Nightmares & Narcissists

Will the dreams and nightmares about my ex stop?!

You left your abuser and now your dreaming about him/her. It may feel like you are still being held captive. When do they stop? Why does it feel like I'm obsessed or have separation anxiety from this person?

The duration of dreaming about your ex can depend on how long you are away from this person. Take the amount of time you were with this person and divide it in half. This will be the “magic” number that will be the amount of time you notice you have made progress on your healing journey.

You are probably frustrated by this. I know I was! How can you break free from these? It can be challenging to start reprogramming your mind to see your bad dreams as a tool to heal and change this into a good thing instead. You can do it!

Know that you are safe! This person can't hurt you anymore. You may feel victimized all over again subconsciously. Stop giving this person space in your mind. The feelings of being unworthy, that your useless, everything is your fault, etc... You may go through nightmare spurts. One day you have them and then the next day you don't!
Dreaming allows us to face our abusers head-on. We can safely explore situations we went through as scary as they may have been for you.

If you sit down and think about why you are having these dreams you may be surprised. It could be you were randomly talking about this toxic person earlier in the day with someone. You could have heard a song, saw an item, went past their house, had a message from them, are you up against a deadline, or something else that reminded you subconsciously.

While you are sleeping your brain may be trying to help you or tell you something by replaying a memory or situation.

How can you start to flip the switch?

1) What unresolved hurts do you have? Those bottled up memories can trigger a bad dream. Getting things down on paper or sharing these with a counselor/therapist/friend can be very helpful!

2) Change the voice of your abuser. Replaying these experiences can be terrifying for you but let's pretend you're watching a movie of a memory between you and that person who hurt you. Change the voice to that person. Make it a cartoon voice or really high and squeaky. Kind of like a chipmunk. Does it make you giggle a little? Going forward every time you think of this person I want you to remember this cartoon voice even in real life. This can help you start to see this person in a different perspective. Most of the talk coming from their mouths is ridiculous. Even if they are trying to bring you down I want you to remember this voice.

3) Before you go to bed begin a practice of watching or reading something positive. Don't binge The Walking Dead, watch the news, or consider putting down your phone. Feed your mind something good. If you have to watch a show make it light-hearted. America's funniest home videos, funny animal videos, listen to the Bible on YouTube, find positive affirmations or Bible verses, or record your own to play as you fall asleep. Color, go for a walk or listen to soothing music. Find a hobby that you enjoy to get this person out of your head. Fill your mind with positives and things that make you happy and if you don't know what makes you happy now is a great time to learn.

All of this does take time. I encourage you to give yourself this time to get to know you. To better understand your reactions to a certain situation and how you can reprogram yourself to react in a way that shows you aren't going to be a victim any longer.

Stay safe!
BIG HUGS,
Mel

Defiled and dang angry about it!

 

I'm horrified and very angry! My child had a break through about memories from her past. I won't go into vivid details about the situations but I was taken aback, though not surprised as it is something I had suspected for many years but could never give credence to as there was no verbal mention of it.

I have no doubt about her honesty about the situations. Too many things fit. Am feeling guilty, mad and so disheartened about this! While I would love to storm over there and take matters into my own hands, this won't help her heal.

This is not the first memory she has had, but the first memory that is on this subject matter. Both of my girls clam up at discussing anything about they're father. So this is BIG!

She asked me not bring this to attorney, GAL or Police.

She is ashamed and embarrassed.

I did reassure her of my love and support, also if she ever decides to file charges I will help her however I can.

My mind is reeling! What if he is or has done this to our other children? My son that lives with him is showered with gifts, could these things be given to him to keep him quiet for sexual abuse as well? I'm distressed by these thoughts. I have no way of finding out. And my other daughter does not recall anything that happened to her. It could be she just doesn't want to or is ready to yet.

A dear friend close to me has experienced similar and was kind enough to provide a shoulder to vent. So now, I wait pray and continue to love my children that's all I can do.

Sorry to end on a somber note. Please keep my children in your prayers and for my ex to be brought to justice, whether by the Thorn of Judgement or here on earth. . .

I pray that if you know someone or think someone is experiencing any type of abuse to PLEASE get them help! Whether to be a shoulder or just an ear to listen.

God bless!

Mel

Like an open sore...

That title conjures up some rather wicked thoughts and feelings. Even after almost 4 years, when a memory or talking about the past the emotions can still feel raw. It is not uncommon for me to find some humor in that past life.

Such as:

Warming up his plate before I plated it

Answering the phone and relaying the WHOLE conversation to him as it is happening

Getting him dressed in the morning and helping him undress in the evening

Bathing him

Warming his boots/shoes on a cold day

Pre-warming the bathroom before he had to leave for work

Why is this humorous now? I guess it's more unbelievable as well as ludicrous to think that I did those things.

But, sad at how feverishly and quickly these things (and other things) had to be done without error.

The kids remember random things from time to time that actually feel stinging to me. And not that they mean any harm but they cope differently then I.

They recently recalled driving in the car. In which many times I would get told to stop the car and pull over so he could drive. I apparently am a terrible driver (so he says).  Or they recall him pulling me out of the car by the hair or just screaming at me while I am driving. SIGH!

I need to write more but have to get moving. Please Dear Reader, if you are in an abusive situation, remember there is hope. There are resources available for you! Do it before it's too late! Any form of abuse is just that abuse. No matter if he/she lifts a hand on you or uses words. Love doesn't hurt!

Prayers and love for your safety and sanity!

Mel

Love you always and forever

"Love you always and forever" 

I have seen these words again over the last few days. 

3 text messages. A few lines saying "Good morning my Ladies" or "Sweet dreams my Ladies" and then "Love you always and forever". It's not tell my girls or tell the girls Good night or Good morning or even tell the girls I love them... He says "my ladies" and "Always and forever".

Why does that creep me out? Why can't he let me go?

I thought I didn't leave the house because I love this wonderful place. OK, that is part of it. But deep down I don't want to bump into him. I don't want to take the chance. 

I am still jumpy. I still cringe and feel a panicky feeling when I see a vehicle that looks like his.

Let me go.

Me and the new Hubs (Terry)

Move on with your life. I want to enjoy this second chance of living a beautiful life. 

It's been over 3 years.

 I still miss my son. He's going to be 17 in a few weeks. I'm sure we are strangers to one another. I miss him terribly. I don't believe we can have a decent relationship until he is away from his dad. 

My daughter,Jess, threw me for a loop a few weeks ago by asking to maybe live with him for a month at a time. Or to see him without Supervised Parenting Time. I was blown away! I was not angry. I was hurt and confused. I didn't/don't understand. After all they have been through!

Alex and I were shaking our heads. I was definitely not inputting her reasoning. She talked to Terry and he helped her understand the reason why we don't talk to him unsupervised. And the importance of me avoiding any type of situation that could put us in harms way. Of course I can not afford to send them to the therapy they need because the "ex" is still behind in support. He has yet to file his income tax return and he complains to those around him that I haven't gotten the girls to therapy. I have to come up with 10% of the cost to send them. (not my idea and I really was ticked off when the Magistrate said I would have to) Since I have no job or prospects for one yet, I rely on the support for the girls medical bills, clothing, school books and fee's. He's a bit over $5,000 behind now. 

I don't understand why he has not been arrested. I have repeatedly asked my attorney why. And all he can tell me is that it is not worth putting him in jail. HUH?! Putting him in jail will not help get his support paid. It's such a little amount. HUH?! So, the man can keep getting paid cash at his job and not pay for his obligations and it's OK?! And he is still texting me even though the court said not to text or contact me unless it's an emergency or else. 

I don't get it. 

I'm at a loss. 

I know I'm caught in a cycle of healing. I know he is caught in a pattern of being a Narc, Gaslighter, Psychopath, Abuser, Violent, Mentally unstable... Whatever you want to label him. I have no intention on getting on that wild scary ride again. I don't miss crazy.

I'm desperate to move far away. To get away. To just put us all in the car and leave where I don't feel worried about the dark. I don't feel worried about going anywhere to run an errand. Where no one knows us or him. Where I can truly start over again and feel free. Oh, I know I have my decree and I'm free. I have been free physically for almost 4 years come Feb next year. But emotionally and mentally I'm held bound by memories and old fears.

Let me go...

Guess what! I'm getting married...

Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick!

Over the weekend I will be married to someone that has become a big part of my life. I posted on FB about how much I appreciate him. He's handled everything that has came his (our) way with strength, calm and positive thoughts about each situation. It's sort of a dream right now. I've wrote before about how surreal everything is. Even talking or writing about my past seems like it was someone else.

Not that I'm not happy about this. I'm thrilled! But, I have had some random tears, fear and apprehension creep in on my happiness. Terry has been away for work and I can't wait to have him come back to share as well as get some insight on the little dark cloud that feels as though it's looming.

I'm fearful of being "someone's property". Oh, he's not like that, though I have a concern.
I fear faithfulness. My Ex's track record wasn't the greatest. I have big time trust issues both in my worry about fidelity with my future Mr. Melinda as well as a few needless worries. Heck! They are all needless!
 
I should be thrilled! I should be anxious! And I am, though in some ways I'm still allowing my fears to get the best of me. I have had my glue gun out, glitter, pearls, lace and what's not to love right now? I'm getting remarried!

I was so relieved to chat with a good friend that is also a recent Survivor of abuse. I can learn so much from talking with others about they're experiences,  just gab about how they are surviving or words of wisdom/strength. During the chat I was reminded of despite how different we are in our experiences that we are SO similar! She really lifted me up! Thank ya Darlin!

There has been only a few small issues that have come up (besides what seems like a daily breakdown in my mental state) regarding getting the wedding together. I know this has caused me some distress deeply and some sadness. I'm hoping that it will end up going well. I'm terrible at confrontations. I tend to cry at the drop of a hat when confronted or I just avoid the subject of whatever it is all together as if the "white elephant" isn't in the room. SIGH! But these issues are totally normal in planning a wedding! LOL! So there is some normalcy! I just need to put on those "Big Girl panties" and open my mouth.

Let's see... Unrelated gossip! Well, it's not really gossip if it really happened...

I ended up hearing from, (by accident) a woman that has held a torch for Terry for YEARS (She is a family friend)!

Background: They dated briefly while she was considering separating from her hubby, they have a sexless marriage and he's never home, that was many moons ago. After a few months of her not leaving her hubs, Terry told her that he couldn't do the back and forth anymore and they could remain friends. This was over 10 years ago... Fast forward to 3 years ago, I met her, confronted her (At her house! Ok I do get some balls every once in a while) long story short. She said there was nothing going on. She was babysitting him for years... Blah, blah, blah!

For over 3 years, every great once in awhile she would "drunk" text Terry, crying about how she missed him. Wanting to meet up with him for dinner, happy hour, she is still crazy about him, and more Blah! Blah! Blah! So, when someone texted about fun they were having on a weekend trip in a group text.( There were several replies back and forth between others- still with me on this long tale?)   I find out "she" is one of the person's texting. I couldn't help myself!

I replied back!

I apologized for the house incident long ago. I also said that I would like to get together sometime. I invited her to the wedding! She was watching her child at a sporting event so she couldn't chat, (I was grinning the whole time during this) but she missed us the best. She said there was no reason to worry she had no issues with at all and there were never any. Of course it doesn't explain why she glares and ignores me when she see's me (even before me going to confront her at her house) or why she has never taken Terry up on meeting for lunch or dinner with me included. The next day she replied again that she is having some crazy weekends, but going out of town for a wedding and again wishes us happiness. That was a interesting distraction for a change and it gave me a belly laugh at how silly and normal that incident seemed. I hope to someday forge a peaceful relationship with her. She was very good friends with Terry for a long time. I have no issues with men having friends that are women. She helped him through a dark period of sadness in his life (past marriage) and that's wonderful!

While I don't believe we will be breaking bread anytime soon and future outings that involve her will continue to be uncomfortable.  It's ok, that is normal reality that brings a giggle to me for a change. It's nice that it's not just the madness about my ex or my issues with trying to break free of the memories of my past.

Speaking of madness. I heard the ex went to Crown Point to look for me, tell anyone that will listen we are divorced and how "Happy" he is... "Has anyone saw me?" Days prior to this incident the girls and I were in CP looking for wedding ideas, dresses for the girls and something special for me. (I am a terrible procrastinator! LOL!) A shop owner I'm knew asked me how we were, gushed over the baby and told me how happy she was that I was away from that man. She thought he treated us terribly! She went to discuss some of his family members but I'm not going there. I just smiled politely, thanked her and wished her well. She wished us happier times and good to see us.

So now you know the scoop! I will post pictures of the upcoming nuptials!

Please remember that everyone's situation is different. The levels of abuse as well as the types of abuse. Many times you don't realize how "bad" it was until you are free from it. Know you are not alone. Get help! Talk to someone! Confide in a friend or family member.  Love doesn't hurt! Physically, mentally or emotionally.

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Counseling sucks!

I'm not digging this counseling idea at all! Therapeutic counseling is not suited for those that went through a Abusive situation in my personal opinion. I have had more anxiety about these visits leading to my ulcer acting up and mini meltdowns.

So now the kids have an appointment earlier this week and come to find out that J has entertained killing herself again. I question the way the counselor aimed the question and plan to ask next time we go to a session. She was diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety and something else. The doctor prescribed Prozac. I'm less then tickled about this choice but due to her swinging moods that sometime mirror her father when he was younger, I'm unclear what is just plain teen moods or something more.

J, is happy to be home and she feels as though she was kind of tricked with the questioning. I wasn't in the room and don't know for sure. We talked about her feelings, why she felt that way and boy does she has some deep concerns about her father. Both my girls are struggling with anger, sadness and fear. I don't know how to help them. I've asked them to share what they have experienced, begged them to write down anything they remember, but they choose to bottle the memories until they have a emotional roller coaster. Both girls say they are really happy to be where we are now. R doesn't know where we live and they feel safe for the first time in a long time.

I am apprehensive to take them back. It's court ordered and neither want to go again. We haven't even began to discuss meeting with R and the girls or M with me. I dreaded the possibility that R may follow me home.

As we get closer to our Final court date I still feel nervous. I wish the judge would just say we are done rather then having a Hearing. I actually did start to mention that we are planning on having a BBQ to celebrate. But I know due to R's fixation he won't be out of our hair. I keep getting reminders from others not to forget that.

Thank the Lord for the strength He has given us to keep going... I still question my parenting skills and whether I'm a good Mom. I question everything. I also still struggle with breaking free of unnecessary habits, such as doing the dishes (Ok I slack at drying them)

Winding down to Final hearing!

I can't believe the time to Finalize is almost here in 24 days! I have a few loved ones and friends asking me to throw a bash. While I should be planning a BBQ or some big hoopla, I feel solemn and feeling sad of the marriage ending. Oh, it's not because I'm in love with STBX. I'm not that was gone MANY YEARS AGO.

I feel almost sad at the waste of years. The trail of broken promises, dreams and hopes. They lay on the ground like a smashed plate. Bits and shards of pointy edges that look as threatening as they appear if you pick them up wrong.

I don't regret leaving.

Now, looking back, I don't wish the crazy legal land ride didn't rush because then we may have never found solace or help for dealing with Crazy Man. People probably wouldn't have believed me or the kids if he didn't let his true colors show to court and legal officials.

I'm not insane! YEA ME!

I am still a long way from being ok. Time's I feel like damaged goods. It breaks my heart to see the mess my kids are. I can't speak for how my son is doing, but if he does hate me because of where he is at now (living with his Dad) then that just hurts. He's driving now... I didn't get to practice with him. And on the other hand the poor kid had to have his Dad show him. His father showed me how to drive a few times and by the time we were done I was a nervous wreck! Even to this day I don't like driving for so many reasons. The girls remember when STBX would yell at me, or try to leave me on the side of the road or push me out of the vehicle for whatever reason.

I feel embarrassed at the memories they have. They only saw a bit of it and it is so upsetting to have them remember those times. Me being a coward, huddled in a corner or whimpering... That's not how I want them to remember me. Weak.

So, you Dear reader, if you have been following my long journey, please take heart that I appreciate your warm wishes, prayers and cheers. Thank you for sharing your own stories privately. Both to inspire me and remind me that I'm not alone.

And if you are in process of making the jump out of a relationship. Please don't let the legal process get you down! Make sure you document EVERYTHING! Every calls, text or visit he/she makes! Make sure you ALWAYS have someone go with you to meetings or visitation.

Don't be afraid to tell Police or someone that you are close to about the abuse. No matter if it is Verbal, Emotional, Sexual... Abuse is abuse!

Blessings and BIG HUGS!

You made me stronger!

I say these words but I'm so unclear whether it's true or not. Today's events has brought so many memories of hurt and pain.

It's amazing how just a mere word or thought can trigger such a huge wave of emotion. I still feel annoyed at myself for crying or breaking down when something like that happens.

I remembered getting pushed down stairs.

Getting my head/neck caught in the door or headlock.

Being smothered by a pillow or with his hand.

I was thrown out of a car several times (moving once) .

Kicked in the lower back/tail bone.

Just a few things I can think of off the top of my head that could have injured my back. I won't go through the other parts of my body that seem to bear unseen scars of attacks over the years.

I'm anxious to (more then slim chance) finalize in June. I am less then anxious to think that soon I more then likely be stuck battling this man and his craziness for the next 5 years or so if he is awarded unsupervised.

I pray there is some solution to this. I'm sorry for rambling!

Stay safe and have a great night.

BIG HUGS

Mel