Flat and over 100,000 views!

The past few weeks have been a heart breaking. Physically all of us in our home are tired, worn out and battling with whirlwind of feelings.

Soon after the birth of my Daughter's baby she faced additional blood pressure issues causing her to be admitted into the hospital on several occasions. On the last incident a Social Worker noticed something wrong between an exchange between Jess and her partner. Whatever it was just didn't set right in her gut so she did her job and asked Jess if she felt that she and the baby were safe with her partner.

She answered truthful... No.

Jess went on to describe a few situations that red flagged her and her partner and CPS was brought in.

The roller coaster she is going through is painful to us to see her crumble under the weight of honesty. She was forced to move out of his Aunt and Uncle's home with the baby and to move back in with us. Which didn't make her a happy camper.

She had threatened suicide, lost the desire to parent the baby and did injure herself which after chatting with my Sister about how escalating this situation was, she encouraged me to call the Police/Ambulance.

I did.

She stayed in a treatment facility for 8 days and since then has had up's and down's. She is on an Antidepressant and is to see a Counselor/Psychiatrist. She and her partner both have Parenting classes, he will have Anger management classes and both have to be supervised while they are with the baby.

It makes my heart hurt for her. I don't understand most of it from the Mom angle of not wanting to parent the baby. I am an odd egg and loved being with my kids. Oh sure I had my moments of wanting some alone time but I never wanted to be away for a long period of time. So this to me is difficult. Anytime I have suffered from Depression I fought my way through it.

She isn't me and I'm not her. We are so very different. We are different on how we cope and handle situations.

I wish I could wave a wand and make any pain go away for her. All I can do is to be supportive and understanding. It is hard to be understanding when I found out they didn't use a condom. GRRFACE!

Neither are ready to be an Adult much less a Parent. They can barely take care of themselves. But this is the situation they are in. Now we figure out how to fix it.

Much of Jess's issues are from her past. She (as well as her Sister) have never dealt with the abuse issue. Now that rears it ugly head like a monster that is under a bed.

Of course this brings so much back for me.

I was questioned by the Social worker on day one of the beginning of this situation and I sounded like a robot as I mentioned that we were abuser Survivors. The Social worker picked up on it and asked why I sounded so flat and with no emotion.

My first reaction to that was anger! I had a child in the ER that was unconscious at this time after just having a seizure from Pre-Eclampsia and they were having trouble getting her BP down. I couldn't think about anything else.

This is not the first time someone has mentioned how flat or robotic my response seemed from my past.

I guess I've told our story so much and I see/hear the reactions from people I tell about our past that I am leery.

Reactions are normally-

"How could you "let" that happen to you for so long" or "I would have never stayed "that" long" or "I would have kicked his a** to the curb after the first time".

It gets frustrating. I almost feel like I'm being judged for staying as long as I did. Which brings me back to my ex saying that I must have liked him treating me this way or I wouldn't have stayed.

I am apprehensive to tell my story though in cyber land I do mention and share my story on FB and Pinterest. On social media I don't have to worry about the tone, looks or response from someone that hears I stayed.

I still feel guilty enough for making my children to endure the abuse as long as they did. Why wasn't I brave enough to leave sooner or to leave before our relationship even had kids? I do feel like someday I take 2 steps forward and 2 steps back for healing. Grateful for my support team of family and friends of course my awesome Husband!

We will have another 5 months of CPS involvement and I pray that my Daughter and partner will have enough help and encouragement to become better partners for the baby and if they continue a relationship they get the counseling needed to deal with tough situations during a relationship.

If you are new to my story and scratching your head what's up with us. Here is the mini-version.

I met him in high school. I couldn't get him to leave me alone. He threatened to kill himself, my family and later my children if I ever left him.

I believed him.

I stayed. I continued to try to leave many, many times throughout our relationship. We fought about stupid stuff constantly.

I stayed through physical, verbal, sexual and mental assaults. I had no self esteem left, I was being broke down to the point of suicide. I had done things with my abuser that made me feel dirty.

We were swingers in which I had several lesbian encounters.
I was required to sit at his feet like a dog. He enjoyed BDSM but I learned later there is a healthy respect between the partners and everything he did was not!
He was a sex addict which meant I had to be ready 24/7 for relations. I could count on 2 hands how many times I didn't have to have sex with him. And that did not make him happy!
He sought the elusive Polyamory relationship, which did happen for a short period of time.
I bathed him.
I dressed him. (I warmed his boots for him in the winter and laced them for him all the time)
I started his car for him in the dead of winter. And loaded it.
I warmed his plate for meals, warm food would hit the wall, floor or would be tossed in trash.
I did everything you could think of for him.
I would have to scratch his back for hours at night until he fell asleep.
I felt like a hostage.
I felt like a whore.

I felt unclean. After the sexual encounters I would scrub myself as clean as I could, rubbing my skin until it hurt and was bright pink almost raw.

I felt like a failure as a Christian,as a wife and mother.

I envisioned killing myself and my family to escape. I had thoughts of killing my abuser and towards the end I slept with a knife under my side of the bed because I was worried about him killing me. As time progressed it was building to the point where I felt I would not survive the end of 2009. I had a dear friend advise me she could see that I wouldn't live much longer due to how volatile my situation was becoming.

I had to leave, though he reminded me I wouldn't have money, no health insurance, no place to live and that he would hunt me down.

I left the first time in 2007, staying on 2 separate incidents in Women's shelter. After the urging of my then mom-in-law to get back with him because he changed, I did.

In 2008, things were starting to go crazy again. By the end of 2008 I knew I had to go, Chatting with my Friend, Kristy Robinett, gave me courage to take steps to leave. I enlisted my family to help and they were more then willing to help!

I left for the final time in 2009.

During that time, there were deep cracks in the average joe facade that my abuser tried to keep. He hired a guy to follow me, take pictures of me and to report back his findings. All the while continuing to stalk me via the web, phone and in person.

I had protective order after protective order. All would be broken but nothing more then a slap on the wrist ever happened.

I found out in the summer months of 2009 he hired several men to kill me for money. He provided them with a camera, shovel and he wanted a few thousand dollars with more to be paid when the deed was done.

My Nephew came forward bravely to my abusers Sister, whom then let me know about it. I called the police. They investigated but found the men that were hired had shady pasts so they were not credible, therefore there was no case.

My Eldest Son attempted to set fire to my apartment and advised me he was going to kill me as I slept and he demanded I take him back to his dad.

I did. I was devastated. That was a deep blow to my heart. Any contact with him has been hostile towards me.

I suffered a few more physical attacks from my abuser towards the fall of 2009.

I felt lost.

The legal system didn't seem fair. It felt like I was the abuser and he was the victim.

We were finalized for our divorce in 2012. In 2013, my Daughter's partner advised that Jess had told him she was sodomized by her Father when she was young. Sadly, after contacting the police I found out that too much time had went by to press charges. Though it took every ounce of power not to go and just, I don't know beat him or just put a hole in his head.

I had a Protective Order placed last summer (2015) after he sent threatening emails, texts and voicemail's. All the while proclaiming his love for me. The sad thing is he was engaged to woman during this time. He said he would leave her in a second if I came back. I tried to reach out to this woman but never heard from her.

He did end up marrying her during the summer of 2015. I wish them the best. Any correspondence I have had with her has been one of someone in denial or that is perhaps she just can't see. I have heard from family and friends that maintains contact with them is that he treats her publicly just he did with me.

My last Protective Order expired this summer.

He still tries to bully and intimidate friends and family that maintain contact with me. Why does this not surprise me.

I originally started this blog as a way of healing my spirit. I felt broken. I had cried out to the Lord so many times for help and I felt like I was lost along the way.

I know now he never left my side. I'm still not sure what lessons I was to learn along the way, but I can say that my faith was strengthen.

I could have blamed God for the suffering my children endured or myself for that matter. I didn't.

We all have choices in life, sometimes the choices we make can build us up or break us down.

I was asked sometime ago if I would do it over again knowing what I know now. I still have to say yes. My life now is so very different! I have a will to keep living. I have a beautiful family and met oodles of people along this path that I wouldn't have known otherwise.

It's made me fall to my knees and ask for forgiveness for things I had down during my marriage. During my relationship with my abuser I only shared my situation with a handful of people. Today, I have over 100,000+ views of this blog. I am by no means gloating or dropping high fives about that fact.

It saddens me to know that others are still experiencing abuse. And humbles me that someone is actually reading my rantings.

So, Dear Blog reader, if you are in a abusive relationship please know you are not alone. Talk to a close Friend or reach out to a local Shelter or http://www.thehotline.org/ for help. I've been where you are and know there can be life after an abusive relationship. It's not easy to escape and staying safe for months or years to come can be hard. Don't let this discourage you! I want you to be free, happy and to be able to love yourself again!

Please look at my posts for Safety plan and Check list for leaving your abuser for suggestions to help you before you leave.

Stay safe and God bless

Mel

Love you always and forever

"Love you always and forever" 

I have seen these words again over the last few days. 

3 text messages. A few lines saying "Good morning my Ladies" or "Sweet dreams my Ladies" and then "Love you always and forever". It's not tell my girls or tell the girls Good night or Good morning or even tell the girls I love them... He says "my ladies" and "Always and forever".

Why does that creep me out? Why can't he let me go?

I thought I didn't leave the house because I love this wonderful place. OK, that is part of it. But deep down I don't want to bump into him. I don't want to take the chance. 

I am still jumpy. I still cringe and feel a panicky feeling when I see a vehicle that looks like his.

Let me go.

Me and the new Hubs (Terry)

Move on with your life. I want to enjoy this second chance of living a beautiful life. 

It's been over 3 years.

 I still miss my son. He's going to be 17 in a few weeks. I'm sure we are strangers to one another. I miss him terribly. I don't believe we can have a decent relationship until he is away from his dad. 

My daughter,Jess, threw me for a loop a few weeks ago by asking to maybe live with him for a month at a time. Or to see him without Supervised Parenting Time. I was blown away! I was not angry. I was hurt and confused. I didn't/don't understand. After all they have been through!

Alex and I were shaking our heads. I was definitely not inputting her reasoning. She talked to Terry and he helped her understand the reason why we don't talk to him unsupervised. And the importance of me avoiding any type of situation that could put us in harms way. Of course I can not afford to send them to the therapy they need because the "ex" is still behind in support. He has yet to file his income tax return and he complains to those around him that I haven't gotten the girls to therapy. I have to come up with 10% of the cost to send them. (not my idea and I really was ticked off when the Magistrate said I would have to) Since I have no job or prospects for one yet, I rely on the support for the girls medical bills, clothing, school books and fee's. He's a bit over $5,000 behind now. 

I don't understand why he has not been arrested. I have repeatedly asked my attorney why. And all he can tell me is that it is not worth putting him in jail. HUH?! Putting him in jail will not help get his support paid. It's such a little amount. HUH?! So, the man can keep getting paid cash at his job and not pay for his obligations and it's OK?! And he is still texting me even though the court said not to text or contact me unless it's an emergency or else. 

I don't get it. 

I'm at a loss. 

I know I'm caught in a cycle of healing. I know he is caught in a pattern of being a Narc, Gaslighter, Psychopath, Abuser, Violent, Mentally unstable... Whatever you want to label him. I have no intention on getting on that wild scary ride again. I don't miss crazy.

I'm desperate to move far away. To get away. To just put us all in the car and leave where I don't feel worried about the dark. I don't feel worried about going anywhere to run an errand. Where no one knows us or him. Where I can truly start over again and feel free. Oh, I know I have my decree and I'm free. I have been free physically for almost 4 years come Feb next year. But emotionally and mentally I'm held bound by memories and old fears.

Let me go...

Court update!

Court went better then expected! Of course everything still seemed up in the air. My STBX seemed upset that custody remains the same. He has trumped up charges of a death threat. I can not believe he is actually going to lie and have our son do the same! Falsifying any type of police reports or Protective Orders are punishable. On one hand I hope so! Serves him right! On the other hand my son is doing what he does because he longs for the love and approvale of a mad man. I mean that both literally and figurtively.

So, we are going to be assigned a Mediator! YEA! We both agree that we want to Finalize. BUT, the most humorous thing I heard was that he wants me to pay half of bills that HE LET GO! Such as the house that is repo'ed. SERIOUSLY! He let the house go because he did not want me to have it in the divorce. HMMM! He should have quite a pretty penny he is sitting on. He gets paid cash probably more then in the past. Just enough to squeak by from the Union Local 11. I have been told there is no way to prove it, no paper trails and no trace.

Of course he has money hidden, how else would you pay someone to stalk you and later kill you?

I have to say that I am still angry about my marriage. I do forgive, but I do not like the behavior. I do not like that he lies when he says he does not remember any of the abuse or being hostile. I'm sure he doesn't recall taking my car keys and cutting up my Drivers license and bank card so I would not leave the house. I'm sure he does not recall the allegations he threw at me about cheating with every Joe, Tom, Dick, Mary and Sally.

I'm being sarcastic! On the other hand I did get to see my son! And STBX says that M has been having more seizures and he has an appt for a neurologist in May. Please say a prayer for him! He said in court that he tried to reach me, but he couldn't reach me. WOW! He can email me! He can use M's phone to text me aggressively and he has my home phone. I smell a stinker! I keep remembering why I left that man! Thanks for the memories!

Reminds me...

Repost from 5/17/2009 My myspace blogs

Saw R today he was pounding on the window of the van, demanding that I put it down! Terry had reminded me to double check my windows and door locks, as everytime I see R he tries to get at me. So R is getting more upset, I worry because he offhandly mentioned he has a few sets of keys to the van. He may have said that just to see if I would panic. I did see him go for his keys and I think I actually saw the van key, but he flashed them so fast I am not sure if I actually saw it. The kids had the privilege of observing this outburst. Way to go R!

I found out on the way home that R yelled at M while he was over there. M said he was upset because his Dad was bad mouthing me. He wanted to call me but R wouldn't let him. I told M if he felt threatened he needed to call 911 next time.  He said he didn't feel threatened it just made him cry.

Oh that man! He is screwing it up all on his own. I know he didn't change, no way and no how. I feel bad but this is something the kids need to learn on they're own. They are old enough to find out for themselves, just in case they have forgotten they are in for a refresher course! Sounds terrible I know!

How many times did that man push me out of the car both while moving and not? He'd get mad at stupid things so many times. Didn't matter if it were hot or cold, "Get the *uck out!" You would have thought I would be used to it but no matter how many times did I feel my heart feel as though a knife had passed threw it? You feel this sick sinking feeling in your belly. Feeling that you let him down again for whatever.

I can remember him telling me on numerous times that if I left him no one would ever find my body. He said he would tell a group of men where I was and he would have them rape me repeatedly. After I was raped he said if they let me live after they then beat me he would rush in as the savior. I would never know when this would happen so I would need to watch out. He would tell me that he knew men at job sites that were unsavory and wouldn't mind taking a buck or a case of beer to do something.

I pictured that in my mind. Is he all talk? I don't know, I do know I can never let my guard down.

I grew to hate myself for many years not liking who I saw in the mirror, a coward, someone with a crooked smile, my glasses didn't sit right on my face (because of my funny ear), ugly, blah, blah, blah! I overheard someone close to me get called a "Stupid lazy Mexican" I thought of R, he would say that or something similar. Or he would say all Mexicans were lazy *uckers. I was nothing but a spic not even worth going down on him.
 I would get up some mornings hating myself. I hated the mirror, I hated to look anyone in the eye, I still struggle with this. I find myself looking down or away. I don't understand how anyone feels that I am attractive.

He would tell me that all men wanted just a lay. Don't look at them or talk to them. I grew paranoid that it's all men wanted so I didn't look. He would constantly accuse me of cheating tirelessly. I wasn't. I could have but did not sink to his level.

Updates on STBX and GAL!

This past week has caused me some great distress. I found myself shrinking into myself and being very emotional. For one the man that stalked me, took pictures and noted my whereabouts for my STBX, made a statement for the police. I can not really comment anymore about the investigation on the murder for hire. But to think there maybe some sort of actions or ramifications for this makes me both uneasy and relieved. My nightmares have came up again lately.

Last week there was an incident in which my son was out looking for J on her way home from school. He was spotted at A's school at the playground. About a half hour later STBX and my son, M drove past the apartment building. The phone rang and J answered it. I could hear her say, "Yes" and hang up. She had a puzzled look on her face while she explained the conversation she had with her brother. He just asked if Terry was home and hung up. Not even a minute later Terry and I checked out the windows, lo and behold STBX and M cruised by quickly. Terry went outside and he saw M walking up the back. M asked Terry if J was home. Terry said, "No" and M walked quickly away, almost running back to the front of the apartment building, heading south while dialing or texting on his phone.

We didn't hear another word via email or phone call. But I did get a text from M asking why I was still staying with Terry. And why I wasn't forthcoming about him holding us hostage. Which is not the case at all! M, claims he had a conversation with me at the laundry mat about me and the girls being held against our will. That is crazy!

Anyway, I now get an email from the GAL and he wants to come for a visit on Thursday. I can't help but wonder what this is about.

Happy Independence day to me!

It has been 2 years today that I gained my Independence from my abuser, (my spouse). Myself and my then 3 children (Then ages were M-13, J-10 and A-9).

The days before we left were filled with anticipation of starting again, hopes of being free and hope of never having to go through that ever again. The night before we left my stomach was all in knots! The kids and I had no idea if the plan to leave was actually going to happen because my STBX (Soon To Be Ex) did not know if he had work for sure, since he is construction and it was in Feb. the chances of him not having to go to work were very high!

I had told my Sister during the day prior that it looked promising but I would have to call her the minute he left in the morning. Somewhere around 4:30 or 5 in the morning. Weeks before my Sister and my Dad had moved somethings out of the house, favorite toys, books, dishes, pictures and so on. Things I did not believe he would notice. The funny thing was the weekend before STBX and I had a fight about things missing, he swore up and down I was missing clothes from the closet and my drawers. I did not move a stitch of clothing from the house until the day we left. So I just kept saying no, it was a honest answer!

This day 2 years ago was cool, about in the 40's outside, the sun was just rising when I made the call to my sister as soon as my husband left the driveway. He sensed something was up because he called more then usual and made comments that were very worrisome to me about coming back home! I kept the kids sleeping as long as I could, I had garbage bags ready to throw our clothes in, boxes that still needed to be filled with a few more items.

I began working all the time a cold sweat was all over me due to nerves! I woke the kids up about 6 and I gave them a job of putting their clothes in garbage bags. They did not give me too much trouble and they were all animated and pretty excited to go. While they were busy with that, I hurried myself with moving big furniture first, which was mainly my new bed, a futon that we had in our basement. It took me a few minutes to do so, as it would not go through the door as I pushed and pulled, scraping much of the wood as I did so. My heart felt as though it would burst out of my chest when my phone chirped or he would call.

He made a comment about me being out of breath, of course at that time I did exercise so I brushed it off as just working out.

Long story short, it took about 4 more hours to get everything back and forth. I cried on the way to my new home. Filled with anxiety of beginning again, relief that I was never going to look back and apprehension if what I was doing was right. I questioned myself until that night when my STBX showed up at the door with tears running down his face. My Sister called the police just in case and he said his good nights to the kids and left. I would like to say all ended peacefully but flash forward and many death threats later, we are still not divorced. I found a job as a legal secretary/receptionist, I managed to find an apartment a few months down the road back in Indiana. I had to drop off my now 15 year old son at his Dad's because of the brainwashing my STBX did on him. My son started a fire in my apartment and threatened to kill me in my sleep if I did not take him back to his Dad's. I found out later that my STBX hired someone to "Take care of me" for $5,000.00. He still wants to get back together...

My next court date is in June, my attorney was not the greatest and my quickie 90 day divorce is now in it's second year. I have a Order of Protection of which my STBX violated many times but the charge that stuck was a harassing phone call last July. He had to go to court but it has been continued 3 times since then and I am sure it will be dismissed in June when the next hearing is.

My STBX claims I made many things up, that I am unfit, that I had an affair for over 2 years, and that I am the one that abused him continually as well as abusing our children. A Guardian Ad Litem was introduced a year and a half ago, supervised visits are allowed for my STBX and the girls. I have not seen my son since he assaulted Terry in November of 2009 at the court house. Which apparently my son wanted to kill Terry. The altercation was orchestrated by my STBX, and seen by Lake County sheriff's that were on duty a the time. No charges were filed against my son by Terry. And despite the L. C. sheriff stating they would file charges nothing happened.

In November my son went to jail for the first time, (hopefully the last) for assaulting a student and teacher. My STBX claims that my son saw rage while thinking the teacher was me and he pushed her. R has many tricks to not take any blame in this situation or any issues with our marriage. I know now that is part of the Abuser's thinking.

I could go on and on! I am in a better place, I went back to school for Medical Assisting, (still looking for work) I gained a friend and wonderful loving companion. As well as a new bouncing baby boy that is the apple of our eyes! I found a love that I never knew existed! I did not plan for that! God has a way of planning a future I could never dreamed of! I thank and praise God for getting us out. Though my son is not with us, I do still pray for a day when we will be able to talk. I miss him terribly! I hope his father is treating him well. I am sad that I can not trust that we will be safe if we meet my son right now.

I am thrilled I am no longer a statistic! I am a Survivor, an Overcomer and loved by the Creator! As I think about the future right now, I know Terry and I have no jobs, but we have each other. We have a great love for one another and for God that He will provide and get us through!

A 2010 study by the National Network to End Domestic Violence, one woman is victimized by a intimate partner every 28.2 seconds. These statistics indicate that more than 3 million women are abused in the United States every year. Just as many children are affected by violence as well. Many of these women are lucky to leave their abusers safely, but if you read or hear the headlines there are women that are killed, murdered by the one they love. Love does not hurt!

Tactics used by the Abusers to stay include:

Stating negative comments, such as:
You won't make it without me!
If you leave I will kill you!
If you leave I will kill the kids!
If you leave you will never see the kids again!
If you leave you will never get a penny!
No one will ever want you!
You will never amount to anything!
Your too stupid, dumb, etc...
You will only be good on your back, knees and so on...

The Abusers promise to change, such as:
Honey, I am so sorry! I will never do it again!
I didn't mean it! Could you forgive me?
If you don't leave I will change!
I will get help I promise!
I need you!
I can't live without you!
You know what you mean to me!
We have been together for... long, Baby don't throw it away!
I don't want to be alone!
Help me get help!
I will stop drugs, drinking or whatever...
I will take my meds! Or get back on my meds!

The list goes on and on. The cycle then repeats, the chances of your partner changing are slim. It can happen but in most cases they don't.  The decision to leave is yours, will it be with a suitcase or with the Coroner? No one can tell you when to leave, everyone has their own limits or rock bottom. But I can tell you that in most cases it will not get better, that your children are seeing the abuse. Studies show that YOUR children are likely to repeat the past...

You are capable of great things! You are wonderful and beautiful! Remember that old 70's sign, (I'm dating myself) God doesn't make junk!

Locate your local Shelter, don't be silent any longer! You can do it! I won't lie and say it is easy. And I did not go looking to fall in love after I left my spouse. Many times women fall for a great guy after but he ends up like the last loser! Distance yourself from men like your Ex. Be on your own, fall in love with your children and yourself again. Remember to call on the Lord to help in times of need, He helped me with my walk and picked me up many times. Even when I stumble He has lifted me up.

If you need to talk, email me privately. I do not share your information with anyone or this blog. I will try to listen and help you anyway I can!

Symptoms of abuse

As I read through this list, amongst the many others I have read over the past year, they are all the same. Control is what your abuser seeks. He/She thrives on it! A low self-esteem seem to be a norm as well.

Personally I didn't realize it while living through this. It all seemed "Normal". I questioned things from time to time in my head and wondered if this is how other families and couples were. I did feel some envy at those that seemed to have it together, even if they had some bumps in the road they seem happy. I had longed for that. I longed for someone that would take me for me! Not to belittle me, put the kids down and someone wanted a strong family that was built with love, trust and honesty. I wanted a marriage and a helpmate. Someone I could walk side by side with. Someone that would lift my spirits and be my friend.

Our marriage was like a ticking bomb waiting to go off. The tension day to day was so intense! My hair would fall out due to the stress, my stomach hurt all the time ( I was popping antacids like candy), I was tired (due to him making sure I stayed awake until he was asleep first! He was a light sleeper another blog story for another time!)
I seemed to be sick all the time, the month before we left I hadn't been able to relieve myself of solid bodily fluids due to the stress. I was jumpy all the time!

I didn't recognize many of the signs early on. Once we left I had an "Ah-Ha! Moment." I have made a slow recovery, I was told it maybe years and years or never before I work through my issues, the same with the kids.

For awhile I felt foolish, how could I have let someone do the things he did? How did I allow myself to stay with the kids that long? Why did I endure it for that long? These questions plagued me for a bit. I am realizing there was more to it. There are the mind games, even once I was out of the house there are still mind games. There are threats of him "Telling" on me or threats to kill the kids or me or all of us! In my case my STBX has mental illiness that has been attributed to his abuse. No matter! If it is drugs, alcohol, mental illiness or just because there is no excuse! Abuse in any case is abuse.

Getting out before it was too late was the best thing I ever did. There were continued death threats as well information that my STBX attempted to hire someone to kill me as well as hiring someone to take pictures and follow me. Driving by my home and place of work is something that is being done. I have made numerous phone calls to the police as well as my Atty about these matters. While heis/was under investigation for Soliciting and Conspiracy to commit murder I still worry. I worry more about the fact that sadly my son made a choice to return to his father. And as a result my son will no longer speak to me orhave any contact with me at all.

A relative of STBX made the comment that if I hadn't gotten out when I did they were sure I would have been dead by the end of the year. Though they kept their mouths quiet and shared my secret about the abuse they firmly believe thatwould have been the case.

Seek someone out that you can trust! A relative or friend or perhaps a law enforcement official. Confide in them,ask if you can give them important papers to hold onto or maybe to use as a contact or a safe place to stay if need be.Women shelters are a wonderful avenue to use! There are many women in the same boat! No one can tell you when to leave only you will know when that will be. But don't make excuses, no money, no where to go, no car, no job... I stayed for these reasons plus a hand full of others. But they were just excuses and not a good enough reason not to save my children and myself from further harm! If you don't do this for you then do it for your children before it's too late.
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Symptoms: Indicators of Abusive Relationships

Using Emotional Abuse

Putting you down
Making you feel bad about yourself
Calling you names
Implying that you are crazy
Playing mind games
Using guilt as a weapon of control
Using humiliation

Using Privilege

Treating you like a servant
Making all decisions for the family or couple
Acting like an owner or master
Being the one to define and enforce roles
Expecting you to obey like a child

Using Coercion and Threats

Making or carrying out threats
Threatening to leave
Threating to harm themself if you leave
Threatening to hurt other family members or pets if you leave
Threatening to report you to police, child welfare, etc. to control you
Threatening to file false charges against you
Using threats to get you to drop charges
Threatening to expose a secret

Using Intimidation

Making you afraid - looks, gestures, actions
Smashing things
Abusing pets
Displaying weapons
Threatening to expose a secret

Using the Children

Using the children to relay messages
Using visitation to harass you
Threatening to take the children
Threatening to harm the children

Using Isolation

Controlling what you do
Controlling who you see or talk to
Limiting your outside involvement
Not letting you work
Not letting you receive an education
Using jealousy to justify actions against you
Destroying your support system

Minimizing, Denying and Blaming

Making light of the abuse
Saying abusive behavior was not abusive
Shifting the responsibility for the behavior to you

Trying to find peace during the turbulance

It's a little after 8 am. I tossed and turned all night. My stomach is tied up in knots and is queasy. I feel defeated in many ways. Why? Over the past 3 days I have been going back and forth with the Guardian ad Litem about my marriage and our children.  He called for a meeting between my STBX and myself later this week. A meeting that I turned down last night after talking with a close friend, who was astounded the GAL would seem to be nonchalant and so casual about this meeting despite my Order of Protection.

Background:

I filed for divorce from my marriage of 17 years. These 17 years were filled with anxiety, mental/verbal and physical abuse. Ask family members and they will tell you they knew something was going on. Close family saw the scars or heard first hand from the kids about things that went on under our roof.

Several events led up to my leaving for the 3rd and last time. I had no regrets, I tried in vain to keep it going. I couldn't do it. I was losing my hair, I had a baby ulcer starting, my family physican took me aside on several occassions to ask what was wrong. Though I said nothing, I am not a good liar.

My STBX made it clear early on that he would not stop until I was left with nothing. No custody of the kids, nothing from the house, nothing. It's all he said, she said now. All the bruises, all the shouting we endured, and all the name calling, all the bad memories from my marriage are now he said/she said. I have no proof but 1 picture I have my sister in law took back in 2007. I have one affidavit from a family member that my STBX planned to kill me. My STBX's response now? If I was going to hurt her I would have done that already?

SERIOUSLY?!

I told my attorney I want nothing but these things, most of which was destroyed or sold by STBX. Some of the items were things that were taken from my then safe place at my sister's place. I had planned on moving and STBX had taken it upon himself to help himself to my clothes, books, cd's, and a handful of jewelry.
My attorney said no you need to ask for more, take his pension, doesn't he have a savings? What about the house?

I wanted OUT! I did not want the house! I did not want his pension or savings! I had a list of 20 odd things or so, including the other items taken. That's it! I even left my wedding band when I left. I didn't keep them.
I want a divorce that's all. I want to be left alone from this man, who continues to remind me that he is my "Your husband". I could go on and on. I have enough emails from my STBX and sadly my son that are rude, scary, and mentally unstable.

I lost my attorney due to his leaving and since I lost my job I could not pay him. Though in my Provisionaly Order my STBX is supposed to pay, that's a laugh. It didn't happen. I knew it wouldn't.

I agree there are 2 sides to a story. I wish more then a amicable divorce but, STBX was labeled off the record, sadly was Psychotic, Depressed, Manic, Intermitten Explosive disorder, Borderline Personality, Anxiety and a few more things.

Of course it doesn't seem to matter now. I may lose custody of my girls or they may have over nights with him and their brother. I am all for them healing and seeing one another, IF my STBX was mentally stable and he is not. I emailed a handful of relatives in hopes of getting some insight, also perhaps they could share their experiences on paper and also give me a character witness.

The girls, they are happy here. Do they miss their Dad and brother? In some ways, they just don't want to be hit, called names or have to clean the house. Oh the last one is funny right? No it's not, my STBX has a warped sense of house cleaning, the girls will be maids. Not my words, my oldest daughter said so. I relish the idea of my STBX stepping up and being a good father to them. I pray for that! I have no problem with them seeing them, IF they were safe.

I pray for a good end to this mess.
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** I had asked the GAL if I was incorrect in stating there is nothing we can do about finalizing the divorce until our June 15th court date. I have pasted his response down below, but you have to understand we have been emailing over 20 emails back and forth for the past few days. My silence is making it sound as if I am not compliant. I livid in many ways at the tone of this, feeling as though I am getting my hand slapped. I want nothing more then a divorce and some harmony, but again my STBX is unstable and very good at making himself appear smooth and cunning. Custody of girls is what I want. I don't listen to calls either. STBX walked out of calender planning because if he could not see girls his way he did not want to see them. I could go on and on...**

You are correct!!!  The next hearing is June 15, 2011. But nothing will happen on that day if you and *** do not have an agreement on some things St least.  So I will spell out for you both the basic issues concerning the case:
1.  Is your marriage irretrievably broken?? If yes, your marriage can be dissolved. My guess is that the answer is yes. Then, why should the two of you wait until June 2011. The fact that you are still married seems to me to be a "bone in everyones side". There is no finality On this issue.
2.  Your recent child is not ***'s according to your joint admission
That fact needs go be spelled out in the decree. Again , there is no disagreement on this point.  You both agree. Why put that off
3.  There is the question of who will have custody of the three children
Born of your marriage.  The only scenario that is workable from my viewpoint is that son stays with Dad. That us where he has been   That is what he wants !
There is little likelyhood that he wants to move in with you. He is Angry. The two girls wanted to be with you.  I have not heard from them at all.  Do either of you know if they have changed their mind?
If not them that question is resolved!
4.  Everyone seems to wants to do more analysis concerning what is best fir   I suspect there have been some frustrations since April but how has son done ?
In school?  Would he have done better with Melinda?  No one knows?  One thing is certain
He is bitter and angry St Melinda!
Just read his emails recently. So, what do you both want to do?  Subject him to further uncertainty or give him some stability in that he would know that he willReside with his dad. That is what he clearly wants
5.  If he lives with dad then dad will responsible for his medical Nd mental health. I am talking about who he would see and when not who would pay.  There is no way thatthe two of thou could ever be involved in joint legal custody of son. One personsould have sole physical custody and make all of the health care decisions.  As it relates to son that person should Be dad. Remember, son can tell the magistrate who he wants to live with. Do either if you really doubt what he will say ad to who he wNts to live with??  If not then why are you  putting off this decision on his custody??
6. Regarding when and if son will visit with Melinda leave that up to him. Right now he is bitter and frustrated. He does not want to  visit with you Melinda because he believes that you are doing things to hurt his dad. Well, you two are still married and he is upset with your new relationship. I believe that if you were divorced it might be less upsetting. There would be finality. You would no longer be married. Over half if the marriages end in divorce. This is not uncommon.
7.  Apparently the two of you will Never be able to sit down and discuss your children and their problems. But do not use them as messengers nor sounding boards as to why each of you is bothering the other.  Let dad be responsible for son and Melinda be responsible for the two girls.  Is this not the way that they will orient as they reach and go thru puberty And adolescence ?? Do not try to buck what occurs in the developmental stage.
8. Son did not want to be told that he had to visit melinda!!!  The girls wanted to visit their dad
9. Is it either of your opinion that Dad will physically or mentally
Hurt or abuse son or the two girls?? Is it either of your opinions that Melinda will physically or mentally abuse sonor the two girls?  If not the let the children reside where they told  me they Wanted to live!!!
10.  The kids want to communicate with each other. Since son does not want to visit or see Melinda that visitation would have to  of you be at Dad   And let them talk On the phone!
11.  The two of you need to end the marriage. Move on. You cannot communicate so  why put off the inevitable. By procrastinating and waiting and hoping for someone else to decide what to do, you
Need to do it yourself
12.  Child supportcause will be a mathematical computation.  Dad
Would have Son and Melinda the two girls. Because Sonwill not visit with Melinda she would get no credit for overnites. Dad would get this credit since I am assuming that the girls would overnight at Dads house if for no other reason than they would like to see their brother. At their present ages they are more interested in their siblings. But girls find it easier to discuss crrtAin things with their mother and the same applies to boys and their fathers !!!
13.  What I am saying now is what your kids told me a while ago!!
No....based upon sons e mails to me I do think the core subject of what bothers him has changed. He feels that you melinda are out to destroy his dad. He hears this sentiment from someone.. He does not like it and therefore he doesnot like you!!  There is nothing  that could be done to change this other that total reconciliation.  I do not see that happening and in reality neither do the two of you.  The birth of the baby while you two were married is harder for a male to accept. I would offer a guess that the girls have less problem with the birth and child. This us their motherly instinct in it's formative stage. But for a male to be upstaged by a male while the marriage  still intact is tough for a male to deal with!!  Melinda..he is not old enough to see it as anything other than a slap in the face if his dad!!he does not comprehend your lack of any feeling toward his dad..  In reality He would like the two of you to be a family. He doesnot plume this uncommon situation.  It bothers him!!
14.  So what else is there to service??  Only who gets what property and who takes what debt?  I have no advice nor will I offer An opinion on that split??
15.  Without lawyers to lead the way you will spin your wheels and accomplish nothing before June 11 other than to aggravate each other, excite your children over the uncertainty.  My dad always said that you have two choices in any situation:  do something or do nothing. You jointly control you fate.
16.  Each of you wants someone else to get the other to solve you mutual problem rather than solving it yourself.
17. No I cannot cancel the fear of dad that Melinda puts on the table nor can I counter dads argument that melinda is trying to destroy him.
18.  I put forth my observations
From the standpoint of your children. They want stability. They do nit have it ad long as thus divorce remains unsettled. This thing can drag on for ever!!  You can wait 6 months to have a pretrial and another year for any more a trial date. If you want to end this then agree on something.  Do not let this marriage and it's termination fester   any more.

I started all over!

I left my Abuser on 2/28/2009, it almost Independence day for me next month! To a certain degree, sadly I will have to remain in contact with our Abuser (the girls and I) until they are of age. According to the court system if I sway from any visitations or phone contact between them and their father I could get in serious trouble. As frustrating as it is, our court's are clogged with separated and divorcing relationships which hardens many of the officials that they do not seem to care, in my opinion. I have met some wonderful women over the past few years that are/were victims of DV. Some cases far worse then my own, stories with sexual abuse of children or physical abuse so bad they ended up close to death in a hospital.

BUT! In talking with several officials off the record a person can not be perscuted for bad parenting alone or because the guy was a total schmuck. Sadly for something drastic to be done an assault landing one in the hospital or worse must take place.

I have an Order of Protection, but it is worth is as much as the paper it is printed on. A local police official explained to me that unless I was found in a bad way there is really nothing they can do. I had countless emails, text messages, voicemails about threats of further violence to me and later my significant other. 2 men were solicited to kill me, video taped and pictures were to be taken of my body after the deed was to be done. I do have one written affidavit with this fact but the other man was afraid to come forward. So my Abuser remains on the street. Sadly I had to leave my son in his care because of the brainwashing my spouse hammered into him in summer of 2009. My son set a fire in my closet in my apartment and brought 4 knives to kill me with while I was sleeping, he admitted to me as I drove him to his Dad's.

Now I have not seen my son since a attack that took place at the court house in November 2009 between my son and my significant other.

I recieve nasty death threats from my son now. My heart was broke! I could not safely take him in due to his threats. And at his age, 15 years old, I am unsure if our relationship will ever be repaired.

About 3 weeks after I left my Abuser I looked up several old friends and after confering with my sister, I decided to kick up my heels and just go out for a night to relax. That is when I got in touch with Terry. He had been a Consigner in the Antique shop I ran with my spouse. There was never nothing between us prior to this meeting. On more then one occassion Terry had found me teared up about my spouse and he told me, lose the guy and I will buy you a celebratory drink. I of course at the time was not thinking of that. But about 5 months later I took him up on that.

He and I were pea's in a pod since! We have a beautiful baby boy together and reside cautiously about 6 blocks from our Abuser. Getting into a relationship was futherest from my mind at the time. And at the shelter they warn against getting into a relationship due to you repeating the cycle with similar persons. I agree and can see why. I truely believe our relationship is rare. Of course there are problems because the element that I was cheating during my marriage has came into play. The babys paternity is also on the board and we need to get a test before our next court date, despite my spouse being vocal that it is not his. (My spouse had a vasectomy after our youngest was born 11 years ago)

Oh I can go on and on...