A little about me

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Tired of being tired Pt 2

Can I totally melt down yet?

After my previous post I received my Western blot testing...

I'm positive for Lyme Disease. I had the results last Saturday and I have to say I felt elated and even gave a pretty excited posting on FB. Not that I am happy with the thought of how devastating this diagnosis can be, but because I narrowed down the root cause of my health issues after many years.

I would like to say that it's still my ex's fault but it's not. More than likely it was a tick, spider, mite or mosquito with Lyme. I can recall 3 instances when I received something funky. I never found a tick on my person. They appeared as a mosquito bite and the next subsequent days they looked like a nasty bug bite. I did go to the ER for the first one but was told it was more than likely a spider bite and if I worsened to have me return to the ER. Well, it itched and looked nasty for about a week and went away.

Not thinking anything of it, fast forward to the last few years and lots of aches and pains later, here I am.

Now what? I'm reading all I can on Lyme's and have a few dear Friends that are Lyme Warriors that have given me some great info for this journey. Terry and I went to the office that provided the test results for protocol. I will be on antibiotics for 6 months. WHEW!

Lesson learned to be persistent with medical professionals if something is not right. I did also return for a more through test on my Thyroid and will complete my Adrenal testing as well and should have the results next month on that.

I ended up going back to work on the 9th of this month. I felt terrible on Monday, excellent on Tuesday and Wednesday was a horrible day! I could barely walk into the building, I shuffled in, kind of like Tim Conway does as the Old Man, except not as funny. I couldn't open up the door to the office and started crying while waiting for co-worker that took pity on my I believe to open the door.
I walked to my desk just crying, I couldn't take off my coat, I couldn't take my Quart jar (holds my water) out of my bag, my Supervisor helped me sit down. I didn't have the strength to pull and push my chair to sit down. It took me 20 mins to log into my computer. I couldn't get my fingers to work! I was so flustered and upset.

Part of me was upset because Terry didn't think I could make 3 days and here I was on the third day sitting at my desk blubbering like a baby. Terry had been staying in the area so I texted him to pick me up. I was hoping I could start again on Thursday but there was no change. Thursday night I chatted with Terry and a few good friends that encouraged me to do what felt right, my health comes first!

I felt like a failure. I was disappointed at myself. My Warrior spirit felt like it's weaning. I still believe God is with me, just like so many other low or concerning times in my life.I'm not throwing in the towel, just venting.

Of course, I also do not have the Lyme Disease that makes you lose weight. SIGH! Just making light of this, no seriousness intended.  It has messed with my Thyroid so I have the reverse. Though with watching what I eat, see my previous post-Tired of being tired Pt 1.

I think about so many others that are struggling with worse health issues and count my blessings. Since I'm not working I have to figure out how to creatively make ends meet.

Anyone interested in a Survivor of abuse, turned health activist, Antique/vintage dealer, Doula, Reflexologist, herbalist and hobby farmer? Happy to telecommute!

This journey has taught me to appreciate everyday! My past and where I am now is so much better. I have a sense of peace, the normalcy I yearned for, though there is still some sort of drama here and there that is unrelated. And on a positive note I now have a growing collection of walking sticks and canes to help me with my balance issues on rough days!

Please see my previous post labels: Safety plan, Leaving your abuser, Positive Affirmations, Gaslighter or maybe you want to know more about my journey, see About me. My journey started the moment I left my ex.

I know God is in control! Even when everything seems like it is spinning out of hand. The Lord knows every hair on your head, where you have been and where you are going. If you need to talk, need to pray or want to find out more about the Lord, please feel free to email me, leave me a comment or find me as "Melinda Campos Kunst" on FB.

On side note, I found the nerve to color my hair PINK!
My Hubby cut it SHORT so I can wear it as a "Faux hawk"! I loved it! It lasted about a week before I decided I was ready to go back to my normal color.

I had received more then a handful of comments of "Why did you do that?!" and raised more than a few eyebrows at church. Two things:

1) I always wanted pink hair, even before it was popular to do funky colors with your hair.

2) It felt empowering to cut and color my hair how "I" wanted it to be. Terry was fine with the color as long as I was happy with it, he would be happy.With my ex even my hair had to be looking perfect. He hated short hair! It's so super easy to deal with especially right now, when I am lucky if I feel like getting dressed everyday.Strange enough, I felt very empowered by my rockin spunky new look!  I'll be growing out my lovely locks so I can actually do some neato hair styles I found on Pinterest. YES, you will find me on there! One of my vices to get lost on!

I pray that your path finds you with much joy, happiness, safety and love. The path is slow, rocky and sometimes seems like too much, but it's worth it in the end. Don't give up! I'm rooting for you! I'll follow up with more info on my health journey as it comes!

God bless and BIG hugs!

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Tired of being tired Pt 1

 It's been awhile since I have posted. Several things going on with me, physically. I also think I need to take more of a drastic direction of my blog than just sharing my past. I have tried to incorporate what's going on in my life here and there that is not related to my abuser in order to shine a ray of sunshine on what can be a dark subject.

As I shared before I wish for normalcy. Like a child craving a sweet at the checkout counter of a store. 

I crave stability. 
I crave happiness in everyday life and simple things. 
I crave unconditional love. 

I am blessed to receive all of these things now and count my life at this time surreal from my past. Which brings me to why I have been MIA for a bit. 

Now thinking back I can see patterns of physical issues but I was so consumed with fear and panic that I didn't put things together. And of course I wasn't able to really worry about how I felt at that time. I know sounds weird, but when I was with my ex husband, anytime that took away from my abuser was a no-no! He believed that any sickness or injuries were my fault or made up. 

Enough about him! Flash forward to present. 

So over the past year I noticed an increase in aches and pains. I attributed alot of it to getting older (I'll be 45 this month) or maybe it is my high stress job as a Customer Service agent for a nationwide trash company. It is not uncommon for workers, myself included, to cry sometime during the work hours from a disgruntled customer unhappy with billing, trash pick up, or why the sun is not out. 

These issues started to worry me as I noticed my feet started to feel tingly and felt numb. I blew it off to the fact I was sitting all day. And I was so exhausted, even after sleeping, also my sleep was off. I was maybe getting 4 hours of sleep a night if I was lucky. Of course I would fall asleep on the couch at 7 pm! I felt old! Despite my working out, P90, TurboJam, TurboFire, Brazilian Butt lifting 5 times a week (Not all at the same time) I was gaining weight! 15 pounds in a month at one point and time. I was watching what I ate somewhat. I admit I was stress eating mostly at work and eating snacks and desserts after 8 pm, after my nap. 

Slowly that  annoying tingly-numb feeling crept up my legs. The next month my arms and hands had the same feeling. I was really getting worried. But I did continue to brush it off as how I was sitting at my desk. My back was killing me more than normal. Which again I blew off. I invested in a Office ball chair, of which I loved bouncing on! I figure I could perhaps get rid of the weird feeling in my arms and legs this way. During this time I was having more Anxiety attacks, muscle twitches and my speech was becoming impaired. I felt like I was losing it. I cried to Terry that maybe I was getting Parkinson's or Alzheimer's! I was forgetting things, my headaches that plagued me for years were getting so intense I had to leave work.

I had Vertigo on and off for 10+ years that would come on if I was tired or under great stress. It would go away after a few days to a week. Suddenly in July no matter what I did I couldn't get it to leave. It no longer was limited to when I was just tired. I was having intense spells that happened when I when I was sitting, driving and just walking. I broke down and scheduled an appointment to a Chiropractor. A month later, I was still experiencing issues and they worsened! 

The Chiropractor advised that I had the signs of Fibromyalgia and possibly MS. Hearing this I needed to jump into going to a medical doctor in August. I left work early at work in a panic. I felt anxiety but something else. I felt hot, I was so dizzy and felt faint! I shared with my co-workers that something wasn't right. I had Terry pick me up from work and we drove to Urgent Aid. I didn't know what was wrong but something was just not right.

I was evaluated and sent away to be treated as a inner ear infection. I was unhappy with the diagnosis and told I should go to the ER if symptoms persist. 2 days later I went to the ER. I was once again evaluated and told about a probability of an inner ear infection and sent on my way. 

Feeling puzzled and somewhat annoyed I was able to get to doctors. At the appointment I rattled on about 30+ other things I have noticed over the past few weeks. He scheduled MRI's, blood work, sleep studies, stress tests and more. He wanted to get a baseline since he never saw me before. I left my appointment upset. During the waiting period for my tests I took it upon myself to read and devour articles and websites on anything that sounded like my symptoms. I came up with a few things to ask the doctor about at our next visit. 

Upon the next visit I was informed I was borderline Hashimoto and further tests needed. MS, Lyme's Disease and Lupus was ruled out. YEA! I still had no answers. I ask if he performed the Western Blot and all Thyroid levels. He said he did blood tests and I was fine. HUMPH!  I had shared I had PTSD at our first visit this time the Doctor suggested that perhaps I was "Creating my symptoms". He may have to refer me to a psychoanalyst if nothing is found.

We left the appointment frustrated. 

I was tearful and upset. 

I know it's not in my head!

A friend of mine recommended I change my diet- No Dairy, Whites, or Gluten. She had experienced similar issues a year before. She provided some other great pearls of wisdom and I felt like I finally was not losing my mind. I also met someone else that advised of a place I could get a blood test for Lyme disease since we live in a location where this is prevalent. So I did! I should get the results back in a month, at this present time I should be hearing from them soon with the results.

Since I started this journey I have been depressed and annoyed that I haven't had an real answers. I found my blood results with a Hashi group I joined and bounced them off a kindred spirit. I wish she lived closer! She gave me a pep talk and pointed me in the right direction to ask my doctor about my test results. I had an appointment on Tuesday and before I went I prayed for God to intercede with my visit and  I ended up seeing the Dr's Associate! He was informative, attentive and listened to my concerns. 

He verified it looks like I have Hashimoto's, also Celiac's Disease and he believes I have Adrenal Fatigue! 
WHOA! I had to thank the Lord for this blessing.

I requested further testing on my Thyroid, brain and vitamins. He sent us to Vyto's Pharmacy (A Compound Pharmacy. In my opinion it's too bad we don't have more of these anymore!) for a Cortisol test.Everyone was informative! it so happens the Pharmacist suffered from Thyroid issues, so she was able to provide a lot of information. 

So armed with new vitamins to try, my saliva test and a positive visit I feel better that something positive will come out of this! 

I have been off work this whole time but my FMLA is up this week so next week I head back to work. Terry is betting I make it 3 days. I figure I will try to see how far I can go without losing my mind or physically breakdown. So say a prayer for me!
How could this all come to a head? For many years I have had a great deal of stress in my life which sent my Adrenals to work overtime. As the years went by of burning the midnight oil and chaotic situations my body has decided it's fried. I felt I needed to share. 

Many Victims and Survivors of abuse have various ailments that are worse or hidden. Abuse can do a real number to a person. The effects can be felt years later after the abuse is over. In some, physical issues go away after leaving and maybe replaced with Adrenal Fatigue or Thyroid issues. So Dear blog reader, I implore you to make sure you make a checklist for your health.  Keep a journal of your whole body, mind and spirit. Get yourself checked and don't wait like I did! 

Wherever your journey is taking you be safe!

God bless!

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

New campaigns and leaving your abuser

Have you heard of some great programs recently to help Victims?

Service that will move Victims, see story here: 


Also "The Black Dot campaign" When someone shared this on FB I was very excited to hear about it. I did check the internet to find our more info on this organization and found Snopes states it is a false system as many hospital workers and law enforcement are not trained to look for a black dot on a victims hand. Check out the group on FB-https://www.facebook.com/Black-Dot-Campaign-Supporters-838246062962711

I am hope to hear of more activism or info on training our health care workers or law enforcement to recognize this. I reached out to the group Admin to inquire how I could help but received info on purchasing T-shirts. While I am definitely super happy to find out how to bring attention and help others silently get help and I'm not sure I feel comfortable yet supporting this group. I think the vision is awesome! I'll keep watch on this organization. 

So what do you do when you find yourself in this situation of wanting help but not sure where to go?

Or perhaps you have a friend or relative that needs help and you are unsure how to help. Here is a few bits of info!

The National Domestic Violence Hotline-1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) http://www.thehotline.org/

Check with your local shelters in your area. If you are unsure or just feel you can not locate this info safely on your home computer find a friend or relative to help you. I am always happy to help so don't hesitate to email me privately-melindaallen1970@gmail.com.

Check out my other posts on Safety and Checklist for leaving your abuser for information for steps. Document everything that you can, emails, text message, voice mails and keep a journal of these things or to help you cope with your current situation and past. Sometimes when you are going through a dangerous situation you may not be able to see the trees through the forest. The time of separation is "Survival mode", you may be hyper sensitive right now. You may cry, scream, feel elated one minute and the next feel utter despair.

You are in a different situation in comparison to those that are not a victim of abuse. Don't feel defeated if you still consider going back to your partner. Don't feel terrible if you let your partner get to you or hold financial or health issues and he/she will take care of you if you come back. Or state that are will not be able to make it on your own with no money or home to call your own.

You are not a terrible person if you go back. You do have to hit rock bottom before you finally leave for good. "You" are the one that will know when it is time to leave. It may take a week, months or years. I beg you if your children or pets are being hurt to get help ASAP! If you can't leave for you please think of your children or furbabies. 

It was the first hard thing I had to do, the second hardest was to stay away from him. That meant blocking his number, not letting him know where I was, making sure I kept contact when I had to talk with him to a minimum. I didn't get back to him right away,when he called and you know what? It felt pretty dang good I didn't have to jump when he said jump! 

Of course if it's an emergency please make sure you keep record of what the urgency is. Now if someone is in the hospital THAT is an emergency. If your abuser doesn't remember passwords, financial info or how to wipe his/her butt, too bad! Your not responsible. Your job is to stay safe, get help and find sanity during this rough time. 

I'm not going to lie, the next few years are going to be rough. Get counseling if you need to! What worked for me may not work for you. You have to find what makes you comfortable to help heal and get through this roller coaster. 

Being free may mean you get a little wild or want to show up your abuser, staying out partying. Please don't! I'm not saying you can't have fun, but please do so responsibly! Don't advertise your outings so you don't bump into your abuser. Remember safety in numbers. Make sure you always go out with someone trusted or call someone to let them know of your day in case something happens to you.

This is information overload! Take your time and go through my blog and glean what you can. Remember this is not your fault. You will get through it, this takes work and it helps to have a trusted supportive person to bounce situations and information off of. Try not to take offense to the suggestions or advice this person gives you. You are right in the mix of a potentially dangerous situation and you may not be thinking clearly. Step back, breathe, find a safe way to decompress. 

*Pray/Read the Bible- If you have any questions about the Lord or don't have a Bible drop me a line, I would be happy to discuss this with you privately about how good God has been even when I was pushed over the edge.

*Spend time with your kids/furbabies or loved ones.



*Find a hobby that you enjoy

*Get out and hug a tree or ground yourself for at least 20 minutes a day.

*Talk to a friend or professional

*Plan for your future


*Take a hot bath for at least 20 minutes or as long as you can with Epsom salts, essential oils, or herbs, soft music and candles. Don't be afraid to cry during this time. When you pull the drain envision all of your worries and negative emotions going down the drain.

*Try alternative healing- Reiki, Vision Boards, Yoga, Reflexology (Hey I know a great Reflexologist if you are in the NW Indiana area- Me!) 

*Create a Bucket list or think of things you always wanted to do and DO THEM!

*Read a good book

These are just a few things you can do to help you heal and find some normalcy. I hope it helps! 

Stay safe!
God bless,

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

What to expect from a shelter

If you have followed my story from the beginning, you may remember my experience as a guest in a shelter. If not, no worries you can find my experience in older blog entries.

The whole ordeal of leaving an abuser is terrifying, traumatic and down right emotional! You decide to make the jump to leave your abuser and may be unsure where are you going to go?

A hazy view of shelters, as being seedy. A place where only low income women go. Maybe you are intimatdated. Perhaps you think only people with kids are allowed there or you feel just uncertain if it's okay for you. You may have no idea where to find one in your area. All of these thoughts and feelings are normal and understandable!

Abuse effects all ages, races, economic situations, sexes, and religious beliefs. Those men and women that go through the doors of shelters are just as nervous and unsure as you are. Many come with baggage that is not seen from the outside. They come with scars both inside and out. Many have trust issues, lack of confidence, little to no finances, support , no idea what tomorrow is going to bring and some are just bone weary from whatever situation they escaped from. One woman during my stay had been a Guest over 20 times! She hoped she could be strong enough not to go back again.

You will need to call a shelter near you. Most shelters addresses are not listed in the phone book, as not to bring unwanted attention and for safety of it's Guests.

You head to your local government page for your state or city for contact information. Google search, Aspire App that was recently created specifically for victims of abuse, and https://www.domesticshelters.org to name a few.

What happens next is when you are safe, call, a person will take an assessment of your situation, ask if you need or can leave ASAP. If you need a lift most shelters do provide a pick up service if it is safe. If the police have been called advocates can take you under the watchful eye of an Officer. Many shelters host 15 to 40 beds and on average you can stay 30 to 40 days and if you have wee ones of course they can stay as well. An advocate will also let you know whether they have room, which can be equally scary, but in most cases they should be able to coordinate a escape day for you or let you know when they will have a vacancy.

Please don't let that stop you from leaving!

What can you expect once you have become a Guest? This list is just a top of my head list and some shelters may have more programs or less, feel free to ask!

*A caring person to listen or just give you a hug if need be

*Shelter-there maybe a slim chance you have to share a room

*You will be asked birthday, address, medical info, nearest relative, description of your abuser, if you have a Order of Protection, attorney information, a short bit of the abuse. You will also be required to fill out a Safety Plan! I have a copy on this blog of the form given to me during our stay as an example. You will be asked about visitation arrangements if you have children together.

*Legal help

*Crisis intervention


*Support groups

*Case Management

*Children's services


*Help locating housing

*Job searches

*Training for a new career

*Medical help in cases of injury or rape-They can arrange to get you to a hospital

*Some have animal shelters and many do allow for service animals. Let your advocate know!

*Emergency phone- You will have access to dial 911 in case of emergency, it's not a phone for social media or for cruising on the web. It is for emergencies.
You will be responsible for you children

There will be shared Kitchen (Let them know if you need special dietary needs)and common areas

They will have toiletries, sheets/blankets, towels and clothing- During our first visit as a Guest we only had the clothes on our back! They provided us with new underwear, socks, toothbrushes, soaps and shampoos. I just cried at how wonderful the community was to donate total strangers!

You will have a place to do laundry

Most shelters do ask for Guests to contribute by sharing responsibilities of chores
You will be asked not to share too much personal information with other guests for your safety and that of others. Seems extreme but I was so into my own bubble of sadness I really wasn't up to making new friends.

No visitors! Advocates are very concerned over your well being and do not wish to put you or anyone else in harms way.

There maybe a curfew and if you are not back at that curfew they will call Police.

If you need to get anything important from home, as an example, prescriptions, birth certificates, medical cards and so on. . . An Officer can escort your to your home to pick up these items. It's not a time to bring everything with you. Just small important things.

This is just a brief bit of information. Programs and assistance may vary for how in depth or detailed the shelter can help you. It's not a handout. It's not something to take advantage. It's for you to get back on your feet, to help you realize you are AMAZING and DESERVE not to be hurt anymore!

When you walk through those doors you find a place that is homey, safe and bright. Advocates at these facilities are caring, genuine and have seen every sort of scenario! They have been through intense training in order to equip them with knowledge to help you through your situation.

This is just a small peek into a shelter.  I encourage you to check into these services. It is humbling to ask for help, but I have to tell you, I found encouragement, others like me and hope for a new beginning.

I'm proud of you Dear Blog reader! No matter where you are on your journey please know you are not alone. And if you know someone that is in an abusive situation share this blog with them. My own story is found in the Labels and also share Safety/Safety plan, and Check list for leaving your abuser, to encourage and inspire hope of a normal life. There is normalcy after abuse. It takes time to get there and lots of tears but it's worth it.

BIG HUGS and stay safe!

Monday, July 13, 2015

I hit him too!

I cowered in the corner. Trying my best not to cry and feeling totally helpless and desparate not to get hurt again like I had in the past. His shouting and arguing had led me to this familiar corner of the room. I felt like a animal ready for the slaughter. My stomach hurt. I couldn't catch my breath but couldn't let on that I was feeling as frightened as I already outwardly was.

He stood above me with a coy dark smile. His face was cloudy but filled with rage. His fist clenched so hard I swore his knuckles would pop out of his skin.

My mind jumbled for some sort good reason to appease him as to why I failed to make some calls about bills. I forgot is not good enough. I ran out of time is not good either. I had no good, valid reason. I hurridly went about my day like normal, rushing about like a squirrel in traffic, trying to make sure I store my nuts before the winter.

Oh that's how everyday felt. Like I was rushing about with a list of things that numbered from a unrealistic checklist of people, place and things to do. I usually did everything by the skin of my teeth. But not that day.

I managed to squeak out that I was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. His face changed into a gentle smile and he offered a hand up. I felt a rush of relief! YEA!

After helping me up, he takes me and shoves me so faster then I had time to register what happened and I'm falling backwards into the wall behind me. I let out a sigh as I went down. My teeth had clenched together from the impact. My head hurt and arms felt bruised.

He stomped away in a huff, muttering under his breath. I stayed there like a rag doll for what seemed like forever, in actuality it was a few minutes. I rose slowly, ever so carefully. My head felt like it was filled with cotton. From behind me I heard quick steps rushing towards me. I felt a adreniline and turned around with such force my back cracked. I turned fast enough to see him coming at me with the cold stare of hate etched on it. His intention was to do further battle.

He started screaming that I was lazy and good for nothing, along with some obsenities I was used to. I felt wobbly, still shook up from the incident just a bit before. I raised my arms to protect myself while he sneered with a fist in mid air, somehow I grew a set of man parts and stopped his hand and punched him in the stomach! He looked stunned!

"You hit me, Mel! I didn't hit you! I was just coming to see if you were okay after you fell!"

Huh?! What?!

I yelled back that I was protecting myself!

He spoke softly and said, "Mel, you really need to get help before you hurt one of the me or one of the kids! I'll let this go but we need to talk to the doctor about meds for you. Or perhaps a Psych eval."

"I think you need to rethink who is abusive in this family. I have was protecting myself from you Mel. I saw you look wild and that's why my hands were up because I wasn't sure what you were going to do to me."

I was stunned, pumped up with SheMomma emotions! I felt both stupid and angry at him and myself. At the same time I knew what he was doing. He had a habit of doing or saying things to make me feel like I was nuts. Truth is I thought I was losing it.

There was a time, I believed if I fought back I was to blame for the abuse as much as he was. He would bark he would call the police on me and take the kids. I would never see them again.

But I very rarely hit back. I usually just took whatever crap he hit me with. It wasn't until much later I realized I was not crazy. I was not abusive and he was twisted. I was defending myself from a potentially heated situation. I never struck my children out of anger or abused them as my ex had. He rationalized all of his reactions to situations with some sort funky spin to make me the bad guy or he always has someone else be the scapegoat. Never fully taking responsiblity for his actions.

So Dear one, if you are trapped in a situation that sounds similar, please know you are not alone. Contact a trusted friend or relative, shelter or even the Police to get help. Don't hide in the darkness any longer. It is scary to leave an abusive situation. I'm not going to sugar coat it. But you will be in a much better place once you have left.

Please view my other posts on "Safety". Check into the "Aspire" app created by Dr. Phil's wife, which looks like a regular news feed but secretly has info to get help locally.

Prayers and hugs for you!

Monday, June 8, 2015

Where do you go now that you have left?

Planning stages or even looking into leaving your abuser can be a hot mess. He/She may monitor your every move via the web or check your phone history. What's a person to do?

Dr's Phil's wife, Robin and a team have created an app that looks like a regular news story app, but ingeniously if you need to find a place to go in an emergency, it will provide the nearest place to go to for help or provide a number for you! 

Most abusers keep a close eye on his/her victims, causing the victim to feel stuck in reaching out for help. 

This app sounds like a great resource! I haven't checked it out personally but plan on it. 

If you are still not sure you wish to go that route. Go to http://www.thehotline.org for assistance! It's confidential. 

Please be mindful at all times of your cell and computer history! Or use a trusted friends or go to your local library! 

Making the decision to leave is a BIG STEP! Be safe and be careful! Let a trusted friend or family member about your plans. Find your local shelter using the Aspire app or the old fashioned way of a phone book. A representative can do what they can to help you stay as a guest at their facility. Don't wait!

Stay safe!


Monday, May 25, 2015

Invasion of Privacy!

The recent events of email messages from my ex and supposedly rocked my bubble of bliss. Don't misunderstand me, I'm on guard but sometimes I admit, I get relaxed. I also had a friend request from someone and thought the name sounded familiar, so I accepted.

Overnight the person had started friending about 25+ friends and probably more that I am unaware of. Who friends other people like that? It was weird because it was family and random people.

Concerned? Yes! Here I blog about safety and DUH! I didn't follow my own pearly wisdom. I'm still kicking myself. I am pretty sure it was my ex as well. I'm so paranoid, I guess he won those last few. I let him get to me. In my head that is, causing me to twitch, doubt, check and double check my surroundings, windows in the house, the door locks and car.

I had received notice that due to the emails my ex will have be charged with "Invasion of Privacy" ! From what I have read, he could be fined up to $5,000 and it is punishable with up to 1 year in jail. He could take a plea agreement but unsure what that will entail. I just want to be left alone.

What of our Son? Still in the back of my mind I hold onto hope that someday he will come around. I keep him wrapped in prayer. I hope if some sort of jail time is thrown down to my ex, that my Son does not hate me more.

Well, Dear Blog reader, see I do manage to make a mess of things from time to time.  My old insecurities have reared it's ugly head. I can't help but ask myself, what is up with this? I need to remind myself of my mantras-

I am a child of God
I am safe
I am loved
I am...

During the last few email events, Terry and I talked about the situation. He knows me well enough to know when something is not quite right. I just started babbling that I wanted just to be left alone, that I was tired of this and wanted to leave. (AH! Maybe there is "some truth" to my ex's email about running away).

He suggested I use another email or block him. Court papers state I need to have at least email correspondence for EMERGENCY purposes. I just whined that I didn't want to give up my email address. I pouted a bit too. I almost stomped my feet, well I thought about it.

I fidgeted a bit with my hands and could feel panic setting into my chest, he just took me gently and reminded me that I'm safe and he understands. We decided to just forward any crap from Rob to him and he would deal with it.

I guess I'm my own worst enemy. Or perhaps I am still hoping of some sort of sanity to come out of my ex. Some sort of clarity or "Hey Mel, I'm an total jerk and I'm getting help" kind of message from him. Though I have heard it all before. I am envious of those that have ex's that can maintain a relationship with them and share custody. Sounds weird I know! Of course that won't happen. This goes back to can an abuser change question...

So, Dear Blog reader, wherever you are in your journey please know there is no playbook or perfect way to live or recover from abuse.

There is wisdom in learning from past experiences or from others. There is no shame in asking others for help or going to a shelter. There is things you can do to stay safe and trust me you may stumble or fall from time to time but dust yourself off and stand on your feet. You can do it! I believe in you! If you are in a abusive situation please know you can break free. Reach out to a trusted friend or call your local shelter. View my other posts on "Safety lists" or "Safety".

Stay safe and God bless you!


Monday, May 11, 2015

Remember crazy?

mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way.

"Stella went crazy and assaulted a visitor"

mad, insane, out of one's mind, deranged, demented, not in one's right mind, crazed,lunatic, non compos mentis, unhinged, mad as a hatter, mad as a March hare

I admit that I love my new life! I enjoy the bubble of bliss of normalcy. The great feeling I get when I know it's time to get home at the end of a work day, because I know I'm going home to a place I love to go, it's my sanctuary, safe place and my favorite people are here. My Husband, Terry, our Daughters and Son, of course we have the fur babies and feather friends!

Unlike times past, sometimes my past comes up to nibble at my heels, whether memories, a email or text from my ex or eldest Son. Those nibbles hauntingly remind me of how unnatural and unsettling my relationship with in my first marriage. So today was no surprise when I received an email from my ex. The thing is I have an Order of Protection. He doesn't care and does what he wishes. It kind of creeped me out about it, especially that he still loves me and admits to stalking me. The things mentioned in the email are by so far out that I had to shake my head and actually laugh, though the March Hare seems fitting, I by no means make fun at the serious subject of abuse.

I shared with Terry, friends and family on FB, the responses I had received were supportive and shock at the interesting message. I'm sharing it here to bring light to abuse, to share that even though it is "6 years" later my abuser has not moved on, despite him having a Lady he is seeing, he is still not done with us.

Keep my family and I wrapped in prayer and also if you are in a abusive situation please get help! It's not easy to leave and many abusers still attempt to control, abuse and contact victims and survivors. I am going public with all of it! I'm coming out of the shadows of abuse to help others know they are not alone.

God bless~

Here is the email from today. Nothing has been edited or changed:

 Did you get a chance to look at the link i sent you? Do you believe in what it is saying? How about  the end of the 4th blood moon?I must say that I don't think entire destruction will come to America,and a lot of it could be metaphoric, but I do believe that we will not be the country where we once were. as the Bible says,, we will be no more.   As for being a super power.  America is no longer a super power now, and it will get less and less. We are already a Muslim country. The WH is Muslim our security is Muslim. Obama is the Assyrian King. He is doing exactly what he did to bring in the Babylon's. God is going to fight His enemies in His Land. We might be raptured before they completely destroy America. And if we don't the dead will rise first than the living Christians. We still get raptured. The Christians that are being killed right now , their blood cries to The Lord for revenge asking Him to open the seals. It will be soon very soon. Things will happen faster after the sept 28th blood moon. Leaving Obama 18 months left of his term. Even Satan himself knows his time is short. Satan is pissed off. Hitler will look like a Choir boy. Jesus will rapture us before Satan is revealed to the world. It could be Obama or someone from Turkey.

With all this i have decided for the light over darkness. I give you and Terry my forgiveness. That is good news for you up to this point. However i have done much studying on this.where i have grounds for divorce because of your adultery, you do not.so every day you are with him, every time you make love,every day you are away from me. is what some people call ongoing sin. as for how that can be fixed I either have to forgive you each day which I simply just probably will not remember to do. Or you have to fix the problem,and be completely repentive. and where I do not expect you to admit what you have done,or to leave him for me,, to fix the problem, because simply fixing the problem will be to devastating on your abilities.

however reading all that I have read,I dunno or rather can't bring myself to forgive you for what our children are going through. and from what I have been told and from what I have read I do not have to. as is I constantly worried about  our son . He has a hatred for you and Terry that is the darkest hatred i have ever seen. I have literally talked myself horse trying to restore his peace. Trying to get him to forgive you. I would say that the only way to get rid of the darkness that has taken root in are sons soul is for us to come back together. But although i still believe this will happen, I simply can't imagine how, and to be honest the two years before you left where hell..could not understand your relentless drive to force us apart.For sure your not the Christian woman i thought you where..but then again Satan will attack families relentlessly near the end of time . I know a lot of problems matt has with you is you keeping the girls away ..Melinda. .you need to be the one who gives in..the girls need to know us. The only reason I can see for you keeping them away is the fact that when they do come we will learn things that would land you in jail .or worse. .If you haven't mistreated our daughters and you are truly blessed and with god then you should have nothing to fear .

Melinda, If your not in control? Then get word to me .you may have made a decision to live as a slave but are girls did not..we have email from the girls telling how communication is not possible because Terry will not like it...Melinda this is ''''KIDNAPPING'''' Never once should the kids ever feel that they can't call or see us,and yet this is what is happening.
You do realize dont you that this behavior is unforgivable in gods eyes?

Melinda, i still know you.I found you when you ran away at 16 and your still running. I know and saw the loving eyes and heart you have for our kids.I saw you protect our babies. Feed them close to your breast.watch them till the we hours  when they where sick. Where is that Melinda? Is she gone? Why?because i mistreated you? That makes no sense. I am sorry i hit you when you broke the table. That is the only time i remember us getting into a fight that was not provoked. I wish i didn't, but i did. But that doesn't justify your affairs or why you have so much anger. I was hurt thousands of times worse,and i still love my wife.Please don't miss identify your shame for committing adultery, or your disire to look as though you are saving our kids rather then uprooting them for the purpose of covering up your own digressions . The anger and worried felling you feel is not from me .it is from your own actions.
I learned a lot being away from you..I know why i could never let go of the time i found you in the car with that guy from goldblats...you did have an affair, you even admit it to me later, but you left out that you got pregnant from him,hence the reason you did not want to tell your mom..I never saw it,even then you had my total love,and you where unfaithful then. ,,your mom told me the story. ...

I guess i knew down deep..

And then with wanting to be with woman, it was only a matter of time before we slipped into more negative behavior. I should have stopped it in the beginning. I trying when i threw cat out.i tryed to prove my blind love for you.i was to scared to order you around as Terry does to you now. I knew something was going on in the back of my mind .that is why i started with wanting to know where you are more and more..your reaction to this was horrendous.All of a sudden it was one more thing i was guilty of. What it really was ,was a reaction from you because i got to close to the truth about you and Terry. .and before you go trying to correct me about the time table between you and Terry. ..he is arrogant, and told me you had been seeing him since before sue and you broke up,he also told me that you where pregnant once before with him but you refused to have it and did not want to leave me...maybe he is lying to me,but i remember a time that i had even said to you i thought you where pregnant.

I understand you wanting to run away rather than face it all.but now that i know ..why do you still run??
I think you miss judge my ability to love,to forgive, and to enjoy life..I will admit, after you left and initial pain was less ,i did enjoy life more.I found an overwhelming peace, and truths. Some i serched for but some like what Terry told me i could have done without, but it did help me to understand how much you might have been trying to hide. It is all this that keeps you scared.

I once watched you at the court house. For a half hour you and Terry stood buy the windows, and for the whole time he talked and you nodded your head yes..You are being brain washed. I found an interesting insight to this in your emails and postings on Facebook when you tryed to convince the world and yourself that i was the one doing this to matt. That that was the only reason matt would turn against you..lol..the funny thing is i was not trying to point fingers at you at this time .i was just trying to figure out why you went against matt.lol  But i can see now it was Terry pulling the strings, and since he had been brain washing you for years he decided that it seemed doable and that is why you started with all that crap..
the main reason matt is like he is is simply your husband, ,boyfriend at the time pointed a gun at our son ,and you choose Terry over him.

And Terry brain washing you is about the only thing that makes sense when it comes to the 2 years of you coming to me and saying ,,i dont want to be with you,,with anybody, i just want to be alone. .please let me go......only to come back to me in 2 days or the next day and say ..i love you, i really do,and i want are marriage to work..you did this every week..so either you did this on purpose as a plan between you and Terry to metaly destroy me,or your subconscious was fighting what he was telling you. Which is kidnapping.

I go into all this for a reason. .you are now being watched and controlled 1000 times worse then you where with me.and our girls are as well. Melinda, you need to let the girls go.you need to stop using the kids as a link to your last remaining salvation. .i know you see them as a tool....as long as they are with me my actions are justified. Everyone will continue to believe me ,and pity me ,and give me praise for survival. FYI i will say that more than a dozen of your friends have told me your fake.and have urged me to take you to court. I believe that god will lead.. i am praying that god gets threw to you and you let the girls go..i already know your secrets and the rest i just dont care..but i still love you..so i guess Terry with all his plans still did not succeed.

I do thank god for removing you from my life .you where killing me and dragging me down to hell with you. He saved me from that path..but so you know i stand hear with the light on waiting for  gods time to honor his promise to me,and restore my family for his glory.

But know matter what happens between us..this should not be pushed on are kids. .Melinda as their father, i am begging you to realize your mistakes and let them come into my life..if they decide to not come back to you or you find the cops at your door after they talk about what's going on ,,dont see it as an attack, see it as gods way of setting things right..and if that part is BS and they are fine ?then what do you have to fear? Either way it would be god setting things right. so many people that have come to know the real me ,including mutual friends have started asking ,,,what are they doing to the girls that they are afraid to let them stay with dad for the weekend, or hang out with matt.
Melinda i am pleading to their mother. Please don't use them anymore.

And if i made errors in spelling or grammar. .i apologize ,not really my forte.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Be still. . .

From the time I was little, I wanted peace, love and comfort. Someone that would love me. I prayed to the Lord and questioned His love for me, feeling lost, afraid and hopeless at times. As the years passed and we had escaped my stepfather, life seemed to slip into a surreal normalcy. I was worried that if I blinked it would go away. 

Then I met my abuser. He was a bit different. Things spun out of control and what was normal went Topsy turvy. I felt as though I was suffocating, I felt stuck, and lonely. I feared leaving. I feared moving on. I feared the unknown of how I was going to make it and later how I would make it with 3 kids? 

It hasn't been easy or a cake walk. As I have mentioned on numerous times, I still have concerns for our safety. The years of feeling like I was walking on a tightrope have all but vanished. 

I still have memories, I still have triggers, I still have nightmares and I still sleep with the night light on. I also still have the unwelcome present of HSV2. That little gift serves as a reminder of a rather dark and bleak time that I would rather forget. But forgetting that time would be hasty. That time brought 3 beautiful kids into my life. I still pray that someday I will have a safe and healthy relationship with my eldest Son that is now 19 years old and I have not seen him since the latter part of 2010, after a scary incident involving a "Supervised visit" with our abuser in which the police were called due to an altercation between my ex and his Mom and Dad. He also threatened to slit my daughters throats if I was awarded custody of my girls. Likely, his threats were not taken lightly by the court and I was given custody of our girls and future visits were at Children's Treehouse. Of course that ended badly, but that is an older blog post. 

The old adage, "What doesn't kill you makes your stronger" Irked me and still kind of does. I don't feel any stronger than before. Conflict and argument's still send me into a panic and I can feel myself turn into a "Shrinking Violet", quite literally. 

I am annoyed that though it has been well over 6 years, my ex still hunts for us. Sound weird? Is it in my mind? No, he asks for us. He was sending me messages since we left in 2009 about his love for me, how we will be together someday, that "he forgives me" for everything and that he is a changed man. All of this nonsense is not reality. The reality of the situation is that he needs help. I've looked into prosecuting him for molesting our daughter but that ended up with a brick wall, legally where we reside too much time has elapsed and there is not a darn thing we can do.

I would be a fibber if I didn't say I wanted to get revenge. I still feel strongly about the situation of course for what that monster did. I was amazed at my Daughters bravery once she was free of the "secret" she had been keeping for years. And how she is choosing to forgive him and asked the Lord to help her do so. 

We still have our quirks and we try to help one another get through these. It's not easy. There are times of heated discussions, tears and regret as all of us in this household attempt to navigate through old wounds, of course the dreaded teenage hormones and my premenopause. God love Terry! His patience sometimes gets the better of him. I know we needed a strong person to help us through. God blessed us with that.

I don't know where you are in your journey but do me a favor. Be still for a moment. Wherever you are, stop what you are doing and just be still. What do you hear? Kids bickering? Traffic in your area? TV or radio on? No matter, take moments out of your day to just be still. Leave the camera off or the video option off and just soak in what is around you.                                                                      

After a crazy day at home or work, I have moments of clarity and splendor of how my life is today. I prayed for the life I have many, many years ago. It can be hard when your caught up in the moment to remember the simple blessings that are around you day to day. Such as, birds chirping, lightly tinkling wind chimes,the wind rustling through the trees, frogs and crickets chattering with one another. The sounds of laughter that seem infectious in our home. These sounds seem simple enough right?

There were times where I shut out the world, feeling lost in spirit and physically, while I closed my eyes and mind to some rough situations. I wanted to be someone else, I slowly stopped feeling, oh don't get me wrong, I always felt a wave of emotion when it came to my kids. Call me Momma Bear or fierce when it is needed! I did this to shut off the nasty words or sights I was seeing. I closed off to stop being hurt and to stop hurting.

Recent trip to Michigan City, IN- Washington Park zoo!

Where am I? I was taking the picture! I am getting a wee bit on the fluffy side since all I do is sit at work so I haven't been putting my mug in pictures too much. 

Once you are out of the abusive situation for a number of years there is clarity and to some degree I have understanding about how and why I did what I did and for how long I put up with what I did. I want you to know, Dear Blog reader that you will get through the rough parts, it will take time and there will be times when it seems like time stands still, with no end in sight of painful memories or legally. When this happens take a moment, be still, inhale all the good stuff and exhale all the bad thoughts, memories and pain. Do this for a few moments daily and let me know how it helps!

I know God's not done with me yet. I know He has never left my side and has sprinkled some amazing people and experiences in my life that I never imagined! Our bus project is going well. Terry found someone that will help show him how to weld the floor of the bus so he can then put in a floor and work on the build out of our "future" home. I'm counting the days until we launch and we all can not wait for whatever the good Lord has planned for us.

We hope to take part in helping any farmers/farm communities that need a hand and also to learn as well! Terry is a handyman/IT professional with a marvelous green thumb. We have both jumped into our mini farm with both feet after years of wondering and reading out of books we have tackled Beekeeping, raising Chicken/Ducks/Guinea Fowl/Rabbits, aquaponics (briefly more Terry's thing), forging in the yard for edibles, learning survival techniques, making our own soaps, salves, lotions and miscellaneous concoctions (some good and some bad-eg. my Dandelion wine didn't turn out so good). I am continuing to learn more about energy healing, Reflexology, Homeopathic medicines, Herbal medicine, Birth Doula and using essential oils. We hope to utilize our skills and help where needed, potentially for disaster relief or just healing someone that needs to share and talk.

I hope to meet some of the wonderful Survivors and Mom's of victims that I have come to exchange messages with over the past several years and I hope to inspire someone trapped in a abusive situation that they can find freedom, safety and a reason to live.

I'll quite ranting for a bit. If you need to talk feel free to reach me on FB-Melinda Kunst. I have several profiles- One is for my Reflexology page- Melinda Kunst (Healing Hearts), and just Melinda Kunst or at my email that I check regularly at blessmeplz@gmail.com

Stay safe and strong!


Thursday, March 12, 2015

I left now what?!

So you maybe thinking, "I took a leap and now what Mel?"

The path you are going on is going to be hard. There will be tears, screaming, and total shaking of your head at times. You may not believe how the legal system is treating you and you could feel like the one at fault. Though the process stinks from time to time, if you follow the rules, listen to your attorney or authorities you can make it through this.

Ever hear the statement- "CYA! Cover Your Ass!" Sorry to be blunt. Everything you can do to leave a paper trail, legally the better!

I encourage your to learn as much as you can about the laws for your location. This is not very interesting information but arming yourself about the In's and Out's of the legal system can help you immensely! A judge can see you as more professional which is something that can work to your advantage.

If you have any engagement with an attorney, police or Judge, try to remain calm. Don't give out too much information, such as, they are not going to care if you were running a marathon wearing pink lipstick or if you were trying to read a book. They want to know just the facts of what the matter is.

Keep a journal of any incidents of threatening texts/emails/voice mails/visits. These can be used as evidence of a poor behavior. Hold onto this information for as long as your case is going through and maybe even a year or two after that.

Ditch anything that your ex could possibly have bugged if possible or go through the item with a fine toothed comb. Spy ware, GPS, or a Lo-jack sort of system is just a small bit of technology your abuser can use to hunt you down or further harm you.

If you are leaving the area where you reside to get to safety I encourage you to find out what laws may make you come back or charge you with jail time. Again, sometimes the legal system can make you the bad guy. Stories are splashed on the news of victims jailed because they fled with children into a different state line.

Get a new bank account, change your passwords online, screen your calls and friends on social media. Don't answer the phone for your abuser or call back right away unless it is a "REAL" emergency! One of the happiest moments after leaving my ex, was that I wasn't at his beck and call anymore and I didn't have to answer his call or messages right away. I could wait a day or longer if I really needed to reply at all! There was a point where I informed him to only contact me if emergency otherwise email me. Soon after I was able to get a Order of Protection due to harassment and went through my attorney and a family member for emergencies. I got to tell you how nice this was/is!

Make sure you let a trusted family member or friend know your whereabouts! Make sure you are situationally aware of your surroundings. Trust your guts! Also if there is a visitation please make sure you do the visitation in a public setting or depending on the situation (if violent or disruption issues)ask to have visitations to be hosted at a specialized setting set by the court. These facilities are considered supervised and will have security for you and your family. There is a time limit given for families to visit. Ask your legal professional about this! Also consider asking for a GAL-Guardian ad Litem to assist if needed in children if they are distressed about past or with current situation with your ex. A GAL is an advocate for your child/ren and will help your child work through the issues with your ex.

Now, you maybe thinking, you have heard all this from me before. DUH! Well, sometimes we need reminding. This crazy roller coaster can make you loopy and frustrated! I'm here to let you know that I understand the madness of what you are going through.

If you haven't already done so and need a place to go to stay, call local shelters for help on counseling, legal services, or housing. Especially if you need a place to stay for yourself and children. You may need to tuck your pride aside and just call. These homes are guarded, secure and the folks that work or volunteer here are trained and professional. When I first left my ex in 2007, we were treated with kindness, compassion as well as with clothing and toiletries! That first time all we had was the clothes on our back! There are single women that go here to. Now for males with violent situations this is harder to find but there are services you can utilize as well. Please call your local shelter to inquire.

Now is the time to reclaim yourself! Get back your life! Kick any bad habits! Learn to love yourself and find you again!

You may feel devastated or confused about what the next day is going to bring for to you. I have to let you know that thinking about my future is what drove me to starting again. Knowing I can do what comes my way and that the good Lord is my driving force is what helps me!

After a few days or weeks after leaving you and your child/ren could experience, nightmares, panic attacks, anxieties, medical conditions out of the blue, irrational behavior, mood swings, school work can suffer and depression to name a few things. 
Wait? What?! These may even manifest months or years later. Be mindful to journal or keep a calendar of these challenges and share with your advocate/legal professional/counselor.

Speaking of Counseling. I found counselling didn't work for me, as I found myself feeling worse or more stressed out than when I arrived, this may not be the norm but I did see at least 5 different counselors/therapists. I didn't do well on anti-depressants as they made me eat alot and suicidal. So where did that leave me?

I am on a journey to find what works for me and my children and you have to find what works for you and I am not condoning modern medicine or therapy or shaking my finger at you as this is your journey, find what works for you! This road has led me to:
Reading my Bible
Going to a drumming circle
Using essential oils- Feeling therapy- a shameless plug for YL Oils, I am a distributor
Smudging my home, myself and family
Creating a Bucket List
Positive affirmations
Meditation- This is something that is hard for me to focus as my mind is going 50 miles a minute!
Recently Yoga- Now I wish I look this graceful. I actually don't bend well, and teeter over like a Weeble (showing my age)

I also do things I have always enjoyed: Garage/Yard sales, crafting, antiquing, public speaking engagements-Most are craft/Reflexology/Antique related. I have also learned how to raise chickens, ducks, guinea fowl, rabbits and bees! 

I even went to school again for Medical Assisting- I have the degree but have yet- 4 years later to find a job in that profession (GRRFACE!) I still have the student loan to pay back go figure! These are just a few things that are helping me to find "ME". Sounds strange doesn't it? 
Like, what? were you lost? 

Yes I was for a very long time. I lost my moxie, spunk and zest for life. I lived my life but didn't really live it. I got by. Like a zombie. I got used to just surviving the moment. Not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, not wanting to cause or start an argument, rolling over when things get tough. Not finding my voice when I am in an uncomfortable situation or just agreeing with something or someone when I really don't want to.  

All of these things take time to learn and do. It isn't happening over night. If I could have asked God to take it all away, I wouldn't. The experiences have made me stronger. Now as for forgiveness for what my abuser did to me, I forgave him awhile back, but with the molesting of my daughter, that I am having a hard time with.  I am being honest about that. I go back and forth about this, knowing Biblical I need to forgive, I'm just not ready yet. 

I hope these have helped you! Thanks for listening to me ramble on.
Also please refer to my other blog posts on similar topics. 
Stay safe and God bless!


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

 My phone chirped, again, I knew better then ignore it as it chirped for the past 10 mins impatiently like a 2 year old waiting to be fed.

It was Rob. I was supposed to have been home 15 minutes ago! I was waiting for a train to pass. The area I was stopped at was notorious for trains that go on forever. I cringed as another train going the opposite direction decided to parade on by, much longer than the first.

"Crap, Rob is going to kill me!" I finally answered the annoying device that hung on my hip like a lead weight.

"Hey! Sorry I didn't hear you, there is a train..."

Rob yelled, "You were supposed to be home by now!" My mind was racing, but yet I grew bold and told him I was waiting for the trains to pass, and I hung my phone out the window in vain and hopes he would hear the rumble in the background.

"Did you hear that?! That's why I'm late! I have been here for over 20 minutes or so and can't turn around due to the back up behind me!", I advised while shaking like a leaf. I waited for him to yell or something but all I heard was silence and then a click.

A hung up is sometimes worse then being hollered at. With silence, I never knew if he would be waiting with vengeful heart. My stomach tightened. I grew panicky inside and prayed he would mellow out or forget the incident.

When I rolled home, he didn't help me with the groceries. It was a rare occasion when he did. The kids would help as best they could but for the most part I became an Octopus woman to get everything I could in, as fast as possible.

I threw everything on the table and did my best to put on a happy face as if nothing was wrong. The kids instinctively knew to scram after all was in and I was left alone with him. He grunted from the couch, not even looking at me. I tried to brush off the event but he wouldn't. He started in with, "Who did you see, Mel?" He quickly jumped from the couch that caused me to gasp loudly, I responded that I wasn't seeing anyone, that I was stuck by the train. I knew I wasn't getting anywhere arguing with him.

Did I mention I am so happy I'm not in that situation anymore? I really can not fathom how ridiculous those conversations/arguments were.

Was I cheating? Who was I cheating with? How many people are you screwing?

I learned that he was rationalizing his behavior by creating some mind games to tempt me to fool around and than his flirting or stepping out would make it okay.

This is not normal. If this scene sounds something familiar please ask yourself how much longer can you hold on? You maybe at the point where you feel as though you are losing your mind or that perhaps you are the cause of the breakdown of relationship.

Your NOT!

I can't tell you when to leave. I can't tell you it's time to go. You will know when enough is enough. Call it hitting, "Rock bottom", which is the point of when you can't go on. Hopefully it's not too late or that you become injured or your child/furbaby gets hurt before you make the decision. Talk with a trusted friend, call a Shelter or the Domestic Violence Hotline if you are not sure but want to discuss the situation before taking the plunge.

A few tips:

Make sure you are clearing your history about shelters or conversations about leaving your situation on your phone and computer!

Check out my other blog posts on Safety plans! These can help you plan and give checklists on what to take with you on your journey should you decide to take the leap and leave.

Stay safe and be careful! Remember you are worthy of a happy, NORMAL life. It is scary, it is going to be a roller coaster ride and maybe dangerous. Please don't do this alone, make sure you let someone know what your plans are and how your situation is.

Now an update from my last blog post regarding the passing of my mom-in-law. I learned Rob was mad I didn't show up and proceeded to bad mouth me with whoever would listen. Another family member went on to say that I needed to get over the situation already and yet another stated if her child had been abused she would have prosecuted him.

All of these comments but not one knows how hard it was to leave, not a one of them knows the heart break of leaving a child behind with that monster or worse the anger and sadness from not being able to do something to that man that took the virtue of my daughter. I wanted to call the authorities but honoring her word not to was very hard. She didn't want to be put on display or feel humiliated. I can't blame her and respect her decision, though it was terribly hard to do so. I am still hold anger on myself for not going with my guts and reading the signs. I am supposed to be the protector of my children, yet I feel very much guilty, ashamed and responsible for not protecting them enough.

On a side note we had a fun family day of visiting my family for my sisters birthday over the weekend and here are a few pictures with my girls, sisters and Mom (In green shirt at bottom)
God bless and please stay safe!

My daughters on the couch with my baby sister 

I'm on the left!
Me next to my Mom (she is in green shirt)

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Light a candle for Domestic Volience

Well my Dear Blog reader, today marks the 6th year that we left our abuser, it has been a wild ride! Not always in a good way!

These past few years have given me new insight on life. I have a more optimistic attitude that everything will work out right. The craziness of our divorce is over but there are still random irritating moments when my ex comes out of the darkness to cause some anxiety around the household.

Time has allowed me to begin healing, finding myself. None of which are happened at the hurried pace I wished for. It took time to get where I am and it will take time to heal. Realistically, I'm looking to challenge myself to try new things (see my picture in my Beekeeping outfit!), look at my Bucket List post.

Now that time has passed you would think my ex would move on. . . well he has, kind of. I receive messages from him and hear from friends that he still mentions his love for me and that he holds on to hope we will be together.

I can't help but feel the willies. I still look over my shoulder, I still carry my pistol, I do need to brush up on my self defense skills and I do still feel paranoid when I'm out.

Sad news, earlier this week my ex Mom-in-law passed away. I have to admit I have mixed feelings of her passing. The history between my ex's family and myself has been interesting.  I don't wish to say anything negative about it. There has been some good times and support. I don't believe some of the family realizes the severity or intensity of the relationship that I have/had with my ex.

In attempting of trying to set up a time to visit, my first plan fell through and my second plan went to crap in a hand basket fast! I had a plan to have an aunt on Rob's side distract him for a little of time so my eldest daughter and I could pay our respects. For some reason she took it upon herself to tell my Rob! He had stated it would be fine but he did not want Terry there, I was flabbergasted! Why did she tell him the plans? So this would give him time to plan some slick move?! I told her forget about it and asked why she screwed us? She didn't understand the issues. I explained Rob had molested my daughter and I want to keep her out of harms way and Rob threatened to kill Terry and I again last year, Hence the Order of Protection... DUH!  She remained cool throughout the call, I must have sounded like a rambling Momma Bear. I didn't care what I sounded like, I'm not family anymore. I don't feel I have to be "nice" anymore. Maybe it's age, maybe it's that I am tired of the whole dang situation. Maybe I just want peace.

I had worked it out to another way to have my eldest pay her respects, another trusted family member to get her there before the services start. I just was informed that we should refrain from going. That Rob is causing too much of a stink. . . I didn't wish to start drama but that happens with him. This reminds me of what happened when my ex father in law passed.

I have to admit to feeling some relief about the news, at least we tried!  Hope your day is filled with joy! Please share this post with anyone you think maybe in a abusive situation. Remember to stay safe!

Friday, February 13, 2015

Escaping the past

"I didn't take my meds today, do you really want to make me angry? I'm not kidding, I will bash your face in when I get home. *CLICK* "

As the hours would go by my stomach would turn in knots as time crept by until he arrived home. I felt like a child waiting for his parent to come home for a spanking after being caught doing something. More often than not, I was in trouble for not calling someone he asked me to or paying a bill. Nothing earth shatter. Though my children and I lived in a continual cycle of trying to please a person that could never be pleased.

I would never go back to someone that has any unstablity issues. I will not allow myself to go back.

If you have been with me on my journey thank you for reading. I don't post as often as I had in years past for numerous reasons. The most important reason is that I really want to move on. I want to shake the past from my bones and forget about it. I don't wish to be defined by my past, yet I don't wish to have my story fade away. I'm still not out of the dark. I still receive messages from my ex with sweet nothings and proclaiming his undying love for me. Which is very creepy as we are now almost to the 6 year anniversary of leaving.

I can't get past the physical scars my body holds both seen and unseen. Of course there is the special present of HPV and HSV2 that I have, a constant reminder of the past. There is a special birthday on November 17th that does not go by without me thinking of my eldest Son that I haven't seen in the past 5 years, phone calls I have made to him briefly are one sided and usually are followed up by nasty text messages about how horrible I am/was.

I know in my heart of hearts this isn't true. No I am not perfect but nor am I a monster that my ex has created. The damage is far beyond just a few names. I linger onto hope that someday my Son and I will be able to talk and see one another without me fearing my safety.

How can someone be so taken with another person so seemingly blindly?
The cold splash of reality is that my ex buys love. He is a sweet talker. He was profiled by a counselor as "Ted Bundy".

The thought of him abusing (sexually or otherwise) is still a thought. I may never know.  It's horrible to think that way but knowing what he did to our daughter, I have no doubts.

I think I can walk away from the past but sometimes it seems like a hug from a person you don't like very much and there is no way to run away from it. That's kind of how I feel, there is no escaping the past. Granted it's "Not in your face" anymore and for this I am thankful and I am not meaning to sound whiney.

I have the privilege of having victims and friends of those in abusive situations contact me. Most are just wanting to bend an ear, to see if they are making the right decision to consider leaving or maybe have a thought they are being abused but perhaps maybe it's all in their minds.

Every situation of abuse is different. You can not compare my experiences to yours. Each one is unique, some are more verbal, or emotional or sexual or physical. Many of the same behavioral patterns of these "Gaslighters", "Narcissist" or whatever you want to call them are similar! More often then not, it may seem like abusers maybe related!

Dear blog reader, whatever stage of abuse you are in, please know you are not alone! Whether you are a Man, Woman, old, young, white, black, or what have you, abuse has not boundaries! You can break free of the bondage of abuse. Take the steps to keep yourself safe.

Those first few weeks after I left, I have to admit that I was terrified. Scared he would find me, (he did) and more afraid I wouldn't make it on my own. (I did!!) I listened to dozens of break up songs- "I'm a Survivor" blaring on my radio, watching movies like "Enough" "Sleeping with the Enemy" and "The Burning bed" fueled my resolve that I in all honesty I wish I were stronger or well trained to take the SOB down.
I fantasized about that, knowing deep down it's not for me to do. He will be judged someday and I had to search myself rather then live in fear and just think of getting even that I needed to restore my spirit and build up my kids to know everything was going to work out and I am still a work in progress.

It's not easy. Myself and dear friends have battled with the insanity of not only an ex but our legal system that can swing to the way of the abuser if you are not careful! This means covering your behind! Document! Document! Document any and all conversations you have, whether text, email or voice mails.
I suggest not replying back if you can help it but gauge it by situation. Example, if your ex states he needs to change your visitation day, sure reply. But if conversation starts going south STOP replying! Don't antagonize your abuser by making nasty remarks, this could backfire on you in court or with legal authorities! Be the bigger person! Besides you aren't with this person anymore and do not need to be at his/her beck and call anymore!

Depending on your situation look into a Guardian ad Litem, which is an Advocate for your children and this person can be a value to you!

The legal system can be very rough. Things may not turn as you thought they may so prepare yourself, educate yourself about your states or countries laws. Learning all I could to help me, made me feel empowered and to some degree control.

Take time to rebuild yourself now, not later! Steps can be as small as Positive Affirmations, counseling or maybe a large step to go back to school! (See blog post on Positive Affirmations)

You CAN do this!

Everytime I wonder about my path, I look back and will soon have a day of rememberance when I left my abuser for the final and last time upcoming on Feburary 25th, which was Ash Wednesday in 2009. I hate to call it a time of celebration or anniversary. Rememberance fits better. So, when I find myself wanting to run from my past I think about that time of escape. The fear leading up to that day and the intensity of emotions I was going through. Time seemed to stand still and that appeared to be the longest day that I can think of. I have contact from other survivors or abusers and that serves as a reminder that I need to embrace my past. Not try to relive it, but that I have learned alot from it, which in turn my story has helped others still locked in a place of distress, sadness and worry. My story is here to let others know they are not alone and that they count!

So Dear blog reader, whether this is the first time your read my blog, please keep faith and know you matter! If you need to talk to someone please call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (800)799-7233 or (800)787-3224 TTY.

Now for my news! I try not to post too much about personal things going on in our live for safety reasons.(My ex and Son read my blog)

My family and I will be hitting the road travelling through the US in a few short years in hopes to go where we are needed; I hope to speak out against Domestic Abuse and meet other advocates I have met during my journey, also to help others for various organizations, or farmers or whereever the good Lord plants us. We will be travelling in a school bus in which my handy Hubby is in process of remodeling!

We are all very excited! I have a countdown going on and we are purging our belongings, as there is not alot of room in a bus! So stay tuned for news about our adventures! Honestly, 6 years ago I would have never thought I would be in the place of bliss I am right now. So, please don't give up hope! It can happen for you!