God's Free Will

No matter how hard try you can not just "will" thoughts, feeling, emotions, behavior on someone. The decisions that person make is theyre own. Everyone was given the gift of "Free will", this allows us to make choices that may not be for our benefit or very pretty!

Though I try or pray, I know that I can not just think that person into better behavior or a better relationship. People are who they are. Changing someone to fit your needs is not a good choice. You may end up with a fight or struggle on your hands!

I prayed desparately for changing loved ones and realize I can not do this. I give it to God to change they're hearts or behavior patterns. He alone can do that. He alone can work in the hearts of those I love. It may not be for me! It may not end up with a happy scenerio in the end. No warm fuzzy or tears. All one can do is keep hope, give it to God to take off your shoulders.

Ok, maybe I do end up in the corner rocking slowly hugging my legs or perhaps I'm just weepy and snot faced much of the time or maybe I stuff my face full of something tasty to ease my burden. I do not get any satisfaction from these things. I do not get satisfaction talking it over with family or friends because, as kindly as they listen, they are not in my shoes. I appreciate and love them to death for listening to me ramble and whine but they can only do so much.

I hate sounding like a broken record!

I don't like myself for allowing myself to feel sorry for me. At least that is what someone said recently. It shut me up in a heartbeat! Of course STBX said things similar about me feeling sorry and what do I have to be worried or upset about? My life isn't hard? WAH! That was the tone. I felt so crappy but on the other hand, perhaps I do need to harden myself more. I'm not sure.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, those close to me know in a split second something is wrong with me by just a glance. Dang my emotions! GRRFACE!

And dang "Free will"! If he would just do this or do that! Or if he would have just seen what this or that did to me by hurting me emotionally or whatever...

I too have "Free will"! I can change my circumstances. I can change who I am by reprogramming me to love me. To find in myself something more to be proud of!

I am starting to love me. I am learning to run by the mirrors really quick before I catch myself in the mirror so I don't start critiquing myself, which ends up with me not liking that woman in the mirror again.

I have "Free will", to love and be loved, to make choices that I see better for me. And though they may not fit in with whoever's grand plan, in the long run, I'm the one that matters. It's my path and I can choose how to live it.

"Free will..." Gotta love it!

Finding your voice!

You finally take the leap of faith and leave. You are now on your own trying to find your way, by now you may have gone through dozens of tissue, whether or not you loved your abuser or lost that love long ago. Crying and maybe even screaming may just be because you are finally free! You may be scared of what the future holds, perhaps you left with just the clothes on your back or you are jobless or the future seems bleak to you.

That old relationship seems like an ending, which it is! You are beginning the first day of the rest of your life! As crazy as it sounds no matter what age you are this is a do-over. A new start! A fresh start! It is not all sweetness and rainbows, any relationship that ends no matter what the reason is sad. It's ok to cry, it's ok to doubt, it's ok to feel like you want to go back, and that maybe it will work.

Whether you are leaving for the 1st time or the 11th time do not go back! Don't look back! Look forward! Keep your chin up, things will get better with time. Sorry to sound like a cliche but time does heal and it does get better. It takes tiny steps to start to love yourself again and to find you inside the scars but you can do it!

You will find your voice again and when you do it is the most amazing incident that happens to you! To feel empowered again is marvelous! To know that you do NOT have to ever go through any abusive ordeals again is the most wonderful thing! It will happen!

Reinvest in you by going back to school, taking up a hobby, read again, start taking better care of yourself, spend more time with your children (They have to heal too!), and reinvent yourself! It maybe that you have to lose the friends you used to have or not hang out with the same group of people, mainly because in most cases history can repeat itself, the chances of you ending up in another bad relationship is very high!  Especially after you leave your Abuser!

Be strong! You can do begin again! Finding your voice is the most important and rewarding things you can do for yourself! I'm proud of you!