A little about me

Thursday, June 2, 2011

God's Free Will

No matter how hard try you can not just "will" thoughts, feeling, emotions, behavior on someone. The decisions that person make is theyre own. Everyone was given the gift of "Free will", this allows us to make choices that may not be for our benefit or very pretty!

Though I try or pray, I know that I can not just think that person into better behavior or a better relationship. People are who they are. Changing someone to fit your needs is not a good choice. You may end up with a fight or struggle on your hands!

I prayed desparately for changing loved ones and realize I can not do this. I give it to God to change they're hearts or behavior patterns. He alone can do that. He alone can work in the hearts of those I love. It may not be for me! It may not end up with a happy scenerio in the end. No warm fuzzy or tears. All one can do is keep hope, give it to God to take off your shoulders.

Ok, maybe I do end up in the corner rocking slowly hugging my legs or perhaps I'm just weepy and snot faced much of the time or maybe I stuff my face full of something tasty to ease my burden. I do not get any satisfaction from these things. I do not get satisfaction talking it over with family or friends because, as kindly as they listen, they are not in my shoes. I appreciate and love them to death for listening to me ramble and whine but they can only do so much.

I hate sounding like a broken record!

I don't like myself for allowing myself to feel sorry for me. At least that is what someone said recently. It shut me up in a heartbeat! Of course STBX said things similar about me feeling sorry and what do I have to be worried or upset about? My life isn't hard? WAH! That was the tone. I felt so crappy but on the other hand, perhaps I do need to harden myself more. I'm not sure.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, those close to me know in a split second something is wrong with me by just a glance. Dang my emotions! GRRFACE!

And dang "Free will"! If he would just do this or do that! Or if he would have just seen what this or that did to me by hurting me emotionally or whatever...

I too have "Free will"! I can change my circumstances. I can change who I am by reprogramming me to love me. To find in myself something more to be proud of!

I am starting to love me. I am learning to run by the mirrors really quick before I catch myself in the mirror so I don't start critiquing myself, which ends up with me not liking that woman in the mirror again.

I have "Free will", to love and be loved, to make choices that I see better for me. And though they may not fit in with whoever's grand plan, in the long run, I'm the one that matters. It's my path and I can choose how to live it.

"Free will..." Gotta love it!

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