A little about me

Saturday, June 11, 2011

I didn't know it was that bad!

I saw someone today that I hadn't seen since Feb of 2009, the month I left STBX. I had went up to her because I thought she was someone I knew. She didn't recognize me, my hair is much shorter now!

She said she and her husband miss me. The Antique shop is not the same. I miss the heck out of that place, but don't miss the memories of STBX.

She said she didn't know it was that bad!

She is happy that I left that mess and hopes I am happy now. I showed her pictures of the kiddos that I had on a Power Point that I had made up for the Healthy Mom & Baby fair, trying to drum up business for my Doula services. We went on talking for a bit more and hope to get together for dinner or something when Terry gets back into town.

It was about time to leave so we exchanged good-bye's.

I also talked briefly to one of the lovely workers about being a Survivor of Domestic Abuse and she was going to pass on my number to someone she knew that needed to talk. She gave me a HUGE hug and told me how strong and brave I was. HMMM! I thanked her for her kind words. I packed up and left.

I spent the rest of this evening pondering again, thinking and feeling like a gloomy Gus. The "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda's", clouding my mind that was filled with jumbled memories of sadness and deep regret of not telling.

Thinking about the other woman's comments about being strong. Kayne West song drumming in my head, "Stronger" with brief snippets of Destiny's Child, "Survivor".

I have had nothing but nightmares lately. I know it's because of Mediation and court that is upcoming. I am super jumpy as well. I hate that feeling!

I cringe when I hear someone yell at they're child or at their mate. I want to speak up! I want to do what I never did. I want to shout out about not harming that innocent little person or the doting wife/partner.

I remember how submissive I was/am. I look down when a man passes my way, trained to do so. Trained not to look at a male, which made it hard to do business! J, joked in the car about some man staring at me recently and she said if I were still with "Dad" he would be saying I must be having sex with that guy. I felt terrible when the words left her mouth but I know that is exactly what "He" would have accused me of. 

His words pop in my head at times:

Why are you looking at him?
Why was he looking at you?
Did you know that person? They stared long enough at you!
SLUT! Are you *ucking him?!

I look down. It will take alot of years to stop doing certain things that I do. I want to get all of that out of my head! PTSD, panic attacks, nightmares and nervousiness.

As a victim you don't tell. I knew better! The punishment for telling was very harsh but sometimes the anticipation was worse. Knowing when I got home he was going to beat me or what have you was terrible. After a time I wished he would just do it so we could go on. I brought him the belt a few times, I waited in our room with my heart racing, palms sweating, and feeling sick to my stomach. Scared he would do something to the kids instead, which was very likely to be cruel.

Am I strong? It is said our experiences shape our lives and can make or break us. I was broken for a long time. What is enough for me is different for someone else. Hitting rock bottom for someone maybe a hospital stay on life support. For another it maybe that first slap or verbal word. I can not say when is the right time for someone to leave.

It's a matter of choice.

You have to want more for yourself! You are worth so much more then He/She says! You can make it on your own. You will make it on your own.

I had "Hope". I prayed for help and to know when it was time to go. I  still have "Hope" but for a different reason. For a new start, new joys and a new life without licking my wounds or covering up anything or for anyone. I have "Hope" and pass it on to whomever needs to know they are not alone...

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