I created this as an extension for my healing. To muddle through old memories as well as struggles after I left my abuser. The up's, down's and roller coaster ride for nearly 3 years now has been fought with times of throwing in the towel. Giving up hope, my pride and self worth.
Learning to become the "Old me" again has been a wonderful thing. Finding my hobbies again. Doing things I want to do and stopped doing has made me filled with joy and happiness. Dwelling on my past or looking back to things that I can not change brings me down at one point I claimed the misery. Wearing it as a weight around my neck. Feeling as though the world looked at me as a stupid woman for staying with the bastard as long as I did. Or being a bad Mom for allowing things to happen to my children, allowing him to get away with his bad behavior. Not leaving him sooner then I should have. Allowing him to plant seeds in my mind that I couldn't live without him.
I've grown in these past 3 years more then I have since being a teenager. I have learned that God is still walking with me. To start to love me, to become a better Mom, friend, and partner. I have learned that "I am" NOT accountable for his behavior. "I" did not make him do anything to me or the kids. "I" did not cause him to strike me. He was always in control and accountable for everything he did to us or to others.
I am no longer:
A punching bag
stupid
A bitch
A cunt (I hate that word!)
A whore
Lazy
A pig
fat
ignorant
A sausage (still pondering that one)
An idiot
A bad wife
A terrible person
A bad mother
Making excuses for his behavior or actions
Most importantly!
I am no longer silent
God bless and keep all of you for the support, encouragement and kind words throughout the start of this blog. Knowing I have been able to do the same for many is both a joy and a challenge to me.
It is one thing to tell a person to leave an Abuser but another to know that "She/He" has to make that decision on their own. And no matter how bad the situation or even if does not seem that bad to a person, I am looking in on a snippet of what that person has shared with me, leaving me to pray to God for a end to the madness in that person's life. Or for something to happen to jar the person awake enough to realize for themselves that enough is enough and they need to leave.
No excuses and no looking back. You will know when you hit bottom or when the time to jump is.
Please want more for yourself and your children (or pets). Please ask God to help you through your time, to protect you and your loved one. To make you strong. To forgive your Abuser when you are ready. (Even if they have not changed)
Yours truly,
Mel
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