Tips on sharing your trauma story

If you are thinking of sharing your story publically, let me tell you that I'm proud of you! It's brave to step out of your comfort zone by sharing. This is a time of allowing your vulnerability to come out for one or more persons to hear and that's AWESOME! So how can you get started?

I started by blogging. I shared posts on social media on my page and soon after I received messages from friends that were supportive and much to my surprise a handful admitted they were or had been in an abusive relationship. There were also those that shared someone close to them who was going through a tough time and would I talk with them?

I admit to being a wee bit nervous about talking with others. It's one thing to give advice in the beginning. I argued with God, "How can I talk to others when I'm falling apart?!" I didn't feel like I had it all together or all the answers to help someone else. I considered waiting to talk with people until I was healed or maybe even licensed as something. I didn't feel qualified there is a saying that God doesn't call the qualified He qualifies the called. I needed to get over myself and my ego to realize that this was BIGGER than me.

After I published my story I started to do the leg work of marketing myself, reaching out to local libraries, coffee shops, podcasts, and newspapers to share my story. I was blessed to have several organizations and personalities to reach out to me. I encourage you to decide how big you want to go when you share.

*Do you wish to tell a few trusted friends or get on TV or radio?

*What places that are local can you share?

*Are there organizations that you can speak to?

*What podcasts or blogs do you like to ask if you can be interviewed as a guest?

*Look for FB groups that specialize in your area and ask the page owner/admin if you can share by a post, video, or interview.

*Or maybe you wish to share with loved ones close to you that had no idea about your secret, or what you experienced. Don't be surprised if those close to you don't support or believe you. This happens! Prepare yourself for questions or even a backlash. Some people aren't ready to hear the truth.

*If you are sharing as an interview or speaker ask how much time do you have to speak?

*If this is as a podcast or "Live" video interview ask what platform are they using and will there be a dry run prior to the meeting so you can make sure there are no technical difficulties or maybe they are using something that you don't have downloaded and you don't want to keep a host waiting while you do so!

*Will there be questions or a script the host will ask you if so can you know what they will be asking in advance? This can help you prepare and give you an idea of how deep they wish to go. You may not feel comfortable in the direction the interview is heading.

*Give yourself a break! Do something for you to relax afterward no matter how you choose to share. This can bring out a range of emotions that you thought you had healed or it may trigger a panic attack. Go for a walk, meditate, talk to a friend, ground yourself, watch or read something funny, cry/scream/yell if you need to.

Remember this, be gentle with yourself. Schedule your storytelling a week or two apart sharing can be taxing on you. Afterward, you could feel on top of the world or like you have been hit by a truck. No matter how you choose to share this is a beautiful gift you are giving someone and yourself.

If you have any questions about this or anything else don't hesitate to message me privately. 

Stay safe!
Mel

Green flags to be thankful for in a relationship

No relationship is perfect but there are some things to keep an eye out for when starting or thinking about a current relationship you are in this could be with an intimate partner, family member, friend, or co-worker.

1. This person takes responsibility for their own actions.

2. Support things you want to do or pursue.

3. Practice self-care.

4. Are reflective on their life or situations.

5. They have long-standing healthy friendships.

6. Empathy towards others.

7. You can be vulnerable around this person or they are vulnerable.

8. They are spiritual and don't mock your spirituality.

9. Self-sufficient- They can take care of themselves, appointments, and needs.

10. Communicate openly with no judgment.

11. Has hobbies and is encouraging for you to pursue your own or to join in with their interests.

12. Respects and honors your boundaries.

13. Are affectionate with you.

14. Takes interests in the thing you like to do.

15. Supportive and positive about you even when you aren't feeling that way.

16. Has a great sense of humor and can laugh at themselves. They don't put you down.

17. Can help out financially if they need to with no strings or without being asked.

18. A good listener and communicator.

19. Has fun!

20. Accepts your past without being critical.

21. Doesn't compare you to others.

22. Respects your need for alone time.

23. Allows and encourages you to have a career.

24. Respects your children.

25. Knows they aren't the center of the universe.

26. They are mature.

27. They have confidence in themselves without being cocky.

28. Fits in no matter what the situation or environment they are in.

29. Admit when they make mistakes.

30. Shares in chores or tasks around the house.

31. Enjoys quiet time and encourages you to do the same.

32. Willing to deal with the ups and downs in a relationship.

I hope these help you evaluate a questionable relationship you have or maybe even to evaluate "YOUR" behavior in relationships. If you or someone you know is in a toxic relationship there is hope and help. Message me privately for info on services in your area. I have a private FB group for women only that are victims/Survivors of abuse and it can be found here- Hope when there was none group.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Part 1 Tips to cope with being alone after a toxic relationship

It has been ages since I've posted! I'm sorry! I haven't forgotten about you! I have jumped into vlogging and haven't come by here in a while. I have a bunch of things that I will be sharing over the next few weeks or so to catch up! You can find the video here- facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone.

A tough topic for many victims and Survivors is loneliness. 

First off, it is very brave of you to stay alone right now! I'm proud of you! This is a time of being on an emotional roller coaster filled with drama. You may feel like tapping out or giving up. Please don't! Consider talking to a counselor or therapist. This can be a dark time and talking with a professional or trusted 3^rd party can help.

One of the most common experience among victims and Survivors of a toxic relationship is feeling lonely. Personally, I can totally understand! This is a critical time when many jump back into the relationship or start a new relationship before addressing the junk from the past.

It isn't uncommon for this new super loving person to end up being abusive as well leaving you feeling like you are a failure in love or all you attract are losers, no one will ever want me or you may wonder what's wrong with, “ME?!”

If you miss your abuser you are not a weirdo. Even if this person caused you physical pain you loved this person. There were some good times and comfort. You may have been with this person for months, years, or decades, and know that it's okay to grieve. There is no shame in longing for this person back. You knew what to expect, it's familiar and in some ways not as scary as starting over.

After you leave you may notice different physical symptoms- Anxiety, depression, mood swings, nightmares, bedwetting, panic attacks, insomnia, and more. These are probably not “new” symptoms you may have not given these things much thought before. You may not have had a chance to really “feel” your own emotions. You may have had to hide these or brushed them off. Now they seem like flashing lights going haywire. Signs PTSD after a toxic relationship happens often!

Remember, we are no longer living in the past. The past now part of our memories and you are safe. That trauma is no longer happening to you. You are free even if you don't feel like you are.

Right now is the time for growth!

Being alone gives you space and time to rediscover or get to know yourself. Learning to reprogram your mindset, past hurts, figuring out likes, dislikes, dreams, and goals.

I know you may not feel like doing this and honestly, I have no clue about what you experienced. I can tell you that giving yourself the gift of time to begin a new journey will be healing for you.

Start creating boundaries, journaling, create a ritual for you such as rising early to read your Bible, pray, exercise, or creating a positive routine. Do something that gives you a positive feeling. This can be for 5 minutes, a half-hour, or longer! Don't hesitate to find time throughout the day to do something to recharge your spirit. 

What is something that you have done to help you on your healing journey? I'll be back tomorrow with more suggestions. Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!

Mel

Do you still have hopes and dreams?

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." - Henry David Thoreau

Yep! That's me! 

In this picture, life was taking a turn. I was topsy-turvy as my parents were going through a divorce. I felt as though my world was crazy. Unsure what I wanted to do. Somewhere along that time there was a plan to run away to California with my friends Betty, Evie, and Michelle but I chickened out! (Later, I found out they did as well. 😁)At that moment each of our lives were on a roller coaster. 

I thought when I was 18 I could live my dreams. To go backpacking in Europe, to become a Librarian, Actress/Singer, Teacher, Writer, and a Parapsychologist.  

Above all, I didn't want to be hurt again. You see my then Step-father, whom for the sake of legal issues I will call Frank had a way of being abusive to my Mom and later towards me. 

I promised never to be in that situation ever! 

Funny, looking back on that now. How my life unfolded to spiral into a cycle back to that low place where I was when I was a child. My dreams lay scattered like fallen leaves on the ground. 

Early into the relationship with my now ex-husband, Will I had to let those dreams go. He amongst many other things he thought they were stupid. They wouldn't make money to pay bills. I needed to be realistic and to grow up.

I went to bed in January 2008 with Will. And at that moment a zillion thoughts were going through my head. 

Prior to this, we had just gotten into a fight about something that had little meaning or relevance. It was just a way to assert his control over me. 

I had gotten to the point where I was becoming bolder to stand up for myself. For what felt like the hundredth time I had told him hours before that I didn't love him anymore and to let me go. 

Now in bed my thoughts race to:

Is he going to start something with me or threaten me or worse? 

Will this be the night that my kids don't have a Mom anymore? What will happen to them?

And...

How did it come to this? How did I allow this to happen? Why didn't I stop him the first time he raised his voice or his hand?

He continued to pepper me with questions. I rolled over and clutched my pillow with one hand and felt for my knife that I had hidden between the mattresses just in case. I was waiting for a punch or blow. Instead, Will jumped out of bed and began hitting his head against the wall about ten times. Finally, he punched the screen out of the window and grabbed the blankets off the bed after I hadn't responded to his actions or when he was calling my name. 

Inwardly, I knew I couldn't do pretend anymore. This wasn't a life. To live as if we were walking on eggshells?! 

I look back on that moment and I can see it, feel it and breath it as though it were just yesterday. I've had so many other memories come to the surface recently. I'm guessing due to discussing my story. I share many of these moments in time with Mr. Awesome. He is my sounding board and best friend. 

Things have been especially worrisome as I have been reminded of how much hurt this caused my grown children after one of my girls advised she was feeling suicidal a few weeks back. 

None of this was ever about me. Leaving that past relationship was more for my children than myself. I wanted them to know that there is normalcy out in the world. 

It's after 1:00 A.M. now. In four days we will celebrate one of two wedding anniversaries for Mr. Awesome and me. Two? It's a long story, email me privately if you would like to know. 😊

What relevance is any of this? 

Why dreams my Friend! You see there was a time I couldn't say my dreams out loud so I went inward. After sharing the first time I didn't want to make that mistake again. Now, I have a life that is far more wonderful than I could EVER have imagined. 

Don't get me wrong there are still things that go askew. You know, normal stuff, like noticing someone took the last sheet of toilet paper but left the empty tube on the holder AFTER you are done with your business. Or the roof is leaking, car issues, or running late for church. 

You get the picture! NORMAL stuff! The following aren't brags. They are just so dang unbelievable to me that I need to share so you too can believe there are happy endings.

Here I am remarried. 

Had my last child at 40!

Live in my dream house. 

I have no bedtime. 

I can read whenever I want. 

I can come and go as I please. 

I can eat at 2:00 A.M. if I want to. (FYI, I did have a donut a few minutes ago.)

I have become a Healer.

A published Author.

Beginning Transformational Speaker.

I am a Vision Board Coach.

Homesteader.

Daydreamer.

And most importantly... I am alive! That revelation has the greatest impact. I rolled over in bed and poked at Mr. Awesome before coming down to munch on my donut and told him how unreal this life is. How blessed I feel. 

I rambled on that my pressing issues are to worry about keeping the chickens and ducks penned in so the predators don't keep picking them off. But, this my Friend is now my "normal stuff"!

There is no more worrying about the next few minutes, hour, or days for fear of getting hurt physically or otherwise. I can dream about life and feel confident about my tomorrow. No matter if it's the unglamorous job of mucking out the coop, pulling weeds, talking about plans for an Airbnb, or how I'm coming on my next book. This life feels as though it is just starting for me!

So, wherever you are on your path, please don't give up hope. Call a shelter, local law enforcement or reach out to a national group in your area for help. If you don't know who to contact please drop me a line. I am happy to locate a group or organization for you. There is a life out there waiting. Now, if you and your partner can do counseling that is excellent! If the relationship is worth saving by all means go for it!

Don't wait to leave as long as I did- over 20 years! Especially if you have children. I'm not saying it isn't going to be hard. The moment you take that leap of faith you are faced with a danger from your partner. There may be threats, stalking/cyberstalking, dozens of phone/text messages, and more. Please don't let this scare you. I want to be honest. I don't want to paint a pretty picture of rainbows and flowers. Reality is that leaving was the hardest and the best thing I ever did. 

Remember those dreams I mentioned? Well, I may not do "those" but I have many others and I can now as Thoreau said, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler."  

Feel free to contact me to talk or if you would like a virtual hug. 😍 I'm praying for you. 

Much love to you! Stay safe!

BIG HUGS,

Mel

P.S.- If you are in the NW Indiana, Michigan or Illinois area I will have a few book signing appearances in September and October. I hope you can make it! Gypsy Soul Retreats has a few spots left, find ticket info here- Gypsy Soul Retreats and check out the Gypsy Soul Retreats Facebook page

My Bucket List

What have you always wanted to do or see? I was encouraged when Terry and I started dating to create a list of things I want to do! This is great to do for you! Dig deep, not necessarily expensive things to do, just random things that you can take off or add to.

When you leave your abuser may have a tendency to just sit and cry. Depression can set in. Get yourself to think about something other than your abuser. Do something for you or do something enjoyable with someone care about. Love life again!


Listen to some big band music, jazz or Irish band or Celtic music or classical- DONE

I want to see a civil war re-enactment- DONE

Go to Amish country

Stay at a Bed and Breakfast for the weekend

Looking at the architecture downtown or FLW's home

Ren Fest

Charity Ball or go somewhere so I can get dressed up and go and feel like a princess

Go to worlds longest garage sale

A concert maybe outdoors (free would be great)**** Took a small trip and heard

Go to an island or on a cruise was talking about it and it sounds lovely

Take a ride on a train to nowhere and see what's there. (Yes man)

Take vocal lessons

Learn to play piano-Update-2015 I bought a keyboard. Never got around to learning to play. I sold it.

Tubing on a calm stream

Air Zoo in MI

Find a field of flowers or tall grass to walk in-DONE

Go to see weird and funky sightseeing places along the road. Like the biggest ball of twine or Toy museum

Travel around the States

Buckley Homestead- Lowell, IN-Done 2014

Jerusalem 

Ireland

Australia

Backpacking through Europe- I wanted to do that when I was a kid

See a Round Barn

Dye part or all of my hair pink! I have wanted to do that since I was a teen and for some reason, this has stayed with me for years. Yea, I'm a goober!- I did this in November of this year! 2014

Learn Reflexology- Learning more and more each year and incorporating Energy work! If you are in NW Indiana drop me a line!- DONE!

See a movie by myself

Write a book about my life- Did this but need to edit and finally edit sometime soon. DONE- 2017 more books to come!

Talk to others (Schools/Women's groups) about Domestic Abuse- I did have a blurb on the internet and in the local paper about me and my story.-DOING this 

Learn to crochet/knit/tat- learning Crocheting! I can single Crochet and Double Crochet! I only know how to make blankets and scarves but it's a start.

Mission work! Our plan is to take our bus (we are converting into an RV!) and go around the US to help others where needed. Maybe an old farm established CSA, or help with disaster relief. We are SUPER close to doing this over the upcoming SUMMER 2016! WAHOO!!- God had other plans! I got sick, we found our "Forever home" and my first Grandbaby arrived!

Take more educational classes for various energy work

Create a successful self-sustaining farmstay/Airbnb where I can host gardening/healing seminars for victims/Survivors

Go to Grant Park and just look at the fountain- DONE!

Make Youtube videos to inspire others that are trapped in DV situations to let them know they are not alone. I want to put a voice with my mug!- DONE! 2016

Camping- DONE

Fishing- DONE

Canoeing- DONE

Snorkeling

Fancy dinner with a waiter, white table cloths and so on-DONE

Learn to play chess

Go on a picnic- DONE

Enrolled in a few classes- Still learning!

To go see a play, doesn't have to be a Broadway play or musical- DONE- My Sister and the theatre group is amazing at the South Suburban College in South Holland, IL

Dunes or Turkey Run, or Mt. Baldy-DONE

Bake Christmas cookies-Do and glad we don't have to do a ton of them. Now we are going sugar-free/gluten free so our menu is changing.

Hiking- PCT/Lewis & Clark/Appalachian Trail

Bike across the US for Domestic Abuse Awareness

Be DEBT FREE

Meet Motivational Speakers/Authors that inspired me

God's Free Will

No matter how hard try you can not just "will" thoughts, feeling, emotions, behavior on someone. The decisions that person make is theyre own. Everyone was given the gift of "Free will", this allows us to make choices that may not be for our benefit or very pretty!

Though I try or pray, I know that I can not just think that person into better behavior or a better relationship. People are who they are. Changing someone to fit your needs is not a good choice. You may end up with a fight or struggle on your hands!

I prayed desparately for changing loved ones and realize I can not do this. I give it to God to change they're hearts or behavior patterns. He alone can do that. He alone can work in the hearts of those I love. It may not be for me! It may not end up with a happy scenerio in the end. No warm fuzzy or tears. All one can do is keep hope, give it to God to take off your shoulders.

Ok, maybe I do end up in the corner rocking slowly hugging my legs or perhaps I'm just weepy and snot faced much of the time or maybe I stuff my face full of something tasty to ease my burden. I do not get any satisfaction from these things. I do not get satisfaction talking it over with family or friends because, as kindly as they listen, they are not in my shoes. I appreciate and love them to death for listening to me ramble and whine but they can only do so much.

I hate sounding like a broken record!

I don't like myself for allowing myself to feel sorry for me. At least that is what someone said recently. It shut me up in a heartbeat! Of course STBX said things similar about me feeling sorry and what do I have to be worried or upset about? My life isn't hard? WAH! That was the tone. I felt so crappy but on the other hand, perhaps I do need to harden myself more. I'm not sure.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, those close to me know in a split second something is wrong with me by just a glance. Dang my emotions! GRRFACE!

And dang "Free will"! If he would just do this or do that! Or if he would have just seen what this or that did to me by hurting me emotionally or whatever...

I too have "Free will"! I can change my circumstances. I can change who I am by reprogramming me to love me. To find in myself something more to be proud of!

I am starting to love me. I am learning to run by the mirrors really quick before I catch myself in the mirror so I don't start critiquing myself, which ends up with me not liking that woman in the mirror again.

I have "Free will", to love and be loved, to make choices that I see better for me. And though they may not fit in with whoever's grand plan, in the long run, I'm the one that matters. It's my path and I can choose how to live it.

"Free will..." Gotta love it!

Positive Affirmations , a new Vision Board and 5 goals!

I recently spoke with a friend of mine, Kristy, even as I heard her voice I just started to tear up and bawl. She asked me why I was crying, I said I was worried about she and I talking. The tears just kept on coming! She is such an easy going and loving person, so there was no reason for my emotions to be so crazy!

We talked for almost an hour, updating one another on what's going on in each other's lives and so on. She reminded me to get back into working on my Positive Affirmations as well as creating another vision board (Inspiration board). She never once told me to stop blubbering or that I was screwing up. We discussed my low self esteem issues, I know I have a hard time not looking in the mirror and not liking the person I see in the mirror.

I see too many wrinkles, crooked teeth, way too many white hairs, dark circles (allergies I have been told), ruddy skin, stretch marks, cellulite and more! (TMI I know!) I fail to see anything that resembles beauty (Not like a model!)in me. Terry says I have a smile that lights up a room, but I don't see that. I have a bad habit of looking down when I speak to people. My confidence is in the toliet. I constantly question my own decision, I back down from doing things because of fear that I will fail. I blindly leap at times but manage to take small jumps instead of going for gold. I doubt everything I do.

I know God doesn't make junk! I know in my heart I need to find myself. I know I need to feel loved, it's like a craving! She picked right up on me telling the girls they are beautiful and wonderful but I can not do the same for me!
Not that I need to feel vain or big headed. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I am not talking about someone beeping they're horn at me. No that kind of love or attention. I'm looking for more then skin deep. I need to seek out the beauty of my soul.

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I know the destination is always easier then the journey
I am worthy of love and respect
I trust my intuition
I am on the right path at the right time
I have the power to change my destiny
I am doing what is right not necessarily easy
I am strong
I am filled with a positive spirit
I have God around me to show me signs and wonder daily
I have the power to choose the course of my life
I find happiness and joy everyday
I am a money magnet! Finding money where I go!
I will forge ahead and look back as little as possible
I am making meaningful relationships with honest and loving people
All I need is provided

You can search for positive affirmations online and trust me there are a slew of them out there! I joined http://www.prayables.com/ for inspiration and prayers. As well as a few Positive confidence newsletters for women to help me on my journey!

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My goals are small right now-

1) Find a image to fit both Doula and Craft business
2) Finish cleaning out the fridge
3) Call cancel appt with Jim
4) Call Robyn
5) Create blog for both businesses

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My vision board-
I created several over the past 3 years. Each one changes in some small way depending on my needs or where I picture myself. I do keep a picture of them or physically keep them so I can look back and see what has happened or what still seems a world away!

I clip out words, pictures, poems, thoughts or anything that seems to strike my fancy! Powerful words do really well to inspire me, such as Strong, Wisdom, Hope, Love, Good Health... I added sequins, some pearls, a few pieces of bling and of course my ultimate favorite! GLITTER! Check out a recent video find it here- Vision Board tips and suggestions

Finding your voice!

You finally take the leap of faith and leave. You are now on your own trying to find your way, by now you may have gone through dozens of tissue, whether or not you loved your abuser or lost that love long ago. Crying and maybe even screaming may just be because you are finally free! You may be scared of what the future holds, perhaps you left with just the clothes on your back or you are jobless or the future seems bleak to you.

That old relationship seems like an ending, which it is! You are beginning the first day of the rest of your life! As crazy as it sounds no matter what age you are this is a do-over. A new start! A fresh start! It is not all sweetness and rainbows, any relationship that ends no matter what the reason is sad. It's ok to cry, it's ok to doubt, it's ok to feel like you want to go back, and that maybe it will work.

Whether you are leaving for the 1st time or the 11th time do not go back! Don't look back! Look forward! Keep your chin up, things will get better with time. Sorry to sound like a cliche but time does heal and it does get better. It takes tiny steps to start to love yourself again and to find you inside the scars but you can do it!

You will find your voice again and when you do it is the most amazing incident that happens to you! To feel empowered again is marvelous! To know that you do NOT have to ever go through any abusive ordeals again is the most wonderful thing! It will happen!

Reinvest in you by going back to school, taking up a hobby, read again, start taking better care of yourself, spend more time with your children (They have to heal too!), and reinvent yourself! It maybe that you have to lose the friends you used to have or not hang out with the same group of people, mainly because in most cases history can repeat itself, the chances of you ending up in another bad relationship is very high!  Especially after you leave your Abuser!

Be strong! You can do begin again! Finding your voice is the most important and rewarding things you can do for yourself! I'm proud of you!