A little about me

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks

This title sounds terrible! I don't know what else to call it.
The chapter on my marriage to my abuser I consider closed. In reality, my thoughts, dreams and sometimes paranoia run away with me. I foolishly had a thought that with the end of the marriage my bad dreams and other things would vanish. Like Houdini, waving a magic wand... **POOF!** All the feelings of sadness, grief, pain and panic would be gone!

In the real world, these feelings linger for time. How much time is depending on each person and how ever long you were in a relationship with the person that tormented you. No matter, if it was verbal, mental, emotional, physical or sexual, it all takes time to heal.

I'm terribly impatient, I want it over now! Even when I'm in the foggy feeling of losing it due to a panic attack, do I get super frustrated and angry with myself for getting so worked up. And in my head I'm mad that my abuser still has some sort of lasting control that I break down to a breathless, teary-eyed, puddle of goo.

More so lately, I seemed to lose myself in a moment of memories. I seemed to get catapulted to a time when I was still with my ex (gosh I like that!). For some reason, whatever the trigger, I get lost in a blink of an eye. I can smell, hear and feel the raw emotion of past times. There are times when I look over at Terry laying in bed and for a brief moment I feel a panicky feeling that if I look too long he turns into my ex.

If I hear someone with a Nextel or a certain chirp on their phone I look around and feel twitterpatted that it's my ex calling or near me. I see a car that looks like his or a person that from afar looks like him and I feel like my body can't move. Like a deer in headlights.

I don't know when these feelings will leave me. I know my children experience some of similar things. Loud noises and yelling (very rare around here) cause us all to jump out of our skin. I know there are things counselors use. But to tell the truth, I get all panicky about having to go and relive all the memories again. I feel I can do that on my own with no problem! I can take myself back and recall some pretty nasty times.

4 years ago if you would have asked me where I would be today, I would have responded, "In a hole somewhere, in the middle of some lonely spot." I know in my heart, as do many of my family and friends that I would not have survived that marriage longer. Terry and I talked about that the other night. He told me to stop talking about that, he doesn't like that picture. I agree, but the truth of the matter is I would not have survived.

But I did! I got my kids out of there. Though I am sadden by my son's decision to go back to his dad. I almost feel haunted by the decisions I made. I don't question the choice to leave! Oh, Heaven's NO!
I also know that if I didn't decide to do things the way I did, there would be an alternate story to the one I'm in now. I, in some ways, feel as though I'm living a fairy tale. My past is so surreal that it's hard to believe we lived how we did. Survival mode always turned on. Even in the good times!

I want nothing for good things to come from all of this:
1) My son to come to realize that I miss the heck out of him and long to give him a hug again.
2) The girls get some big brother time again. I know they miss him!
3) My ex gets some sort of treatment and help. I pray for the woman that he ends up with!
4) The kids and me finally find an end to feeling scared, panicky and worried about my ex.
5) Someday my ex will have a good, safe relationship with the girls.

I haven't been alone with my ex since Sept 2009. Prior to that, he put his hands on me anytime he could. I don't trust him. I don't feel we can have him over or a bbq anytime soon. Not that we would! The address here is private. That does give me some comfort. In a old voice mail from June, my ex rattle on that I shouldn't blab about our relationship to everyone if I don't want it to get back to him. Funny thing is I haven't. I found out a few people from my old shop (antique store) still read this blog and they were able to make they're own decision about him based on what truth they read. As well as the personal experiences each of them had with my ex.

I'm sitting here shaking my head. Happy to be out and sad to think I am still hiding in some ways. Afraid to go out or announce things about me personally because he may find out where we are or where we live. I don't think I can ever let my guard down. So why I should be happily making wedding plans I have been getting lost in the past more frequently of the late. Not sure why. I needed this! Thank you Dear reader for listening to me rant and rave! All in all I'm forever grateful we are safe, we are loved and we are not alone...

I implore you to leave if you are in a difficult situation that is life threatening or harmful to your well being! Please don't worry about the house or the things in it. Leave with your life! Screw the possessions you can get new things. They are just things! You are not replaceable! Tell someone, call the police, find a shelter if need be, but get to safety!

Many prayers for you with whatever decision you choose to make with your life or the lives of your children/pets. No man/woman is worth risking your life or sanity with the promises that they will change. Please check out my other posts on Safety or Leaving your abuser!

FINALLY, remember you are not alone! God bless!


Sunday, July 15, 2012

Yea, that's me the single gal YIPPEE!

Now, I got to tell you that it is so weird to say that I'm divorced. Oh, technically the paperwork is not done in court yet, but boy does it feel GOOD!

Did I gush before that a major weight feels as though it is gone?! While the threat of our personal safety is still a high priority, I am savoring this feeling. I relish the thoughts of being unattached. While Terry is so trusting and kind there is no worries that I won't just start bar hopping or sporting a sleeve of tats (mind you if that's your lifestyle I am not bashing it, that is just not me).

My sister, Amanda, made a comment to me while over a few days back, "Doesn't it feel good to take your time and not have to worry about coming home fast?". It did! I can browse at a store for hours if I want. Terry doesn't mind. He TRUSTS me. In a "normal" relationship you "CAN" have that! Honest!

Now the good, the bad and the ugly part of this whole big circus is:
The Good- It's over! And though it took so dang long. God had a plan to keep us safe. Heaven's to Betsy (Yes I really do talk this way, I cleaned up the potty talk many years ago, though in the passion of a nasty card game or when I'm with my sisters I have been known to toss some old habits freely about. That I'm not proud of but I'm working on it!) I moaned and whined about how long the process took. I truly believe that if it were a quick divorce court officials would not have been alerted about how unstable my Ex is (I love the sound of that "Ex"!)

The Bad- The continued abuse (physical up until the end of Aug 2009 and the mind games which was last played in June 2012 before court)

The Ugly- The kids being used (not unusual). It burns my buns that he could give a rats bum about the kids but he will not give up Parental rights just to mess with me. That's the control thing he wants to keep over me. Of course, let's not forget the dark obsession this man has for me.

I was alerted recently about my Ex asking a favor of someone. They blew him off and were kind enough to caution me to be careful. I consider this part of the bad that hangs around me from time to time like knowing you have a pimple threatening to poke out from you nose any minute. Or a cat ready to pounce on it's prey.

So Dear blog reader! I hope you have gleaned some information from me that has kept you safe or perhaps that gives you a strange bit of comfort that you are not alone! There are thousands of women, men or children out there that are currently being abused in some form. If you are one of them, please make the jump to leave. It is scary! It's hard and it is tough! But staying is tougher.

Staying in a relationship that is toxic is not healthy! It is can also be the last relationship you ever have with anyone. Want "More" from your life. Want "More" for your family! Abuse of any kind is NOT normal!

Staying with your abuser because of the house (buying or renting) is not an excuse. Staying with the person abusing your child(ren) is only giving your abuser someone else to control and harm.

Check out my past entries on Safety planning or Safety! Tell someone about the abuse! Press charges! Leave a paper trail! Keep a journal or log of the events. Remember a small percentage of people that leave they're abusers end up in abusive relationships again. So please listen to your gut! Pay attention to the warning signs! Don't end up with another loser!

I'm sure you know by now if you have followed this blog, that I am a Christian. God has kept the kids and I safe through some nasty things. I won't preach to you, but remember that God loves you. Pray for answers or for God to give you the knowledge of when the right time to leave is if you are having trouble. Pray for him to allow people that can help you enter your life. Of course God isn't a Waiter taking your order but He is there for you.

Stay safe! Stay strong! Remember you are worthy of so much! Don't give up or give in! Your abuser will get away with abusing you as long as you let him/her. Break the silence.