So he was normal when you met him?!

 OK, the question of the past year and months is, "Was he like this before you married him?" or "If he was like this why did you marry him?"

It starts subtly. Yes, I was young. I just turned 16 years old. Remember that age? You know it all? You have the world at your feet and feel invincible?

You brush off the warning signs, the bells that go off in your head. You chalk every one's comments to not understanding how you feel about him/her.

My family and friends saw it and I did too in small ways, but I just blew it off. Then when I really started to worry it was too late. At least that's how I saw it.

I believed him.

If you have stayed with me and read many of my posts, I apologize for sounding like a broken record.
He threatened to take the life of my sisters and parents. After a time he threatened to commit suicide. I stayed. Oh, he would be better! It was like a winding road, from one mile to the next mile, each turn twisting and then straightening out. Going around the bend and then starting all over again. Our weeks and months were like that. Soon it just becomes normal.

I stopped questioning the relationship between us. Kids came into the picture. I longed for the type of relationship I had seen in some new found friendships I had forged through my MOMS Club that I started when my second daughter was bit old.

I envied those. In my head I saw them all happy, normal and together lovingly.

I found out later many have they're own secrets and issues. No relationship is perfect. Everyone has some skeleton in the closet they hide from others. From binging on food, to sexual issues to addictions or abuse. No one is perfect or immune to difficulties.

I stayed because I really wanted it to work. Many in my family had broken marriages or relationships so I wanted to be the one that really stayed through thick and thin.

I couldn't do it. I felt as though I was losing my mind. I had built up both a fake facade for the public and for home. Only to drop my shield when I was alone with the kids or by myself. I cried and cried. I longed for stability. I cried to God because I questioned if this was how the rest of my life was to be?

Married to a sex addict,closet bisexual, abusive, food addict, shop-a-holic, labeled by a doctor with Borderline personality disorder, Intermittent Explosive disorder, Psychotic, depressed, anxieties, Anti-social disorder, Narcissistic and control freak? Yes that was him.

I wanted normal in and out of the bedroom. I wanted normal in and out of the house. I wanted normal for the kids. I wanted them to be kids and not have to hide or run when Dad came home. I wanted to be loved for me and not made into some trophy wife.

There came a time where I was driven to thoughts of suicide myself. At the urging of my STBX of course. I thought I was going insane. I thought I was the reason for the breakdown of us. I thought if I would be a "Good girl" and not "Cause him to get angry" it would be OK. I would try my darnedest to watch everything I said and did. Walking not beside him but behind him. A submissive wife. Yielding to his every whim and desire. Taking away my dignity and self respect in the process, until I felt as though I was just a shell.

Those close to me could tell immediately the change when he was around me. I went to smiling to bleak and mousy. Looking down all the time. Someone said it looked as though I was in a panic for no reason at all.

Of course there is no real normal, but a happy place where things can be very satisfying and brings joy, not fear. Love and not hatred. Happy and not longing for another life.

Dirty little secrets~ WARNING EXPLICT!

18+ Explict!

Domestic/Family/Child Abuse of any kind is a dirty little secret that is in many ways shameful to those living through this. You feel ashamed that it can happen to you. You feel ashamed that you didn't do enough to stop it or you rack your brain on how you could have not set him/her off. You may have closed your eyes to the abuse if it was happening to your children. Thinking that things will improve and wishing with all your might that it will disappear.

I look at those tiny faces and see my shame. Shame for not standing up and shouting to anyone that would listen. Pretending we were a happy family,when our home life was filled with dread, anger and fear. A peek of our dirty little secret would sometimes surface at family gatherings, work situations or public outings.

My Gaslighter liked to make sure he did not leave a mark or harming us in spots that were not commonly exposed.

I have many dirty little secrets. Some I have shared and many I have not. I was angered to find out early on that STBX decided to open the closet to our secrets about things that should not have been aired and he twisted them to suit his needs. I could have shouted at the top of my lungs about things about him. But I didn't.

Do not take my silence or kindness as weakness.

We were swingers. His choice not mine. I would excuse myself during these encounters, leaving to escape to check on the kids. I would say I heard someone calling me. (these happened late after they were in bed) I did things that I admit I fantasied about at some point in my life. Once these things were in front of me (literally) I knew it wasn't right for me, it went against my growing faith. It replused me. I would try to close off my mind as I did when I was getting hit. I would pretend I was someone else or watching a movie.

Intrigued and wishful for him to consume someone else's energy and spirit, I complied. I did so under protest many, many times. I cried many times afterwards. I would take a shower, scrubbing my skin until it was raw. I couldn't seem to get the smell off of me. I felt dirty. I felt like a whore. Alone he couldn't get a date or whatever you want to call it. With me as the bait we could have any couple/person. I hated this.

He cheated on me many times. He would tell me to call for "strange *ussy", I would take a list of women's numbers or emails and do the rounds, looking for a date for him for the night. After sometime I was happy he was not into me. I dreaded sex with him. He was demanding, forceful, critical and harsh. Any tenderness tended to be shortlived. 

I hoped one of these encounters would end in a new love for him. In 2007 I left for the first time due to the abuse, tired of the sex demands, tired of being nothing more to him then a punching bag. Tired of the threats of harming/killing the kids. I came back, yes I did! I believed his words of regret and promises of change. And I have to admit the first 2 weeks back together it was awesome! It was though a new life had taken over. He was helpful, doting, kind and humorous. Kind to the kids and he actually was playing with them. That ended on the 3rd week when Kat moved in. She needed a place to go as she was in a fight and thrown out of her house she shared with her BF. I argued that this isn't good and NO! We were on the mend!

He said you know I always wanted another woman, another wife... I was crushed. I had no choice... He became mean again, but worse. At one point during the next 3 weeks, he pushed me down the stairs, threated to kill me if I did not sleep with them at night in our bed. Said he would kill one of the kids if I did not participate in relations with them. I lost it! I became defiant! I opened my mouth and let words come out that I would never dare before.

I started to plan to leave again. I did it slowly and left after a month with the kids. I did go back a second time, once again I felt sorry for him. He asked Kat to leave, but I found out later they had relations before she left. He felt sorry for her and it was for old times sake. She came back into our lives a few more times. He would go to her place instead of bringing her home. He finally broke it off after he found her with another man. I laughed my butt off! Karma is a bitch!

2008 was not as physical but there were constant mind games, threats and when he did get physical it was more aimed at more cruelty and harm. Especially towards the 2 older kids. He threatened them if they told he would harm them further or he would never talk to them again. At the end of 2008 I had enough (that's another blog in the archives), I left in Feb 2009. I gained my independence on the 25th. I'm hoping to gain peace of mind from this broken marriage before the end of the year.

I'm not that innocent:

In 2000 I fell into pornography. I watched porn for pleasure, for a yearning in my heart for closeness I no longer felt for him.I longed for a real love. Someone to want me, someone to need me and not want to change me. I wanted to feel beautiful if it was only for a night or a few hours. I wanted to be enough for someone as I never felt as I was enough for him.

I loathed myself. I can't call a kettle black now can I?

I would stop watching but felt a pull in my head again. And then when I had a chance I would be at the computer again.I would pop in a video. I had a problem. Even though I was watching things I did not like to do, the enticement to do things was so strong. I didn't understand! I didn't like women! Why can't I stop watching?! I resolved to stop, I had to get on my knees and pray for strength from God. I would go back to start if R wanted to look for a female or couple because the sites we were a member of was filled with images that would draw me in again. I was intoxicated with the lust and imagery.

I let myself go and give in to them. I started email and IM conversations with other men and some women. Teasing and making plans to see them. Heck, R, already thought I was doing it so why not give him so truth to it. He didn't believe me anyway! I didn't follow through. I chatted online through IM's and got swept away in the good feelings I was getting from these people. Promises of real romance, dinner, to take care of me and the kids.

As much as I fought it, I seemed drawn back. Like a tickle in your throat you can't get rid of. I was revolted with myself.

Deviant!

I knew these things were not love. The porn was not love, not real or not tangible. The people I was chatting with? No they only wanted one thing. The turning point came when a few of the people dropped in on me at the antique shop we ran. I panicked! A guy knew about R and didn't care, we had flirted and talked for over a year. He was tired of waiting. A woman dropped in. I was stunned again. She promised to take care of me and she would help me. I had to explain my way out of how I knew these people, (they stopped at different times of the year) as well as asking these people never to come back again. That put fear in my heart. What if those situations ended badly?! What if one of them were a rapist? Or stalker? I had enough troubles and did not need more.

I am a terrible liar so he knew something was up. I never told him about those, my dirty little secrets. He didn't know I had a porn problem, I turned into a sex junkie, but I wasn't into actually following through. I realize now that I was cheating. I was cheating on my marriage by watching these things, by putting myself out there to have an affair with others. I hated myself. I wanted to be loved so badly!

I had begged God for forgiveness more times then I can count. He took me back each time. I slipped here and there. I would again cry out to God to redeem me, to cleanse me, to give me strength and to fill that love I so badly felt I needed.

I slip now. I have to be big enough to get off the computer. I need to hang up on those that I was in contact with before or not answer their email/IM. Or if I see them on the street I walk the other way.  There is a Bible verse that one needs to flee temptation. And another that tells that you should repent quickly if you give in.  I have someone in my life for the first time that is real.

I left R again later in the fall of 2007, at that time I found out I was positive for HSV2. I was angry! I was so mad. Mad at myself for allowing the swinging. There was nothing I could have done about the affairs he had, but I could have left as soon as I found out. I coulda, woulda, shoulda myself to pieces. I count my blessings we did not end up with AIDS or something else. No, HSV2 is not curable. I have outbreaks under stress. HA! The trick is to try to stay stress free. I am on meds and have not had an outbreak in sometime. I do get tested for other diseases just in case. I am depressed, getting much better, due to wonderful friends and family.

I don't trust anymore. I don't trust me either. I know that is a bad thing. I don't want to self analyze, over analyze or self destruct any relationships I have by not trusting or blowing things out of proportion. ( I tend to do that and I am a bit intiutive so that doesn't help)

I am not perfect
I am not a Maytr
I am not super woman
I don't feel worthy of any praise or compliments

I'm not that innocent...

I am reminded...

There’s a girl sitting alone on a park swing, children are playing all around her. Kids whiz by as if she is invisible, in her mind she wishes she were. Two girls and one boy stop in front of her, smiling smugly, the young girl steels herself, “Wait for it…” she thinks in her mind, “Your ugly!” screams the two girls loudly and they laugh with the boy in two pointing and giving high fives to one another. A tear rolls down the young girl’s cheek…

Later walking home at a snails pace she finally reaches her destination, home. Home is where her Mother calls her fat and stupid. Home is where her Father comforts her in a way she is not supposed to tell anyone about.

A very well groomed woman with a high powered job, seeming to have it all in her named brand clothes and fancy car. At home she has a husband and baby waiting. Her husband has a Meth habit; he has become someone she doesn’t even know. He waits for her not for hugs and kisses but to tear her purse apart looking for money for his new love that his dealer supplies for thousands. They are so far in debt; her husband has hocked everything but what meager belongings she has she leaves at work. She puts on her we are the perfect family face. Her child is at home crying, her 9 month old baby is wearing a diaper she had put on before she left for work, it is filled so badly it hangs in a soggy smelly mess. The small hungry tear stained face looks up at her from his crib, they can’t afford daycare and she has no one else to leave the child with.

It’s morning and a man stumbles into the shower, grabs a bite to eat and rushes out the door. He’s heading the cancer ward at the University where is wife of 55 years is fighting for her life. She is all he ever had and the future looks bleak. He was told the day before he was losing his life partner and he doesn’t know what he is going to do. He has depleted all of their retirement, he had part time job that he lost last month due to the economy.

Pastor and his Deacon have had to have words as some members have concerns about bruises on the Deacon’s wife face and they’re children from time to time. He dismisses it as clumsiness. The family has a good reputation of participating in all the functions at church, they bake casseroles. Never miss a Sunday. Members have noticed for years the wife is quiet and mousy, the children are skittish, the Deacon has been known to blow his top.  At home he runs a tight ship with his fists. He has a porn addiction makes his wife do things that he had seen on the web. He spews words from his mouth at his children and wife to bring them to tears. He threatens them not to tell or else!

I could go on and on with thousands of situations. I am brought to tears sometimes hearing about kids that are bullied, kids that parents do not care about except to collect a government check monthly. Parents that should be loving they’re children but home is not safe for the child.

You see people or talk to them daily and things are not as they seem. You may think you have it bad. Walk in someone else’s shoes. There is more to life then heading to the bar or club.

What can you do? Care about someone else for a change. Listen, be a shoulder for another, find out what you can do in your community. Be an answer to someone’s prayer.

I am reminded that we are at war! We are losing or they injured they are somebody’s brother, son, husband, wife, daughter, while they are fighting our freedom!

 I am reminded of a recent story in Israel where a family was slaughtered.

I am reminded that tonight a parent is crying because he/she has a child that was abducted or missing and that child will not be home tonight.

I am reminded of a strong lady that has the task of telling a parent or relative that their child that was missing will never come home.

I am reminded of a family that has a young child that is close to death and was recently brought to the States for help and hope.

I am reminded of a few moms suffering with domestic violence.

I am reminded of a older woman that has been bed ridden ravaged by cancer, and her caretakers are family that yell and beat her when she wets her bed.

I am reminded of a couple that is hooked on crack and they are pregnant with twins and the woman has no plans on stopping. 

I am reminded of a adorable little boy that has a few physical issues but is a sweet kid that other children are bullying.

I am reminded of children that are 12 years old and becoming mothers when they should be playing tag.

I am reminded of the young child in desperate need of a transplant.

I am reminded of a boy that has it all but is in trouble with police for under age drinking and a few other things because he feels unloved.

I am reminded of a family that seems to have it all but the father is seeing another woman and beating on his kids.

I am reminded of a mom that is struggling to meet ends meet and she longs to have full custody of her children. She works over 18 hours a week to make a meager $300 total.  Her out of work ex-husband keeps taking her to court for child support for they’re 3 children.  He takes her to court out of spite.

I am reminded of the natural disasters, thousands of lives gone and the terrible economy.

I am reminded of the world around me daily. These are just a few of the things I am reminded of that have actually occurred over the past few months personally or from a friend of a friend. People I keep in my prayers and these are just a few.

I would love to stay in my bubble of bliss. I would love to shut out the nasty world around me and my family. I would love to keep out the evil. I would love to have a solution. I want to be part of a greater good, through prayer and just being there for anyone I can. I want to make a difference, even if it is for just one person. Not to toot my own horn or for my glory, but to show I am a caring human being also especially for glory to God. Not for bells or whistles.

I thank God for my problems they remind me how good I do have it…

A note to the GAL...

A note sent from my sister in law to the GAL. Names have been changed for legal purposes...

GAL,

My name is S. I am the sister of  R and the Aunt of M, J and A. Many months ago I was asked to contact you on the behalf of the children, but all of my attempts went unanswered. I figured that meant you didn't need my input. Well, I have just heard that you are siding with R in this matter and was forced to write to you, whether or not you want to read it.

Where shall I start? R is four years younger than I am and nine years younger that my sister. When did I learn that there was something wrong with him? One day we were rough playing in the back yard as children will. He was no more that 5. I usually let him win at most everything, but that day he landed flat on his back and got the wind knocked out of him. His eyes got big as he was clearly terrified. When he could breathe again he told me that if I ever did anything like that to him again, they would never find my body. Yes, I said he was 5. That was when it all started. Perhaps sooner, but being just a kid, maybe I didn't see it before that. A short time later, when R started going to school for the whole day, our mother got a job. As a result, we were left alone at home in the afternoons until our dad came home. (He was a tradesman and started very early and as a result was home first.) That hour or so became the most horrific time in my life. Especially once he started to get bigger than me. For years he would torment me. It was verbal at first, but the bigger he got, the bolder he got. Soon the violence began. His favorite trick was to take something that he knew I held dear and throw it out into the three feet of snow in the front yard. As soon as I ran out after it, he would lock me out. No shoes, no coat. Luckily for me we had a VERY nice elderly couple for neighbors and she always let me stay with her.

Where was our sister in all of this? Well she was older. She got a job downtown as part of a work study program when she was 16 (that makes me 11 and Rob 7). After that she was never really around.

I don't know if you have any siblings, but I loved my brother and hated him at the same time. That ended the day he escalated to weapons. When I came out of my room before our parents were home, he chased me around the house with knives. Big sharp ones. That was the day I stopped being conflicted.

Where were our parents? They didn't believe me. Until some years later when he got bolder. My Grandmother lived with us for a time and he even got brazen enough to hit on her! Once I remember my Dad chasing him because he deserves a good smack. Don't think he caught him though. Mom still didn't really believe. Now a days she says she believes, but he is always gonna be her little baby boy.

When he learned to drive, he would go around terrorizing the neighborhood. One day, someone had just gotten a new appliance so the giant box was sitting on the curb for trash day. He plowed right into it deliberately. He did not know that the homeowner had put the old appliance in the box and it became a several hundred pound projectile and nearly killed the kid playing in his own yard. R thought that was hysterically funny. So my parents took his car away and hid it on him. Then out came the Hyde in him. Swearing, threatening, destroying, hitting, and on and on. One time he was so bad, that I had to call my Uncle (federal special agent) to come over. R was pretty big at the time, but he got put down and cuffed by his own uncle!

Now R could turn on the charm better than any psychopath ever. He got himself a young girlfriend who wanted out of her own bad situation. When exactly he began to show her the other side I do not know. But I know what followed. Verbal and physical abuse to his wife and then eventually to the children. Before they were married, my mother, sister and I all sat Melinda down and tried to tell her what he was like. In the end, she said that she understood, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Now ask her about that day and she has a very different opinion.

For the details on what happened in his house to his family, you should talk to Melinda. But I can hit some of the highlights over the years.

He felt a transit bus cut him off in traffic so he came screaming around and cut the bus off so that it had to stop and then he got out with a hammer or tire iron or something like that, and smashed in the door of the bus while screaming at the driver and ordering him to come out so he could beat him up. Luckily the cops were able to take him away first.

That was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to his seething rage.

R has always felt that he was entitled to anything he wanted and the world and everyone in it owes him something. After he got married, they stayed with my parents for quite a while because he had made my parents give him the down payment on a house. He then tore the house to pieces and practically gutted the entire thing. God only know how much my parents had to pay to get it back into a livable condition. (More on his intense love for destruction, especially of houses, later if you would like to know.) He would also break into my parents house any time he wanted and steal tools from my Dad and food and whatever else he decided was his. So much so that when my parents finally got up the nerve to say something about it, he did this great "You never loved me or wanted me to have anything" episode where he brought back to them so much stuff that he had stolen that it filled one side of a two car garage. And he did that so that they would then have to move everything before they could park there. That was a pretty big project for them at the time as they were getting on a bit. Please feel free to have a chat with my parents about any and all of this. But I digress...

For years Melinda had tried to get up the courage to take the kids and leave him to stop all of the insanity, but it took her a while. When she finally did, my parents and I were VERY supportive of her. We helped her all we could. Unfortunately she ended up going back that first time. In order to coax her into returning, R checked himself into a psychiatric facility for evaluation. After a few days, they called me to discuss his condition. They said that R had told them to talk to me because I don't take or give any bullshit. I found that strange, but while I was talking to them I asked if they knew that everything he said was calculated to some end of his own devices. They told me that he wasn't fooling them even a little bit because they were experts on people that only say what they think the doctors want to hear. I then asked if it would be alright for them to tell me with what they had diagnosed him. They said sure, I was immediate family and she started rattling off a list of disorders, syndromes and tendencies so long that I couldn't keep up when writing them down. After the first 5 or so I just listened with my mouth hanging open. You should try to get a look at those records.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention the religious fanaticism he apparently "found" while he was in the hospital. Suddenly he starts rambling on how God is now talking to him directly and telling him what to do and what will happen. He took to typing out dozens of pages of ranting with religion, profanity and rage all rolled up into one. I have a copy of some of them if you would like to see them.

When he left that facility, it was with a prescription for meds to help with his manic - depression and bi-polar diagnoses. He took the pills for a little while and then stopped because they interfered with his ability to have sex three times a day. Soon everything was back to as bad as ever.

After some time, she tried to leave with the kids again. Well, let's just say that the third time was the one that stuck. She had all three kids and they were very relieved to be away from him and everything he put them through on a daily basis.

Now came summer vacation and she took the kids back to his house during the days when she worked because there were other kids and a yard there. She came for them at night to take them home. That clearly indicated to us that a reasonable custody/visitation schedule could be reached. R took this opportunity to do as much damage and brain washing as he could. A is young and everyone who knows her will tell you that she is in her own little world, but it is OK because they know her there. J sees the unvarnished world through the skeptical eyes of a middle child. She has always been very aware of everything that goes on around her and is forever trying to keep the peace. But then there is M.

M has spent his whole life wanting just one thing. To make his father love him. He spent years trying to figure out some way into R's heart and all he ever got was shot down. Perhaps and example...M had some good news to tell his father. I don't remember if it was a good grade or something else, but everyone was there including my parents and I when R came home. M was called downstairs to tell his good news in front of us all. So, beaming, he told him. Then he goes to have a hug with his father and R smacks him on the behind and yells at him because he stinks. And he wanted to know why M had forgotten to put his deodorant on that day. And why doesn't he do what his father told him to do. The boy was crushed and mortified. After all, he had just started wearing deodorant and had probably forgotten in all of the excitement.  And as of that moment, he started to change. He took the who gives a crap attitude because he had to in self defense. Soon after that he started fighting at school.

When R started the deliberate brainwashing began on M all he had to do was pay him some attention and reward the desired behavior. Soon he had convinced M that his mother was the one responsible for destroying the family and that she was just evil and God wanted her destroyed. He told him he would be doing God's work if he stabbed his mother in her sleep one night. It was around then that R requested a letter from a judge stating that if M ended up having to kill his mother that he couldn't be held responsible. I can only imagine that his lawyer at the time discouraged it. Shortly thereafter, M started a fire in the apartment in which he and his sisters and mother were living. I believe the intention was to get them kicked out so they would have no choice but to go back home to Dad. Let's not forget the day that his backpack was searched and they found knives. I don't know if they were the same kind his father used to use on me, but I do know there was more than one.

Let me take this moment to insert Terry into the picture. I believe that Melinda's meeting Terry was the thing that gave her the courage to finally leave R for good. Just to be clear, Terry did not enter the picture until after Melinda's first two attempts to get away. Nevertheless, R jumped right onto the "this is the guy who broke up our family" mode with M. He trained M to hate him. You will here some fabricated story about how Terry is a child abuser or the likes. This all stems from the day that M pulled a knife on his mother while Terry was in the room. Terry proceeded to push him away from her and take the knife. The fact that R thinks that is child abuse may be why he does not recognize all of the abuse he perpetrated upon his own kids. It was decided that since M was trying to kill his mother, that he should go back to live with his father. I understand the necessity of the move, but fear it was that event that has undone M for good. A short time later, M sucker punched Terry in the lobby of the county courthouse. The guards were witnesses.

Melinda had tried from the beginning to get R to let her go, but he would not and will not have any of it. You see, R is entitled to anything he wants and God will ensure that he gets everything that he is supposed to. She has asked him for child support and to be left alone. He is not interested. God has told him that once she is done making her mistakes she will be back and all will be as it was. He has refused for more than a year to simply let her go.

I am sure you can get a list of the lawyers that have represented R throughout this process. They will all tell you that he is nuts and that is ultimately why they no longer represent him. He is totally self centered and extremely pompous. He goes around threatening Melinda, Terry, Mom, Dad, me and Melinda's lawyer with how he is gonna go to court and get a court order for this or against that. My favorite one was when he told my parents that they are not allowed to talk to Melinda anymore and he is gonna get an order of protection so she can't talk to them nor them to her. He is a huge blowhard that tries to use the system to threaten others into doing what he wants. He can not even create the thought in his head that his kids are more important than he is in this matter. There is nothing in this world that he can not and does not control. He is severely mentally ill and delusional. He has written of lengthy conversations he has had with angels and God. She just wants him to leave her alone.

I'll even give you a perfect example of how he plays the system. He works in the trades as a waterproofer/roofer. My father worked in the trades all his life and I am well aware of the income brought in by side jobs and under the table overtime. It is how many families make ends meet. For some reason, his boss trusts him and has helped him out over the years. I would imagine R is too smart to show him the other side. Many months ago he stopped working. Actually he stopped working on the books. He was taking the vast majority of his pay under the table so that it would go unreported. He stopped making the mortgage payments and lost the house. According to him, he "wasn't going to spend anymore money on something that she could get half of." So he lived rent free until the back kicked them out. What would you do with almost a year of mortgage payments in your pocket? Melinda didn't want the house and was happy to sign it over to him. But he doesn't take chances. At the time they took the house he had ripped apart the girls bedroom to fix a supposed leak from the laundry room below. At last viewing, it was still torn apart. He is now renting a house and making plans to start improvements (which means tear it apart.) My sister's basement is still without walls or insulation and he tore that out years ago. He makes big plans and does not know the meaning of the word moderation. He requires instant gratification in all things.

He doesn't like me around much because I am the only one alive who is not afraid of him. I have always been able to see the actual motives behind everything he does and I do not take his bullshit. I have called the police on him before and have no fear of doing it again. My parents are old and can't handle the amount of grief he puts someone through when he doesn't get what he wants. My mother was nice enough to allow the kids to have visitation at her house. Each and every time, R waltzes in like he is part of the kids time together. They let him. One day he got J in a bear hug and he's whispering into her ear. Now I know from history that he is telling her not to worry and he will have them all back very soon. I told him that he is not allowed to isolate and whisper to the girls. At which point he begins threatening me with court orders, etc. He was asked to leave and refused. So I told the girls we were leaving. He didn't like that one little bit. No one can control something of his! And another time I actually did call 911 to have him removed. He left moments before the 9 Crown Point police officers arrived. They searched the neighborhood to make sure he wasn't coming back and went by his house to see if he was there. Now he is known to police in South Holland, Dolton, Lansing, Griffith and Crown Point.

M, I regret to say, has not had an original thought or spoken his own words for many months. He is a full blown puppet of my brother and is being encouraged to commit violent crimes. I lost count of the number of times that he has been suspended from school. He will fight at the drop of a hat. He has learned all sorts of obscene language and uses it regularly. We all fear that it is too late to get him back. So much so that there have been discussions about who could possibly take M, just to get him away from R. Even my Aunt and Uncle (retired federal special agent) have thought about taking him. M is allergic to cats and I have two that are my babies, but if he needs to come live here to get away from his father then I will find other homes for them.

M is showing the same signs of mental illness that his father and his grandfather did. Unfortunately, he will not get the help he needs because R refuses to admit that there is something wrong with himself, much less his son.

I implore you to not only keep the girls away from him, but get M away from him too before it is too late. I think at this point, even M going into the foster system for some time would be better than staying with his crazy father who refuses to take the meds that make him lucid and rational.

Signed,
S.