Green flags to be thankful for in a relationship

No relationship is perfect but there are some things to keep an eye out for when starting or thinking about a current relationship you are in this could be with an intimate partner, family member, friend, or co-worker.

1. This person takes responsibility for their own actions.

2. Support things you want to do or pursue.

3. Practice self-care.

4. Are reflective on their life or situations.

5. They have long-standing healthy friendships.

6. Empathy towards others.

7. You can be vulnerable around this person or they are vulnerable.

8. They are spiritual and don't mock your spirituality.

9. Self-sufficient- They can take care of themselves, appointments, and needs.

10. Communicate openly with no judgment.

11. Has hobbies and is encouraging for you to pursue your own or to join in with their interests.

12. Respects and honors your boundaries.

13. Are affectionate with you.

14. Takes interests in the thing you like to do.

15. Supportive and positive about you even when you aren't feeling that way.

16. Has a great sense of humor and can laugh at themselves. They don't put you down.

17. Can help out financially if they need to with no strings or without being asked.

18. A good listener and communicator.

19. Has fun!

20. Accepts your past without being critical.

21. Doesn't compare you to others.

22. Respects your need for alone time.

23. Allows and encourages you to have a career.

24. Respects your children.

25. Knows they aren't the center of the universe.

26. They are mature.

27. They have confidence in themselves without being cocky.

28. Fits in no matter what the situation or environment they are in.

29. Admit when they make mistakes.

30. Shares in chores or tasks around the house.

31. Enjoys quiet time and encourages you to do the same.

32. Willing to deal with the ups and downs in a relationship.

I hope these help you evaluate a questionable relationship you have or maybe even to evaluate "YOUR" behavior in relationships. If you or someone you know is in a toxic relationship there is hope and help. Message me privately for info on services in your area. I have a private FB group for women only that are victims/Survivors of abuse and it can be found here- Hope when there was none group.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Guess what! I'm getting married...

Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick!

Over the weekend I will be married to someone that has become a big part of my life. I posted on FB about how much I appreciate him. He's handled everything that has came his (our) way with strength, calm and positive thoughts about each situation. It's sort of a dream right now. I've wrote before about how surreal everything is. Even talking or writing about my past seems like it was someone else.

Not that I'm not happy about this. I'm thrilled! But, I have had some random tears, fear and apprehension creep in on my happiness. Terry has been away for work and I can't wait to have him come back to share as well as get some insight on the little dark cloud that feels as though it's looming.

I'm fearful of being "someone's property". Oh, he's not like that, though I have a concern.
I fear faithfulness. My Ex's track record wasn't the greatest. I have big time trust issues both in my worry about fidelity with my future Mr. Melinda as well as a few needless worries. Heck! They are all needless!
 
I should be thrilled! I should be anxious! And I am, though in some ways I'm still allowing my fears to get the best of me. I have had my glue gun out, glitter, pearls, lace and what's not to love right now? I'm getting remarried!

I was so relieved to chat with a good friend that is also a recent Survivor of abuse. I can learn so much from talking with others about they're experiences,  just gab about how they are surviving or words of wisdom/strength. During the chat I was reminded of despite how different we are in our experiences that we are SO similar! She really lifted me up! Thank ya Darlin!

There has been only a few small issues that have come up (besides what seems like a daily breakdown in my mental state) regarding getting the wedding together. I know this has caused me some distress deeply and some sadness. I'm hoping that it will end up going well. I'm terrible at confrontations. I tend to cry at the drop of a hat when confronted or I just avoid the subject of whatever it is all together as if the "white elephant" isn't in the room. SIGH! But these issues are totally normal in planning a wedding! LOL! So there is some normalcy! I just need to put on those "Big Girl panties" and open my mouth.

Let's see... Unrelated gossip! Well, it's not really gossip if it really happened...

I ended up hearing from, (by accident) a woman that has held a torch for Terry for YEARS (She is a family friend)!

Background: They dated briefly while she was considering separating from her hubby, they have a sexless marriage and he's never home, that was many moons ago. After a few months of her not leaving her hubs, Terry told her that he couldn't do the back and forth anymore and they could remain friends. This was over 10 years ago... Fast forward to 3 years ago, I met her, confronted her (At her house! Ok I do get some balls every once in a while) long story short. She said there was nothing going on. She was babysitting him for years... Blah, blah, blah!

For over 3 years, every great once in awhile she would "drunk" text Terry, crying about how she missed him. Wanting to meet up with him for dinner, happy hour, she is still crazy about him, and more Blah! Blah! Blah! So, when someone texted about fun they were having on a weekend trip in a group text.( There were several replies back and forth between others- still with me on this long tale?)   I find out "she" is one of the person's texting. I couldn't help myself!

I replied back!

I apologized for the house incident long ago. I also said that I would like to get together sometime. I invited her to the wedding! She was watching her child at a sporting event so she couldn't chat, (I was grinning the whole time during this) but she missed us the best. She said there was no reason to worry she had no issues with at all and there were never any. Of course it doesn't explain why she glares and ignores me when she see's me (even before me going to confront her at her house) or why she has never taken Terry up on meeting for lunch or dinner with me included. The next day she replied again that she is having some crazy weekends, but going out of town for a wedding and again wishes us happiness. That was a interesting distraction for a change and it gave me a belly laugh at how silly and normal that incident seemed. I hope to someday forge a peaceful relationship with her. She was very good friends with Terry for a long time. I have no issues with men having friends that are women. She helped him through a dark period of sadness in his life (past marriage) and that's wonderful!

While I don't believe we will be breaking bread anytime soon and future outings that involve her will continue to be uncomfortable.  It's ok, that is normal reality that brings a giggle to me for a change. It's nice that it's not just the madness about my ex or my issues with trying to break free of the memories of my past.

Speaking of madness. I heard the ex went to Crown Point to look for me, tell anyone that will listen we are divorced and how "Happy" he is... "Has anyone saw me?" Days prior to this incident the girls and I were in CP looking for wedding ideas, dresses for the girls and something special for me. (I am a terrible procrastinator! LOL!) A shop owner I'm knew asked me how we were, gushed over the baby and told me how happy she was that I was away from that man. She thought he treated us terribly! She went to discuss some of his family members but I'm not going there. I just smiled politely, thanked her and wished her well. She wished us happier times and good to see us.

So now you know the scoop! I will post pictures of the upcoming nuptials!

Please remember that everyone's situation is different. The levels of abuse as well as the types of abuse. Many times you don't realize how "bad" it was until you are free from it. Know you are not alone. Get help! Talk to someone! Confide in a friend or family member.  Love doesn't hurt! Physically, mentally or emotionally.

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Infidelity and my Gaslighter

After reading much on the subject of Abuse, I have found the majority have sex addictions or infidelity issues from time to time. A phone number, online porn, or a bj doesn't mean they cheated right? I'm not sure if that is a warped sense of morals or if it's just a male thing to think it's ok to do these things. Sex is sex? No kissing doesn't mean it's deep right? Or just because you didn't snuggle with the person doesn't mean it's cheating? Or maybe oral sex is ok to do! What trust do you violate when you do that?

Men have a hard time with fidelity issues. I do not make any excuse for them whatsoever. But there is such a thing as trying. Trying not to look at porn or checking out some random chick or Hey making out with someone isn't cheating. Now hold on! Am I right or wrong?

Bringing home a disease to your loved one is not cool. Cheating on your loved one, no matter which act you are choosing, whether in your mind thru fantasy or oral sex with some stranger. You are cheating real love, and if you have kids you are cheating them.

Children can learn about love from Mom and Dad. Violence, relationships with others, intimacy with a loved one, they see it all! When they are old enough they can learn that hey Mom/Dad do it, then it must be ok.

"Hey! That thing that's beating on the floor? Yea, that's my heart you didn't step on it hard enough" I am not sure what part of a relationship normal or with an Abuser is worse, knowing he/she is stepping out or knowing they are. Getting sloppy seconds or finding out that your mate is filling the time with others. It's all rotten! It's all stinks and it all is something to add to the ever growing list of crap in your life that you have to tackle.

I'm not one of those women that can turn the other cheek anymore. STBX wanted several wives, we actually looked into becoming Mormon. He thought that would justify his sick views on relationships. HMMM! What did it get us? Not only did that further break our relationship it caused us to get infected with a STD. Luckily it's HSV2 and not HIV or HPV. Not that that it's lucky to get an STD but I am thankful it is one treatable and the symtoms can lessen a bit. It helps if you don't have too much stress in your life, you eat right, exercise and keep healthy.

There is no excuse for any of the behaviors from Abusers. None of it is ok whether it is the hitting, infidelity,drug/alocohol abuse, the excuses, the promises of change. Of course finding a real relationship after you have been abused can be tricky! Find yourself again, don't be so quick to jump into the next relationship! If there is one thing I should have listened to was this. I won't change it, I'm happy with Mr. Wonderful, but I can see how it could have been not so pretty if he wasn't so wonderful.  I've seen many woman fall into the same pattern of abuse with the next guy and the next guy and so on and so on...

Do things you love to do!

Make a list of 25 things you always wanted to do and do them! Cooking? Learning to sew? Building something or volunteering for an organization! Now it's time to get your life back! Stay single for a bit. Enjoy getting to know you again.

Don't pine or wait for the next guy... Sex? It won't kill you to be without it, honest! Don't be one of those women that have the "2 year crazies" after they have broken up/divorced they're partner.

Will the next guy be a cheater? You will have trust issues! I can guarantee it! You will look at his mail or check out his phone. You will pepper him with questions about where he is. Even if the next guy doesn't take a swing at you, there will be suspicions or even wondering on your part. It's a hard habit to break! It's one of the many things that take getting used to NOT doing when you find a real relationship. Not every guy will hit you, not everyone will cheat or be a substance abuser. Take time, read, talk to a counselor, find a divorce support group. Or find a group online! Cafemom is a great place to start! It's free and there are a ton of boards on there with a variety of topics.

I felt kind of dirty!

I was reading through old blogs that I started reposting on here. Many or which made me feel really dirty,repulsed and sad. It as though I was reading about someone else's life.

As you look at people around you, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. You do not know what the "Thomases or the Joneses" are going through.The ideal family picture in public can be very intense when they are at home.

That was us. As I mentioned before, we did have some good times. The kids had many experiences I will probably never know of because I was not home. I heard bits and pieces here and there. Usually when one of the girls is in meltdown mode due to a bad dream or they feel particularlly gabby about the past.

I encourage them to not talk negative about their Dad. No matter what he is their Dad. I can not tell you what is in that man's heart. Whether he actually loves them or not. My instinct tells me no, he was so quick to tell the GAL on our case he would sign over his Parental rights. Of course I know he will never do that, for several reasons:

1) To save face with family and friends

2) He wants to get even with me, so he will eventually start harming the kids in some way or form down the line

3) He is geared up for the day I am able to pay "Him" child support (I am without a job right now so that's not happening)

4) He does not want to be lonely. Not that anyone does!

I would love to say I am wrong about this. I would love to say that his bad traits (anger) are so minimal that we can just gloss them over and sweep this whole situation under the rug. Like a broken record that has a crack, our relationship can not be fixed. With his offering to me to go with him to counseling as a gesture of a marriage that is repairable. I won't go. I won't allow him to be a intimate part of my life anymore. I won't allow him to cross the line as even a friend. He lost all those privileges with his accusations of infidelity, with hateful words to me and the kids. He lost so much when I left.

Oh heavens! I'm not all that and I am not offering something made of gold. I do not mean to say I am "It". I was genuine (and still am), faithful, loving and trusting. I have no conceit or big head about my looks. I am not a trophy wife, nor do I want to be. I consider myself pretty down to earth but lacking right now alot of confidence in me. I feel as though a ton of bricks are on my shoulders right now for many reasons.

BUT not enough of a bad life that makes me want to step back into my old life. No way and no how...