Escaping the past

"I didn't take my meds today, do you really want to make me angry? I'm not kidding, I will bash your face in when I get home. *CLICK* "

As the hours would go by my stomach would turn in knots as time crept by until he arrived home. I felt like a child waiting for his parent to come home for a spanking after being caught doing something. More often than not, I was in trouble for not calling someone he asked me to or paying a bill. Nothing earth shatter. Though my children and I lived in a continual cycle of trying to please a person that could never be pleased.

I would never go back to someone that has any unstablity issues. I will not allow myself to go back.

If you have been with me on my journey thank you for reading. I don't post as often as I had in years past for numerous reasons. The most important reason is that I really want to move on. I want to shake the past from my bones and forget about it. I don't wish to be defined by my past, yet I don't wish to have my story fade away. I'm still not out of the dark. I still receive messages from my ex with sweet nothings and proclaiming his undying love for me. Which is very creepy as we are now almost to the 6 year anniversary of leaving.

I can't get past the physical scars my body holds both seen and unseen. Of course there is the special present of HPV and HSV2 that I have, a constant reminder of the past. There is a special birthday on November 17th that does not go by without me thinking of my eldest Son that I haven't seen in the past 5 years, phone calls I have made to him briefly are one sided and usually are followed up by nasty text messages about how horrible I am/was.

I know in my heart of hearts this isn't true. No I am not perfect but nor am I a monster that my ex has created. The damage is far beyond just a few names. I linger onto hope that someday my Son and I will be able to talk and see one another without me fearing my safety.

How can someone be so taken with another person so seemingly blindly?
The cold splash of reality is that my ex buys love. He is a sweet talker. He was profiled by a counselor as "Ted Bundy".

The thought of him abusing (sexually or otherwise) is still a thought. I may never know.  It's horrible to think that way but knowing what he did to our daughter, I have no doubts.

I think I can walk away from the past but sometimes it seems like a hug from a person you don't like very much and there is no way to run away from it. That's kind of how I feel, there is no escaping the past. Granted it's "Not in your face" anymore and for this I am thankful and I am not meaning to sound whiney.

I have the privilege of having victims and friends of those in abusive situations contact me. Most are just wanting to bend an ear, to see if they are making the right decision to consider leaving or maybe have a thought they are being abused but perhaps maybe it's all in their minds.

Every situation of abuse is different. You can not compare my experiences to yours. Each one is unique, some are more verbal, or emotional or sexual or physical. Many of the same behavioral patterns of these "Gaslighters", "Narcissist" or whatever you want to call them are similar! More often then not, it may seem like abusers maybe related!

Dear blog reader, whatever stage of abuse you are in, please know you are not alone! Whether you are a Man, Woman, old, young, white, black, or what have you, abuse has not boundaries! You can break free of the bondage of abuse. Take the steps to keep yourself safe.

Those first few weeks after I left, I have to admit that I was terrified. Scared he would find me, (he did) and more afraid I wouldn't make it on my own. (I did!!) I listened to dozens of break up songs- "I'm a Survivor" blaring on my radio, watching movies like "Enough" "Sleeping with the Enemy" and "The Burning bed" fueled my resolve that I in all honesty I wish I were stronger or well trained to take the SOB down.

I fantasized about that, knowing deep down it's not for me to do. He will be judged someday and I had to search myself rather then live in fear and just think of getting even that I needed to restore my spirit and build up my kids to know everything was going to work out and I am still a work in progress.

It's not easy. Myself and dear friends have battled with the insanity of not only an ex but our legal system that can swing to the way of the abuser if you are not careful! This means covering your behind! Document! Document! Document any and all conversations you have, whether text, email or voice mails.

I suggest not replying back if you can help it but gauge it by situation. Example, if your ex states he needs to change your visitation day, sure reply. But if conversation starts going south STOP replying! Don't antagonize your abuser by making nasty remarks, this could backfire on you in court or with legal authorities! Be the bigger person! Besides you aren't with this person anymore and do not need to be at his/her beck and call anymore!

Depending on your situation look into a Guardian ad Litem, which is an Advocate for your children and this person can be a value to you!

The legal system can be very rough. Things may not turn as you thought they may so prepare yourself, educate yourself about your states or countries laws. Learning all I could to help me, made me feel empowered and to some degree control.

Take time to rebuild yourself now, not later! Steps can be as small as Positive Affirmations, counseling or maybe a large step to go back to school! (See blog post on Positive Affirmations)

You CAN do this!

Everytime I wonder about my path, I look back and will soon have a day of rememberance when I left my abuser for the final and last time upcoming on Feburary 25th, which was Ash Wednesday in 2009. I hate to call it a time of celebration or anniversary. Rememberance fits better. So, when I find myself wanting to run from my past I think about that time of escape. The fear leading up to that day and the intensity of emotions I was going through. Time seemed to stand still and that appeared to be the longest day that I can think of. I have contact from other survivors or abusers and that serves as a reminder that I need to embrace my past. Not try to relive it, but that I have learned alot from it, which in turn my story has helped others still locked in a place of distress, sadness and worry. My story is here to let others know they are not alone and that they count!

So Dear blog reader, whether this is the first time your read my blog, please keep faith and know you matter! If you need to talk to someone please call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (800)799-7233 or (800)787-3224 TTY.

Now for my news! I try not to post too much about personal things going on in our live for safety reasons.(My ex and Son read my blog)

My family and I will be hitting the road travelling through the US in a few short years in hopes to go where we are needed; I hope to speak out against Domestic Abuse and meet other advocates I have met during my journey, also to help others for various organizations, or farmers or whereever the good Lord plants us. We will be travelling in a school bus in which my handy Hubby is in process of remodeling!

We are all very excited! I have a countdown going on and we are purging our belongings, as there is not alot of room in a bus! So stay tuned for news about our adventures! Honestly, 6 years ago I would have never thought I would be in the place of bliss I am right now. So, please don't give up hope! It can happen for you!

BIG HUGS and PRAYERS!

Mel