Are you positive?!

Recovering from abuse is a super long road.

Days can go by where I feel suddenly overcome with memories and feelings. Still trying to repair my spirit and stay safe where we live. I would love to share so many things about where we are and going's on. But for the sake of safety as many of you understand.






I have been finding joy in so many little things that I never was able to appreciate fully.

Sunrise and set
Going to church
Being late from time to time (I don't make a habit of being late 5 to 10 mins I don't sweat it anymore)
Reading
Relaxing
Lounging
Showering when I want to (I don't have to at night if I don't want to)
I can EAT what I want when I want!
My children
Being happy
Being able to try new and different things without criticism
Decorating how I want to
Having a friend/partner/Help meet
Laughter everyday
Chickens! Love these critters but they aren't pets. They are for food/eggs. I don't dress them up or call them pet names. 
Gardening
There is more but I won't bore you!

I still miss my son terribly. He turned 17 a few weeks back. The girls sent him an e-card and this is the reply was mean spirited. I shared they received a message but did not share with them the content, but that it was negative.

We have not received child support on a regular basis. I heard he is still working for cash. He is well over $5,000 behind but nothing is being done by the court or my attorney. They would rather sweep it under the rug because they don't want to deal with him.

Also, I haven't took the girls back to counseling since June. I was informed by my attorney I could serve jail time or the girls can be taken away from me due to withholding "court ordered" therapeutic counseling. HUH?! I scratched my head... It frustrates me that my ex could get away with hiring someone to kill me, breaking numerous restraining orders, not doing what the court asks and not paying child support but somehow I'm the one that can face jail or lose the girls?! How does this make sense.

I took the girls to counseling for a few sessions. Alex opened up about several memories that were about leaving the bathroom door opened when she showered and how uncomfortable it made her.
Jess was closed mouth this time. She felt jaded for having to go to the mental ward back in June for suicide. She said she entertained the thought but didn't really want to do so.
 
Everyday is a new adventure, no not perfect. To name a few things, I still am unemployed and actively looking (pestering my FB friends to help me). I have a terrible bug bite that looks so nasty right now. I still have back pain and was turned down for disability. My life in the past is surreal, as though it happened to another person. Stay positive! Hard to say and do I know. Finding joy and happiness is what we as humans crave and desire and dare I say if you weren't hugged enough as a child or during your life, it seems one longs for love and closeness. Create the life you crave. (legally of course)

Surround yourself in things that remind you of being strong or empowering you. Create a Vision/Wish board (Inspiration/Prayer board) with old magazine and glue or find pictures on the web that remind you of positive thoughts. Remember you are worth happiness, joy and eventually love with another (worthy of a wonderful person such as yourself!). Pray! Meditate! Listen to positive music. Find positive people to hang with. Get rid of negative thoughts, people or things. I have made many posts on this subject and I hate to sound like a broken record but it is so important in healing! Do things that "You" like to do. Or try something you always wanted to do. Share with loved one's. Kids can do these things too! It can help them in the healing process too!

Giving you big hugs! It's my birthday today so I'm needing to give some time to my hubs and little one right now. Here are several pictures to get you started!

Oh and finally...

Deadbeat Dads/Moms

The world is filled with them.

These people some of these people were not happy about getting divorced. Or they just don't care. The great nation of the US of A, allows so many of these people to slip through the cracks to work for cash, not work at all, which leaves so many struggling parents to continue to provide and pick up the slack for the children that two people brought into this world.

There are many websites dedicated to locating, fining, and even jailing deadbeat parents.

On the other hand I do know of some Ex's that were not happy with the separation and want to get even with the other. So they will raise support rates so high that the other is struggling to pay with little over. I feel for both sides of the fence.

You can't prove a person is working for cash. Trust me, my STBX, Robert Allen (Griffith, IN) is. He works for Pine Waterproofing in Northfield, IL. Local 11 Waterproofer. He's a Foreman for the company for years and he has been getting paid under the table for as many years as he has been working. I'm talking making over $50,000 on paper and an additional $20,000 to $30,000 off the books. This isn't uncommon though, many construction jobs work the same. Especially those in the Union that want to cut back on the dues as well as getting socked by the State and Fed government.

STBX right now owes $4,769.10. No, it's not a bunch in some cases where there are over that. But for this amount I can get them braces, much needed glasses, clothes and a school things. I am glad he is getting everything to buy our Son's love (Game system, new clothes, hair style, just recently pierced ears, cell phone and spending money). I know the big guy doesn't want to be alone and he doesn't know how to just love a person. He has to "BUY" love. No one likes him otherwise.

I'm sounding harsh because I'm tired of him getting away with everything. He's gotten away with threatening me, hiring someone to kill me, threatening to kill the kids and other things. And now I should just let him off of child support?

What do you think?