Wednesday, February 16, 2011
A moment of madness
I have pondered over the past year and half why I'm still here. Now I'm taking action! I have to make copies of bills next week and send them off to a friend to hold onto until I'm ready to go for the gusto.
He's being sweet as pie, though there are a few moments of madness that peek out. Whether he yells at the kids or sternly reminds me of my place (women are to be lead by their husbands, according to the Bible, seen not heard).
He's one of those that can dish it out but can't take it. He's only 2 wayed me 3 times today. I called him 2 times because I would never hear the end of it tonite if I didn't. I don't say I love you anymore. The words have lost all meaning to me. I've told and prayed to release all the resentment I have towards him for the many years of hurt. The continuance of hurt...
I haven't left yet because without his insurance I'm screwed, I did get a refill of my meds for the HSV2. I got this gift from the 3 some we had with another woman, something he had a fantasy about which led to finding out she was involved with a few other persons on the side. Sheesh! It was a mess. I've come to terms with this, I'm more upset that I didn't stay gone, I took him back. I should have kicked his ass to the curb, but I felt guilty, I'm a sucker for a sob story! He's not going to take his life, he's too much of a drama queen. He continues to control my mind and emotions as much as he can. Telling me no other will love me like he does, I'm his alone, got it. I was made for him sent together by God. Maybe once... But not now. God doesn't want a messed up relationship like this. God doesn't want the up's and down's. God doesn't want us to be miserable! He wants what's best for me and my children. I pray God will fix R... I can't... Nor do I want to keep going like this.
I am just tired... Do I have a job after I leave? No. Do I have a place to run to? My sister has opened up her home to me and the kiddos! She has also offered to put the payment down to get the divorce started. I want to be free of no one timing me to see how long it takes till I'm home. I want to be able to go on the computer without someone wondering if I'm online talking to men or women (I'm not!) I haven't cheated. I don't meet anyone for quickies here at the shop (my hubby runs an antique mall and I mind the store while he's gone). I am really looking forward to doing things with my kids, board games, walks, spur of the moment types of things.
R has tried to change, he's gotten involved in church ( I think his thinking of the head of household is a little warped though). He isn't a drinker, thank heavens! But he's only taking one pill in his med. He is mentally upstable and now he thinks he can do it on his own. Couseling? HA! He'll find something wrong with the person. Everyone is against him. He's so paranoid! I don't love him, I find myself getting my stomach in a knot having to tell him I do love him (that's after he's insisting). I can't tell him I'm leaving or he will lock me in a room and not allow me to leave until I change my mind about leaving and loving him. He'll cry he will take his life! He's told the kids that we will never get the house he will burn it down before that happens. If they choose to live with me he will never talk to them again. My 13 year old is ok with that, but my 10 and 9 year old were devastated. Despite them knowing we need to leave they were crushed! He has told them because they fight and don't get along Mom will divorce me ( like it's their fault).
I need to leave soon! I am playing it cool a little longer I can't let him know! He's construction so work is slow and not all the time yet. I have to call the Atty and find out once we pay the $ how soon do I get financials and so on. I have to make sure to take my Avon checkbook so he doesn't leave me with nothing. I have heard that he has to pay me maintenance until the divorce is final! Oh that was music to my ears! I was so worried! I would like to wait a few more weeks at least until tax return time. Which we need to get done soon!
I've wrote a book! I'm keeping it cool and trying to be patient. I have to go and check on customers. Keep us in your prayers!