What Is Abuse And What Does It Look Like?

 

Abuse is more than physical...

It's more than just physical! Know you are not alone and if you need to find resources or help message me privately. I've been there and know how difficult it is to leave and to stay gone. I neglected to share that there is also Immigration abuse.

Abuse can be all about an abuse of power

Substance abuse

Cyber abuse

Elder abuse

Emotional abuse

Mental abuse

Sexual abuse

Teen dating violence

Financial abuse

Verbal abuse

Physical abuse

Immigration abuse

Find the link to this video here-What does abuse look like?

Someone out there needs to know they are not alone and that they can survive. Perhaps you are a parent or friend of someone trapped in an abusive relationship and need to
know how to help. My goal is to share awareness, offer empowerment, and educate others about emotional traumas and domestic abuse. Here I will share my story and also stories of courage and healing from Survivors, Coaches, to Therapists/Counselors.

Find me here- https://linktr.ee/melindakunst

Find help and info here-

National Domestic Violence Hotline- https://www.thehotline.org/

Safe Horizon- https://www.safehorizon.org/

https://www.domesticshelters.org/

https://internationalwomenshouse.org/get-help

https://www.domesticshelters.org/.../national-global...

Sexual Assault Hotline- https://www.rainn.org/

Stay Safe!

Mel

Red flags you should look for in any relationship

Are there warning signs you should be on the lookout for in a relationship? You betcha! Here are a few to keep watch for! This applies to any type of relationship! Not just with an intimate partner. Honestly, I wish I would have known these were a thing. What I know now... I'm sure you feel the same way! So here are some things to look out for. 

1) Is there a history of violence?

2) May have a mysterious reason why they don't like people.

3) Wants to get serious real quick.

4) Is this person overly possessive and jealous?

5) Begins isolating you from family and friends.

6) Doesn't listen to you or your opinions.

7) Bossy and inconsiderate.

8) Dictates where you go, what you wear, and what you enjoy.

9) Monitors your calls, texts, and/or social media.

10) Blames you for all their issues even if you had no part in whatever the situation.

11) Puts on a display of affection and caring for others but behind closed doors talks poorly about them behind their back.

12) Makes fun of you.

13) Manipulative.

14) Ignores your boundaries.

15) Doesn't include you with friends or family outings or gatherings.

Of course, the HUGE red flag is if the person uses intimidation, threats, demeans you, or violence against you.

These are just some of the red flags that are out there. I've included the video that you can also listen to. If you need to talk don't hesitate to message me or find me on FB at https://www.facebook.com/melinda.kunst.58. Stay safe! 

BIG HUGS!

Mel

What is abuse? Read more to find out!

Abuse defined can mean many things, e.g.:

1) Abuse of power
2) Substance abuse
3) Physical
4) Mental
5) Verbal
6) Sexual
7) Religion
8) Financial
9) Cyber

If you talk to or listen to experts on the subject, you will find there is an escalation of these. People from every gender, age, and ethnic background are affected. There are states and countries with various organizations or out-reach campaigns promoting awareness and services.

However, many thousands remain silently victimized ashamed, afraid, and unwilling to come forward to share their story due to fear of retaliation, disbelief, or support of the legal system, family and friends.

Making a radical change is a start but how does one begin? How does one make that leap to talk?

Perhaps you have not been directly affected by abuse have you ever wondered how you can help?

Supporting all involved is an excellent start. Writing to your local government officials to begin to make a change with legislature to help victims, start programs to educate those that are abusers, or revamping the current programs.

See what support your local community does to promote activities for those in need, such as fundraisers or events.

Share stories from victims and Survivors. Donate your time and talents to your local shelter. Consider donating items that are desperately needed for both the guests and shelter.

Pray and listen to victims, Survivors, and even the abusers. Empathy for the abuser sounds odd I’m sure. There is a cycle of abuse that began at some point in that person’s life, triggered by substance abuse, a medical condition, or being victimized. This doesn’t give an excuse for the behavior or justify it. It can help find help and break the chain of abuse.

Finding an end to abuse is the goal of ending many senseless murders, assaults, and injuries. We are still a long way from meeting this goal but it starts with each one of us to make change.

To watch the video that started out the series about abuse here- What are the types of abuse?

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month

It's incredible that it has been 7 years since I left my abuser for good! I felt trapped. I was unsure how and when I was finally going to leave, of course I knew in my heart I wouldn't live to see the end of 2009. A dear Friend of mine felt the same way and encouraged me to leave before it was too late.

I'm new to making videos so please be kind! I hope to have more videos in the future. My wish is to continue to ignite hope in those trapped in abusive relationships. Whether it is your mate, family member, or co-worker.

You Dear Blog reader are not alone! Please stay safe and God bless!

Brushing the dust from my knees

I lay curled in a protective pose, trying to shield my head and midsection from the assault that seemed to be over taking me.Terror that filled my bones, my stomach was in knots, I sobbed uncontrollably begging my attacker to please stop. 

I begged for mercy.

I sucked in my breath as the blows to my body, feeling light headed and wishing for death.

I prayed for God to just take me. To end the tirade that seemed to be lasting for hours, but in fact was over in less than a few minutes.

I was hit with sweat and spittle from my abuser as he screamed about how useless I was. That I was a stupid *unt! 

My head hurt, my body ached, I felt myself urinate on myself. I hoped he didn't notice. . .

Too late! He laughed and sneered with disgust at me. He ranted that I was a disgusting pig! He stopped in mid kick. He backed away, muttering under his breath about what a waste of flesh I was and shaking his head. 

He barked to me to get my ass off the floor, clean myself up and I better not have to go to the hospital or else. He yelled that it was my fault anyway and he would deny anything if it came to that.

My breathing was labored. I prayed I wasn't seriously hurt. I brushed myself off, found some clean clothes and was further instructed to take care of dinner.

I made haste and nearly fell down the stairs from our bedroom that was on the 2nd floor, to the sinister smile of my abuser waiting at the bottom of the stairs with open arms to say he was sorry he got out of hand. He made a pouty face and said an almost shy apology. 

He grabbed my hand and pulled me close to hold me. I felt repulsed and dead inside. Confused, hurt and still dazed by the events that had just taken place. I didn't understand why God was letting this happen to me or the kids.

***********************************************************

I felt as though I had floated in and out of that former life. Feeling as though another person had taken my place during times of painful episodes. Not believing there would be anything else that awaited me in the future except a coffin. I saw death by the hand of my abuser or from my own hand as I slumped in a deep depression, unsure of what to do next with my circumstances. I blamed myself. I blamed God. 

I walked about in a nervous fog. I dreamed of happiness. Fantasized of a life of happiness. No drama or violence. Even after chatting with a intuitive friend, Kristy, who advised me that she was worried that I would not survive the upcoming year. My heart knew she saw wasn't far from the truth. I needed to run. I couldn't stay in this crazed relationship any longer. 

Fast forward 5+ years later! 

God never gave up on me and provided the right opportunity to escape. My life now is still a roller coaster. My recent Order of Protection has been granted for no contact with my ex. Though I highly believe he is emailing my daughter, and believe he is pretending to be my older son. 

The girls are happier. Terry and I are best friends. I have been able to grow as a person. Heal and laugh again! That former life and me seems like it is a hundred years away. Helping my daughter from the sexual abuse she suffered is slow and I am not pushing her to relive those events. I have advised her we need to have a counselor or perhaps she needs to discuss with peers someday when she is ready. 

I'm writing as a reminder to others "stuck" you can break free of abuse. No, everything is not perfect. I still am on guard and watch over my shoulder. We don't receive regular child support payments. And there are still nightmares and panic attacks. I am very happy with this second chance at life and feel blessed.

Don't give up my Friend! Please pass this along to anyone else you know or believe is being abused so they can know they are not alone! There is beauty from the ashes!

God bless! Stay safe!

Mel

Defiled and dang angry about it!

 

I'm horrified and very angry! My child had a break through about memories from her past. I won't go into vivid details about the situations but I was taken aback, though not surprised as it is something I had suspected for many years but could never give credence to as there was no verbal mention of it.

I have no doubt about her honesty about the situations. Too many things fit. Am feeling guilty, mad and so disheartened about this! While I would love to storm over there and take matters into my own hands, this won't help her heal.

This is not the first memory she has had, but the first memory that is on this subject matter. Both of my girls clam up at discussing anything about they're father. So this is BIG!

She asked me not bring this to attorney, GAL or Police.

She is ashamed and embarrassed.

I did reassure her of my love and support, also if she ever decides to file charges I will help her however I can.

My mind is reeling! What if he is or has done this to our other children? My son that lives with him is showered with gifts, could these things be given to him to keep him quiet for sexual abuse as well? I'm distressed by these thoughts. I have no way of finding out. And my other daughter does not recall anything that happened to her. It could be she just doesn't want to or is ready to yet.

A dear friend close to me has experienced similar and was kind enough to provide a shoulder to vent. So now, I wait pray and continue to love my children that's all I can do.

Sorry to end on a somber note. Please keep my children in your prayers and for my ex to be brought to justice, whether by the Thorn of Judgement or here on earth. . .

I pray that if you know someone or think someone is experiencing any type of abuse to PLEASE get them help! Whether to be a shoulder or just an ear to listen.

God bless!

Mel

The Second wife

May 2007

Kat had moved in, she was in a terrible relationship, we had met her from a swinging website. Not wanting to see her dead or worse He asked her to move in. One thing led to another and they were crazy about each other. We had talked about this in the past and I thought we put this behind us. He was getting mean again, playing with my head. Threatening to hurt me, stop taking his pills or turn off the pilot light so we would die in our sleep.

I got dressed fast; I had been in the bathroom. He shut the bedroom door where she was lying in a bed he had purchased for her so she could stay and still have privacy in our home. He yanked and pushed me up the stairs he pulled my hair back as we were walking up the stairs, he was behind me so yes this was very uncomfortable. He pulled it so hard I swore I must have lost chunks of hair. He guided me to the bedroom and once we were there he ordered me to drop my pants.

I was going to get screwed since that was all I was good for. I told him no! He got mad! He grabbed me and shoved my face into the bed, I thought I was going to suffocate! I told him no again and he got madder he shoved some things around the room and left. I stood there for a minute breathless not wanting to move or to cry.

Luckily he only ripped my shirt, I was used to that, I would go through clothing like a growing child. I was nervous because I stood up to him and didn't know his reaction. I tried to act normal but 

Kat knew something had happened.

The kids thought that their father was nice only when she and her girls were around. Our son thought his Dad was a pervert. And he reminded me that his Dad had promised not to hurt me or yell at me anymore. He broke that promise in just a few short weeks.

I was losing my hair (besides the hair getting pulled out), my nails were breaking, and I wasn't feeling good at all. Despite the constant exercise and dieting I felt so worn down and tired all the time.

We talked and he didn't want to lose her, he was in love with her. He did apologize for pulling my hair and ruining another shirt. If I were a good wife why does he need another?

I felt like a failure for not being able to still make things work. I was feeling as though despite the ongoing issues that I was not living up to the vows I had said. It didn't matter that I had lost any type of feelings for him. He said he stumbled and could I please lift him up? We talked more and more.

Kat had left and she didn't come back to the house, Will had left many voice mail messages. Kat said she turned off her phone while she was at her Moms. Later that night I asked him to hold me, he tried but said it was better and more natural when he held her.  My heart felt ripped out. He hoped she would come home.

He asked if there was someone I would like to date. Did I wish to have another man that was OK, considering he had been having others?

This idea was his way to relieve himself of any guilt and to justify his behavior. There was a few guys at work he would ask if I wanted was interested.

I felt devastated, even though I was struggling to rekindle my love for him. I believed this was wrong. I voiced my opposition to this, he would call me jealous. How could this be? 

Two partners a lifelong commitment. Not Adam, Eve and Jennifer or Adam, Eve, Jennifer and Mike, etc. . . 

I asked him to give me time to adjust, I'm having a hard time watch some lady screw my husband, and heaven forbid I leave the room. I kept my eyes closed and just felt my love fade. How could you do that to someone?

I feel fat, like the ugly stepsister, this felt even more wrong. I was more confused.

He keeps bragging about how pretty she is and how I have so many marks on my body. So many things wrong with my appearance. I don't feel like I have anything to offer.

I never make the first move.

I never initiate sex.

I suddenly felt like there was a scoreboard. He calls her all the time... He used to call me. Now he calls and asks to talk to her.

In a sick twisted way I did like to have her around, he's nice when she's here. He doesn't yell or say mean things because he's trying to impress her. The weekend rolled around and his other fiance had went to her parents’ home for a few days.

This left me alone with him. I had figured I would drown my worries in a few wine coolers. I don’t drink that often, so it is not surprising that I am totally wobbly after two of them. His boss had called up to let him know about work for the next day.

When I answered the phone and must have sounded weird, I was chatting too way too much for his liking. He glared at me and gestured to punch me. I quickly handed him the phone while retreating as quick as I could away from arm’s length.

Afterward he said I laughing too much while sounding like an alcoholic on the phone.

It was very rare when I would drink anything at all. He threw his arm back to punch me and that sobered me up really fast.  He's not healed he says a lot of things but he doesn't mean them. I'm the bitch and the one causing problems. This of course was not unusual. It is rare that an abuser takes responsibility or can take things lightly.

A few days later, Kat called him to say that she was going to stay longer at her Mom’s home. Did I mention that she was still in that terrible relationship? I ended up having to “stake out” her boyfriend’s home to see what I could find out. Her car was there.

I phone to let him know the status. I didn't want to be here. This was stupid! I was disappointed to find her car there as I was still hoping in some twisted way that they could get together. After many more issues of me and the kids leaving some other Springer moments, they parted ways, but this was not the last time they had gotten together.

The many faces of abuse

Painting a picture of abuse is as colorful as the a box of crayons. Sadly enough every minute there is a person that is a victim of abuse in some form or way.

Many people are in the dark as to who Domestic/Family/Emotional/Verbal/Sexual  violence or even bullying victims look like.




We are normal, not some Hollyweird picture of someone perhaps on drugs, homeless or drunk. Though some of us end up in those circumstance due to the stress or no where to go.

We are babies, children, Mom's, Grandma's, Aunt's, Uncle's (Don't forget boys and men suffering too!), Grandpa's, or cousin. What about pets? There are sad stories about animals being mistreated as well in the news!

In the women's shelter the wide variety of economic and ethinic backgrounds are across the spectrum of humanity. There were victims and survivors that were abused by daughters, sons, much older children, husband's, boyfriends, and girlfriends.

You may never really know who is a victim or survivor unless they break the silence and come forth to also break the cycle.

The Nice Girl Syndrome

I was at Borders, my favorite book store and yes I am sad to see they are closing! I was checking out the bare bones bookshelf and found "The Nice Girl Syndrome" by Beverly Engel, 10 steps to empowering yourself and ending abuse. Stop being Manipulated and Abused- and start Standing up for Yourself.

WOW! That's me! The back says:

Are you too nice for your own good? Do family members manipulate you? Do co-workers take advantage of you? If this sounds familiar read, The Nice Girl Syndrome.

It talks about those women that become targets or that are more likely to become victimized emotionally, physically and sexually. It shows you tips and how-to's on empowering yourself to break free of these patterns!

Oh! This is for me! I have of course a bookshelf filled with self helps on this that or the other, but for some reason this one screamed out at me. Ok maybe it was the cool picture on the cover, the shoes are adorable!

I know I'm a nice girl. I have been told repeatedly that I'm "too nice". I let people walk all over me and this is not a new thing. I back down from confrontations, I hate to start arguements or to get involved in a fight and am usually the first to walk away.

So over the next few weeks I am giving myself homework from my bookshelf! I'll start out with this book and take you through the next couple of months learning with me about how to break free of the bondage of abuse or to just raise your self esteem. Heaven knows I need all I can get!

So are you ready? Let's go!

Domestic Violence against women

Domestic violence against women: Recognize patterns, seek help
Domestic violence is a serious threat for many women. Know the signs of an abusive relationship and how to leave a dangerous situation. By Mayo Clinic staff

Your partner apologizes and says the hurtful behavior won't happen again — but you fear it will. At times you wonder whether you're imagining the abuse, yet the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing domestic violence.

Recognize domestic violence

Domestic violence — also called domestic abuse, battering or intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Men are sometimes abused by partners, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. Domestic violence can happen in heterosexual or homosexual relationships.
It may not be easy to identify domestic violence at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time.

You may be experiencing domestic violence if you're in a relationship with someone who:

Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
Prevents you from going to work or school
Stops you from seeing family members or friends
Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear
Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
Threatens you with violence or a weapon
Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
You may also be experiencing domestic violence if you're in a lesbian relationship with someone who:
Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
Tells you that authorities won't help a homosexual, bisexual or transgendered person
Tells you that leaving the relationship means you're admitting that homosexual relationships are deviant
Tells you that abuse is a normal part of homosexual relationships or that domestic violence can't occur in homosexual relationships
Justifies abuse by telling you that you're not "really" homosexual, bisexual or transgender
Says women can't be violent
Portrays the violence as mutual and consensual
Depicts the abuse as part of a sadomasochistic activity

Pregnancy, children and domestic violence

Sometimes domestic violence begins — or increases — during pregnancy. During this perilous time, your health and the baby's health are at risk. The danger continues after the baby is born. Even if your child isn't abused, simply witnessing domestic violence can be harmful. Children who grow up in abusive homes are more likely to be abused and have behavioral problems than are other children. As adults, they're more likely to become abusers or think abuse is a normal part of a relationship. You may worry that seeking help will further endanger you and your child or that it may break up your family, but it's the best way to protect your child — and yourself.

Break the cycle
If you're in an abusive situation, you may recognize this pattern:
Your abuser threatens violence.
Your abuser strikes.
Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts.
The cycle repeats itself.
Typically the violence becomes more frequent and severe over time.
The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the greater the toll on your self-esteem. You may become depressed and anxious. You may begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself or wonder if the abuse is your fault. You may feel helpless or paralyzed. If you're in a lesbian relationship, you may be less likely to seek help after an assault if you don't want to disclose your sexual orientation. If you've been sexually assaulted by another woman, you may also fear that you won't be believed. Still, the only way to break the cycle of domestic violence is to take action — and the sooner the better.
Start by telling someone about the abuse, whether it's a friend, relative, doctor or other close contact. At first, you may find it hard to talk about the abuse. But you'll also likely feel relief and receive much-needed support.

Create a safety plan
Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. Consider taking these steps:
Call a women's shelter or domestic violence hotline for advice. Make the call at a safe time — when the abuser is not around — or from a friend's house or other safe location.
Pack an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes and keys. Hide it or leave the bag with a friend or neighbor. Keep important personal papers, money and prescription medications handy so that you can take them with you on short notice.
Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night.
Protect your communication
An abuser may use technology to monitor your telephone and Internet communication and to track your physical location. To maintain your privacy and safety:
Use cordless phones and cell phones cautiously. Your abuser may intercept calls and listen to your conversations. He or she may check your cell phone to see who has called or texted you. Your abuser also may check billing records to see your complete call history.
Use your home computer cautiously. Your abuser may use spyware to monitor your e-mails and the Web sites you visit. Consider using a computer at work, the library or at a friend's house to seek help.
Frequently change your e-mail password. Choose a password that would be impossible for your abuser to guess.
Clear your viewing history. Follow your browser's instructions to clear any record of Web sites or graphics you've viewed.
Where to find help

In an emergency, call 911 — or your local emergency number or your local law enforcement agency. The following resources also can help:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE or 800-799-7233. Call the hotline for crisis intervention and referrals to resources, such as women's shelters.
Your doctor. Doctors and nurses will treat injuries and may refer you to safe housing and other local resources.
A local women's shelter or crisis center. Shelters and crisis centers typically provide 24-hour emergency shelter, as well as advice on legal matters and advocacy and support services.
A counseling or mental health center. Counseling and support groups for women in abusive relationships are available in most communities. Be wary of advice to seek couples or marriage counseling. If violence has escalated to the point that you're afraid, counseling isn't adequate.
A local court. Your district court can help you obtain a restraining order that legally mandates the abuser to stay away from you or face arrest. Local advocates may be available to help guide you through the process.

It can be hard to recognize or admit that you're in an abusive relationship — but help is available. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044