It has been 2 years today that I gained my Independence from my abuser, (my spouse). Myself and my then 3 children (Then ages were M-13, J-10 and A-9).
The days before we left were filled with anticipation of starting again, hopes of being free and hope of never having to go through that ever again. The night before we left my stomach was all in knots! The kids and I had no idea if the plan to leave was actually going to happen because my STBX (Soon To Be Ex) did not know if he had work for sure, since he is construction and it was in Feb. the chances of him not having to go to work were very high!
I had told my Sister during the day prior that it looked promising but I would have to call her the minute he left in the morning. Somewhere around 4:30 or 5 in the morning. Weeks before my Sister and my Dad had moved somethings out of the house, favorite toys, books, dishes, pictures and so on. Things I did not believe he would notice. The funny thing was the weekend before STBX and I had a fight about things missing, he swore up and down I was missing clothes from the closet and my drawers. I did not move a stitch of clothing from the house until the day we left. So I just kept saying no, it was a honest answer!
This day 2 years ago was cool, about in the 40's outside, the sun was just rising when I made the call to my sister as soon as my husband left the driveway. He sensed something was up because he called more then usual and made comments that were very worrisome to me about coming back home! I kept the kids sleeping as long as I could, I had garbage bags ready to throw our clothes in, boxes that still needed to be filled with a few more items.
I began working all the time a cold sweat was all over me due to nerves! I woke the kids up about 6 and I gave them a job of putting their clothes in garbage bags. They did not give me too much trouble and they were all animated and pretty excited to go. While they were busy with that, I hurried myself with moving big furniture first, which was mainly my new bed, a futon that we had in our basement. It took me a few minutes to do so, as it would not go through the door as I pushed and pulled, scraping much of the wood as I did so. My heart felt as though it would burst out of my chest when my phone chirped or he would call.
He made a comment about me being out of breath, of course at that time I did exercise so I brushed it off as just working out.
Long story short, it took about 4 more hours to get everything back and forth. I cried on the way to my new home. Filled with anxiety of beginning again, relief that I was never going to look back and apprehension if what I was doing was right. I questioned myself until that night when my STBX showed up at the door with tears running down his face. My Sister called the police just in case and he said his good nights to the kids and left. I would like to say all ended peacefully but flash forward and many death threats later, we are still not divorced. I found a job as a legal secretary/receptionist, I managed to find an apartment a few months down the road back in Indiana. I had to drop off my now 15 year old son at his Dad's because of the brainwashing my STBX did on him. My son started a fire in my apartment and threatened to kill me in my sleep if I did not take him back to his Dad's. I found out later that my STBX hired someone to "Take care of me" for $5,000.00. He still wants to get back together...
My next court date is in June, my attorney was not the greatest and my quickie 90 day divorce is now in it's second year. I have a Order of Protection of which my STBX violated many times but the charge that stuck was a harassing phone call last July. He had to go to court but it has been continued 3 times since then and I am sure it will be dismissed in June when the next hearing is.
My STBX claims I made many things up, that I am unfit, that I had an affair for over 2 years, and that I am the one that abused him continually as well as abusing our children. A Guardian Ad Litem was introduced a year and a half ago, supervised visits are allowed for my STBX and the girls. I have not seen my son since he assaulted Terry in November of 2009 at the court house. Which apparently my son wanted to kill Terry. The altercation was orchestrated by my STBX, and seen by Lake County sheriff's that were on duty a the time. No charges were filed against my son by Terry. And despite the L. C. sheriff stating they would file charges nothing happened.
In November my son went to jail for the first time, (hopefully the last) for assaulting a student and teacher. My STBX claims that my son saw rage while thinking the teacher was me and he pushed her. R has many tricks to not take any blame in this situation or any issues with our marriage. I know now that is part of the Abuser's thinking.
I could go on and on! I am in a better place, I went back to school for Medical Assisting, (still looking for work) I gained a friend and wonderful loving companion. As well as a new bouncing baby boy that is the apple of our eyes! I found a love that I never knew existed! I did not plan for that! God has a way of planning a future I could never dreamed of! I thank and praise God for getting us out. Though my son is not with us, I do still pray for a day when we will be able to talk. I miss him terribly! I hope his father is treating him well. I am sad that I can not trust that we will be safe if we meet my son right now.
I am thrilled I am no longer a statistic! I am a Survivor, an Overcomer and loved by the Creator! As I think about the future right now, I know Terry and I have no jobs, but we have each other. We have a great love for one another and for God that He will provide and get us through!
A 2010 study by the National Network to End Domestic Violence, one woman is victimized by a intimate partner every 28.2 seconds. These statistics indicate that more than 3 million women are abused in the United States every year. Just as many children are affected by violence as well. Many of these women are lucky to leave their abusers safely, but if you read or hear the headlines there are women that are killed, murdered by the one they love. Love does not hurt!
Tactics used by the Abusers to stay include:
Stating negative comments, such as:
You won't make it without me!
If you leave I will kill you!
If you leave I will kill the kids!
If you leave you will never see the kids again!
If you leave you will never get a penny!
No one will ever want you!
You will never amount to anything!
Your too stupid, dumb, etc...
You will only be good on your back, knees and so on...
The Abusers promise to change, such as:
Honey, I am so sorry! I will never do it again!
I didn't mean it! Could you forgive me?
If you don't leave I will change!
I will get help I promise!
I need you!
I can't live without you!
You know what you mean to me!
We have been together for... long, Baby don't throw it away!
I don't want to be alone!
Help me get help!
I will stop drugs, drinking or whatever...
I will take my meds! Or get back on my meds!
The list goes on and on. The cycle then repeats, the chances of your partner changing are slim. It can happen but in most cases they don't. The decision to leave is yours, will it be with a suitcase or with the Coroner? No one can tell you when to leave, everyone has their own limits or rock bottom. But I can tell you that in most cases it will not get better, that your children are seeing the abuse. Studies show that YOUR children are likely to repeat the past...