A little about me

Thursday, June 28, 2012


I was so nervous! It's a long story about the hours we were in discussion about several issues that we were not in agreement on:

Who should pay for the uncovered payment of Therapeutic Counseling- I did not think I should since he is the one that brought us to that point.


If he should gain access to the girls school records, school events (Parent/Teacher conference) I believe that he would track us to our home if he knew this information. Either by attending a meeting when we are there or following the kids bus. Contact if an extreme emergency is fine (Life or death situation).

So I have to pay $80 for the counseling. I'll stop whining about this, but still disagree.

And our address and the girls records are PRIVATE! YEA!

When I was asked questions about the counseling and seeing my Son, I tried to make it clear that I want to have a relationship with my Son down the road but believe as long as he is in his fathers care that will not be possible. Also, counseling won't work with us. R will say anything he has to lie.

He lied on the stand that every Protective Order was a lie. He has never harmed us or tried to.

Well the judge didn't buy anything R was saying, due to our last Court appointed counselor  feeling threatened and the GAL was threatened too. Both withdrew from our case.  He was questioned about the Children's Treehouse incident he says Jess lost her cool and it was her fault.

He lied so many times about other issues. I was surprised lightening didn't strike him down!

In the end, he was spanked about contacting me recently with over 120 text messages. He was told that I was done. Our marriage was over and I was not returning. He needed to move on and leave me alone. The judge did say this was one of the worst divorces and rulings he has ever had to make!

He has never had to take parent privilege of knowing where their child goes to school, grades or extra circular activities. He has never had to appoint a Parent Monitor for a family (This person can make decisions for the children if the parents can not get along for whatever reason~ Even decide something as silly as when the child goes to bed!)

We do still have Therapeutic Counseling. The girls with him and my Son with me but that is when the counselor deems it safe to do so. 

The judge did not play favorites when he was stern he did not fail to disclude me in the scolding. I admit I feel that the whole thing is ridiculous that we can NOT Co-Parent as a normal couple. I feel for anyone that has a person in they're life that is unstable physically or mentally. The judge  give me a compliment that he could understand that I was perhaps tired of the situation and the legal system. That he hoped I would get relief as soon as I was able to realize we were finalized. I felt light headed and felt as though I would faint while waiting to hear him make his ruling. I don't think I breathed!

There is more but in a nutshell we are safe... It feels bittersweet.

Of course it's not over between he and I. We have 3 wonderful kids and until they are all of age we will have some kind of connection. Granted it will be guarded and I will always feel cautious! But for the most part it's over! YEA! Scars, bad dreams, panic attacks, anxieties are still here but we are free...

Thank you for sharing my journey. Listening to me ramble, moan and groan.Thank you for lifting me up, praying for us and sharing my story with others....

I pray Dear Reader, if you are in a Abusive relationship that you get out! Before it's too late! Leave a paper trail of the abuse, do NOT let him/her get away with it one more minute! Prepare now! Check out my previous posts on Safety or Leaving your abuser. Tell someone you can trust about the abuse. You are not alone! Thousands of women/men and children are in an abusive situation. You are worthy of so much happiness and joy.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My Bucket List

What have you always wanted to do or see? I was encouraged when Terry and I started dating to create a list of things I want to do! This is great to do for you! Dig deep, not necessarily expensive things to do, just random things that you can take off or add to.

When you leave your abuser many have a tendency to just sit and cry. Depression can set in. Get yourself to think about something other then your abuser. Do something for you or do something enjoyable with someone care about. Love life again!

Listen to some big band music, jazz or Irish band or Celtic music or classical
I've always wanted to go to an Indian reservation
I want to see a civil war re-enactment
Go to Amish country
Stay at a Bed and Breakfast for the weekend
Looking at the architecture downtown or FLW's home
Ren Fest
Charity Ball or go to somewhere so I can get dressed up and go and feel like a princess
Go to worlds longest garage sale
A concert maybe outdoors (free would be great)**** Took a small trip and heard
Go to island or on a cruise was talking about it and it sounds lovely
Take a ride on a train to nowhere and see what's there. (Yes man)
Take vocal lessons
Learn to play piano-Update-2015 I bought a keyboard.Never got around to learning to play. I sold it.
Tubing on a calm stream
Air Zoo in MI
Find a field of flowers or tall grass to walk in
Go to see weird and funky sight seeing places along the road. Like the biggest ball of twine or Toy museum
Garage Mahal in Whiting!
Travel to other US states
Buckley Homestead- Lowell, IN-Done 2014
Backpacking through Europe- I wanted to do that when I was a kid
See a Round Barn
Dye part or all of my hair pink! I have wanted to do that since I was a teen and for some reason this has stayed with me for years. Yea, I'm a goober!- I did this in November of this year! 2015!
Take a class in Merrillville at my favorite rock shop!
Learn Reiki
Learn Reflexology- Learning more and more each year and incorporating Energy work! If you are in NW Indiana drop me a line!
See a movie by myself
Write a book about my life- Did this but need to edit and finally edit sometime soon.
Talk to others (Schools/Women's groups) about Domestic Abuse- I did have a blurb on internet and in local paper about me and my story!
Learn to crochet/knit/tat- learning Crocheting! I can single Crochet and double Crochet! I only know how to make blankets and scarves but it's a start.


Mission work! Our plan is to take our bus (we are converting into a RV!) and go around the US to help others where needed. Maybe a old farm, established CSA, or help with disaster relief. We are SUPER close to doing this over the upcoming SUMMER 2016! WAHOO!!
Get certified for Yoga
Take more educational classes for various energy work
Grow my busineses! Doula, Reflexology, and Zija
Find self sustaining farm where I can host/hold crafting/wellness/gardening seminars!
Make Youtube videos to inspire others that are trapped in DV situations to let them know they are not alone. I want to put a voice with my mug!

Things I have done or am working on-
Make a sand castle
Took the kids out of the state they have never been to
Took kids to beach for the first time
Fancy dinner with a waiter, white table cloths and so on
Learn to play chess
Go on a picnic!
Enrolled in a few classes
To go see a play, doesn't have to be a Broadway play or musical
Dunes or Turkey Run, or Mt. Baldy
Bake Christmas cookies-Do and glad we don't have to do a ton of them. Now we are going sugar free/gluten free so our menu is changing.
Go to Grant Park and just look at the fountain or read a book there.

Waiting for the gavel to drop...

Final hearing is in 6 days! Oh, my gosh, my mind is a flurry of emotions and a anxious heart.

I so crave for the memories to vanish for my kids and me. I wish for nothing more then warm wishes for my STBX. Yes, believe it or not! I have forgiven him long ago, though I still can not seem to shake the past, moving on to a brighter future is possible.

The world is my oyster (Did I post my Bucket List here? I will!)! Dwelling on the past, living in the past, re-living the past and feeling anxiety of him is not a healthy thing for anyone. Time heals and though I moaned and groaned when I heard those words, they are so true. Embracing the surreal past, loving myself and moving on is such a happy feeling for me right now.

I love where I am right now. Well, there is a money thing, but who doesn't have job or money issues?
Ok, I do have a few pesky pounds to lose... Oh, and I could use a tummy lift and laser hair removal...
But all that is just cosmetic and material! If the divorce does finalize, there is a BBQ being arranged and well, a wedding for Terry and I! You heard it right! I'm excited! Close family and friends will gather in our humble abode while we exchange vows at home. Nothing fancy, no frills and no thousands of dollars.

So dear Reader, this isn't all about me! Please listen to some words of wisdom handed down (My Sisters, Mandy and Ashley, Kristy Robinett (www.tangledwishes.com), and learned by me (hard knocks).

Focus on the positive my Friend!

Believe in your heart that the craziness will pass.

Stop apologizing for your abuser to others

Stop making excuses to yourself for your abuser

Try to not to let him/her get to you and to keep your chin up.

Say Positive Affirmations

Create a Vision (Wish) Board

Make a time line of where you want to be in a month, 3 months, 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years and 20 years. What do you want to do in those months?

What gave/gives you joy? An activity? Vacation? A Mani/Pedi? Writing? Did you stop doing what makes you happy when Mr/Ms. Wonderful came into the picture? (Sarcasm)

Think of how to make your dreams into reality! Why not? Dream big! Focus on positive things in your life. If you have kids/pets spend quality time with them!

Did you pick up a habit of drugs/alcohol/food? Get clean! Getting lost in a bottle of pills/alcohol or over eating/ or not eating is not an option. Take control of your life! If you have to cry or whine about your life fine, but don't let the chance for a good life pass you by!

Moving on with your life is not only the best medicine but it can show your NARC/Gaslighte/Abuser that you are not going to whither away without him/her. You can and will move on with your life. Stop allowing your life to be "All about that person".

Don't let that person ruin life for you by words, actions or bad behavior.

Don't put off a Order of  Protection! What are you waiting for? Someone to get hurt or killed? Not telling anyone or the authorities only shows your abuser that you will continue to let him/her to do bad behavior.

As a child needs to be accountable for they're actions so does this so called "Grown up". They need to put on they're "Big Boy/Girl" panties and move on with life. You are NOT responsible for this person's actions or behavior!
And, as for you, Dear Friend deserve to live in peace, joy and happiness!

**If you are in an abusive situation please get out! There are agencies designed to help you! Check out the blogs about Safety and Safety plans to start with. Tell someone! DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE your abuser! Remember love doesn't hurt!**

Stay safe! And God bless!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Counseling sucks!

I'm not digging this counseling idea at all! Therapeutic counseling is not suited for those that went through a Abusive situation in my personal opinion. I have had more anxiety about these visits leading to my ulcer acting up and mini meltdowns.

So now the kids have an appointment earlier this week and come to find out that J has entertained killing herself again. I question the way the counselor aimed the question and plan to ask next time we go to a session. She was diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety and something else. The doctor prescribed Prozac. I'm less then tickled about this choice but due to her swinging moods that sometime mirror her father when he was younger, I'm unclear what is just plain teen moods or something more.

J, is happy to be home and she feels as though she was kind of tricked with the questioning. I wasn't in the room and don't know for sure. We talked about her feelings, why she felt that way and boy does she has some deep concerns about her father. Both my girls are struggling with anger, sadness and fear. I don't know how to help them. I've asked them to share what they have experienced, begged them to write down anything they remember, but they choose to bottle the memories until they have a emotional roller coaster. Both girls say they are really happy to be where we are now. R doesn't know where we live and they feel safe for the first time in a long time.

I am apprehensive to take them back. It's court ordered and neither want to go again. We haven't even began to discuss meeting with R and the girls or M with me. I dreaded the possibility that R may follow me home.

As we get closer to our Final court date I still feel nervous. I wish the judge would just say we are done rather then having a Hearing. I actually did start to mention that we are planning on having a BBQ to celebrate. But I know due to R's fixation he won't be out of our hair. I keep getting reminders from others not to forget that.

Thank the Lord for the strength He has given us to keep going... I still question my parenting skills and whether I'm a good Mom. I question everything. I also still struggle with breaking free of unnecessary habits, such as doing the dishes (Ok I slack at drying them)

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Winding down to Final hearing!

I can't believe the time to Finalize is almost here in 24 days! I have a few loved ones and friends asking me to throw a bash. While I should be planning a BBQ or some big hoopla, I feel solemn and feeling sad of the marriage ending. Oh, it's not because I'm in love with STBX. I'm not that was gone MANY YEARS AGO.

I feel almost sad at the waste of years. The trail of broken promises, dreams and hopes. They lay on the ground like a smashed plate. Bits and shards of pointy edges that look as threatening as they appear if you pick them up wrong.

I don't regret leaving.

Now, looking back, I don't wish the crazy legal land ride didn't rush because then we may have never found solace or help for dealing with Crazy Man. People probably wouldn't have believed me or the kids if he didn't let his true colors show to court and legal officials.

I'm not insane! YEA ME!

I am still a long way from being ok. Time's I feel like damaged goods. It breaks my heart to see the mess my kids are. I can't speak for how my son is doing, but if he does hate me because of where he is at now (living with his Dad) then that just hurts. He's driving now... I didn't get to practice with him. And on the other hand the poor kid had to have his Dad show him. His father showed me how to drive a few times and by the time we were done I was a nervous wreck! Even to this day I don't like driving for so many reasons. The girls remember when STBX would yell at me, or try to leave me on the side of the road or push me out of the vehicle for whatever reason.

I feel embarrassed at the memories they have. They only saw a bit of it and it is so upsetting to have them remember those times. Me being a coward, huddled in a corner or whimpering... That's not how I want them to remember me. Weak.

So, you Dear reader, if you have been following my long journey, please take heart that I appreciate your warm wishes, prayers and cheers. Thank you for sharing your own stories privately. Both to inspire me and remind me that I'm not alone.

And if you are in process of making the jump out of a relationship. Please don't let the legal process get you down! Make sure you document EVERYTHING! Every calls, text or visit he/she makes! Make sure you ALWAYS have someone go with you to meetings or visitation.

Don't be afraid to tell Police or someone that you are close to about the abuse. No matter if it is Verbal, Emotional, Sexual... Abuse is abuse!

Blessings and BIG HUGS!