Love you always and forever

"Love you always and forever" 

I have seen these words again over the last few days. 

3 text messages. A few lines saying "Good morning my Ladies" or "Sweet dreams my Ladies" and then "Love you always and forever". It's not tell my girls or tell the girls Good night or Good morning or even tell the girls I love them... He says "my ladies" and "Always and forever".

Why does that creep me out? Why can't he let me go?

I thought I didn't leave the house because I love this wonderful place. OK, that is part of it. But deep down I don't want to bump into him. I don't want to take the chance. 

I am still jumpy. I still cringe and feel a panicky feeling when I see a vehicle that looks like his.

Let me go.

Me and the new Hubs (Terry)

Move on with your life. I want to enjoy this second chance of living a beautiful life. 

It's been over 3 years.

 I still miss my son. He's going to be 17 in a few weeks. I'm sure we are strangers to one another. I miss him terribly. I don't believe we can have a decent relationship until he is away from his dad. 

My daughter,Jess, threw me for a loop a few weeks ago by asking to maybe live with him for a month at a time. Or to see him without Supervised Parenting Time. I was blown away! I was not angry. I was hurt and confused. I didn't/don't understand. After all they have been through!

Alex and I were shaking our heads. I was definitely not inputting her reasoning. She talked to Terry and he helped her understand the reason why we don't talk to him unsupervised. And the importance of me avoiding any type of situation that could put us in harms way. Of course I can not afford to send them to the therapy they need because the "ex" is still behind in support. He has yet to file his income tax return and he complains to those around him that I haven't gotten the girls to therapy. I have to come up with 10% of the cost to send them. (not my idea and I really was ticked off when the Magistrate said I would have to) Since I have no job or prospects for one yet, I rely on the support for the girls medical bills, clothing, school books and fee's. He's a bit over $5,000 behind now. 

I don't understand why he has not been arrested. I have repeatedly asked my attorney why. And all he can tell me is that it is not worth putting him in jail. HUH?! Putting him in jail will not help get his support paid. It's such a little amount. HUH?! So, the man can keep getting paid cash at his job and not pay for his obligations and it's OK?! And he is still texting me even though the court said not to text or contact me unless it's an emergency or else. 

I don't get it. 

I'm at a loss. 

I know I'm caught in a cycle of healing. I know he is caught in a pattern of being a Narc, Gaslighter, Psychopath, Abuser, Violent, Mentally unstable... Whatever you want to label him. I have no intention on getting on that wild scary ride again. I don't miss crazy.

I'm desperate to move far away. To get away. To just put us all in the car and leave where I don't feel worried about the dark. I don't feel worried about going anywhere to run an errand. Where no one knows us or him. Where I can truly start over again and feel free. Oh, I know I have my decree and I'm free. I have been free physically for almost 4 years come Feb next year. But emotionally and mentally I'm held bound by memories and old fears.

Let me go...