the unknown
Fear of financial problems without him
Fear a change in standard of living
Fear of deportation
Fear no one believes you
Fear of the court system
Love
Still loves the abuser
Commitment to the relationship
Sex, affection, and kindness during non violence times
Companionship
History together
Hope it's going to improve
Hope he'll change
Emotional
Low self-esteem
Being emotionally exhausted
Loneliness
Guilt
Self-blame for the abuse
Feeling like a failure
Feeling defective
Feeling unwanted by others
Change
Not wanting a divorce
Not wanting to be a single parent
Not wanting to look for someone else
Not wanting to leave pets
Not wanting to grieve
Not wanting to start over
Not wanting to change life style
Not wanting to lose his family
Not wanting to be excluded from social functions
Abuser
Uses mind games
Uses crying
Uses threats of suicide
Uses his power and his family's power
Uses his Mr. Nice Guy image
Uses promises
Uses apologies
Children
Pressure from children who want their dad
Believes it is best for children
Custody issues
Need childcare
Support
Needs
More
Not identifying abuse
Normalize abusive behaviors
Abusive cycle is familiar
Others accept violence as okay
Pressure from others
Preserve abusers reputation
Religious beliefs
Social status
Security
Having hopes and dreams
Same sex partners
Knowing its okay to leave
