Using the "Grey Rock Method" to deal with a toxic person

So what is the Grey Rock Method? 

It was first mentioned by a blogger named Skylar who wrote an article on 180rule.com. In 2009 after leaving a relationship she poured out her story to a stranger. After she shared he told her that he was a malignant narcissist. He then told her what he did to his girlfriend when he experienced something similar. The idea is that your responses are as exciting as a dull rock. This doesn't attract attention and blends in with your surroundings.

With a toxic person, you are a shiny trinket to them. Like a cat playing with a Christmas, they enjoy batting around those ornaments. With the abuser, you are that ornament! They want what you have. Your tears, your reactions, screams, or when you throw things this gives your abuser fuel. Don't give them what they want that is your energy. They crave your reactions. In a sense, they are addicted to drama and you may notice it seems like an endless cycle of problems or issues with people or make otherwise simple situations escalate into something big.

With the Grey Rock method, you become that rock. You channel boring, non-nonchalant, or canned responses. Now, this may not be a long-term fix for you or your situation.

When possible go “No contact” keep a paper trail, do your correspondence in writing instead of face-to-face. Having a history or documentation of your situation is important.

It may be practical to go no contact. If you have to have contact because children together, or you have a job where there is a toxic person or holiday gatherings with toxic family members try using this method. Let's dive in!

When you do this method you are in going to use responses that are not engaging. You will keep your end of the conversation to being brief and a matter of fact, using a simple- Yes, No, Meh!, Eh?!

Use little to no emotion when responding. Maybe they ask how your weekend went, you can reply, “It was fine”, or if they ask

Don't feed their drama! This can be addictive to them but to you as well!

Don't give out personal details about your life or things going on with you.

Keep it as impersonal as possible.

Keep busy during these interactions. Don't stop what you are doing!

Step back and observe the behavior of your abuser rather than let them push your buttons.

Put emotional distance between you and this person. It can be hard especially if you have deep feelings.

Don't tell the person this is what you are doing.

You may want to pace yourself so they don't catch on Remember this is temporary.

If this is between friends, family, or workplace consider finding an exit strategy that may include physically leaving the situation, holiday gathering, or the relationship.

In a sense, you are manipulating the situation and disconnecting yourself as well as those emotions that you may need to deal with to start healing.

Focusing less on the drama from your relationship and more on yourself so you can learn your triggers and more about your wants and needs.

Avoid bringing up the past! Bringing up past wounds can spark an argument. Don't take the bait!

What is the Yellow Rock Method?

You are using the Grey Rock method but adding; Please, Thank you! Or “Hello!

This person is going to paint you in a bad light. Let it go! Shrug and walk away.

The ultimate answer for this is to leave. This may require lots of thought prayer and planning. If you need help with don't hesitate to message me privately. Know you are not alone on this journey. I'm cheering you on!

Someone out there needs to know they are not alone and that they can survive. Perhaps you are a parent or friend of someone trapped in an abusive relationship and need to know how to help. My goal is to share awareness, offer empowerment, and educate others about emotional traumas and domestic abuse. Here I will share my story and also stories of courage and healing from Survivors, Coaches, to Therapists/Counselors.

You can find my books and my Journals here- https://www.amazon.com/Melinda-Kunst/e/B0788SWSB1

Find me on Facebook here- www.facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone

The Survivors Cafe on Facebook is a private community for women- https://www.facebook.com/groups/724081331311924

Find help and info here- https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.domesticshelters.org/

https://internationalwomenshouse.org/get-help

https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/national-global-organizations

Sexual Assault Hotline- https://www.rainn.org/

National Suicide Prevention- Lifeline-800-273-8255

Sending you lots of love and BIG HUGS! Mel

Did I mention I started a podcast?! I did! Find this here-

Hope when there was none Podcast

What is Trauma Bonding?

A victim may feel powerless to leave. They make you feel empathy for them. They may even feel they can't live without this person. 

This can also be called, “Stockholm Syndrome” in an abusive relationship. It can be formed quickly and last even after a relationship has been severed. (Find the video for this here- What is Trauma Bonding?)

There can be times of love, tenderness, and then cruelty. The victim can have a paralyzing fear and feel helpless. The abuser isolates the victim slowly convincing them that they are the only one they can trust or they are the only one they can trust. This can make “no contact orders” hard to keep. Victims may no longer trust their instincts.

There can be a “Honeymoon stage” of a happy relationship, then a build-up of things that “go wrong” which can explode into jealousy, rage, bitterness, and then apologies from the abuser. With the cycle starting all over again.

You may create coping skills to deal with your situation. Your identity, self-worth, and your own needs may get lost during this relationship.

The abuser may attempt to control or mold the

victim, they may showering them with gifts, a hug, promising to listen to the victims concerns or to reward the victim because they did as they were told.

Can use sex as a punishment, could be highly addicted to sexual or does not respect No means no!

How do you know if you are in a Trauma bonded relationship?

You can feel powerless or stuck but try to make the best of your situation.

There are times when you don't love/like or want to be with the abuser but don't feel that you can leave.

You may feel that you don't deserve better, no one will want you, feel inferior, you may begin self-destructive behavior, prostitution (With the belief that's all your good for), self-harm, or that you somehow should be punished or mistreated by a person.

You may promise you won't do whatever it was that set the abuser off.

You may rationalize that your partner isn't always this way. Or they are only this way when they drink, use drugs, have little to no money, or if they hang out with certain people.

You may feel you can change the person, or if you have a baby things will change, if you get married things will change, or if you get a better job you won't argue about money.

You overlook the bad in the person because of all the “good” they do. For example, they help or are active in church or the community.

Your family or friends have confided they believe you need to break it off with this person but, you defend the relationship.

You physically feel sick thinking about leaving or that you may die if you leave. That you can't live without them.

The other person lets you down or doesn't support your dreams, thoughts, or ideas. Toxic people threaten to sue or to change custody or child support if you don't comply or listen to whatever is irking them at that moment.

Can you heal from this toxic relationship? Yes, you can! How?

1. Go no contact! This may mean you have another person check messages or voice mail messages. If you have to co-parent drop off and pick-up children in a public spot. Don't engage your abuser! If this doesn't work stick to the facts ignore heated words or exchanges. Don't respond! Abusers don't listen to boundaries so it is up to you to make sure you protect yourself by stopping harassing or abusive messages.

2. Be careful during family get-togethers, school, or holiday gatherings. Even if your children or family want you to make an appearance explain the best you can and try to avoid the situation if at all possible.

3. Let your boss, school, or medical staff know what is going on. Your abuser may try to get you fired from your place of employment, paint you as the aggressor, lie about things that happened between the two of you or worse.

4. It can be hard not to let your mind and heart wander to the past. But, remember a healthy relationship doesn't make you feel unworthy or belittled. Consider jotting down the reasons you left your relationship and look it over anytime you feel like going back.

5. Start trusting your instincts again! If you feel off about a person or situation trust yourself to take things cautiously. If you are starting a new romance or relationship don't leave your children or furbabies alone with this person until you can truly feel that you trust them. It may take time for this to happen and trust the instincts of your children and or if your pet doesn't like this person. Introduce this new person slowly.

6. Slowly rebuild your life again. This may mean you move to an entirely new place, let go of old friends or family, find a new job. Take every day with small steps. What did you want to be when you “grew up”? What are your favorite hobbies? What have you always wanted to do? Or where did you always want to go? Join a health club, or start walking. Exercise is helpful when you are healing. It sends good vibes to your body and can increase good endorphins to your brain and the rest of you! This is a great stress reliever! You don't have to sign up for a marathon or hot Yoga. Start slow!

7. Start journaling your thoughts and feelings, let the tears flow, cry or scream if you need to. You don't have to keep this you can tear it up or save it to use for legal purposes. When you are going through a traumatic relationship you may forget things. This is our bodies why of protecting us! It's normal and natural. Don't be hard on yourself for not remembering things.

8. Talk to a supportive friend or counselor about your past. Learn new patterns to help you overcome any issues with trust, boundaries, taking steps to heal, or coping skills to help with PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, or other health issues.

9. Listen to uplifting and positive music, podcasts, reading good books, or movies. Do some soul work with digging into your Bible/Torah/etc... Do affirmations, mirror work, grounding, or meditation.

10. Believe in yourself! Don't be surprised if after time health problems lessen or go away!

One last thing how do you know what's a healthy relationship?

Someone that says, “I understand.” or “I hear your concerns, I love you.” (No strings attached) and the words align with actions, there is mutual trust, has boundaries and respects yours, no hidden agenda, open communication gives partners time to grow, heal and evolve.

I hope these help! Don't hesitate to message me privately if you need to talk. 

Stay safe and BIG HUGS!

Mel

Nightmares & Narcissists

Will the dreams and nightmares about my ex stop?!

You left your abuser and now your dreaming about him/her. It may feel like you are still being held captive. When do they stop? Why does it feel like I'm obsessed or have separation anxiety from this person?

The duration of dreaming about your ex can depend on how long you are away from this person. Take the amount of time you were with this person and divide it in half. This will be the “magic” number that will be the amount of time you notice you have made progress on your healing journey.

You are probably frustrated by this. I know I was! How can you break free from these? It can be challenging to start reprogramming your mind to see your bad dreams as a tool to heal and change this into a good thing instead. You can do it!

Know that you are safe! This person can't hurt you anymore. You may feel victimized all over again subconsciously. Stop giving this person space in your mind. The feelings of being unworthy, that your useless, everything is your fault, etc... You may go through nightmare spurts. One day you have them and then the next day you don't!
Dreaming allows us to face our abusers head-on. We can safely explore situations we went through as scary as they may have been for you.

If you sit down and think about why you are having these dreams you may be surprised. It could be you were randomly talking about this toxic person earlier in the day with someone. You could have heard a song, saw an item, went past their house, had a message from them, are you up against a deadline, or something else that reminded you subconsciously.

While you are sleeping your brain may be trying to help you or tell you something by replaying a memory or situation.

How can you start to flip the switch?

1) What unresolved hurts do you have? Those bottled up memories can trigger a bad dream. Getting things down on paper or sharing these with a counselor/therapist/friend can be very helpful!

2) Change the voice of your abuser. Replaying these experiences can be terrifying for you but let's pretend you're watching a movie of a memory between you and that person who hurt you. Change the voice to that person. Make it a cartoon voice or really high and squeaky. Kind of like a chipmunk. Does it make you giggle a little? Going forward every time you think of this person I want you to remember this cartoon voice even in real life. This can help you start to see this person in a different perspective. Most of the talk coming from their mouths is ridiculous. Even if they are trying to bring you down I want you to remember this voice.

3) Before you go to bed begin a practice of watching or reading something positive. Don't binge The Walking Dead, watch the news, or consider putting down your phone. Feed your mind something good. If you have to watch a show make it light-hearted. America's funniest home videos, funny animal videos, listen to the Bible on YouTube, find positive affirmations or Bible verses, or record your own to play as you fall asleep. Color, go for a walk or listen to soothing music. Find a hobby that you enjoy to get this person out of your head. Fill your mind with positives and things that make you happy and if you don't know what makes you happy now is a great time to learn.

All of this does take time. I encourage you to give yourself this time to get to know you. To better understand your reactions to a certain situation and how you can reprogram yourself to react in a way that shows you aren't going to be a victim any longer.

Stay safe!
BIG HUGS,
Mel

Red flags you should look for in any relationship

Are there warning signs you should be on the lookout for in a relationship? You betcha! Here are a few to keep watch for! This applies to any type of relationship! Not just with an intimate partner. Honestly, I wish I would have known these were a thing. What I know now... I'm sure you feel the same way! So here are some things to look out for. 

1) Is there a history of violence?

2) May have a mysterious reason why they don't like people.

3) Wants to get serious real quick.

4) Is this person overly possessive and jealous?

5) Begins isolating you from family and friends.

6) Doesn't listen to you or your opinions.

7) Bossy and inconsiderate.

8) Dictates where you go, what you wear, and what you enjoy.

9) Monitors your calls, texts, and/or social media.

10) Blames you for all their issues even if you had no part in whatever the situation.

11) Puts on a display of affection and caring for others but behind closed doors talks poorly about them behind their back.

12) Makes fun of you.

13) Manipulative.

14) Ignores your boundaries.

15) Doesn't include you with friends or family outings or gatherings.

Of course, the HUGE red flag is if the person uses intimidation, threats, demeans you, or violence against you.

These are just some of the red flags that are out there. I've included the video that you can also listen to. If you need to talk don't hesitate to message me or find me on FB at https://www.facebook.com/melinda.kunst.58. Stay safe! 

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Part 2 Tips for coping with loneliness after a toxic relationship

I'm back to share some other ideas for beating loneliness. 

Reach out to support groups in your local area- shelters or church groups. These don't necessarily need to be related to abuse recovery. If you can't get out to do so find a group virtually!

What are hobbies that you enjoyed in the past? What are things you like to do or have always wanted to do? What were you not allowed to do in the past?

Can you have a pet at your new residence? Pets can give you unconditional love, fill a void when you feel lonely, and be a good companion!

Have you thought about writing your story? Now is a good time to write that story, write a letter to that toxic person, or at least get past experiences on paper for legal purposes but also to help you heal. What have you been holding onto? What are your fears? List the good, the bad, and ugly. Don't judge yourself. Just write! If you are typing this out I know it's tempting to hit the delete button but don't! I encourage you to handwrite your thoughts. 

If you don't wish to keep these writings down burn them! Burning these can be very therapeutic. Burn this letter in a fire-safe vessel or in a safe place.

Remember your past, those negative emotions/thoughts of sadness, bitterness, anger, fear no longer serve you. Whatever is deep within you let it come out. Any feelings that bubble up during this time allow them to come. Acknowledge them and let them go. You can read this letter aloud or say a prayer releasing the past, the energy, or the situation. Don't keep the ashes allow them to go into the garden or the garbage (after they have cooled down!). Ask God to heal this situation and to bring light out of the darkness. You can repeat this whenever you feel the need.

Anytime you feel stressed out or panicky bring yourself to the present. This is your new beginning.

When things are going wrong- Shift! Trade those negative vibe thoughts with positive thoughts. Easier said than it's done but taking your power back can make you feel wonderful. Ditching the past is setting you free. It's freeing to cut that experience or person away from you.

Put the brakes on the news (even social media), negative or sad movies/songs. Watch or listen to positive and empowering things.

Will everything is rainbows and glitter? No, it may be a challenge but keep going up that hill. I know you can do it!

Part 1 Tips to cope with being alone after a toxic relationship

It has been ages since I've posted! I'm sorry! I haven't forgotten about you! I have jumped into vlogging and haven't come by here in a while. I have a bunch of things that I will be sharing over the next few weeks or so to catch up! You can find the video here- facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone.

A tough topic for many victims and Survivors is loneliness. 

First off, it is very brave of you to stay alone right now! I'm proud of you! This is a time of being on an emotional roller coaster filled with drama. You may feel like tapping out or giving up. Please don't! Consider talking to a counselor or therapist. This can be a dark time and talking with a professional or trusted 3^rd party can help.

One of the most common experience among victims and Survivors of a toxic relationship is feeling lonely. Personally, I can totally understand! This is a critical time when many jump back into the relationship or start a new relationship before addressing the junk from the past.

It isn't uncommon for this new super loving person to end up being abusive as well leaving you feeling like you are a failure in love or all you attract are losers, no one will ever want me or you may wonder what's wrong with, “ME?!”

If you miss your abuser you are not a weirdo. Even if this person caused you physical pain you loved this person. There were some good times and comfort. You may have been with this person for months, years, or decades, and know that it's okay to grieve. There is no shame in longing for this person back. You knew what to expect, it's familiar and in some ways not as scary as starting over.

After you leave you may notice different physical symptoms- Anxiety, depression, mood swings, nightmares, bedwetting, panic attacks, insomnia, and more. These are probably not “new” symptoms you may have not given these things much thought before. You may not have had a chance to really “feel” your own emotions. You may have had to hide these or brushed them off. Now they seem like flashing lights going haywire. Signs PTSD after a toxic relationship happens often!

Remember, we are no longer living in the past. The past now part of our memories and you are safe. That trauma is no longer happening to you. You are free even if you don't feel like you are.

Right now is the time for growth!

Being alone gives you space and time to rediscover or get to know yourself. Learning to reprogram your mindset, past hurts, figuring out likes, dislikes, dreams, and goals.

I know you may not feel like doing this and honestly, I have no clue about what you experienced. I can tell you that giving yourself the gift of time to begin a new journey will be healing for you.

Start creating boundaries, journaling, create a ritual for you such as rising early to read your Bible, pray, exercise, or creating a positive routine. Do something that gives you a positive feeling. This can be for 5 minutes, a half-hour, or longer! Don't hesitate to find time throughout the day to do something to recharge your spirit. 

What is something that you have done to help you on your healing journey? I'll be back tomorrow with more suggestions. Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

14 of the most super popular blog posts

I have been getting many new visitors which always leaves me with mixed feelings. I want to give you a shout and say, "Welcome! We hit 138,000 views and this blog post is #298! Please subscribe and thanks for stopping!" but I feel conflicted to break out the balloons. You see, many of you are here because you are seeking answers on how to deal with an abusive situation and not to look up the latest craft or recipe.

There were times when I wanted to throw in the towel and not blog anymore because of feeling that I couldn't help anyone that reads these posts. Heck, there were times I could barely help myself! How could I give words of wisdom to the many that have emailed me privately? 

The days and weeks following leaving my ex, I swear I could have taken out stock in tissue. It seemed like every time I turned around my eyes were leaking. I cried so many tears I was surprised I had salt left in my tears. (Yes, that song by Martin Briley is now playing in my head for those of you that were around in the '80s do you remember the song?)

It wasn't until THIS YEAR that I embraced my "calling" or my "purpose". What is it? This! This blog, my books, going out to speak about my story, making videos and meeting people to hear they're stories. To give a hug or just listen. 

Now, you may be saying, "But, you have been doing this all along!" I had a hard time realizing that THIS is what I need to do. Seriously! If you look at some of my posts you may find me whining about not knowing what I should do with my life.

This is not just any blog, the book sales are not to make money, (I have given more books and royalties away than what I pocketed- not a brag!) or the speaking I have done is not just for fanfare. 

It's for my children. So they can learn that the relationship I was in with their father was not normal. That love doesn't have to physically or mentally hurt.

And there is YOU! Yes, you and those that are unsure if they should leave. It's for those that no longer can speak due to their lives being taken from domestic abuse. Know you are not alone Dear One. 

If you are unsure where to start on your journey take a peek at the most popular blog posts here-

Early warning signs of an abusive personality

Status hearing next week

Gaslight's- Sociopath mind games

Positive affirmations for you!

Violence is an EXCLUSIVE GROUP and CLUB!

Positive affirmations, a new Vision board, and 5 goals!

Positive affirmations for victims

The effects of Family violence with children

What to expect from a shelter

Advice from Survivors of abuse

Keeping yourself safe after you have left an abusive situation

Checklist for leaving an abuser

Girl! You need a safety plan!

Tips to keep YOU safe during the holidays

I hope this helps you on your journey! If you need to talk feel free to message me privately at blessmeplz@gmail.com.

I started a closed group page for victims and Overcomers to share and encourage one another with respect. I will be changing this to a secret group at the beginning of the year.
Find it here to join-Hope when there was none group
Check out my page here- Hope when there was none page



Have I told you lately that I love you? 

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Searching for the light- Stories from victims of abuse- Amy

Amy

Amy is an adorable pixie-like lady approached me after seeing our group in Psychology class reenact a bit of my story of domestic violence.

She comforted me that I made a good decision about leaving. Quietly she whispered that many years ago she too had suffered by the hands of her then-boyfriend, Martin.

Their relationship began well enough. Amy explained that she had a string of relationships that seemed to go nowhere those past partners had no job or was into the drug culture. She didn’t want to be lonely so whatever person came her way was fine to her. It beat being alone.

Martin was a little different. He had previously been in a serious relationship but he said his ex-was psycho complaining that she never let him see his kid and just kept taking his money weekly.

She never felt any type of hostility. He gave her flowers, took her out, had a good job as a construction worker, and seemed like a good guy. After a month, she felt good enough to let him meet her family. Amy thought the visit was going well and pulled her Mom aside to ask what she thought. Her Mom and sisters confided that something was off about him. They weren’t certain what it was but it was unsettling.

Amy felt hurt. She thought this time would be different and wanted to share her excitement with the ones close to her. The rest of the visit was strained. Martin had appeared uncomfortable the entire time. They bid goodnight and left.

In the car, Martin was perturbed about the incident and said they won’t do that again. She agreed that the visit was different but softened that next time they would visit with just her parents. Martin brought the car to a halt telling her there was to be no further contact with “those people”.

Confused she asked what he meant. He yelled obscenities at her and roughly pushed her door open. Unbuckling her from the seat, he shoved her out while yelling to walk home.

This was the beginning of many such situations. He had attacked her on more than one occasion. She said he promised he wouldn’t do it again but after he would drink, they would argue. One thing would lead to another and he would violently assault her physically or sexually.

Each time the situation worsened. She was unsure if she would make it through another beating. Amy shared that she had since left this situation and felt that she needed to share her story with me. She describes how alone and isolated she felt during this time. Though time has passed, the emotional wounds are sore.

She went on to say that, Martin had come home one evening after hanging out with friends at a bar until late after she had gone to bed hours before. As the relationship went on, she learned he was a functioning alcoholic.

Hearing him shuffle in the door, she curled into a protective ball and awaited him coming to bed. She remembers he stank like stale cigarettes and beer. The smell was so strong that it nauseated her. She held her breath as he came into the room out of fear.

He grumbled under his breath and finally sank down beside her. She hoped he would just pass out.
Out of nowhere, he was on top of her. She thrashed and said to get off but he didn’t. He kept mumbling for her to shush and let him have what is his.

Scrambling from out under him, she managed to force him off of her and sprinted out of the bedroom. He caught her in the hall, grabbing her foot, causing Amy to fall into a side table.

She says the rest is fuzzy. She later learned he had sexually assaulted her while she was unconscious. This is a good thing because he then proceeds to drag Amy out of the house by her feet. She wakes up briefly notices a cool breeze and sees the night sky suddenly the feeling of intense pain throughout her body! She sees him wielding a tire iron. He is hitting her repeatedly.

Amy loses consciousness and awakens to the sound of sirens and flashing lights. She doesn’t know the person she sees kneeling over her. He is talking to her can't understand him because her ears are ringing loudly. Her mouth feels funny. Her head hurts. She tries to get up but she feels hands on her weighing her down. This panics her and she fights with all her might but a shot of pain sends her back into deep slumber.

The next time she wakes up, she finds herself in the hospital. She can only see through one eye. She reaches up to find the other bandaged. One arm is in a cast, her body hurts, and there are tubes, wires, bandages, and another cast on her right leg.

A nurse walked in and excitedly begins to fill Amy in the blank spaces from the day prior to the assault, a neighbor heard a woman screaming. After looking out the window, the neighbor sees Amy on the ground trying to protect her from Martin who is raining blows on her with that tire iron. The neighbor saw Amy trying to crawl away but Martin kept grabbing her legs to pull her back.

What the neighbor didn’t see was Martin twisting her leg so hard that something snapped at the knee. She didn’t see Martin kicking Amy in the head with such force that she would have issues with her right eye in the future.

This kind soul was on the phone with the police the moment she heard the scream that is forever be imprinted on her mind.

It had been over 10 years since that vicious beating, she underwent physical therapy and has had many other health issues related to past event. The police visited Amy in the hospital a day the event to advise her that Martin was picked up on the scene. He claimed he didn’t know what happened and that he blacked out not remembering any of the brutal acts. Martin sentenced to five years in jail but gets out after two for good behavior.

Amy moved away, changed her phone number, her looks, and has a new vehicle.

She adds that she has trust issues and even though time has passed since that night, she much happier alone. Amy sees a counselor, went back to school, and is now an advocate for victims of abuse. Amy also reconciled with her family and they are closer than before.

Part of healing for her was to thank the neighbor for saving her life and to reach out to Martin’s ex-wife, Lisa. Amy found out that Lisa was not this horrible person Martin described her as but rather Lisa was abused by Martin as well!

The courts had granted Lisa sole custody of their child and Martin hadn’t been paying any child support. Martin spent a few days in jail for assaulting Lisa but the charges were dropped for some unknown reason. She hadn’t seen or heard from him in years. She isn’t sure if he is alive.

Both Amy and Lisa endured something horrifying that bound them together in friendship. Neither woman never saw Martin again. Amy adds that she still has bad dreams and worries if he is doing this to another woman.

*I am not an Attorney or Counselor, please seek out a licensed individual for more information and help. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination, given with permission, or used in a fictitious manner. And any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental .*

Feel free to comment below and I urge you to share this story or any posts you have found helpful on my blog. If you need help please don't hesitate to message me privately, follow my pages on social media or if you are local let's connect and grab a cuppa coffee or tea or just to talk.

I can be reached at blessmeplz@gmail.com

https://facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone

www.instagram.com/melindakunst

BIG HUGS,

Mel

Searching for the light- Stories from victims of abuse- Clarissa

Clarissa

I first met this beautiful warrior socially. We had children close in age. She is a bit older than I, married to a man that was very involved in the church. She was wise, sagey, and led a very public and influential life.

From the outside, looking in they had it all. The big house, clothes, gadgets, whatnot’s, vacations, cars, Brad Sr., her husband had a terrific job, and money was no object. For years, I envied and loved the life she and her family led. Oh, I know it’s not good to covet but they had what I had wanted during a dark period. They had it all.

Years later that she confessed that the life they were, living was a lie. Her husband was abusing the children physically. He was especially harsh on his eldest son, Brad Jr. She had no idea why.

Her son had become distant and finally opened up to her about the physical abuse.

Confronting Brad Sr. about the situation, he promised he wouldn’t do it again. He explained to her that he was under pressure at work and took it out on Brad Jr. Not wanting to make excuses for this behavior, he offered to try harder, to walk away if he was having a difficult time controlling his temper. His final promise was that there were isolated incidents.

Over the course of the following weeks, he indeed held to his promise. Clarissa was thrilled to have healing for the relationship between father and son.

A month later, she found she had grabbed her husband’s phone instead of her own.

No big deal right?

She climbed in her van to rush to an appointment she was running late. The phone buzzed. A text message came on the screen. It was from a teen girl they knew from church. Not thinking anything of it, she opened the message. To her anger and sadness, it contained suggestive comments for her husband!

She was still reeling from the news between her Son and husband now this?! Slamming on the brakes she couldn’t think straight so she high tailed it home. Further searching on his phone and home computer showed inappropriate photos with this young lady. There were also pornography sites in his viewing history.

Feeling repulsed Clarissa was trying to figure out whom this man that she was married to for over twenty years was. She felt that she didn’t even know him anymore.

She thought about it he had been acting strangely for several months. Out of the blue Brad Sr. would be angry for no reason at all, staying at church or going off on church business at weird hours. He stopped kissing and touching her. When they did have intimate moments, he would make vicious comments about her body. These things were previously so out of character for him.

She felt as though the world was ending. Sure, they had issues off and on but nothing to this magnitude had prepared her for what was coming next. Clarissa shared that she didn’t leave her husband. She felt confident enough they could get through this with counseling from church and a therapist.

In a short time following the turn of events, she realized how much damage had happened prior to all of this coming to light. The amount of verbal and mental abuse she and the children had been experiencing had been high.

Through counseling, she learned the signs of abuse and Brad Sr. found coping skills to help him deal with high stress. Clarissa now had tools to use to boost her self-esteem that had taken a beating. They began to have date nights. They listened to one another when times were tough and how to communicate again.

At this time, they are still married. It hasn’t been easy. Clarissa still had lingering trust issues of course but they moved past this event to grow and found love for one another that was lost.

*I am not an Attorney or Counselor, please seek out a licensed individual for more information and help. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination, given with permission, or used in a fictitious manner. And any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental .

Feel free to comment below and I urge you to share this story or any posts you have found helpful on my blog. If you need help please don't hesitate to message me privately, follow my pages on social media or if you are local let's connect and grab a cuppa coffee or tea or just to talk.*

I can be reached at blessmeplz@gmail.com

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Stay safe!

BIG HUGS,

Mel

 

 

 

 

Looking back about leaving my abuser

10 years ago I was working in the antique shop that I ran with my then husband- Will. I loved being around the vendors, the antiques, and the customers! It was an amazing experience that had its up's and downs. I have always felt that working for someone else is just not for me, so this was a blessing.

People made comments about Will. He was seen as a bully, rude, and that he never left me alone. Some saw him as cunning, smart, and giving. 

I hated the end of the day. The end of the day signaled the time when I had to go home to be with him. Will had a job in construction so his moments with me at the shop were thankfully limited. The glimmering patch in that madness was my children being there.

At this time I was teetering back and forth about leaving him for the third time. We have been in this continuous cycle of me saying, "Let me go" and he would react with, "Oh no you won't!". There were threats of harm, threats of violence, threats of everything you can imagine just so I wouldn't leave. 

While leaving was scary to me. I would be without money, a home, and health insurance. That was terrifying! Even more so than staying, though I knew in my heart that things were coming to a head. If I stayed longer I would not live to see the end of the following year. 

After leaving those worries didn't go away. There was still danger after leaving him. It didn't make sense to me. I felt that leaving would make the crazy go away but it seemed to escalate, but not being in that situation allowed me to become stronger. It allowed me to open my heart to love someone again, where I told myself I would never let anyone in again. 

Fast forward to the present, I am a different person at that time. The person I am now is continually growing, learning, and healing. It has taken time to work through all of these. 

If you have just left your abuser please know you did the right thing! You will survive without him and he will go on without you. Working on yourself right now for your best. It is hard. There will be days where you will feel that it is just easier to go back. Staying out of this relationship is for your best. You can do this!


If you need to talk message me privately I'm happy to talk to you. 

Whatever your journey, I hope you stay safe. Have I told you lately that I love you?

BIG HUGS,
Mel