Advice from Survivors of Abuse

I can not believe it has been 9 years as of tomorrow since I left my abuser. There are times it feels as though it was just yesterday. It may seem to others that I am just living in the past by sharing some sad events in our life. Now I can look at these memories without tears, nightmares and anxiety.

I don't feel that I'm in bondage over my past. It is what it is. I've made peace. I'm not the same person I was when I first started on this journey. 

Sharing has not only saved me from a dark place and time, but showing my vulnerability has helped others know they aren't alone. That wasn't my initial thought when doing this. Perhaps it was a bit of revenge.

I've mentioned this before, there are times when I just thought to stop blogging, sharing, and to let it go of the past.

After leaving I didn't always do the right thing. I put myself in dangerous situations several times. I didn't always say the right thing. Thoughts that my life was so messed up how the heck can I support or share with others? And I'm still trying to heal myself, how can I give advice?

Then, 'SNAP!' like a rubber band, I am brought back to earth by someone who is close to me. They know my story and find themselves in a situation of love where someone they know is a victim. 

I can feel the Lord is looking down wagging his finger, and saying, "See here,Woman! This is part of my plan, quit your belly aching and reach out to others."

After pouting a bit thinking a bit about this I push these things aside and help out.

I share a bit about me. I don't go into deep details, but let the other person know they aren't alone. I include this blog as well so they can come and see I'm not some creepy person. I do provide my phone number if they wish to chat instead. 

I was there once. 

I get it. 

It can be frustrating now that I'm on the other side to try to help and I feel helpless. 9 years later gives me a HUGE prospective that I didn't have. 

Surrendering and allowing some vulnerability to show does not mean you are weak. Doing so can be scary. You may have built a wall around your heart and have a hard time with trust.  Lowering that wall doesn't mean you can't do anything alone. This gives you a chance to ask for help and for others to serve you by your sharing. 

I've asked several Survivors what advice would they share with a victim trapped in an abusive situation.

These answers are courageous, raw, loving and speak the truth. I hope they both speak to you and help you on your journey.

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Dana advises; "I really like to leave the abuse behind me. I don't want to keep it in the forefront of my life, because I can't truly be free, if I keep dragging around that kind of baggage. I guess that's what my advice would be... let it go. Look out the windshield, not the rear view mirror."

Vanessa shared that she was a young woman of 17. Her abuser broke her ribs, bit her and more. He was sentenced to 7 years in prison.

She states,"I know how amazing it feels to know that we survived it and can encourage and help others to walk away when they don’t see the need to."

This recently hit home as a woman she knows was recently killed due to domestic violence.
"For those still trapped in abuse it’s a hard place to be every different phase of the abuse is different also. If I had gotten out early enough I could’ve walked away and stayed away. Physical abuse was just with mental abuse and then it turned into him not letting me leave his side even to go to the bathroom and having three locks on the door."

Vanessa's advice; "For someone that is in abuse in the beginning stages I always encourage to listen to their friends and when their friends say he’s a control freak or mention how they have changed since meeting him. For those in the middle I encourage to ask for your friends to find a domestic violence shelter so that you that can get counseling and not feel like you’re alone. Abusers main mental abuse is making you feel unwanted and that you’re nothing without them. In the last phase when it is the worst and you’re mentally and physically not able to leave I would advise doing your best to get out because it only gets worse. Even if the threat is like my friend and you end up dying if you don’t get out you’re going to die anyways."

She further adds, "At the end of the day I know that every time I the see signs that someone is in an abusive relationship, I am the first to make sure I start a conversation with them. Another survivor turned into my best friend after I had strong feelings that she was in an abusive relationship. I told her my story and read some of the police report so that she knew that I could relate. She ended that relationship and we have been best friends ever since."

I mentioned to her that it seems like abusers read out of the same playbook, she replied; "I agree they’re already been the same playbook the same exact Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3. It never gets better it always gets worse. It always starts with finding a woman that is having a hard time in their life and giving them comfort. You might also notice that the woman they choose are always sad from a recently ended a relationship with somebody else for someone that has just gone through something extremely emotional and are just not thinking straight when their abuser walks up to them and tries to be the Prince Charming."

Vanessa ends with a reminder, "You are not alone. These men are evil. No matter how many times they say they’re sorry, they will continually do it until you run away. I felt like I was alone without him because that is what he put in my head but all the women out there we are in this together around every corner is someone that’s been abused let others help you live the life that God wanted for you."

"Hello, I'm Brianna and I left my abuser on September 10th 2014. I didn't choose to leave before that because he kept on telling me that I couldn't survive without him. He was the one that made the money. Well it was all lies! Abusers will feed your head with a bunch of lies to tear you down but know that you are strong and you are stronger than words."

She adds; "Words may hurt, but your strength can overcome any words that he could say. Sure, it's hard at first but once you start seeing how much you can do on your own and that every step you make is to prove to him that you can do it and you can be happy again!"

Toni suggests the following:

*If you can and have means to get out of the situation leave the abuser.
*Never stay with the abuser just because you have kids together!
*If the abuser has just started, your heart and mind will tell you enough is enough.
*Get into some sort of counseling even it it's with your Pastor.
*Create and use your support system of family and friends.
*Know you aren't alone. Find a support group with those who have been in your situation.
*Have a plan to execute and leave!
*This is not your fault, don't be blame yourself!
*Never give up faith and hope even on the darkest days.
*When you leave it'll be hard but be strong. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward.  Don't go back!
*Look up resources in your area you can utilize for help, "Crisis Center, etc..."

Maggie says, "I think that is important is to practice self love. When you love yourself I think you quickly recognise when someone isn't treating you with love and respect. When you love yourself it's easier to walk away from those who don't treat you right."

Kristy encourages, "It’s easy to stop hearing your own inner voice in the echoes of the fears, the lies, and the what-ifs. Everybody has the ability to listen to their intuition, though, and it is hardly ever wrong. When you are in an abusive relationship it is easy to mute your intuition, but your intuition is a powerful ally as to the awakenings of the truths and the next steps. If it were easy, nobody would be in negative situations. Just as you have to tend to a flower, you have to tend to your own soul – nobody else will do it.  You make the decision to grow or stop growing. I hope you unsilenced your intuition and choose to start blooming. ~Kristy Robinett – www.kristyrobinett.com

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I hope you found words of support, comfort, and reminder that you are not alone.

Stay safe! 

If you need immediate assistance please visit The Hotline or call your local authorities.

Much love and BIG HUGS,

Mel

P.S. - 
Abuse has no prejudice. It affects all races, ages and genders.

Men are also victims of abuse. It is under reported by males trapped in this situation for fear of ridicule and shame. 

Brushing the dust from my knees

I lay curled in a protective pose, trying to shield my head and midsection from the assault that seemed to be over taking me.Terror that filled my bones, my stomach was in knots, I sobbed uncontrollably begging my attacker to please stop. 

I begged for mercy.

I sucked in my breath as the blows to my body, feeling light headed and wishing for death.

I prayed for God to just take me. To end the tirade that seemed to be lasting for hours, but in fact was over in less than a few minutes.

I was hit with sweat and spittle from my abuser as he screamed about how useless I was. That I was a stupid *unt! 

My head hurt, my body ached, I felt myself urinate on myself. I hoped he didn't notice. . .

Too late! He laughed and sneered with disgust at me. He ranted that I was a disgusting pig! He stopped in mid kick. He backed away, muttering under his breath about what a waste of flesh I was and shaking his head. 

He barked to me to get my ass off the floor, clean myself up and I better not have to go to the hospital or else. He yelled that it was my fault anyway and he would deny anything if it came to that.

My breathing was labored. I prayed I wasn't seriously hurt. I brushed myself off, found some clean clothes and was further instructed to take care of dinner.

I made haste and nearly fell down the stairs from our bedroom that was on the 2nd floor, to the sinister smile of my abuser waiting at the bottom of the stairs with open arms to say he was sorry he got out of hand. He made a pouty face and said an almost shy apology. 

He grabbed my hand and pulled me close to hold me. I felt repulsed and dead inside. Confused, hurt and still dazed by the events that had just taken place. I didn't understand why God was letting this happen to me or the kids.

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I felt as though I had floated in and out of that former life. Feeling as though another person had taken my place during times of painful episodes. Not believing there would be anything else that awaited me in the future except a coffin. I saw death by the hand of my abuser or from my own hand as I slumped in a deep depression, unsure of what to do next with my circumstances. I blamed myself. I blamed God. 

I walked about in a nervous fog. I dreamed of happiness. Fantasized of a life of happiness. No drama or violence. Even after chatting with a intuitive friend, Kristy, who advised me that she was worried that I would not survive the upcoming year. My heart knew she saw wasn't far from the truth. I needed to run. I couldn't stay in this crazed relationship any longer. 

Fast forward 5+ years later! 

God never gave up on me and provided the right opportunity to escape. My life now is still a roller coaster. My recent Order of Protection has been granted for no contact with my ex. Though I highly believe he is emailing my daughter, and believe he is pretending to be my older son. 

The girls are happier. Terry and I are best friends. I have been able to grow as a person. Heal and laugh again! That former life and me seems like it is a hundred years away. Helping my daughter from the sexual abuse she suffered is slow and I am not pushing her to relive those events. I have advised her we need to have a counselor or perhaps she needs to discuss with peers someday when she is ready. 

I'm writing as a reminder to others "stuck" you can break free of abuse. No, everything is not perfect. I still am on guard and watch over my shoulder. We don't receive regular child support payments. And there are still nightmares and panic attacks. I am very happy with this second chance at life and feel blessed.

Don't give up my Friend! Please pass this along to anyone else you know or believe is being abused so they can know they are not alone! There is beauty from the ashes!

God bless! Stay safe!

Mel

Life after abuse

From time to time I view other blogs and websites about abuse. I find it hard not to feel sucked into darkness of my life about my past.

The past does not define you. Your past makes who you are now. Getting wrapped up in writing my book brings back to what was a surreal life there once was. The craziness of living with someone that is abusive.

I could ramble on a list of mental illness labels to call him, Narcissist, Gaslighter, Borderline, blah, blah, blah. . .

He was abusive. That's it. No special label needed.

God has this wonderful choice of Freewill. He knows between good and bad. He chose his moods and his actions most times before he walked in the door from a day at work. The experiences one goes through is amazingly similar. That's what gets me. No matter whose story or book about they're experiences with an abuser, the story is almost the same.

Paste your face here.

It's almost annoying and scary at how similar in the situations we are. I have discussed this with others that are victims or survivors about the "Playbook" that all abusers seem to use.

No matter what point in your journey you are in, please know you are walking a path from many other survivors and victims have walked before you. There are those that wish to keep silent and stay in the relationship of abuse and they feel as though there is no hope. Then there are those such as  very strong people- Leslie, Kristy, and Joanie. You may not know who they are, but they have made profound impact on me. They have reached out for friendship, sharing they're stories privately about what they endured in past relationship. I am in awe of the strength, the grace and brushing off the shadows of abuse and they are each putting a face on abuse.

Kristy is a well renown Author, life coach and Medium- www.tangledwishes.com .

Leslie and Joanie are two women that have left very abusive relationships after years of suffering in silence from abuse. There are several more that have contacted me over the years, looking for advice for son's, daughters, in-laws, parents or even co-workers.

Dear Blog reader, your not alone! Your experiences whether they are verbal, sexual, mental or physical are real!

I can't tell you how or when to leave. You will just know. There will come a time when enough is enough. No amount of pleading from others involved will get a victim to leave the abuse. Sad to say something may have to happen to the victim or someone close to her or him, in order for that person to leave.

A wake up call.

Where your abuser has a choice to victimize, you also have a choice to stay a victim.

You can have a really good life, but you need to have faith and believe. Does it take time to heal? Yes! Even after 5 years there are still bumps and little glitches that I need to contend with, whether it is a nightmare, anxiety attack or just a reaction that is programmed from my past.

April is Child Abuse awareness month. If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse please get help! Or listen, be a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen.

Stay safe Dear Reader!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Is your life worth more then a toaster?

I have talked with men and women that amaze me. I'm talking I'm floored that out of 10 people 6 stay because they don't want the abuser to get stuff or the house or car, etc. . .

Seriously!?

Is your life worth the toaster? How about your other "things"?

As hard as it is to swallow these things can be REPLACED! YOU can NOT be!

I admit to wonder how terrible a person must be suffering if they are staying in any sort of abusive relationship due to things. I can understand staying for fear, hope that he/she will change or worries over no place to live, or lack of money. But to stay because you don't want that so and so to get the house or the car. What are you thinking?!

Abuse is a serious matter. If you are living in fear. LEAVE with your dignity and LIFE!

Now, if you are staying in an abusive relationship because you are fearful or worried that you can't because of no money or what will everyone think. Consider those victims that have lost they're lives. The most dangerous time is right after you leave. Not to scare you, but the abuser thrives on making a victim continue to be a victim. They don't care about the silverware, they don't care about the kids. Most Gaslighters/Narcs care about them and them alone!

You have to be ready to make the jump, when you know it's time. No one can make you leave. No one can tell you to leave unless your ready. I can and have talked until I have been blue in the face to victims and until they are ready they stay. Something "has" to happen to make the victim say "Enough is enough". Sadly, this can be at the dangerous cost to the lives of the victim or victim's child(ren) or pet.

After you gather your courage to finally leave and not come back or allow him/her to come back. You will cry, get angry at yourself and abuser, or depression. Don't feel bad if you need to reach out for professional help! Do what you can to get yourself help for support or just to vent.

Contact a shelter, clergy person, friend or medical professional to help. Depending on the situation consider strongly contacting the local law enforcement about your plans of leaving or let them know of the situation so they can patrol your area. That is what they are paid to do! You are not bothering them! File police reports! File protective orders for you and your child(ren).

Take EVERY threat seriously. Keep every text, IM, email, VM or letter from your abuser for legal purposes. Leave a paper trail! Make copies and entrust a friend or family member of your situation.
Don't go anywhere alone or without telling someone where you are going.

If you are doing parental visit do so at a public location. Alert the police and ask them to sit or patrol the area. Be safe! You have to be 2 steps ahead of your abuser. Be situational aware at all times. Even if you are just checking the mailbox or walking in a parking lot.

If you have kids with your abuser, please let the school/teachers know what is going on. Bring them copies of Protective orders. Do what you have to do to keep yourself and your children safe! (pets)

Look online for youtube videos on Self defense or find out if your community is offering a class in safety. If you are using pepper spray, gun, stun gun or some other type of item to protect yourself find information on how to properly use the item or you may have to find out if you need to be licensed to carry some protective items.

Remember you are worthy of a safe life! You are not a dumb person nor are you stupid. You can have a great life that is safe. I won't lie about my life. I'm very cautious and have to be. I value the lives of my children and myself.

Stay safe Dear blog reader! If you are being abuse please get help or if you know someone that is being abuse be a shoulder, lift them up so they know they are not alone. Contact local law enforcement or shelters on information to find a safe place or for legal help.

God bless!

Mel

*** What am I doing now? Well, above I saved my pennies and finally got to meet some online friends from MI and one I have not seen in ages (Kristy) I'm in the red! The incredible ladies and famous Nancie, Kristy Robinett, Mary and the Sparkle gals pictured here. It was for the Gypsy Soul Retreat. The next one is in the beginning of 2014. I would like to go again!http://www.gypsysoulretreats.com/

I have recently taken a Reflexology seminar that made me look inwardly and begin to embrace my inner strength. I hope to incorporate this into my Doula business. I'm still doing Antique and vintage sales, hoping to reach out to the public about DV and abuse. Attempting to write my story but I can't seem to get the words on paper. SIGH! I'm still growing in my Christian walk, gardening, crafting, learning about herbs and edibles from the yard for eating and medicinal uses, enjoying chickens, honey bees, guinea fowl, ducks and learning about homesteading. I'm hoping to learn more about energy work as well! Enough about me! Dear blog reader I hope you can someday have a "Happily ever after". . .

Positive thoughts and affirmations!

It can be easy to slip right back into old habits or patterns once you have left your abuser. 

Sometimes these things just sneak up on you! 

Beating yourself up about these setbacks can really make you out of sorts. 

 Changing your triggers or patterns is work. 

Take baby steps and if you fall pick yourself back up.

Get yourself out of the house or try to focus on something positive.

I am a firm believer in trying something new or out of the box that may be something you have always been curious about or to do. 

Such as, taking up a hobby, traveling, or just doing something for you. 

Pray or meditate or do both. Create a Vision Board (Wish board). Start saying Positive Affirmations. Find Bible quotes that can lift you up! 

Tape yourself saying positive affirmations or Bible verses, play these when you need to remind you that you are worthy! 

Here is a neat list of affirmations and positive thoughts-

Kristy Robinett- http://www.kristyrobinett.com/

Give yourself permission to keep boundaries. Not just today, but everyday.

Peace doesn't mean silence, but finding that calmness within even when their is chaos around you.

Be gentle with yourself.

Faith begins with trust and trust begins with a hope. Hope in the unseen and of things to come, faith tells you.

 

Today my world is changing for the better. I open my awareness to my shifting reality. I allow my intuition to guide my actions to day with trust that I am guided toward my highest good.

Never be ashamed of the scars that life has left you with. A scar means the hurt is over, you endured the pain and God has healed you.

Beating yourself up over the past won't change it, now will it?

Morning Meditation-  Silence in your life is just as important as hydrating yourself with water. It is an essential in keeping your soul and spirit healthy. When was the last time you allowed your mind to wander and daydream? Today, even for just 5 minutes, allow in the silence. Shut everything off (TV, radio, net), etc and drink it in.

My possibilities are endless. I believe in myself and in my abilities. My mind is constantly producing money-making ideas. I expect great things to happen every day. My subconscious mind is my partner in success. I am brave.

www.BlogTalkRadio.com/christina-lunden

I know now I AM the creator of my life.

I create a balance between my family's needs and my personal needs.

I create a balanced, healthy body.

I create a balance between my work life and my personal life.

I create a perfect balance of money flowing into and out of my life.

I create a balance between my Earth life and my spiritual life.

I AM consciously creating all aspects of my life.

I AM relaxed in my created life, knowing what I have in my life are my choices.

As I choose to create something different, I remember I have the power to create and re-create at any time.

I AM the creator of my life!

http://www.abundancetapestry.com/101-affirmations-for-children/

101 Affirmations for Children
1. I can do whatever I focus my mind on.
2. I am awesome.
3. I am very intelligent.
4. I am a fast learner.
5. I am worthy.
6. I deeply love and accept myself.
7. I enjoy learning.
8. Learning is fun and exciting.
9. I understand the lessons taught in school completely and quickly.
10. I believe in myself and my abilities.
11. While I appreciate details, I am able to also see the big picture in things.
12. I have many gifts and talents.
13. I learn from my challenges and can always find ways to overcome them.
14. I am open to possibility.
15. I embrace my fears fully and calmly.
16. I make like-minded friends easily and naturally.
17. I am healthy and am growing up well.
18. I have persistence in what I believe in.
19. Miracles happen to me all the time.
20. I am very creative.
21. Ideas for problem solving come easily and quickly to me.
22. I am a great listener.
23. My family, friends and teachers love me for who I am.
24. I am unique and special.
25. Opportunities come to me in good time.
26. I may make mistakes sometimes but I choose to learn from them.
27. I accept myself even though I sometimes make mistakes.
28. Every day and in every way, I get better and better.
29. My intuition guides me in what I do.
30. I am calm, relaxed and peaceful.
31. I am always in the right place at the right time.
32. I enjoy being, feeling and thinking positive.
33. Problems challenge me to better myself in every way.
34. I trust myself in making great decisions.
35. I am loving kindness to all.
36. I do my best in my work and tasks.
37. I am present.
38. I trust in my ability to solve problems.
39. I enjoy my own company.
40. I accept compliments graciously and openly.
41. I am whole and complete.
42. I enjoy trying new ideas.
43. I embrace changes in peaceful, harmonious and positive ways.
44. I believe I can be whatever I want to be.
45. I can visualize very well.
46. I am vibrant and have lots of energy.
47. I am divinely protected.
48. I am kind, generous and loving.
49. I complete my school work on time every day.
50. I am deserving of love, trust and kindness.
51. I achieve great and successful results.
52. I am brave.
53. I experience beauty wherever I go.
54. I have got an awesome imagination.
55. I am able to solve problems creatively.
56. All is well in the world.
57. I am thankful for my blessings.
58. I have a healthy relationship with my teachers.
59. I choose to forgive all others for any mistakes they have done.
60. I feel confident and secure.
61. I enjoy letting events unfold in good time.
62. I have loving, positive and happy thoughts.
63. I express my ideas easily.
64. I am courageous even when things are unknown to me.
65. I reach my goals easily.
66. I am in charge of my own life.
67. I enjoy playing games with my friends.
68. I am gentle with myself.
69. I have many friends who like being near me.
70. The trees, flowers and birds are my friends.
71. I radiate love and compassion.
72. Miracles happen to me every day.
73. I am on my way to creating great wealth.
74. I am excellent in languages.
75. I am quick and accurate with Mathematics.
76. I am able to analyze and see clearly for problem solving.
77. I read, write and learn fast.
78. I absorb knowledge like a sponge and am able to apply what I have learnt.
79. I do my best for my studies.
80. I am attentive in class.
81. I am a natural in _________ (sports).
82. I am on top of my classes.
83. I enjoy challenging myself in new ideas, possibilities and directions.
84. I am a winner!
85. I turn failures into opportunities for success.
86. I handle all my responsibilities and tasks well.
87. I enjoy eating healthy snacks.
88. I love my body.
89. I am honest and trustworthy.
90. I choose to look for the best way forward for myself.
91. I am able to understand and solve complex problem sums or questions easily.
92. I enjoy experiencing life in multiple ways.
93. I love being healthy!
94. I manage my time well.
95. I like being punctual.
96. I enjoy having habits that will help me have a happy, healthy and successful life.
97. I listen to my gut or inner wisdom closely.
98. I am able to easily draw inspiration from nature and life.
99. I believe in my dreams.
100. I have an excellent memory.
101. I am Me, and I am Okay! (Words quoted from Self Esteem Poem by Psychologist Virginia Satir. Featured in my How to Love Yourself post here).

List of Positive Words

http://www.scribd.com/doc/4097251/A-to-Z-of-Positive-Words

Don't forget to check out the labels for other ideas for Positive Affirmations/Vision Boards!

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel