Winding down to Final hearing!

I can't believe the time to Finalize is almost here in 24 days! I have a few loved ones and friends asking me to throw a bash. While I should be planning a BBQ or some big hoopla, I feel solemn and feeling sad of the marriage ending. Oh, it's not because I'm in love with STBX. I'm not that was gone MANY YEARS AGO.

I feel almost sad at the waste of years. The trail of broken promises, dreams and hopes. They lay on the ground like a smashed plate. Bits and shards of pointy edges that look as threatening as they appear if you pick them up wrong.

I don't regret leaving.

Now, looking back, I don't wish the crazy legal land ride didn't rush because then we may have never found solace or help for dealing with Crazy Man. People probably wouldn't have believed me or the kids if he didn't let his true colors show to court and legal officials.

I'm not insane! YEA ME!

I am still a long way from being ok. Time's I feel like damaged goods. It breaks my heart to see the mess my kids are. I can't speak for how my son is doing, but if he does hate me because of where he is at now (living with his Dad) then that just hurts. He's driving now... I didn't get to practice with him. And on the other hand the poor kid had to have his Dad show him. His father showed me how to drive a few times and by the time we were done I was a nervous wreck! Even to this day I don't like driving for so many reasons. The girls remember when STBX would yell at me, or try to leave me on the side of the road or push me out of the vehicle for whatever reason.

I feel embarrassed at the memories they have. They only saw a bit of it and it is so upsetting to have them remember those times. Me being a coward, huddled in a corner or whimpering... That's not how I want them to remember me. Weak.

So, you Dear reader, if you have been following my long journey, please take heart that I appreciate your warm wishes, prayers and cheers. Thank you for sharing your own stories privately. Both to inspire me and remind me that I'm not alone.

And if you are in process of making the jump out of a relationship. Please don't let the legal process get you down! Make sure you document EVERYTHING! Every calls, text or visit he/she makes! Make sure you ALWAYS have someone go with you to meetings or visitation.

Don't be afraid to tell Police or someone that you are close to about the abuse. No matter if it is Verbal, Emotional, Sexual... Abuse is abuse!

Blessings and BIG HUGS!