Escaping the past

"I didn't take my meds today, do you really want to make me angry? I'm not kidding, I will bash your face in when I get home. *CLICK* "

As the hours would go by my stomach would turn in knots as time crept by until he arrived home. I felt like a child waiting for his parent to come home for a spanking after being caught doing something. More often than not, I was in trouble for not calling someone he asked me to or paying a bill. Nothing earth shatter. Though my children and I lived in a continual cycle of trying to please a person that could never be pleased.

I would never go back to someone that has any unstablity issues. I will not allow myself to go back.

If you have been with me on my journey thank you for reading. I don't post as often as I had in years past for numerous reasons. The most important reason is that I really want to move on. I want to shake the past from my bones and forget about it. I don't wish to be defined by my past, yet I don't wish to have my story fade away. I'm still not out of the dark. I still receive messages from my ex with sweet nothings and proclaiming his undying love for me. Which is very creepy as we are now almost to the 6 year anniversary of leaving.

I can't get past the physical scars my body holds both seen and unseen. Of course there is the special present of HPV and HSV2 that I have, a constant reminder of the past. There is a special birthday on November 17th that does not go by without me thinking of my eldest Son that I haven't seen in the past 5 years, phone calls I have made to him briefly are one sided and usually are followed up by nasty text messages about how horrible I am/was.

I know in my heart of hearts this isn't true. No I am not perfect but nor am I a monster that my ex has created. The damage is far beyond just a few names. I linger onto hope that someday my Son and I will be able to talk and see one another without me fearing my safety.

How can someone be so taken with another person so seemingly blindly?
The cold splash of reality is that my ex buys love. He is a sweet talker. He was profiled by a counselor as "Ted Bundy".

The thought of him abusing (sexually or otherwise) is still a thought. I may never know.  It's horrible to think that way but knowing what he did to our daughter, I have no doubts.

I think I can walk away from the past but sometimes it seems like a hug from a person you don't like very much and there is no way to run away from it. That's kind of how I feel, there is no escaping the past. Granted it's "Not in your face" anymore and for this I am thankful and I am not meaning to sound whiney.

I have the privilege of having victims and friends of those in abusive situations contact me. Most are just wanting to bend an ear, to see if they are making the right decision to consider leaving or maybe have a thought they are being abused but perhaps maybe it's all in their minds.

Every situation of abuse is different. You can not compare my experiences to yours. Each one is unique, some are more verbal, or emotional or sexual or physical. Many of the same behavioral patterns of these "Gaslighters", "Narcissist" or whatever you want to call them are similar! More often then not, it may seem like abusers maybe related!

Dear blog reader, whatever stage of abuse you are in, please know you are not alone! Whether you are a Man, Woman, old, young, white, black, or what have you, abuse has not boundaries! You can break free of the bondage of abuse. Take the steps to keep yourself safe.

Those first few weeks after I left, I have to admit that I was terrified. Scared he would find me, (he did) and more afraid I wouldn't make it on my own. (I did!!) I listened to dozens of break up songs- "I'm a Survivor" blaring on my radio, watching movies like "Enough" "Sleeping with the Enemy" and "The Burning bed" fueled my resolve that I in all honesty I wish I were stronger or well trained to take the SOB down.

I fantasized about that, knowing deep down it's not for me to do. He will be judged someday and I had to search myself rather then live in fear and just think of getting even that I needed to restore my spirit and build up my kids to know everything was going to work out and I am still a work in progress.

It's not easy. Myself and dear friends have battled with the insanity of not only an ex but our legal system that can swing to the way of the abuser if you are not careful! This means covering your behind! Document! Document! Document any and all conversations you have, whether text, email or voice mails.

I suggest not replying back if you can help it but gauge it by situation. Example, if your ex states he needs to change your visitation day, sure reply. But if conversation starts going south STOP replying! Don't antagonize your abuser by making nasty remarks, this could backfire on you in court or with legal authorities! Be the bigger person! Besides you aren't with this person anymore and do not need to be at his/her beck and call anymore!

Depending on your situation look into a Guardian ad Litem, which is an Advocate for your children and this person can be a value to you!

The legal system can be very rough. Things may not turn as you thought they may so prepare yourself, educate yourself about your states or countries laws. Learning all I could to help me, made me feel empowered and to some degree control.

Take time to rebuild yourself now, not later! Steps can be as small as Positive Affirmations, counseling or maybe a large step to go back to school! (See blog post on Positive Affirmations)

You CAN do this!

Everytime I wonder about my path, I look back and will soon have a day of rememberance when I left my abuser for the final and last time upcoming on Feburary 25th, which was Ash Wednesday in 2009. I hate to call it a time of celebration or anniversary. Rememberance fits better. So, when I find myself wanting to run from my past I think about that time of escape. The fear leading up to that day and the intensity of emotions I was going through. Time seemed to stand still and that appeared to be the longest day that I can think of. I have contact from other survivors or abusers and that serves as a reminder that I need to embrace my past. Not try to relive it, but that I have learned alot from it, which in turn my story has helped others still locked in a place of distress, sadness and worry. My story is here to let others know they are not alone and that they count!

So Dear blog reader, whether this is the first time your read my blog, please keep faith and know you matter! If you need to talk to someone please call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (800)799-7233 or (800)787-3224 TTY.

Now for my news! I try not to post too much about personal things going on in our live for safety reasons.(My ex and Son read my blog)

My family and I will be hitting the road travelling through the US in a few short years in hopes to go where we are needed; I hope to speak out against Domestic Abuse and meet other advocates I have met during my journey, also to help others for various organizations, or farmers or whereever the good Lord plants us. We will be travelling in a school bus in which my handy Hubby is in process of remodeling!

We are all very excited! I have a countdown going on and we are purging our belongings, as there is not alot of room in a bus! So stay tuned for news about our adventures! Honestly, 6 years ago I would have never thought I would be in the place of bliss I am right now. So, please don't give up hope! It can happen for you!

BIG HUGS and PRAYERS!

Mel

Dirty little secrets~ WARNING EXPLICT!

18+ Explict!

Domestic/Family/Child Abuse of any kind is a dirty little secret that is in many ways shameful to those living through this. You feel ashamed that it can happen to you. You feel ashamed that you didn't do enough to stop it or you rack your brain on how you could have not set him/her off. You may have closed your eyes to the abuse if it was happening to your children. Thinking that things will improve and wishing with all your might that it will disappear.

I look at those tiny faces and see my shame. Shame for not standing up and shouting to anyone that would listen. Pretending we were a happy family,when our home life was filled with dread, anger and fear. A peek of our dirty little secret would sometimes surface at family gatherings, work situations or public outings.

My Gaslighter liked to make sure he did not leave a mark or harming us in spots that were not commonly exposed.

I have many dirty little secrets. Some I have shared and many I have not. I was angered to find out early on that STBX decided to open the closet to our secrets about things that should not have been aired and he twisted them to suit his needs. I could have shouted at the top of my lungs about things about him. But I didn't.

Do not take my silence or kindness as weakness.

We were swingers. His choice not mine. I would excuse myself during these encounters, leaving to escape to check on the kids. I would say I heard someone calling me. (these happened late after they were in bed) I did things that I admit I fantasied about at some point in my life. Once these things were in front of me (literally) I knew it wasn't right for me, it went against my growing faith. It replused me. I would try to close off my mind as I did when I was getting hit. I would pretend I was someone else or watching a movie.

Intrigued and wishful for him to consume someone else's energy and spirit, I complied. I did so under protest many, many times. I cried many times afterwards. I would take a shower, scrubbing my skin until it was raw. I couldn't seem to get the smell off of me. I felt dirty. I felt like a whore. Alone he couldn't get a date or whatever you want to call it. With me as the bait we could have any couple/person. I hated this.

He cheated on me many times. He would tell me to call for "strange *ussy", I would take a list of women's numbers or emails and do the rounds, looking for a date for him for the night. After sometime I was happy he was not into me. I dreaded sex with him. He was demanding, forceful, critical and harsh. Any tenderness tended to be shortlived. 

I hoped one of these encounters would end in a new love for him. In 2007 I left for the first time due to the abuse, tired of the sex demands, tired of being nothing more to him then a punching bag. Tired of the threats of harming/killing the kids. I came back, yes I did! I believed his words of regret and promises of change. And I have to admit the first 2 weeks back together it was awesome! It was though a new life had taken over. He was helpful, doting, kind and humorous. Kind to the kids and he actually was playing with them. That ended on the 3rd week when Kat moved in. She needed a place to go as she was in a fight and thrown out of her house she shared with her BF. I argued that this isn't good and NO! We were on the mend!

He said you know I always wanted another woman, another wife... I was crushed. I had no choice... He became mean again, but worse. At one point during the next 3 weeks, he pushed me down the stairs, threated to kill me if I did not sleep with them at night in our bed. Said he would kill one of the kids if I did not participate in relations with them. I lost it! I became defiant! I opened my mouth and let words come out that I would never dare before.

I started to plan to leave again. I did it slowly and left after a month with the kids. I did go back a second time, once again I felt sorry for him. He asked Kat to leave, but I found out later they had relations before she left. He felt sorry for her and it was for old times sake. She came back into our lives a few more times. He would go to her place instead of bringing her home. He finally broke it off after he found her with another man. I laughed my butt off! Karma is a bitch!

2008 was not as physical but there were constant mind games, threats and when he did get physical it was more aimed at more cruelty and harm. Especially towards the 2 older kids. He threatened them if they told he would harm them further or he would never talk to them again. At the end of 2008 I had enough (that's another blog in the archives), I left in Feb 2009. I gained my independence on the 25th. I'm hoping to gain peace of mind from this broken marriage before the end of the year.

I'm not that innocent:

In 2000 I fell into pornography. I watched porn for pleasure, for a yearning in my heart for closeness I no longer felt for him.I longed for a real love. Someone to want me, someone to need me and not want to change me. I wanted to feel beautiful if it was only for a night or a few hours. I wanted to be enough for someone as I never felt as I was enough for him.

I loathed myself. I can't call a kettle black now can I?

I would stop watching but felt a pull in my head again. And then when I had a chance I would be at the computer again.I would pop in a video. I had a problem. Even though I was watching things I did not like to do, the enticement to do things was so strong. I didn't understand! I didn't like women! Why can't I stop watching?! I resolved to stop, I had to get on my knees and pray for strength from God. I would go back to start if R wanted to look for a female or couple because the sites we were a member of was filled with images that would draw me in again. I was intoxicated with the lust and imagery.

I let myself go and give in to them. I started email and IM conversations with other men and some women. Teasing and making plans to see them. Heck, R, already thought I was doing it so why not give him so truth to it. He didn't believe me anyway! I didn't follow through. I chatted online through IM's and got swept away in the good feelings I was getting from these people. Promises of real romance, dinner, to take care of me and the kids.

As much as I fought it, I seemed drawn back. Like a tickle in your throat you can't get rid of. I was revolted with myself.

Deviant!

I knew these things were not love. The porn was not love, not real or not tangible. The people I was chatting with? No they only wanted one thing. The turning point came when a few of the people dropped in on me at the antique shop we ran. I panicked! A guy knew about R and didn't care, we had flirted and talked for over a year. He was tired of waiting. A woman dropped in. I was stunned again. She promised to take care of me and she would help me. I had to explain my way out of how I knew these people, (they stopped at different times of the year) as well as asking these people never to come back again. That put fear in my heart. What if those situations ended badly?! What if one of them were a rapist? Or stalker? I had enough troubles and did not need more.

I am a terrible liar so he knew something was up. I never told him about those, my dirty little secrets. He didn't know I had a porn problem, I turned into a sex junkie, but I wasn't into actually following through. I realize now that I was cheating. I was cheating on my marriage by watching these things, by putting myself out there to have an affair with others. I hated myself. I wanted to be loved so badly!

I had begged God for forgiveness more times then I can count. He took me back each time. I slipped here and there. I would again cry out to God to redeem me, to cleanse me, to give me strength and to fill that love I so badly felt I needed.

I slip now. I have to be big enough to get off the computer. I need to hang up on those that I was in contact with before or not answer their email/IM. Or if I see them on the street I walk the other way.  There is a Bible verse that one needs to flee temptation. And another that tells that you should repent quickly if you give in.  I have someone in my life for the first time that is real.

I left R again later in the fall of 2007, at that time I found out I was positive for HSV2. I was angry! I was so mad. Mad at myself for allowing the swinging. There was nothing I could have done about the affairs he had, but I could have left as soon as I found out. I coulda, woulda, shoulda myself to pieces. I count my blessings we did not end up with AIDS or something else. No, HSV2 is not curable. I have outbreaks under stress. HA! The trick is to try to stay stress free. I am on meds and have not had an outbreak in sometime. I do get tested for other diseases just in case. I am depressed, getting much better, due to wonderful friends and family.

I don't trust anymore. I don't trust me either. I know that is a bad thing. I don't want to self analyze, over analyze or self destruct any relationships I have by not trusting or blowing things out of proportion. ( I tend to do that and I am a bit intiutive so that doesn't help)

I am not perfect
I am not a Maytr
I am not super woman
I don't feel worthy of any praise or compliments

I'm not that innocent...

A moment of madness

Repost from 1/22/2009 a little over a month before I left my STBX.

I have pondered over the past year and half why I'm still here. Now I'm taking action! I have to make copies of bills next week and send them off to a friend to hold onto until I'm ready to go for the gusto.
He's being sweet as pie, though there are a few moments of madness that peek out. Whether he yells at the kids or sternly reminds me of my place (women are to be lead by their husbands, according to the Bible, seen not heard). 

He's one of those that can dish it out but can't take it. He's only 2 wayed me 3 times today. I called him 2 times because I would never hear the end of it tonite if I didn't. I don't say I love you anymore. The words have lost all meaning to me. I've told and prayed to release all the resentment I have towards him for the many years of hurt. The continuance of hurt...

I haven't left yet because without his insurance I'm screwed, I did get a refill of my meds for the HSV2. I got this gift from the 3 some we had with another woman, something he had a fantasy about which led to finding out she was involved with a few other persons on the side. Sheesh! It was a mess. I've come to terms with this, I'm more upset that I didn't stay gone, I took him back. I should have kicked his ass to the curb, but I felt guilty, I'm a sucker for a sob story! He's not going to take his life, he's too much of a drama queen. He continues to control my mind and emotions as much as he can. Telling me no other will love me like he does, I'm his alone, got it. I was made for him sent together by God. Maybe once... But not now. God doesn't want a messed up relationship like this. God doesn't want the up's and down's. God doesn't want us to be miserable! He wants what's best for me and my children. I pray God will fix R... I can't... Nor do I want to keep going like this.

I am just tired... Do I have a job after I leave? No. Do I have a place to run to? My sister has opened up her home to me and the kiddos! She has also offered to put the payment down to get the divorce started. I want to be free of no one timing me to see how long it takes till I'm home. I want to be able to go on the computer without someone wondering if I'm online talking to men or women (I'm not!) I haven't cheated.  I don't meet anyone for quickies here at the shop (my hubby runs an antique mall and I mind the store while he's gone). I am really looking forward to doing things with my kids, board games, walks, spur of the moment types of things.

R has tried to change, he's gotten involved in church ( I think his thinking of the head of household is a little warped though). He isn't a drinker, thank heavens! But he's only taking one pill in his med. He is mentally upstable and now he thinks he can do it on his own. Couseling? HA! He'll find something wrong with the person.  Everyone is against him. He's so paranoid! I don't love him, I find myself getting my stomach in a knot having to tell him I do love him (that's after he's insisting). I can't tell him I'm leaving or he will lock me in a room and not allow me to leave until I change my mind about leaving and loving him. He'll cry he will take his life! He's told the kids that we will never get the house he will burn it down before that happens. If they choose to live with me he will never talk to them again. My 13 year old is ok with that, but my 10 and 9 year old were devastated. Despite them knowing we need to leave they were crushed! He has told them because they fight and don't get along Mom will divorce me ( like it's their fault).

I need to leave soon! I am playing it cool a little longer I can't let him know! He's construction so work is slow and not all the time yet. I have to call the Atty and find out once we pay the $ how soon do I get financials and so on. I have to make sure to take my Avon checkbook so he doesn't leave me with nothing. I have heard that he has to pay me maintenance until the divorce is final! Oh that was music to my ears! I was so worried! I would like to wait a few more weeks at least until tax return time. Which we need to get done soon!

I've wrote a book! I'm keeping it cool and trying to be patient. I have to go and check on customers. Keep us in your prayers!