A little about me

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Pieces of us- Repost 5/2010

Over time there comes a point when enough is enough. One person can only tolerate just so much. You break, you then decide what to do, whether it means leaving physically,mentally or emotionally. You break free. You tire of the pieces of your life that slowly get chipped away.

Slowly your spirit gets weaken and you feel the need to escape. Running away in daydreams, or at night in your sleep. There comes a time when one needs to leave the abuse, the torment and the bitterness. Waves of emotion rocked me so many times, I sucked down so many tears.

Small things have came out in my children, I hear fears, excuses and see habits that need to be broken. Much of my own problems or issues take a back seat to those of my children. Their needs are so greater then my own.  Hearing how they saw things that transpired during the years we were all together breaks my heart. They had a different view at how our family worked, and it's not very pretty. It causes me to feel embarssment as well as sadness that these are their childhood memories. Oh there are times when they share a funny story or they recall a fun time, but more often then not it is not always a pleasant memory.

I see now why they are like they are in the little things they do. The ticks and habits they have. The defense mechanisms like a deer in headlights during signs of a challenge or trouble. It's almost as though a shield goes up and I, myself have found that I do the same thing. Shutting up like a clam at times or just seeing myself go into my own little world. This I see in my girls. It doesn't make me proud. I feel ashamed that I had a large part in the things that have made them what they are. I take responsiblity in these things. I think I posted before on the coulda, woulda, shoulda's , as well as the choices I have made.

I can't do anything about any of that now, but now I see that as chance to turn things around and in short time we have been away from STBX I have seen the girls change by leaps in bounds, both in manners and daily challenges.It helps that I have a great person that is my Helpmeet to encourage all of us and to take us as we are. We were and still are in some ways a broken bunch. Despite all the baggage that came with me, he has stuck at my side. I can't imagine ever coming so far without his love and friendship. Any set back or emotionally meltdown that we have had, he has helped pick us up and wipe our tears.

I consider me very lucky! In many circumstances there are women/men that do not have this. They may end up either going back to their abuser, or back in a cycle of attracting someone that is just like the person they left or worse. I also had a great family support, my sisters' and Dad were very helpful and great at helping the whole separation to fruitation. I never would have had the guts to leave again if it had not been for them. The first 2 weeks was very devasting, and not because I was heart broken due to the separation. It was the fear that he would hurt the kids and I. As it was he was calling 30+ times a day, hanging up, begging that he would get help or he would change. Many of the things that I heard so many times during our marriage. This would last for a day, week,or a month only to have the other shoe fall and we would be back to square one again. Leaving the kids and I scared. The cycle went over and over... I grew tired of picking up the pieces of us.I was terrified that I would never see my children grow or that they would not live to see their next birthday.

Because I left does not mean we are free of STBX, he still plays mind games, he still tries to control us. I receive messages that are threatening or accusing in one form or another. I don't believe he will ever change, statistics show that many that are abusers never change, the percentage that does may relapse down the line. Very rarely does an abuser do a complete 180. In order to break this for future generations is to break the cycle and get help for the children of abusers or educating the victims/survivors so they will not go back or find another that will take advantage of them.This means building up the survivors self esteem that is more then likely in the toliet, feelings of inadequecies, feeling as though you are worthless or whatever mental attacks made by the abuser.This doesn't happen over nite, this may take months or years! The damage made happened over time or years, so must the recovery to find one's voice and self worth. It will happen!

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