A victim may feel powerless to leave. They make you feel empathy for them. They may even feel they can't live without this person.
This can also be called, “Stockholm Syndrome” in an abusive relationship. It can be formed quickly and last even after a relationship has been severed. (Find the video for this here- What is Trauma Bonding?)
There can be times of love, tenderness, and then cruelty. The victim can have a paralyzing fear and feel helpless. The abuser isolates the victim slowly convincing them that they are the only one they can trust or they are the only one they can trust. This can make “no contact orders” hard to keep. Victims may no longer trust their instincts.
There can be a “Honeymoon stage” of a happy relationship, then a build-up of things that “go wrong” which can explode into jealousy, rage, bitterness, and then apologies from the abuser. With the cycle starting all over again.
You may create coping skills to deal with your situation. Your identity, self-worth, and your own needs may get lost during this relationship.
The abuser may attempt to control or mold the
victim, they may showering them with gifts, a hug, promising to listen to the victims concerns or to reward the victim because they did as they were told.
Can use sex as a punishment, could be highly addicted to sexual or does not respect No means no!
How do you know if you are in a Trauma bonded relationship?
You can feel powerless or stuck but try to make the best of your situation.
There are times when you don't love/like or want to be with the abuser but don't feel that you can leave.
You may feel that you don't deserve better, no one will want you, feel inferior, you may begin self-destructive behavior, prostitution (With the belief that's all your good for), self-harm, or that you somehow should be punished or mistreated by a person.
You may promise you won't do whatever it was that set the abuser off.
You may rationalize that your partner isn't always this way. Or they are only this way when they drink, use drugs, have little to no money, or if they hang out with certain people.
You may feel you can change the person, or if you have a baby things will change, if you get married things will change, or if you get a better job you won't argue about money.
You overlook the bad in the person because of all the “good” they do. For example, they help or are active in church or the community.
Your family or friends have confided they believe you need to break it off with this person but, you defend the relationship.
You physically feel sick thinking about leaving or that you may die if you leave. That you can't live without them.
The other person lets you down or doesn't support your dreams, thoughts, or ideas. Toxic people threaten to sue or to change custody or child support if you don't comply or listen to whatever is irking them at that moment.
Go no contact! This may mean you have another person check messages or voice mail messages. If you have to co-parent drop off and pick-up children in a public spot. Don't engage your abuser! If this doesn't work stick to the facts ignore heated words or exchanges. Don't respond! Abusers don't listen to boundaries so it is up to you to make sure you protect yourself by stopping harassing or abusive messages.
Be careful during family get-togethers, school, or holiday gatherings. Even if your children or family want you to make an appearance explain the best you can and try to avoid the situation if at all possible.
Let your boss, school, or medical staff know what is going on. Your abuser may try to get you fired from your place of employment, paint you as the aggressor, lie about things that happened between the two of you or worse.
It can be hard not to let your mind and heart wander to the past. But, remember a healthy relationship doesn't make you feel unworthy or belittled. Consider jotting down the reasons you left your relationship and look it over anytime you feel like going back.
Start trusting your instincts again! If you feel off about a person or situation trust yourself to take things cautiously. If you are starting a new romance or relationship don't leave your children or furbabies alone with this person until you can truly feel that you trust them. It may take time for this to happen and trust the instincts of your children and or if your pet doesn't like this person. Introduce this new person slowly.
Slowly rebuild your life again. This may mean you move to an entirely new place, let go of old friends or family, find a new job. Take every day with small steps. What did you want to be when you “grew up”? What are your favorite hobbies? What have you always wanted to do? Or where did you always want to go? Join a health club, or start walking. Exercise is helpful when you are healing. It sends good vibes to your body and can increase good endorphins to your brain and the rest of you! This is a great stress reliever! You don't have to sign up for a marathon or hot Yoga. Start slow!
Start journaling your thoughts and feelings, let the tears flow, cry or scream if you need to. You don't have to keep this you can tear it up or save it to use for legal purposes. When you are going through a traumatic relationship you may forget things. This is our bodies why of protecting us! It's normal and natural. Don't be hard on yourself for not remembering things.
Talk to a supportive friend or counselor about your past. Learn new patterns to help you overcome any issues with trust, boundaries, taking steps to heal, or coping skills to help with PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, or other health issues.
Listen to uplifting and positive music, podcasts, reading good books, or movies. Do some soul work with digging into your Bible/Torah/etc... Do affirmations, mirror work, grounding, or meditation.
Believe in yourself! Don't be surprised if after time health problems lessen or go away!
One last thing how do you know what's a healthy relationship?
Someone that says, “I understand.” or “I hear your concerns, I love you.” (No strings attached) and the words align with actions, there is mutual trust, has boundaries and respects yours, no hidden agenda, open communication gives partners time to grow, heal and evolve.
Stay safe and BIG HUGS!
Mel
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