Green flags to be thankful for in a relationship

No relationship is perfect but there are some things to keep an eye out for when starting or thinking about a current relationship you are in this could be with an intimate partner, family member, friend, or co-worker.

1. This person takes responsibility for their own actions.

2. Support things you want to do or pursue.

3. Practice self-care.

4. Are reflective on their life or situations.

5. They have long-standing healthy friendships.

6. Empathy towards others.

7. You can be vulnerable around this person or they are vulnerable.

8. They are spiritual and don't mock your spirituality.

9. Self-sufficient- They can take care of themselves, appointments, and needs.

10. Communicate openly with no judgment.

11. Has hobbies and is encouraging for you to pursue your own or to join in with their interests.

12. Respects and honors your boundaries.

13. Are affectionate with you.

14. Takes interests in the thing you like to do.

15. Supportive and positive about you even when you aren't feeling that way.

16. Has a great sense of humor and can laugh at themselves. They don't put you down.

17. Can help out financially if they need to with no strings or without being asked.

18. A good listener and communicator.

19. Has fun!

20. Accepts your past without being critical.

21. Doesn't compare you to others.

22. Respects your need for alone time.

23. Allows and encourages you to have a career.

24. Respects your children.

25. Knows they aren't the center of the universe.

26. They are mature.

27. They have confidence in themselves without being cocky.

28. Fits in no matter what the situation or environment they are in.

29. Admit when they make mistakes.

30. Shares in chores or tasks around the house.

31. Enjoys quiet time and encourages you to do the same.

32. Willing to deal with the ups and downs in a relationship.

I hope these help you evaluate a questionable relationship you have or maybe even to evaluate "YOUR" behavior in relationships. If you or someone you know is in a toxic relationship there is hope and help. Message me privately for info on services in your area. I have a private FB group for women only that are victims/Survivors of abuse and it can be found here- Hope when there was none group.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Do you still have hopes and dreams?

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." - Henry David Thoreau

Yep! That's me! 

In this picture, life was taking a turn. I was topsy-turvy as my parents were going through a divorce. I felt as though my world was crazy. Unsure what I wanted to do. Somewhere along that time there was a plan to run away to California with my friends Betty, Evie, and Michelle but I chickened out! (Later, I found out they did as well. 😁)At that moment each of our lives were on a roller coaster. 

I thought when I was 18 I could live my dreams. To go backpacking in Europe, to become a Librarian, Actress/Singer, Teacher, Writer, and a Parapsychologist.  

Above all, I didn't want to be hurt again. You see my then Step-father, whom for the sake of legal issues I will call Frank had a way of being abusive to my Mom and later towards me. 

I promised never to be in that situation ever! 

Funny, looking back on that now. How my life unfolded to spiral into a cycle back to that low place where I was when I was a child. My dreams lay scattered like fallen leaves on the ground. 

Early into the relationship with my now ex-husband, Will I had to let those dreams go. He amongst many other things he thought they were stupid. They wouldn't make money to pay bills. I needed to be realistic and to grow up.

I went to bed in January 2008 with Will. And at that moment a zillion thoughts were going through my head. 

Prior to this, we had just gotten into a fight about something that had little meaning or relevance. It was just a way to assert his control over me. 

I had gotten to the point where I was becoming bolder to stand up for myself. For what felt like the hundredth time I had told him hours before that I didn't love him anymore and to let me go. 

Now in bed my thoughts race to:

Is he going to start something with me or threaten me or worse? 

Will this be the night that my kids don't have a Mom anymore? What will happen to them?

And...

How did it come to this? How did I allow this to happen? Why didn't I stop him the first time he raised his voice or his hand?

He continued to pepper me with questions. I rolled over and clutched my pillow with one hand and felt for my knife that I had hidden between the mattresses just in case. I was waiting for a punch or blow. Instead, Will jumped out of bed and began hitting his head against the wall about ten times. Finally, he punched the screen out of the window and grabbed the blankets off the bed after I hadn't responded to his actions or when he was calling my name. 

Inwardly, I knew I couldn't do pretend anymore. This wasn't a life. To live as if we were walking on eggshells?! 

I look back on that moment and I can see it, feel it and breath it as though it were just yesterday. I've had so many other memories come to the surface recently. I'm guessing due to discussing my story. I share many of these moments in time with Mr. Awesome. He is my sounding board and best friend. 

Things have been especially worrisome as I have been reminded of how much hurt this caused my grown children after one of my girls advised she was feeling suicidal a few weeks back. 

None of this was ever about me. Leaving that past relationship was more for my children than myself. I wanted them to know that there is normalcy out in the world. 

It's after 1:00 A.M. now. In four days we will celebrate one of two wedding anniversaries for Mr. Awesome and me. Two? It's a long story, email me privately if you would like to know. 😊

What relevance is any of this? 

Why dreams my Friend! You see there was a time I couldn't say my dreams out loud so I went inward. After sharing the first time I didn't want to make that mistake again. Now, I have a life that is far more wonderful than I could EVER have imagined. 

Don't get me wrong there are still things that go askew. You know, normal stuff, like noticing someone took the last sheet of toilet paper but left the empty tube on the holder AFTER you are done with your business. Or the roof is leaking, car issues, or running late for church. 

You get the picture! NORMAL stuff! The following aren't brags. They are just so dang unbelievable to me that I need to share so you too can believe there are happy endings.

Here I am remarried. 

Had my last child at 40!

Live in my dream house. 

I have no bedtime. 

I can read whenever I want. 

I can come and go as I please. 

I can eat at 2:00 A.M. if I want to. (FYI, I did have a donut a few minutes ago.)

I have become a Healer.

A published Author.

Beginning Transformational Speaker.

I am a Vision Board Coach.

Homesteader.

Daydreamer.

And most importantly... I am alive! That revelation has the greatest impact. I rolled over in bed and poked at Mr. Awesome before coming down to munch on my donut and told him how unreal this life is. How blessed I feel. 

I rambled on that my pressing issues are to worry about keeping the chickens and ducks penned in so the predators don't keep picking them off. But, this my Friend is now my "normal stuff"!

There is no more worrying about the next few minutes, hour, or days for fear of getting hurt physically or otherwise. I can dream about life and feel confident about my tomorrow. No matter if it's the unglamorous job of mucking out the coop, pulling weeds, talking about plans for an Airbnb, or how I'm coming on my next book. This life feels as though it is just starting for me!

So, wherever you are on your path, please don't give up hope. Call a shelter, local law enforcement or reach out to a national group in your area for help. If you don't know who to contact please drop me a line. I am happy to locate a group or organization for you. There is a life out there waiting. Now, if you and your partner can do counseling that is excellent! If the relationship is worth saving by all means go for it!

Don't wait to leave as long as I did- over 20 years! Especially if you have children. I'm not saying it isn't going to be hard. The moment you take that leap of faith you are faced with a danger from your partner. There may be threats, stalking/cyberstalking, dozens of phone/text messages, and more. Please don't let this scare you. I want to be honest. I don't want to paint a pretty picture of rainbows and flowers. Reality is that leaving was the hardest and the best thing I ever did. 

Remember those dreams I mentioned? Well, I may not do "those" but I have many others and I can now as Thoreau said, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler."  

Feel free to contact me to talk or if you would like a virtual hug. 😍 I'm praying for you. 

Much love to you! Stay safe!

BIG HUGS,

Mel

P.S.- If you are in the NW Indiana, Michigan or Illinois area I will have a few book signing appearances in September and October. I hope you can make it! Gypsy Soul Retreats has a few spots left, find ticket info here- Gypsy Soul Retreats and check out the Gypsy Soul Retreats Facebook page

I have a secret!

I only told a handful of folks about this...

My estranged Son reached out to me. 

I'm torn about this. 

Why?! Isn't this what I one of the things I have been whining about for years?

Well yeah! 

Can I trust him?

Can I trust it's not some big sinister plot? I had a loved one mention that I could get shot up close if we were to meet. 

I'd be lying if the thought didn't cross my mind among other scary prospects.  

He contacted me out of the blue. He asked to see his brother. 

We have been corresponding back and forth. Small talk to build trust.  

Most of the family are not ready to have a reunion anytime soon. They had some sort of correspondence with him that left a bitter taste. 

There was a deep possibility it wasn't my Son they were speaking to but my ex. 

So could this be a good thing? I am optimistic. 

I am going slow.  

Now if you are new to my blog and don't understand what is the big deal is I'll give a brief summary of why my loved ones are concerned about my Son.

He attempted to start a fire in my apartment and advised if that didn't work he would stab me to death while I slept. 

I returned him to his father. That same day.

Later the same year he attacked Terry in the courthouse.

There were various death threats and hate emails. Some of which we were unsure if they were wrote by my ex.

These are some of the reasons for concern. 

Right now he wants answers for why I put him in the mental facility, why I wanted to keep him from going to Scotland for a church trip and why I wrote a letter to put him in jail after the incident with Terry.

I advised him to go to the elementary school where a serious matter was brought to my attention. As well as to contact someone to discuss his Juvenile detention file. He claims he has and that I am not telling the truth about these serious incidents. 

FYI- You can't just put someone in a mental facility. There has to be an evaluation first. He was evaluated at the request of his elementary school for drawing threatening pictures (he's 21 years old now and graduated from HS) at the time he was about 13 years old or so. He was admitted by his father. I was not the insurance holder so he had to admit him to evaluated for 72 hours.

As for the Juvenile detention situation was due to the attack at the courthouse. It was witnessed by the Sheriff and on video. Terry never filed charges but due to the circumstances and witnesses he was held and later had to appear in court. I had discussed with family this situation and the response about what to do about this was to see if he can be held for a bit or perhaps a family member on my ex's side could become guardian in order to stop the damage being done due to brainwashing. 

Both sides of the family were involved in all of these incidents. We knew something needed to be done yet I could find no one that would actually stand up and say "I'll help for sure!" 

So he stayed with his dad. 

I had no legal control over any of these matters. I didn't go to court under the advisement of my attorney, family and friends that were concerned over my physical well being. 

As for Scotland I wanted him to go. What a cool thing to do! I had no funds to help. He did go but apparently there was trouble due to the Juvenile incident.

I'm afraid he wants !e to admit to things I am not guilty of doing.

The whole thing left a sour taste that I couldn't get rid of. I felt so helpless, confused and sad. This young man that I raised basically on my own turned against me. My eldest Daughter still is just as befuddled as I about why my Son performed these actions that brought me to leave him with my ex. 

In a nutshell that's it. I don't know why I went into this long explanation. I was asked to stop talking about his dad and his step-mom. I didn't know I was?

I have no plans on keeping quiet about my past. Long ago I decided not to keep secrets anymore. 

On one hand what kind of Mom am I? I still have a longing to bring back the time before we left. Before I lost my Son. I miss him deeply unable to just put the past to bed. Wishing to trust him and hoping he would understand and remember the events that unfolded that led to those situations.

In a separate side line. Mr. Awesome printed my story. I have been editing it in hopes it will be published as a 3 part ebook or 1 big ebook. I'm not sure. Getting through this is rough. I just finished a blog post on the family blog Our homesteading happenings
I noted how as I reread through the pages I have a yearning to hug that woman in those pages. To let her know she will be okay, to keep strong and to know there will be safety. 

I cried. I needed a hug. Thankfully I got one! There was no doubt about that. 

Despite this time that has gone by, my past is still ever present. Make sense?

Whatever your challenges you are having may you find the solution you seek. 

I hope your day is as wonderful as you are. 

BIG HUGS!
Mel

FIBBER!

I feel like a fraud. 

Rattling on my blog about positive thoughts and feelings, when I didn't feel that way inside, I was talking the talk but not walking the walk.

This puzzled me as I had thought I had forgiven my ex, finding emotions that I had felt were healing or gone have been painfully opened by the events surrounding my older daughter. I have humbled myself before God, family and friends on numerous occasions with tears, prayers and even screaming in the comfort of my car to and from work.

My PTSD in full swing, I feel like a mad woman inside, wanting to run away and throw the covers over my head and never leave the comfort of my home!

It doesn't help the career I am currently in is Customer Services, where during my work week, I, and my co-workers are sprinkled with insults, nasty language and hostility from a wide range of issues. God bless them as they help ground me until I get home.

My spirit is still wounded and trying to heal from the past, moving on the future is very hard! I don’t take confrontation well. I get very fidgety, hurt and start shrinking into myself during a heated or any sort of stern discussion.

I have avoided social media, blogging, reaching out to other survivors, my family and friends, not feeling many understand the depths of emotions and darkness I feel from time to time. While I am in a much better, safe place then ever I feel like I am my worst enemy right now.

I crumble under pressure to maintain and juggle home and job obligations, my current husband, Terry is wonderful at building me up, yet he cannot understand why the girls and I can’t just get on. It’s not logical to him. He can’t fix it or the girls or I, leaving us from time to time in family discussions and situations where one or all of us are in tears.

I feel very much like someone that is fibbing to the world that life is peachy, when it’s not. I dislike the job I have, but love my co-workers, and yet I am thankful I have a job, especially during these times of high unemployment. I enjoy doing various hobbies; I’m scared to just quit doing that full time.

I am letting my joy being stolen from me. The daily little things are worrisome for me for no reason, but I can’t help but dwell on them.

I have been torn between cursing and screaming at the Lord for understanding how my abuser seems to get away with everything! From being able to attempt to harm me on more than several occasions, stalking me, using parental alienation tactics, not paying child support, breaking the numerous Order of Protections and more!

I assumed once I left him that he would be seen for what he is. No matter where I turned it seemed as though he was getting away with everything.

How can this be?! 

I cried, reasoned, yelled and questioned the Lord with how this is okay? How come he continues to seem to get off free?

Though I wavered in my belief that someday he would be held accountable, God has made it clear to me in my heart to be patient.

I felt as like a small child pouting and begging God for some sort of smiting to take place or for someone legally to find a reason to throw the book at him! How can this be?

I’m tired of hiding from my ex and now my eldest son. I live in worry that there will be some harm that comes to my family and me.

“What if they figure out where we live?”

“What if they figure out where the girls go to school or where I work?”

Frustrated and envious of others that has statues on social media that gives them the freedom of not worrying about him stalking me on a random outing.

Stupid right?! Living life in fear is terrible. Even though the probability is super high that anything would happen, the random text or email messages causes me to hiccup and get panicky or worried.

It gets me upset that I allow my abuser to continue to hold me hostage and he doesn't even know he does! I’m feeding my demons by living in fear of living.

Now how can I move on?

I have done much of the things I have rambled on about. I am finding things that give me happiness, outings, learning new things, while my latest craze is teaching myself how to play piano and knocking off a few things off my ever growing bucket list.

Also we are thinking of travelling when the kiddos are on summer break around the nation to visit friends and family.

I toyed with the thought of seeing another therapist but can’t seem to bring myself to do so. The big factor is I have little funds to do so as counseling is very costly.

I need to take my own advice! Pray more. Tear open my box of crayons, glue and glitter to create a vision board for me for my health and sanity. I need to call friends and maybe have a few date nights with my husband, play some more with the kiddos.  

Why write these things?

I want to be genuine and truthful on my journey. There are tears, times of doubt and dark moments.

A year or so ago a dear co-worker had given me a book to borrow, I kind of read it but couldn't get into it totally because that it dealt with a child kidnapped and killed. It wasn't a true story but I couldn't read it and gave it back to her. Well, over a year later I kept seeing that book on the web and whenever I hit thrift store, yard sales and antique shops! I figured these were signs I needed to read it for real this time.

I read it in about 1 ½ days. It was a quick read for me. The end of story reminded me I need to find forgiveness for my ex and that after I found out the information about molesting our daughter I realized I hadn't forgiven him for that.

I also did something I have never done throughout my journey, I screamed.

I screamed at the top of my lungs while driving home. I sobbed. I shook my fist in the air, screaming like a mad woman to the figure of my ex that is burned in my mind. I yelled at God! I yelled at myself for feeling so blind, feeling like a terrible mother.

I felt as though I had been living in the dark. How could I have been so dense? I wanted a pound of flesh! I asked God how can I forgive her father and forgive me for not seeing.

After my tirade, I felt better, yet I could not say the words of “forgiveness”. I still felt angry and out of sorts, as I pulled up to the house, my husband was out to greet me with a big hug. He noticed something was off and mentioned it. I shared my feelings and he reminded me that we are safe now and even though I say the words that it doesn't mean the hurt and pain is going to go away but my heart and spirit will feel free.

This was a big step! That same day, I had received a text message from, supposedly, my eldest son that is living with my ex-husband; the message was a forwarded horoscope about burning down bridges and that even when I think about that person I should consider make amends with someone that has been on my mind. I truly believe that was sent by his father rather than him and found it kind of eerie at the same time.

There is no discussion between him and I still, as he is not reasonable nor will he be civil enough to have any type of friendly relationship with and especially after the information that came to light over the past few months!

So, where does this leave me?

I said the words, I felt at easy saying them and peaceful. Reminding myself that my daughter said she had given it to the Lord and forgave him several months ago.

Treehouse Supplemental report

Supplement Report

Miranda & Dad argue

Miranda "You told me for 2 years- that if the divorce happened it would be all my fault. You put me in that hospital".

Dad "That's a lie".

Miranda "No it's not. You sent us both. Me & Nathan. He needed to be there".

Dad "No he didn't. I didn't want you there".

Miranda "You need to be there. You need a psych eval".

Dad "I don't know what your game is- what your mothers game is".

Miranda "My life would be great if you weren't in it".

Dad "You're repeating exactly what your mother says".

Miranda "No. She would tell me to be respectful".

Dad "You don't hurt me".

Miranda "So now you're a counselor & a psycho".

Dad "I did nothing to you".

Miranda "You choked me. That's bullshit".

Dad "I didn't choke you. I slapped you".

Miranda "Lie".

Dad "You went crazy and started attacking Matthew".

Miranda "All you did what sit on the couch & watch TV all day".

Miranda "You whipped Nathan with your belt so many times. Mom tried to protect him".

Dad "All I see is your mother. So it's ok for you to disrespect me".

Miranda "I'd rather be like her than you".

Dad "Mom is hurting you by keeping the negativity going".

Dad "I always tell Nathan to not talk badly about"

Miranda "Why do you or Nathan keep texting Mom in the middle of the night?"

Miranda "You ruined the first 10 years of my life".

Dad "Your Mom keeps your away from me. You can argue all you want. It doesn't hurt me".

Miranda "I hate you with a deep passion. I want to stab you right now- but I won't because I will not stoop to your level. I wish you would leave me alone. I hate you! I don't want to see you!"

Dad "I'm fighting for custody of you".

Miranda "I hate you. I thought you changed- but you didn't. Stop this visitation shit. I hate you. Get out of my life".

Zoe "Guys your kinda talking loud".

Dad "You shush!"

Miranda "NO!" and slams her hands on the table

Miranda throws her cards at dads face.

CTH security enters visit

Dad laughs when Miranda leaves

Dad "Zoe I didn't hurt you. You're my baby".

Zoe cries- Zoe asks to leave

Nathan cries.

*Mom called to pick up girls 11:23 am

Broken hearts and dreams

It’s hard to imagine starting a new life once you have left your abuser. Your heart is shattered.

Your dreams of a long relationship lay scattered on the ground and you feel that your whole life is just a shambles! Mr/Ms Wonderful made promises of change. Or promises of a long life together.

What do you do now?

I’ve blogged about this in the past. Picking yourself up once you have left is a tough thing to do!

Honey! You’re preaching to the choir!

Look around you, over-looking the wet and dried tissues that are are all over the place. Wipe those eyes. Throw some water on your face and make a list.

Where do you want to go?

What do you want to do with your life?

How can you move on?

What will I do for money or a job?

What are your dreams?

Finding yourself again after a break-up is a tricky thing and toss in the fact that you left an abusive situation the mix may still seem like a scene taken from The Springer show. A “normal” separation is one that you divide up the kids, stuff and move on. With an abusive relationship the other partner may NOT want to let go.

He/she may continue to stalk you. He/she may continue to harass you by texting/emails. He/she may still try to hurt you by intimidation or further abuse (Verbal/Physical). It can be very hard to think of moving on with the continued drama.

You ask, “Seriously?! Woman what are you smoking!?”

You can do it! You can live a “NORMAL” life again.

You may have to break some habits created by the relationship(s) you were just in. Starting over is just that! Beginning again! Clean slate! 

Re-invent who and what you want to be! Take those questions from above and start planning your new life! What do you want out of life? Are you living your life or just going through the motions? What can you do now to make what you want with your life?

After you have answered those questions above, call it homework, then start purging everything!

Whether it be the relationships with others that maybe toxic in your life (Your Ex’s friends or family)

Clean up your home. 

Memories are attached to many things around you. 

Starting new (If you can afford it) can help. From the bed you and your partner slept in together to the digs you stay in.

What about the food you eat? Do eat things that are good for you? Is the food you’re eating something you really enjoy or something you just adapted?

Are there things you use to clean you only used because he/she wanted you to? Personally, after I left I realized how much I hated the smell of Febreze. And I wouldn’t use it again!

Or what about the TV shows you watch. It has been almost 4 years since I have watched “The Simpsons”. It is something I watched because of my ex. 

What about your clothes? Do they make you feel good? Are they you or what your ex liked to see you in?

What bad habits do you have? Party too much? Drinking? Drugs? Food? Sex?

What have you become addicted to doing because of your ex?

Your make up? Your Hair?

The list can go on and on! It is quite amazing when you reflect back at the things you have or do because it became routine with your ex.Take a serious look at your life then and now. Pick up the pieces of your life. Your worthy! You’re a Survivor! 

Take baby steps! You can do it!