Do you still have hopes and dreams?

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." - Henry David Thoreau

Yep! That's me! 

In this picture, life was taking a turn. I was topsy-turvy as my parents were going through a divorce. I felt as though my world was crazy. Unsure what I wanted to do. Somewhere along that time there was a plan to run away to California with my friends Betty, Evie, and Michelle but I chickened out! (Later, I found out they did as well. 😁)At that moment each of our lives were on a roller coaster. 

I thought when I was 18 I could live my dreams. To go backpacking in Europe, to become a Librarian, Actress/Singer, Teacher, Writer, and a Parapsychologist.  

Above all, I didn't want to be hurt again. You see my then Step-father, whom for the sake of legal issues I will call Frank had a way of being abusive to my Mom and later towards me. 

I promised never to be in that situation ever! 

Funny, looking back on that now. How my life unfolded to spiral into a cycle back to that low place where I was when I was a child. My dreams lay scattered like fallen leaves on the ground. 

Early into the relationship with my now ex-husband, Will I had to let those dreams go. He amongst many other things he thought they were stupid. They wouldn't make money to pay bills. I needed to be realistic and to grow up.

I went to bed in January 2008 with Will. And at that moment a zillion thoughts were going through my head. 

Prior to this, we had just gotten into a fight about something that had little meaning or relevance. It was just a way to assert his control over me. 

I had gotten to the point where I was becoming bolder to stand up for myself. For what felt like the hundredth time I had told him hours before that I didn't love him anymore and to let me go. 

Now in bed my thoughts race to:

Is he going to start something with me or threaten me or worse? 

Will this be the night that my kids don't have a Mom anymore? What will happen to them?

And...

How did it come to this? How did I allow this to happen? Why didn't I stop him the first time he raised his voice or his hand?

He continued to pepper me with questions. I rolled over and clutched my pillow with one hand and felt for my knife that I had hidden between the mattresses just in case. I was waiting for a punch or blow. Instead, Will jumped out of bed and began hitting his head against the wall about ten times. Finally, he punched the screen out of the window and grabbed the blankets off the bed after I hadn't responded to his actions or when he was calling my name. 

Inwardly, I knew I couldn't do pretend anymore. This wasn't a life. To live as if we were walking on eggshells?! 

I look back on that moment and I can see it, feel it and breath it as though it were just yesterday. I've had so many other memories come to the surface recently. I'm guessing due to discussing my story. I share many of these moments in time with Mr. Awesome. He is my sounding board and best friend. 

Things have been especially worrisome as I have been reminded of how much hurt this caused my grown children after one of my girls advised she was feeling suicidal a few weeks back. 

None of this was ever about me. Leaving that past relationship was more for my children than myself. I wanted them to know that there is normalcy out in the world. 

It's after 1:00 A.M. now. In four days we will celebrate one of two wedding anniversaries for Mr. Awesome and me. Two? It's a long story, email me privately if you would like to know. 😊

What relevance is any of this? 

Why dreams my Friend! You see there was a time I couldn't say my dreams out loud so I went inward. After sharing the first time I didn't want to make that mistake again. Now, I have a life that is far more wonderful than I could EVER have imagined. 

Don't get me wrong there are still things that go askew. You know, normal stuff, like noticing someone took the last sheet of toilet paper but left the empty tube on the holder AFTER you are done with your business. Or the roof is leaking, car issues, or running late for church. 

You get the picture! NORMAL stuff! The following aren't brags. They are just so dang unbelievable to me that I need to share so you too can believe there are happy endings.

Here I am remarried. 

Had my last child at 40!

Live in my dream house. 

I have no bedtime. 

I can read whenever I want. 

I can come and go as I please. 

I can eat at 2:00 A.M. if I want to. (FYI, I did have a donut a few minutes ago.)

I have become a Healer.

A published Author.

Beginning Transformational Speaker.

I am a Vision Board Coach.

Homesteader.

Daydreamer.

And most importantly... I am alive! That revelation has the greatest impact. I rolled over in bed and poked at Mr. Awesome before coming down to munch on my donut and told him how unreal this life is. How blessed I feel. 

I rambled on that my pressing issues are to worry about keeping the chickens and ducks penned in so the predators don't keep picking them off. But, this my Friend is now my "normal stuff"!

There is no more worrying about the next few minutes, hour, or days for fear of getting hurt physically or otherwise. I can dream about life and feel confident about my tomorrow. No matter if it's the unglamorous job of mucking out the coop, pulling weeds, talking about plans for an Airbnb, or how I'm coming on my next book. This life feels as though it is just starting for me!

So, wherever you are on your path, please don't give up hope. Call a shelter, local law enforcement or reach out to a national group in your area for help. If you don't know who to contact please drop me a line. I am happy to locate a group or organization for you. There is a life out there waiting. Now, if you and your partner can do counseling that is excellent! If the relationship is worth saving by all means go for it!

Don't wait to leave as long as I did- over 20 years! Especially if you have children. I'm not saying it isn't going to be hard. The moment you take that leap of faith you are faced with a danger from your partner. There may be threats, stalking/cyberstalking, dozens of phone/text messages, and more. Please don't let this scare you. I want to be honest. I don't want to paint a pretty picture of rainbows and flowers. Reality is that leaving was the hardest and the best thing I ever did. 

Remember those dreams I mentioned? Well, I may not do "those" but I have many others and I can now as Thoreau said, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler."  

Feel free to contact me to talk or if you would like a virtual hug. 😍 I'm praying for you. 

Much love to you! Stay safe!

BIG HUGS,

Mel

P.S.- If you are in the NW Indiana, Michigan or Illinois area I will have a few book signing appearances in September and October. I hope you can make it! Gypsy Soul Retreats has a few spots left, find ticket info here- Gypsy Soul Retreats and check out the Gypsy Soul Retreats Facebook page

Advice from Survivors of Abuse

I can not believe it has been 9 years as of tomorrow since I left my abuser. There are times it feels as though it was just yesterday. It may seem to others that I am just living in the past by sharing some sad events in our life. Now I can look at these memories without tears, nightmares and anxiety.

I don't feel that I'm in bondage over my past. It is what it is. I've made peace. I'm not the same person I was when I first started on this journey. 

Sharing has not only saved me from a dark place and time, but showing my vulnerability has helped others know they aren't alone. That wasn't my initial thought when doing this. Perhaps it was a bit of revenge.

I've mentioned this before, there are times when I just thought to stop blogging, sharing, and to let it go of the past.

After leaving I didn't always do the right thing. I put myself in dangerous situations several times. I didn't always say the right thing. Thoughts that my life was so messed up how the heck can I support or share with others? And I'm still trying to heal myself, how can I give advice?

Then, 'SNAP!' like a rubber band, I am brought back to earth by someone who is close to me. They know my story and find themselves in a situation of love where someone they know is a victim. 

I can feel the Lord is looking down wagging his finger, and saying, "See here,Woman! This is part of my plan, quit your belly aching and reach out to others."

After pouting a bit thinking a bit about this I push these things aside and help out.

I share a bit about me. I don't go into deep details, but let the other person know they aren't alone. I include this blog as well so they can come and see I'm not some creepy person. I do provide my phone number if they wish to chat instead. 

I was there once. 

I get it. 

It can be frustrating now that I'm on the other side to try to help and I feel helpless. 9 years later gives me a HUGE prospective that I didn't have. 

Surrendering and allowing some vulnerability to show does not mean you are weak. Doing so can be scary. You may have built a wall around your heart and have a hard time with trust.  Lowering that wall doesn't mean you can't do anything alone. This gives you a chance to ask for help and for others to serve you by your sharing. 

I've asked several Survivors what advice would they share with a victim trapped in an abusive situation.

These answers are courageous, raw, loving and speak the truth. I hope they both speak to you and help you on your journey.

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Dana advises; "I really like to leave the abuse behind me. I don't want to keep it in the forefront of my life, because I can't truly be free, if I keep dragging around that kind of baggage. I guess that's what my advice would be... let it go. Look out the windshield, not the rear view mirror."

Vanessa shared that she was a young woman of 17. Her abuser broke her ribs, bit her and more. He was sentenced to 7 years in prison.

She states,"I know how amazing it feels to know that we survived it and can encourage and help others to walk away when they don’t see the need to."

This recently hit home as a woman she knows was recently killed due to domestic violence.
"For those still trapped in abuse it’s a hard place to be every different phase of the abuse is different also. If I had gotten out early enough I could’ve walked away and stayed away. Physical abuse was just with mental abuse and then it turned into him not letting me leave his side even to go to the bathroom and having three locks on the door."

Vanessa's advice; "For someone that is in abuse in the beginning stages I always encourage to listen to their friends and when their friends say he’s a control freak or mention how they have changed since meeting him. For those in the middle I encourage to ask for your friends to find a domestic violence shelter so that you that can get counseling and not feel like you’re alone. Abusers main mental abuse is making you feel unwanted and that you’re nothing without them. In the last phase when it is the worst and you’re mentally and physically not able to leave I would advise doing your best to get out because it only gets worse. Even if the threat is like my friend and you end up dying if you don’t get out you’re going to die anyways."

She further adds, "At the end of the day I know that every time I the see signs that someone is in an abusive relationship, I am the first to make sure I start a conversation with them. Another survivor turned into my best friend after I had strong feelings that she was in an abusive relationship. I told her my story and read some of the police report so that she knew that I could relate. She ended that relationship and we have been best friends ever since."

I mentioned to her that it seems like abusers read out of the same playbook, she replied; "I agree they’re already been the same playbook the same exact Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3. It never gets better it always gets worse. It always starts with finding a woman that is having a hard time in their life and giving them comfort. You might also notice that the woman they choose are always sad from a recently ended a relationship with somebody else for someone that has just gone through something extremely emotional and are just not thinking straight when their abuser walks up to them and tries to be the Prince Charming."

Vanessa ends with a reminder, "You are not alone. These men are evil. No matter how many times they say they’re sorry, they will continually do it until you run away. I felt like I was alone without him because that is what he put in my head but all the women out there we are in this together around every corner is someone that’s been abused let others help you live the life that God wanted for you."

"Hello, I'm Brianna and I left my abuser on September 10th 2014. I didn't choose to leave before that because he kept on telling me that I couldn't survive without him. He was the one that made the money. Well it was all lies! Abusers will feed your head with a bunch of lies to tear you down but know that you are strong and you are stronger than words."

She adds; "Words may hurt, but your strength can overcome any words that he could say. Sure, it's hard at first but once you start seeing how much you can do on your own and that every step you make is to prove to him that you can do it and you can be happy again!"

Toni suggests the following:

*If you can and have means to get out of the situation leave the abuser.
*Never stay with the abuser just because you have kids together!
*If the abuser has just started, your heart and mind will tell you enough is enough.
*Get into some sort of counseling even it it's with your Pastor.
*Create and use your support system of family and friends.
*Know you aren't alone. Find a support group with those who have been in your situation.
*Have a plan to execute and leave!
*This is not your fault, don't be blame yourself!
*Never give up faith and hope even on the darkest days.
*When you leave it'll be hard but be strong. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward.  Don't go back!
*Look up resources in your area you can utilize for help, "Crisis Center, etc..."

Maggie says, "I think that is important is to practice self love. When you love yourself I think you quickly recognise when someone isn't treating you with love and respect. When you love yourself it's easier to walk away from those who don't treat you right."

Kristy encourages, "It’s easy to stop hearing your own inner voice in the echoes of the fears, the lies, and the what-ifs. Everybody has the ability to listen to their intuition, though, and it is hardly ever wrong. When you are in an abusive relationship it is easy to mute your intuition, but your intuition is a powerful ally as to the awakenings of the truths and the next steps. If it were easy, nobody would be in negative situations. Just as you have to tend to a flower, you have to tend to your own soul – nobody else will do it.  You make the decision to grow or stop growing. I hope you unsilenced your intuition and choose to start blooming. ~Kristy Robinett – www.kristyrobinett.com

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I hope you found words of support, comfort, and reminder that you are not alone.

Stay safe! 

If you need immediate assistance please visit The Hotline or call your local authorities.

Much love and BIG HUGS,

Mel

P.S. - 
Abuse has no prejudice. It affects all races, ages and genders.

Men are also victims of abuse. It is under reported by males trapped in this situation for fear of ridicule and shame. 

What to expect from a shelter

If you have followed my story from the beginning, you may remember my experience as a guest in a shelter. If not, no worries you can find my experience in older blog entries.

The whole ordeal of leaving an abuser is terrifying, traumatic and down right emotional! You decide to make the jump to leave your abuser and may be unsure where are you going to go?

A hazy view of shelters, as being seedy. A place where only low income women go. Maybe you are intimatdated. Perhaps you think only people with kids are allowed there or you feel just uncertain if it's okay for you. You may have no idea where to find one in your area. All of these thoughts and feelings are normal and understandable!

Abuse effects all ages, races, economic situations, sexes, and religious beliefs. Those men and women that go through the doors of shelters are just as nervous and unsure as you are. Many come with baggage that is not seen from the outside. They come with scars both inside and out. Many have trust issues, lack of confidence, little to no finances, support , no idea what tomorrow is going to bring and some are just bone weary from whatever situation they escaped from. One woman during my stay had been a Guest over 20 times! She hoped she could be strong enough not to go back again.

You will need to call a shelter near you. Most shelters addresses are not listed in the phone book, as not to bring unwanted attention and for safety of it's Guests.

You head to your local government page for your state or city for contact information. Google search, Aspire App that was recently created specifically for victims of abuse, and https://www.domesticshelters.org to name a few.

What happens next is when you are safe, call, a person will take an assessment of your situation, ask if you need or can leave ASAP. If you need a lift most shelters do provide a pick up service if it is safe. If the police have been called advocates can take you under the watchful eye of an Officer. Many shelters host 15 to 40 beds and on average you can stay 30 to 40 days and if you have wee ones of course they can stay as well. An advocate will also let you know whether they have room, which can be equally scary, but in most cases they should be able to coordinate a escape day for you or let you know when they will have a vacancy.

Please don't let that stop you from leaving!

What can you expect once you have become a Guest? This list is just a top of my head list and some shelters may have more programs or less, feel free to ask!

*A caring person to listen or just give you a hug if need be

*Shelter-there maybe a slim chance you have to share a room

*You will be asked birthday, address, medical info, nearest relative, description of your abuser, if you have a Order of Protection, attorney information, a short bit of the abuse. You will also be required to fill out a Safety Plan! I have a copy on this blog of the form given to me during our stay as an example. You will be asked about visitation arrangements if you have children together.

*Legal help

*Crisis intervention

*Counseling

*Support groups

*Case Management

*Children's services

*Transportation

*Help locating housing

*Job searches

*Training for a new career

*Medical help in cases of injury or rape-They can arrange to get you to a hospital

*Some have animal shelters and many do allow for service animals. Let your advocate know!

*Emergency phone- You will have access to dial 911 in case of emergency, it's not a phone for social media or for cruising on the web. It is for emergencies.
You will be responsible for you children

There will be shared Kitchen (Let them know if you need special dietary needs)and common areas

They will have toiletries, sheets/blankets, towels and clothing- During our first visit as a Guest we only had the clothes on our back! They provided us with new underwear, socks, toothbrushes, soaps and shampoos. I just cried at how wonderful the community was to donate total strangers!

You will have a place to do laundry

Most shelters do ask for Guests to contribute by sharing responsibilities of chores
You will be asked not to share too much personal information with other guests for your safety and that of others. Seems extreme but I was so into my own bubble of sadness I really wasn't up to making new friends.

No visitors! Advocates are very concerned over your well being and do not wish to put you or anyone else in harms way.

There maybe a curfew and if you are not back at that curfew they will call Police.

If you need to get anything important from home, as an example, prescriptions, birth certificates, medical cards and so on. . . An Officer can escort your to your home to pick up these items. It's not a time to bring everything with you. Just small important things.

This is just a brief bit of information. Programs and assistance may vary for how in depth or detailed the shelter can help you. It's not a handout. It's not something to take advantage. It's for you to get back on your feet, to help you realize you are AMAZING and DESERVE not to be hurt anymore!

When you walk through those doors you find a place that is homey, safe and bright. Advocates at these facilities are caring, genuine and have seen every sort of scenario! They have been through intense training in order to equip them with knowledge to help you through your situation.

This is just a small peek into a shelter.  I encourage you to check into these services. It is humbling to ask for help, but I have to tell you, I found encouragement, others like me and hope for a new beginning.

I'm proud of you Dear Blog reader! No matter where you are on your journey please know you are not alone. And if you know someone that is in an abusive situation share this blog with them. My own story is found in the Labels and also share Safety/Safety plan, and Check list for leaving your abuser, to encourage and inspire hope of a normal life. There is normalcy after abuse. It takes time to get there and lots of tears but it's worth it.

BIG HUGS and stay safe!
Mel

Be still. . .

From the time I was little, I wanted peace, love and comfort. Someone that would love me. I prayed to the Lord and questioned His love for me, feeling lost, afraid and hopeless at times. As the years passed and we had escaped my stepfather, life seemed to slip into a surreal normalcy. I was worried that if I blinked it would go away. 

Then I met my abuser. He was a bit different. Things spun out of control and what was normal went Topsy turvy. I felt as though I was suffocating, I felt stuck, and lonely. I feared leaving. I feared moving on. I feared the unknown of how I was going to make it and later how I would make it with 3 kids? 

It hasn't been easy or a cake walk. As I have mentioned on numerous times, I still have concerns for our safety. The years of feeling like I was walking on a tightrope have all but vanished. 

I still have memories, I still have triggers, I still have nightmares and I still sleep with the night light on. I also still have the unwelcome present of HSV2. That little gift serves as a reminder of a rather dark and bleak time that I would rather forget. But forgetting that time would be hasty. That time brought 3 beautiful kids into my life. I still pray that someday I will have a safe and healthy relationship with my eldest Son that is now 19 years old and I have not seen him since the latter part of 2010, after a scary incident involving a "Supervised visit" with our abuser in which the police were called due to an altercation between my ex and his Mom and Dad. He also threatened to slit my daughters throats if I was awarded custody of my girls. Likely, his threats were not taken lightly by the court and I was given custody of our girls and future visits were at Children's Treehouse. Of course that ended badly, but that is an older blog post. 

The old adage, "What doesn't kill you makes your stronger" Irked me and still kind of does. I don't feel any stronger than before. Conflict and argument's still send me into a panic and I can feel myself turn into a "Shrinking Violet", quite literally. 

I am annoyed that though it has been well over 6 years, my ex still hunts for us. Sound weird? Is it in my mind? No, he asks for us. He was sending me messages since we left in 2009 about his love for me, how we will be together someday, that "he forgives me" for everything and that he is a changed man. All of this nonsense is not reality. The reality of the situation is that he needs help. I've looked into prosecuting him for molesting our daughter but that ended up with a brick wall, legally where we reside too much time has elapsed and there is not a darn thing we can do.

I would be a fibber if I didn't say I wanted to get revenge. I still feel strongly about the situation of course for what that monster did. I was amazed at my Daughters bravery once she was free of the "secret" she had been keeping for years. And how she is choosing to forgive him and asked the Lord to help her do so. 

We still have our quirks and we try to help one another get through these. It's not easy. There are times of heated discussions, tears and regret as all of us in this household attempt to navigate through old wounds, of course the dreaded teenage hormones and my premenopause. God love Terry! His patience sometimes gets the better of him. I know we needed a strong person to help us through. God blessed us with that.

I don't know where you are in your journey but do me a favor. Be still for a moment. Wherever you are, stop what you are doing and just be still. What do you hear? Kids bickering? Traffic in your area? TV or radio on? No matter, take moments out of your day to just be still. Leave the camera off or the video option off and just soak in what is around you.                                                                      

After a crazy day at home or work, I have moments of clarity and splendor of how my life is today. I prayed for the life I have many, many years ago. It can be hard when your caught up in the moment to remember the simple blessings that are around you day to day. Such as, birds chirping, lightly tinkling wind chimes,the wind rustling through the trees, frogs and crickets chattering with one another. The sounds of laughter that seem infectious in our home. These sounds seem simple enough right?

There were times where I shut out the world, feeling lost in spirit and physically, while I closed my eyes and mind to some rough situations. I wanted to be someone else, I slowly stopped feeling, oh don't get me wrong, I always felt a wave of emotion when it came to my kids. Call me Momma Bear or fierce when it is needed! I did this to shut off the nasty words or sights I was seeing. I closed off to stop being hurt and to stop hurting.

Recent trip to Michigan City, IN- Washington Park zoo!

Where am I? I was taking the picture! I am getting a wee bit on the fluffy side since all I do is sit at work so I haven't been putting my mug in pictures too much. 

Once you are out of the abusive situation for a number of years there is clarity and to some degree I have understanding about how and why I did what I did and for how long I put up with what I did. I want you to know, Dear Blog reader that you will get through the rough parts, it will take time and there will be times when it seems like time stands still, with no end in sight of painful memories or legally. When this happens take a moment, be still, inhale all the good stuff and exhale all the bad thoughts, memories and pain. Do this for a few moments daily and let me know how it helps!

I know God's not done with me yet. I know He has never left my side and has sprinkled some amazing people and experiences in my life that I never imagined! Our bus project is going well. Terry found someone that will help show him how to weld the floor of the bus so he can then put in a floor and work on the build out of our "future" home. I'm counting the days until we launch and we all can not wait for whatever the good Lord has planned for us.

We hope to take part in helping any farmers/farm communities that need a hand and also to learn as well! Terry is a handyman/IT professional with a marvelous green thumb. We have both jumped into our mini farm with both feet after years of wondering and reading out of books we have tackled Beekeeping, raising Chicken/Ducks/Guinea Fowl/Rabbits, aquaponics (briefly more Terry's thing), forging in the yard for edibles, learning survival techniques, making our own soaps, salves, lotions and miscellaneous concoctions (some good and some bad-eg. my Dandelion wine didn't turn out so good). I am continuing to learn more about energy healing, Reflexology, Homeopathic medicines, Herbal medicine, Birth Doula and using essential oils. We hope to utilize our skills and help where needed, potentially for disaster relief or just healing someone that needs to share and talk.

I hope to meet some of the wonderful Survivors and Mom's of victims that I have come to exchange messages with over the past several years and I hope to inspire someone trapped in a abusive situation that they can find freedom, safety and a reason to live.

I'll quite ranting for a bit. If you need to talk feel free to reach me on FB-Melinda Kunst. I have several profiles- One is for my Reflexology page- Melinda Kunst (Healing Hearts), and just Melinda Kunst or at my email that I check regularly at blessmeplz@gmail.com

Stay safe and strong!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

 

Beating your children...

First thing first, October is Domestic Abuse Awareness month! No one is immune to the effects of this devastating time.

Abuse does not discriminate. It can strike Men, Women, Old, Young, Black, White, Catholic, Baptist, Wealthy... you get the picture.

Whatever the excuse is that the victims use to rationalize or minimize the abuse, no one deserves it! There is nothing "You did" to "Make" the person do it to you! Despite, the constant reminders you may get from your abuser. It's not you! Triggers to cause your abuser to flip his/her lid can be substance related, money, mental/emotional or maybe there is no reason.


Of course these are excuses used to harm you! So, he/she only does this to you, right?

What about your child(ren) or pet? Do you believe they are immune? Guess what! In many cases your abuser doesn't care. They may abuse your child privately or just be bold enough to do it in front of you. Perhaps making you participate! Headlines splashed across the world tells of horrific and tragic abuse of all sorts happening to children and animals by the hundreds.

In many cases both parents (Boy/Girl friend or Step parent) are charged with heinous crimes against the smallest victims that can't defend themselves. I've read many stories that point the finger at the other person that was abusive and they "Made them" act against the child or pet. Or there is some fear that they would be harmed so they let it happen.

I sit in awe, tears and a deep sadness that anyone would want to harm these little ones. That persons given a gift of life can take it savagely slowly over years or in a blink of an eye. For what?! The child won't stop crying? The bed is wet? The child is interrupting they're game or fun?

Countless couple's are wishing for a child of their own. And yet, we have dumpster babies and abused children that would flourish in a loving household.

There was a time when my Dad worked in a E. R. and he would tell me of stories about children brought in with cigarette burns, 2nd or 3rd degree burns on various parts of the body due to his/her parent and or molested. He was deeply effected by these children. And he didn't understand how someone could do something so heinous to a child.

I was abused as a young child by my Stepfather, Mark. He would beat on my Mom but as soon as she fought back he stopped. But he needed to redirect his anger somewhere else. So, while Mom was at work he turned to me... I didn't understand how in a split second we could be having a fun time and the next he was beating the crap out of me for no reason or for spilling milk.

Fast forward, I'm in an abusive situation with my ex-husband. I knew something was wrong each time I came in the house after I had been gone for awhile. The kids and my ex looked staged, stiff and tense. He had no qualms about going after the kids while I was home, which many times I would jump in or fight him to stop doing so.

The children would say there was no problems.
Dad was fine.
He was cool.

I knew in my heart it wasn't right. I know I can't take back that time. I know I am responsible in some part for staying. For believing my ex when he said I wouldn't be able to live without him. That I was worthless. That I would end up as a whore because no one would want me.  And no one would take care of me the way he did. (How warped is that?!) I'm slowly finding out how mean he was to the kids while I was out of the house or even in another room! I feel horrible about this!

I could tell you I slipped back into another bad abusive relationship. I could tell you I took up partying, drinking and a string of boyfriends. But I didn't. I was lucky! There are many women that get caught up in never changing they're circumstances. They are forever on a Merry-go-round of useless or abusive men that end up beating their kids.

I've already told my husband, Terry, that if he lays a hand on the kids we are over. Trust me, my 14 year old is a lot like her Dad, Rob and she can really push Terry's buttons!

Learning my new husband is not my ex is another experience. I have learn not to compare the two of them. They aren't anything alike! We are not without issues but there is no fear of him coming home. He doesn't stalk me. He doesn't call me dozens of time in the day. He doesn't accuse me of fooling around. He doesn't time me when I'm on errands. The list goes on and on...

If you know someone in an abusive situation or that might be, please support them, listen to them and get them help if they are ready.

If you can't leave for you please do it for your children! 

Let your child know about Teen stalking and abuse.

Educate!
Break the Silence!
Listen to your gut about a situation or person.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Gaslighters handbook

Label your abuser with whatever term fits- Gaslighter, NARC, Psycho, mentally challenged or some random harsher language word. Despite what runs through my head I dare not lower myself to the words he has called me. I decided a long time ago to be a bigger person!

It's hard to leave your abuser. It's even harder to stay in the relationship!

Once you leave or kick him/her to the curb the abuse doesn't magically go away. Your abuser is still abusive. But you do not have to take it! If you still have physical contact in some form due to child arrangements or other random contact, you can leave or ask him/her to leave. If it is phone contact or email you can hang up or ignore the person.

I got to tell you the first time I hung up on my ex, it was empowering! I didn't do it to antagonize him, I did it to save myself further hurt feelings. And I did it because I COULD! My heart raced afterwards and I felt the adrenaline running throughout my whole body. I don't think I actually breathed for what seemed like several minutes after. The answer is yes he called back numerous times but I ignored his calls. That made me giggle! I felt elated! Not in a mean way, but as a feeling that I don't need to take any abuse of any sort from him EVER!

I have chatted with many Victims and Survivors of abuse and the story seems to be the same. The only difference in some stories is whether or not substance abuse in some way was used. Some abusers only hurt you if they are drinking or using drugs. But then again that's the story you tell yourself. I have found that many of the abusers are still in some way Gaslighting and the Victim makes excuses to explain that he/she is having a bad day or just grumpy or mouthy. They only abuse when they use. So the victim waits for the next binge or drink...

Sounds scary to me! I'm not sure which way is more worrisome to me! I worried daily about the "other shoe dropping". I can't imagine the other. No matter, if you find yourself chatting with another person that has been abused it seems as though they share very similar stories that it's spooky! I often make light that my ex must have a long lost sister or brother because they sound so much alike.

They don't actually have a Gaslighter handbook. But it does seem like if there was they would have read from the same book! Remember these things are not in your head. If you once doubt your experiences then you are SANE! You have to know you are not alone! You have to learn that you can survive and be free. You have to know that it's ok to call the police, leave a papertrail! If you have kids teach your children to call police if need be. My daughter called police during a supervised visitation last summer at my ex in-laws after there was a heated exchange between her grandparents, her and my ex.

The years that I was with my ex kind of meld together to the point where I don't recall many things. But, with the PTSD I have times where I am inundated with memories that trouble me deeply. For the last 12 years of my marriage I had pleaded with my ex to "Let me go". I begged him. I told him if I was so worthless why keep me? Why stay married? Then he would just play mind games with me. Afterwards he would confess to love me. Or just be oblivious to the incident as though waking from a dream and not knowing why I was upset or injured (he would almost always say he didn't remember hurting me or the kids and that we made it up).  I have mentioned before how surreal my life seems now compared to years ago. I feel blessed that we survived. We aren't out of the storm due to court ordered supervised Therapeutic counseling, which will make us vulnerable to physical contact with my ex and my son.  I feel safe knowing he does not know where we reside. Though it bugs me that I look over my shoulder and worry about him following me when he sees us. Be aware of your surroundings Dear Blog reader! Let someone know where you are at all times. Tedious but it could save your life...

If you are afraid to leave, that's normal! Confide in a friend or family member. Tell someone you trust. Please check out previous posts on "Leaving your abuser" or "Safety plan". Above all if you feel like you or your children are endanger don't stay! If you can not leave for you please think about your children/pets. Abuse is a cycle that needs to be broken.

Stay safe!

BIG HUGS!
Mel

Find me on Facebook!

After some hemming and hawing I decided to start a FB page for Survivors and Victims of any type of abuse. To share experiences or to leave a face with their story so we can put a face on Abuse!

Hopefully others can inspire and give hope to those that just can't leave or kick they're abuser out the door! I do not want this to bash our abusers. That's not it's purpose. Why stoop to that level or your abuser?

It's easy to just want to forget your past to move on with your future. But, trust me, it's not easy! Even with my best intentions to put my head in the sand to ease the memories, the past comes up behind me like a dark monster looming in the dark.

Embrace you! Embrace your past! It is what made you! Let those experiences make you stronger!

Help me put a face on Abuse! Strength in numbers!

Find me here- hopewhentherewasnone or Melinda Kunst on FB!

BIG HUGS and Blessings!

Mel

Victim and Survivor Personal Bill of Rights!

No one deserves to be abused! Whether it is through Bullying at school, work or DV at home. You have a right to happiness and joy! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can't meet.
I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
I have the right to follow my own standards.
I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
I have the right to determine my own priorities.
I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
I have the right to expect honesty from others.
I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
I have the right to be uniquely myself.
I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm scared."
I have the right to say "I don't know."
I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.

I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
I have the right to be in a non abusive environment.
I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
I have the right to change and grow.
I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
I have the right to be happy.

My readers...

It is amazing to me at the traffic I get through my little old blog.

I created this as an extension for my healing. To muddle through old memories as well as struggles after I left my abuser. The up's, down's and roller coaster ride for nearly 3 years now has been fought with times of throwing in the towel. Giving up hope, my pride and self worth.

Learning to become the "Old me" again has been a wonderful thing. Finding my hobbies again. Doing things I want to do and stopped doing has made me filled with joy and happiness. Dwelling on my past or looking back to things that I can not change brings me down at one point I claimed the misery. Wearing it as a weight around my neck. Feeling as though the world looked at me as a stupid woman for staying with the bastard as long as I did. Or being a bad Mom for allowing things to happen to my children, allowing him to get away with his bad behavior. Not leaving him sooner then I should have. Allowing him to plant seeds in my mind that I couldn't live without him.

I've grown in these past 3 years more then I have since being a teenager. I have learned that God is still walking with me. To start to love me, to become a better Mom, friend, and partner. I have learned that "I am" NOT accountable for his behavior. "I" did not make him do anything to me or the kids. "I" did not cause him to strike me. He was always in control and accountable for everything he did to us or to others.

I am no longer:
A punching bag
stupid
A bitch
A cunt (I hate that word!)
A whore
Lazy
A pig
fat
ignorant
A sausage (still pondering that one)
An idiot
A bad wife
A terrible person
A bad mother
Making excuses for his behavior or actions
Most importantly!
I am no longer silent

God bless and keep all of you for the support, encouragement and kind words throughout the start of this blog. Knowing I have been able to do the same for many is both a joy and a challenge to me.
It is one thing to tell a person to leave an Abuser but another to know that "She/He" has to make that decision on their own. And no matter how bad the situation or even if does not seem that bad to a person, I am looking in on a snippet of what that person has shared with me, leaving me to pray to God for a end to the madness in that person's life. Or for something to happen to jar the person awake enough to realize for themselves that enough is enough and they need to leave.

No excuses and no looking back. You will know when you hit bottom or when the time to jump is.
Please want more for yourself and your children (or pets). Please ask God to help you through your time, to protect you and your loved one. To make you strong. To forgive your Abuser when you are ready. (Even if they have not changed)

God and peace be with you! Stay safe!

Yours truly,
Mel

Why did you make him mad?!

What did you do to make him lose control?
What did you do to make him mad?
What did you say?
You know that makes him mad why did you do that?

See the trend?

You never mad him mad! You are not to blame! You did nothing to poke the bear. You have to believe this! Make this your belief or mantra, say it over and over in your mind if you are going through a tough time.

Honestly, personally I didn't want to tick him off when things became nasty. I went above and beyond to try to get things to go as smoothly as possible. Pleasing my Gaslighter was number one on my list in order to make home life tolerable. Even if it meant putting my children on hold, in his mind HE came first. As long as the kids weren't bleeding they were fine. His needs became above and beyond my time with God. "That's what Sunday is for!" he would complain, of course when Sunday came around he made the excuse that God would understand I was to spend time with him. Oh and then it was my fault for making us late to church later in the day.

Oh, sure I enjoyed getting yelled at. Sure, I just enjoyed things getting thrown at me. Sure, I enjoyed being told I was just useless for anything. My favorites, sarcasm, were the "Why do you like making me lose control?" talks. I must like being hit or abused. I must enjoy the punishment. I must get off by getting hit. I must get a thrill from being kicked or punched. SURE!


Why do you make me mad? Can't we just have a nice (Fill in the blank) once?!


Yes, right, I couldn't get enough of the psycho in my face, choking me or slapping me. I enjoyed the Indian rubs until I cried because he rubbed my skin raw while he just laughed and told me I deserve this because I made him mad. 

HE CHOOSE to do these things to me!

HE CHOOSE before he made it in the door that he was going to make the night or day miserable.

HE CHOOSE his behavior not me! 

And HE had the choice to be responsible for his behavior! He had such a thrill from berating me and the kids. He had a sense of power and control from making us cower and hide from him. Of course he would turn it around and say I turned the kids against him. I must have said something to do that! Or the whole world/family/friends are against him! What must have told them something!

What did I blog about or say to them on the phone? I must have said some kind of code words to make them question his behavior or they acted suspcious when he was around, what did I do?Leaving this man was the best thing I ever did! I should have documented the abuse! I wish I did! I know now I did nothing to provoke him or to "Make him mad". I know now that there was very little I could have done to prevent any of the events besides getting out sooner or telling police, family or friends sooner.

You didn't poke the bear! We are victims and survivors deserving real love! Real love is not abuse of any sort. Real love is not rape, beat, being mentally or emotionally abused. Real love doesn't hurt... Abusers do not know what love is! They know they crave it. They know they say the words but they don't mean it. They don't want to be alone and will say or do anything to keep you where you are! 

Time and time again shows abusers do not change! Change only happens when you take a leap of faith, believe and DON'T LOOK BACK!

Journey of Grace: This should be a happy time. Our meeting on Tuesd...

A long time friend of mine created a blog recently and I wanted to share her journey with you! I admire her strength and courage to keep her relationship together. I pray for the answer she is seeking to help her find the path and happiness! Please keep her and her family in your thoughts as she struggles to figure out should she stay or should she go...

Journey of Grace: This should be a happy time. Our meeting on Tuesd...: This should be a happy time. Our meeting on Tuesday did not end up in separation. My husband has made the appropriate changes and is getti...

The many faces of abuse

Painting a picture of abuse is as colorful as the a box of crayons. Sadly enough every minute there is a person that is a victim of abuse in some form or way.

Many people are in the dark as to who Domestic/Family/Emotional/Verbal/Sexual  violence or even bullying victims look like.




We are normal, not some Hollyweird picture of someone perhaps on drugs, homeless or drunk. Though some of us end up in those circumstance due to the stress or no where to go.

We are babies, children, Mom's, Grandma's, Aunt's, Uncle's (Don't forget boys and men suffering too!), Grandpa's, or cousin. What about pets? There are sad stories about animals being mistreated as well in the news!

In the women's shelter the wide variety of economic and ethinic backgrounds are across the spectrum of humanity. There were victims and survivors that were abused by daughters, sons, much older children, husband's, boyfriends, and girlfriends.

You may never really know who is a victim or survivor unless they break the silence and come forth to also break the cycle.

The Nice Girl Syndrome- Intro

The copyright from this book is 2008, so the statistics are not accurate, yet they are astounding.

• The American Medical Association estimates that over 4 million women are victims of severe assaults by boyfriends and husbands each year.
• Around the world, at least 1 in every 3 women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime.
• Nearly 1/3 of American women (31%) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives.
• Approximately 1 in 5 female high shcool students report being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner.
• Three in 4 women (76%) who reported that they have been raped and/or physically assaulted since age 18 said that a current or former husband, cohabitating partner or date commited the assault.
• Nearly 1/5 (18%) reported experiencing a completed or attempted rape at some time in their lives.
• Annually in the U.S., 503,485 women are stalked by an initimate partner. 78% of stalking victims are women.

Of course the major question that comes to everyone's mind is: "Why is she putting up with it?" "Why does she stay?"

Beverly mentions that she does not blame the nice girl but she does say there must be a reason why she stays or put's up with the behavior.
Personally, I was worried about the threats he made towards our children, my family and myself. He made many sadistic and horrible threats of violence. Each victim has her/his reason for why.

Fear and leaving

"You are a piece worthless piece of *hit!"
"Get out of my face! You make me sick!"
"You won't make it without me!"

These words and more can make a person, man/woman/child heartsick.

Words can paralyze you and devaste you.

Fear can grip at your heart causing you to rethink any plans or thoughts of making an escape.

You second guess yourself.

You may believe after time everything he/she says is true. You think to yourself that you are worthless, you aren't with a damn, you are (fat, lazy, stupid or fill in the blank), you won't be able to survive without this person.

WRONG!

It is hard to make that step and to never to return.

It is hard to file that Order of Protection or to take steps to call the police.

It is hard to start again!

BUT,

You CAN do it!
You CAN survive alone!
You CAN make a new life
You CAN make a better life
And you CAN be FREE!

Fear keeps many victims tied to they're abuser. Fear is the biggest reasons I stayed with my abuser. And to this day there is a bit of fear left over, residual fear that still knocks the wind out of me from time to time.

I had a nightmare the other day and I woke up upset. It is bad enough to still dream about the abuse and my abuser but it is worse because in my dream I woke up in my dream still with my abuser! I had to wake myself up again and breathed a sigh of relief it was just a dream!

Of course I couldn't fall back to sleep because all I saw was my abuser again when I closed my eyes. In my dream I didn't see his face (I know it well) I just woke up in my dream with his back turned to me and I know what his back looks like and our old bedroom.

Fear had a hold of my heart again, briefly and quickly. The rest of the day was a blur but that dream haunted me for the the remaining days ahead.

Financially many are held hostage by their abusers. Mental games are often used as often as name calling and put down's. With the fear of being homeless or penniless on a mind of a victim this can keep a person tied to they're  partner for years! I am still married to my abuser, though I pray for a day when we are can be set for a Finalization court date, I have the knowledge that I am free of never having to cater to his whims and wishes any more.

I don't have to be played with emotionally or have to listen to his ranting or raving. And I don't have the fear of when he gets home what is going to happen with the rest of my day/evening.

Though I still have fear about what my children will go through unsupervised with this man. I have armed them with the knowledge that they don't have to take his crap. They can still respect the man but they do not have to like his behavior now put up with it.

Thankfully we have had supervised visits for over 2 years and this has given them time to heal and become stronger.

Fear

Small word that causes BIG emotions and can do so much to a person.

Learning to control your own fears and moving on is a process that is slow and won't happen overnight. Learning to love oneself and to be able to talk to others about fear is a tool that many victims need to have on the road to recovering from abuse.

Fear is for a thrill ride
Fear is for a scary movie
Fear is for icky shots or medical procedures
Fear is not allowable in a relationship
Fear is not part of love
Fear is not allowed to grip your heart to terriorize you
Fear is should not keep you from leaving your abuser