A little about me

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Control

5/2010

Control is a big factor in an abusive relationship. I believe I have touched on this subject before in previous blogs. Many abusers begin their abuse slowly. It comes so subtly that you may not even notice, or perhaps you do and just choke it down like a bad taste in your mouth.

Many abuser have so little control throughout their day that when they come home they unleash and let go. Not only letting go of frustrations through verbal attacks some may go as far as physical attacks. It becomes so much in routine you pray it doesn't come about again and pray your partner has a great day.

I talked to God repeatedly in hopes and desires of my partner to change but that didn't happen. Or if it did he would change on a dime or with the wind. My partner was in charge at work so he brought that home with him.

I have slowly realized the amount of control he had over us! From how much fat was left on a roast to where I was during the day. I have a hard time now with how much I let myself be under his thumb. Of course now that we are separated his behavior has not changed. Despite his boasting of finding his faith, he is the same person. He will not change but I do still hope he will for his children. The repair and healing that needs to be done between them is like a vast fissure in the earth. It's not going to be easy, nor is it an overnight process. It happened over time and as will the healing between all of us. Even though I have forgiven him. This weekend was hard bad memories leaving me feel drained, upset and sad. When these come out I tend to become very melancholy and distracted, of course my hormones right now are high so the tear factor is at the drop of a hat.

He is allowed unsupervised calls daily if he wishes to his daughter's, apparently whether or not they want to talk to him or according to him whether or not we are around to get his calls. So in other words he is still trying to assert any type of control he can and due to the loss of our file during our Wellness check this situation happened allowing him access unsupervised.

On Friday's call STBX asked if my middle daughter would like to stay for the summer. If the girls were to go back I have no doubt at all that I would not be allowed to see them again! They would end up lost to me, STBX promised me on many occassions he would not stop trying to make me miserable until I "Come to my senses and come back to him". At whatever the cost, no matter "who" gets hurt.

I am very dismayed at our court systems right now. I can not help but feel shafted. I have an Order of Protection against my spouse and he (and sadly my son) has threatened to kill Terry and I. My spouse went as far as to hire someone to "Take care of me" but yet he is still allowed to walk around free. "Bulletproof". I won't be silent anymore. I will not allow him to control us. I will not "Jump" just because he says I "Have to". Nope not anymore.

No more control, I am trying to make a better life for us. "We are trying to make a better life for us." I had hoped for us to call a truce but my STBX refused. He continues to twist the truth, he continue to exhibit insane behavior and actions. He still is in control of his family to a certain degree and that saddens me. Not all of them but some... I hope they will see him for what he is and someone will get him help. If not for him but to save our son so he will not fall into the same type of behavior in his future. I pray that it is not too late! My lack of control with that situation has me frustrated.

I found this Power wheel on the web much like I have posted before but it does not hurt to post again!
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Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships?

The abuser exerts Power and Control over the victim combined with the Cycle of Violence to keep women in abusive relationships.

Barriers that Prevent Her from Leaving

The victim of domestic violence also faces many of the following barriers that prevent her from leaving her abuser.

Fear

    Fear of physical harm
    Fear of threats
    Fear of harassment
    Fear of making abuser angrier
    Fear of living alone or being alone
    Fear of losing children
    Fear of losing house, car
    Fear others will blame you
    Fear of the unknown
    Fear of financial problems without him
    Fear a change in standard of living
    Fear of deportation
    Fear no one believes you
    Fear of the court system

Love

    Still loves the abuser
    Commitment to the relationship
    Sex, affection, and kindness during non violence times
    Companionship
    History together
    Hope it's going to improve
    Hope he'll change

Emotional

    Low self-esteem
    Being emotionally exhausted
    Loneliness
    Guilt
    Self-blame for the abuse
    Feeling like a failure
    Feeling defective
    Feeling unwanted by others

Change

    Not wanting a divorce
    Not wanting to be a single parent
    Not wanting to look for someone else
    Not wanting to leave pets
    Not wanting to grieve
    Not wanting to start over
    Not wanting to change life style
    Not wanting to lose his family
    Not wanting to be excluded from social functions

Abuser

    Uses mind games
    Uses crying
    Uses threats of suicide
    Uses his power and his family's power
    Uses his Mr. Nice Guy image
    Uses promises
    Uses apologies

Children

    Pressure from children who want their dad
    Believes it is best for children
    Custody issues
    Need childcare

Support

    Nowhere to go
    Unaware help is available
    No support system
    Isolated from support

Needs

    Need insurance
    Need financial support
    Have health/disability issues

More

    Not identifying abuse
    Normalize abusive behaviors
    Abusive cycle is familiar
    Others accept violence as okay
    Pressure from others
    Preserve abusers reputation
    Religious beliefs
    Social status
    Security
    Having hopes and dreams
    Same sex partners
    Knowing its okay to leave

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