Do you still have hopes and dreams?

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." - Henry David Thoreau

Yep! That's me! 

In this picture, life was taking a turn. I was topsy-turvy as my parents were going through a divorce. I felt as though my world was crazy. Unsure what I wanted to do. Somewhere along that time there was a plan to run away to California with my friends Betty, Evie, and Michelle but I chickened out! (Later, I found out they did as well. 😁)At that moment each of our lives were on a roller coaster. 

I thought when I was 18 I could live my dreams. To go backpacking in Europe, to become a Librarian, Actress/Singer, Teacher, Writer, and a Parapsychologist.  

Above all, I didn't want to be hurt again. You see my then Step-father, whom for the sake of legal issues I will call Frank had a way of being abusive to my Mom and later towards me. 

I promised never to be in that situation ever! 

Funny, looking back on that now. How my life unfolded to spiral into a cycle back to that low place where I was when I was a child. My dreams lay scattered like fallen leaves on the ground. 

Early into the relationship with my now ex-husband, Will I had to let those dreams go. He amongst many other things he thought they were stupid. They wouldn't make money to pay bills. I needed to be realistic and to grow up.

I went to bed in January 2008 with Will. And at that moment a zillion thoughts were going through my head. 

Prior to this, we had just gotten into a fight about something that had little meaning or relevance. It was just a way to assert his control over me. 

I had gotten to the point where I was becoming bolder to stand up for myself. For what felt like the hundredth time I had told him hours before that I didn't love him anymore and to let me go. 

Now in bed my thoughts race to:

Is he going to start something with me or threaten me or worse? 

Will this be the night that my kids don't have a Mom anymore? What will happen to them?

And...

How did it come to this? How did I allow this to happen? Why didn't I stop him the first time he raised his voice or his hand?

He continued to pepper me with questions. I rolled over and clutched my pillow with one hand and felt for my knife that I had hidden between the mattresses just in case. I was waiting for a punch or blow. Instead, Will jumped out of bed and began hitting his head against the wall about ten times. Finally, he punched the screen out of the window and grabbed the blankets off the bed after I hadn't responded to his actions or when he was calling my name. 

Inwardly, I knew I couldn't do pretend anymore. This wasn't a life. To live as if we were walking on eggshells?! 

I look back on that moment and I can see it, feel it and breath it as though it were just yesterday. I've had so many other memories come to the surface recently. I'm guessing due to discussing my story. I share many of these moments in time with Mr. Awesome. He is my sounding board and best friend. 

Things have been especially worrisome as I have been reminded of how much hurt this caused my grown children after one of my girls advised she was feeling suicidal a few weeks back. 

None of this was ever about me. Leaving that past relationship was more for my children than myself. I wanted them to know that there is normalcy out in the world. 

It's after 1:00 A.M. now. In four days we will celebrate one of two wedding anniversaries for Mr. Awesome and me. Two? It's a long story, email me privately if you would like to know. 😊

What relevance is any of this? 

Why dreams my Friend! You see there was a time I couldn't say my dreams out loud so I went inward. After sharing the first time I didn't want to make that mistake again. Now, I have a life that is far more wonderful than I could EVER have imagined. 

Don't get me wrong there are still things that go askew. You know, normal stuff, like noticing someone took the last sheet of toilet paper but left the empty tube on the holder AFTER you are done with your business. Or the roof is leaking, car issues, or running late for church. 

You get the picture! NORMAL stuff! The following aren't brags. They are just so dang unbelievable to me that I need to share so you too can believe there are happy endings.

Here I am remarried. 

Had my last child at 40!

Live in my dream house. 

I have no bedtime. 

I can read whenever I want. 

I can come and go as I please. 

I can eat at 2:00 A.M. if I want to. (FYI, I did have a donut a few minutes ago.)

I have become a Healer.

A published Author.

Beginning Transformational Speaker.

I am a Vision Board Coach.

Homesteader.

Daydreamer.

And most importantly... I am alive! That revelation has the greatest impact. I rolled over in bed and poked at Mr. Awesome before coming down to munch on my donut and told him how unreal this life is. How blessed I feel. 

I rambled on that my pressing issues are to worry about keeping the chickens and ducks penned in so the predators don't keep picking them off. But, this my Friend is now my "normal stuff"!

There is no more worrying about the next few minutes, hour, or days for fear of getting hurt physically or otherwise. I can dream about life and feel confident about my tomorrow. No matter if it's the unglamorous job of mucking out the coop, pulling weeds, talking about plans for an Airbnb, or how I'm coming on my next book. This life feels as though it is just starting for me!

So, wherever you are on your path, please don't give up hope. Call a shelter, local law enforcement or reach out to a national group in your area for help. If you don't know who to contact please drop me a line. I am happy to locate a group or organization for you. There is a life out there waiting. Now, if you and your partner can do counseling that is excellent! If the relationship is worth saving by all means go for it!

Don't wait to leave as long as I did- over 20 years! Especially if you have children. I'm not saying it isn't going to be hard. The moment you take that leap of faith you are faced with a danger from your partner. There may be threats, stalking/cyberstalking, dozens of phone/text messages, and more. Please don't let this scare you. I want to be honest. I don't want to paint a pretty picture of rainbows and flowers. Reality is that leaving was the hardest and the best thing I ever did. 

Remember those dreams I mentioned? Well, I may not do "those" but I have many others and I can now as Thoreau said, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler."  

Feel free to contact me to talk or if you would like a virtual hug. 😍 I'm praying for you. 

Much love to you! Stay safe!

BIG HUGS,

Mel

P.S.- If you are in the NW Indiana, Michigan or Illinois area I will have a few book signing appearances in September and October. I hope you can make it! Gypsy Soul Retreats has a few spots left, find ticket info here- Gypsy Soul Retreats and check out the Gypsy Soul Retreats Facebook page