14 of the most super popular blog posts

I have been getting many new visitors which always leaves me with mixed feelings. I want to give you a shout and say, "Welcome! We hit 138,000 views and this blog post is #298! Please subscribe and thanks for stopping!" but I feel conflicted to break out the balloons. You see, many of you are here because you are seeking answers on how to deal with an abusive situation and not to look up the latest craft or recipe.

There were times when I wanted to throw in the towel and not blog anymore because of feeling that I couldn't help anyone that reads these posts. Heck, there were times I could barely help myself! How could I give words of wisdom to the many that have emailed me privately? 

The days and weeks following leaving my ex, I swear I could have taken out stock in tissue. It seemed like every time I turned around my eyes were leaking. I cried so many tears I was surprised I had salt left in my tears. (Yes, that song by Martin Briley is now playing in my head for those of you that were around in the '80s do you remember the song?)

It wasn't until THIS YEAR that I embraced my "calling" or my "purpose". What is it? This! This blog, my books, going out to speak about my story, making videos and meeting people to hear they're stories. To give a hug or just listen. 

Now, you may be saying, "But, you have been doing this all along!" I had a hard time realizing that THIS is what I need to do. Seriously! If you look at some of my posts you may find me whining about not knowing what I should do with my life.

This is not just any blog, the book sales are not to make money, (I have given more books and royalties away than what I pocketed- not a brag!) or the speaking I have done is not just for fanfare. 

It's for my children. So they can learn that the relationship I was in with their father was not normal. That love doesn't have to physically or mentally hurt.

And there is YOU! Yes, you and those that are unsure if they should leave. It's for those that no longer can speak due to their lives being taken from domestic abuse. Know you are not alone Dear One. 

If you are unsure where to start on your journey take a peek at the most popular blog posts here-

Early warning signs of an abusive personality

Status hearing next week

Gaslight's- Sociopath mind games

Positive affirmations for you!

Violence is an EXCLUSIVE GROUP and CLUB!

Positive affirmations, a new Vision board, and 5 goals!

Positive affirmations for victims

The effects of Family violence with children

What to expect from a shelter

Advice from Survivors of abuse

Keeping yourself safe after you have left an abusive situation

Checklist for leaving an abuser

Girl! You need a safety plan!

Tips to keep YOU safe during the holidays

I hope this helps you on your journey! If you need to talk feel free to message me privately at blessmeplz@gmail.com.

I started a closed group page for victims and Overcomers to share and encourage one another with respect. I will be changing this to a secret group at the beginning of the year.
Find it here to join-Hope when there was none group
Check out my page here- Hope when there was none page



Have I told you lately that I love you? 

BIG HUGS!
Mel

My knees were shaking and my voice shook!

I admit that I was super nervous as I spoke at the St. Jude House Candlelight Vigil recently. I said a prayer before going on but I was still terribly nervous. My inner chatter was going crazy. Before we arrived I almost told Mr. Awesome that I changed my mind. 

I was letting fear creep into my head. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. I gave a presentation last night and the same voice came into my mind. Telling me that I was stupid. That people would laugh and that I should just leave. 

I punched fear in the face last night. I know in my heart this isn't about my ego or about me. It's about a calling that God placed in my heart to help reach out to others by sharing my story. 

God has put so many AMAZING people and events in my path in such a short period of time. I have been overwhelmed with thankfulness and gratitude. Sharing has been able to help heal me further and to kick that nasty voice in my head. 

My family and friends have been so supportive and loving. I find victims and survivors from all the corners of the earth. The thing is, there are so many similarities in our stories that it is eerie and sad. 

I hope to continue with my book tour and sharing this year and hope to keep going for the future. Plans for a healing sanctuary in the near future are in the works. Whether this would be a not-for-profit or a foundation type of thing is what I am

thinking. Though I admit to being in the dark about planning this. 

Can I also confess that this journey isn't anything that I thought it would be. It is so much more! I thank God every day for His grace and helping me through dark times in my life when all I wanted to do was give up. He didn't give up on me or let me to just throw in the towel. 

In other news, I did make it to the Gypsy Soul Retreats and presented "Vision Boards" to a fabulous group of Women. It was something I crossed off my Bucket List and I was pretty darned proud of myself for going! 

I have been trying to create more videos to add to our YouTube channel. A recent video that was supposed to be serious was a bit loud in the background... Well, you can view it on here! 

I mention on my other blog about how surreal my life is. And I know I have said it over and over, but it is! My worries at this point in my life (besides the usual bills and money is), "Do I grow my hair out because it's bugging me now?" Isn't that awesome!? Seriously, it seems dumb but that is my concern. I am loving this life of mine. :) 

There are little happenings that went on around the farm, please check them out here- My obsession: Glitter, Antiques and Homesteading

So, Dear One, whatever your journey, please know you are not alone! You are loved. You are amazing! You are worthy of joy and happiness. If you need to talk please message me privately. 

If I hadn't told you lately... I love you too!

BIG HUGS,

Mel 

P.S.- Have you heard about this campaign? 💜 Painting your ring finger #purple to show the world your vow to help spread #awareness about #domesticviolence 😍. You are also showing support for #safehorizon which says it is the country's largest organization that helps victims. Whether you are wearing purple ribbons, coloring your hair purple or #putthenailinit #speakup against #abuse 💜. Sharing your story may help change the course of lives!

P.P.S.- Have you had a chance to pick up a copy of my books? Find them here- Call me Master and Rising from the Ashes. Don't forget to look at my facebook page- Hope when there was none. 

If you know of a church or group that would like to have me speak at please drop me a message to blessmeplz@gmail.com.

**UPDATE**

Mr. Awesome and I headed out Friday. I met with a cool Lady about speaking to her group in November at Suzie's Cafe in Valpo. One of the waitresses there had amazing hair! That afternoon, guess who ended the debate on her haircut? YEP! This Lady!

My ebook is out! Call me Master!

It's kind of surreal! After several years of remembering, scouring through old legal records, my journals, emails and other notes, it's out! WAHOO! The paperback version will be out soon. I am thinking to give copies to shelters and to churches. Find more about my book here: Author Central- Melinda Kunst

At the same time, it's bittersweet. The road that led to the book was paved with tears, pain and guilt. There I said it. I still have that Mommy guilt of staying so long. I suppose that is something that just won't go away. But, I do know that my children don't have to be a product of their past. They can fight past it and move on.

I can only do so much to facilitate any help for them. It's not like they are wee ones clinging around my legs, they are all technically adults. Right now, I feel relieved. Like a load is off my shoulders.

I'm marking this day that is also the Anniversary of Mr. Awesome and I with eating anything I feel like today. I started a 28 day cleanse but today feels like it is a good day to cheat. Pizza is coming later! I haven't heard anything from the attorney representing my ex. I'm taking that as a good sign. We are still watching the homestead just in case. Back to watching our surroundings as we go out. Something we did before but are more diligent.

I do have to say that over the past 6 months he has been paying child support. He is behind about $1, 300.00 or so, nothing near what he was in the past. But here is the caveat, 95% of child support needs to be up-to-date for any claims for taxes. I already spoke to his attorney and advised him that Will can claim our Daughter. My only concern is that my previous tax person said that he can only claim her if he had overnights and that was never granted by the courts (THANK GOODNESS!). Thus, he shouldn't be able to claim her for taxes. No worries, though. This is small potatoes compared to past concerns.

I fill my days with living in the moment. I get to stay home while Mr. Awesome goes to work that he

enjoys. We are thrilled he is not Mr. Crankypants anymore. He needed that adult interaction. He has become a weekend Warrior.

We homeschool Mini Man. Take care of our flock of Chickens, Ducks and now the Honey Bees are tucked in the for winter. I'm doing a self inflicted 28 day cleanse to help with my cooties, Lyme Disease and just because. And, I write. I'm about halfway through with book 2, "Rising from the Ashes". It's about what I did to help heal myself from PTSD and anxieties after leaving.

I cover a bit in my current book but this goes through a lot more other things that helped me on the road to healing.

I am also working on a 3rd book about our ride down the rabbit hole with Lyme Disease. I also dusted off my Vision Boards and have decided to show others what worked for me. I have a upcoming workshop in a local town and I'm pretty excited. I hope to do more of these, they are fun to do.

I sound busier than I really am. I tend to nap a lot. Just because I'm tired. But I have to tell you this life I have now is such a blessing! I still feel it is a dream.

I'm happy! I also had a wild hair to travel again, this time across the US by bicycle before or around the time I'm 50 (in a few years!). I thought about doing it as a Lyme ride but I think it's just going to be a happy I'm alive ride. My behind is hurting and it's only been a week since I started. We found a stationary bike on an ad that is a vintage Schwinn. I love it. Needs a better seat though. My behind is hurting a bit.

I free...

I love you Dear One, you have stuck with me through this amazing and at times terrifying ride. Thank you! And if you are still in an abusive relationship please know you are never alone in that loneliness. I have been there. It is not living. The tough part is making the decision to go. It's not easy. I promise you that. I also can say that your life will be so much better once your gone. You may not notice this until years later after the crazy of leaving your abuser. But, it does...

I love you! Stay safe!
BIG HUGS,
Mel

PS: We also celebrated 3 birthdays! My eldest Son, Nathan! I missed so many birthdays and though we weren't there physically, we did celebrate it with cake and sent pictures to him via FB.

Mr. Awesome celebrated the BIG 60! A week and a half later and then...

I was the Birthday Girl! I asked everyone to wear party hats, why not? I turned... GULP! 47! I'm can't tell you how wonderful it is that I am able to celebrate my birthday. There was a time I didn't think I would be able to.

Lots of love...

Mel 

I left now what?!

So you maybe thinking, "I took a leap and now what Mel?"

The path you are going on is going to be hard. There will be tears, screaming, and total shaking of your head at times. You may not believe how the legal system is treating you and you could feel like the one at fault. Though the process stinks from time to time, if you follow the rules, listen to your attorney or authorities you can make it through this.

Ever hear the statement- "CYA! Cover Your Ass!" Sorry to be blunt. Everything you can do to leave a paper trail, legally the better!

I encourage your to learn as much as you can about the laws for your location. This is not very interesting information but arming yourself about the In's and Out's of the legal system can help you immensely! A judge can see you as more professional which is something that can work to your advantage.

If you have any engagement with an attorney, police or Judge, try to remain calm. Don't give out too much information, such as, they are not going to care if you were running a marathon wearing pink lipstick or if you were trying to read a book. They want to know just the facts of what the matter is.

Keep a journal of any incidents of threatening texts/emails/voice mails/visits. These can be used as evidence of a poor behavior. Hold onto this information for as long as your case is going through and maybe even a year or two after that.

Ditch anything that your ex could possibly have bugged if possible or go through the item with a fine toothed comb. Spy ware, GPS, or a Lo-jack sort of system is just a small bit of technology your abuser can use to hunt you down or further harm you.

If you are leaving the area where you reside to get to safety I encourage you to find out what laws may make you come back or charge you with jail time. Again, sometimes the legal system can make you the bad guy. Stories are splashed on the news of victims jailed because they fled with children into a different state line.

Get a new bank account, change your passwords online, screen your calls and friends on social media. Don't answer the phone for your abuser or call back right away unless it is a "REAL" emergency! One of the happiest moments after leaving my ex, was that I wasn't at his beck and call anymore and I didn't have to answer his call or messages right away. I could wait a day or longer if I really needed to reply at all! There was a point where I informed him to only contact me if emergency otherwise email me. Soon after I was able to get a Order of Protection due to harassment and went through my attorney and a family member for emergencies. I got to tell you how nice this was/is!

Make sure you let a trusted family member or friend know your whereabouts! Make sure you are situationally aware of your surroundings. Trust your guts! Also if there is a visitation please make sure you do the visitation in a public setting or depending on the situation (if violent or disruption issues)ask to have visitations to be hosted at a specialized setting set by the court. These facilities are considered supervised and will have security for you and your family. There is a time limit given for families to visit. Ask your legal professional about this! Also consider asking for a GAL-Guardian ad Litem to assist if needed in children if they are distressed about past or with current situation with your ex. A GAL is an advocate for your child/ren and will help your child work through the issues with your ex.

Now, you maybe thinking, you have heard all this from me before. DUH! Well, sometimes we need reminding. This crazy roller coaster can make you loopy and frustrated! I'm here to let you know that I understand the madness of what you are going through.

If you haven't already done so and need a place to go to stay, call local shelters for help on counseling, legal services, or housing. Especially if you need a place to stay for yourself and children. You may need to tuck your pride aside and just call. These homes are guarded, secure and the folks that work or volunteer here are trained and professional. When I first left my ex in 2007, we were treated with kindness, compassion as well as with clothing and toiletries! That first time all we had was the clothes on our back! There are single women that go here to. Now for males with violent situations this is harder to find but there are services you can utilize as well. Please call your local shelter to inquire.

Now is the time to reclaim yourself! Get back your life! Kick any bad habits! Learn to love yourself and find you again!

You may feel devastated or confused about what the next day is going to bring for to you. I have to let you know that thinking about my future is what drove me to starting again. Knowing I can do what comes my way and that the good Lord is my driving force is what helps me!

After a few days or weeks after leaving you and your child/ren could experience, nightmares, panic attacks, anxieties, medical conditions out of the blue, irrational behavior, mood swings, school work can suffer and depression to name a few things. 

Wait? What?! These may even manifest months or years later. Be mindful to journal or keep a calendar of these challenges and share with your advocate/legal professional/counselor.

Speaking of Counseling. I found counselling didn't work for me, as I found myself feeling worse or more stressed out than when I arrived, this may not be the norm but I did see at least 5 different counselors/therapists. I didn't do well on anti-depressants as they made me eat alot and suicidal. So where did that leave me?

I am on a journey to find what works for me and my children and you have to find what works for you and I am not condoning modern medicine or therapy or shaking my finger at you as this is your journey, find what works for you! This road has led me to:

Reading my Bible

Blogging

Journal

Going to a drumming circle

Using essential oils- Feeling therapy- a shameless plug for YL Oils, I am a distributor

Smudging my home, myself and family

Creating a Bucket List

Positive affirmations

Meditation- This is something that is hard for me to focus as my mind is going 50 miles a minute!
Recently Yoga- Now I wish I look this graceful. I actually don't bend well, and teeter over like a Weeble (showing my age)

I also do things I have always enjoyed: Garage/Yard sales, crafting, antiquing, public speaking engagements-Most are craft/Reflexology/Antique related. I have also learned how to raise chickens, ducks, guinea fowl, rabbits and bees! 

I even went to school again for Medical Assisting- I have the degree but have yet- 4 years later to find a job in that profession (GRRFACE!) I still have the student loan to pay back go figure! These are just a few things that are helping me to find "ME". Sounds strange doesn't it? 

Like, what? were you lost? 

Yes I was for a very long time. I lost my moxie, spunk and zest for life. I lived my life but didn't really live it. I got by. Like a zombie. I got used to just surviving the moment. Not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, not wanting to cause or start an argument, rolling over when things get tough. Not finding my voice when I am in an uncomfortable situation or just agreeing with something or someone when I really don't want to.  

All of these things take time to learn and do. It isn't happening over night. If I could have asked God to take it all away, I wouldn't. The experiences have made me stronger. Now as for forgiveness for what my abuser did to me, I forgave him awhile back, but with the molesting of my daughter, that I am having a hard time with.  I am being honest about that. I go back and forth about this, knowing Biblical I need to forgive, I'm just not ready yet. 

I hope these have helped you! Thanks for listening to me ramble on.

Also please refer to my other blog posts on similar topics. 

Stay safe and God bless!

Mel

Terms you should know in a divorce/separation

Terms you should know if you are in the legal system seeking a separation or divorce from an abusive partner-

Guardian ad litem?

A Guardian ad litem (GAL) is a person the court appoints to represent the best interests of a child in a divorce or parental rights and responsibilities case. The GAL will investigate the family situation and advise the court about where a child should live and what type of contact parents should have with their children.

What is divorce mediation, and how is it different from arbitration?

Divorce mediation is a process in which divorcing spouses try to negotiate an acceptable divorce agreement with the help of a neutral third party: the mediator. The mediator helps the spouses to communicate and negotiate but doesn't make any decisions for them.

Both mediation and arbitration involve a neutral third party who is not a judge. In mediation, the neutral party has no power to make decisions. In arbitration, the neutral third party -- the arbitrator -- listens to the facts and then decides the case, just as a judge would. Although the parties can present evidence and make arguments, they have no say in the final decision.

Visitation/Supervised visitation


Visitation is the arrangement set out for contact between the child and the parent (or 3rd party) who does not maintain the primary residence for the child. Visitation can be set out in a number of ways including a flexible visitation schedule, reasonable visitation as determined by the custodial parent , a structured visitation schedule to include holidays, weekends and summer vacations and supervised visitation..
If one parent has sole legal custody, that parent has the authority to make long range decisions regarding the health, education and religious decisions for the child. . The parent who does not have legal custody, should not attempt to subvert those decisions. For example, if the parent with legal custody has decided to raise the child in the Jewish tradition, the parent with visitation rights should not take the child to be baptized in a Catholic church.

How do you determine a visitation schedule?

The courts encourage parents to work together to determine the visitation schedule that will be in the best interest of the child. Such factors as school and work schedules, family traditions, distance of the parents homes, other siblings and family members, health requirements and other personal issues effect each visitation schedule uniquely. If parents are able to work together to set a schedule that will benefit the child’s needs and accommodate the parents schedules, the courts have mediation resources available to assist. Court certified mediators are available in every county to provide neutral assistance to allow the parents to meet the needs of their child.

Who can be awarded visitation?

Obviously a biological parent can be awarded visitation . Additionally, grandparents (even when the parents weren't married or are not currently divorced) and step-parents may be awarded visitation rights. While there are no reported cases of brothers or sisters being given visitation , a strong argument could be made that it would be in the best interest of the child.

When can visitation be denied?

If the child is in an unsafe situation, it is important that the problem is brought to the attention of the court and other agencies that might be appropriate. The court has the power to deny visitation to a parent. Normally the court will only stop visitation for a certain time or until a certain task is performed. If the parent with primary residency denies court ordered visitation , the parent who has been denied visitation should consider filing an action for contempt and/or modification of the existing order.

Are visitation rights contingent on the payment of child support and vice versa?
 
No. Court ordered visitation rights may not be denied to the non-custodial parent, even though the non-custodial parent is not paying child support. A parent who has been denied visitation does not have the right to stop paying court ordered child support. Not following court orders will place you in contempt and will only get you in trouble with the possibility of jail time.

When is supervised visitation or monitored exchanges appropriate?

Supervised visitation protects the safety of the child and centers are available throughout Maryland. "Monitored Exchange" programs allow the child to be exchanged and move from one parent to the other without the parents having contact.

Many parents and children who are separating or divorcing in difficult circumstances need help from a neutral third party in arranging for visitation . Although emotions may be running high between the parents, it is in the child's best interests that they should consider that in most situations children want to continue relationships with both parents. If the child’s parentl wants to maintain a relationship with the child, judges are unlikely to terminate the rights of the parent to visit. In particularly volatile situations, supervised visitation or monitored exchanges should be considered. Supervised visitation is visitation between a parent and child held at a neutral location. Supervised visitations are closely monitored by staff who may intervene when necessary to ensure appropriate parent/child interactions.

Monitored exchange occur at a neutral center where the parents pre-arrange times at which the parents exchange the child. Staggered pick-up and drop-off times are usually arranged so that the parents do not have to be in contact with one another. The actual exchange is monitored by staff who generally try to ease the process for the child.

When might I consider using one of these services?

Supervised visitation may be useful in situations where the parent who does not have primary residence:

is working on improving his/her parenting skills;
may have a drug or alcohol abuse problem;
has been abusive or has had trouble controlling anger; or
may have been involved in inappropriate sexual behavior with the child.

Monitored exchanges may be useful in any of the situations described above, particularly if the parent who does not have the primary residence completed treatment and is ready for unsupervised visits. Monitored exchanges may also be helpful when parents separate and find themselves arguing or when there is a history of domestic violence. If any violence was directed at the child, supervised visitation may be most appropriate.
How do I arrange for these services?

Most people find the services through referrals from the courts, Family Services, or Child Protective Services. Others negotiate visitation agreements that include one of these arrangements.

* I am not an Attorney. Please ask your lawyer or advocate information. Educate yourself on the system. Ask questions about EVERYTHING. You are paying a person (or blessed to have a Pro-bono atty), talk to them, inquire about what's going on. Voice your concerns. Try to keep your emotions in check. I know it's not easy. This is the tough part! Listen, take notes, ask questions and if need be take someone with you or ask if you can record the meeting to make sure you don't miss anything. 

Think about things to ask your legal person before you go to make sure you hit the things you feel are important. Be reliable, upfront and honest! Depending on circumstances in your break-up, you may have children or pets to protect.

Leave no stone unturned! If your legal representative seems as though they aren't truly listening or understanding- FIRE THEM! Don't be afraid to fire them. You can do this! Surprised? It does push back your court proceedings when this happens but make sure you feel comfortable with the person representing you. 

Pick someone that can work with you, whether it be someone that has worked with abuse victims before or someone that is sympathetic and not just out for a fat check.

You can actually do much or all the separation/divorce yourself. Now this is frustrating, empowering and can be rewarding. Many states offer Legal Assistance or Legal Aid or even some Pro-Bono attorneys that can help you, prepare, file, give advice or represent you if you need it! Honest! Call or check out your local governments website for more information. 

Women's Shelters- If you are lucky and don't have to stay in a shelter that is wonderful. These places can not only help you if you need shelter in an emergency, but they have resources for counseling, legal assistance, advocates, housing, help with job searches/resume and more! (Guys you can call too!)

Stay safe! Read and learn all you can about the courtroom.

Blessings!
Mel

I'm rooting for you!

Independence day in 9 days!

I am coming up to our Second year Independence Day on Feb 25! I can not believe it has been almost 2 years that I first left my spouse. It has gone by fast and it seems as though it was a lifetime ago and another life.

The life I have now is so much different and comfy. I recently have had some other memories crop up, nightmare last week and a mini panic attack a few days ago. It's amazing how they pop up with a vengence and so fierce they take my breath away. I will not look back as defeated as I felt not so long ago! My ex still looms around. By the grace of God we have not heard much from him, though I do still miss my son terribly. I wonder what he looks like and how much he has changed. I wonder if remembers any of the nasty things we endured. J still wonders why he went back.

Oh but she is such a handful herself! I love my children to pieces but my goodness I was at my wits end last Sunday. I lost it! I said so much I had been holding back from her. I flew off the handle big time! I just said my piece and all was quiet. We have had so many arguments that at times it is like walking on eggshells and it can be crazy worrying about her getting upset. Heaven's! I left crazy and don't plan on living like that again. She can be so mean and violent to her sister, with our concerns that if she will harm her sister further or hurt the baby. When I say violent it isn't throwing knives or anything, it is hitting, it is threats to harm her sister or things her sister loves. And then she gets that look in her eyes that I saw her father have... All is not always nice here.

So Sunday I said those words that I don't really mean... "YOU CAN LIVE AT DAD'S! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!" Of course Terry, being of sound and calm mind suggested we talk and just calm down for a bit. He knew well that I do not want her to live with her Dad. She will never be the same if that happened. I would never hear from her again. Oh, that is guranteed! I could never live with myself, I lost one child and feel regret over that incident. I am not the only one that is healing and relearning how to live, both of my daughters are as well! Right now I am just taking away privileges, making her go to bed early, that sort of thing. SIGH! It is funny you look at my other blog and I feel I come off as a happy go lucky person with a side of insanity in this blog. Getting to the heart of matters and not pussy footing around!

I received a number for another advocate to speak to and I was thinking of perhaps seeing if the local Moms groups may need a speaker to talk about Family violence. Just a thought! I am out of work and besides antiques and blogging, my other passion is spreading knowledge and hope for others that suffer from Domestic Violence.

I reviewed some of my old posts and shortly I will be reposting our escape that I posted orginally in 2009. I did hap on a post from 1/22/09 that I will be reposting next! Have a great night!